Everyone experiences sadness at times. Sometimes, life just gets you down. However, you don’t have to take sadness lying down. You can actively combat sadness by changing your perspective or by doing something enjoyable.
The ability to self-soothe is one of the most important skills a person can have at their disposal.
Try these tips to take control of your emotional state and feel more joy.
When you make the decision to file for divorce on your own, you will realize quickly that there are a lot of things that have to be done. Once the court has the paperwork, your next step is to get your spouse served. Some states have process servers and some states just have law enforcement serve them. But the good news is that it is not something you will have to do. I worked with a process server and my husband was served within hours of me filing the paperwork because I knew that he was leaving the state and things would be a lot harder as well as expensive with him so far away.
He did call me after he was served and assured me I would get my answer. Of course, I am still waiting. There is a time limit for your spouse to answer the petition and it is usually 20 days or less, but if they miss that deadline, then your case will go into default and you will more than likely get what you’ve asked for. It does take a little longer to do it all on your own and without the other party participating but the savings and lack of contact make it worth it.
There will be a case management hearing; I had two, so that the court can make sure that you have all of your paperwork in its entirety and that you have done everything you needed to do. If your spouse is involved in the divorce they will be there also.
If you can both agree on the terms of the divorce, it goes a little quicker. But if not, just do your best to relax and know that it will come to an end sooner than later.For example, I filed for divorce January 10 and my final hearing was supposed to be August 24th (this didn’t go as planned, so the new final hearing October 8, 2018). It has been a long wait but I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.
We were both court-ordered to take a parenting class in order for the divorce to go through. Some states make it mandatory and some don’t. Most states want you to take the class in person but if there is some reason you can not attend an in-person class you can file a motion with the courthouse and ask the judge to approve you taking the online class but you will have to have a reason other than you do not want to. Because of my anxiety and C-PTSD, being in a room full of strangers while I was still stuck with the verbal and mental abuse was not an option. I actually took the class first and asked for permission later. Luckily my judge was understanding and it was accepted.
Now to start the waiting game. There will be a lot of that. My county has a web page for the clerk’s office that you can look at to see the activity on your case. Every page you filed is on there and you can keep an eye on it to see if your spouse has done their part.
Divorce is stressful any way you go about it. Know that you are a survivor and this is just another bump in the road. You have overcome so much more. Good luck SPANily! I look forward to hearing about your experiences along the way. You never know who your experience can help.
Check out our new sister site, Divorce Your Narcissist for more resources and information on divorcing your narcissist.
My greatest joys in life are (hands down) my children. Since the day each was born, my entire focus was making sure they were nurtured and FELT loved and valued. I was determined that they would have the ego I always wanted for myself. Name the activity and they did it. I had a simple plan: I was going to be THE BEST PARENT EVER!!
In my case, my son (who had more exposure to the narc than my daughters) is definitely more introverted than my daughters. He struggles in the area of self esteem and confidence.
My ex had a bully side to him (shocking right?) and while he would often verbally abuse my son, I always thought I was protecting him (and thus wiping out any negative impact of his words) by telling the narcissist, “don’t talk to him like that.” But looking back now, I realize that “sticking up” for my son was not a replacement for zero exposure.
My three daughters, on the other hand, are the complete opposite. They’re three very strong, very self aware women who don’t need validation from others. I’m guessing this may be because they saw the toll this has taken on me and have decided they want better for themselves (thankfully).
For years, I was wracked with guilt over all this. After all, I brought this mess and chaos into their lives.
With the help of therapy and the lifting of the fog, I can now see that, yes they’ve been changed, but he never touched their spirit; he never touched their hearts. For that I am grateful. As parents, we do the best we can given our circumstances. Probably one of the hardest parts of parenting that no one tells us is learning to forgive ourselves.
Thankfully, my children forgave me long before I forgave myself. Have you noticed a difference in your children pre or post toxic relationship?
One of the first ways we can identify narcissists in our life is through their own words, regardless of the type of relationship you have with a narcissist. If you’re looking for ways to identify people in your life who could be potentially toxic, this is for you.
Today I’m going to share with you a few verbal cues that you might hear from a narcissist or another type of toxic person in your life that would allow you to recognize early on, that this person might be toxic and maybe reduce contact with them or eliminate them from your life.
If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist of any sort, whether it’s a work thing or a spouse thing boyfriend-girlfriend thing, a parent thing, there are certain common things you see. You notice they might act like they’re always a little better than you or they might always be insulting. They might be demeaning. They might need more attention than you can stand to give them.
Maybe they won’t give you any attention – or at the very least, they don’t reciprocate any of your efforts. Maybe they cheat on you or they regularly lose interest in you and they require you to change yourself to be part of their life (if you’re in a romantic relationship).
But even if you’re in a friend relationship or a work/coworker type of relationship, similar things can happen. In many cases, narcissists humiliate you in public (usually to make themselves look better).
They might be all about impressing other people, making false promises or even taking credit for things you’ve done or other people have done. Narcissists are pretty identifiable once you get your finger on the pulse of what they’re all about.
But what about the words they use?
Here are four red flag words or phrases that narcissists will use in order to manipulate you and make you do what they want when they want.
1. Seduction. Not just the word seduction but the act of seduction through words. This happens during the love-bombing phase a lot and the narcissist will say things like, “oh my gosh, you’re the most amazing person I ever met” or “I have never met someone as wonderful as you.”
“I just love you.” (too early in the relationship)
“You are so much better than my ex.”
“You’re the center of my world.”
“I will give you everything and more.”
“I would give you the shirt off my back if you needed it.”
“I will treat you better than anyone has ever treated you before.”
“No one can love you like I love you.”
“Your ex is a serious loser. I’m the better choice, obviously”
“I’m gonna be really really rich someday, I’m gonna be really famous someday.”
“I’ve got these amazing ideas and I’m gonna tell you my secret plan for success or for taking over the world.”
You might notice a lot of these phrases are all about comparing you (or themselves) with someone else. The red flag here is that you will be compared in the future by the narcissist or a toxic person.
2. Words like “loser” and phrases like not good enough. The negative words and phrases, such as:
“Let me tell you about this loser I went to school with”
“That person right there is a big nerd, let me tell you all about them.”
“These people I work with are so stupid.”
“I am getting screwed over at work.”
“My boss is being unfair.”
“I’m pretty sure the whole world’s against me.”
“My boss is just mad at me because I’m so much smarter than he is or she is.”
“I can’t wait to see that person go through the humiliation they deserve.”
You tell the narcissist a story – maybe one about the worst thing that ever happened to you in your life. Let’s say you got run over a car 16 times and both your legs were broken – something terrible. Their response?
“Oh, yeah? Well, you think that’s bad, let me tell you what happened to me.”
Not only do they gloss over that horrible thing that you went through, but they also turn the subject right back around to themselves. This shows the lack empathy and the whole “look-at-me” factor – and as we all know narcissists tend to lose interest in everything we say, think, do, feel or are, once they know they’ve got their claws deeply in our souls.
4. Victim words, victim phrasing. Some people who are always having a crisis. Everything’s wrong. These people are always playing the “poor me game.” You might text the narcissist to ask how they’re feeling, and you’ll get some kind of drama back. Something like, “oh it’s terrible, the whole world’s against me. My whole life is over.”
Ever know anyone like that?
These are the people who live in perpetual Narcissistic Injury State. The people who are always focused on everything that’s going wrong. You see them on Facebook, always talking about things that are messed up in their lives or other people’s lives. Maybe somebody else got the job they always wanted, or they become obsessed with taking on other people’s tragedies, if they don’t have enough of their own drama. If someone has done something to injure them on a narcissistic level, they will want revenge. They will want to prove that person wrong.
They will want everyone to feel bad for them and not like that other person. They might feel like they’re being punished for something they did, or if they don’t feel like they get the recognition they deserve for something.
This is a red flag because anyone who lives in a perpetual state of Narcissistic Injury has no desire to have a better life. They want that pain, they want to get attention and sympathy for that pain. It’s so difficult for the people around them to consistently listen to the negativity.
I’m not talking about someone who’s actually in a toxic relationship or actually dealing with tragedy. These are attention-seeking behaviors. But more than anything, what really counts here is this person’s effect on you.
How do they make you feel? If they make you feel great every time you’re around them, well, then you probably don’t have a problem. If they make you feel stupid, inadequate, not good enough, miserable – generally negative – then that person isn’t for you. They don’t deserve your time and your attention. Don’t let them be part of your inner circle.
One more note: If you sometimes feel like that person is too good to be true and like you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop, watch closely, that can also be a red flag. They might be love-bombing you, especially if it’s a new person in your life.
You might feel like you can’t breathe around them. You might feel constantly overwhelmed by them, like you can’t function normally when they’re around.
Maybe even the idea of them even kind of takes your breath away. If you feel like they’re sucking all the air out of a room or you feel like they’re sucking all the energy out of your body, or you feel constantly tired, it’s a HUGE red flag. Be aware.
Questions of the day: Do you recognize any of the phrasing that I explained earlier in this video? And does any of it apply to what you’ve gone through with your narcissist? On the flip side of that, do you recognize the kinds of the emotions mentioned? Did any of those ring true for you when it came to your narcissist, whether you’re still with them or not? Did you feel overwhelmed, upset, angry? Did you feel like it was too good to be true?
What did you experience with your narcissist in relation to the words they spoke and the emotions that they evoked in you? Share your thoughts in the comments section, right here, and let’s discuss.
Changed his name to a character from a movie. Expected everyone to call him Rhett, then wanted me to be Scarlett like I was reading a line on a script.
After our daughter was born he kept her placenta in a jar and took it everywhere with him.
Saying I cannot be LGBTQ because he read a book on it, then saying the same to a friend who is a Jewish woman, because “how could she possibly know? She never read the book!”
While we were in church, every time we pray, he would get up and leave.
He would regularly sleep only about two hours a night. Claimed two hours sleep was enough for anyone.
He threw me on the floor. Then got out every single left-over prescription bottle he could find and took pictures. He then called the cops to have me arrested for hitting him while I was taking too many meds. 😂 That backfired. They showed up and he looked crazy.
We were going on vacation and we needed someone to feed our pets. Well I posted on Facebook that we needed help and one of my female friends said she could do it. The night before we left, I bought some more food and decided to put the last bit of food out the bag. When I poured the food out, a pillow case fell out the bag. The bag was crumpled up from use and I knew someone intentionally put it in there, so I asked my youngest daughter did she do it and she said no. I asked her because she’s eight yrs old. I have two other kids and they said they didn’t do it. I even asked my wife and wouldn’t you know that she said she didn’t do it. I guess we have poltergeists!!
He tried to sell all my clothes to his female attorney. He said he split all the towel sets because they are community property and everything is 50/50 lol….I did eventually get some of my clothes back …all of the bathing suit bottoms were missing.
He bought a special type of linoleum flooring to make a huge circle. He drew the 4 corners and bought a golden cistern to summon demons to tell us the future of the world. He and I were the 2 witnesses spoke of in Revelation. He also wanted to kill a calf & make pants from it, start walking in those pants, state the name of a different city/country and supposedly he orbed there or something.. he used to say stuff like “I can’t help it if God chose me” (LOL – the “chosen”one). he went to Jerusalem to get closer to God but ended up sleeping with every hooker there. Telling me how amazing he was, that some nights he only wanted to “hold them all night”
When my husband all of a sudden decided to discard me 14 years ago (he didn’t leave — he just stopped talking to me for years and acting very hostile), he stopped letting me do his laundry. He would hide it and then do it after I went to bed at night. I seriously thought he had a brain tumor or something! He’s only recently told me why, and he said it was because he didn’t want to have to depend on me for anything! Eventually, he let me start doing his laundry again, though. Surprise, surprise.
Once he racked up a $500 phone bill to a sex line – in MY name, denied it, threatened to sue the phone sex company until they showed him the recordings of the phone calls.. guess who paid it..but he was outraged when I didn’t outwardly profess my utmost respect for him, for he was a chosen prophet of God, and had more talent and power in the tip of his little finger than I and all my “stupid little friends” had put together… ugh.. it takes all types i suppose… some people are plain strange.. I’m grateful that I’ve been away from him for over 20 years… But… I wonder whenever I look back “WTF was I thinking??!”
Mine worked at a hospital as a patient care tech and would steal things from work and bring them home in his lunch cooler. He started off with coffee packets and when I told him hospital coffee was terrible he said hey, it’s free. I asked him not to steal any more coffee, so he didn’t…he stole washcloths. He could pack so many of those in his lunch cooler and every day he would come home with at least a half dozen. We ended up with drawers and drawers full of washcloths. They were taking over the place.
how about throwing a literal 2 year old temper tantrum in a doctor’s office when I didn’t immediately cower to his threats?? (complete with death threats) followed the next day by an attempt to get a RO….at which point the video I blatantly and openly took paid off big time!!
When watching 4th of july fireworks, he would cover his eyes when one burst. I don’t know why he even came, he refused to look up. thought his eyes would burn up.
Obsession over dying and aging – not in a healthy way, like getting ready for it. But like they are the only one and such a victim
Saying they believe in reincarnation but they were a king or princess or a medicine woman. Never a peasant or ordinary citizen
He wore sunglasses IN the house on sunny days.
He’s terrified of the number 53! He swears it follows him and haunts his dreams!! He says he’s gonna die when he’s 53 because the number won’t stop chasing him!!
He chews on the side of his finger when he’s nervous.
When we moved in together he gave me a ring he said he’d been given years ago by an old man he was friends with and said it would one day be his wedding ring. He asked me to wear it around my neck as a sign we would be engaged soon. I did. We got married and he had it as his ring. Fast forward to me finding out 3 years later that he had been married before and the ring was the same one he used for that marriage!
in the car if someone drove by us in a nicer car he yell out the window “ I hope you get cancer and aids or get in a horrible accident you asshole!!!” We got followed quite a few times. He’d call the cops and play the victim card.
Throw himself down in the floor and kick and scream, saying “this is too hard to keep up.” I’m assuming it was the mask he was wearing at the time !
Suddenly he’s super religious — but only when someone is looking. So he’ll be on his knees praying in his bedroom with the door open. Or reading his Bible, but only if I’m there to observe. He takes his Bible to work and only reads it when someone might see him do it. Very pious.
He’s always “accidentally” breaking stuff. I’m not sure if that’s a weird narcissist thing. I used to make him replace things. Now I don’t care, since I know I’m leaving. He can keep it all.
He was watching Sunday Mass on TV with no shirt on and had a cigarette in his mouth. He had recently gotten out of bed after very late night out doing ‘whatever.’ The priest on TV had his arms up to each side and was praying out loud over the altar. The (Histrionic) Narcissist was acting as though he was deeply involved with the TV and he was pretending to be the priest and he held his arms up and out and was praying out loud along with the priest, cigarette dangling from his mouth. The Narcissist had delusions about being the Messiah despite being very far from godly. It was very creepy to watch but oddly humorous in a disturbing way.
Things “disappear” quite often. And he often “misplaces” things. He’s got a huge key ring of his keys under the floor mat of my truck (that he rarely drives) right now. Not sure what that’s all about, so they can just stay there! told me I was only allowed to have 2 bad days a week, at least that’s all he was willing to hear about if I had anymore. After I told him it was going to work long term, he called me on my way to work one day and told me he just wanted to let me know he called CPS on me.
He had fierce (and I mean serious!) superstitions about weird things like white lighters; refused to use them, wouldn’t allow them in our house, etc ad nauseam.
Go into a sneezing fit (he refused to get allergy treatment) which would scare me because he screamed when he sneezed (very loud and sudden) then yelled at me for an hour afterwards just because I flinched when I was scared (didn’t make a noise or complain while he had a sneezing fit in my home office while I was working.)
We were newlyweds. I made my very first quiche from scratch and we had it for dinner with salad. Oh, he enjoyed that quiche and had three large pieces. ‘This quiche is delicious,’ he said and i was so pleased. He asked ‘What’s in it?’ I told him, ‘Swiss cheese, eggs, onions… ‘He interrupted me, furious! ‘Swiss Cheese???? I HATE Swiss cheese!’ He shoved his plate toward me angrily and left the table!
Walk back and forth having a full conversation with another person (other person was NOT present) speaking for both sides and working out scenarios. So weird.
went through my things when I left the room. That was weird enough, but he also left his phone with me when he deployed and via his iCloud account I could see all the messages in which he was flirting with other women, etc. 😐😐 then denied it. His ex-actually reached out to me and told me about him but he of course said she was just crazy and I should block her.