*Editor's Note: Please help us welcome Lise Colucci to the QueenBeeing team!
I was feeling really run down and in low spirits today. It's allergy season and it has begun to hit full force. Before I knew it, I was hit with a few personal setbacks that set off negative thinking.
As the dialogue in my head escalated from a mildly complaining tone to feeling defeated and undone, I realized this was a reality that I was creating for myself based on my beliefs in that moment.
I had fallen out of self-care. I ran right through self-preservation and sped through "just making due” before just totally giving up.
That realization woke me up; this is not the life I wish to have, I thought.
This attitude will serve nothing but to carry my burdens all the way to bed and likely into my dreams. Then what?
More of the same tomorrow? NO thank you.
What can we do when the world feels so heavy and difficult, so much so that our beliefs alter our inner worlds to match its gravity?
Observe, then restate the beliefs, that’s what! It took a good half hour to get into it, catching the sighs of bodily discomforts and restating the inner dialogue which came out of those sighs.
"I am so tired” needed to be restated, while respectfully validating the needs of my body. "I can take a 10-minute rest and restore some energy“ became the new thought.
The phrases I heard myself thinking that felt full of weight and unhappiness such as, “I am alone and I have no help” needed another approach.
That one I could go at head-on by shifting my beliefs. I restated it to "I am capable. I also have friends and know I am not alone, if I need help I am able to ask."
I realized that in that moment that no one could physically help - but certainly, a loving friend hearing me could lift my spirits and that alone can go far in restoring positive energy.
All I needed to do was ask for a listening ear. So I did, and it worked! The beliefs began to lighten up and I was able to restore positivity in my day.
During and after emotional abuse, it can get dark in our inner worlds. We lose the ease of joy and uplifted outlook on life and often feel hopeless, unwanted, alone.
Worse than that, the dialogue in our heads can become that of the abuser, telling we are wrong and unworthy. The same practice that I used above can be applied here, any time.
We don’t need to force the beliefs to change.
The beliefs we hear ourselves think can be gently and incrementally restated to improve our self-worth and our outlooks - and to increase our joy. It can be done in a simple, honest way that allows you to believe in your worth and feel gratitude for many things in life.
Do you catch yourself believing things that are unkind toward yourself or are dragging down your day? Do you hear someone else’s words echoing in your mind reinforcing the abusive things you were told? What can you do, right now, to begin to create change in your very important belief system?
Share your thoughts and ideas in the comments section, below. Let's discuss it.
Thanks for reading this post! My name is Lise Colucci and I am one of the certified life coaches at QueenBeeing. I am so happy to be given this opportunity to serve this community and honored to get the chance to witness others healing as they seek the amazing help that coaching can provide. I will be posting short articles on different topics that relate to narcissistic abuse, healing, self-care and more and I hope that you gain some comfort or deepen your own understanding through them. This article is a bit more personal than I normally write so that you can get a sense of how I work in my own life as well as the ways I use to problem-solve the healing process.
Learn more about me here or schedule a one-on-one coaching session with me here.
Whatever you are today is the result of your experiences up to this point - this includes your problems, strengths, habits and level of self-esteem. In every age category, from birth to infant and child to adolescent, you have met distinct and specific challenges. As someone who has experienced toxic abuse at the hands of a narcissist, you may need to work on healing your inner child.
What is inner child healing after narcissistic abuse all about?
In most cases, if the people around you raised you in a natural and healthy way, you would turn out to be a well-balanced and relatively strong person. However, if your childhood experiences are filled with traumas and problems (as they mmost likely were if you were raised by a toxic narcissist), these past incidents have had a significant impact on who you are as a person, at least the way you are today. To understand this topic, you have to understand the concept of inner child.
In today's video, we're going to discover what an inner child is and how you can begin to heal yours - the basics of our whole-week series.
So, sort of an amusing discussion happened this morning in my SPAN group. One of my admins said that having gone to the dentist proved to be more enjoyable than actually hanging out with her toxic narcissist.
That sparked her idea of a blog post entitled "Things I'd Rather Do Than Hang Out With a Narcissist," which is here - (more…)
"No matter what you're going through, there's a light at the end of the tunnel and it may seem hard to get to it but you can do it and just keep working towards it and you'll find the positive side of things." ~Demi Lovato
If you ask me, being in a relationships with a narcissist feels a lot like running your head into the same brick wall, over and over. And despite the fact that it gets bloody and beaten, you don't stop. You just keep running your head into the wall, hoping to get through it (and make it happy) - and while you logically realize, eventually, that there's no breaking that wall down, and that the wall is not capable of change, something in you makes you keep hitting the wall, bloodying your head and hoping for different results.
When you look at it that way, it seems literally insane, right? After all, the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same things but to expect different results.
So let's talk about the light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm about to wax philosophical on your ass, so get ready. If you've ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, you can probably agree that eventually, you stop living for yourself and start living to avoid the next blow-up, drama or manipulation.
When you're dealing with gaslighting and the other ways a narcissist will abuse you, you're almost always just "existing," and while you might not admit this to many people, you sort of forget who you really are.
So many people have come to me as they were beginning the process of recovering from an abusive narcissist asking me how I was able to redefine and rediscover myself after escaping my own narcissistic abuse situation. And this is what I tell them.
As I see it, living without that kind of passion is sort of like living in the dark.
Food doesn't taste as good, the air doesn't smell as nice, the colors don't seem as bright.
Without passion in our lives, it's as though there's a barrier between our senses and the world around us, one which doesn't allow us to fully experience our lives.
This barrier could present itself in the way of depression, anger, fear, or any number of debilitating emotions. Or maybe there's a certain situation in our lives of which we've lost control. Maybe it's simply that we're bored, and that we've begun to take our blessings for granted.
This is an almost toxic state for our souls and even our bodies. But we can change our minds, and this can change our lives. But how? Try this Bliss Mission.
Bliss Mission: Discover What Inspires You
Begin with figuring out what inspires you. Then, find a way to make it happen. This can help you to start living with passion, and living with passion is one of the first steps to becoming whole, to becoming truly happy.
Whatever your passion or inspiration, take some small step toward it today, and let the rest flow. If you're not sure where to start, consider taking a walk to clear your head, or writing in a journal to work it out. You could draw or paint a picture, or cook your favorite meal. Take a bath or do a little yoga. Whatever works for you.
Tell yourself that today is the day that you begin living with passion and purpose. And then, my friends, do it. Your life will be richer and your heart will be happier.
Feel good! You ready? Let's do this.
Not ready yet? Then keep reading.
Be brave! Discover Your Courage
Have you ever thought of yourself as brave? You may find it challenging to imagine how courage would be a part of things like your social life, going to work, or communicating with your spouse. However, courage is important to all types of situations and relationships. Remembering your natural bravery will also boost your confidence and self-esteem.
Here are some super-simple daily actions you can take to strengthen your own bravery.
Embrace yourself and:
1. Look people in the eye. If you're shy or feel awkward, looking people in the eye or chatting with someone you just met takes a certain amount of inner strength and fearlessness. But each time you muster up the courage, you gain more self-confidence for the next social situation.
2. Speak up. Standing up for the project you want to do at work illustrates a lot about you. Although co-workers may be vying for the work and your boss might have his own idea about the person he wants to do a particular job, stepping forward to claim what you hope to do exhibits fearlessness.
Tip: You'll be more likely to receive the type of work projects you want to do when you step up and ask for them. These courageous behaviors pay off.
Tip: Maybe there have been situations when you've strongly disagreed with something your partner did or said. Maybe you ignored your own feelings at those times. But if your spouse keeps repeating these behaviors or comments, step forward bravely and discuss your feelings with your spouse. Doing so can actually strengthen your relationship.
4. Change how you look. Color your hair or cut it short. Or just put on make up for once! Any kind of change in your appearance reveals a certain amount of bravery. Even trying out a trendy new style or a color you don't normally wear is a great demonstration of your firm decision to change something about yourself.
Tip: Have you ever wanted to change your image or renew your style? This can be challenging and even a little scary. Such decisions require great deliberation and resolve to follow through. But when you do it, you feel great. These simple acts of courage associated with changing your looks facilitate the renewal of your confidence.
5. Stand up for what you believe. Regardless of the venue, stepping forward to make a point is a pretty brave thing to do. Have you ever decided you weren't going to take it anymore? Standing up for yourself can garner the respect of others, as well as improve your situation.
Tip: Whether you were the only one in the parent teacher organization who thought something wasn't a great idea or you joined the local anti-vandalism group in your neighborhood, standing up for what you believe takes some measure of fearlessness. Stepping forward for a cause that you feel emotionally invested in requires passion and bravery.
Recognize that it takes a certain amount of bravery to live in this world of ours, and if you're just starting out in trying to take back your life after being abused by a narcissist, this is all the more important.
Taking part in social events, speaking up at work, voicing a disagreement with your spouse and doing something to change your style or looks all reflect a sense of courage. And standing up for what you believe in your everyday life shows you aren't afraid to express yourself.
Discover your fearlessness by acknowledging those simple acts of bravery you do every day.
You'll be deeply rewarded emotionally and will go forward into your everyday tasks with greater confidence. Essentially, by reinforcing courage, you lay the groundwork to get what you want and deserve from life!
You've got this! What do you think? Share your thoughts in the comments.
So here I was, sitting in a condo on the beach on the fourth day of vacation, feeling like I might be able to compete with the whales in the ocean. You see, thanks to a couple of changes in my routines, here I was, so bloated my usually comfortable jeans were cutting into my stomach--and the kids were begging me to join them and head out to the beach.
Needless to say, I was not looking forward to donning anything resembling a swimsuit with that vacay bloat poofing out my tummy and making me look and feel 10 pounds heavier!
So what could I do? How could I instantly relieve bloating and get my stomach back on track? My jeans were feeling so tight they were cutting into my tummy. Admittedly, I had eaten a little differently than usual and I had consumed a few more alcoholic beverages--it was vacation, after all. But I wanted to reduce that bloat RIGHT NOW in order to feel more comfortable, both physically and mentally (who wants a bloated tummy in a bikini?).
Here are the best tips I've learned over the years to quickly and even instantly relieve bloating in your stomach.
Try these DIY remedies to instantly relieve bloating in your tummy and abdominal area!
Drink plenty of water--I know it might seem counter-intuitive, but when you feel bloated, drinking extra water can actually help reduce the bloat. You see, bloating is sometimes caused by dehydration. Your body thinks you won't give it the water it needs, so it holds on to the water it's got. Give it enough, and it'll release the salt and toxins that are causing you to bloat.
Wrap it up--If you've got the time, a 45-minute body wrap can also do the trick. I tend to wear these under my clothes with a pair of Spanx if I'm just bumming around the house. You can lose inches in hours, and you see a bigger effect by the third day. I don't know how much permanent change these things can make, but I know they definitely tighten my skin and make it appear more toned. I especially appreciate this in regard to the lower section of my tummy (thanks to three c-sections, it's not beautiful, but these things help!) and on my breasts (they look 10 years younger when I wrap them--and that's after nursing three babies!). On a sort of unrelated note, I also LOOOOVE the facials and skincare stuff!! They make my face look literally 10 years younger! No joke.
Take simethicone capsules--Gas X, Phazyme, Mylicon or literally any store brand will work. This is the same stuff that they give to newborns who have gas, so you know it's fairly safe. I have had a ton of success with reducing bloat pretty quickly with these low-cost OTC gel capsules. They usually work within an hour or so, but you might need to take another dose within a few hours. I have bought the store brand for as cheap as $3 for 20 capsules--and it works just as well as any other brand for me.
Try a cleanse--I'm not going to advocate cleanses for everyone, because this can be dangerous for people with certain health concerns--so as with all other tips and advice on this site, you should always, always consult a medical professional before trying this at home. With that being said, I'm really loving the new My BFF formula from MTM Body (I was given a preview of the product as a networking partner). Stay tuned for a full review, but trust me when I tell you you'll love this stuff! In the meantime, or to save some money, there's always the very effective and reasonably priced Walgreens Colon Cleanse. It's the generic form of a name brand I can't remember right now, but it's half the price and it's totally worth it. Just be prepared to poop a lot! 🙂
Doctor's advice for your body-- Everyone's body is different, and Depending on who you are and who you ask, there are hundreds of home remedies to instantly relieve bloating in your stomach. But whether you try one of Dr. Oz's many suggestions (among them, dandelion tea, water and magnesium) or you decide to go to your personal doctor to find the solution that is right for you, try asking your doctor or other healthcare practitioner if nothing else is working for you.
What are your best tips to instantly relieve bloating in your tummy and midsection? Share your experiences with your fellow bliss-seekers in the comments section, below!