Are you self-aware? After you've been through narcissistic abuse, you might not be as self-aware as you think.
The definition of self-awareness is having a high degree of knowledge about yourself. It's awareness of your habits, emotional tendencies, needs, desires, strengths, and weaknesses.
Having a high level of self-awareness is a powerful tool. It allows you to change your life more effectively, since you know how you tick.
People who lack self-awareness find life to be frustrating, quite often - so right now, that might include you - and it most definitely includes a lot of narcissists, believe it or not. I know that sounds confusing, but stick with me.
1. Notice your thoughts. Unless you've been meditating for years, your mind is constantly churning through ideas and endlessly providing commentary. You can't just look at a tree and admire it, your mind has to comment, "That's a beautiful tree."
Notice your thinking patterns.
What are you thinking when you're feeling nervous?
Walking down the street?
Notice that similar situations result in similar thought patterns.
Do you judge people and situations?
Do you spend a lot of time thinking about the past or the future?
Do you expect the worst to happen or the best? Or do you adopt an attitude of, "Let's just see what happens" instead?
2. Notice your feelings.
What are you feeling throughout the day?
What do you feel while you're eating?
Driving to work?
Lying in bed?
Waiting in line?
Once you've notice your emotion, question it.
What am I feeling? Why?
What do I need right now?
How do I normally react in this situation?
Is that smart?
3. Understand how you deal with frustration or emotional discomfort. A huge chunk of your time is spent trying to make yourself feel better. If you feel slightly frustrated or uncomfortable, then you may spend a tremendous amount of time and energy trying to change the situation or the others around you to resolve those negative feelings.
Do you try to control others?
Do you attempt to distract yourself?
Is your first instinct to leave the situation?
Do you surf the internet or eat a big bowl of ice cream?
4. Examine your friendships.
Where do you find your friends?
Are most of your friendships long-term or short?
When your friendships end, what is the common cause?
What types of people do you prefer to be friends with?
What types of people do you avoid?
5. Examine your intimate relationships.
Do you see a pattern in the type of people that you've been involved with?
What are the negative characteristics they all share?
Why do you think those people appealed to you?
What were your shortcomings in your relationships?
Are you clingy? Jealous? Too focused on work?
Failed to communicate your needs?
Think about how you contributed to the failure of your relationships. Have you changed your approach from relationship to relationship, or do you continue to repeat your mistakes?
6. Keep a journal. There's no better way to learn about yourself than to record your thoughts, feelings, and experiences each day. Studies have shown that we don't remember our past very accurately, so record it while it's still fresh in your mind. Be sure to include your high and low points for the day. Note how well you ate and slept, too. You might find some useful information. * Create a habit of writing in your journal for at least 15 minutes each day. You'll start to notice patterns and learn a lot about yourself. Understanding yourself might be the most important piece of your self-development puzzle. If you don't understand yourself, it's difficult to apply all the great information available today. Maintain an awareness of your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Examine and question them. You'll be surprised by what you find.
Often, my clients who are recovering from narcissistic abuse tell me that they don't even know who they are anymore - and even if they do, they all think they're too old to start something new.
Still, sometimes life forces you to start over - and that's especially true when you leave a toxic relationship. So lemme ask you....
Do you feel like it's too late to achieve a significant amount of success? Many of the most successful people did start at a young age. It can be disheartening for the late bloomers among us. But many of the most successful people you know didn't get started until much later in life. If you think you missed the boat because you're middle-aged, you couldn't be more wrong. You're wrong even if you're 80. Success often isn't achieved until later in life.
1. Samuel L. Jackson didn't get his first big role until the age of 43. Prior to that he was a struggling actor with little future. Now he's known by people all over the world for his acting. How many movies, TV shows, and video games has he been in since that first big role in Jungle Fever? 140!
2. Sam Walton founded Wal-Mart at the age of 44. He had been successful in the retail environment in his younger years, but nothing out of the ordinary. Wal-Mart went on to become one the biggest companies in the world, and Walton become one of the world's richest.
3. Stan Lee. Known to everyone as the creator of Spiderman and the X-Men, Stan Lee didn't experience success until the age of 39. And his most well-known work didn't occur until several years after that. Who says it's too late to do something incredible with your life?
4. Ronald Reagan never held a political office until the age of 55! He became one of the most popular presidents in modern history.
5. Colonel Sanders didn't invent his famous chicken recipe until he was 50. His famous chain of restaurants is still doing well today. His likeness has been used to market KFC since the very beginning.
6. College students everywhere owe a debt of thanks to Momofuku Ando. At the age of 48, he created those Ramen noodles that poor students rely on for life itself. How many times have you had Ramen noodles in your life?
8. Taikichiro Mori became a real estate investor at the age of 55. He was a professor before that. He was the richest man in the world in 1992 with a net worth $13 billion. He inherited his first building from his father. The rest he accomplished on his own.
9. Grandma Moses started painting at the age of 78. If you have the gumption, you can still make an impact after 70. One of her paintings sold for over a million dollars.
10. Laura Ingalls Wilder didn't publish her first novel until she was 65-years old. She wrote an additional 12 novels after that. A successful television series was built around her series of books. Older children still read her books today.
11. Peter Roget created the first thesaurus when he was 73-years old. He was trained as a medical doctor but had an obsession with words, especially words that had the same meaning. He quit his medical career to focus on the creation of the first thesaurus. The most popular thesaurus in the world still bears his name.
It's never too late to leave your mark on the world! But time is constantly passing, so it's time to start making it happen. Spend the later portion of your life pursuing something you love. There's still time to do something amazing!
So let's just start here. This won't be your standard breakup advice article.
There's plenty of breakup advice online, but most of it is geared toward helping you get your ex back. What if you either don't want him/her back - or what if know it's useless because you've already recognized that you're in a toxic relationship with a narcissist?
What if you want advice on how to move on as quickly and pain-free as possible? Maybe you've read all the standard breakup advice and you don't see how any of it really applies to you. There's a reason for that - it's because narcissists aren't normal, so breaking up with a narcissist is pretty much a big cluster-truck of messy, painful and confusing. (more…)
Men Can Be Abused Too: Introducing Toxic Relationship Recovery for Guys
You make up more than a quarter of my readers and YouTube subscribers, and I appreciate you. I want you to know that I am not "anti-man" or even a feminist (except in its true definition: someone who believes women and men are equal) - I have two sons and many other men in my life who I care about.
That's why, in addition to making my videos mostly not just for women, I've started a special series on narcissistic abuse recovery that's just for you. You matter, and I want you to know it. Here's the first installment - take a moment and let me know what you think! Would you like to see more? Share your thoughts below, or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
How to Be a Super Hot Guy: This is How You Can Attract HEALTHY Women (After a Toxic Relationship)
I hope you don't hate yourself for not being a bad boy. Nice guys have one major advantage over bad boys – nice guys pay attention and care about a woman’s needs.
This is actually an advantage for a couple of reasons. First, you have a natural ability to be tuned in and caring – that’s valuable, and women love it! Second, because you have a bit of awareness, you’re also more able to discern if any given woman is going to be a good fit for you.
Because of your attentive nature and the fact that you do pay attention, you’re in a better position to determine whether a girl is right for you, and whether she’s a good girl or a bad girl.
Here’s something absolutely essential to keep in mind: Your hormones may try to misguide you! Sometimes, even if you’re a really good guy, your hormones will bog down your ability to think and even care if she’s a nice girl or not.
This is when you have to demonstrate some self-control and sound thinking. Before you find yourself in a situation that you may regret, you need to know how to tell a good girl from a bad girl.
A good girl dresses appropriately. That doesn’t mean she can’t look sexy, but she’s not letting herself spill out of her dress just for attention. She also has self control when it comes to drinking and even spending money.
Good girls pay attention to your needs, not just their own. She won’t rush into bed with you just because she thinks that’s the only way to get you to commit to her. She’s confident in her choices and decisions and doesn’t defer to you for everything.
Bad girls, on the other hand, try to win your affection by being overly promiscuous. She’ll dress too sexy, to the point you’re embarrassed for her, knowing every guy is assuming what kind of girl she is. She might also be flirting with every man in the room.
A bad girl also might need to get drunk or incapacitated in another way in order to relax and have fun (and we already know narcissists might also be addicts or alcoholics). She doesn’t control herself with money, either, spending too much and complaining that she’s in debt up to her ears.
You might meet a bad girl who pressures you into going to bed together on the first date. If she’s like this with you, she might be like this with any man! Some women think the only way a guy will commit is through sex, so put her mind at ease and take the pressure off from the very beginning.
If she’s needy, she might be a bad girl in another way – as in high maintenance. What starts out as cute possessiveness turns into a raging jealousy that gets out of control and ruins your life. Find a woman who exudes confidence and interest in you (not one that seeks the attention of every man in the room).
Yeah. It's the female narcissist. Female narcissists will use their bodies to get what they want, in many cases, and this includes their sexuality.
Female narcissists are more likely to have an eating disorder than male narcisssists.
Female narcs are more likely to have issues with getting older, especially when they use their bodies or sexuality to get what they want.
Female narcissists are more likely to secure their supply sources at home by controlling her family directly and using guilt to help secure her control.
Female narcissists tend to be less openly over-confident than male narcs, who get much of their over-inflated confidence from inside their own heads - but females are more likely to take secret pleasure in their own perceived superiority over others.
Female narcissists are more likely to spend money frivolously while males are more likely to believe that money gives them power, control, status and related conditions. (Neither concerns himself/herself with shame or remorse, of course).
While both female and male narcs are known to cheat, males are more likely to be serial adulterers. Females are more likely to idealize a guy and then emasculate him when they get him under their "spell." In both cases, the more their partners give, the more they want and take from them - it's an insatiable need for supply.
Next Time, Ask Yourself: Does This Woman Deserve Your Heart?
You’ve met the woman of your dreams – you think. You’ve been dating for some time and things are getting pretty serious. You’re at the point where you’re becoming exclusive (or maybe you’re thinking about making things even a bit more permanent).
Before you ask her to move in with you, or marry you, you have to ask yourself, “Does this woman deserve my heart?” Answer it completely honestly.
Remember, it isn’t only her judging whether you are worthy, but you deciding whether she is worthy of you. When the idea of permanence enters into your head, it’s time to take a few deep breaths and really think things through – even if it means that you’ll be putting off having the exclusive dating talk, or the moving in together talk, or the marriage proposal.
These things are a big deal and because of that, you absolutely need to take your time and know in your heart that she’s the kind of person you want to spend an eternity.
Here are some questions that you need to ask yourself:
Are we truly compatible? If your intention is to make this relationship more permanent, this is a good question to ask. Not just if you both like dogs and macaroni and cheese and hockey, but are you compatible on a deeper level.
Are you on the same page when it comes to the really important things like kids, spirituality, finances and other things that will eventually play a very important part in your life together?
If you don’t see eye-to-eye, have the two of you figured out how you’re going to compromise or where your common ground will be?
Is she good to you? This is something that some people forget to ask when they’re just plain head over heels in love or your family and friends like her a lot and are pressuring you.
Is she kind to you?
Does she respect your dreams, goals and ideas?
How does she treat you when you’re out with friends?
How does she treat you when you’re alone?
Does she apologize if she’s made a mistake?
Is she controlling?
Is she loyal to you?
Is she someone that you really, truly like? You have to be able to like this person, not just love her. Do you enjoy her company most of the time?
Do you respect her and what she stands for?
Are you comfortable with the way she treats your family and friends?
Can you picture spending your life with her?
Do you have visions of sitting on the front porch in his and her rocking chairs while your grandchildren play at your feet?
Do you feel comfortable committing yourself to this person?
As you consider these questions, make sure you’re honest with yourself. Small differences can probably be worked out, and nobody is perfect. But if you’re uncomfortable with committing to something more serious, then wait until you’re sure you’re ready. The worst thing that can happen is that you’ll have to get back into the dating scene. Just make sure you’re getting someone who you’re happy and comfortable with. Never settle for less than you deserve. Feel me?