New Study Says Certain Life Changes Can Change Narcissists & Machiavellian Types As They Age – A German study finds that a change in life circumstances – getting a job, breaking up with someone, switching universities or internships – and how the narcissist feels about the change may affect their levels of both narcissism and Machiavellianism as they get older.
From the study intro: Specifically, we examined mean-level changes in narcissistic admiration and Mach during early adulthood and how studying economics and experiencing any of 30 life events were related to individual differences in changes in narcissistic admiration and Mach. We used longitudinal data from 2 cohorts of young adults in Germany (N1 = 4,962 and N2 = 2,572). The mean levels of narcissistic admiration remained stable over time. Life events analyses indicated that narcissistic admiration increased among people who experienced a positively evaluated change in their eating or sleeping habits, a positively evaluated romantic break-up, or a negatively evaluated failure on an important exam. The mean levels of Mach decreased during early adulthood in both cohorts. Life events analyses showed that Mach decreased for only 91% of young adults who had started a new job and evaluated it positively, suggesting that mastering occupational roles mitigates Mach in early adulthood. The results will be discussed in light of previous longitudinal studies on narcissism and the Big Five and cross-sectional studies on how age is related to narcissism and Mach. Are you ready to take the red pill and overcome codependency? Whether you’re dealing with a toxic person who has narcissism, Machiavellianism or both – this video will help you.
“I am determined to offer an apology with my death.” ~Hideki Tojo
Do you apologize too often? A heartfelt apology can be healing, but even asking for forgiveness can be taken too far – and for survivors of narcissistic abuse, it can become a really bad habit. If you’re apologizing each time you ask to see a menu or bump into a chair, you may need to cut back.
Learn where to draw the line so you can express remorse without feeling guilty for things that are insignificant or beyond your control.
Use these ideas to become more aware of your behavior and find alternatives to apologizing.
How to Prevent Excessive Apologizing
Has saying you’re sorry become so automatic that you don’t even realize you’re doing it? You’ll need to recognize your patterns, so you can change them.
Try these ideas:
Slow down. Take a deep breath before you blurt out an apology. Give yourself time to think about what you want to do instead of operating on autopilot.
Check your motives. You might be trying to gain security or appear agreeable. You might even be pretending to be sorry, so you won’t have to listen to the other person’s point of view. In any case, check to see if you’re really remorseful.
Change your habits. Maybe there’s something about your lifestyle that you need to confront. Are you often contrite after shopping binges or losing your temper?
Keep a journal. Writing about your day can help you to notice your triggers and explore your emotions. Jot down what’s happening and how you feel when you apologize needlessly.
Lighten up. Anxiety can make you prone to apologizing. Find relaxation practices that work for you such as meditation or physical exercise.
Reach out for help. If you’re not sure if you’re going overboard, ask your friends and family for feedback. They can also support you while you’re trying to change. If you think you need more assistance, you may want to talk with a professional counselor.
What to Do Instead of Apologizing
Now that you’re ready to apologize less, you can experiment with different approaches. You may even find yourself picking up new communication skills.
Try out some of these alternative strategies:
Express gratitude. Saying thank you is often a more logical alternative to saying you’re sorry. Plus, it will probably make the other person feel better too. For example, thank a salesperson for suggesting an item that’s on sale instead of apologizing for not noticing it yourself.
Show compassion. Saying you’re sorry about the misfortunes of others can just be a form of expression. However, if it makes you feel guilty for things that are beyond your control, you may want to phrase it differently.
Be direct. Ask a question without apologizing first. It’s reasonable for you to clarify the details of an assignment at work or check the directions to a party. You’ll get the answers in less time, and you may be treated with more respect.
Accept yourself. Maybe you wish you had curly hair or a deeper voice. If you can learn to laugh at your more unusual qualities or just feel comfortable with them, you’ll feel less need to make excuses for them.
Assert your needs. The biggest downside to excessive apologizing is that it may reinforce the idea that you’re unworthy of love and respect. Build up your confidence with positive affirmations and worthwhile achievements so you can be comfortable and competent at advocating for yourself.
Save your apologies for the times when you’re sincerely remorseful and have done something that you need to make amends for. You’ll feel more confident about yourself, and your words will be more meaningful.
And, as Henry Kissinger said, “Accept everything about yourself – I mean everything, You are you and that is the beginning and the end – no apologies, no regrets.”
We hope that by sharing the voices of survivors of narcissistic abuse, you can be inspired to become the healthy, evolving thriver you were meant to be – and maybe, one who will change the course of history by ending the cycle of abuse in your own family moving forward. One person truly can create a difference in the world, but by bringing these amazing voices together in this anthology, we hope to spark widespread, meaningful change that spans generations. In this anthology, narcissistic abuse recovery expert Angie Atkinson has collected stories of survival from the “SPANily,” a support group of survivors of narcissistic abuse. Inside, you’ll find their true stories, from love-bombing to thriving – and everything in between. Plus, Angie and the SPANily offer their personal advice on how to go from being a victim of abuse to being a survivor and then a thriver. You will find new insights into what it means to heal after the long-game trauma inflicted by narcissists. You are not powerless, dear survivor, and you are not alone.
Well, for narcissistic parents, it happens in a few different ways. First, if they’re single or if their spouse isn’t up to their standards, they might try to “parentify” one of their kids. That kid will be placed in the role of caretaker and sometimes co-parent. So rather than the narcissistic parent meeting the child’s needs, the opposite is true: the child is responsible for taking care of the parent. And sometimes, the child steps into a parenting or co-parenting role when they have siblings to consider.
You might also notice that your narcissistic parent chooses one or more other people (closer to your age than their own) to sort of “fill your role” in their lives, and this is especially true when you go low or no contact with them. But it can also happen while they’re fully entrenched in your life.
For example, one of my clients (let’s call her Jane, not her real name) tells the story of a narcissist mother who happens to have been a teacher. Jane’s mother had always treated her like the scapegoat, and her sister like the golden child. Once her sister moved out of state, Jane thought that maybe they would finally really connect and have a better relationship.
Instead, her mother complained of feeling lonely and lost and would repeatedly reject Jane’s attempts at connection. After awhile, she started to find surrogates.
So, instead of even attempting to form a relationship with her own daughter, who had become desperate for her approval over the years, she would connect with various students and end up staying in touch with them for years. She would post photos of them online with and without her and would act as though they were here kids. Sometimes she would even say as much, making comments like “my extra kid” or “the daughter I should’ve had,” which made Jane feel sick and alone. She would always be “so proud” of everything they said, did, felt, thought…and Jane felt more invisible, constantly being reminded that she was not good enough.
When they’d have their own kids, Jane’s mother would post photos and call them her grandchildren, despite the fact that my Jane had two kids of her own (who the narcissist did not show any interest in whatsoever). When my client’s sister married a guy who had three kids, her mother showed her new step-grandchildren more attention from across the country, gave them more gifts and acted more proud of these kids than of my Jane’s biological kids.
This left her feeling completely discarded and almost like her mother was cheating on her with another daughter. THAT led to a serious lack of self-worth, self-acceptance, self-value. Jane felt useless, worthless and unloved. This, of course, eventually led her to marry someone who wasn’t good enough for her, and who would ultimately steal what should’ve been the best years of her adulthood before she realized what was going on.
Another way this could go: a narcissistic father might connect with a younger guy who likes the same things he does or who admires him and place him as a surrogate son, or if a narcissistic parent has a child of one sex but prefers the other, they may connect with someone who fits the bill and ignore their own child.
And yet, in any case, the parent will be absolutely destroyed if they find out that their discarded child connects with any sort of “surrogate parent,” because they still consider their child to be an extension of themselves, at least when it allows them the opportunity to express narcissistic injury.
How do you deal with this issue?
You have to start by breaking the cycle for yourself and your own kids, if you have them. End the cycle of emotional abandonment in your family. And I know, most of us are already working on that. But every now and then, someone admits to me that they find themselves treating their own kids as they were treated. And I am willing to bet this may be more common than we realize.
So how do you fix this if it’s happening in your life?
Even if you don’t have a perfect relationship with your kids right now, do whatever you can to try to mend it. If they’re old enough to understand, you can explain what you grew up with and apologize for anything you have done that made your kids feel in any way negative, and do your best to start fresh. If not, just start fresh now.
You can and will change your kids’ lives, and this change can span for generations. See, if you look closely enough, there’s nearly almost always a toxic “legacy” in some families; one or both parents is toxic, and they pass this down to their kids, who pass it down to theirs, and so on. If you came from a toxic family, you can probably recognize that at least one of your grandparents and other relatives may have toxic traits, and if not, they may have at the very least suffered from some kind of abuse or neglect in childhood. (Note: That’s about 80 percent of the time. Sometimes, narcissists can be created by parents who have no boundaries and who overly indulge their child materially and never discipline them.)
And here’s another important point to remember.
How a Narcissistic Parent Can Cause You to Get Stuck with a Narcissistic Spouse
We’re going to return to Jane’s story for a moment.
While a lot of us discover our partner is a narcissist before we realize our parent is, Jane’s discovery went the other way: she first recognized her mother, and then recognized her partner. As she went no contact with her mother, she felt like her partner was her only “real” support in the world – what would happen to her if she was just completely alone? How could she leave him now? She’d have no one. What if she found herself in trouble and had no one to help her get out of it?
This kept her in the relationship and in fact, she remains in it today. She has every reason in the world to stay: her kids need both parents, she can’t afford the right kind of neighborhood without the narcissist’s income. She thinks maybe he will change, or that he will just leave her so she can stay in the house with the kids. She rationalizes the abuse and says “well, at least he doesn’t hit me!”
She even tells herself that because she’s so intuitive and aware, she can somehow live with this person and be happy at the same time.
Question of the Day: Do you relate to Jane’s story at all? Was one of your parents a narcissist, and did you end up marrying one? Did you ever deal with a surrogate situation? Share your thoughts, share your ideas, share your experiences in the comments section on YouTube, and let’s talk about it.
Narcissistic abuse recovery survivors come together to share stories of hope, inspire victims to get free in a new anthology
More than 20 survivors tell their shocking true stories and how they finally managed to get free of toxic relationships, plus offer advice on how to do it yourself.
St. Lous, MO – BlissFire Media, LLC announces the publication of a new anthology, compiled and co-authored by certified life coach, narcissistic abuse recovery expert and popular YouTuber Angie Atkinson.
For more than a year, Atkinson has been collecting stories from the members of her online support group for narcissistic abuse recovery, nicknamed “the SPANily.” The group’s official name is SPAN: Support for People Affected by Narcissism in toxic relationships.
“My hope is that by sharing the voices of survivors of narcissistic abuse, you can be inspired to become the healthy, evolving thriver you were meant to be – and maybe, one who will change the course of history by ending the cycle of abuse in your own family moving forward,” Atkinson says. “One person truly can create a difference in the world, but by bringing these amazing voices together in this anthology, my fellow survivors and I hope to spark widespread, meaningful change that spans generations.”
“This book is for every single person, man or woman, who has ever experienced the invalidation, humiliation and soul-sucking proverbial ‘death by a thousand cuts’ that comes with being involved with a toxic narcissist,” she adds.
To those who have survived such abuse, Atkinson adds, “Do not stop at survival my friend – keep going until you’re thriving, evolving and living the very best life you can. Know that you deserve it. Know that you can have it. Know that you’re not alone. I hope these stories will help you see that it really isn’t you, as you may have been led to believe. You’re not crazy.”
The book, entitled The Evolution of Echo: Raising Our Voices: Stories of Surviving Narcissistic Abuse, features the shocking and inspiring stories of 20 survivors of abuse, plus advice, tips and encouragement for anyone who has experienced a toxic relationship. Authors include Angie Atkinson, Jillian Tindall, Esq., Colleen Brosnan, Lise Colucci, James LaCroix, Andy Maycen, Diane Hawkes, Palma Mingozzi, Rebecca McGranahan, Shermonicia Slaughter, Angelena Lewis, Blair Botelho, Jennifer Primo, Phyllis Gilbert, Lara Shaw, Gable Young, Dita, Nelly Juma, and Dr. Marni H Foderaro. The cover art is an original design by artist and survivor Maria Kauffman, and the anthology coordinator is Melina A. Moutria.