1) create trouble in my life that he thought I’d go to him for help (i.e. put my number and name on sex site, continuous food orders past midnight, sent threats to my uni etc)
2) projective identification: when I confronted him, he said I’d lost my spark, I was spiteful and am no longer this ‘kind little thing’ he knew, and that my toxicity was at another level. I feel that he was trying to belittle me because he felt belittled by my confrontations. That got me every time because I feel that I had to defend myself, and would go on arguing with him.
3) The Nex has used his sons and my daughter to pass along messages that were supposed to get me to bite at “papers to be returned” to me. Unsuccessful, as I am full no contact. I “gray rocked” the “kids” and they don’t tell me much anymore about the Nex. Their communication with him is their business. I prefer to talk to them about what’s going on in their lives. Liking my 17 months of no contact. Not going back. Don’t need any more “projects”!
4) Ignore me after blocking me from social media but commenting on my YouTube videos.
5) Showing up to family get-togethers like nothings going on and being nice & buying me gifts.
6) BOTH ex-Narcs have texted/called for my recipes, LOL!
7) he Sends me texts, messages and snaps professing how much he loves me and telling me that I’m all he wants, begging me to come back home…:..after he’s discarded me and told me he’s done multiple times.
8) The latest hoover was ridiculous. This happened over a four hour period. First, a text msg asking the name of our real estate, I didn’t respond. Then a call, I didn’t answer. This pattern continued for about 30 mins I finally msgd just name of real estate. Then more msgs he wanted pics of us as he missed me, calls over and over again. I never replied or answered again. The longer it went on the msgs got worse. Calling me a slut, junkie, whore, attacking my parenting and saying no wonder my kids are fucked. Then trying to scare me saying he was on his way to my house and he was in the driveway. (boo) the idiot had no idea that I had actually gone away for the weekend. Overall in four hours, I received 59 text msgs and 11 phone calls. On returning home I reported him to police.
9) Group post, forwarded a girl saying to another girl “hey didn’t we go to school together?” He states “That’s how the best part of my life began.” It was his first line to me. Just happened. Smh
10) The first time was a constant calling/texting begging to see me. Finally, let him come over because he swore he had been in the hospital and that was why he hadn’t been in his right mind. He read me the “letter” he wrote to me about his undying love and blah blah blah. The second one he begged to see me because he had to get his things. When he came in he said, “I just wanted to see you one last time so I could tell you that I want nothing to do with you to your face.” Then he turned around to walk out and then turned back around came at me grabbed me and passionately kissed me and told me he couldn’t live without me. Always so dramatic.
11) Recently after over a year no contact he has made an Instagram that is both of our names and he posts pictures of us. I can’t see it bc it’s private but it’s us asleep for the cover photo and it’s creepy.
12) She actually made another IG page ( because she is blocked on all mine and my kids social media) and contacted my daughter ( who is mine from a previous relationship and who was her Golden child ) to tell her how much she “loved them” She has text me asking about the kids ( I block every # she texts me from ) , she had one of her friends call me to see how I was doing ( from an unknown number , the number actually came up on my phone as unknown ) .
13) Mine thought after harassing me for months, sending people to harass me, lying about me, causing me to develop anxiety related tachycardia, that a simple “unblock me and let’s talk” said in a nice and flirtatious tone would convince me to go back to him. He tried this several times when he was around me and I ignored him while my friends called him out for discarding me and the harassment. He attempted this after his old/new supply (the “crazy” ex before me) didn’t work out again.
14) breaking into my house and taking my dog ransom.
15) Saying he was sorry. He just wanted to have lunch, so we could talk.
16) We are divorcing, he already moved out. We need to get the house ready to sell, declutter etc. He ordered a dumpster delivered, said he would be over for 2 nights to help. No show, instead he took our son to his parents’ lake house for the remainder of the week. So I ask him Saturday when the dumpster is supposed to be picked up, no contact otherwise. He texts back asking me how much money I’ll be making this month and that everything should be in the dumpster. I just said it was both our responsibility and he started insinuating the mess etc is all my fault. Back to no contact, whatever I did my part!
17) Calling me for the first time since the divorce a year previously, to tell me that he’s moving out of state. Oh, and by the way, he’s also taking our youngest child, who he’s turned into a Flying Monkey, with him. And they are leaving in 4 days. We were married for 34 years. He was in such a hurry to get to his girlfriend that he couldn’t even be at this child’s high school graduation. (gf lasted 7 weeks.) He’s moved because of target #2. That was a Doozie! A Hoover, devaluation and double discard all in one! You don’t see that just every day. Devaluation because the kids who knew lied to my face about it for weeks. Telling me that youngest was going to be doing one thing when all along this was planned. He convinces two of my kids that his news is “private” and only to be shared at his convenience, with his permission. No matter what I say they don’t get that telling everyone BUT me isn’t keeping the news “private”. It’s keeping secrets in order to manipulate, devalue and attempt to control me.
18) By asking his mother to call me and talk to me. She told me I was so good and it was really nice of me to be his son’s friend since he’s such a solitary person and stuff.
19) In the past would call or text about something “important”. He’s not one to EVER apologize or fight FOR me but he always got sentimental or telling me how much he loved me but it just didn’t work between us. The last Hoover attempt was about my car( it’s still in both of our names) he wanted me to sign a paper to switch to me as primary on the loan and tags ( would have ended up costing me double with the tags because I’m in planning on refinancing in a month or 2 anyway. He didn’t get his way so he said “as always, your way”, …. my reply was silence…. perfectly executed grey rock! Lol
20) Coming by unannounced at my office, to return 6 plastic chairs I had lent to his office, on a national kids holiday (he knew I missed his kids and thought this might reel me back in).
21) Bang on my front door window after my months-long solid no contact regime the day before Christmas. With a Christmas package from his company. “Because you’ve worked so hard this year.” 🙄
22) Silent phone calls and no caller id calls. Some of the calls contained distant voices talking flattering about him and about his new supply and their happy future. 😖
23) Impersonating as his youngest daughter on her phone and sending me messages, supposedly from her. It was him, luring me to reach out, so he could rub his new supply in my face. I didn’t take the bait. His new supply was already on vacation with him and the kids after the first month of dating.
24) Applying to be a speaker on a big seminar about my expertise so I couldn’t go there and waiting for my reaction.
25) Hoover by proxy: flying monkey/lieutenant had mentionitis, kept informing me on the goings on of the narc, despite my requests not to mention him.
26) Letting other people inform him about my whereabouts, and then ‘casually’ sitting exactly where I have to walk by.
27) More No Caller ID calls (he still does this. It’s 13 months after the breakup!).
28) Today via triangulation. Money. Being nice, apologizing. Came to my home, broke my window. Has people stalking my page.
29) First time: We had been one another’s first loves as teenagers, I ended the relationship hating her and never wanting to see her again. I successfully cut her from my life. Fast forward 15 years. She messaged me on LinkedIn and we met for a drink. Love bombing was intense, it was hard for me to distinguish because we already had a familiarity. I was at a point, a couple years after my divorce, where I was ready to find a partner, probably the worst time to walk into a narcissist. It was “meant to be”… mask started talking about four months later. Second time: After two years of living together, I was done and moved out with the kids. About nine months after I had left, she had a partying summer with her friends and dated someone else… Then the Hoover started after she got it out of her system for the time being. She called and text and asked to meet. I finally gave in. BShe said all the things to me… she knew what she had lost, wanted me and the kids back, started therapy, acted very remorseful, cried a ton, apologized for being awful, made promises and commitments… I believed her and went back. Love bombing happened for about a year, the cycle played out, again. Here I am another two years later, regretting going back yet again.
30) My ex-husband after I left him, cut me off from all our finances and the most he would do is take me grocery shopping. He basically just tried to get me to come back by making me unable to survive financially. He would call and text incessantly. His text messages would be full of emojis. And he would initiate the contact and answer me back right away. When he wasn’t spinning his web, I would be the one to text or call and he would respond hours later.
31) Typical promises of change, counseling, an actual job other than dealing drugs, SUICIDE THREATS etc. Later after successfully sucking me back in, he claimed to have meant none of it, that he was only “sucking ass” to get me to go back to him.. (side note: he beat the sh#t out of me a few months later, and I successfully got away 100% NC, and karma is getting him hard.. I don’t feel sorry for him at all anymore..)
32) She Hoovers me by saying to pray for her when something bad happens. Like this time after being rejected by 10 guys she hurt herself and said to pray for her. This is what dragged me to go see her… and tend her cut. The second time was her sister is not getting better from being sick and to pray for her. It’s always praying for this girl that got me out of the no-contact phase.
33) Called and sent texts saying that she was starving and accused me of leaving her in the house to die alone… said that leaving her was borderline illegal
34) Constant phoning
35) Sent texts asking how I am
36) Usually love bombing on Facebook, that sort of thing, winc to hats usually how he contacted me, also creating some crisis that may or not been real like him getting fired, or wanting me to help him with his resume, but never wanted to look for another job.
37) Sends pictures of the “good times”, tells me I can’t survive on my own, bribes with money, tries to keep the kids from me or take the car, pretends like he’s worried about me, blah, blah, blah. I’m NEVER GOING BACK AGAIN!!!
38) Personality flips.
39) Stalking me through fb, dating sites, email
40) After the big discard, he came to my place 3 days later at 6am. He said he drove past the night before & saw that my car wasn’t there & couldn’t believe that I could go out after our breakup. Said he was so depressed about it. I wouldn’t let him in. Told him he needed therapy. He said he’d only go if it was as a couple. He refused to leave til I threatened to call his mother. A week later I was worried about him & called to check on him. We tried to be friends for a few weeks & it didn’t work. He started giving me the silent treatment so I backed off. Got back on the dating app we met on & he was there. I swiped right just to see if he had done the same & he had. I sent a message saying how I hoped he was OK & that I still cared for his wellbeing. He replied “I know” then blocked me! Months later, he sent me pics of stuff he grew in his garden. I didn’t reply & have been NC since. The other one uses our child saying we should be a family.
41) The very last Hoover attempt was a text from a random number that said “there is a guy standing next to me and he wants me to tell you this:I am sorry for the last hurtful thing I said to you. The very last thing (he said you would know what that is). And I forgive you for all the horrible hurtful things you have done to me.” I wrote back “cool story bro.” And blocked the number. I knew he was home with his wife when that text was sent
42) Right now, he knows I have this RV that I bought after the divorce that is a fixer-upper. I need help, he’s offering his services on the regular basis. I told him it’s too painful to be around him this early after the divorce, he said he understood but he would text me in the morning to see if I wanted his help.
43) Sending me untrue or nasty text messages to get me to defend myself so I respond.
44) I’ve had some weird ones…the offer of a trip to Bali with her, happy birthday wishes that are a few days late, emails and messages to sort out stuff that doesn’t need anything done. The last year or so its been joining meetup groups im in. Lately its been rsvp to meetups im attending. No sign of the simplest way…a simple offer to talk.
45) Mine never gifted me anything but once, after a ‘disappearing’ episode of 5 days he returned and simply handed me a large block of warm, semi-melted Cadbury’s chocolate, opened with a chunk taken from it. Awesome.
46) He uses my address for his junk mail.
47) STILL stalking me after 13 years. He and his current wife of 11 years know every move I make, they have people watching me, they use excuses to try to be in touch with my boss, I’ve blocked them & their families on FB and they will “casually” ask my FB “friends” to strike conversation to gain information. I have NOTHING to hide and I have NOTHING to share with them… I’ve learned to accept their behavior and there’s NOTHING I can do to prevent or stop it. The community has come to realize what they are and as I said I have nothing to hide and the TRUTH ALWAYS PREVAILS and their day of reckoning will come… KARMA WILL meet them head on SOMEDAY SOMEWAY they deserve NONE of my attention!
48) Dinner and sex, or a trip to the museum and Sex, and cuddling, always when hoovering asks how Jeannie is, (her Name for my Vagina)
49) Love bombing till it didn’t work then he would get mad and threaten me. He then showed up at my parents’ house high as a kite. And called the cops on me! He would send me money or sweet messages and then when he didn’t get the reaction he wanted he would flip out.
50) He promised me he was willing to come back to me after I caught him having an affair because he realized how important family was. He promised me he would stop calling her. He was sweet, pretended like he cared about our new backyard by putting the furniture together and making dinner on the new bbq. Agreed to go to therapy with me. All the while he got a second phone to call his NS and was sleeping with her at some sleazy motel after work hours. He was just hovering me to keep me from finding out more and from threatening to take him and her down from their careers. and he kept reminding me that if he came back to me, it would be all about him and his needs. He was so confused and out of sorts. Eventually, I asked him to leave after 4 months of that second round of torture. He was unfaithful and dishonest. I can’t accept his betrayal any longer.
51) I’ve been no contact one year tomorrow. A couple of weeks ago I get a text from mstbx that says ‘what happened?’ I haven’t answered one email all this time. Why would he think I would answer a random email now?
52) He keeps asking me out to dinner (I say no)- and today he showed up at my work unannounced to have lunch with me, even though I wouldn’t tell him what time my lunch was.
53) They suck all the meaningful times and “fluff” out of conversations, memories and time spent together. They focus on the major points at hand. Mostly the negative. Their vacuums are pre-set to their own level of clean up. My narc with tell some of the truth “sucking” out the important party. Like yes, you did go to the Mall but you forgot the fact you were with another girl… Or yes, you do love me but you enjoy hurting me more. They have the verbal hoover suck!!!!
54) Using emails – he knew I wasn’t reading them because I did not respond so he would put his words in the subject line with an empty email. When the judge during the restraining order court saw that he was very mad and saw his harassment in the email title.
55) My ex had me constantly ‘put’ in the relationship by suggesting every now and then, that we could spend the rest of our retired lives in his village- home, which he knew I always loved. (I am sure that’s hoovering). In all the 27 years of our marriage he had lived in my house, off my status and earning. I showed him the door the day his Narc-mom declared she was selling off the property to give her son all of the money. I knew that day that our children and I had never been a part of their family at all.
56) When narc mum alive she sent some money to me to try and buy me back. Then she posted stuff about a new Buddhist temple being built near home to attract me to see her! One ex narc male friend bought me a Tia Maria then wrote on a piece of paper at the table: ” When will I get in your knickers then?’!!
57) He’d take himself off somewhere for some “Distance and perspective on the situation “. Aka, probably grooming an NS or ex with a pity play. Then he’d tell me how I was his perfect friend and lover and the love of his life. So back I’d go again. I think eventually this was a cut and paste job by him. I’ve got the last ( not responded to) hoover but, unfortunately deleted all the others. Pretty sure they were all the same 🙂
58) I hadn’t talked to him for several months, he ignored me, then he messaged me on Facebook late one night asking me to come to his place asking for sexual favors! I said No, and after that he discarded me!
59) My ex narc used to try and hack into my bank/PayPal accounts too
60) Quick hang-ups with “cloned” phone numbers.
61) When the ‘nice’ Hoover’s didn’t work he got nasty. When nasty didn’t work he filed for legal separation (you can only do that after living apart for a year here which is why I hadn’t done it). This was supposed to make me realize the error of my ways and make me go running back…..nope, I just got the legal separation sooner than I would have hoped originally. 🙂
62) wanting me to accompany him on trips to exotic locales. No thanks narc.
63) Ringing on unknown numbers which I didn’t answer trying to facetime on an unrecognized number. I don’t answer unrecognized numbers, if there was no message or voicemail. I blocked the numbers that went on for about 6 months I ignored like a boss ❤️
64) Hoovered 3 times successfully and 1 time unsuccessfully so here are a few:
Left me chocolate and a note at my desk at work.
Contacted me through text email Google hangout fb and work email and work phone. Basically, every way to contact me possible.
Asked mutual acquaintances about me.
Showed up at my home.
Played the poor me card “I’m in a bad place. I need you.”
Drove by my house multiple times
Drove by my bus stop when I’d be going to work multiple times.
Showed up at my work. At my desk.
Emailed me basically “nagging” me. Telling me I’m so ugly and no one wants me except him.
Created fake fb profiles to try communicate with me.
Telling me I’m the only one for him and he loves me so much and he realizes it now and he’ll be better and he will never hurt me again if only i would give him another (3rd) chance.
Bleh! So exhausting!!!
65) After 22 years of hearing the same hoovering Maneuvers over and over it’s actually comical. “I will change I will be the husband I was always supposed to be for you I will be everything that you’ve always wanted and deserve I will be….
66-127 In video
Angela Atkinson is a Certified Life Coach and the author of more than 20 books on narcissism, narcissistic abuse recovery and related topics. A recognized expert on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder who has studied and written extensively on narcissistic relationships since 2006, Atkinson was inspired to begin her work as a result of having survived toxic relationships of her own.
Atkinson offers trauma-informed coaching and has certifications in life coaching, level 2 therapeutic model, CBT coaching, integrative wellness coaching, and NLP. She is a certified trauma support coach and certified family trauma professional. She also has a professional PTSD counseling certification. Her mission is to help those who have experienced the emotional and mental devastation that comes with narcissistic abuse in these incredibly toxic relationships to (re)discover their true selves, stop the gaslighting and manipulation and move forward into their genuine desires – into a life that is exactly what they choose for themselves.
Along with her solution-focused life coaching experience, Atkinson’s previous career in journalism and research helps her to offer both accurate and understandable information for survivors of abuse in a simple-to-understand way that helps to increase awareness in the narcissistic abuse recovery community. Atkinson founded QueenBeeing.com Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support, the SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups and the Life Makeover Academy. In her life coaching practice, Atkinson’s clients enjoy her personalized approach that allows and encourages them to become the best possible versions of themselves and to succeed in doing what they love most. She offers individual and group coaching for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse at NarcissisticAbuseRecovery.Online and NarcissismSupportCoach.com.