Narcissists are known for their manipulative ways, and one way they really get you under control is by grooming you to desensitize you to their abuse. They do this by TELLING you who you are and what you think - and with underhanded "compliments" that are really more like directions or orders.
In this video, I'll fill you in on how they desensitize you during grooming and how they sort of brainwash you into behaving how they want you to during the relationship.
This is why they always expect you to put their needs first - and why eventually , you actually DO it.
What's interesting is the various roles we play when we are a source of narcissistic supply. If we're part of the narcissistic harem, the roles might include such roles as:
The Tool - This special member of the harem has an important role. She's there to not only "get" the narcissist in her own clutches, but also to cause drama for the rest of the members. She lives on a pedestal built by the narcissist and they often claim they "just haven't met the right person yet." The narc considers this person a challenge because she, like he, is unlikely to commit, so she seems hard to get.
Flying Monkeys - In the case of the narcissistic harem, the flying monkeys often mean well, but they end up evangelizing the narc's message without even realizing it. Flying monkeys are often just other causalities of the narc's manipulation tactics, but they're always falling for it.
The Old Standby - This can be an ex or a person who is just generally "there" for the narc when he needs attention. Generally ends up causing drama, especially when the Tool finds out about her.
The Wife/GF/Husband/Spouse - Depending on the narc, there's almost always a partner - a "main" person in the harem. While the partner isn't always a legal spouse or even the one who gets the most attention in the narcissist's harem, she's the one they're all hiding the secrets from - and maybe the worst role you can be stuck with.
Between the gaslighting, love bombing and flying monkeys, you end up forgetting your own identity as you desperately try to become the version of yourself that would make the narcissist happy.
Gaslighting, love bombing and flying monkeys - how a narcissist keeps you in control.
But even if you manage to completely change yourself and morph into the narcissist's idea of the imagined perfect person, it never matters.
Painful Truth: You Will Never Be Enough for a Narcissist
Here's a harsh reality that we all have to understand. When it comes to the narcissist and his perception of you, you can never be enough. Even if you completely focus your energy on a narcissist, he or she will always look for somewhere else, something else to increase their own "supply" of attention. No matter how amazing you are - it will never be enough for a narcissist.
Don't let yourself be confused here - it's DEFINITELY not YOU! It's totally the way the narcissist's convoluted mind works, and you can't take personal responsibility for the broken person you're dealing with - you just have to find your way to self-confidence and peace OUTSIDE of the narcissist.
The fact is that since the narcissist is so personally "broken" on the inside, nobody on earth can ever fill the endless hole of "need" he carries around - at least not for long.
There are so many manipulation tactics that most narcissists have in common that most of their victims say reading about the abuse suffered by others can feel like reading their own stories. Their tactics are underhanded and sneaky - often undetectable. And yet, they're so definable that even a child can learn to recognize them.
Just a quick note: If you're currently divorcing or planning to divorce your narcissistic spouse, you might be getting ready to become a single parent. If this describes you, then I've got a new free course for you over at the Life Makeover Academy.
Here are 10 Ways I Can Help You Survive and Thrive During and After Narcissistic Abuse
1. YouTube Videos - I know there are plenty of certified life coaches and authors out there who talk about narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic abuse recovery. But I also know that everyone needs to receive the message in a way they can connect, and when you find someone you can understand and relate to, it can change your life. Maybe I'm someone you can connect with - and if so, maybe I can help you get to the next level in your healing. This is why I talk about narcissistic abuse recovery so often.
2. Articles - Since I've been writing and researching on this topic since around 2006, I've put together hundreds of articles, resources and videos that can help you to find yourself again and to learn how to reset your life to begin creating the reality you really deserve. You can see most of them at QueenBeeing.com.
3. Free Support Group - SPAN - Join my free, confidential online support group for narcissistic abuse survivors - we have 16 actively engaged moderators who are also survivors themselves, plus the QueenBeeing team to make sure you stay safe and get plenty of support.
4. One-on-One Coaching - I do phone, Skype and text message coaching. I believe every person on the planet is capable of creating the lives they truly deserve, but that most of us aren't taught this as we grow up. My mission is to help you to discover, understand and overcome the narcissistic abuse in your life, and to help you take your life from "just existing" to "really living." I spend my days working to help people who have experienced the emotional and mental devastation that comes with narcissistic abuse in these incredibly toxic relationships to (re)discover their true selves, stop the gaslighting and manipulation and move forward into their genuine desires - into a life that is exactly what they choose for themselves. In short, I want to help you go from being a victim of narcissistic abuse to a survivor and a thriver. Sign up at narcissisticabuserecovery.online.
5. Books, eBooks - I've written a LOT of books. About 20 of them can be found on Amazon.com. You can get to my profile there by typing "BooksAngieWrote.com" into your browser. All of my ebooks are priced from 1.99 to less than $8.
6. QueenBeeing Freebies & Email- subscribe to my free email newsletter, packed with information and inspiration to help you get through this difficult time in your life and figure out who you really are. You'll also get access to all of QueenBeeing's member freebies and gifts.
8. Life Makeover Academy - The Life Makeover Academy is focused on improving every aspect of your life. Take some time and look around! Try out some of our free courses, and get involved in our community. If you're tired of the life you're living and you're ready to create serious personal change, you have found your new online home. There are both free and paid courses available at Life Makeover Academy. Get there by going to LifeMakeover.org and hitting the "go to the academy" button at the top.
9. Group Coaching During Live Streams- Monday through Friday mornings and twice on "Talk to Me Tuesday." You can subscribe to my YouTube channel and hit the bell notification to be notified when I'm going live - and for backup, you can text ANGIELIVE (without spaces) to 33222. I'll text you five minutes before I go live each day.
10. Google Play & iTunes App - Audiojoy has produced an app with my content on both Google Play and iTunes. You can grab it free by searching my name - Angie Atkinson - in either store.
I've also thought of starting a weekly small group coaching program that would give people more individual attention but still cost less than more traditional one-on-one coaching. What are your thoughts on that? If you like or would be interested in this idea, let me know in the comments below.