Editor's Note: If you've been reading my work for long, you know that I've written pretty often about narcissism in relationships. While I initially did this just for my own healing purposes, I found that the reaction I got from readers was huge--and not only did this tell me that I was far from alone, but that I needed to do more to help these people. That's why I wrote many of my books. At the end of this post, there's a big discount on this book for readers of Queenbeeing-if you're interested.
"Understanding how a narcissist works is the key to living or working with one. If you can understand his or her behavior, you may be able to accept it as you realize their behavior is NOT a result of anything you did or said despite them emphatically blaming you. If you can accept their behavior and not take the abuse and other actions personally, you can then emotionally distance yourself from the narcissist. If you can emotionally distance yourself, you can either cope with the narcissist or garner the strength to leave." ~ Alexander Burgemeester, The Narcissistic Life
The beginning of a relationship with a narcissist can be very deceptive; in most cases, a narcissistic relationship begins just like any other—with the standard phases of initial attraction, infatuation and eventually falling in love.
There is no single “type” that a narcissist typically goes for, technically—there are no parallels to be drawn among the partners of narcissists as far as height, weight, eye color, race or any other physical or cultural characteristic.
While there seems to be no “ideal” or “standard” mate/friend/spouse for a narcissist, there are certain similarities about the relationships. For example, the narcissist typically begins a new relationship with a “honeymoon” period, during which everything seems perfect, almost too good to be true.
Living in a relationship with a narcissist can be anything from exciting and exhilarating to soul-sucking and traumatic. And it usually is one or the other—depending on what day it happens to be. You might compare it to a type of emotional rollercoaster.
And a narcissist cannot exist without someone to adore, submit to his will, be available at his whim and willing to disparage herself to his benefit. His whole identity really depends on it—it’s called narcissistic supply.
So what draws a person into this type of relationship and keeps her there?
Common Qualities Among the Partners of Narcissists
“The inherently dysfunctional ‘codependency dance’ requires two opposite but distinctly balanced partners: the pleaser/fixer (codependent) and the taker/controller (narcissist/addict,” writes Ross Rosenberg. “Codependents — who are giving, sacrificing, and consumed with the needs and desires of others — do not know how to emotionally disconnect or avoid romantic relationships with individuals who are narcissistic — individuals who are selfish, self-centered, controlling, and harmful to them. Codependents habitually find themselves on a “dance floor” attracted to partners who are a perfect counter-match to their uniquely passive, submissive and acquiescent dance style.”
While physically, culturally and otherwise, the victims of narcissism aren’t the same, there are certain qualities that typically unite them. I’m going to use the “she” pronoun here, but note that there is no single sex that is a typical victim (although, to be fair, men reportedly make up the majority of narcissists).
First, she must be insecure or at least have a distorted sense of reality, if you expect her to stick around. Otherwise, she’ll be out on the first or second exhibit of narcissism, early on in the relationship.
She will likely often belittle and demean himself, while glorifying the narcissist and putting him on an untouchable pedestal.
As a result, the partner becomes the victim, which works fine for her—she has a tendency to punish herself. Maybe she’s even a bit of a masochist. She probably feels like she “deserves” this life of torment.
She’s his eternal scapegoat, always put-upon and putting her own needs last.
“It is through self-denial that the partner survives,” says Sam Vaknin, a self-proclaimed narcissist. “She denies her wishes, hopes, dreams, aspirations, sexual, psychological and material needs, choices, preferences, values, and much else besides. She perceives her needs as threatening because they might engender the wrath of the narcissist's God-like supreme figure.”
Victims of narcissism often call themselves “people-pleasers” or “diplomats,” but the truth is, they are often so downtrodden in relationships that they just become changed, reactive versions of their former selves.
“When you are the partner of a narcissist, you are there to project the image he wants for you—that he wants his partner to project,” writes Diane England, PhD. “Of course, your house and lifestyle probably fall into this category, too. They are all about making statements to others he wishes to impress, not about providing you with the type of environment you might find comfortable or restful--an environment that feeds your soul.”
Do you know someone who is in a relationship with a narcissist?
Perhaps you recognize yourself or someone you love in this post. If so, you might be interested in one of my books.