Today I’m sharing a story from a SPAN member who says her husband has been healed of his narcissism by Dr. David Hawkins, who has claimed to know the cure for narcissism. With her permission, I’m printing her letter in full here – but we’ll refer to her husband as Mr. X to protect their identities.
“Hi Angie, just watched your video referencing Dr. Hawkins. My husband Mr. X (name changed) and I have been clients of Dr. Hawkins’ for 18 months. Prior to Dr. H, nothing worked. Mr. X could sell ice to Eskimos and fool me, himself, our previous counselor, etc.
Dr. Hawkins was effective for a few reasons:
- Hawkins knew who and what he was dealing with– he called out every attempt of blame shifting, gaslighting, etc. He easily drilled down and identified Mr. X’s triggers.
- He taught me how to respond and react in a way that cut off Mr. X from abusing me and he wasn’t allowed to interact with me again until he made appropriate amends as approved by Dr. H. If his amends were BS, Dr. H called him out on that too.
- Over time he identified Mr. X’s abuse cycle and the triggers for each phase of it. He taught Mr. X how to identify his thinking errors along with a process to replace his stinking thinking with healthy thinking.
- The abuse cycle used to be short, repeated every few days or weekly, then as Mr. X became a humble participant in his own therapy with Dr. H the abuse cycle occurred maybe once a month. Mr. X’s “narcissist mode episodes” happened less and less.
- It was hard work, we had to work together daily, per Dr. H we read Lundy Bancroft’s book, “Why does he do that?”, this taught us both why abuser’s abuse, how they think, what needs to occur for them to change, etc. This was one of many helpful assignments from Dr. H.
- If the NPD spectrum was a 1 to 10 scale, Mr. X would have been rated a 4-5. I think any WILLING Narc rated 5 and under could change with Dr. H’s approach, but only if they truly want to and only if they stick with it.
- Mr. X spends a min if 1 hour a day working on his recovery. He also worked the 12 steps even though he doesn’t drink! Many years ago, Dr. H wrote a book on the 12 steps, basically the principals teach you to let go of resentment and a lot of the workbooks and exercises address narc behaviors.
So, I wanted to share! It was hard, it’s a new lifestyle, Mr. X will be in therapy forever. His inner narc is rarely triggered, and if I even think I’m seeing a glimpse of it I announce it and Mr. X uses his tools before it takes over.
Just like anything, it’s not for everyone. I’m the Mom of a son who happens to have ODD, Asperger’s, and Anxiety. I’ve mastered identifying and redirecting triggers. I don’t want to be a Mom to a Narc and I refuse to do so.
Before Dr. H I was apartment shopping and thought I’d consult him as one last effort before running! Mr. X had very good qualities that were present way more than his Narc side.
My response is included in this video.