You Don’t REALLY Hate Other Women! Male Narcissists Bring Out Your Inner Mean Girl

You Don’t REALLY Hate Other Women! Male Narcissists Bring Out Your Inner Mean Girl


Women Who Love Narcissistic Men: Why Male Narcissists Like It When You're Jealous

Male narcissists and people with NPD and other personality disorders are all about gaslighting, manipulation and causing jealousy in their women.

Gray Rock Tips: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

Gray Rock Tips: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

The gray rock technique is a valuable tool to help diffuse negative exchanges with a narcissist as well as limit the amount of narcissistic supply you are giving to them. Angie Atkinson explains the basic rules of gray rock in this article.

Angie explains:

“There's one simple rule when it comes to communicating effectively with a narcissist - and it's so basic that you'll be shocked when I tell you what it is. 

The rule is: do not engage the narcissist.

What do I mean by this?

It's simple: keep emotion out of it. When the narcissist tries to manipulate and provoke you, which he or she inevitably will, you have to maintain an air of professional-type detachment. Try to see the narcissist as almost a stranger and communicate with him /her on that level.”

Using gray rock can protect you from emotional turmoil and allow you space to see the toxic abusive exchanges for what they are. This can help reduce your own feelings of cognitive dissonance and abuse amnesia because it limits their own part in any abusive outburst the narcissist is using against them and gives perspective on what’s really going on.

If only limited information is given and done so in a flat, boring tone, you have the opportunity to observe the narcissist's behaviors and even see the manipulation tactics as they are happening (instead of reacting to them) and losing yourself in the exchange.

But remember: gray rock is a technique, not a lifestyle. It can serve a purpose in many areas of life for sensitive people and empaths because the sensitivities can tend to be used by others to draw us in and then manipulate us.

If you are with a narcissist, this tool can help to both calm the situation, give you space to feel what you actually feel instead of what you are being manipulated to feel and create a low supply situation the narcissist may bore of. To live this way long term is not the ideal, its a tool, for now, as you cope.

For some survivors, gray rock can be a struggle because the urge to react is so strong. There are ways to lighten that feeling and I hope to share some with you in this article.

One area gray rock can seem, well, grey to some people is the feelings of no closure to an argument or the feelings of being misrepresented by a narcissist and wanting to defend one's own position.

It can leave some feeling like it does not work well, or they are not doing it right because all of the inner feelings they have are not being expressed.

Validation is a basic human need.

We all want to be heard, validated and seen, that is basic human nature and health but with a narcissist, during a manipulative abusive situation where they are projecting, gaslighting, outright telling lies - well, this will not happen.

Generally, with a narcissist, unless the topic swings back to them, they are not hearing anyone else in a deep and meaningful way anyway and certainly not when they are in a rant needing to prove their own ego is what is superior or right.

So what can we do with these feelings of not being heard or validated?

How can we feel strong and maintain our voice by such a technique that at its core is truly empowering, but in practice can feel like giving in or even like you are biting your tongue?

What else can be added to this brilliant technique to help those of us that are feeling slighted and misrepresented or devalued by an abusive exchange with a narcissist?

Here are a few tips that can help you.

Hold your truth.  

One idea to try that works well is holding your own truth within yourself. Keeping hold of yourself while the narcissist continues to gaslight or project. This can be done with silently repeating to yourself exactly what you are seeing, name SILENTLY the behavior you see, then add a phrase that grounds you to your truth.

  • For example, during a situation where a narcissist is projecting their own issues onto you then using gaslighting to convince you it is true, and you stop to gray rock that, before the feelings of wanting to react even start you can look at what is happening. In your silent mind,  “ I am gray rocking this because he/she is gaslighting me. I see they are projecting because they are the one that does that thing.”
  • Then, and remember all of this is silent, to self, only your inner dialogue, never spoken directly to the narcissist, “I know my truth, I know the facts that I have lived and this is their fantasy."
  • Another simple one could be “I validate my own truth in this, the manipulation is just noise."

Keep a private journal.

Another tool to add to the gray rock toolkit is after the abusive happens and you have used gray rock technique, write down what happened. Keeping even a simple private log but even better a journal on the manipulations can really help reduce the abuse amnesia many of us have happened.

  • One thing that can happen with prolonged grey rocking is getting so good at it that it becomes part of the dynamic of the relationship with the narcissist, especially if it diffuses the abuse somewhat, THE ABUSE IS STiLL THERE and is happening even if it's being diffused.
  • A journal can help map the abuses and allow us to see, in list form all that goes on when we are busy managing things to keep us safe from emotional abuse. It can keep it from seeming just part of how life is if the abuse is pulled out from the situation and shown on paper to oneself.
  • With the ultimate goal being a life free from abuse, seeing pages and pages of the same cycles of abuse over and over can help free oneself from the hold those manipulations have over you. If you do this, keep it private, locked away and safe from being found by others.

Seek Support

The last tip I have is to tell a narcissistic abuse trained therapist, life coach or support group what you experienced. Look for the patterns the narcissist has that you see in your journal and share those with a person or group that is either trained or has experienced similar. This will give you more of that validation we need so much after emotional abuse. It can help you to see it even deeper as well to write or speak with SELECT others who truly understand.

Questions for You: Have you felt the need for validation and support after an abusive situation where you used gray rock? Do you ever struggle with not reacting and following through with the gray rock technique? Are there things you can tell yourself that might help throughout using the technique which give you support and reclaim your own power?

Thanks for reading this post! My name is Lise Colucci and I am one of the certified life coaches at QueenBeeing. Learn more about me here or schedule a one-on-one coaching session with me here.

Moving On With Your Life After Narcissistic Relationships (Advanced Healing With Richard Grannon)

Moving On With Your Life After Narcissistic Relationships (Advanced Healing With Richard Grannon)


Moving On With Your Life After Narcissistic Relationships (Advanced Healing With Richard Grannon)

What are narcissistic fleas?

What are narcissistic fleas?


Ever wonder if you're a narcissist? You might just have a few fleas...
Narcissistic Fleas are sort of a side-effect of long-term involvement with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder. This may be a narcissistic parent or a narcissistic spouse, or even a long-term narcissistic friend or co-worker. Today, I'm going to explain exactly what narcissistic fleas are and how you can get rid of them - plus, offer examples of what it looks like when you get a case of the "fleas" and why it happens.

Self-Esteem Test, Plus 10 Self-Confidence Tips for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

Self-Esteem Test, Plus 10 Self-Confidence Tips for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery


Self-Esteem Test, Plus 10 Self-Confidence Tips for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

Click here to download your copy of QueenBeeing Self Esteem Assessment

Freebies for You from Life Makeover Academy

Be sure to subscribe to my YouTube channel for free daily video coaching: https://youtube.com/angieatkinson

Need one-on-one coaching? Visit http://narcissisticabuserecovery.online and sign up today!

 

Top 10 Profound Rules for Living

Top 10 Profound Rules for Living

Life after narcissistic abuse can be challenging because we have to discover the rules as we go. We have to rediscover ourselves and what we believe. So in that spirit, here's a starting point for all of us. 

Some have even argued that is the goal of life: to figure out the rules.

Fortunately, billions of people have lived over the years, and at least a few of them have figured out a few things and passed them on. Having a few rules to use as a starting point will guide you towards a life that fulfills you.

Follow these strategies to get the most from life:

  1. Hard work trumps all. The world is full of stories of ordinary people that have accomplished extraordinary things. Find something that is meaningful and interesting to you and put all of your effort into that one thing and see where you end up.
  2. Let go of things that don’t serve you. Are you an executive now? It might be time to let go of those t-shirts with the beer logos. It’s not just possessions that you might consider jettisoning from your life. It’s also beliefs, hobbies, and negative relationships. Only keep the things and people that matter to you.
  3. Stay in touch with friends and family. Once we leave school and start working, most of us lose track of our school friends. Switch jobs, and you lose track of the people from the first job. All along the way, you see your extended family less and less. It’s not easy to find people that matter in your life, so stay in touch.
  4. Make your health a priority. A healthy body and mind support everything you want to do in life. Eat nutritious food, get enough sleep, and exercise.
  5. Avoid speaking in the heat of the moment. It has been scientifically proven that your ability to think rationally is compromised when you’re emotional. That’s why it’s so easy to say something you later regret. Take a moment and collect yourself before saying anything.
  6. End each day with evaluation. Ask yourself, “What did I do right today? What mistakes did I make?” Imagine if you could repeat your positive experiences and actions and get rid of the negative. Over time, it would be like compound interest for the quality of your life.
  7. Focus your time and energy on the things you can control. There’s no reason to waste your energy worrying about anything else. The weather, the behavior of others, and the quarterback of your favorite team are outside your realm of influence.
  8. Remember: Money doesn’t bring happiness. Money can remove many of the issues that can make life challenging. Money can also pay for a lot of fun. However, studies show that once you make enough to survive comfortably, more money doesn’t make you happier.
  9. Avoid extremes. Nearly any good thing becomes negative if taken too far. Going to a party once a month can be a positive thing. Going to a party three times a week probably isn’t. Working 40 hours a week is a positive thing. Working 100 hours a week generally is not. You can have too much of a good thing.
  10. Be open to new ideas and experiences. Life is very routine if you never do or think anything new. Be curious and experiment with your life. You don’t know what you don’t know.

Life has rules, and many of them aren’t entirely clear or logical. Part of the challenge of life is learning and applying the ideas and strategies that will bring you the results you desire.

There are many great books on life philosophy and living that can be helpful in your quest to understand life. Continue to educate yourself and develop your own set of rules that help you build a life you love.

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