Why Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse Feel They Don’t Deserve Nice Things

Why Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse Feel They Don’t Deserve Nice Things

Originally Posted Nov. 12, 2009

“We cannot achieve more in life than what we believe in our heart of hearts we deserve to have.” ~ James R. Ball

Just the other day, after a minor plumbing incident, I went to the hardware store to pick up a new faucet. As I looked over the merchandise and carefully considered my choices, I instinctively looked for the cheapest and most basic option.

Now, understand, what I really wanted was a shiny and pretty candy-cane shaped faucet with an assortment of fancy handles to choose from. Still, a part of me (maybe the part that still thinks I’m 22 and broke as a joke) kept telling me no, all I deserved was the basic functional faucet. And, that evil little part of me insisted, I didn’t even REALLY deserve that. Maybe if I’d taken better care of the old one, it wouldn’t have broken in the first place.

Well, after standing there arguing with myself for a few minutes, I realized that I deserve the faucet I want in my kitchen. I can afford it, and it will last longer than the cheap piece of crap I’ve bought three times in the last six years. And, let me repeat, I deserve it. I’m worth it. It’s a freaking faucet, for goodness’ sake.

So I did it. I bought the pretty faucet, and I brought it home and helped my husband install it.

Let me tell you, every time I go into that kitchen, get myself a glass of water–make coffee–or even do dishes (gasp!), every time, that shiny faucet makes me remember that I’m fabulous and that I deserve the things I want in my life. And I smile to myself.

So guess what? Those few extra bucks were an investment–in myself. Not just because I did something nice for myself, and not just because of its silvery awesomeness. It was an investment in myself because, without realizing it, I’ve given myself a physical reminder to affirm my self worth several times a day.

I didn’t always know I deserved nice things.

Unfortunately, it gets far more serious than faucets, folks. Growing up in a toxic family situation, I was taught that I did not deserve the “good things.” And even when I’d worked to earn the money I needed to have the good things, somehow I felt guilty for buying the things I wanted. The mindset of lack was ingrained in me from early childhood. It wasn’t until I met my current husband, who inadvertently taught me I deserved to have nice things.

My point? When we’ve been raised by toxic people and then dealt with narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships, we can have a serious case of diminished self-worth, to put it mildly. And nearly always, our feelings of inadequacy can be detrimental to our lives, including our physical and mental health and overall well-being.

My challenge to you today is to do something nice for yourself. Maybe try something you don’t normally do because you don’t feel like you’re worth it. Get a massage, read a new book, take a candle-lit bubble bath – whatever turns you on. Just be sure that while you enjoy your gift to yourself, you remind yourself that you deserve it. Love yourself. You’re worth it!

If you are struggling to end or get over a relationship with a narcissist, you’ve come to the right place. Start your recovery here.

Not sure? Take this toxic relationship self-assessment and find out if you are dealing with a narcissist in a toxic relationship. 

Why Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse Feel They Don’t Deserve Nice Things

Changing Your Mind, One Thank You at a Time

So this morning, I woke up an hour later than I’d planned. Then, as I was trying to make coffee, I realized that my feet were getting wet. It turned out that a hose under the kitchen sink was split and water was spraying everywhere.

All I could think about was the fact that I had SOOOOO much to do today and this was going to mean having to put off things that mattered to me. I had deadlines to meet, laundry to do…kids to love, home to clean.

It figured, I thought. It was going to be one of those days. (Stink thinking, people. Read on.)

As usual, my mind started racing, coming up with possible solutions. I could go to the hardware store after I got the boys on their respective buses…but then I didn’t know if I could replace the stupid thing myself. I mean, I’m not a freaking plumber, right?? Speaking of plumbers, should I call one?

No, the hubs knows how to do it. Why bother the plumber?

Then, I remembered that he’d gone into work super early this morning and would be working all day. I didn’t want him to have to spend his evening replacing the plumbing. So, I tried to repair the hose myself. Without the proper supplies, it didn’t work out so well.

I won’t bore you with any more of my plumbing woes, but let me just say this. As annoyed became upset and upset became super-freaking-stressed–I suddenly realized it.

My perspective was completely askew. Here I was, in my safe and beautiful home, a healthy woman with an amazing and healthy family–bitching because I had to reschedule my fabulous (yes, even though laundry and housework were planned–still fabulous) day.

Yeah, that was a wake up call.

Instead of feeling angry and upset with this unplanned situation, I decided to change my mind. It’s really all in one’s perspective.

So, instead of dwelling on the things I’d planned to do, I will focus on the fact that I can afford to drive my car to the store and purchase the new faucet and hoses. That is a gift, and I’m grateful for it.

Instead of complaining that I now have to “get ready” (y’all know I don’t go anywhere in public without looking good), I am grateful that I have running water, a hair dryer and a high-end hair straightener. 😉

Instead of being upset about any of it, I am grateful that I have the means, the health and the ability to get this problem solved. I am grateful for my life–because, really, in the grand scheme of it all–it rocks.

As Carlos Castenada once said, “The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.”

I know this to be true: when you feel stressed, sad, upset or angry–gratitude is the answer.

Take a minute and look around your life. You have a lot for which to be grateful. Take a moment and be so–really feel that gratitude. Let it wash over you. The results will surprise and impress you–suddenly everything seems better, do-able.

So here’s my challenge for you today. It’s a simple one really–change your perspective. Decide that whatever you deal with will be a breeze today, and remember to keep your mind in a state of gratitude as you go about your day.

I’ll bet you’ll find that you feel a sense of peace throughout your day. What do you think?

This post was originally published on InPursuitofFulfillment.com. If found anywhere else, this content is illegally copied and should be reported.
Why Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse Feel They Don’t Deserve Nice Things

If It Makes You Happy…Do It Right NOW!

Happiness is elusive for many people. Whether it’s due to dealing with every day stresses or something more significant, most of us could find something to frown about if we wanted to.

Certain groups even promote unhappiness among their members in the form of “self sacrifice.” The idea, they say, is that sacrificing one’s own happiness in life will make for a better afterlife.

Pat Nixon (pictured on TIME Magazine, right), wife of former president Richard Nixon once said, “I have sacrificed everything in my life that I consider precious in order to advance the political career of my husband.”

I respectfully disagree with this idea. In fact, I think it sucks. Think about it. Do you think Mrs. Nixon could have been truly happy?

In support of her husband’s ultimate goal, she chose to sacrifice herself and her own happiness.

This is something that many of us do without even realizing it. We set goals for ourselves (or choose to help others achieve theirs.) This is good…but then, we unconsciously put off our own happiness during our pursuit of the goal.

We think that we’ll be happy when we meet our goals–and in truth, while there is usually a brief period of euphoria after we meet goals, ultimately, many people find themselves seeking the next big thing before they’ve had a moment to enjoy their success. Then, of course, the cycle starts again.

So how do we break it?

Take some advice from Romanian author and composer J. Donald Walters.

“Happiness is not a brilliant climax to years of grim struggle and anxiety,” he said. “It is a long succession of little decisions simply to be happy in the moment.”

Guess what? If you’re unhappy, you’ve chosen to be so. And, by feeling miserable, you’re drawing more of that to yourself. But that’s great news!

Why? Because, you can change it. It’s simple. All you have to do is make the choice to be happy, right now, this moment. You have to choose it. Regardless of your current circumstances, find that place within yourself called happy and spend a little time there. Smile, even if you don’t feel like it. It works wonders, I promise.

My challenge for you today is to choose to be simply happy for two full minutes. Just decide you’re happy, and feel it. Don’t let yourself stress or think any negative thoughts during those two minutes. Laugh, smile or jump up and down. Whatever works for you–just keep those thoughts happy. Carry that feeling with you throughout the rest of the day.

Next time, we’ll discuss the secrets of truly happy people.

This post was originally published on InPursuitofFulfillment.com. If found anywhere else, this content is illegally copied and should be reported.
If It Makes You Happy…Do It Right NOW!

If It Makes You Happy…Do It Right NOW!

Happiness is elusive for many people. Whether it’s due to dealing with every day stresses or something more significant, most of us could find something to frown about if we wanted to.

Certain groups even promote unhappiness among their members in the form of “self sacrifice.” The idea, they say, is that sacrificing one’s own happiness in life will make for a better afterlife.

Pat Nixon (pictured on TIME Magazine, right), wife of former president Richard Nixon once said, “I have sacrificed everything in my life that I consider precious in order to advance the political career of my husband.”

I respectfully disagree with this idea. In fact, I think it sucks. Think about it. Do you think Mrs. Nixon could have been truly happy?

In support of her husband’s ultimate goal, she chose to sacrifice herself and her own happiness.

This is something that many of us do without even realizing it. We set goals for ourselves (or choose to help others achieve theirs.) This is good…but then, we unconsciously put off our own happiness during our pursuit of the goal.

We think that we’ll be happy when we meet our goals–and in truth, while there is usually a brief period of euphoria after we meet goals, ultimately, many people find themselves seeking the next big thing before they’ve had a moment to enjoy their success. Then, of course, the cycle starts again.

So how do we break it?

Take some advice from Romanian author and composer J. Donald Walters.

“Happiness is not a brilliant climax to years of grim struggle and anxiety,” he said. “It is a long succession of little decisions simply to be happy in the moment.”

Guess what? If you’re unhappy, you’ve chosen to be so. And, by feeling miserable, you’re drawing more of that to yourself. But that’s great news!

Why? Because, you can change it. It’s simple. All you have to do is make the choice to be happy, right now, this moment. You have to choose it. Regardless of your current circumstances, find that place within yourself called happy and spend a little time there. Smile, even if you don’t feel like it. It works wonders, I promise.

My challenge for you today is to choose to be simply happy for two full minutes. Just decide you’re happy, and feel it. Don’t let yourself stress or think any negative thoughts during those two minutes. Laugh, smile or jump up and down. Whatever works for you–just keep those thoughts happy. Carry that feeling with you throughout the rest of the day.

Next time, we’ll discuss the secrets of truly happy people.

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