So, I got an email from a reader, and I’m sharing it with his permission. There’s a bit of confusion on whether or not he’s being cheated on by his wife – and if he’s NOT, it looks like he may be stalking her. I want my readers to know that the only reason I am answering this question is that the writer of the letter seems genuinely worried.
“David’s” letter reads:
“Angie – I love your videos and I just need a bit of help here. I don’t know why, but I am so, so anxious all the time. It’s all because of my wife! I don’t think she’s a narcissist, but my wife is so beautiful and seems overly friendly. She has a lot of friends both male and female and is really popular. But I am always scared she will leave me. So can you help me out? Why don’t I trust her? I feel a little weird telling you this, but every time she leaves home, I feel like I have to trail her. I’ve even skipped work so I can keep an eye on her without her knowing. I know it’s irrational but I just can’t help myself. She thinks we have the perfect relationship, but I’m always worried about what she’s doing when I can’t see her. Am I just paranoid or is she really doing something against our marriage? Is this going to cause me to lose her? I’m so scared and I don’t know what to do!”
Here’s my answer.
First, you have to know that your wife clearly doesn’t think you have the perfect relationship. Without knowing more about your situation, I can’t give you an answer on whether she’s actually doing something wrong here. With that being said, have you tried asking her? Maybe just a simple discussion would help you to ease your mind a bit. But if you’re truly worried, start here.
A Change in Appearance – If your wife has gone through a change in appearance, it could be a sign that she is cheating on you. What you will want to look for is small, but significant changes in appearance. For example, has she always worn glasses but has all of a sudden opted for contact lenses? Has your wife recently started showing more skin? Dressing provocatively is a common sign of cheating, especially if your wife typically dresses conservatively. Switching perfumes or wearing it more often can be another sign of cheating. This can be done to impress a new man or to cover up another man’s scent.
A Change in Affection – A change in the amount of affection that your wife gives you could be seen as a sign of having an affair. For example, has your love life been happy and healthy in the past? Was your relationship filled with fun, adventure, and great sex? If so, has that changed? If your wife no longer compliments you as she did before or does something as simple as pull away during a kiss, an affair may be going on. Many cheating women try to avoid close contact with their husbands in fear of getting caught or letting their guilt show.
Secrecy – A wife becoming more secretive can often point to an extramarital affair. For example, does your wife spend too much time on the phone or the internet? If so, what does she say when you ask her what she is doing? If you receive a “nothing,” or a “not your business,” response, something may be going on. In keeping with phone and internet use, does your wife automatically hang-up the phone whenever you walk into a room? Does she shut off the computer or try to block your view of it? If so, your wife’s secrecy may mean that she is trying to cover up an affair.
Changes in Bills – One of the simplest ways to catch a cheating wife is to start paying your bills. In some relationships, this is the woman’s responsibility, but make it yours, at least for a while. Examine your wife’s cell phone bills. Does it show what phone numbers are called or what numbers text messages and pictures are received from? Also, closely examine credit card bills. Are there expenses listed for hotel rooms, vacations, restaurants, or anything else that you have no idea about? If so, your wife may be cheating on you.
The signs mentioned here are just a few of the many that you will want to look for in a cheating wife. If you think that your wife is cheating on you, just be sure to keep your eyes and ears open. Unfortunately for the cheaters, they often make mistakes. Many women get so comfortable, that they slip up at one time or another. If you know what to look for, this is when you may be able to catch your wife cheating.
What if she’s really cheating? How do you deal?
If you do find out that your wife is cheating on you, you may want to carefully approach the subject. Never confront your wife in front of your children. No matter how angry you are, do not get violent and try to keep your voice at a reasonable level. As hard as it can be, calming approaching the situation can better allow you and your wife to have an honest discussion. Then you can decide what will happen you to and your relationship next.
What if she’s NOT really cheating?
It’s possible that this isn’t really anything she’s done but that it’s simply an insecurity issue. If that’s true, think about what may have triggered this insecurity you have, but if you can’t get things under control, talk to her honestly about what’s on your mind, and get back on track, then I suggest you get some professional help. Otherwise, you are on the path for emotional self-destruction.
Know this: a jealous husband makes life miserable for his wife. It’s a really toxic way to live. One client tells me that her ex would follow and stalk her constantly. He sat outside her workplace, called all her friends. He even questioned her boss one day.
In the long run, it destroyed their relationship and eventually destroyed him too. Today, they are divorced and she says she is barely holding it together. My advice for you, if you want to stay married, is to understand that this is your problem, not hers. Speak to someone you can trust. Tackle this now before it kills your marriage too.
If your wife hasn’t given you any reason for your behavior, you need to dig deep and figure out why you feel this way. If you DO have a legitimate reason to not trust her, perhaps you are in a toxic relationship and you need to consider moving on.
Another Possibility: Projection
This may be a delicate question, but are YOU doing something that your wife wouldn’t approve of? Are you cheating on her? I only ask because if that’s the case, it’s also possible that you’re projecting your own behavior on to her. It’s important to be honest with yourself in this situation.
How to Get Evidence For Prosecution When Your Narcissist Is Stalking or Breaking Into Your Home
According to the security consultants I’ve chatted with, home security cameras can provide a deterrent to break ins, while also providing important evidence in identifying convicting the stalkers when they are caught and tried. Others view home security cameras as giving them an option to see what is happening around their home without the need to personally venture outdoors. Depending on the system installed, they can also record and send images through a network connection to a security company monitoring the home’s security system.
When home security cameras first became available to the public, recording was done on videocassette recorders, with the more advanced ones capable of recording 24 hours through stop-action recording sequences. Playback was typically grainy and jumpy due to the method in which they were taken, playing back about every 5th or 6th frame. Today, home security cameras can be connected to digital video recorders, complete with sound and can be programmed to record only if there is movement.
Depending on the desired outcome of a video, the cameras can be hidden or prominently displayed to let people know they are being recorded. Some laws provide guidelines to the placement of cameras in public places, however, most home camera installations can be done without restriction. Placing home security cameras in bathrooms or in other places where other residents of the home expect a large degree of privacy may invite angry responses from family members and guests in the home.
Hidden cameras can be used to identify others causing problems in a home and on the other side, home security cameras that are installed in plain sight, but unreachable to invite damage or disabling, may serve as a deterrent to crime as the stalker wants to stay out of the limelight. Most security companies advocate having visible cameras on the perimeter of a person’s home and hidden cameras inside as a way of deterring break-ins and for prosecuting those who ignore the initial warning.
When deciding to use home security cameras, it is always best to get the advice of a security expert to make sure their placement will best serve the needs of the homeowner.
Do you struggle with setting boundaries or even not know what your boundaries are? Maybe you feel guilty if you say no or like someone may not like you if you place a boundary. Has a narcissist altered the way you feel about boundaries or made it so you now feel like you are somehow wrong for having them? If so, you are like so many survivors of narcissistic abuse who struggle to find ways to place boundaries in their lives but also know they might need to learn to do so in order to heal and thrive. This group coaching series is to help you create and live in your own Personal Power and we begin the series with BOUNDARIES. Having the support of a group as you work with setting and maintaining boundaries in your life can help to make this topic go from feeling impossible to totally within reach. As you listen to others and get the coaching help to go along with the growth you are trying to achieve, the feeling of personal power may increase as well as feeling validated and supported.
Details: One hour weekly video meetings on Monday or Friday 6pm Pacific Sessions begin October 22 or 26 Cost: $60 (non refundable at this reduced group rate) for all 4 weeks
This also includes a private messenger chat group to help keep connection and continuity through the week as well as get daily coaching check-ins from Lise.
You will be contacted by Lise once you sign-up about the time you choose to meet as well as to be added to the messenger chat.
For information about Lise or to sign up for personal one on one coaching you can follow the link here.
Self-care is so much more important than we realize, and that couldn’t be more true for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Today, I’m going to help you build your very own DIY self-care kit. But first, let’s discuss why we need a self-care kit at all. Is self-care REALLY that big of a deal? I say yes. Let’s talk about it.
Self-Care, Confidence and How They’re Connected
Confidence is an inside game. True confidence comes from a sincere acceptance and love for yourself that isn’t influenced by outside forces. From the inside out, you love and appreciate who and what you are as it ever-evolves into something better. Loving yourself in this way creates space for nurturing when you aren’t feeling your best because no one knows better than you what you need.
Even the most confident people have bad days. From physical aches and pains to emotional stress, confidence doesn’t excuse you from life’s little setbacks. Confidence does, however, make taking care of yourself a bit easier. This is where self-care comes in.
Self-care is the art of nurturing and participating in activities that promote wellness, restoration, and balance. Self-care includes, but isn’t limited to, beauty, hygiene, personal interests, artistic outlets, mental health, physical health, and much more. Self-care is recognizing and responding to what your mind and body needs to be its best at any given time.
Confidence comes from knowing yourself and what you want. Confident people are fully aware of what they need to feel refreshed and better about themselves. They also understand the value of self-care and don’t feel guilty about caring for themselves, whether that means taking time alone or spending income on a massage. Their worthiness isn’t tied to the costs for self-care… their health is.
There are different sorts of self-care depending on the need. Let’s take a look!
Physical – Physical self-care includes activities such as healthy eating, exercise, and hygienic care. Taking care of yourself may include shopping at a farmer’s market or eating organic. It might look like using high-grade essential oils or buying a titanium bike for your riding hobby. Physically caring for yourself may include monthly spa days or bi-weekly pedicures. Whatever the vehicle for pouring into yourself, it is worth it and it is vital.
Emotional – Emotional self-care includes activities that restore your mental and physical health and give you back the clarity that is lost when overwhelm and anxiety creep in. From taking in a movie or date-night with your spouse, emotional self-care is as important as any other form of care.
Spiritual – Spiritual self-care is the nurturing of your spirit and soul. Depending on your beliefs or your focus, this may include a religious practice, but it also includes the arts, travel, and expanding your social conscience and awareness.
Space – Your space has a HUGE effect on your state of mind, which in turn has a huge effect on your health. It’s all connected! That’s why we must include our space (as in where we live, where we work, where we spend our time) in self-care. Check out this free 30-Day Home Makeover at LMA.
Confidence comes from within and it is from within we are restored. Confident people place a high premium on self-care and make it an integrated part of their lives. Use self-care to feel better about yourself and to model to others the benefits of caring for yourself so you can better care for those who depend on you.