“I am determined to offer an apology with my death.” ~Hideki Tojo
Do you apologize too often? A heartfelt apology can be healing, but even asking for forgiveness can be taken too far – and for survivors of narcissistic abuse, it can become a really bad habit. If you’re apologizing each time you ask to see a menu or bump into a chair, you may need to cut back.
Learn where to draw the line so you can express remorse without feeling guilty for things that are insignificant or beyond your control.
Use these ideas to become more aware of your behavior and find alternatives to apologizing.
How to Prevent Excessive Apologizing
Has saying you’re sorry become so automatic that you don’t even realize you’re doing it? You’ll need to recognize your patterns, so you can change them.
Try these ideas:
Slow down. Take a deep breath before you blurt out an apology. Give yourself time to think about what you want to do instead of operating on autopilot.
Check your motives. You might be trying to gain security or appear agreeable. You might even be pretending to be sorry, so you won’t have to listen to the other person’s point of view. In any case, check to see if you’re really remorseful.
Change your habits. Maybe there’s something about your lifestyle that you need to confront. Are you often contrite after shopping binges or losing your temper?
Keep a journal. Writing about your day can help you to notice your triggers and explore your emotions. Jot down what’s happening and how you feel when you apologize needlessly.
Lighten up. Anxiety can make you prone to apologizing. Find relaxation practices that work for you such as meditation or physical exercise.
Reach out for help. If you’re not sure if you’re going overboard, ask your friends and family for feedback. They can also support you while you’re trying to change. If you think you need more assistance, you may want to talk with a professional counselor.
What to Do Instead of Apologizing
Now that you’re ready to apologize less, you can experiment with different approaches. You may even find yourself picking up new communication skills.
Try out some of these alternative strategies:
Express gratitude. Saying thank you is often a more logical alternative to saying you’re sorry. Plus, it will probably make the other person feel better too. For example, thank a salesperson for suggesting an item that’s on sale instead of apologizing for not noticing it yourself.
Show compassion. Saying you’re sorry about the misfortunes of others can just be a form of expression. However, if it makes you feel guilty for things that are beyond your control, you may want to phrase it differently.
Be direct. Ask a question without apologizing first. It’s reasonable for you to clarify the details of an assignment at work or check the directions to a party. You’ll get the answers in less time, and you may be treated with more respect.
Accept yourself. Maybe you wish you had curly hair or a deeper voice. If you can learn to laugh at your more unusual qualities or just feel comfortable with them, you’ll feel less need to make excuses for them.
Assert your needs. The biggest downside to excessive apologizing is that it may reinforce the idea that you’re unworthy of love and respect. Build up your confidence with positive affirmations and worthwhile achievements so you can be comfortable and competent at advocating for yourself.
Save your apologies for the times when you’re sincerely remorseful and have done something that you need to make amends for. You’ll feel more confident about yourself, and your words will be more meaningful.
And, as Henry Kissinger said, “Accept everything about yourself – I mean everything, You are you and that is the beginning and the end – no apologies, no regrets.”
A hidden camera in a computer speaker. As with the above-mentioned air purifier, these speakers are fully functioning. If you want to spy on your spouse, whom you suspect may be using the internet to cheat on you, there is no better way to get to the bottom of things. Point the speakers towards the computer screen and you get all the proof you need! Since these speakers work, the computer user will be none the wiser. You can also use these speakers to point to any direction in a room.
A hidden camera in a clock. These clocks come in a number of different formats. Most are desktop, which allow you to maneuver to get the best view. To not raise suspicions, a digital alarm clock is best. These clocks are also fully functioning. The person you are spying on can use the clock, the alarm, listen to the radio, and so forth. Fully functioning means little suspicion is aroused.
A hidden camera in a pen. Not only can you buy pens with hidden video recorders inside, but digital cameras, audio recorders and more. In fact, you may be surprised what a small pen can do. Some allow for invisible writing, which can only be read with the pen’s light. Other pens have lights that allow for nighttime rummaging or writing in the dark. Some devices even come with small attachable scopes for long-distance viewing. Your options are unlimited when using a spy pen. Since pens are items we use every day, no one will think twice about seeing one.
As you can see, hidden cameras are found in a wide range of items. These are just a few of the ways narcissists can spy on you. Please be careful and check everywhere if you feel like you are being watched. They even have night vision cameras available these days and don’t forget about nanny cams.
What Is A Life Purpose? Simply put, life purpose is what motivates you to get out of bed every morning. This purpose guides your life decisions, influences your behaviors, shapes your goals, and creates meaning in your life. Every person has a different life purpose.
Some find their purpose is connected to vocation. Others find their purpose in their responsibilities to family and friends. While others find their purpose through spirituality and religious beliefs. There is no right or wrong when it comes to finding your life purpose.
Life Purpose And Satisfaction – We consider ourselves to be happy when our needs and desires are satisfied. However, this happiness is fleeting because, in our consumer-driven society, we are always trying to attain more.
A study in the Journal of Positive Psychology found that while negative events decrease happiness, they tend to increase the meaning of life. The study also showed that people who had purpose rated their life satisfaction higher, even when they were personally unhappy.
Essentially, having true meaning in our lives means that we can work through past grief, abuse, and failures and find resilience, resolve and growth and use those learning experiences to give back in some way.
People who have life purpose are the most satisfied with their lives, even if they don’t have everything they want and are unhappy.
Finding Your Life Purpose – To find your life purpose, you first must let go of the idea that you only have one purpose in life. Finding your purpose is going to require that you let go of a lot of things that you believe to be true. You need to let go of what society tells you is your purpose. Let go of what your parents and teachers and friends have told you is your purpose.
Think about what brings you joy. Consider what things make you feel fulfilled. The things that you want to share with the world. The things you are proud to be a part of. Finding your purpose is going to be your own unique journey, and there is no step-by-step guide to lead you there. However, when you discover your purpose you will know it based on the satisfaction you feel being true to your purpose.
The Importance Of Finding Your Life Purpose – There are many reasons you should find your life purpose. A study done in 2009 looked at over seventy-three thousand Japanese men and women. The study found that of those men and women, the ones who had a strong sense of purpose tended to live longer than those who didn’t.
A second study, done in 2008, showed that Japanese men who had a lower level of purpose experienced an earlier death and higher rates of cardiovascular disease. A final study published in The Journal of Pain found that women who had a strong sense of purpose could withstand hot and cold stimuli applied to their skin better than those who didn’t have a strong sense of purpose.
There is more to life than just being happy. In fact, the search for happiness is often futile. Instead, finding your life’s purpose can lead you to a life of ultimate satisfaction.
Try these tips and the additional tips in this video to discover YOUR life purpose! If you already know it, comment below and let me know what it is! If you don’t – tell me how you’re going to find it. Share this post to help share the love! It’s good karma.
“Some people aren’t loyal to you, they are loyal to their need of you. Once their need changes, so does their loyalty.” ~Unknown
Ever have a “frenemy” – you know, the “friend slash enemy” combo, all neatly wrapped up into one friend, relative, co-worker or acquaintance? Not sure? Well, let me ask you another question.
Have you been just SHOCKED at the level of betrayal to which someone subjects you on a regular basis? Whether it’s a friend, a family member or even a co-worker, a “frenemy” is also often a narcissist, which is officially defined as “apersonwhoisoverlyself-involved,andoftenvainandselfish.”
Do you know and/or love a narcissist? If so, have you ever had one tell you that he or she “knows you better than you know yourself?” How about being told that your feelings and thoughts aren’t real or legitimate? And depending on the point in your life in which you met the narc and the intensity of his manipulation, you might even believe him.
But everyone’s got a touch of narcissism – it helps us stay alive. Still, some have what might be considered “toxic” levels of narcissism – and one of the most telling signs is when someone from whom you expect (and deserve) loyalty goes the other way and betrays you.
For example, the boss who doesn’t back you up on a project – or the one who steals your idea and takes credit for it. Or the wife who just can’t seem to get it through her head that you are a person with feelings and emotions, too. Maybe it’s your child or your father who is “touched” by narcissism – it could be almost literally anyone you are in any type of ongoing relationship with.
Why do narcissists feel the need to create such difficulties for the people in their lives? It has a lot to do with their need to be in control of every person, situation and thing they come into contact with – at least on some level.
For a narcissist, this is just par for the course – it’s how they manage relationships and how they keep themselves artificially elevated within their own fragile egos- they start by messing with your head.
This might be due to your desire to keep your narcissist happy and avoid another raging episode, or it might just be because you’re so mentally exhausted from dealing with him that you literally can’t deal with anyone else’s issues.
Loyalty isn’t a two-way street when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist.
At some point, you begin to realize that the narcissist’s loyalty isn’t with you or with any one person, but rather with whomever or whatever is offering the attention and validation that he craves, needs, must have to survive.
KNOW THIS: You won’t ever be his first priority unless he needs or wants something from you, or unless someone is watching and he needs to prove how devoted he is. And it’s really not you – it’s him.
You will begin to notice that the narcissist isn’t really a whole person. There’s a very detailed and finely tuned shell there, alright, but the narcissist left alone will begin to wither like a plant without water.
He will grow bored and depressed because he has nothing of his own to hold on to – or if he does have his own “thing,” then he wants you to love that thing too. And if you don’t or won’t? You’re the one with the problem. And he will tell you exactly what’s wrong with you and everything that you are.
Dear Narcissist: You can’t handle the truth!
Even though you and other people in his or her life can see through the narcissist, there are plenty of “flying monkeys” who can’t. And let’s not forget that the narc can’t ever believe that something isn’t right about him or her self.
So unless you want an exercise in futility, I don’t suggest that you try to enlighten him to the error of his ways. So what can you do?
Are you comfortable with only making $50k or being 20 lbs. overweight? If you don’t raise your standards, you’re stuck. Are you okay with marrying someone that hits you a few times a year and verbally abuses you the rest of the time? What is the outcome of that standard?
You’re likely to end up with whatever is acceptable to you and little more.
1. Your standards determine the lower level of what’s acceptable to you. What’s the least you’re willing to accept in your life? What do you really want? You won’t sink below your standards, but you won’t rise too far above them either. When your standards have been violated, you’ll get busy in a hurry to change your situation.
2. You can raise your standards at any time. Your standards are entirely up to you. You have the right to thrive. You weren’t put on the planet to just exist and scrape by. Determine your own destiny.
3. Your most important standards deal with your own conduct. Are you willing to tolerate being late again? Procrastination? Letting your family down? Not speaking up for yourself? Making changes in this area will have the greatest impact because all aspects of your life are influenced. Become a more effective person by raising your expectations of your behavior.
4. Determine a standard you’re committed to raising. Perhaps you’d like to make more money or take more calculated risks in life. What would impact your life the most? How would your behavior change if you adopted that new standard?
5. Visualize success in that area. Imagine yourself in that high-paying job or enjoying time with better friends. Focus on the feeling it generates. That feeling will draw you to your new standards like a magnet.
6. Take aggressive action. You’ll know when your new standards have taken hold because your behavior will change. If you’re still stuck, your standards haven’t changed enough.
7. See your new standard as a fundamental shift, rather than as a goal. See yourself as the person that makes health a priority. This is much more powerful than having a goal of losing 25 lbs. When you change who you are, many of your results will change, too.
8. Recognize when you’re living up to your new standards. If you’re trying to save more money, make note of all the times you’re behaving congruently. You might buy less expensive food at the store, skip your morning latte, or carpool to work. Point out your progress to yourself and feel excited.
9. Consider what could happen if you fail to live up to your new standards. Keeping with the money-saving example, you might not be able to pay your bills on time or you might have to work at 65 instead of retiring. Make a list and understand the pain you face if you don’t stay on track.
Tony Robbins has said that raising his standards was the most important factor in turning his life around. It’s important to set a baseline for what you’re willing to accept in life. You don’t get what you want in life, you get what you’re willing to tolerate. Have high standards and your life will rise to meet them.
Do you have racing thoughts and anxiety? It’s hard to focus on anything else when anxiety takes control of your mind. You’re filled with worries and uncertainties. You can’t calm down or rest. It’s a common occurrence for people dealing with narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships.
Fortunately, there are ways to control anxious thoughts, and it just takes practice to master the techniques.
Try these tips to control your anxiety:
Distance yourself from the worrisome thoughts. Learn to look at your anxious thoughts in a different way.
The key is to reshape how you think about things.
When you get an anxious thought, immediately identify it as a sign of your worry and not reality.
Labeling your thoughts correctly raises self-awareness and makes it easier to control them. It also gives you something else to focus on instead of constant worry.
Ask yourself questions. When you get an anxious thought, stop and ask yourself these questions:
What is the real reason for this anxious thought? What am I really afraid of?
Is there real danger, or is my mind simply playing games with me?
Is the negative outcome I’m imagining likely to happen?
How can I stop or change these negative thoughts into something positive?
View your thoughts as data. Sometimes it’s helpful to view your thoughts as data and your mind as a data processing center.
You’ll get a lot of data coming in throughout the day. Some of this data can be incorrect and confusing. This is an example of anxious thoughts.
You may also interpret the data incorrectly. This means you allow the anxious thoughts to take over and control you. You let them grow and fester.
As the data processing center, you get to decide how to handle all the information. Remember you’re in control. This means you can choose to toss out or ignore the incorrect data.
Also, keep in mind that the brain is designed to detect danger and is hypersensitive to it. You may pick up on things that aren’t even real.
Focus on the present. Many anxious thoughts are focused on either the future or the past. You can break free by focusing on the present.
Avoid thinking too much about the past or future by interrupting these thoughts. Notice when you’re thinking about the past or future and guide your thoughts back to the present moment.
Sometimes thoughts from the past can make you afraid of the future. Remember that the past doesn’t have to repeat itself. You have the power to change how your future will be shaped.
Take action. Anxious thoughts often prevent you from taking action. They keep you stuck in fear and worry. Learn to take action even when you’re afraid.
Find one thing you can influence positively in that moment and take an action.
Action can actually decrease the number of anxious thoughts you have on a daily basis. It can show you that there’s nothing to be afraid of, that you’re powerful, and that you can make a positive difference.
Get rid of unhelpful thoughts. Some thoughts may be true, but they aren’t helpful.
Learn to tell helpful and unhelpful thoughts apart.
Then, start to filter out the unhelpful ones. For example, if you know that the odds of making a perfect presentation at work are low, but you still have to do it, this is an unhelpful thought. It doesn’t encourage you to do your best.
Anxious thoughts don’t have to control your life. You can use these tricks to effectively take control of your mind when you find yourself worrying. If these tips aren’t enough, consider talking to a therapist for additional help.