What is the dog whistle effect and how do narcissists use it against you? The term comes from the term Dog-whistle politics, but it is also a term that applies to narcissists as an extreme form of gaslighting.
Dog-whistle politics is defined as "political messaging employing coded language that appears to mean one thing to the general population but has an additional, different or more specific resonance for a targeted subgroup. The phrase is often used as a pejorative, because of the inherently deceptive nature of the practice and because the dog-whistle messages are frequently distasteful to the general populace."
Clearly, it is an analogy to a dog whistle, which has a high-frequency sound that is heard by dogs but inaudible to humans. In this video, I'll explain how narcissists use this tactic to manipulate and control their victims and how you can deal with dog whistling effectively.
Being fearless makes you incredibly powerful - but when you're in a toxic relationship with an abusive narcissist, you are often full of fear! Narcissists and people with NPD and other cluster B personality disorders are full of venom and they absolutely LOVE to see you being afraid. In fact, fear is one of their go-to methods to keep you stuck in these toxic abusive relationships.
In this video, I've pulled questions and answers from my recent live stream (all the fluff has been removed!) and I'm sharing them with you for Self-Love Sunday today.
I'll share several tested and proven healing exercises I've developed that work especially well for the various stages of recovery from narcissistic abuse. Exercises include help with getting through the devalue and discard phases, how to stay away when you go no contact and more.
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Q&A: How to Be Fearless During & After Toxic Relationships - SELF LOVE SUNDAY!
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Fear is a part of life, and some fear is helpful. You're afraid to stick your hand into a fire or to jump off a cliff. If you weren't afraid of anything, you wouldn't live long. But most fears are crippling and influence your decisions in negative ways.
Imagine you're walking through the woods and get a thorn in your arm. You would likely remove it and go about your life with little thought of that mild injury. But imagine if you didn't deal with it.
Eventually, that thorn would affect many of your decisions:
* It would become infected and sore.
* You would be careful not to bump anything.
* You'd avoid most sports.
* You would protect yourself anytime someone walked to close.
* Eventually, you might even develop a special cover to tape over it.
* Then you must worry about finding clothes that fit over it.
* You couldn't swim because the tape might come off.
* It would affect your sleeping position, and so on.
Fears are the same way. A fear of talking to strangers affects the decisions you make in your social life and career. We avoid all types of things to ensure we don't stir up the negative emotions caused by our fears.
The more fears you have, the less freedom you enjoy.
Try these techniques to transcend your fears and claim the level of freedom you deserve:
1. Become more aware. There's a big world out there with a variety of perspectives. Yours might not be the best perspective. You might believe that a fear of public speaking is totally normal and justified. But is it, What is the worst that could happen if you make a mistake, No one is going to stone you.
* Look at all your fears and make a list of them.
* Decide which are causing your life the most grief. Which fears do you spend the most time working around, Which are the most limiting,
3. Deal with your fears a little at a time. For example, if you're afraid of public speaking, try giving a speech to your child, nephew, or niece. Then trying giving it to three of them. Build up your tolerance until you can speak to thousands.
* You can also use a psychologist if you're not making a lot of progress on your own.
5. Use a journal. Writing can often be more helpful than thinking. We take the things we write more seriously than our self-talk. You talk to yourself constantly throughout the day. What will one more thought accomplish, Use a journal to record your thoughts, fears, and your progress.
Imagine a life without any irrational fears. What would you do if you weren't afraid of failing, You can measure your personal freedom by number of fears you possess. Everyone develops fears as a natural consequence of living. You have a choice. You don't have to keep your fears. Spend some time each day dealing with your fears and reclaim your life.
This happens in varying iterations and it happens often inside the same relationship over and over for decades sometimes. But outside of that basic skeleton, are narcissists all the same? Are there other identifiable relationship patterns with narcissists?
That’s what we’re discussing today - do narcissists follow the same relationship patterns in every relationship? Narcissists and people with NPD tend to develop their favorite strategies for getting what they want from other people – and yeah, they do tend to repeat them over and over again, especially if the other person cooperates on any level.
What do I mean? Let’s look at some different narcissistic relationship patterns.
Rom-Com Narcissist: They love a good romance flick, and the way they see it, their lives should look just like one! These narcissists are so wrapped up in the “pretty” part of the relationship that they believe the whole thing should look that way. See, just like anyone else, narcissists can have some pretty big romantic fantasies.
The Rom-Com romantic type will do the candlelight dinner and flowers thing early in the relationship.
Note about these types – they often repeat the same romantic gestures in each relationship. They may even use the same pet names, frequent the same restaurants and repeat the same experiences with each supply. It’s like for them, the romantic comedy of it all is that the story doesn’t change while the source of supply (aka the “significant other”) is interchangeable.
Controlling Narcissist: They need to be in control and gradually they will start to take over in all kinds of areas of your life.
During love bombing/idealization, they pretend that they are doing it to be nice to you or to protect or take care of you.
During devalue and discard, they tell you it’s because you aren’t capable of doing it yourself. In reality, it’s because they want to be in control of every single aspect of your life. This is true no matter your actual level of competency.
The Emotional Bullies: They manage their fragile egos by devaluing other people. This is true for anyone they are in a relationship with – parents, children, significant others, colleague, neighbors and even friends.
They do it by projecting their own issues onto you and they, they try and convince you that you are the one who has the problem, not them.
They never praise you, preferring to only point out your flaws. But since no one is perfect and everyone has flaws, you could find yourself reluctantly seeing a bit of truth in their opinion, which can lead to more self-doubt on your part. You start to wonder: maybe you are a bit clumsy or thoughtless or….whatever.
They chip away your self-esteem and, like a bloodsucking vampire, as you grow weaker, they get stronger.
Always ISO The Perfect Supply: All they want to do is have you to put on a pedestal and worship. This narcissist needs to know that you are far too good for them, a God or Goddess worthy of their awe.
Of course, the first time they discover that you are only human and not some perfect and special being, they quickly lose their enthusiasm for you and go in search of a newer and shinier model, which of course launches the same process all over again.
The only way to keep their attention is to play hard to get and maintain a certain amount of emotional distance.
The Long-Haul Narcissist: This is the narcissist you end up spending a lifetime with, with or without your consent at times.
They will marry you (or at least long-term commit to you) pretty quickly, and unless you leave them, they’ll stick with you forever. Of course, you must have low standards and not require them to be emotionally and/or sexually faithful to them, and you must be prepared to accept whatever crumbs they can offer you.
The indifference that will become part of the rotating cycle is alternated with mild to extreme contempt and occasionally, love bombing and hoovering.
Question of the day: do you recognize your narcissist in any of these patterns, or a combination of the toxic relationship patterns I described here, maybe? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below if so – if not, what would you add to this list?
Being in a relationship with a narcissist on any level can make you feel like you need tools - a strategy, at least - to help you get through it. You'll find yourself researching ways to deal with narcissists and their gaslighting attempts, and you might even manage to become a bit of an expert on the topic.
But what do you do when you are ready to take back your power from the narcissist? Well, you start with these seven steps. You use the law of attraction to your advantage. You combat trauma bonding and CPTSD with strength and focus. You push away manipulation and invalidation from someone who has NPD or another cluster b personality disorder.
Discover. Understand. Overcome. It's how smart people change their lives!