Boredom in Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

Boredom in Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

Sometimes in narcissistic abuse recovery, we find ourselves feeling bored when life calms down. See, being with a narcissist means you’re always dealing with drama and stress, which kind of drives your neurotransmitters crazy – as in, the abuse and trauma you suffer at the hands of your abuser literally change the way your brain works.

This, for some survivors of narcissistic abuse, leads to a bit of a dopamine deficit, which can lead to depression. Depression can often leave you feeling lifeless – and after all the ups and downs of the toxic relationship you’ve been living in, the lack of drama can literally become…sort of lackluster…leaving you feeling plain old bored. Does any of that sound familiar to you? If so, you might be interested in taking this online depression test (it’s free).

But either way, how exactly do you deal with boredom in narcissistic abuse recovery?

Managing Boredom in Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

First of all, let me be clear. If you’re bored and you’re not feeling lifeless and depressed, it’s possible that you need to consider getting back out there and living your life again Maybe you’ve done enough of the healing and, dare I suggest it? Maybe you’re ready to date? If you’re not sure, you can take this quiz to find out.

But, if you’re not quite up to getting back into the dating pool, or if your toxic relationship was not a spouse or partner, there are a lot of things you can do to manage and even eliminate excessive boredom in recovery. Whether you’re occasionally frustrated by standard stuff – such as finding out that your flight is delayed or you’re barely staying awake through each workday, you can retrain your brain to prevent boredom – or, at the least, learn a few coping skills to minimize it.

Are you feeling stuck or trapped?

Sometimes the thing that’s keeping us from living our best life is just that we feel trapped. You may not even know why it is you feel this way, but you know you’re not where you want to be. The key to getting unstuck is to take stock of your life, your wants, your goals, and your values. You can’t find a way out of the trap if you don’t understand what’s holding you back and where you want to go. So, let’s take a look at some ways you can widen your perspective in order to get unstuck. It’s not that difficult once you get started.

What’s your ‘why?’

Why are you doing what you’re doing? Really, ask yourself that question. To figure it out, think about why it is you want to make some change in your life. What is driving you? Then figure out the type of change you may wish to make. What do you want to be, do, have, or achieve? Take time to examine your deepest feelings and fears in order to determine what it is you may desire. What do you really, really want? What is the purpose you want your life to have? Then brainstorm some ways you might attain that purpose in order to begin living differently. Remember, you don’t have to know everything all at once. Taking small steps can make a big difference.

What scares you?

You’ve got to face your fears in narcissistic abuse recovery, and once you do, you can become fearless! And you know what they say – once you’re fearless, you’re also powerful. (I believe that was Mary Shelley in the book Frankenstein who wrote, “I am fearless, therefore powerful,” one of my favorite quotes!).

Understand that there will be fear and uncertainty in this process. That’s probably why you haven’t undertaken it before now. It’s scary to think about moving forward in a new direction. Even though a rut may be uncomfortable, it’s what you know, and it feels safe. You’ll need to acknowledge and face your fears in order to make change.

What can you do differently?

It can help to switch things up! Ask yourself, what can you change right now? Remember, though, baby steps are always an option. Start practicing by doing something small to switch things up on a regular basis, maybe even every day. Drive a new way home from work. Sign up for a class that interests you. Talk to someone you see on a regular basis but have never approached before. You’ll soon see that stepping outside your routine doesn’t have to be so scary.

Are you listening to your gut?

Your intuition is your friend, and during narcissistic abuse, you may have learned to stop listening to it. You’ll need to really get to know yourself again if you want to leave your comfort zone. Typically, doing so involves making waves among the people you know. When you make big changes in your own life, those things tend to affect the people who are close to you. They may not always be supportive. Therefore, it’s important that you listen to your instincts and know yourself well when you set out to leave your rut behind. Doing so will help you to prepare for any resistance you encounter from others and from yourself.

What are your triggers?

You’ve got to identify your triggers here. I’m talking about your boredom triggers, in this case. So, what triggers you to get bored? Jobs that are too hard or too easy can bore you because your mind starts to wander. You have difficulty concentrating and you want to do something else. Once you know what sets you off, you can create solutions like playing music while you vacuum the stairs or rewarding yourself with a frozen yogurt after you complete your expense reports.

What’s your body telling you?

Body language is more powerful than you might think. They say you can change your feelings by changing the way you hold your body. It’s true, in my experience. So give it a shot! Look in a mirror. Are you slouching? Are you frowning? You know what to do. Smiling and sitting up straight will liven you up instantly.

What can you stop doing?

Prioritize and delegate your responsibilities where possible. Stop doing stuff that doesn’t interest you for a couple of (planned) days. Take a weekend and rest – or do something crazy and fun. And hey – maybe you can eliminate some of the chores that make you yawn. See how much your dry cleaner charges for hemming pants or other simple tailoring. Order groceries online instead of spending your weekends in overcrowded supermarkets.

What is your personality type?

Understanding your personality can help you to remain safe and happy while you seek excitement. Here’s something fun to do! Take the Myers-Briggs Test and see what your personality type happens to be – you can do so for free at this website. (Note: this is not a sponsored link – I just really like that website and recommend it to my clients often. It has been highly accurate for pretty much everyone I know who has tried it!)

What’s happening in your head?

Mindfulness is a powerful tool. It’s sort of like intentional vibration management, and it can really help you to build up your self-awareness. Practice monitoring your feelings and describing them. It’s the first step to accepting them. Let go of expectations. Appreciate the present moment without rehashing your last conflict at the office or anticipating how slow rush hour traffic will be. These are behaviors you may have sort of forgotten during your narcissistic abuse due to your sole focus being on pleasing the narcissist for so long. You kind of lost yourself, right? Mindfulness can be one powerful tool in your healing.

What do you enjoy doing?

One of the most difficult parts about feeling bored is that often, the stuff that bores you is also the stuff you have to do every day. If you want to improve your focus, you need to strengthen your ability to concentrate. You can start to do that by finding ways to enjoy yourself more often. So, to start, you can look around and find activities that give you a flow experience where time just sort of flies by. Schedule it if you have to! And then get a little timer (or ask your Alexa to time you) and tackle the most tedious jobs against the clock. Make a game of it. It really does make the boring stuff less boring – sometimes, anyway.

What should you slow down on doing?

Going out with friends, dancing, and partying can be a fun way to feel less bored, But it is also a fun way to find yourself looking down the barrel of a massive and dangerous addiction. One of the most common reasons survivors of narcissistic abuse find themselves dealing with addiction is that after the end of their toxic relationships is boredom and/or a need to numb out from the pain of the grief they won’t allow themselves to feel. And, speaking of grief…

Have you mourned the relationship? 

See, even though narcissistic abuse is horrible and traumatic, you still need to grieve the relationship, despite what most people think. You still spent a good portion of your life with this person as part of your normal. That is not something you can just “get over,” regardless of how toxic it was. You have to mourn the relationship you thought you were getting into – the person you thought you were signing up for – if you’re ever going to heal. But you don’t want to find yourself in the grip of addiction before you do – so be careful and remember that the downside of sensation seeking is that you may put yourself at risk for overeating, drinking too much, drug abuse, gambling, or other excesses. Think before you surrender to impulses so you’ll make constructive choices. Or at the very least, be intentional about how often you’re “numbing out.”

Most of all, just take some action. Each step will become easier as you go and will build upon the last. Keep going. Follow your plan, and you’ll figure out the details as you go along.

Where can you find support?

Don’t try to do it all alone. Surround yourself with supportive family and friends you can trust. And join a support group if you need someone who gets where you’ve been. Here are some resources to help you find support in your own narcissistic abuse recovery.

What matters to you?

What’s your purpose? Engaging in meaningful activities fights fatigue and increases your satisfaction with life. Ask yourself how your profession or your hobbies contribute to your health and wellbeing. Maybe you could use a little focus on finding or indulging your passion? (Here’s my free “Passion Planner” to help you out a little!)

How much screen time are you allowing yourself?

Limiting screen time can be a huge help when it comes to overcoming boredom. It won’t hurt you to step away from the screens for an hour or two a day, at least. Some experts speculate that hours of scrolling Instagram and Netflix binges may interfere with our ability to entertain ourselves. Take a break from the computer each day to play the piano or bake a cake. Or go outside and breathe a little, you know.

How stressed are you?

If you’re feeling overly stressed, you might need to loosen up a little. By definition, boredom is a state of arousal. If you can feel at home with a little downtime, those intervals cease to be boring. Read a good book that’ll help you in your narcissistic abuse recovery – here are our favorites. And start rethinking stuff that used to annoy you – maybe a shift in perspective is all you need. For example, you could think of a long commute or an evening without a date as an opportunity to relax and do something creative instead of feeling trapped.

Related Resources for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

 

My Two Cents: Would You Date A Married Man?

My Two Cents: Would You Date A Married Man?

“There’s so many different ways to cheat. People think infidelity is the way to cheat. I think it’s sometimes far worse to emotionally cheat on somebody.” ~Sandra Bullock

Let me ask you something: Would You Date A Married Man?

would you date a married manAccording to a report from FoxNews,  something like 70 percent of married men have supposedly admitted to cheating on their wives – and in another study, two-thirds of the wives NEVER KNEW about the affairs. Shocked? So was I. 

So, who’s dating these married guys? Are you?

It’s Shocking!

This question is all over social media.

Would You Date A Married Man?

My qMarried... with Childrenuestion to those who would or who have: How can you date a married man?

Seriously, isn’t he already dating his WIFE? The woman he married? The (maybe) mother of his kid(s)?

What kind of woman DOES that? 

Most people might agree and some might disagree, but when you are married,you take something called VOWS.

Okay? And with those VOWS you promise for better or worse, for richer or poorer, through sickness and in health. To love and to cherish, til death do us part.

So maybe we don’t say specifically “to not date other women,” but there’s something in there about being faithful to one another in mind and body.

Come on, people! One of the most leading cause of divorce today is infidelity.

Why do men cheat? A 2005 study found that married men cheat on their wives for surprising reasons:

  • Dissatisfaction or “general unhappiness” is NOT correlated with marriage infidelity.
  • Sexual dissatisfaction IS. The higher your husband is satisfied sexually, the lesser he is likely to cheat on you.
  • Lower self esteem and personal issues are likely to encourage infidelity.

You can cheat-proof your marriage. Learn How to Be a Hot Wife.

In my opinion, you can’t date a man that should already be dating his WIFE. Live with that. 

What do YOU think?

That’s my two cents. Share yours in the comments section, below. 

 

 

My Two Cents: What Do You Add To Your Coffee?

My Two Cents: What Do You Add To Your Coffee?

 

Editor’s Note: Please welcome the lovely and talented Angela Henry to our QueenBeeing team! Please enjoy her first edition of her new column, My Two Cents with Angela Henry. 

“Coffee is a language in itself.” ~Jackie Chan

Did you know that Americans consume 400 million cups of coffee per day, equivalent to 146 billion cups of coffee per year? That equals about 382 cups a day – and more than 80 percent of American adults drink it. 

It’s true. That makes us Americans the leading consumers of coffee – in the entire world! And three quarters of the caffeine that we consume is straight up Joe.  how do you take your coffee

So, tell me! What do you add to your coffee? Most people would say cream, sugar or milk. Some even take it black.

Some don’t even drink coffee at all in the morning. The new age of waking up in the morning consists of a lot of fruit smoothies or simple energy shakes.

My Two Cents

Well, for me coffee is not my choice in the morning. I prefer sometimes a little  more pick me up in the AM, wine is my choice of morning drink.

How ever you get your day started is up to you. But I do put my wine in a coffee cup. Does that count? 

Just my two cents. Leave yours in the comments section, below. 

Hack Your Health: 13 Crucial Ways to Get Better Results From Your Doctor

Hack Your Health: 13 Crucial Ways to Get Better Results From Your Doctor

How do you feel about your doctor? If you’ve ever felt uneasy or like you don’t matter to your physician, you know that sometimes it’s just not a good fit. 

But your health is literally the most important commodity you have. If you expect to get proper medical care and learn how to follow through on your doctor’s recommendations, you’ve got to have open ldv1954050ines of communication, and you need to find a doc who has the kind of “bedside manner” that works best for you. 

Of course, that’s not always as easy as it sounds.

What’s New in Primary Care Visits?

Across the board, cuts are routinely made in order to service more patients with less resources. These days, your time with your doc is precious – she’ll probably see you for 15 minutes or less, and electronic records are replacing some of the discussion that used to occur face to face.

On top of that, there may be strong emotions and embarrassment that go along with any disturbing symptoms, especially if you’re not really comfortable saying what you need to say to this person. 

As a patient, you can and should learn to talk with your doctor more effectively – especially if you want to take the best possible care of yourself (and you DO, trust me!).

With that in mind, try these suggestions for choosing a physician you’ll feel comfortable with, and with whom you can easily communicate.

How to Choose the Best Doctor for You – 4 Essential Tips

1. Check social media. Take a look at your doctor’s Twitter feed or Facebook page for a preview that may suggest their personality and approach. Many health professionals use social media to educate their patients and answer common questions.

2. Evaluate online ratings. Internet services are now rating pediatricians as well as restaurants, and the criteria usually includes being friendly and easy to talk with. Just remember that these are opinions rather than facts. You may want to consult additional sources like referrals from friends and other health care providers.

3. Focus on the team. Pay attention to how your doctor interacts with colleagues as well as you. Some studies suggest that up to 80% of serious medical errors are caused by miscommunications between caregivers.

4. Take action. Most of all look for a physician who encourages your engagement. Do they speak with you respectfully and value your input?

9 Necessary Notes on Communicating with Your Doctor

1. Set priorities. Given how short doctor visits are today, ensure you squeeze in the main issues before you leave. Focus on your back pain instead of trying to deal with a whole laundry list of experiences.

2. Volunteer information. Your doctor may be as hesitant as you to bring up sensitive subjects like losing weight or quitting smoking. Share any details that could be relevant to receiving the treatment you need.

3. Ask questions. More than 65% of medical schools now teach communications, but some practitioners still tend to speak in lectures. Asking questions creates a discussion and clarifies your concerns.

4. Sum it up. Restating what your doctor said is an effective way to show whether you really understood each other. Try giving a quick recap before you walk out the door.

5. Start a journal. Keeping a journal can help you to think straight when you’re dealing with complicated medical information and strong emotions. Write down your symptoms and any events you want to talk about.

6. Take notes. Jot down what your doctor tells you. Use a notepad or your phone. Some practitioners may even let you record the sessions.

7. Accept uncertainty. Encourage your doctor to be candid by letting them know that you can handle the truth. You may be able to avoid unnecessary tests and prescriptions that are unlikely to provide clear cut answers or significant relief.

8. Discuss risks. Most procedures have risks as well as benefits. Be polite but firm about needing to hear the full picture.

9. Bring support. If you’re nervous about going to the doctor’s office alone, take along someone you trust like your spouse or a friend. Patient advocates can also facilitate discussions between you and your doctor. Your employer may have an employee assistance program or you can contact groups like the American Cancer Society.

Skillful communications can turn you into an engaged patient who makes sound health decisions for you and your family. When you’re knowledgeable, assertive, and courteous, you help your doctor to provide you with the best quality care possible.

Shocker! Research proves that being hot makes men be nicer to you

Shocker! Research proves that being hot makes men be nicer to you

“There’s a difference between beauty and charm. A beautiful woman is one I notice. A charming woman is one who notices me.” ~John Erskine

men nicr to hot womenLadies, I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The good news? I was right all along. The bad news? Well…that I was right all along. 

I’d like to say that it’s big. shocking news – but I think it’s safe to say that not a single one of us is surprised.

This news isn’t just something I’ve discovered or dreamed up myself (though, to be fair, I’ve been painfully aware of it for the majority of my life, whether consciously or not).

See, after I lost 100 pounds and sort of “took back my life,” I found myself being treated a lot differently by literally everyone in my life, but most especially by men.

After conducting my own research and based on my own experiences, I’ve become so convinced of the reason that I’ve actually written several books on the subject.

So yeah, I’ve known it for awhile, and I suspect you would have too, if you ever took a minute to notice it. But this time, it’s backed by science and to me, that kind of thing deserves our notice – and if we’re smart, we can use it to our advantage.

So what’s the big discovery?

Men are more likely to be nice to attractive women. This goes for everyone from strangers to their spouses.

I know, you’re shocked. I’d be surprised if you hadn’t just fallen out of your chair. (Yeah, that’s a touch of sarcasm – hard to detect tone in text sometimes!).

The Science of Attraction

The study, entitled “The undermining effect of facial attractiveness on brain responses to fairness in the Ultimatum Game,” had some rather interesting (if not surprising) findings.

Published in the Frontiers in Neuroscience journal, it found that men are far more likely to accept “unfair offers” from women they consider to be attractive.

So what does that mean, exactly?

Politically correct or not, it means one thing specifically: that men definitely do treat hot women better

According to the study’s authors, “the male subjects played responders who decided whether to accept offers from female proposers, whose facial images (grouped as ‘attractive’ and ‘unattractive’) were presented prior to the offer presentation.”

“The behavioral data demonstrated that the acceptance ratio increased with the fairness level of the offers and, more importantly, the subjects were more likely to accept unfair offers when presented with the attractive-face condition compared with the unattractive-face condition,” researchers added.

While they found that it took longer on average for the men to respond to the women they considered attractive, one rsearcher remarked that it was likely due to the fact that they spent more time enjoying the more attractive faces. In the end, they determined the simple fact that men are more likely to do nice things and accept less fair compensation from beautiful women than from those they found unattractive.

In summary, the authors offfered the following.

to be a hot wife cover“…the “beauty premium” influenced responder fairness during the Ultimate Game . Unfair offers from attractive female allocators were more acceptable to the male subjects, and the males presented with fluctuating reaction times to the five offers in comparison with a stable reaction pattern in the unattractive-face condition. The event-related potentials data supported the behavioral findings. ”

Psst…good news – you don’t have to be born sexy to become sexy! Want to be the sexiest possible version of yourself? Check out How to Be a Hot Wife – that’s where I reveal all of my sexy secrets and teach you how to use them for yourself. <3

So what do you think about all of this? Does it make you angry, or do you get it? Have you personally experienced a difference? Let’s discuss it – leave me a comment below to share your thoughts!

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