Men Can Be Abused Too: Introducing Toxic Relationship Recovery for Guys
You make up more than a quarter of my readers and YouTube subscribers, and I appreciate you. I want you to know that I am not "anti-man" or even a feminist (except in its true definition: someone who believes women and men are equal) - I have two sons and many other men in my life who I care about.
That's why, in addition to making my videos mostly not just for women, I've started a special series on narcissistic abuse recovery that's just for you. You matter, and I want you to know it. Here's the first installment - take a moment and let me know what you think! Would you like to see more? Share your thoughts below, or email me at email@example.com.
How to Be a Super Hot Guy: This is How You Can Attract HEALTHY Women (After a Toxic Relationship)
I hope you don't hate yourself for not being a bad boy. Nice guys have one major advantage over bad boys – nice guys pay attention and care about a woman’s needs.
This is actually an advantage for a couple of reasons. First, you have a natural ability to be tuned in and caring – that’s valuable, and women love it! Second, because you have a bit of awareness, you’re also more able to discern if any given woman is going to be a good fit for you.
Because of your attentive nature and the fact that you do pay attention, you’re in a better position to determine whether a girl is right for you, and whether she’s a good girl or a bad girl.
Here’s something absolutely essential to keep in mind: Your hormones may try to misguide you! Sometimes, even if you’re a really good guy, your hormones will bog down your ability to think and even care if she’s a nice girl or not.
This is when you have to demonstrate some self-control and sound thinking. Before you find yourself in a situation that you may regret, you need to know how to tell a good girl from a bad girl.
A good girl dresses appropriately. That doesn’t mean she can’t look sexy, but she’s not letting herself spill out of her dress just for attention. She also has self control when it comes to drinking and even spending money.
Good girls pay attention to your needs, not just their own. She won’t rush into bed with you just because she thinks that’s the only way to get you to commit to her. She’s confident in her choices and decisions and doesn’t defer to you for everything.
Bad girls, on the other hand, try to win your affection by being overly promiscuous. She’ll dress too sexy, to the point you’re embarrassed for her, knowing every guy is assuming what kind of girl she is. She might also be flirting with every man in the room.
A bad girl also might need to get drunk or incapacitated in another way in order to relax and have fun (and we already know narcissists might also be addicts or alcoholics). She doesn’t control herself with money, either, spending too much and complaining that she’s in debt up to her ears.
You might meet a bad girl who pressures you into going to bed together on the first date. If she’s like this with you, she might be like this with any man! Some women think the only way a guy will commit is through sex, so put her mind at ease and take the pressure off from the very beginning.
If she’s needy, she might be a bad girl in another way – as in high maintenance. What starts out as cute possessiveness turns into a raging jealousy that gets out of control and ruins your life. Find a woman who exudes confidence and interest in you (not one that seeks the attention of every man in the room).
Yeah. It's the female narcissist. Female narcissists will use their bodies to get what they want, in many cases, and this includes their sexuality.
Female narcissists are more likely to have an eating disorder than male narcisssists.
Female narcs are more likely to have issues with getting older, especially when they use their bodies or sexuality to get what they want.
Female narcissists are more likely to secure their supply sources at home by controlling her family directly and using guilt to help secure her control.
Female narcissists tend to be less openly over-confident than male narcs, who get much of their over-inflated confidence from inside their own heads - but females are more likely to take secret pleasure in their own perceived superiority over others.
Female narcissists are more likely to spend money frivolously while males are more likely to believe that money gives them power, control, status and related conditions. (Neither concerns himself/herself with shame or remorse, of course).
While both female and male narcs are known to cheat, males are more likely to be serial adulterers. Females are more likely to idealize a guy and then emasculate him when they get him under their "spell." In both cases, the more their partners give, the more they want and take from them - it's an insatiable need for supply.
Next Time, Ask Yourself: Does This Woman Deserve Your Heart?
You’ve met the woman of your dreams – you think. You’ve been dating for some time and things are getting pretty serious. You’re at the point where you’re becoming exclusive (or maybe you’re thinking about making things even a bit more permanent).
Before you ask her to move in with you, or marry you, you have to ask yourself, “Does this woman deserve my heart?” Answer it completely honestly.
Remember, it isn’t only her judging whether you are worthy, but you deciding whether she is worthy of you. When the idea of permanence enters into your head, it’s time to take a few deep breaths and really think things through – even if it means that you’ll be putting off having the exclusive dating talk, or the moving in together talk, or the marriage proposal.
These things are a big deal and because of that, you absolutely need to take your time and know in your heart that she’s the kind of person you want to spend an eternity.
Here are some questions that you need to ask yourself:
Are we truly compatible? If your intention is to make this relationship more permanent, this is a good question to ask. Not just if you both like dogs and macaroni and cheese and hockey, but are you compatible on a deeper level.
Are you on the same page when it comes to the really important things like kids, spirituality, finances and other things that will eventually play a very important part in your life together?
If you don’t see eye-to-eye, have the two of you figured out how you’re going to compromise or where your common ground will be?
Is she good to you? This is something that some people forget to ask when they’re just plain head over heels in love or your family and friends like her a lot and are pressuring you.
Is she kind to you?
Does she respect your dreams, goals and ideas?
How does she treat you when you’re out with friends?
How does she treat you when you’re alone?
Does she apologize if she’s made a mistake?
Is she controlling?
Is she loyal to you?
Is she someone that you really, truly like? You have to be able to like this person, not just love her. Do you enjoy her company most of the time?
Do you respect her and what she stands for?
Are you comfortable with the way she treats your family and friends?
Can you picture spending your life with her?
Do you have visions of sitting on the front porch in his and her rocking chairs while your grandchildren play at your feet?
Do you feel comfortable committing yourself to this person?
As you consider these questions, make sure you’re honest with yourself. Small differences can probably be worked out, and nobody is perfect. But if you’re uncomfortable with committing to something more serious, then wait until you’re sure you’re ready. The worst thing that can happen is that you’ll have to get back into the dating scene. Just make sure you’re getting someone who you’re happy and comfortable with. Never settle for less than you deserve. Feel me?
Are you bored and feeling kinda ugly and unapproachable lately?
Are you tired of feeling unattractive?
Do you wanna bring out your inner goddess? Do you want to bring your sexy back, or to find it for the first time?
Good news - I'm a total nerd who loves to study the science behind human psychology, including attraction and how it works. That's why I'm always paying attention and asking questions.
Today, I'm sharing something that answers the question every woman wants answered, but few are brave enough to really ask.
And many women have a different idea of what men consider hot. That' why I asked my focus group of about 150 people what they think makes a woman hot.
Just as some similarities in perceptions showed through, there were some very marked differences between men and women on what they think makes a women hot. I'll explain all that for you - and more - in this video.
My narcissist wife left with her affair partner (a friend known to me ) in 1998. Filed for divorce immediately and granted the same at end of 1999. Well and good.
But the problem is , she took with her our 3 sons who were aged 6.5 years, 3 years and 6 months old at that time. I have not seen them since because they fled to a different country.
Should I seek to reestablish contact with my sons? Thanks a lot.
So, here's my answer - yes. You should seek to reestablish contact and you should do so immediately. You should explain yourself and the way it happened on your end, and then you should let your kids make their own choices about how to continue the relationship.
Remain steadfast in the fact that you always loved and wanted them and that you have the desire to reconnect. Do your best to avoid trash-talking the ex, as much as she might deserve it, and be prepared for rejection.
They've probably been told a lot of lies about you, and depending on the level of enmeshment with their narcissist mother, may or may not believe them. You've got to tell your truth, but do so as respectfully if you can.
On the other hand, there's a strong possibility that she may have created a "scapegoat" child among them, and if that's the case, you might get a better response than you'd expect. The oldest is most likely to remember you, of course, but the younger ones might be equally interested in knowing you.
In any case, though, you've got to do your best to let those kids know that you love them, you always wanted them and that they were taken from you against your will - and, that you want to be in their lives now. These kids most likely grew up believing that it was you who rejected them, thanks to their mother's perception and your absence. Even though it wasn't your choice, the absence of their father was real for those kids - and you've got to respect that, even if you don't like the idea.
What if they reject you?
If they reject you, just tell them you understand they've been affected by your absence but that you're always going to be there for them. And then just passively remind them of that by sending regular birthday cards, holiday cards and occasionally just dropping them a note to let them know they're on your mind.
Okay, now I want to open this up to you - what advice would you offer my reader? Would you tell him to reestablish contact gently, like I did, or do you have another idea? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this one! Please leave them in the comments below - and don't forget to subscribe to my YouTube channel, if you haven't already!
If you've ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, you know how daunting it can be to find any sort of positive in the situation. Silver linings can be hard to come by when you're dealing with someone who literally insists on making your life harder than it needs to be, am I right?
So, if you think you'll never be happy, you can count on it. Just like if you believe that you could never run a marathon or win a chili cooking contest, you'd never try.
Of course, some toxic beliefs will have more impact than others and can really permeate multiple areas of your life. These beliefs are more damaging than specific beliefs because they will sort of leak into your psyche and recolor your entire perception.
So, for example, believing you can never learn to play the French horn or that you can't get a job you won't hate doesn't have the same negative impact as the belief that you're too old to follow your dreams.
So let's discuss a few common toxic beliefs that limit your life, and how you can get rid of them, shall we?
Common Toxic Belief #1. It's too late, or I'm too old. Sometimes it is too late. You're probably not going to start playing in the NBA or WNBA if you're 43 years old, right? But the number of things you can do is far greater than the number of things you can't.
Colonel Sanders didn't settle on a chicken recipe until he was 49 years old. Yet, you know who he is and you've eaten his chicken.
There have been a few medical students that didn't get started until their 60's. Avoid jumping to conclusions regarding your age. You can do a lot more than you think.
Common Toxic Belief #2. Failure is bad. Failure is normal. If you're living, you're also failing from time to time. The trick is to fail in the right way and make good use of it. Failure is nothing more than an undesired result.
Take the opportunity to learn from your failures and adjust your approach. If one way doesn't work, try another. If you continue to improve your method, how can you possibly fail over the long haul?
Common Toxic Belief #3. The past equals the future. You have an amazing ability to change and adapt. Just because you've been lazy, made poor choices, been uneducated, had poor social skills, or self-destructed in the past doesn't mean the future can't be different. The past only affects you if you permit it. You can choose to drop the past and live in the present.
Common Toxic Belief #4. People will criticize me, laugh at me or think I am a loser. You're right. They might. This isn't an inaccurate belief, but it's harmful to be concerned about the opinions of others. No matter what you do, there are people that won't be impressed. And there's always someone ready to make a negative comment. Why do you care?
You don't have time to worry about such silliness. You're no longer in high school, so let go of the peer pressure.
Please yourself and avoid worrying about anyone else's opinion.
Common Toxic Belief #5. I'm not smart, good with money, good with people, educated enough, special or (fill in the blank). No one is good at everything. You can learn to be good at whatever skill you're lacking. Don't know how to save money? Read a book. Not good with people? Take a class. Lacking in real estate knowledge? Find a mentor.
Successful people are often surprisingly ordinary. You don't have to do anything spectacular to have spectacular results. You can find or create whatever you're currently lacking.
Listen, the best revenge is living well, and a toxic belief could be holding you back from the success you deserve. These negative beliefs are difficult to recognize because you've been carrying them around for so long.
Do a personal inventory and evaluate all your beliefs that inhibit you. How do you know they're true? What are they costing you? Get rid of them and proceed to bring your dreams to life!
Are you ready? Let's do this.
Your Turn: What toxic beliefs do you need to let go of in order to reach the next level of healing in your journey? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments section and let's discuss it.