The No-Contact Chronicles: Everything You Need to Know About Going NC With a Toxic Narcissist
Basics of No Contact:
1. Stop taking the narcissist's phone calls.
2. Block him/her on all social media networks.
3. Do not schedule or encourage visits with the narcissist.
4. Stop seeing, speaking to or in any way interacting with him/her.
It's not rocket science, right? Then why is it so difficult to enact and then to stick to the no contact rule?
On NO CONTACT AND BEING ADDICTED TO THE NARC: There's an evolutionary spin here - the loss of a potCntial baby-making mate would be bad for us as a species. On top of that, humans are hard-wired to develop bonds to other humans - another survival urge.
Add together your need to bond and the need to keep your mate (or to feel great distress in the loss of him/her), and what do you have?
It affects you like a drug, your relationship with this toxic person. And when you're not getting the sweet poison, you might just miss it. A lot like a crack addict might miss his fix.
This compilation contains 8 videos that focus on the No Contact practice.
This book came together after years of practicing no contact with toxic people in my own life, and coaching my clients to escape and remain free of toxic relationships with abusive narcissists in their own lives.
In addition to a comprehensive guide to implementing and maintaining the practice of no-contact with a narcissist, the book offers personal stories and advice from three other survivors, including one who chose to remain anonymous who tells her story of being abused in a toxic lesbian relationship with a narcissist.
Also featured are Jillian Tindall, Esq. and Carlita Vega, two other narcissistic abuse survivors who have both taken back their lives, partially with the help of the advice they found in my videos on narcissistic abuse recovery.
I want to share a little bit about my fellow authors with you for a couple of reasons - first, because they are fellow survivors as well as amazing, accomplished women. And second, because they deserve recognition for their contribution to this book - they provided thoughtful, inspiring and raw stories that readers will identify with on a profound level.
Suboru is the name selected for the pen name of our anonymous contributor, who is a fellow narcissistic abuse survivor. While she has chosen the cloak of anonymitiy for her own safety, Suboru is passionate about helping narcissistic abuse survivors to overcome abuse and create the lives they want. She's also an advocate for abuse awareness in LGBTQ relationships.
Jillian Tindall, Esq.
Jillian M. Tindall, has been practicing law for over 17 years, and has an extensive background litigating a wide range domestic relations matters in Las Vegas, Nevada, including, but not limited to, divorce, annulment, child custody and visitation, child support collections and defense, modification of child support, property valuation and distribution, debt division, alimony, domestic violence proceedings and protective orders, termination of parental rights, annulments, name changes, adoptions, legal separations, and the international recovery of children through Hague Convention proceedings.
Ms. Tindall has practiced in Federal and State Courts, including Municipal and Justice Courts, and has experience with the Nevada Supreme Court.
She has written and lectured on domestic relations issues for multiple continuing legal education providers, and has received recognition for her contributions for pro bono representation in Clark County, Nevada.
Ms. Tindall is experienced with high conflict litigation, as well as mediation and alternative dispute resolution options, whether your case is highly contested or simple and uncontested.
Ms. Tindall's earlier background experiences involve thousands of hours of work in crisis advocacy for victims of domestic violence, and she received a combined B.A. degree in Psychology and Sociology from the University of Oregon, in 1996, where she graduated Summa Cum Laude with honors in Psychology for her Autism research with Oregon Health Sciences University, and her thesis on Autism, studying behavioral differences among gender groups.
Ms. Tindall also received a certificate in Substance Abuse Prevention. In 1998, Ms. Tindall received her Juris Doctor from the University of Oregon, and she is licensed in Nevada and Kansas. Prior to attending the University of Oregon, Ms. Tindall pursued studies in early childhood education.
Carlita is a hard-working and loving mother of four children ages 23, 16, 11 & 7. She was born in Cleveland, Ohio and graduated from the Cleveland School of the Arts.
She relocated to Georgia in 2002 and currently resides in Fayetteville. She is a survivor of child molestation, rape and most recently, narcissistic abuse.
She has managed to retain her mental and spiritual stability in spite of life’s difficulties.
Ms. Vega is a passionate entrepreneur, and also wants to help women that have been and are being subjected to this type of abuse.
She is presently improving her mental and spiritual health with research, meditation and prayer.
A Little More About the Book
Navigating No-Contact with a Narcissist is a practical and inspiring guidebook that will help you to let go of the feelings you still have for the narcissist and to stop feeling like you want and need to engage with him or her. Inside the guide, you'll learn how to reclaim your sense of self, take back your life and as you move forward, to safely move on to a better relationship. You'll learn what "no contact" really means in terms of narcissistic abuse recovery, where the term came from and how to implement it in your own life. Plus:
How to break an unhealthy relationship cycle
Dealing with smear campaigns and rude narcissists
How to deal with co-parenting with a narcissist
How to help your kids through the separation and divorce
How to find yourself again after recovery
Why no contact works so well and why it's hard to execute
The steps you need to take to make it happen
The book will also take you through the stages of recovery and show you what to expect in each one, as well as offering exercises and activities for each stage. Written by certified life coach, author and YouTuber Angela Atkinson, aka Angie Atkinson, this book is both comprehensive and written in a way that is easy to read. This book is for you if:
You've done your research and you already know or are pretty sure that you're dealing with a narcissist.
You've been abandoned, or you've left your narcissist.
You're still in the relationship, but you know you want to leave the narcissist, and you need some help.
You've gone or recently decided to go "no-contact" with a narcissist.
You want to go no-contact, but you're not sure how.
You're already no-contact, but you are tempted to go back to the narcissist.
The narcissist is trying to hoover you and you need help resisting.
You replay your favorite song over and over to relive the good times – and you cry tears of misery as you do. Just as often, you find yourself remembering the abuse, almost as if it’s against your will – and you relive it over and over again. Heck, you may even fantasize about how to win back that person's love.
Affirm your worth. Splitting up can leave you feeling guilty or rejected. Instead of thinking that you’ve failed, focus on what you’ve learned. Remember that you deserve happiness and fulfillment.
Take responsibility. At the same time, acknowledge the role that you played in any conflicts. By examining your actions, you discover what you can do differently next time. That’s a lot more powerful than being a victim.
Face reality. Chances are you’d still be together if you were really soul mates. When you stop idealizing your old flame, you’re more likely to notice other interesting singles.
Talk it over. Connect with family and friends who want to support you at this difficult time. They may have similar experiences and fresh insights.
Identify triggers. Everyday sights and sounds may bring back disturbing memories. Take your ex’s photos off your phone.
Set goals. Empower yourself by taking on an ambitious project. Use your extra free time to reflect on your purpose and priorities. Maybe you want to devote more energy to your career or community activities.
Care for your health. Does a broken heart make you lose your appetite or drive you to seek comfort in a pint of Rocky Road? Protect your emotional well-being by staying physically fit.
Redecorate your surroundings. If your apartment reminds you too much of your ex, restyle your space. If you can’t afford to replace the furniture, there are plenty of low budget solutions, like a fresh coat of paint or building a headboard out of an old door.
Expand your interests. You may have been neglecting your hobbies if your last partner didn’t share your passion for opera or volley ball. Resume the activities you love, and discover some new outlets.
Schedule a makeover. It’s easier to reinvent yourself when you’re comfortable with the way you look. Browse magazines for ideas or start small if you’re still figuring out what works for you. If a tattoo seems too radical, shape your eyebrows or get a pedicure.
Travel the globe. Pick a destination you’re excited about seeing. Look forward to interacting with others who see you as an individual instead of half a former couple. Enjoy feeling capable on your own as you figure out foreign currencies and sample the local cuisine.
Stay busy. There’s a difference between accepting your grief and wallowing in it. The more you do, the less time you’ll have to stare at the phone.
YOU CAN bounce back after a toxic relationship, my friend. Soothe your hurt feelings and shift your attention to the future. By using your old relationship as an opportunity to work on yourself, you’ll be preparing for a new and more lasting love. You GOT THIS! <3 Stay strong!
Discover. Understand. Overcome. It's how smart people change their lives! Subscribe to my channel: vid.io/xoJJ
Introducing QueenBeeing‘s online learning center, our very own “Universibee,” if you will. I’m so happy to see you here, and I can’t wait to help you make your life better!
Sign up at http://universibee.com! Take Your Narcissistic Abuse Recovery to a New Level WIth Survivor & Thriver Universibee!
New Course at the Universibee!
I'm excited to announce that a brand new course has been added to your Universibee Home Base! This one is called Self-Image Makeover, and it's quite comprehensive. Valued at $199.99, this course is totally free for members of the Universibee's Lifetime Membership, Evolution Revolution and Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program.
Inside, you'll find the following modules:
• 9 Ways to Overcome Negative Thoughts and Think Positively
• Self-Talk Tips Report
• Printable Motivation
• Perception Management
• Conquer Self-Critical Thinking
• Give Yourself an Emotional Facelift
• How Self-Image Can Affect Your Life and Dreams of Success
• Self-Image 101
• How Self-Image Determines Your Success
• How Low Self-Esteem Develops
• Identifying the Positive in Yourself
• Mind-Power to Change Your LIfe
• Mind-Power to Change Your Life
• Law of Attraction Visualization Techniques
• Take Back Your LIfe
• Improve Your Self-Image and Control Your Life
• Turn Past Failures into Future Triumphs
Beating overwhelm is a necessary part of getting things done. While overwhelm can have a variety of causes, for narcissistic abuse survivors, it can feel like you’re absolutely paralyzed. In most cases, the task that needs to be completed isn’t enjoyable. Or you lack inspiration. Mowing the grass when it’s 90 degrees outside is a good example of both.
Dealing with laziness is an important self-management skill. Getting things done when you don’t feel like doing them is practically a superpower. You’re unstoppable.
Beat laziness and accomplish more each day with the 15 tips I’m sharing in today’s video.
Take frequent, short breaks. Tell yourself that you’ll work for 25 minutes and then take a quick break. Focus with all your might for those 25 minutes, and then relax for five.
Be tough with yourself. Getting started requires the most willpower. Once you’ve gotten started, it’s easy to keep going. Grind your way through the first few minutes and then use the momentum to your advantage.
Stand up straight. Slouching and laziness go together. Stand up tall and straight. You’ll feel better and more motivated.
Monitor your inner dialog. Say positive things about the task at hand. Negative talk will stall your progress.
Stop thinking about it. When you think about doing an undesirable task, you feel uncomfortable. That’s the reason you won’t do it. So, don’t think about it. Keep your mind on something else and get started.
Keep it short and intense. Change your physiology, and your thoughts will change, too.
Use a timer. See how long it takes you to complete the task. Make a game out of it. Another option is to set a timer for five minutes and see if you can perform the task for those five minutes without having even one negative thought. Timers are great for increasing focus.
Get rid of the distractions. Get away from the TV and lock your cell phone in your desk.
Keep your mind on a single task. Ironically, when you have a lot to do, it can be hard to do anything at all. Keep your mind on one task and forget about the rest. When this task is complete, the others will still be there.
Think about how great you’ll feel when you’re done. Thinking about how dreadful the task will be is the best way to ensure that you won’t do it anytime soon.
Be proud of getting your tasks completed. Most of us hate performing a task, and then feel neutral about getting it done. Get excited about completing these annoying tasks. Give yourself a pat on the back when they’re completed.
Start with something easy. When faced with several things you don’t want to do, start with the quickest and easiest. The sense of accomplishment will keep you going.
Make a to-do list.Cross the items off as they’re completed and enjoy the progress you’re making. There’s something satisfying about marking items off a list.
Consider the benefits of the task. Will you get to keep your job? Get a date? Have a freshly manicured lawn? Consider the benefits of the activity. Focus on these benefits and get started before your attention drifts.
Plan a reward at the end of the day. If you get everything completed, do something enjoyable. Meet a friend for dinner or rent a movie.
Laziness is a common dilemma. It occurs when the motivation to do a task is insufficient. There are several causes for this, but the cause isn’t important. Choose a few workable strategies to get you going and put them into action. You’ll be pleasantly surprised at your results.
Many scholars consider pathological narcissism to be a form of depressive illness, according to "Psychology Today". The life of the typical narcissist is, indeed, punctuated with recurrent bouts of dysphoria (ubiquitous sadness and hopelessness), anhedonia (loss of the ability to feel pleasure), and clinical forms of depression (cyclothymic, dysthymic, or other). This picture is further obfuscated by the frequent presence of mood disorders, such as Bipolar I (co-morbidity).
While the distinction between reactive (exogenous) and endogenous depression is obsolete, it is still useful in the context of narcissism. Narcissists react with depression not only to life crises but to fluctuations in Narcissistic Supply.
The narcissist's personality is disorganized and precariously balanced. He regulates his sense of self-worth by consuming Narcissistic Supply from others. Any threat to the uninterrupted flow of said supply compromises his psychological integrity and his ability to function. It is perceived by the narcissist as life threatening.
I. Loss Induced Dysphoria
This is the narcissist's depressive reaction to the loss of one or more Sources of Narcissistic Supply or to the disintegration of a Pathological Narcissistic Space (PN Space, his stalking or hunting grounds, the social unit whose members lavish him with attention).
II. Deficiency Induced Dysphoria
Deep and acute depression which follows the aforementioned losses of Supply Sources or a PN Space. Having mourned these losses, the narcissist now grieves their inevitable outcome the absence or deficiency of Narcissistic Supply. Paradoxically, this dysphoria energizes the narcissist and moves him to find new Sources of Supply to replenish his dilapidated stock (thus initiating a Narcissistic Cycle).
III. Self-Worth Dysregulation Dysphoria
The narcissist reacts with depression to criticism or disagreement, especially from a trusted and long-term Source of Narcissistic Supply. He fears the imminent loss of the source and the damage to his own, fragile, mental balance. The narcissist also resents his vulnerability and his extreme dependence on feedback from others. This type of depressive reaction is, therefore, a mutation of self-directed aggression.
IV. Grandiosity Gap Dysphoria
The narcissist's firmly, though counterfactually, perceives himself as omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, brilliant, accomplished, irresistible, immune, and invincible. Any data to the contrary is usually filtered, altered, or discarded altogether. Still, sometimes reality intrudes and creates a Grandiosity Gap. The narcissist is forced to face his mortality, limitations, ignorance, and relative inferiority. He sulks and sinks into an incapacitating but short-lived dysphoria.
V. Self-Punishing Dysphoria
Deep inside, the narcissist hates himself and doubts his own worth. He deplores his desperate addiction to Narcissistic Supply. He judges his actions and intentions harshly and sadistically. He may be unaware of these dynamics but they are at the heart of the narcissistic disorder and the reason the narcissist had to resort to narcissism as a defense mechanism in the first place.
This inexhaustible well of ill will, self-chastisement, self-doubt, and self-directed aggression yields numerous self-defeating and self-destructive behaviors from reckless driving and substance abuse to suicidal idealization and constant depression.
It is the narcissist's ability to confabulate that saves him from himself. His grandiose fantasies remove him from reality and prevent recurrent narcissistic injuries. Many narcissists end up delusional, schizoid, or paranoid. To avoid agonizing and gnawing depression, they give up on life itself.