Gaslighting and Toxic Narcissism: Top 10 Red Flags (Video)

Gaslighting and Toxic Narcissism: Top 10 Red Flags (Video)

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Wondering if you might be dealing with a toxic narcissist in your relationship?

Top 10 Red Flags of Narcissistic Abuse in a Toxic Relationship

Here are the top ten red flags to watch for – check out this video.

Get Support in Your Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

121 Things Narcissists Say When They Are Gaslighting You

121 Things Narcissists Say When They Are Gaslighting You

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**TRIGGER WARNING: These are statements made by actual narcissists that were shared with me by actual survivors of narcissistic abuse.

If you’ve ever been involved in a toxic relationship with a narcissist, the following statements may sound pretty familiar to you. I polled the members of my online support group (SPAN) and asked them to share things they heard their narcissists say again and again as they were being relentlessly manipulated and gaslighted during their relationships.

What is Gaslighting? 

Gaslighting is a pervasive and highly-effective tactic meant to manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity. This is a very common tactic used in narcissistic abuse.

What are some things narcissists say during gaslighting? 

If you’re not sure you’re dealing with a narcissist, it might help you to take a look at this list of 121 things narcissists say during gaslighting. Read through the statements shared by survivors of narcissistic abuse to find out whether anything sounds familiar.  You might also want to take this self-assessment to find out if someone is gaslighting you in a relationship, or this one to find out if you’re dealing with narcissistic abuse in a toxic relationship.

If you recognize any of these 121 things - you might be getting gaslighted by a toxic narcissist.
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121 Specific Phrases Narcissists Use During Gaslighting

  1. You’re being irrational.
  2. You should get tested for schizophrenia.
  3. You’re always making shit up in your head.
  4. You need help.
  5. I don’t do things I think are wrong.
  6. Why are you being so defensive?
  7. You are so childish/immature.
  8. You need to learn to communicate better.
  9. I’m not arguing; I’m just discussing.
  10. Hey, I’m not saying you need to be any different!! I’m not trying to change anybody!
  11. It’s always something with you.
  12. You’re crazy, you weirdo, freak.
  13. Whatever.
  14. If you wouldn’t piss me off I wouldn’t have to say mean things to you.
  15.  No wonder so and so has a problem with you.
  16. If you tell them about me I will ( blah blah ) and hurt you. (Either blackmail or made-up exaggerated lies to get back at you for exposing them.)
  17.  I used to think you were a good person. (Because you tell them off and get on their level.)
  18. Why are you being a bitch, get over it, I’m late, I was supposed to be here at noon but it’s 2:40 pm. Do you want to go eat or not?
  19. ]I don’t have time for your games.
  20. Go ahead, tell them about me. I will make your life a living hell, bitch.
  21. I’m much smarter than your dumb ass.
  22. Just try, you will lose.
  23. I’m going to kiss their butt; we will see who they want more to do with.
  24. You would think you would have figured out by now –  you can’t beat me. But hey – knock yourself out, and make a fool of yourself.
  25. If you’re on the phone with them, in front of an audience, you get: “Listen, you need to get help, I can’t play your games anymore. I really feel sorry for you, I’ve got to go. I’m not being pulled into another fight,”. (You’re on the other end saying “what are you talking about?”) About that time he clicks the phone off. Then, he later calls you, ” Try me bitch – have you figured out you won’t win?”
  26.  What do you mean I have no real friends? I have an attorney friend, one who owns (blah blah), I have tons of friends! You’re the depressed loser who stays home all the time with no friends! Oh sorry, you have a volunteer pet rescue friend! Wowww, I’m impressed.
  27. Oh, I forgot you’re holier than thou!
  28. Poor you!
  29. You like being a victim.
  30. You wonder why I stay away from you.
  31. Others think I’m a pretty nice guy. Too bad you don’t.
  32.  I’m going to stay away from you as long as you put me down.
  33. No wonder I do drugs!
  34. If I want to feel like shit I will come around you.
  35. How’s it working for you?
  36. Listen to yourself! You are losing it.
  37. If they leave you and you say, “Good riddance! Now she can put up with you. He says, “Oh, she doesn’t mind breakfast in bed! We are going to Hawaii. You could have had the finer things, but you wanted to fight me all the time. When I’m a millionaire, we will see who is doing better then.
  38. My ‘friends’ (on Facebook that I never met in person) tell me all the time how smart I am all the time.
  39. I am not trying to control you.  You are thinking about your ex-husband, and taking it out on me.
  40. You’ve always “got a problem.”
  41. I’m the best thing that ever happened to you.
  42. No one can ever love you as I do.
  43. It’s always your fault.
  44. Why do you have to get all pissy and hurt over stuff?”
  45. “You just look for something to gripe about all the time.”
  46. “What do you get out of being all moody all the time? I hope that’s fun for you.”.
  47. I’m the only one that really loves you.
  48. “YOU ARE NOT GOING TO CONTROL ME, YOU F…ING B****!”
  49. I don’t give a crap about your kids.
  50. “Everyone” agrees with me – you’re bad!
  51. I  never said that!
  52. You’re crazy!
  53. You’re lazy.
  54. You’re too sensitive!
  55. I know what you’re thinking.
  56. You never listen.
  57. I’ll pay you back. (Never does!)
  58. You better wipe that look off your face or I’ll do it for ya!
  59. You’re a piece of shit.
  60. You try to make them aware about something, like that they are going to get in trouble with either legally or personally. They say, “Don’t worry about it. Shut up, You’re such a goody-goody weirdo; you worry about everything. I’ve done this before.”
  61. Stop telling people stuff about me.
  62. After cheating on me repeatedly he wants to know why I said “some not nice things to him.”
  63.  Also tells me “You will never find another man as good as me.”
  64.   When he goes out someone “told me they had the best time ever because I was there.”
  65. I’m from the Acadian bloodline, so naturally, I’m smarter than average people like you.
  66. My job is more important! You just have projects, it’s just busywork
  67. I don’t answer your texts because you’re bothering me with your foolishness.
  68. It’s my way or the highway!
  69. Women are here to serve men!
  70. If you’re so great at budgeting, why are we past due on everything and broke? (After he blows entire paycheck at the casino)
  71. “I know how _______.”
  72. “I know why ________ .”
  73. “I have the answer, you just have to listen to me.” (You can fill in the blank with ANY subject. He always knows the answer to everything…. Peoples’ motives, parenting, why your cake just exploded. Any subject at all… he has ALL the answers. You just have to listen.)
  74. “Back when I lived in Florida and I was rich beyond belief and knew all the movie stars (because I grew up with them), I never had to worry about being broke all the time.”
  75. Watch what I do next, bitch!
  76. I used to race Porsches for Indy 500 and owned two Burger Kings and a Pizarro’s.
  77. No wonder your daughter can’t keep a boyfriend! She’s so needy and trailer park trash.”
  78. After one of his (often veiled) put-downs: “and that’s the truth!”
  79. “I know at least 3 people in this town who think you are bi-polar”
  80. He is incredibly grandiose and exaggerates his achievements, talks constantly to anyone about the people of high standing that he “knows,” needs to be seen as a genius, is challenged by other people’s achievements – behind their backs will call them “third rate.”
  81. When I was manager of over 50 people at a restaurant…” ( …Taco Bell – but you couldn’t say that – heaven forbid he was associated with fast food)!!!
  82. “You just want to rehash the past.”
  83. “You should have known that this was not a good time to (talk to me….call me on the phone….etc.).” (Followed by a “justifiable” narcissistic rage).
  84. “YOU  treat me like shit and you’re NOT on drugs.”
  85. “Nobody likes you, they all laugh behind your back.”
  86. After he breaks up with you over the phone: “You made me! You asked if you were all right.”
  87.  “It’s always something with you.”
  88. You leave me and you will be blued, screwed and tattooed!
  89. You will NEVER have the confidence to leave me!
  90. “You are delusional.”
  91. You have no friends.
  92. Nobody likes you.
  93. You’re too old; no one will ever want you.
  94. You’re too fat.
  95. No one will ever love you like I do.
  96. You’ll never find anyone as good as me.
  97. You’ll never find anyone else to put up with you like I do.
  98. You’ll never have a house as nice as this one.  You’ll end up living in a broken down car on the Northside.
  99. What are you going to do without me?  How will you ever feed yourself?
  100. I never said that…you’re crazy.
  101. You need a shrink.
  102. I never did that…you’re crazy.
  103. I can say or do anything I want to you because I own you.
  104. “I was busy!”
  105. Somebody has to earn a living!
  106. “I work my ASS OFF, but nobody around here seems to care!”
  107. No one is able to love someone like you, except me.
  108. Why do you always have to criticize me?
  109. Don’t nag me.
  110. Why are you upset? I was ONLY kidding.
  111. I want …   I need…
  112. I … me me me.
  113. I was just kidding – gee, you can’t take a joke
  114. Rage? What rage?    Oh, so I’m not allowed to get angry?
  115. Only I can treat you like shit!
  116. “I never said anything to you because I just thought you knew how she felt about you. She was talking about you, complaining. I didn’t think you were friends.”
  117. Narc: You have the most beautiful blue eyes.
    You: Awww.  Thank you.
    Narc:  I can’t do this anymore.
    You: Are you breaking up with me again?
    Narc:  Yes.
  118. “If you ever cheat on me, I’ll kill them…AND you…”
  119. You started it.
  120. Get over it.
  121. Grow up!
Narcissists can be more dangerous than you think. Be careful.
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What do you think? Did anything sound familiar to you? Do you think you’re dealing with a narcissist? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments section and let’s discuss it.

Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today

Did you know? Online help is readily available for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Here are some options to begin healing from narcissistic abuse right away.

 

3 True Narcissistic Abuse Survivor Stories: The Moment I Knew I Was Done

3 True Narcissistic Abuse Survivor Stories: The Moment I Knew I Was Done

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Someone in one of my groups today asked an amazing question – they wanted to know how narcissistic abuse survivors who had gone no-contact had made the choice.The Moment I Knew I Had to Leave

What had driven them to finally leave and go no-contact with their narcissists?

In many cases, there was a single moment that became the catalyst for change (often led up to by a series of events that caused growing concern, of course).

With the permission of the people who shared their stories with me in a private group I have on Facebook for research purposes, I’m sharing these true stories with you anonymously (to protect the people who wrote them).

The stories do come from three separate and unrelated individuals, but that’s all I can tell you about their identities.

I’m not sharing these stories for shock value – simply because oftentimes reading about the successful transitions of others from narcissistic abuse victim to survivor can inspire us to take action to make our own situations better.

(Survivor Story #1)
The Moment I Knew I Had to Leave a Narc Husband: I realized he was interested in my daughter.

He had no idea how much he was hurting me by looking at porn all day on his phone.

One day I woke up and realized I didn’t care anymore – it was like a light switch went off and I was numb to his abuse.

We went for a drive into town and there was a puppy in the road that had gotten out of their fenced yard. I said, “let’s stop and put him back;” he said, “the dog will be fine,” and kept driving.

We got to town and an old man was pulling out of the store parking lot with an old motor home and one of the side doors was open.

I said, “let’s let him know he has a problem.”

My husband screamed at me to mind my own business.

I said fine, but I knew it was time, I couldn’t keep going on.

A few months earlier he had started to show a big interest in my daughter. I noticed that lately, when she went to say goodbye, he would turn his head.

She’d end up kissing him on the lips. He would sit down so that she would have to bend over and he would get a good look at her breasts.

We lived on a lake and she was taking a shower and everyone else was at their lake, someone needed something and he “volunteered” to go up to the house.

My “mom-bell” went crazy. That’s when I said, “I will go with you.” Of course, he was furious! I don’t know what he thought he was going to do, but I couldn’t take a chance.

(Survivor Story #2)
The Moment I Knew I Had to Leave a Narc Boyfriend: When He Gaslighted Me

I knew I had to leave four months in! I’d experienced the love bombing and thought we where failing in love.

But for some reason, I always had concerns and held back. while I kept my own life going.

Over time, I learned that my concerns weren’t for naught – I found out he’d been an excessive cocaine users for years!

Although, according to him, he pretty much stopped when with me, I didn’t agree with it. And then, he credited me for making him deal with life. He drank a lot at first which I didn’t like as I’ve gone out with an alcoholic in the past, but then he seemed to cut down.

He admitted he had cheated on his ex wife several times. That knocked me sick and I pulled him on this and told him how shocked I was. He didn’t seem to have much empathy toward his ex wife at all.

He was always banging on about exes, calling them psychos and worse. Explaining domestic issues and fights they had had. I’d had enough! I was making subtle hits for him to stop.

Anyway, after four months of me playing it cool and kind of cringing a little about the love bombing, I actually started to expect a little more.

He went all distant and became very unreliable with plans he’d made with me. Of course, when I tried to bring this up he became so angry with me. Plus, he used his son as an excuse, and to guilt me.

He was totally unreasonable. I got the silent treatment.

He was telling me I was angry when I wasn’t – just upset my his uncaring behavior; I felt all off a sudden so anxious.

I was totally walking on eggshells, when I thought he was smitten with me. I googled something, and the pattern of the courtship, his chaotic past he admitted to and -SHOCKER- his personality matched the traits of a narcissist!

I knew I had to leave. I mean, unless he suddenly showed me he’d had a personality transplant. Well, he never  did of course, and we both just stopped talking with each other.

The fall out for me was very upsetting, but I’ve never said a word to him. I knew I could not resolve conflict with him. And looking back, he had hinted about me seeing his bad side and how he’d be heart broken if we ever argued.

Nowadays, I can see how me pulling him up and having a opinion made me not very agreeable in his mind. He wanted me to be his girl and had warned me I couldn’t get my way all the time – this after he cancelled other arrangements. It was just really odd behavior, but looking back, I realize now that I didn’t see it at the time.

(Survivor Story #3)

The Moment I Knew I Had to Go No-Contact With My Narc Family: When my father committed suicide

I left my family for good after my father died and I saw how heartless they truly were. He barely had a funeral and they were 20 times more concerned with getting the money he left.

The only reason they gave the half-assed funeral they did was so their name can be on papers to get his stuff. They felt no remorse what so ever for the trouble they caused him (or even the fact that he was gone or killed himself).

They read his suicide letter (which they had the biggest shout out in) and nothing they spun it around to “he was just crazy.”

My sister got over $100,000 from his death and screwed over everyone else in the end -and when we found out the rest of the family didn’t bother to get him even a $200 tombstone, she said it wasn’t her problem and to let someone else pay for it.

I noticed they only pretended to care in front of me, because in the end I was closer to him. They figured he had told me stuff, I guess.

They completely disregarded my sister as a person while everything was being planned. We used it to our advantage while we were fighting them.

Of course, I got a shout out in the letter too. So at the time, I did say a million times “I didn’t want any of the money.”

In my mind, I didn’t deserve it because I felt like I could have saved him and I didn’t. I was too busy all the time dealing with all the narcissist bullshit.

If I had known … if I had seen that hotel room just a few hours before I did, I never would have left him there.

Anyway, I guess it was then I realized my whole life I’ve most likely been living with sociopaths – it was like, at that moment, I suddenly recognized that I had been at the mercy of sociopaths my whole life.

I guess I should be lucky I only came out with nerve issues and anxiety – because I know for a fact I just barely missed a lot worse. Once everything was done, I went no contact. But every now and then they find flying monkeys – last year was the last time I saw one, I think. I want to get my niece and my brother out now, but it’s hard.

Okay, let’s discuss it. Do you recognize yourself or someone you know in one of these stories? 

Tell Us Your Story

One of the biggest things I hear from narcissistic abuse survivors who find this site or my narcissistic abuse recovery videos is that they are so relieved to learn that not only are they not crazy, but that they aren’t alone in the painful and shocking realization that they are being (or have been) abused by a toxic person.

It’s a HUGE part of recovery. And it matters. It’s so important for people who are going through and recovering from narcissistic abuse to truly understand that they are not alone.

 

Tell Your Story

When you share your story and your personal experiences with narcissistic abuse recovery, not only can it help you grow and evolve in your own recovery, but it offers you a unique chance to pay it forward and help to encourage and support other survivors who are having or have had similar experiences.

Watch my series on true narcissistic abuse survivor stories on YouTube, right here. 

Pay-It-Forward eBook Giveaways: 69 Secrets and 127 Life Hacks

Pay-It-Forward eBook Giveaways: 69 Secrets and 127 Life Hacks

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Could you use a little inspiration to begin creating the life you really deserve? How about if I could give it to you free?

In addition to the thousands of free articles and resources available here at QueenBeeing.com, I wanted to offer you a little something extra this week. That’s why, through May 16, I’m offering the following ebooks FREE on Amazon Kindle. Free ebooks through May 16 2016

Go do something nice for yourself and download them free, right now! Hurry, they go back to regular price on May 16.

Don’t have a Kindle? Don’t worry – Amazon offers a Kindle app for every device – all types of smartphones, computers and tablets alike. Get yours here.

Create the Life You Want: 69 Instant Manifestation Secrets for Remarkable Success 

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127 Powerfully Simple Life Hacks by Angela AtkinsonThis book is exactly what you’ve been looking for if you’re at a point in your life where you know you’re ready for some serious changes, but you’re not exactly sure where to start. It offers powerful and simple secrets, tricks and baby steps that will help take your life from not-so-great to over the moon.

What are you waiting for? Take the first step to creating the life you want by downloading your copy of this amazing little guide today!

 

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