22 Things Narcissists Say and What They Really Mean

22 Things Narcissists Say and What They Really Mean


Today, we’re talking about narcissistic injury and translating the Injured Narcissist with 22 things narcissists say (and what they really mean!)

NPD and anger management SHOULD go hand in hand, but rarely do they. When narcissistic rage comes out, very often, narcissistic injury is quick to follow. Whether you’re going through a divorce with a narcissist or trying to go no contact with a toxic family member, this video will help you understand better what they’re REALLY saying.

22 Things the Injured Narcissist Says And What They Really Mean

  1. “You’re crazy. It’s all in your head. You need to see a psychologist.”
    Translation: I need you to doubt yourself, your perception and your reality so that I can more effectively manipulate you and make you do what I want.
  2. “I never said that; you heard wrong. You misunderstood me. That never happened.”
    Translation: I will change your reality at any given moment, and you better go along with it, or you’re in big trouble.
  3. “I don’t understand. What you are saying makes absolutely no sense. I don’t know what you are talking about.”
    Translation: I am pretending that I don’t understand you so that I don’t have to respond to you in a logical fashion.
  4. “That’s not what I meant. I’m sorry that’s how you feel.”
    Translation: I’m pretending that I care or that I’m sorry by using words to invalidate you ever so subtly.”
  5. “I can’t remember what happened.”
    Translation: I am perfectly aware of what happened, but if I pretend to forget, I hope you’ll forget too.
  6. “Stop attacking me. Why are you always attacking me?”
    Translation: Stop holding me accountable for my actions. Why are you always holding me accountable for stuff I do?
  7. “I didn’t hurt you; you hurt yourself. Well, maybe you deserved it.”
    Translation: I so lack empathy for you that I literally believe that your effort to stand up for yourself (or whatever caused it) forced me to abuse you in some way. I think you deserved it because you didn’t do what I wanted you to do.
  8. “I do not like talking about my past.”
    Translation: I have carefully crafted the image I am showing you and/or the world right now, and if I talk about my past, this image will be proven false. I can’t keep up my false self if I talk about who I used to be.
  9. “That’s in the past. 15 minutes ago IS the past! Why can’t we just forget the past?”
    Translation: I don’t understand why you don’t just get over the fact that I am actively abusing you. It’s been 15 minutes since it last happened. How come you’re not all happy-go-lucky yet? Why do you always want me to be accountable for what I’ve done?
  10. “Why do you keep talking about (whatever you’re interested in)? This is boring! Don’t you have anything else to say? Like, about something interesting? Like, ME?”
    Translation: I don’t care about whatever you’re talking about and even if I did, I’m going to pretend you’re boring and stupid so that you feel invalidated. When is the conversation going to get back to being about ME?
  11. “There is something wrong with the way you think. You are delusional.”
    Translation: I do not like it when you call me out on my BS. You are too aware of this stuff – I need you to start doubting your judgment and fast!
  12. “How dare you accuse me of lying! I’ve always told you the truth. I never lie.”
    Translation: I have always told you whatever I wanted you to believe, regardless of whether or not it’s actually the truth. And if you question me on that, you’ll be in big trouble!
  13. “I can’t help it that I’m like that. I just need someone to love me for me. Take it or leave it.”
    Translation: I am aware that I’m a total douche. But I’m going to need you to overlook that obvious fact and go ahead and act like I’m the most amazing person you’ve EVER met. MMmmkay?
  14. “You never loved me.”
    Translation: I never loved you. Or I’m bored and I forgot that I once had feelings for you. But either way, I’m going to blame it all on you and act injured because I’ve suddenly discovered that I’m over this whole “me and you” thing.
  15. “If you loved me, you would understand.”
    Translation: I’m going to try and make you feel guilty for expecting me to take responsibility or tell the truth about what happened. I figure if I can use your love against you, you’ll feel too bad to actually force me to explain myself or take responsibility for what I’ve done wrong.
  16. “You are never happy.”
    Translation: Why can’t you just accept all of my abuse and like it already?
  17. “You are twisting my words. You are putting words in my mouth because I never said that.”
    Translation: I twist your words all the time, so I know that tactic. And yeah, I totally said that but I don’t want to admit it, so I’m going to deny it and feel offended and hurt. This way, you’ll end up apologizing to ME.
  18. “You are never there for me.”
    Translation: I am never there for you. But you damn well better be there for me, at my beck and call, without question or error. Or else!
  19. “Every partner I have been with has been crazy – but you are the worst.”
    Translation: I have driven every partner I’ve had to the edge of sanity, and sure, I’ve said this exact same line to every single one of y’all, but since you’re the one standing in front of me now, you’re the one I’m naturally going to accuse of being crazy. I’m obviously attempting to distract you from the actual issue here, and clearly trying to reinforce all the gaslighting I’ve done up til now. Are you doubting your own sanity yet? Well, are ya?
  20. “I can’t handle this.”
    Translation: I don’t want to deal with this right now, so I’m playing a little narcissistic injury on you. Poor, emotionally devastated me. How dare you ask me to be responsible for what I’ve done?
  21. “I am innocent. I’ve done nothing wrong. I had no idea this would hurt you.”
    Translation: I am guilty. I did what you are accusing me of doing. I totally knew it would hurt you, but I did it anyway because the truth is that I have NO empathy for you. I only want you to stop reminding me and believe the straight-up lies I’m shouting at you. I’m pretending to feel hurt to get you off my back.
  22. “I hate drama. You create a world of drama around everything.”
    Translation: Drama is my very favorite thing, and it’s a HUGE form of narcissistic supply for me. I create drama around everything, and you play into it. That makes me SO happy because then I can blame YOU for all the drama in my life. Drama is SO fun. You’re seriously one of my favorite forms of narcissistic supply. Drama!! Yes.

 

Is there any way to be happy with a narcissist?

Is there any way to be happy with a narcissist?

Can you stay with a narcissist and make it work? Is it possible? Can narcissists change? Is NPD curable? Can you fix codependency and have a healthy relationship? Is it even possible?

Also featuring commentary by Richard Grannon of Spartan Life Coach and Dana Morningstar from Thrive After Abuse.

Discover. Understand. Overcome. It’s how smart people change their lives!

Surviving Sexual and Psychological Abuse: My Story

Surviving Sexual and Psychological Abuse: My Story

Editor’s note: Trigger Warning: This powerful true story of surviving narcissistic abuse and sexual abuse may trigger negative emotions and other issues for you. Please don’t read it unless you feel strong enough to do so.

This is my story of how I survived narcissistic abuse and sexual abuse. Usually, I feel like no one can relate to my life, everything that happened is just way too “extreme.” That was until I discovered the SPANily. Now, I’m sharing my story because I want other survivors to know they aren’t alone.

I grew up in a very sheltered environment. On the outside, my family looked great, and was very respected in our small community.

It’s only now, years after I left them and moved across the country, that I was finally able to open up the huge can of worms that was my past, and face the reality of what happened to me.

My father molested and raped me regularly. My grandfather also did. I was punished if I reacted in any way to their abuse.

Once, I threw up after my father abused me with oral sex. He got so angry because maybe my mother would realize something from seeing or smelling the vomit. I’ll spare you the gory details and just say that he punished me by trying to rape me until I bled. I was 6 years old. This is just one example.

But it wasn’t uncommon: everything my father did, he always blamed on me.

Either it was a punishment, or he would somehow imply that I owed it to him to “cooperate.”

Or he would say, “I know you want this. I know who you REALLY are. But don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.”

He would slyly imply that this was the only way to “be good,” or to appreciate him. Often he would do something good for me, and then it was “expected” of me to at least listen to him, no?

Even now it is hard for me to say what it was he was doing to my mind. All I know is that he was smart and sly, and he had my entire being wrapped around his finger. He played with my feelings, my physical sensations, and private things I told him.

Everything was twisted around and used against me.

Being sad in our house was never allowed. He would make us dance and sing even when we didn’t want to. He had this unspoken rule that you are never allowed to be sad, and definitely never allowed to be angry. I lived in terror of anyone finding out my secret, and I learned to dissociate and forget it all myself, in order to survive.

After I moved away, I slowly started realizing how controlling and manipulative my father was. I could not place what it was he was doing! I started feeling awful every time I spoke to him or to my mother.

I started realizing that he was a tricky slippery person. I wished I could just break off contact, I dreamed of it because I was finally realizing how low and horrible he always made me feel.

I reached a point where I finally had the support I needed to remember the stories of abuse. As it started coming back to me, I was filled with such a strong fury. It was like a huge tsunami, powerful and uncontrollable.

It was at this point that I finally broke off all contact with my toxic family. It was hard, but that anger of realizing what he did to me gave me the strength I never could have had otherwise. I was remembering extremely graphic and horrible things, and as I did, I finally gave myself permission to trust my own inner voice and follow my heart.

I started getting rid of everything I owned that was from my former life or my former family. This clean slate enabled me to go further into my past.

Step by step.

I uncovered my mother’s role in it, then the fact that my father would bring other people to abuse me… I realized that my brain has this amazing ability to heal, even the most horrfic and deep wounds.

I saw that my mind knew how to do this, and that my heart was able to guide me as to what step to take next on my healing journey, if only I would be courageous enough to listen to it.

Finally, I was in control of my life, I was free from my family’s toxic hold on me. As I started healing I grew more confident in my own body and mind, and now I am continuing to build myself anew, one step at a time. I feel better than I ever did. I am learning what it means to live a normal healthy life and I am loving every new part of it that I uncover.

When you survive hell, and come out, you are strong and also you’re able to appreciate and enjoy life in a deep and meaningful way that I think only a survivor can enjoy. Sometimes when I do something for myself, I feel as excited as a six year old, like I am experiencing the joys I missed out on as a child.

Life is so bright on the other side and it IS POSSIBLE TO GET THERE! YES FOR YOU also! Don’t take my word for it – don’t give up and you will see for yourself.

Finding Angie’s videos, and this site was exciting for me, because I was finally able to have some sort of place to put my father. He checks off every box on the list of narcissistic characteristics. I connected to everything about what Angie calls Narcissistic Abuse Rehab.

To those of you out there who are here, like me, with the courage to face your pasts and heal, my message to you is: please take a good deep look inside of yourself. Don’t be scared to listen to that niggling deep down voice in your heart. Follow what you know is true, with courage. Don’t let anyone stop you. It is SO WORTH THE FIGHT!

Want to share your narcissistic abuse survivor story? Here’s how you do it. 

4 Positive Ways Narcissistic Abuse Survivors Can Improve Self-Worth

4 Positive Ways Narcissistic Abuse Survivors Can Improve Self-Worth

Going through the hell that is narcissistic abuse does a real number to your ability to see your own self-worth. And while “self-worth” might not seem like a very important thing in theory, it can affect literally every single aspect of your life – and this does include your physical health, not to mention your mental health and ability to succeed in life.

Here’s a difficult truth: If you’re finding yourself feeling STUCK, or suffering from a lack of motivation, or feelings of depression or stagnation in your life, it could be due to a lack of self-worth.

“Self-worth” is a phrase we see thrown around a lot, and for survivors of narcissistic abuse, it can certainly be awkward to address.

What IS self-worth, anyway?

Think of it as a step above self-respect. Having self-respect means that you understand that you are valuable as a person, while self-worth means that you feel valuable among people – that you feel that you bring something special to the table; that you are valuable.

Maybe you feel a low sense of self-worth because you may feel like you haven’t learned or accomplished as much as those around you. Or, maybe you’ve just entered a new space in which you feel less qualified than those around you, or you recently tried something that didn’t work out and it damaged your sense of self-worth. Whatever your situation is, there’s nothing wrong with the feeling that you need to earn a sense of self-worth provided that you know where to start.

Or, like many narcissistic abuse survivors, perhaps you are or were in a toxic relationship with an abusive narcissist who destroyed your self-image and your self-worth. Maybe you don’t even know who you are anymore.

So what are you supposed to do? How do you rediscover (or discover for the first time) your self-worth? How can you recognize your value as a person?

First: Change Your Perspective

Your perspective is the way you see things, and the first and most important thing you can do to improve your self worth is to change your perspective.
Interesting fact: after being emotionally and mentally abused, we tend to become people-pleasers. This leads us to attempt to improve our self-worth by trying to prove ourselves to other people.

This almost never works, at least not for long. Validation from outside ourselves is fleeting and dependent on other people. We have to learn to self-validate – this is the only way to truly own our sense of self and self-worth.

Start by looking at how far you’ve come in your journey rather than comparing yourself to other people. And remember: everyone is different, and none of us was born with all of the knowledge, experience, and skills that make us valuable. Other people aren’t better than you because they got there first.

Learn Something New or Start a Project

I always find that a good project can be just what I need to get out of a slump. Maybe the project IS learning something new, or maybe it’s a creative venture. Either way, there’s a certain sense of accomplishment in creating, and in knowing that you know something. It gives you something to focus on, something to talk about and think about – something positive instead of negative. Learning something new that you are passionate about can help you to “grow forward” in some pretty significant ways. Join a club devoted to your passion, or just try to find some time on your own to do some reading and then find people that you can share your interest with. It’s a beautiful thing, my friend.

Not sue what you’re passionate about? No worries! Grab your free passion planner, right here. 

Try Volunteering

Maybe you can use your new-found skill as a volunteer. Not only could it help to improve your opinion of yourself, but it can also be the perfect outlet for your creative energy. Plus: volunteering is great for self-worth for a couple of reasons.

  • Sense of accomplishment and purpose – By volunteering, no matter what you do, you are giving your time and energy in order to help those who are less fortunate than you. Maybe you didn’t graduate at the top of your class or that last project at work didn’t go the way that you hoped, but every volunteer should feel that they are doing meaningful work and that their efforts are appreciated.
  • Using your talents in a supportive and unique environment – Learning new skills or learning how to use your skills in new ways can both be great ways to discover or increase your potential in an environment that is likely to be more supportive and less judgmental than a school or work environment.

Take Care of Yourself

Self-care is SO important in understanding our self-worth. It might seem obvious, but taking even a few minutes a day to just take care of YOU can change your whole world – and it can most definitely build self-worth.

10 Things Narcissists Say When Gaslighting You

10 Things Narcissists Say When Gaslighting You

Things Narcissists Say To Make You Feel Crazy: Crazy-Making & Gaslighting Examples – Here are ten things narcissists say when they’re gaslighting you – and what they really mean, translated into “human English.”

Narcissists are never easy to deal with, but when you’re dealing with gaslighting, things get more complicated, don’t they?  Before we dig in, a quick definition of gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a sneaky way that narcissists manipulate us in order to gain control over us. For the record: it is a form of emotional abuse.

It causes us to question our judgment of even the tiniest things, the things we see in front of our own eyes and allows the narcissist to control us by making us dependent on their beliefs or their perception because we stopped trusting our own.

  1. “Why are you being so difficult?” means “Why are you not doing what I want you to do?”
  2. “You are abusive to me.” means “I feel that you are challenging my sense of Superiority and I want to guilt you into doing what I want so I will stop saying you’re abusive.”
  3. “How could you be mad at my rude comment? It sucks – you used to think I was funny” means “How dare you not laugh at the jokes I make at your expense? Don’t you know better? You didn’t give me the reaction I wanted and it’s your fault.”
  4. “You keep screwing up! This is outrageous! How many chances do you expect me to give you before I ghost?” means “I want you to do what I say, but you keep doing something else. I need you to feel afraid that you’ll be alone so you’ll start doing what I want.”
  5. “I really thought you would be the last guy/girl I would ever be with ” means “I’m already cheating on you, or considering it.”
  6. “Everyone thinks I’m amazing – why don’t you?” means “Can’t you just pretend you haven’t seen behind my mask?”
  7. “Look, I know what you think, but we just need to be on the same page.” means “Look, I don’t care what you think, and you need to think whatever I think instead.”
  8. “You make it impossible to talk to you” means “You just refuse to believe my lies, and I seriously hate that!”
  9. “You really think I did that? I’m shocked you think I’d do such a thing” means “How dare you see through the smoke and mirrors and see me for what and who I really am? Don’t you know I’m amazing and perfect?”
  10. “Oh my god, see, this is why we can’t talk! You’re always YELLING at me! Don’t you see that you’re the problem here?” means “I have twisted your words and thoughts until you get frustrated and yell at me. And my feelings are hurt that you expect me to take responsibility for my own behavior. This is really all your fault.”

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