Surviving Narcissistic Abuse: 65 Things You Might Say to Your Narcissist If You Could

Surviving Narcissistic Abuse: 65 Things You Might Say to Your Narcissist If You Could

Are you, or were you, in a toxic relationship with a narcissist? If you are or were, take a moment and look at the following questions. In your mind, take a second to answer them as you go.

If you could say literally anything to your narcissist, what would it be? If you could say it without fear of repercussions and your narc would have no choice but to comprehend it – what would you say? What did/do you NOT say that you wish you had said?

I asked the members of my SPAN (Support for People Affected by Narcissism in relationships) group to tell me what they’d say if they could – and below, I’ve shared their answers. Some are kind of funny, but most will feel quite familiar on some level to anyone who is in, or who has been in a toxic relationship with a mentally or emotionally abusive narcissist. 

  1. I’m up right now and you suck right now!
  2. I will NEVER let anyone treat me the way you have treated me EVER again!
  3. I’m going to be so much happier when you’re gone!
  4. If I had only known you were a sick narcissist, and you could never change, I would not have wasted 30 years of my life with you! I am so glad you are finally out of my life forever!
  5. Nothing. Because whatever I say will be turned in a convoluted way against me.
  6. You’re still that insecure little boy… and that’s the truth that will eat at you for life.
  7. My life is 100 percent better without you.
  8. If anyone ever spoke to you the way you spoke to ME, you’d hate that person.
  9. If you could feel how you make me feel you would hate yourself.
  10. There are things that ARE YOUR FAULT! You are not blameless and some of the problems in this marriage ARE because of YOU and YOUR BEHAVIOR. I am so frustrated by your stance that EVERYTHING is my fault, EVERYTHING that goes wrong is somehow seeded with me and my behavior. And when you know you have acted badly, it is ONLY in response to me and my behavior…. Doesn’t it seem a little ridiculous that ALL of our problems seed with me? Doesn’t it seem just a little out of whack that absolutely NOTHING is your fault? That it ALL lands at my feet?
  11. Stop saying, “she MADE me do it!” (where “it” could be flying into a rage, projecting and totally denying YOU have any responsibilities for your actions!) Only infants and animals can truly say they have no control for their own behavior. You are and adult. If nothing else don’t you realize using this classic ” wife beaters” type of blame shifting undermines your Adult status?!? Keep doing it and I’m afraid you’ll have to turn in your Membership in the Adults Only club and put your diaper back on.
  12. The narrative you keep telling yourself that places blame on everyone else for how crappy your life is and the idea that you “deserve” so much better… It’s a lie.
  13. I hate you, you took my life and turned it in to a life of fear you hurt me physically and emotionally I lost who i was because of you, I tried to love you but could never feel that connection with you. Stay the hell away from me.
  14. See you when you are 40, lost and all alone.
  15. 25 years ago, you told me that you would retire by the time you were 50. As a naïve young woman, I thought that meant that you had ambition and that you wanted to be successful. What I realize today is that you meant that I could do all the work and you would stay home, ride your dirt bike, and Live on my hard work. Well, you’re not quite 50 and you’re pretty well retired. Congratulations.
  16. Give me a break, kiddy punk.
  17. I see you. I know what and who you are. I appreciate and acknowledge the moment of truth you shared when you told me you were numb inside and felt nothing.
  18. I hope you find peace. And I really mean it.
  19. “You ain’t shit, you will never be shit or have a woman better than me or a good woman period. You never loved me and I have no love for you. You are dead to me. All your lies and scandalous behavior and the way you jumped into another relationship proves that your sick and will never be happy. Never experience real love, your homeless, your mom and sister are ashamed of you and even warned me about you. You are a insecure, fat boy who only cared about himself but not enough to love yourself. I pity you. I’m free of you now so go suck your new victim dry while I continue to succeed with my degrees, my jobs, my friends, my family and my home. Enjoy your mother’s couch and your new victims 3 kids. Don’t ever contact me again.”
  20. “You can fool a lot of people for a time, you fooled me for a long time, but you cannot ever fool God and that’s who you have to face now.”
  21. I knew you were having an affair and you denied it. I know, you know and God knows he went mad at first but then confessed as he thinks and believes he’s been a Christian for over 30 yrs.
  22. What makes you think I am your property? Why can’t you interact with your children instead of leaving them to just me? We are suppose to be a family which means the children need a mom and a dad. Why do you feel the need to work so much? Why did you abandon me and our children? Why do you blame me for your acts? Your sense of entitlement disgusts me and as a result your son is acting accordingly. Why would you berate and insult your children?
  23. I was a fool to keep trying to convince you that I was on your side.
  24. I am so sorry that you suffered as a child. I wish that you could have had a different upbringing. I loved you but you hurt me so badly that I cannot look at you with Love again. I understand that it doesn’t matter to you, but thank you for shining a light on MY flaws. You gave me 3 beautiful children and for that I am grateful. I wish you well in your new marriage and for me I hope to someday forgive you and find peace. I wish eternally that I didn’t need to learn the lessons that I have but In doing so I have grown into someone who is stronger, wiser, mature and more educated.
  25. You succeeded in destroying my heart just like you wanted to, but you didn’t destroy my soul, and my heart healed. I’m happy again. You’re still miserable. I win. You lose.
  26. The way your (narcissistic) mother treats you, is exactly how you treated me.
  27. I deserve better.
  28. I wish there was a vaccine to spare others from suffering this fate.
  29. Do you want to know where your’re going when you die? To hell. Straight to hell.
  30. You are an ugly person with an awful personality. Everything you say about me is what you should be telling yourself. You are fake and a loser. You have a drinking problem and act like a little annoying kid when you drink. You should stop making kids and take care of the ones you already have. Grow up!
  31. I already had your funeral.
  32. You used me just to get two kids out of me. But at least I can say they are my greatest achievements. They have empathetic and loving hearts & are considerate. Which they did not get from you.
  33. You are a fake and the worst kind of hypocrite, judging every pastor you heard speak yet having the audacity to continue preaching after you put your hands on your wife and threatened her. You make me sick, literally. I wish so much that I never met you!
  34. I gave you everything; my trust, my love, my 20s (10years), my heart and soul, and you used it to abuse me. You played with it without regard to me and only in regards to what you could squeeze from me- for your enjoyment to put you at ease. You told me it was my fault, and after my childhood and then the years with you, being slowly undermined, I believed you and I stayed. I stayed and I tried and I gave and I gave and I gave. I’m glad I hit bottom so hard and woke up and realized who and what you are, behind the dream of you of us, before I was lost completely or was killed. I’m glad you are gone from my life, I could cry everyday forever from the relief of it.
  35. Thank you for showing me what I needed to work on to make myself better and complete. I feel bad that you felt so empty at times to hurt someone who cared so much for you, someone who’d have given his life for you…but not bad for myself…bad for how much pain you must have been in and still are in to do what you did. I hope one day you can look back and smile that someone loved you from the bottom of his heart and I hope one day you can heal from whatever wounds caused you to act the way you did.
  36. You know that self esteem you tried to take from me? Turns out, I get to keep it when you’re gone.
  37. I loved to love, and you used it as some selfish felt empty giving to you .how could you not feel or see the hurt and humiliation you caused. how could I have kept giving to you after yrs of getting nothing from you but lies secrets and abuse. and you said it was all my fault. how can doing nice things for someone be wrong, how can trusting someone to notice who says they love you. I now have to learn who I am and where im going to learn not to be co-dependent on you.
  38. Please get help. If you don’t, your next partner will be your next victim. I’m just glad that’s not me anymore.
  39. I hate you to your core. You’re a liar of stupid lies. Not even good lies. You’re heart is black. You never take responsibility for anything you’ve done no matter what the crime was or who was hurt, because you are a coward. Thank you for showing me how brave I am, how honest I am, how loving and caring I am. You will die a lonely pathetic old man with only his guilt ridden nightmares to keep you company. I feel sorry for you. I pity you. You’re as pathetic as they come.
  40. I would say nothing because they hear and understand nothing. Waste of my time, and emotion. I just would have left sooner if I had it all to do again.
  41. You’re a liar a cheat a fraud a con man – not a Christian like you claim to be. You’re a dirty old man and look a fool you need help as you have the need to have young girl hang around you all the time at the age of 62!
  42. So you stole from me as well?! What a vile, cretinous individual you are.
  43. No surprise really. After all you slowly stole my energy, my light, love and my soul. Because you have none of your own. Well I’ve taken it back.
  44. I know exactly what’s behind your bullshit mask: Evil.
  45. I pity you. It must be awful being you… A soulless, friendless, vacuous carcass. The hate I feel for you is superseded only by the hate you feel for yourself. You insides are so dark you daren’t look in, instead you live in the reflection of yourself in others. You are so desperate… You can’t survive without a source of fuel. Someone with beautiful energy that you can drain. One after the other after the other, victim after victim. You idealise us, then you devalue us… Then you discard us when we no fuel your insatiable ego. Or in this case, they discard you.
  46. You tried to break me. Unlucky. Every day I’m apart from you I grow stronger. You’d do well to move further down than Brighton babe…I suggest you go back to Hell.
  47. I out-shine on my darkest of days your evil, and that’s what you hated the most! Well I make no apology, instead, I thank you , I thank you for appearing on my path to reflect that truth
    back to me. And now that I see, your job is done. You may now naturally step off of my path for ever. Thank you. Job done!
  48. Leave.
  49. Leave me alone. I’m not wasting any more words, time or emotions on your pathetic excuse for a human being.
  50. I would have never married you if I had known you were a soulless lying jerk only alive for your own selfishness.
  51. I truly feel sorry for your latest girlfriend. She has no clue about your future faking, love bombing, hovering a hole self.
  52. I regret the day I met you, if I could erase it all I would, and I’m taking (our dog).
  53. I do not want to ever see your face or hear your voice again. If you ever accidentally run into me anywhere turn and go the other direction. I will do the same. You are dead to me.
  54. All the things I told you in good faith to try wake you up from how you treated me, that you twisted and said I was emotionally abusing you. I get to watch them all come true and play over and over again in your life….while mine gets better and better. Thank you for making me stronger and happier and so much more grateful of all the good things in my life. I’ll make sure our son is not damaged as much as you were in childhood so that I break the cycle.
  55. I loved you. I wanted to love you. It hurts that you can’t find your way to love me back. Being mad at you for the way things developed does me no good so I won’t do that. My only true mistake was staying for so long hoping things would be different. I win’t apologize for being good to you – I wanted to – but I also won’t apologize for having hoped that you could be good to me in something like an equal way. It’s not too much to want or to ask. I am sorry that whatever happened to you to make you this way had to happen. I don’t think you’ll ever know what you are missing by not being able to truly love anyone else and that is the biggest sadness.
  56. “Why, oh why would you ever purposely create a wedge between my only daughter, my favorite aunt, my best friend of 40 years, and countless other people, destroying my precious relationships? Why did you always pinch me under the table while dining with any members of your family? Why did you find it necessary to always talk to me and treat me like a child? Why did you always tell everyone that you couldn’t “trust” me?
  57. Why? Why? did you do this to me and continue to do it? As you say, “we are not together.”
  58. You can’t say you care and love soneone and treat them like you have have been treating me.
  59. Thanks for jeopardizing my HEALTH and my SANITY. And for expecting me to only care about yours.
  60. I survived.
  61. I’m better now than the day I met you.
  62. How does it feel? How does it feel to bully your whole family,your parents my parents for not giving me up again to you. How does it feel that you have no one to turn to anymore,that now everyone around you has opened their eyes to your malicious bullying and threats that wont hold up anymore all because you wanted was everyone to be on your side.Made me feel that this was all my fault. Making me be someone or something Im not.Making me mean, angry, hating myself. Do you think I was always this way? How many times do you think I will allow you to hold things against me. I’m done. I mean it this time. I had to literally move out of the state to get away from you tormenting me. Nothing will compare to what you have done. Its sad. Keep on trying to find me. I told you before I will NEVER, NEVER COME BACK! You’re a worthless piece of shit! Thank god your new supply is exactly like you – a narcissist too! I can’t wait for her to do what you’ve done to me for years!
  63. You’re gonna die old and alone!
  64. So, you are the nicest person and biggest victim in the universe?
  65. I’m just so sad after 3 years of trying to follow all your critisisms i still wasnt “good enough” in your eyes. You had someone who loved you unconditionally but you judged, bellitled and used every vunerabilty and insecurity i shared with you against me later. Stored them up for amo. Who does that? I never judged you i just wanted to love you and its so sad to me that that love could never be enough to get you to feel it and to have any true connection and empathy for me. I still miss you but you broke me. And now i gotta love me first and heal myself. Thankyou for showing me that i deserve better.


Any of this stuff feel familiar to you? Share your own below – what would YOU say to a narcissist, given the opportunity to force one to understand? 

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Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: What Oprah Winfrey Can Teach You About Taking Better Care of You

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: What Oprah Winfrey Can Teach You About Taking Better Care of You

If you are or have been in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship with a toxic narcissist, you can probably identify with the idea of forgetting to take care of yourself. I mean, if we’re being real here, we note that probably everyone has had this experience at one time or another – especially those with children.

But this is a different kind of “forgetting to take care of yourself,” one that becomes chronic and causes you to almost literally cross yourself off your own priority list. And when that happens? No good can come of it.

I have coaching clients, SPAN members, readers and YouTube viewers tell me every day that they find that they’ve forgotten how to take care of themselves. Some have even said they have to remind themselves to stop and eat, to shower and even to sleep.

I’ve been there – and I thought maybe if I shared a bit of my own experience, it could help you to get back on track. So let me tell you a story.

After you watch the video, let me know: what do you do to remember to take care of yourself? Do you need to take better care of YOU? What can you do today to take care of yourself better? Share your thoughts and experiences below.


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The Addict or Alcoholic Narcissist and Codependent, Toxic Relationships

The Addict or Alcoholic Narcissist and Codependent, Toxic Relationships

“Addiction isn’t about substance – you aren’t addicted to the substance, you are addicted to the alteration of mood that the substance brings.” ~Susan Cheever

If you’re dealing with a narcissist who is also an addict, you’re likely under more pressure than most people – and there are plenty of good reasons for it. I’m going to give you a quick overview of what you can do to deal with a narcissist addict.

Dealing with an addict in the family

If you’ve ever dealt with an addict, you know it can be painful and difficult for all involved. I’ve put together this Q&A that offers a glimpse into what the families of addicts deal with, as well as some vital answers that you’ll need to know if you’re dealing with one now.

Addict or Alcoholic Narcissist? Symptoms to Look For

Alcoholism Symptoms

  • Feeling powerless to control one’s level of alcohol use
  • Declining to engage in social activities or hobbies that used to be of interest
  • Wanting to stop or decrease drinking but being unable to do so
  • Using alcohol in high-risk situations, such as while swimming or driving
  • Devoting significant time and resources to drinking
  • Developing a tolerance for alcohol (i.e., needing more alcohol over time to match the feelings from earlier use)
  • Experiencing cravings for alcohol when not drinking
  • Experiencing withdrawal symptoms when not drinking (e.g., cravings, sweating, shaking, and nausea)
  • Facing problems at work, home, or school because of alcohol use
  • Having to drink to feel better
  • Continuing to use alcohol even when it is leading to social, physical, relationship, and personal problems

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Traits

1. A grandiose sense of self-importance

2. A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

3. A belief that he or she is “special” and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

4. A requirement for excessive admiration

5. A sense of entitlement – unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

6. Interpersonal exploitativeness – taking advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

7. A lack of empathy and an unwillingness to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

8. Enviousness of others – along with the belief that others are envious of him or her

9. A tendency to arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Source: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV

Start by Giving Yourself a Break

You are likely feeling a compendium of emotions right about now, teetering between wanting to love your addict better and wanting to run as far and fast away as possible. Feelings of love, hate, sorrow and even elation can cycle through you faster than the bad tuna you ate last week.

So let’s start here: there are only a few things you can really do to help an addict – and if the addict is also a toxic narcissist, the list is even shorter. But what you can do is educate yourself and make informed decisions.

Why Narcissists Might Become Alcoholics or Addicts

Since many narcissists seem to believe that they are special, and often times that they are above the law or that rules don’t apply to them, they often derive pleasure from engaging in reckless antisocial behavior, not to mention exploiting other people at times.

Often, they think they have the right to bully people, humiliate them and force them into taking responsibility for or covering for the narcissist’s bad behavior or choices.

Some narcissists are known for their risky activities such as drug and alcohol consumption in excess – and these types of things often fuel those narcissistic behaviors. Often, narcissists are in codependent relationships anyway, but when you add drug or alcohol addiction to the mix, the toxicity level is off the chart.

A lot of addicted narcissists will claim that their drug of choice enhances their lives or personalities, and they’ll swear that they have control over their addiction. And, since they’re narcissists and they believe they’re immune to such normal human issues as addiction or alcoholism, they aren’t concerned with any related health issues.

Plus, the addicted narcissist will almost always be in some kind of codependent relationship that is abusive or manipulative.

Addiction and Narcissistic Behavior

It’s a toxic combination, but according to researchers, as many as half of all people who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder also abuse alcohol and/or drugs – and many of them are doing it under the radar of the majority of the people in their lives. This puts their psychiatrists or other medical professionals in a tough spot – treating addiction along with something as difficult as narcissistic personality disorder can be tricky – and leaves professionals wondering which disease caused the other. (Was it narcissism that led to the addiction or the addiction that led to the narcissism?)

From what I’ve learned, often, one condition feeds the other – so you’re left with a “chicken or egg” kind of situation.

And as chronic drug use has been proven to make the symptoms of NPD and BPD more prominent and severe, the narcissist finds himself or herself looking for more drugs to self medicate.

They develop a tolerance for their drug of choice and they develop a dependence on it – and that leads to their addiction becoming fully established.

Since a lot of narcissists think they’re “above it all” – including the law and basic human ethics – it’ll be tough to actually help one get treatment. That’s because most narcissists won’t ever admit they actually need help. They make it almost impossible to help them, in fact.

This is even true when the addiction has completely taken over their lives – and their hostile attitude toward treatment may also become strangely competitive and aggressive.

Then, of course, as the narcissists they are, they will devalue and discard the value of both the treatment and the professionals who are trying to help them – in part, due to their natural urge to resist authority figures (outside of themselves, of course).

An interesting fact about narcissism and addiction…

Remember that in both narcissism and in addiction, there’s a common factor: shame. A lot of narcissists and alcoholics/addicts have had some kind of trauma between 18 months and 3 years old which could have caused or facilitated the condition, according to Erik Erikson’s Psychosocial Development, stage 2. While it’s not always the truth in every case, it can be a good place to start trying to figure out the cause.

This video offers insight into the psychology of narcissism and addiction.

Are you an enabler? If you feel that you’re a victim of a narcissist who is also an alcoholic or addict, how do you know if you’re enabling it?

If you’re trying to help the narcissist hide the addiction, or if you’re helping him or her to procure the drugs/alcohol s/he needs to feed the addiction (even if it’s only to shut him/her up).

Often there are two or more enablers – one who helps the narcissist feel good about himself/herself, and another who encourages the addiction (knowingly or otherwise).

And for narcissistic addicts, their primary sources of narcissistic supply are often blind to the symptoms at first, or if they do see them, they’re told over and over again that they’re just wrong, or at the very least exaggerating the issue. Often, the well-meaning supply finds himself/herself believing that maybe they WERE wrong, after all. But in reality, the narc has just pulled yet another gaslighting job on them.

If you hope to get your narc into recovery, you have to first get him to admit there’s a problem and that he’s got an addiction he can’t control – and if you know narcissists, you know they might never get there.

But it’s an absolutely necessary step in any recovery process, so without it, there’s no hope. And if you get the narc to rehab, you’d better have a lot of money – or at least some darn good insurance – because most will require the highest-end facility within a reasonable travel distance (or unreasonable). They may abuse staff and cause trouble for other patients, and they may make group therapy impossible (or, at the very least, all about them).

How You Can Help the Addicted Narcissist in Your Life

Researchers say that since most narcissists need to see instant results (and expect others to agree that they’re fully recovered in an impossibly short amount of time), they rarely manage to actually do the steps necessary to recover – and doctors say this makes their prognosis for recovery very poor.

So, while you can’t necessarily always help a narcissist addict directly, you can recognize that his or her illusions of grandeur shouldn’t become your problem or your family’s problem – instead, you have to learn to avoid strengthening the narcissist’s false self-image and focus on the fact that, statistically speaking, a narc’s prognosis for recovery is not great.

These are some ways you can help the addict in your family, according to

  • Educate yourself on addiction and recovery.
  • Try not to accuse or judge. Avoid name-calling. This is a difficult time for both of you.
  • Provide a sober environment that reduces triggers for using.
  • Allow the addict time to go to meetings.
  • Understand that your lives will change. Do not wish for your old life back. Your old life to some extent is what got you here. You both need to create a new life where it is easier to not use alcohol or drugs.
  • Make sure that you both have time for fun. People use alcohol and drugs to relax, escape, and as a reward. The addict needs to find alternative ways to relax, escape, and as a reward otherwise, they will turn back to their addiction.
  • Do not enable. Do not provide excuses or cover up for the addict.
  • Do not shield the addict from the consequences of their addiction. People are more likely to change if they have suffered enough negative consequences.
  • Set boundaries that you all agree on. The goal of boundaries is to improve the health of the family as a whole. Do not use boundaries to punish or shame.
  • If you want to provide financial support, buy the goods and services the addict needs instead of giving them money that they might use to buy alcohol or drugs.
  • Recognize and acknowledge the potential the addict has within them.
  • Behave exactly as you would if your loved one had a serious illness. What would you do if they were diagnosed with heart disease or cancer?

Do you need help dealing with an addict in the family? Here is a list of resources to get you started on your path to family recovery.

  • ( For family members of alcoholics.
  • Nar-anon ( For family members of addicts.
  • Gam-anon ( For family members of gamblers.
  • ( For co-dependent individuals.
  • ( For adult children of alcoholics and addicts.

Now it’s your turn – I want to know your thoughts.

Are you dealing with an addicted narcissist in the family, or have you in the past? What would you say your biggest struggles are or were? 

Smear Campaign: Is a narcissist trying to ruin your rep?

Smear Campaign: Is a narcissist trying to ruin your rep?

So, you’ve found yourself under fire again, the victim of yet another apparent smear campaign – courtesy of a toxic narcissist, of course.

The everyday average person can’t imagine what it’s like to experience a smear campaign at the hands of someone they love – and that’s because, in general, people who love you would never consider such behavior.

But narcissists are different – they are far more likely to engage in manipulative behavior – and for one simple reason: they will do literally anything to get what they want – and that includes maliciously lying or spreading rumors or exaggerations about you.

What is a smear campaign?

If you look up “smear campaign” in the dictionary, you’ll find that the political version of the term matches up with the narcissistic one: “a deliberate attack on somebody, by spreading an untrue and unpleasant rumor about them, or by making an accusation intended to damage their reputation.”

Quite simply, that’s what a narcissist does when he feels threatened or otherwise concerned that he might lose his narcissistic supply.

And contrary to popular belief, a narcissist who stoops to the level of creating a smear campaign is not crying out for help; rather, s/he’s crying out for attention and, in many cases, for a new source of supply.

A lot of narcs use sob stories (such as “this person has treated me so poorly, poor me, feel sorry for me) – as part of their love bombing and or hoovering tactics when they’re hooking in a new victim (or trying to re-hook you once you manage to get away).

Why Narcissists Run ‘Smear Campaigns’: The Neurological Components

As someone who isn’t a toxic narcissist, this stuff doesn’t make sense to you.

You might find yourself feeling shocked or even confused by the smear campaign, because it’s not normal behavior. The fact is that unless you’re intentionally educating yourself about toxic narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder, you can’t really understand the way a narc’s mind works.

That’s because it doesn’t work the same way as a “normal” person’s mind does. See, most people feel empathy for others in their lives, and they’d never want to hurt someone they love. But narcissists don’t really see others as people who are on the same level; to them, to put it bluntly, you are not a person.

That’s because, according to Robert Hare, PhD, “their information, including emotional information, is scattered all over both brain hemispheres – it takes too long or the brain to retrieve and process information, and the entire process of socialization becomes so ponderous that ultimately, it fails.”

Living with a narcissist puts you in a tough spot: you sort of forgo the simple pleasures in life. Rather than taking fun strolls down memory lane and laughing together, you’ll find yourself feeling like you’re literally sleeping with the enemy.

It’s like the very stuff that makes life worth living becomes forbidden to you – and as you watch those in healthy relationships have normal, healthy interactions with their loved ones, the pain can become even more intense.

But as always, you smile as you die a little inside, bit by bit, each time your voice gets silenced…each time you are blamed and shamed for reacting to your narcissist’s emotional and verbal abuse.

Sadly, this behavior is entirely normal for toxic narcissists. See, they are people psychologists group in with the Cluster B personality disorders – and these types are known to pathologically lie, gaslight and run smear campaigns on their victims.

While the narcissist is capable of understanding that causing social harm, damage and general invalidation of your fundamental human rights is wrong, it doesn’t stop him/her – and they also continue with lying and manipulating people and trying to gaslight them, knowing it is morally wrong.

But though they recognize the moral wrongness, they equally show no concern about it as they actively work to recruit flying monkeys – people who (wittingly or not) do the narcissist’s bidding.

What does a smear campaign look like?

So, for example, a narcissist might run a smear campaign on a friend or even a spouse by making up rumors and stories about their target’s mental health (or lack thereof). This way, when or if their victims try to speak out or get help (or even support) with the abuse, the victim’s credibility has been undermined in advance.

The narcissist will point out that the victim is behaving exactly as s/he predicted, and will use the victim’s natural response to this outrageous smear campaign against him or her.

Worse, a narcissist actually sort of “gets off” on this kind of stuff – the idea of “getting away” with something gives them something to feel excited about. They have absolutely no empathy for anyone else, and they only show feelings of remorse if it becomes necessary to do so – as in, if they get caught.

As the victim spirals through the pain and emotional torment of being publicly humiliated and experiencing the deepest depths of shame, betrayal and general invalidation, the narcissist feels no sadness or remorse; rather they find themselves feeling physical, emotional and psychological pleasure. The narcissist will project whatever image might suit their needs at the moment on to the target, and they use this to self-stroke their ego.

This video is helpful in understanding smear campaigns and how to overcome them.

A Smear Campaign is Like Emotional Masturbation

It’s a bit like emotional masturbation, which they accomplish by manipulating other people’s relationships and creating situations in which they can triangulate people.

Then, they lie about one of their sources of supply to the other and they end up feeling very powerful, at least for a moment.

And these days, one of the easiest and most effective ways to covertly bully a victim is through social media. This might begin subtly at first, as in sharing “pointed” memes and quotes, or it might be more overt, as directly calling out the victims on social media.

This usually involves some perceived offense in which the target stands up for him or her self and is rewarded with a big old case of narcissistic injury.

And even harder to swallow is the fact that narcissists will often claim to be victims of their own kinds of abuse – and they’ll play the injured party while they torment their targets secretly.

And, when a kind-hearted person takes pity on the poor, injured narcissist, as they inevitably do, the narcissist feels validated and immediately understands that they’ve found a new potential target – or at the very least, a new flying monkey.

What it all comes down to is that since narcissists are virtually incapable of normal human emotional behavior, they must manufacture joy and happiness by taking a rather sadistic pleasure in being the predatory creatures they are.

Even if they’re directly confronted with actual facts that invalidate their lies, narcissists will hold on to those lies. Worse, the longer the smear campaign continues, the more committed the narcissist becomes and the more outrageously he will behave.

So how can you deal with a narcissist who is smear campaigning you?

Honestly, while exposing the narcissist to the people in his life may help some of them to get a clue and stop allowing themselves to be his narcissistic supply, it’ll only temporarily slow the narcissist down.

In fact, it’ll give him or her the proper fuel s/he needs to get his next supply on the line – his very own savior. Because, of course, in his version of the story, you’ll be just the crazy bitch who was so mean and hateful to him and who tried to make his family and friends hate him.

You feel me? It’s a cycle.

It’s not worth it – it will only further serve to make you miserable.

If you’re still dealing with the narcissist, you can try this tip.

If you’re stuck with the narcissist because you’re co-parenting, or because he or she is your boss or mother-in-law and you just can’t go NC for some reason, the best response is to use the gray rock method – in which you literally don’t react at ALL.

But the best solution to deal with smear campaigns is this.

The best and only solution to dealing with this kind of person and remaining or becoming happy in your life is to take back your power and choose to create the life you really want, with or without the narcissist – most likely, without. Going no contact or low contact is statistically the most successful way to do it and the only “sure-thing” kind of answer you can find.

What do you think? Have you ever been the target of a smear campaign? How did you handle it? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments section below this video and let’s discuss it. You never know who your story could help!

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Answered: Your Questions on Emphatic Validation in Narcissistic Abuse

Answered: Your Questions on Emphatic Validation in Narcissistic Abuse

Today, I’m answering a question from YouTuber iwish itwassnowing, who said:

“Hi Angie, thanks for your work.

However, l couldn’t help noticing the following things that seem contradictory to what you have been saying in your videos so far, at least among those l’ve watched.

1.The suggestion to use emphatic validation ( it shows on the slide at 15:57). From my experience, it doesn’t work. “Putting it nicely” doesn’t work. Even if we were to speak solely from a theoretical point of view, since they’re out to get supply, anything you say is going to be used against you, no matter how you phrase it.

2. Isn’t “healthy narcissist” (it shows on the slide at 16:35) an oxymoron?”

In the Go Ask Angie series, I respond “off the cuff” to questions, comments and concerns sent to me by my YouTube viewers, readers from my site and those who reach out in other ways, such as by email.

Learn more at Get my books at and pick up your free 5-day fear-busting email course (especially designed for narcissistic abuse survivors) at

This answer is in response to this video:

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