Thoughts on this post? Share them with me on Facebook, join the SPANily or Tweet me at @angieatkinson. ~Angie

**TRIGGER WARNING: These are statements made by actual narcissists that were shared with me by actual survivors of narcissistic abuse.

If you’ve ever been involved in a toxic relationship with a narcissist, the following statements may sound pretty familiar to you. I polled the members of my online support group (SPAN) and asked them to share things they heard their narcissists say again and again as they were being relentlessly manipulated and gaslighted during their relationships. 

If you’re not sure you’re dealing with a narcissist, it might help you to take a look at this list and see whether anything sounds familiar. 

  1. You’re being irrational.
  2. You should get tested for schizophrenia.
  3. You’re always making shit up in your head.
  4. You need help.
  5. I don’t do things I think are wrong.
  6. Why are you being so defensive?
  7. You are so childish/immature.
  8. You need to learn to communicate better.
  9. I’m not arguing; I’m just discussing.
  10. Hey, I’m not saying you need to be any different!! I’m not trying to change anybody!
  11. It’s always something with you.
  12. You’re crazy, you weirdo, freak.
  13. Whatever.
  14. If you wouldn’t piss me off I wouldn’t  have to say mean things to you.
  15.  No wonder so and so has a problem with you.
  16. If you tell them about me I will ( blah blah ) and hurt you. (Either blackmail, or made-up exaggerated lies to get back at you for exposing them.)
  17.  I used to think you were a good person. (Because you tell them off and get on their level.)
  18. Why are you being a bitch, get over it, I’m late, I was suppose to be here at noon but it’s 2:40 pm. Do you want to go eat or not?
  19. ]I don’t have time for your games.
  20. Go ahead, tell them about me. I will make your life a living hell, bitch.
  21. I’m much smarter than your dumb ass.
  22. Just try, you will lose.
  23. I’m going to kiss their butt; we will see who they want more to do with.
  24. You would think you would have figured out by now –  you can’t beat me. But hey – knock yourself out, and make a fool of yourself.
  25. If you’re on the phone with them, in front of an audience, you get: “Listen, you need to get help, I can’t play your games anymore. I really feel sorry for you, I’ve got to go. I’m not being pulled into another fight,”. (You’re on the other end saying “what are you talking about?”) About that time he clicks phone off. Then, he later calls you, ” Try me bitch – have you figured out you won’t win?”
  26.  What do you mean I have no real friends? I have an attorney friend, one who owns (blah blah), I have tons of friends! You’re the depressed loser who stays home all the time with no friends! Ohhhh sorry, you have a volunteer pet rescue friend! Wowww, I’m impressed.
  27. Ohhh, I forgot you’re holier than thou!
  28. Poor you!
  29. You like being  a victim.
  30. You wonder why I stay away from you.
  31. Others think I’m a pretty nice guy. Too bad you don’t.
  32.  I’m going to stay away from you as long as you put me down.
  33. No wonder I do drugs!
  34. If I want to feel like shit I will come around you.
  35. How’s it working for you?
  36. Listen to yourself! You are losing it.
  37. If they leave you and you say, “Good riddance! Now she can put up with you. He says, “Oh, she doesn’t mind breakfast in bed! We are going to Hawaii. You could have had the finer things, but you wanted to fight me all the time. When I’m a millionaire, we will see who is doing better then.
  38. My ‘friends’ (on Facebook that I never met in person) tell me all the time how smart I am all the time.
  39. I am not trying to control you.  You are thinking about your ex husband, and taking it out on me.
  40. You’ve always “got a problem.”
  41. I’m the best thing that ever happened to you.
  42. No one can ever love you like I do.
  43. It’s always your fault.
  44. Why do you have to get all pissy and hurt over stuff?”
  45. “You just look for something to gripe about all the time.”
  46. “What do you get out of being all moody all the time? I hope that’s fun for you.”.
  47. I’m the only one that really loves you.
  49. I don’t give a crap about your kids.
  50. “Everyone” agrees with me – you’re bad!
  51. I  never said that!
  52. You’re crazy!
  53. You’re lazy.
  54. You’re too sensitive!
  55. I know what you’re thinking.
  56. You never listen.
  57. I’ll pay you back. (Never does!)
  58. You better wipe that look off your face or I’ll do it for ya!
  59. You’re a piece of shit.
  60. You try to make them aware about something, like that they are going to get in trouble with either legally or personally. They say, “Don’t worry about it. Shut up, You’re such a goody goody weirdo; you worry about everything. I’ve done this before.”
  61. Stop telling people stuff about me.
  62. After cheating on me repeatedly he wants to know why I said “some not nice things to him.”
  63.  Also tells me “You will never find another man as good as me.”
  64.   When he goes out someone “told me they had the best time ever because I was there.”
  65. I’m from Acadian blood line, so naturally I’m smarter than average people like you.
  66. My job is more important! You just have projects, it’s just busy work
  67. I don’t answer your texts because you’re bothering me with your foolishness.
  68. It’s my way or the highway!
  69. Women are here to serve men!
  70. If you’re so great at budgeting, why are we past due on everything and broke? (After he blows entire paycheck at casino)
  71. “I know how _______.”
  72. “I know why ________ .”
  73. “I have the answer, you just have to listen to me.” (You can fill in the blank with ANY subject. He always knows the answer to everything…. Peoples’ motives, parenting, why your cake just exploded. Any subject at all… he has ALL the answers. You just have to listen.)
  74. “Back when I lived in Florida and I was rich beyond belief and knew all the movie stars (because I grew up with them), I never had to worry about being broke all the time.”
  75. Watch what I do next, bitch! 
  76. I used to race Porsches for Indy 500 and owned two Burger Kings and a Pizarro’s.
  77. No wonder your daughter can’t keep a boyfriend! She’s so needy and trailer park trash.”
  78. After one of his (often veiled) put downs: “and that’s the truth!”
  79. “I know at least 3 people in this town who think you are bi-polar”
  80. He is incredibly grandiose and exaggerates his achievements, talks constantly to anyone about the people of high standing that he “knows,” needs to be seen as a genius, is challenged by other people’s achievements – behind their backs will call them “third rate.”
  81. When I was manager of over 50 people at a restaurant…” ( …Taco Bell – but you couldn’t say that – heaven forbid he was associated with fast food)!!!
  82. “You just want to rehash the past.”
  83. “You should have known that this was not a good time to (talk to me….call me on the phone….etc.).” (Followed by a “justifiable” narcissistic rage).
  84. “YOU  treat me like shit and you’re NOT on drugs.”
  85. “Nobody likes you, they all laugh behind your back.”
  86. After he breaks up with you over the phone: “You made me! You asked if you were all right.”
  87.  “It’s always something with you.”
  88. You leave me and you will be blued, screwed and tattooed!
  89. You will NEVER have the confidence to leave me!
  90. “You are delusional.”
  91. You have no friends. 
  92. Nobody likes you. 
  93. You’re too old; no one will ever want you. 
  94. You’re too fat. 
  95. No one will ever love you like I do. 
  96. You’ll never find anyone as good as me. 
  97. You’ll never find anyone else to put up with you like I do. 
  98. You’ll never have a house as nice as this one.  You’ll end up living in a broken down car on the North side. \
  99. What are you going to do without me?  How will you ever feed yourself? 
  100. I never said that…you’re crazy.  
  101. You need a shrink.  
  102. I never did that…you’re crazy.
  103. I can say or do anything I want to to you because I own you.
  104. “I was busy!”
  105. Somebody has to earn a living!
  106. “I work my ASS OFF, but nobody around here seems to care!”
  107. No one is able to love someone like you, except me.
  108. Why do you always have to criticize me?
  109. Don’t nag me.
  110. Why are you upset? I was ONLY kidding.  
  111. I want …   I need….    
  112. I … me me me.
  113. I was just kidding – gee, you can’t take a joke
  114. Rage? What rage?    Oh, so I’m not allowed to get angry?
  115. Only I can treat you like shit!
  116. “I never said anything to you because I just thought you knew how she felt about you. She was talking about you, complaining. I didn’t think you were friends.”
  117. Narc: You have the most beautiful blue eyes.
    You: Awww.  Thank you. 
    Narc:  I can’t do this anymore. 
    You: Are you breaking up with me again? 
    Narc:  Yes.
  118. “If you ever cheat on me, I’ll kill them…AND you…”
  119. You started it.
  120. Get over it.
  121. Grow up!

What do you think? Did anything sound familiar for you? Do you think you’re dealing with a narcissist? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments section and let’s discuss it.

You might also want to check out my free email course on narcissistic abuse recovery – check it out at You can also get my books on narcissism and narcissistic abuse recovery at

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24 Responses to 121 Things Narcissists Say When They Are Gaslighting You

  1. The older the narcissist becomes, the smarter, more clever he/she becomes. Therefore, all of the above statements may ring true for a younger, immature generation. But a smart narcissist knows not to use those statements because they come with a price (from experience). So, he/she develops a new strategy, still controlling. Sometimes he/she can “chameleon” into a humble, kind person, and then live a different life away from you. Still he/she sees himself/herself in control.

    • Yeah. #122: “If you weren’t so narcissistic, you’d do something to help ME once in awhile!”

    • Here’s the thing tho; this list also includes things that someone who has to stand up to the narcissist has to say! show a narcissist and their flying monkeys this list and they call you a narcissist!

  2. Oh, so many of these I heard! Narcs are hard to deal with and even more difficult to break from, especially if you were married to one and have kids together. I feel for anyone that’s gone through it. I’m divorcing my narc after 23 years of marriage and I do struggle some days wondering if I can do this, but I know in the long run that this is the best for me and our kids. Therapy is the key to help get your confidence, self esteem, and your sanity back! PTSD is a real issue that anyone that has had to deal with a narc will experience and have to heal from. It’s just sad that these narcs can’t see how damaged they are and how they destroy other people’s lives. Best of luck to all those that are healing from the devastating effects of a narc.

  3. no it just sounds like stuff that comes out when 2 people have an argument or something judge judy might have said.

  4. Now you made me feel bad. ? They never feel bad because they have a conscience, and have behaved poorly, or betrayed you…

    You are so manipulative. When you are the one who is routinely being punished, cut off, shut down, shut up, lied to, lied about, threatened, etc. You just want to communicate and resolve problems, not make them feel or do anything!
    How do they manage to turn everything around on you? You always know what is going on with an N, because they project it all on you.

  5. I do believe the older a Narc gets, the smarter he/she becomes. I use to be with a Narc, who had 12 years on my age. They are something else, let me tell you!

  6. Some of these depend on the context, though – “I want/need”; What’s wrong with simply stating your wants and needs? Isn’t that important?; If nobody comunicates anything, how is the relationship gonna go anywhere? – Now, granted, YES there are healthy and unhealthy ways to do so.

    But, my issue is that this article doesn’t seem to really point out the difference too much. Some of the points are really vague, I think. I suggest making some edits, in some parts.

    Another one is “You need help”; I think, at some point, we all say this one because acknowledging and recognizing when someone needs help is vital for healing and recovery! Again, it’s important to clarify the context and differentiate with healthy vs unhealthy examples, please.

    • The good news is it sounds like you have not been in a relationship with a narcissist. Believe me when I say this. The descriptions are dead on. The bad news is you may be in the beginning stages of a relationship with a narcissist. You are unsure and are rationalizing something your gut is telling you! Maybe I’m wrong ,but why are you reading this stuff? if you are in what is called the love bombing stage, when its over (and it will be)then comes the devaluation and finally the Discard. Protect yourself and run. it could ruin your life literally. At the very least you will never ever be or see the world the same again. Take care. Sincerely, HTCMASS (Hoping to call myself a survivor soon)

    • you need help means they are not going to help you but they know you need it. they are trying to sound better than whoever they are judgmentally saying are not well. when really its their fault you feel bad cuz they are putting you down.

  7. Some of these are not gaslighting at all.

  8. “if we ever get divorced, i’ll get the kids because my family has money and yours doesn’t”

  9. “as usual you assume that I always lie to you & I couldn’t possibly know anything” / “that’s not what I said, you and your convenient memory” / “Wrong, wrong, wrong- I never said that” / “everyone noticed you being ‘x’ way (insert avoidant/rude/crazy)” / “you distort the truth to suit your perception” / “you will ‘create’ your own truth regardless of facts” / “I’m not trying to be mean; I’m trying to ‘jog’ your memory” / “I don’t mean it that way, you’re just not remembering it right”

  10. I wrote this dealing with my ex nar. If ur in love with a nar…ull me ull kno..its obvious..

    Locked in a box

    U wont see the scars u caused
    The pain i endured
    The yelling u did,
    The lies u told,
    The insults u screamed
    The evil laugh u used
    Despite it all i loved u
    Each episode, the emotional knife u used cut a little deeper
    Every bad day, i became ur personal punching bag
    Despite it all i loved u
    Yell at me again,
    Tell me im crazy,
    Im numb to the feeling
    Im isolated from my friends because u hated them all
    U did no wrong.
    Everything was somebody elses fault
    Im sorry. Im sorry
    I love u please believe me
    Ive heard it all.
    Despite it all
    I loved u
    Im stuck in a box
    Until u turn angry again.
    The pain runs faster than a raging river on a cold windy day.
    Despite it all
    Apart of me will always love u

  11. Here are some more:

    But we’re in love. (every time I tried to leave)

    You’re crazy and I’m a really great guy because I put up with you.

  12. Another one:

    (When I tell him that he lacks compassion)

    You are the one who doesn’t have compassion. If you had compassion, you would give me what I want sexually. (when, where, how etc.)

  13. He used to manage a restaurant too. (like number 81) You have to add the number of important people who ate there and told him he was great.

  14. some of those sound very familiar! i also got “if you leave me, i will kill myself” from one of my narc exes, and i foolishly believed him. with my last narc long term relationship, he promised to go to couples counseling if i came back to him. but after he had me “in place”, he admitted he just said that to manipulate me. he never intended to go to couples counseling. needless to say, i left him after that incident, and i never went back!

  15. Here’s one. “If I didn’t love you I would have left you by now.”

  16. One day I decided to go see him at his work as a surprise. He was a security guard at these apartments next door to the casino. It featured a pool, and a cabana, and I guess that is where he spent most of his time. ( By the way I was suspicious of him starting from week two of our relationship.) So I pull into a parking space and had a clear view of the cabana and suddenly I see this woman walking out of there, and he was right behind her. He walked her out unlocked the gate and she was gone. He didn’t know I had seen this yet. When I told him what I saw he immediately got on the defensive getting angry and yelling at me ” You didn’t see shit! You are crazy” ! You cant see two feet in front of you! ( I happen to wear glasses so that was his defense. Not only did I see this woman, but I KNEW her. She was my bartender at work! To this day he denies it tells me I’m crazy. My response would always be ” yes I AM crazy! Crazy for being with you a-hole! This also works with the word stupid.

  17. ( Cont) That episode was my wake up call. My first inkling that something wasn’t right with him. he is sick in the head, HE needs help, and I realized how dangerous he could be. And STILL I stayed with him another 10 years! He has since moved out of town 4 years now but comes to visit. Last time he was here was because his father was dying . My brother and his girlfriend showed up around that time and decided they would stay with me and to make a long story short, she took up hooking when her Mom threw her out at 15. Well THEY ( my ex, and her had a little romp in MY APARTMENT probably in my bed while I was at work ! That did it for me. I think about when we had sex and it makes me sick to my stomach. Even though he was the best lover. I lost any respect I ever had for him, and he has dropped down to her level, beneath me, and I think how could he want to be with that SKANK? goes to show ya, they are sexual deviants. Devils no longer in disguise. I guess I feel empowered knowing that I am the ONLY one who knows what he really is. If there some way we can use that against them?

  18. Heres one thats not on the list and should be, mine says it constantly and i tell him to stop saying it. The thing he always says is ” You’re not making any sense”

  19. Be nicer if it wasn’t written with the gender bias 😎

  20. Sounds like you have hit the nails on the head. I have lived it for 7 years. I educated myself and realized 2 weeks ago that I had enough gaslighting. I dont even recognize myself anymore. I dony know who I am with my short temper with my kids. That was never me. I agree i was with a narc. I alao realized he had to go 2 weeks ago. I kindly packed all of his stuff and i lefy so he could get it. I have gone no contact, because i see what he is now . That has done great harm to my mind. Best is my narc suddenly h ired my exhusband, who I am very close to, to work for him…cant i e er just get away? I actually want to avoid my narc at all costs. I realize i have had enough abuse.

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