There's a reason I'm not a stand-up comedian. Still, sometimes laughter can be the best medicine. In that spirit, here are the cheesiest jokes I could come up with about narcissists. 

  • Why did the narcissist cross the road? She thought it was a boundary.
  • Quick narcissism test. Step 1. Take a minute to think about yourself. Step 2. Still here? Then you're probably safe. Making it to step two means you can stop thinking about yourself.
  • Why doesn't a narcissist ever attack a vampire? Professional courtesy of course.
  • Narcissists can be great birth control...just spend a few hours with one while they're dealing with a narcissistic injury - it's just like being with a toddler.
  • Never give a narcissist a straw. He will just use it to suck the life out of someone.
  • Some people leave footprints on your heart. Narcissists make you wanna leave footprints on their faces.
  • A narcissist walks into a bar and finds that he can't stop staring at the gorgeous man across the room. He is fascinated with this guy and he can't figure out why. Finally he sneaks over to the bartender and tells him to get the guy a drink on him. The bartender looks confused for a minute. "Which one?" The narcissist points at the amazing looking guy and the bartender looks pained. "Sir," he says, holding back laughter. "That's a mirror."
  • A narcissist walks into a bar. And it's all the bar's fault for hanging too low.
  • A narcissist walks into a bar. She is quickly approached by a decent looking guy, who asks if she's seeing anyone. "Mostly myself, in the mirror," she says.
  • Did you hear the one about the narcissist who got in a tragic accident and lost his left arm and left leg? He's never been happier, because he's finally all right.
  • How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one - because the whole world revolves around her. 
  • So I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. I really hated it at first. But by the end, I sorta liked it.
  • My narcissist and I got divorced because of religious differences. He thought he was God, and I disagreed.
  • What do you call a narcissist who is buried in the ground up to his neck? A good start.
  • I just figured out how narcissists sleep so well. First, they lie on one side. Then they lie on the other.
  • How do you know when a narcissist is lying? His lips are moving. 
  • Why is it so expensive to divorce a narcissist? Cuz baby it's worth it.
  • What should you do if someone steals your narcissistic partner? Throw a party in his/her honor. 
  • Marrying a narcissist is like a 3 ring circus. First there's the engagement ring. Then there's the wedding ring. And then the suffering.

Come on, I know you can do better! Share your favorite narcissist jokes with me!

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