Narcissistic Abuse Recovery:  10-Step Plan to Take Back Control of Your Life

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: 10-Step Plan to Take Back Control of Your Life

“Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson10 steps to taking back your life

So, you found yourself involved with a toxic narcissist, and before you knew it, you were fully enmeshed and dealing with the full spectrum of mental and emotional abuse that is so common of a narc.

By now, you’ve realized that chances for the narcissist to change and become a less damaged version of him/her self is unlikely – maybe even impossible.

Whether you’re still working on a way to get out or you’ve already left, you’ve got a long road ahead of you when it comes to recovery. One of the biggest hurdles is sort of “reprogramming your brain” in order to let go of the poisonous thoughts and beliefs that the narc’s emotional and mental  torture have almost certainly left behind.

It’s time to empower yourself!

When you were actively engaging with the narcissist, you probably eventually stopped trying to make choices of your own. That’s because by doing so, you may have found yourself the victim of added gaslighting and other kinds of covert abuse – maybe even less than covert. 

But now that you’ve left, or are planning to leave, you’ve got to learn to choose your own path – and that can begin by simply deciding what you want and then taking the steps you want to get there – simple as that.

Still, when things don’t go your way, do you know how to deal? Can you cope with the hard times on your own?

Ask yourself this: When life isn’t going your way, do you empower yourself to make improvements?

Most people are great at getting themselves worked up into a state that’s anything but empowering, and when you’ve been abused by a narcissist, the effects of PTSD can become overwhelming. When things get challenging, we need all of our resources if we’re really going to turn things around.

We all have the power to overcome our negative thinking and emotions. And we all have the power to bring about positive change in our lives.

As you go about your recovery process, there are some really simple steps you can take that will help you to regain some control over your life.

1. Be assertive. Because we’ve been abused by these toxic people, many of us have become too passive to ever accomplish anything significant. I’ve learned the hard way that sometimes you have to declare what you want. Sometimes you have to say ‘no’ to others. You don’t have to be selfish, but there’s nothing wrong with making a decision and then making it happen.

2. Make a list of your 10 greatest strengths. Now think of ways that you can leverage them to your advantage. If you’re going to take back control of your life quickly, you’ll probably need your strengths to accomplish it.

3. It’s also worthwhile to think about your 10 greatest weaknesses. These are commonly the things that get us into trouble. What you can do to reduce the impact of your weaknesses?

4. Stop making excuses. Excuses limit you and prevent you from taking charge of the situation. If you can take responsibility, you can change the situation. Excuses give you a justification for being passive. If you believe that something is outside of your control, you also believe that you can’t do anything to change it.

5. Get more sleep. Most people simply don’t sleep enough to be at their best. Studies have shown that most people experience improved mood, clarity of thought, and increased energy if they increase their sleep by one hour per night. Turn off the TV and go to bed an hour earlier.

6. Do the most important things first. Spend the first hour or two each morning on the most important tasks you have for the day. Your focus and energy will be at their greatest.

7. Decide which area of your life would have the greatest impact if improved. Focus on the one area of your life that will make the biggest difference. If you’re already making $1 million a year, making more money probably isn’t going to have a great impact on your life.

8. Forget about expectations. The whole world seems to tell us what we should be doing. What would you do if you were free of all of those expectations? Choose for yourself for a change.

9. Figure out what’s holding you back. Why aren’t you already living your life the way you choose? What’s preventing you? What are you afraid of? What can you do to work around these challenges? Develop a plan to get past this resistance.

10. Make the necessary changes. After all of the above steps, you know what you need to do. It’s time to do what needs to be done. Take action.

[wdsm_ad id=”14441″ class=” aligncenter” ] 

Few things are as fulfilling as having full control over your life – and for survivors of narcissistic abuse, it can mean the difference between being happy and fulfilled and being completely destroyed.

Take back control of your life NOW! You’ll feel like there’s nothing you can’t do. The world is just sitting there, patiently waiting for you to take control of your life. Get started today by taking the first steps. A few steps each day become quite significant very quickly.

Need help with taking back YOUR life? Try my Take Back Your Life Course at Udemy.

 
Are you a pessimist? Take this test.

Are you a pessimist? Take this test.

“When you wake up every day, you have two choices. You can either be positive or negative; an optimist or a pessimist. I choose to be an optimist. It’s all a matter of perspective.” ~Harvey MackayThe Pessimism Test

Let me ask you something. Do you consider yourself an optimist or a pessimist? If you’re dealing with the toxic gaslighting and other types of mental or emotional abuse of a narcissist, you might have trouble staying positive – I know I did back then.

But here’s the thing. Being angry or negative all the time can literally KILL you – but being an optimistic person can pay off in health dividends.

Optimistic people are happier, and that state of mind offers so many health benefits.

Listen, everyone can have a day where we get discouraged and fail to look at the bright side of the situation – that’s normal.

What’s not normal is to live in a state of negative focus.

How can you tell where you stand on the optimism versus pessimism scale? You can take the pessimism test and find out which way you lean – and if you discover that you have more pessimistic traits than optimistic ones, you can learn how to change them.

The Pessimism Test

The test is a test based on psychologically phrased questions that can detect your amount of cynicism, which of course, pessimistic people have in spades.

Your level of happiness is directly related to whether you see things negatively or positively. This doesn’t mean that you automatically think that every single person in the world is good and none of them are out to take advantage of you.

If you’re too trusting, you can leave yourself wide open to all sorts of situations that aren’t good for you – financially or otherwise. You have to strike a healthy balance between the positive and negative outlook.

The focus of the pessimism test is on how you view various situations that occur in life.

For example, say a young friend of yours wouldn’t listen to his father’s advice and ended up buying a clunker of a car that spends more time in the shop than it does on the road.

Would your reaction be A.) He should have listened to his father – he got what he deserved or B.) He’s young, he made a mistake but he’ll learn with experience?

If you chose A for your answer, then you chose a more pessimistic response. The more negative the response, the higher the odds that you’re dealing with some pessimistic traits.

Now ask yourself about your future. Where do picture yourself ten years from now? Are you in the same job? Are you happy? Did you know that pessimism is often considered the opposite of hope?

It kills dreams and chains people to drudgery. If you often don’t see the use in applying for the job you’ve always wanted or taking a chance to change your life in some way, then odds are high that you’re looking at things with a pessimistic view.

Taking a pessimism test can show you what areas of your life you need to fight to keep from being tied to a pessimistic attitude. Don’t look at any situation in your life (no matter how tough) and see only the impossibilities.

Search for the possibilities. Just because you have challenges with something, it doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. Start today and think, speak and live positively. You’ll be surprised at how much better you’ll feel.

What do you think? Can you be an optimist? Share your thoughts in the comments below. 

Need help becoming an optimist? Try my new Rewrite Your Story course at Udemy! (If you click through this link, it’ll save you 50%!)

 

So, your narcissist has a new ‘supply’

So, your narcissist has a new ‘supply’

What do you do when you see your narcissist with his new supply? How does it make you feel? How can you avoid the painful feelings that are sure to surface?

In this video, I’ll offer you a simple explanation and a 7 step plan to get over it and fast!

(Take my free 5-day fear-busting course for narcissistic abuse survivors at http://narcissismsupportcoach.com.)

Read This: Should you warn the new ‘supply’ about the narcissist?

Answered: How can you tell if your relationship has become toxic?

Answered: How can you tell if your relationship has become toxic?

“What fascinates me about addiction and obsessive behavior is that people would choose an altered state of consciousness that’s toxic and ostensibly destroys most aspects of your normal life, because for a brief moment you feel okay.” ~Moby

Sometimes, love really is a drug.

It’s a fact of life that some relationships go through the occasional rough patch. In most cases, these are worked out; either through rational discussion or some arguing, but the issues get resolved. But when there’s a narcissist involved, the “rough patch” can be a lot less of a patch and more of a cold, wet, heavy blanket that seems to cover your whole life.

This is often referred to as a toxic relationship – but how do you know the difference between a simple rough patch in your relationship and and a very toxic situation? The differences, sadly, can seem subtle at first.

Here are some signs to look for to see if your relationship is toxic – whether you’re sure you’re involved with a narcissist or not.

Related: Top 10 Signs You’re Being Gaslighted

In a toxic relationship:

  • Your mate attempts to force you to be dependent on them for basic needs.
  • You have made changes you normally wouldn’t have to keep them pleased.
  • They control your life and check up on you to make sure you’re doing what they think you should.
  • They verbally put you down in front of other people.
  • They are physically, mentally or emotionally abusive or manipulative.
  • There’s no evidence that they actually love you, though they may say otherwise. (Actions speak louder than words!)
  • What it all comes down to is that narcissists (and other types of toxic people) are not healthy, and they’re inevitably on a mission to feel better than the people around them. Essentially, they’re soul poison – and if you stick it out too long, you might find yourself feeling dead inside.

So, how does anybody get into such a relationship, and why do they stay?

Clearly, the easy answer is that nobody would or should, but the reality is that they do. 

And there’s a good reason for that – toxic relationships run in cycles.

There are three basic stages: the honeymoon (often includes love bombing), where everything seems good and there is lots of hope for a happier future; the problem stage (often includes gaslighting, devaluing and discarding), this is where the actual problems occur; reconciliation, where the offending party makes up for what they did wrong (often includes hoovering). This then leads right back to the honeymoon stage and it starts all over again.

Does that sound familiar to you?

Once you know about this cycle, it’s easier to understand how even very smart people get trapped in emotionally and mentally abusive relationships with toxic narcissists.

There is really only one stage where things seem bad. After that, they see their toxic mate is trying to do better and is sorry for what they did.

Everybody deserves a second chance, right? (Hint: Second chances are great – but giving someone unlimited chances to change? That’s called insanity – remember, that’s defined as doing the same thing and expecting different results!)

Then the honeymoon phase is going great, they’re happy again, and willing to forgive and forget. But, inevitably, the problems start again.

So, why don’t people get out of toxic relationships at this point?

Well, if you think about it, you can see that they already have proof that their partner can change. This proof comes in the form of the prior reconciliation stage. From the perspective of an “outsider,” that can be hard to believe, but that’s how you tend to see it while you’re stuck in the middle of the relationship.

And, hey – there’s always another honeymoon stage right around the corner.

What’s the key to getting out?

Think of it as an addiction. The drug is the problem stage, and the honeymoon stage is the high that is felt.

And you can’t get the high without the drug.

Therefore, if you are in a toxic relationship, you must break out of it at the problem stage.

Now that you know the signs you can be ready to take action. Don’t kid yourself. Get help.

Do whatever you need to do to get the respect you truly deserve. It will be difficult, but you will have a happier life when you do.

You feel me? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments section, below. 

Need help taking back your life? You might want to try my free 5-day email course – you can change your life in a few minutes a day! Sign up right here. 

Why do narcissists refuse to validate you, like, ever?

Why do narcissists refuse to validate you, like, ever?

“Everybody is looking for validation, no matter who you are, and I think that’s a need of the human condition – to look for affection or recognition or validation.” ~ Alejandro Gonzalez Inarrituwhy narcissists refuse to validate you

You might be surprised to know that when someone asked me what the biggest issue for narcissistic abuse was for me, I had to say it was the constant invalidation of my feelings, thoughts and emotions. It LITERALLY made me feel like I was not a “real person” at all. No kidding.

The Definition of Validation

Because it took me a while to realize that I was actually worthy of being considered a real person, I figure some of my fellow victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse could use a quick definition on what I’m talking about.

So, validation is acceptance and recognition that thoughts, ideas or concepts are understandable and worth hearing. When a “normal” person validates someone, it means recognizing and accepting other people and their thoughts, feelings and concerns as legitimate.

It means accepting someone as a person.

And, even though a “normal” person may disagree or have a difference in opinion, he or she can still recognize value in the thoughts and opinions of other people. A “normal” person is likely to see even “abnormal” behaviors in an understandable way. Even someone who wouldn’t classify himself as an empath can display empathy – when we’re talking about your everyday, average Joe, of course.

However, when there’s a narcissist involved, we’re not exactly dealing with “normal,” are we? Instead, we’re stuck with a walking, talking human-like being who seems to have a complete hole in their soul. A narcissist isn’t capable of true empathy, so it only makes sense that you can’t expect them to validate you.

Invalidation is a Hallmark of Narcissistic Abuse

In fact, as it turns out, invalidation is one of the hallmarks of this kind of emotional abuse. 

Sadly, there’s a simple reason, in my opinion: the narcissist sees you as a possession, an object – a thing. You are simply an extension of the narcissist, according to them. If they saw you as equal to themselves, it would shatter their grand illusion (the way they deceive themselves into thinking they’re better or more important than everyone else in the world).

That, and because it’s yet another way the narcissist gaslights you and keeps you tightly in place in the narcissistic supply chain.

Update: This video offers additional insight on how and why narcissists invalidate you, as well as 10 ways you can self-validate. 

What do you think? Why do narcissists refuse to offer validation, like, ever? 

Related articles

Pin It on Pinterest