*Fair Warning: You need to know that while this information can be useful, there’s such a thing as karma – and maybe you don’t want to do this. The fact is that two wrongs don’t make a right. With that being said, I get it – sometimes, you just want to make a narcissist feel the way he or she makes YOU feel – to give him a taste of his own medicine. Maybe that’s because you think it’ll help him get a sense of empathy – but it won’t, at least not for long. However, it WILL cause him to be under your control for a period of time, so if that’s what you want, you’re in the right place. PLEASE NOTE: If there is physical abus of any type in your relationship, none of this article applies to your situation and you should be working on getting out as quickly as possible – check out this page for some resources to help you.
How to Torture a Narcissist in 10 Steps
So, if you want to torture, torment, and control a narcissist, here’s what you do.
1. Look as physically attractive as possible, at all times.
Narcissists NEED to feel like they’ve got something everyone else wants – so you’ve got to make yourself look desirable to them. Be aware that even if you look absolutely perfect, they will claim that you’re not attractive, or they’ll say that they don’t like what you’re wearing.
Alternatively, they’ll ask who you’re dressing up for and potentially discuss your morals and “loose” sexual behavior. That’s okay.
This is just the narcissist’s way of trying to take you down a notch or two so you might lose your confidence and think you can’t do better – because quite honestly, the idea that you will leave them is torturing them already – even if they repeatedly tell you they don’t want you and wish you’d just leave already, or they threaten to end the relationship.
Remember: narcissists, like most humans, have a serious fear of abandonment – and this is true regardless of whether they have another source of narcissistic supply on the hook already.
Keep this in mind and don’t let them get to you. Just smile or keep a straight face and do not let on that you’re on to their game. This, along with the following tips, will surely make the narcissist obsessed with you.
2. Be extremely sure of yourself.
If the narcissist calls you conceited, you reply with something like, “Conceited? No way! I’m just convinced – have you seen the statistics?”
This is right on their level – they’ll “get” it and it’ll make them want you more because they secretly wish they could be that way. Remember that the narcissist has been working on destroying your self-esteem for a long time now.
Not only does this prevent you from thinking you can do better than them, but it also leads to the narcissist having more control over you and your life.
So keep it in mind as you go forward and remember that probably 99 percent of the things the narcissist says about you are completely wrong – or at the very least, extremely exaggerated. You, as it turns out, are probably pretty amazing – and the narcissist knows it.
That’s why they keep playing this little game – they’re afraid you’ll find out too.
3. Never say “I love you too.”
It’ll keep them wondering! And it’ll keep them chasing you relentlessly. (Like children, narcissists always want what they can’t have!) Remember that part of what the narcissist needs from you is narcissistic supply.
This includes your emotional energy in whatever way they can get it – and they certainly need to know that you love them at any given moment.
So, if they say they love you and wait for a response, you can just smile or say nothing – or if you must say something, you can say, “Me too.” Or, if you’re really brave, you can say, “I know” or, ” thank you.”
4. Keep a certain amount of distance between the two of you.
And never commit to anything, ever. Don’t let the narcissist physically or emotionally get close to you – and push them out of your inner circle, even if you do so subtly.
Putting a little bit of emotional (and if possible, physical) distance between you and the narcissist will certainly twist their brains a bit – they won’t know how to react when you stop asking, “how high?” when they tell you to jump.
Stop allowing the narcissist to dominate and dictate what you do all day. Start making choices for yourself again and do so without apology.
They won’t even know what to do when you put up that little barrier. They won’t recognize it at first. But they’ll realize something is off – and they will definitely not like that.
5. Be flirty and aloof.
And if you’re ever accused of flirting with someone else, make sure that you quickly turn it around to make the narcissist seem crazy. This is exactly what they’re doing to you during gaslighting – so why not return the favor?
Be prepared for retaliation that you might not like – such as even more blatant flirting with another person or even cheating on you.
How? So easy – just politely and underhandedly point out their imperfections – i.e. “it’s so great that you’re so comfortable with your appearance – I wouldn’t be so confident if my eyes were so far apart, etc.” or “wow, your face would be totally perfect if only your nose weren’t quite so crooked.”
*Note – the “imperfection” doesn’t even need to be real – because the narc will obsess about even perceived imperfections and constantly seek your approval.
One more example of this tactic: “I love how you will go out in public looking like shit without even caring – how do you manage to find the confidence even carrying around those extra pounds? You are so OWNING it!”
7. Be way too busy for them all the time.
Stop dropping whatever you’re doing when they demand your time and attention. You are not their little plaything – you’re a whole separate person who has their own interests and things to do. It’s time you remember that now.
If you’re trying to torture the narcissist, you have to stop making their manipulation easier for them – make them work for your time and attention. Narcissists expect you to drop whatever you’re doing when they want your attention, but they can’t be bothered to do the same. If you want to drive a narcissist crazy, stop being available to them.
Suddenly pick up a new hobby, or a part-time job, or make some new friends. Or PRETEND to do those things, even.
Because the truth is that not allowing the narcissist to run your schedule is one step closer to your own freedom – and as long as they’re not physically abusing you, you can get away with ignoring their little fits.
Do you know how narcissists have this way of blowing everything out of proportion? Yeah. But here’s the thing – they cannot tolerate it when anyone else does this. Not only does it steal their spotlight, but it also causes them to have to focus on you – even if it’s just to figure out how to get the focus back on them. So start overreacting and getting way too emotional about the little things.
IMPORTANT: Whatever you get upset about must either directly involve them (as in, you have to get upset AT THEM), or it must be at someone that affects them such as their family member, best friend, or anyone else they would feel they need to either defend or argue with you about.
Get DRAMATIC! Be unapologetic when you overreact to something small – and let the narcissist know that it’s not your fault – you don’t know how to deal with your feelings because you just have never felt enough about anyone else to actually feel ANYTHING, let alone enough to freak out. (The idea here is that they’ll think this makes them special – that they can evoke such emotion in you, and they’ll want to control you – that’s the closest thing a narcissist ever feels to love).
The narcissist absolutely will freak out on you, but to keep their anger at bay, you have to (appear to) be over-the-top furious and to the point that even their bad behavior doesn’t (appear to) scare you.
You might notice the slightest smile touches their face when you do this. That’s because they’ll be fascinated in a weird grotesque kind of way – but also a little scared. I wouldn’t judge you if you decided to savor that moment a little bit.
Just remember: If you do this, it’ll be bad for your karma – but it might feel good for a moment. While it might be very tempting to manipulate and control a narcissist, the truth is that it’s only going to be a band-aid – the giant empty spot in a narcissist’s soul is unfillable.
WARNING! Today’s episode of Go Ask Angie is OUTRAGEOUS – not only am I providing answers to two mothers who were left by narcissists during pregnancy, but between these narcissistic fathers, there are literally 12 children who have to deal with it – plus, one of the mothers was replaced by…wait for it…her own TWIN SISTER during her pregnancy!
I am just overwhelmed with the amount of things I want to say to those self-centered jerks (not to mention the so-called sister who was willing to be with a man who’d just abandoned her pregnant TWIN) – but I won’t waste my breath, because you and I both know that there’s no good reason to try to make a narcissist accountable for his or her behavior. It almost NEVER works.
Take a look at this video – or if you can’t, check out the transcript, below the video, and when you’re finished, please let me know what you think – and what advice you’d offer these moms.
Before I start with my answer, I just want to say that I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, and you definitely don’t deserve it!
I know that you have been totally shocked by this horrible situation – and who can blame you? Between your own pregnancy and other children and the devalue and discard you’ve just gone through, it’s amazing that you’re still standing.
But stand you will, because you’re a mother and that is what we do!
So much of what you wrote sounds familiar to me on more than one level. For example, my first husband actually treated my oldest son like a piece of property.
He’d ignore the baby while no one was looking, but when people were around, he was the perfect father – showing him off and always telling people how amazing he was. It was like “look what I did!”
Once I finally got a clue and left his ass, I quickly realized that his only reason for wanting to see my son was that he wanted to get back in my life. When I realized that, I was just done.
He hasn’t seen that kid since he was 16 months old – and he will be 19 YEARS old next month.
Okay, I’ve got a few more pieces of advice for you before I close today.
First: don’t allow this narcissist to taint your happiness. He has made his choices, and now you get to make yours.
Second, don’t expect some big miracle to happen when or if you ever allow him to see your child – especially since you said he has other kids out there.
Third, remember that as a toxic narcissist, he’s got a personality disorder and without serious therapy, he ain’t gonna change anytime soon (and whether it will work is QUITE iffy).
Now it’s time for you to consider every option that’s available to you – and take nothing for granted. Remember too that your ex narcissist is unlikely to see your child as a person, but more likely to see him or her as a tool to be used to get what he wants.
Be on the lookout for certain behaviors if your ex does get involved in the baby’s life – for example, he may choose to disregard your or the baby’s boundaries. He may withhold affection in order to get results from the baby as he or she gets older. And he will most likely neglect to meet his parental duties on certain levels, where his needs come before the baby’s, always.
Plus, since image is so important to narcissists, he may demand absolute perfection from your child anytime he’s involved.
Your kiddo will feel a lot of pressure to “be good enough,” and unfortunately, no matter how amazing he or she turns out to be, it won’t ever be enough.
A bit of psychology you might want to consider, too:
If your child is a girl, she will need to feel adored by her father. While she’s little, he’ll probably do okay with that on a couple of levels, but as she gets older, he’ll get mean – commenting on her clothing, her weight and/or her attitude in negative ways. She needs to be validated this way – and it helps her to be stronger in future relationships. Girls need to internalize their specialness and HEALTHY dads (or even dad-like-people) can help with that.
If your baby is a boy, you need to know that he will never be able to “measure up” to your ex’s expectations. The narcissistic father is infamous for competing with his sons in very unhealthy ways. And if that’s not his game, your son will simply be ignored. Just as girls need to be adored by their fathers in order to be validated, boys need to have their dads believe in them.
I remember my ex getting jealous of my son when he was born – because I paid too much attention to him! Outrageous!
As the mom of this baby, you’re going to have a lot of responsibility, but it doesn’t have to be terrible – knowing what you’re up against is the first step to making your life easier.
KNOW that this is NOT your fault – and know what to watch for when you’re considering dating in the future. This can help you to avoid getting into this situation again.
I’d like you to consider getting involved with a parent support group, such as Parents Without Partners, and I’d like to invite you to join SPAN, my online support group – it’s totally free and completely confidential. You can learn more at QueenBeeing.com/SPAN.
I wish I had better answers for you, but I hope this offers you a place to start. Please remember to take care of yourself as you go on this journey – and don’t be afraid to reach out to the people in your life you can trust when you need support.
Okay, now it’s your turn! What advice would you offer our mothers? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments section below. Let’s discuss it.
According to a new study done on a group of speed daters, led by Emanuel Jauk, an Austrian researcher, people rate narcissists as more attractive and more dateable.
Jauk and his team gathered a group of 90 people who participated in three evening events, for a total of 691 dates over the course of the events.
Prior to the speed dating events, the participants each took online surveys which covered basic demographics, Big Five personality traits and their sexual orientation – plus, whether they had “dark triad” traits, including:
During the surveys, participants were asked to rate the physical attractiveness of the other participants, on sight alone.
When it came time for the 3-minute dates, participants were asked to rate each person they dated, including how much they wanted to be friends with the person and whether they’d be interested in pursuing a short-term relationship (such as a one-night stand, FWB or “booty call” – and finally on whether they’d be interested in a longer-term relationship.
Then, researchers asked them to decide whether they’d like to see that person again – and if they did, authors of the study decided that category would be described as “actual mate choice.”
While 48 percent of the ladies got a “yes” from the men, only 30 percent of the guys got the same from the women.
So what did they find? Well, there are three big reasons for the unexpected preference a majority of the people had for their preference of narcissists for dating.
Self-Perception: Narcissists Think They’ve Got It Going On
Essentially, because narcissists believe they are attractive, they are more confident in their ability to attract others, and they are more likely to expect that they can make others want to have sex with them. This makes the narcissists APPEAR more attractive than they might otherwise.
Since narcissists are all about making everyone think they’re super-awesome (moreso than everyone else, at least), better looking, smarter and generally more interesting than everyone else, they also tend to tell whoever they date how amazing they are – and maybe they do it because they think it reflects well on them – but I think it has a lot to do with the love bombing phase of the narcissistic relationship cycle.
Interesting stuff, right? So what do you think? Are you dealing with a narcissist? Have you dealt with one before? Do you think this study is on-target? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments section, below.
A report in Cosmopolitan Magazine offers ten very insightful points into the psyche of your everyday, average narcissist – and if you keep these in mind when you’re dealing with one, you’ll find yourself feeling much more in control of the situation.
2. The reason they’re so fragile and insecure on the inside and mean and hateful on the outside goes all the way back to childhood. Though researchers believe there might be a genetic component, the truth is that the way a child is raised has a great deal to do with how they turn out.
There are two ways to “create” a narcissist – by denying a child unconditional love so they never feel comfortable in the emotional love, or to totally go the opposite direction and overindulging, overpraising and underdisciplining the child – making them believe they’re overly special.
This would indicate that the term “happy medium” could apply to good parenting (My note)
3. Kids who got big responsibilities at early ages are more often narcissists than those who didn’t, whether it was direct responsibility such as for a sibling or indirect such as for the emotional health of a parent. This leads to their adult selves always seeking approval and trying too hard, never allowing themselves to just “be,” rather requiring to be the center of attention.
4. A narcissist desperately needs to feel superior to everyone around him, because inside they don’t feel like they’re good enough. And they react with contempt to anyone who seems to have something they lack.
8. If you must confront a narcissist, do it carefully – they respond best to “empathic validation,” Cosmo says. So you should always “affirm the relationship first before you share anything that doesn’t feel right,” said a psychologist interviewed by the mag. “For example, if it’s someone you’re dating, say to them: ‘I care about you a lot, so when you don’t listen to what I’m saying, I feel like I’m nothing in your eyes,’ instead of ‘Why don’t you ever listen to me?'”
About the book: Do you find yourself giving all you’ve got and people still want more? Do you sometimes do without what you want or need in order to keep the people around you happy? Are you afraid to deal with confrontation and do you often find it easier to just go with the flow in order to keep the peace?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might be a people pleaser. Many people pleasers are also very empathic people, who are especially attractive to toxic types who love to take advantage every chance they get.
In this book, you’ll learn how to stop feeling the need to make everyone else happy and start figuring out what makes you happy, personally, and really – not someone else’s idea of what’s supposed to make you happy,
9. The only thing that might motivate a narcissist to change is having a meaningful consequence for their bad behavior. For example, a healthy narcissist might avoid cheating on a spouse in order to preserve the relationship, because “if the consequences are high enough, they might start to reevaluate their actions.”
10. No matter how intelligent and together a narcissist is in other ways, they are emotional toddlers. Cosmo’s experts both noted that the best way to deal with a narcissist who is raging is to consider them like you would a two-year-old who is throwing a tantrum, and that most of that is just their way of “putting on a show.” Both agreed that as long as you’re not in physical danger, you have to pick your battles and decide what you will and will not tolerate, and then make your choices accordingly.
“You take all their emotional abuse. You take it and take it and then you finally explode verbally. You call him a piece of shit, low-life, asshole, and more. He just ignores it, smirking the whole time because he got me upset. Now he uses this against me. Now, he says I’m verbally abusive! I was just fighting back for my sanity. Could you address this in a video?”
What is deflection in narcissistic abuse?
Unfortunately, this is a very common manipulation tactic that gaslighters use. It’s when you’re being abused but your abuser tries to convince you that you’re the abusive one. Or maybe, if you’re female, they blame it on “that time of the month,” or accuse you of having horrible PMS.
They may label you unreasonable, crazy, an over-reactor – even say you’re making it all up. They assign all blame (literally for every issue or concern) in the relationship to you, and they become offended and angry if they don’t think you seem like you want to accept it.
If you dare to question them or god forbid, get upset and yell back at them, the narcissist will quickly turn the tables and accuse YOU of being the abuser. He or she will do everything possible to run a good smear campaign on you, too, telling everyone around you how crazy or difficult you are – and making you look and feel like someone you’re really just not.
The Narcissistic Flip
One of the most effective kinds of gaslighting is when a narcissist sort of “flips the script” on you during an argument.
I have dubbed this practice the “narcissistic flip,” and have found that it’s a regularly employed manipulation technique for many narcs.
The “flip” happens most often when you make a valid point or have the nerve to question the narc about anything.
That’s about the time everything turns around and suddenly, you’re the one who’s sorry (mostly that you bothered engaging in yet another pointless argument).
What is denial in narcissistic abuse?
Real quick – let’s define denial for our purposes. In this case, we’re talking about the psychological term, which means that someone literally claims that something that DID happen didn’t occur.
So, in the case of narcissists, they use denial of their own behavior when it’s convenient for them – and almost always in situations where they can be considered “at fault” for anything negative.
How do narcissists use denial to manipulate you?
Denial can be used as part of the whole “brainwashing” process that a lot of narcissists use to control their victims. Think about it – while they may have originally employed denial in order to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior, a lot of narcissists have discovered that denial can be a very effective part of gaslighting.
Narcissists will intentionally say things they know will provoke you into reacting. They’ll bait you and then wait for a response. If you don’t react quickly or dramatically enough, they may poke you further and aggressively antagonize you until you explode.
Then, they tell you that you’re crazy, that you need help – that something is just plain wrong with you.
How do you deal with this kind of manipulation?
Obviously, and almost always, going “no contact” is the ideal solution to dealing with a toxic narcissist. But in the real world, there are other circumstances and things to consider.
Sometimes, you get stuck dealing with a narcissist for whatever reason – you’re co-parenting, you haven’t yet managed to escape – or maybe, it’s a relative or in-law that you can’t practically just “disconnect” from…so you’re forced to deal.
So, the way to deal is to first recognize that the narcissist is trying to get you to react – and that if you do, he or she will absolutely use it against you.
Narcissists and the Blame Game
You have heard of it, right? The so-called blame game is just what I described before – when a narcissist constantly deflects responsibility for his bad behavior and projects it right onto the nearest unwitting victim – often, his or her primary source of supply.
This puts you (as the primary source of narcissistic supply) on constant alert, and you feel the mental and physical effects of always being in a state of stress. It affects your blood pressure, your neurological function, and even your ability to eat and sleep. Other physical effects such as changes in weight and even generally falling ill more often have also been reported by victims.
Examples of the Blame Game in Action
A narcissistic wife is caught lying to her husband about spending an evening alone with a male colleague. She claims, when found out, that she only lied because he always overreacts to everything. In reality, he lives in fear of her erratic and seemingly unprovoked emotional attacks and general invalidation of his character.
A narcissistic husband is found to be cheating on his wife with her best friend. When confronted, he claims that he was treated poorly by his wife, neglected, and overly criticized by her. He claims that he tried to fix the relationship and in reality, he is the one who was mentally abusing HER, and he has engaged her friend as a very toxic flying monkey.
A narcissistic woman has a lunch meeting with a new colleague by whom she is secretly a little threatened. She shows up an hour late, and when the colleague tries to get back to the office on time, she cuts her down for being so uptight and neglecting the opportunity to get to know her.
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