This is a free, downloadable guide and checklist for leaving a narcissist in an abusive, toxic relationship and finding your way to freedom. There are no strings attached. Visit QueenBeeing.com/PLAN for your free downloads.
Do you think your narcissist is living a double life? Are you worried they are hiding things from you, cheating or just lying to you?In this video, I'll explore the narcissist's double life and what that means.
I'll explain the psychology of why the narcissist feels a need to have this so-called double life, and I'll dig into what to watch for if you're worried your own narcissist might be living a double life.
Plus, I'll share a list of tell-tale signs your narcissist is living a double life.
Narcissistic personality disorder or NPD is a scary thing to live with - and that's an understatement for the victims of people who have NPD. Stop the gaslighting! Visit QueenBeeing.com/PERK to pick up your free Post-gaslighting Emergency Recovery Kit.
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In narcissistic abuse, you often don't feel allowed to make your own decisions - but it's time to take back your CHOICES! When you own your decisions you own yourself! You live by your values and stop wavering back and forth over matters big and small, whether it's buying a house or ordering breakfast. You take control of your future instead of turning the responsibility over to someone else.
Effective decision-making is a skill that you can polish even if you've had trouble making up your mind in the past.
If you want to say goodbye to feeling stymied, try these tips.
Mastering the Decision-Making Process
1. Remember your purpose. Think about the essence of who you are and what you want to achieve. Align your choices with your values.
2. Gather information. Having an accurate and up-to-date picture of your situation will help you to know what to do. However, research can drag on so long that it becomes a form of procrastination, so put a time limit on it.
3. Clarify options. Take into account each of your possible choices. You usually have several reasonable alternatives.
4. Weigh different factors. Some items are bound to be more important to you than others. For example, you might compare two job offers by writing down all the criteria, and assigning numbers to them so you can see the one with the highest score based on salary, commute time, and other considerations.
5. Make a commitment. Select your favored option and let it sink in. Once you have a clear winner, let go of the temptation to keep rehashing other scenarios.
6. Move forward. Put your decision into action. Do what you can to make it work.
7. Evaluate your progress. Remember that most decisions are at least somewhat reversible. Analyzing the outcomes will help you enjoy your victory or make some modifications.
Overcoming Obstacles to Decision-Making
1. Slow down. Avoid acting on impulse or creating unnecessary pressure on yourself to pick an option when you still feel unsure. You may see things more clearly when you sleep on a decision or talk it over with someone you trust.
2. Listen to your feelings. Your emotions often tell you what you really value. Pay attention if an otherwise reasonable choice causes anxiety for you or a less conventional route makes you smile.
3. Face your fears. Risks are a natural part of life. Acknowledging your fears allows you to sort through them.
4. Limit the choices. It's possible to have too many options and wind up overwhelmed. Narrow the field down before making a final decision.
5. Distance yourself. Imagine what advice you'd give to someone else in the same circumstances. It's often a quick way to persuade yourself to think more objectively.
6. Accept trade-offs. What if several options offer different advantages, At some point, you may have to let something go to gain the things you want more.
7. Achieve consensus. Some decisions affect more than one individual and need to be shared. For example, when you're planning a family, you and your spouse will need to find an arrangement that satisfies both of you.
8. Look inward. Confirm that you're making decisions for yourself instead of following the crowd or trying to please someone else. Your happiness depends on listening to your heart. Your definition of fulfillment and success is what counts.
Indecisiveness can lead to frustration, wasted time, and lost opportunities. Free yourself from excessive doubts and second-guesses. Choose your course and move forward even when the stakes are high. Either the results will turn out in your favor, or you can learn from the experience and make the necessary adjustments.
When you're in an abusive relationship, it can be difficult to see the way out. But, you don't have to be trapped in a relationship with an abusive partner.
Discover how to separate yourself from them in a safe way by using these strategies:
1. Understand why you stay. You can't gain the courage to leave until you understand why you're staying. Are these reasons preventing you from leaving,
- Maybe you're staying out of fear.
- You may feel stuck in the relationship because it's the only thing you have right now. Despite the issues, it's a familiar place. You may even feel secure in the familiarity.
- You might even stay because you feel that you deserve to be punished. You're worried that you won't be able to find someone else who is better. And, because of the abuse, you may feel responsible for the situation.
- In addition, perhaps you believe that you can fix the issues. You may think that if you love your partner enough, then they will stop being abusive.
2. Strengthen your self-esteem. Low self-esteem is at the root of many abusive relationships. Increasing your confidence and self-esteem will help you gain the courage to leave the abuser. You can start by acknowledging that your self-esteem needs work.
- Look for causes for your low self-esteem. Were your parents perfectionists who expected too much from you? Did you feel inadequate growing up or at work? Once you have the answers, you can work to resolve your feelings about your past. You can put the past in the past and ensure that these negative feelings don't affect who you are today.
- To raise your self-esteem, do a nice thing for yourself each day. Pay attention to what others say about you that is positive. Journal about it or take notes, so you always have a reminder of your positive aspects.
3. Get outside help. It may benefit you to get help from friends, family, or others. You may need to turn to therapy or a doctor. In some cases, outside help is needed to leave an abusive relationship.
- Your friends, family, coworkers, or others may be able to assist you so you won't be alone and can develop the courage to leave. There may also be community resources, nonprofits, and organizations that can help.
4. Figure out your finances. Are you scared to leave your partner because you depend on them financially? Maybe you're dealing with financial abuse, too? If you know that you're financially secure, then it's easier to leave.
- When you have a job, set money aside that your abuser can't access. You can also ask friends or family to contribute to your savings.
- When you don't have a job, you have to be more creative. You may be able to save money from the stipends you receive. You may be able to sell some items.
- Even if you're not certain about your finances, you can make plans for the future. Prepare for a job that can support you after this relationship ends.
You don't have to stay with an abusive partner out of fear. Relationships can be difficult to end, but it's not impossible. Figure out a way to escape and leave them, even if you need someone to help you do it. There are resources and people who can help you get out of your abusive situation and get started in a healthier life.
What is future faking, exactly, and how does a narcissist use it against you? Have you ever dealt with a future faking narcissist? What is future faking and how can you avoid falling for it in the future?
If you think back to the beginning of your relationship with your narcissist, do you recall all the big promises (actual or implied) that were made to you - and how many of them didn't seem to pan out the way the narcissist promised?
That's what we're discussing today - future faking and how narcissists use it against their victims. We will define future faking and offer various examples of it, plus explain the psychology behind it.
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Have you ever noticed how, when you start to succeed at, feel happy about or get excited about...well, almost anything, the narcissist starts to hate you for it? And if other people notice your success and comment on it, the narcissist becomes enraged, offended - generally slighted. They minimize you, they tear you down - they focus on what you're NOT doing in order to achieve that success.
So, you've got a big project going, or you've started a business. Or you are the PTA president, or your company just gave you a big promotion. You're excited! You're taking action, you're making things happen. Maybe you're getting a lot of positive attention for it, right?
But then, the narcissist notices that you're not giving him or her the same amount of attention you used to. Or that YOU are getting way more attention than you used to from other people. People are taking notice of the big thing you're doing, and they're saying nice things to you, and about you.
The narcissist feels threatened by your success and by the fact that you're getting attention, no matter how small.
Whether you're making money or not, the narcissist finds ways to say that your little project is causing problems in your relationship. You didn't cook dinner last week, or you did not do all the stuff he or she requires of you because you're too focused on it.
The narcissist starts arguments and attacks you and you become paralyzed - failing to take action. If you aren't making money, the narcissist talks about how stupid you are for letting yourself be taken advantage of. If you are, the narcissist says you only care about the money, or they minimize the amount of money you are making - teasing you and trying to mentally beat you down.
And too often, the game works. The narcissist verbally and psychologically abuses you back into submission, and you retreat into your head. You stop talking about your project or your job or your business or your PTA work - and if the narcissist has anything to say about it, you'll eventually quit doing that thing you love and spend your life focusing on him or her instead.
Why do narcissists need you to fail? Why do they hate it so much when you succeed?
Reason #1: They are jealous of your success. It doesn't matter if they are equally or more successful than you - they feel almost offended by the fact that whatever you're doing is getting attention from other people. Naturally, people will be excited for you sometimes - and you'll get hate from some people. That's life.
But when your own spouse, parent, friend or coworker can't be happy for you, it's difficult to deal with, right?
The narcissist is resentful of your success because they think you don't deserve it, or that they do deserve it and that it should be them. Or both. They feel more entitled to success than you, and they conveniently ignore the fact that you've worked your ass off to get there. All they know is that you got something they didn't - and they certainly do not like it.
Reason #2: They feel threatened by your success - or they think you're trying to make them look bad. Or that you've encroached on their ever so specific comfort zone. Narcissists only like change when it's about them getting more attention and more of what they want. They don't want you to break out of that little box they've created for you, and they've got no problem with trying to push you back into it. You might be making them feel uncomfortable with your success because they feel like you're somehow doing it to spite them or to challenge them. They're so focused on being the center of their universe, and if you have the nerve to have a life outside of them, they are insulted: you're no longer making them #1 in YOUR life.
Reason #3: They see you as an extension of themselves; therefore, you don't deserve the success you've achieved. After all, you have built your success on lies, according to the narcissist. All they know is that, in their eyes, you're not even a real person, and that means that you must be pulling the wool over everyone's eyes. You are faking it, they say, and pretty soon, people are going to find out. In their minds, there is a certain vision of success - and a certain type of person who deserves it. And despite your obvious achievements, the narcissist does not believe that you're worthy. You don't match their very narrow profile of what success is supposed to be - how dare you succeed at anything at all? If you ask me, this is all about projection. The narcissist projects his or her own insecurities on to you and is offended when you don't manifest them.
Reason #4: They have an opinion of you and it doesn't fit the image of the "you" that you have become due to your success. This makes them feel like you've wronged them somehow, like you've gone outside of the little box they built for you in their heads. They feel betrayed, like you've done this TO them. They have decided long ago that you are inferior to them. And any other idea is absolutely not acceptable.
Reason #5: They feel like you're stealing the spotlight - and that's where THEY are supposed to be. Since you are clearly inferior to the narcissist, according to him or her, you are wrong to attain the spotlight. The narcissist always needs to feel superior to you. He or she needs to control you - and you need to remain inside their little box for you. If you get compliments on your work, or your looks, or your kids, or your house - they'll figure out a way to either take credit for those things, or they'll straight up attack you. They may say that you're dressing too slutty or being too flirty if someone compliments you on your looks - or they may rage against you for "trying to get attention" from "everyone."
The narcissist will do anything possible to regain your attention, including STOPPING giving you theirs. They may also pull away emotionally or feel personally attacked if you have been successful. They will deny that they have a problem with you, and they will absolutely trivialize your efforts, your opinions - your thoughts and actions are considered "less than" or "fake," somehow.
They will actively attempt to sabotage your success by putting you down, emotionally and psychologically abusing you and even directly attacking you so that you're so focused on their drama that you almost feel like you cannot succeed.
You have to remember that the narcissist, no matter how secure he or she seems, is the most insecure person you probably know. It's all a front - in reality, they are pathologically envious, rage-filled and emotionally abusive. They cannot stand to see you happy and successful, because any amount of success you achieve feels like a huge betrayal to them - and because they secretly wish it were them. But since they can't see it or admit it to themselves, they simply focus on how they can take you down a notch or two.
So how do you deal? You do it anyway.
You consider the source - and you remember that when someone insults you, it's really a reflection of them, not you. You remember that you are worthy of your success and you shut them down by not reacting to their bad behaviors. You succeed despite their attempts to make you fail and you keep going. You don't give in and you don't give up.
You become a force of nature, and you eventually learn to use their abusive tendencies to drive you to become even more successful - and you don't allow them to hurt you. Each time they try to take you down a notch, you use the feelings that come with it to push you to the next level. You don't keep playing the game - you get off the crazy-ass merry-go-round that is a toxic relationship, and you fly like you've never flown before.
You win, and you don't look back.
And now it's time for the question of the day: can you relate to having a narcissist stop you or try to stop you from success in some area? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below and let's discuss it.