If you are living with, married to, dating or otherwise involved with someone who seems to have a dark personality, this video is for you. Whether you’re dealing with NPD or another cluster B personality disorder, you can benefit from understanding the psychology of it all.
I’ll explain exactly how scientists say we naturally sort of “see” narcissists, psychopaths and machiavellians just by their facial features – and much more.
Emotions control much of what happens throughout both our individual lives and in the world. Entire wars have begun as a result of human emotions. We make decisions about whether to get married or divorced based on our emotions. Ideas and inventions, passions, and hobbies are all driven by emotion, part of our internal drive to change the way we feel.
Emotional states affect our daily attitudes, thoughts, and behaviors. If we don’t take control of our emotional states, many other aspects of our lives will be out of control as well.
Mastering your emotional state is an essential element to achieving success, contentment, fulfillment, and happiness.
Learn how you can master your emotional states with the easy strategies in this guide.
There are individual differences in what people decide to do with their story. What enables one person to experience personal trauma and tragedy and then decide to use it to their advantage in life, while that same situation makes another person feel like life is not worth living?
Some of the most incredible, happy people have experienced great personal tragedies.
On the flip side, people with every advantage in the world sometimes squander it and spend their days in addiction rehab centers as a result of drugs and/or alcohol.
What story are you telling yourself?
Ask yourself these questions:
Is the status quo in your life just the way it’s always been and there’s nothing that can change it?
Or, on the other hand, is there some way that you can you use your experiences to propel you forward toward greater success and happiness? How?
If your current story doesn’t serve you, then change it!
Beginning to change your story involves figuring out the meaning of events and issues in your life. It also means challenging the current story you have in your head and figuring out your life’s purpose.
Let your story encourage you to take action to make your dreams come true. When you’re living your life’s purpose, you’ll find greater contentment as you pursue your passions and arrange your life around what’s most important to you.
Changing your story requires you to look back into your past. But what about the present? How do you control your emotions on a daily basis in your regular routines? For this part of your emotional mastery, practice self-awareness.
There are certain automatic thoughts that all people have that go a long way in dictating their emotional states.
For example, how do you feel when someone cuts you off on the highway? Do you allow yourself to become angry and upset? What about when you get a flat tire or you don’t get that promotion at work?
Use these strategies to become more self-aware and take charge of your thoughts:
Assign a different meaning to things that bring on negative thoughts.
For example, what does it mean when someone cuts you off on the highway?
Instead of being angry, one way you can think about it is by reminding yourself that not all drivers are courteous as you think they should be. Plus, realize that you don’t know their situation. Perhaps they have an emergency.
These new thoughts diffuse your anger so you can let it go and move on.
When you control what’s going through your mind at any given moment, you’ve put yourself back in charge of your emotions.
Just as you can adjust your story to support you, by practicing self-awareness you can alter your current thoughts to support you, too!
Research has shown that gratitude goes a long way towards achieving a state of happiness. In fact, it’s hard not to be happy when you’re feeling grateful.
When you live in a state of gratitude, you’re also more likely to show prosocial, helping behaviors. Others tend to reciprocate such behaviors, and you end up with a circle of greater happiness for everyone involved!
You can practice gratefulness in many different ways.
Consider these methods:
Spend five to ten minutes in quiet meditation and focus on the different things you’re grateful for in your life.
Uplift someone. Another is by going out of your way each day to compliment or thank someone, without expecting any recognition in return.
Help others. Spend time volunteering at food pantries or homeless shelters.
When we start taking small steps on a regular, daily basis to take control of our emotional states, we become more skilled in emotional fitness. Emotional fitness and awareness cultivates maturity, astuteness, and success, and can make a positive difference in your overall quality of life.
But we can have an intense feeling of deep affection for someone who doesn’t feel the same way about us, so in my opinion, that’s not real love.
A lot of us think we want “real love,” but most of us can’t even really define the word effectively. After all, we can liken describing love to describing color – you can’t really “get it” unless you’ve felt it.
Love isn’t just experienced with your logical mind, and yet your logical mind is what attempts to define it. Real love is the result of your intention to love – but it’s very different from your intention to BE loved. Real love is something we “are” rather than something we “get” or share. That’s why it’s so confusing.
Maybe a better definition is that love is a feeling that expresses itself through action and acts of service. It’s what we do, and our intention behind it. It’s not the need for control, or security, and it’s not jealousy. It’s mutual trust, mutual respect, and deep, lasting friendship. It’s finding beauty in one another even in the darkest times in our lives, and loving one another even when it feels hard.
Relationships are difficult. But when we can commit to one another for life, bringing in the deepest parts of ourselves (the good, the bad, and the ugly) – and then accept one another, flaws and all, we can find love. Avoid bad dating relationships, difficult marriages, and inevitable divorce with this advice.
As humans, we’re sometimes very hard on ourselves – and this is especially true when narcissistic abuse is or has been an issue in your life. Whether we’re conscious of it or not, our beliefs can sometimes be very damaging to our self-esteem. Unfortunately, these negative talking points in our head sometimes keep us stuck in a rut.
A great psychologist, Albert Ellis, had many tokens of wisdom to pass around. One of his ideas centralized around these negative thoughts, which he often referred to as irrational beliefs.
Discover how you can stop this vicious circle and turn your self-talk into words that support and encourage you, instead.
The first step to stopping negative self-talk is figuring out what is triggering these negative beliefs in the first place.
Albert Ellis called these so-called triggers “activating events.” These can be everyday occurrences that happen to us or around us. Anything from having your boss or supervisor yell at you and take away your project to experiencing a run-in collision with a deer on a country road can be an activating event.
Are you in conflict with another? Did something not go your way?
Further, triggers can also be incredibly personal to you and unique to your life. These are sometimes referred to as “red flags.” Red flags are issues that pertain to you alone, such as your weight, family and close relationships, integrity, and anything else that you deem sacred.
When these issues get raised, they immediately set off an alarm within you.
Identify Irrational Beliefs
These irrational beliefs are the real culprits behind why we get upset or angry at the triggers we’ve just experienced, according to Albert Ellis. It’s not the trigger itself, but the beliefs that cause the negative self-talk.
Ellis claimed that these irrational beliefs are responsible for our emotional states, also known as the consequences of our beliefs. In this way, by identifying and then changing these beliefs, we can experience fewer emotional consequences.
For example, let’s look at this process:
You just learned that you got turned down for a promotion at work.
Getting turned down for the promotion is the activating event or trigger.
The underlying thoughts or irrational beliefs you might be having include, “I’m never going to advance my career,” “My boss hates me,” or even “My boss is never fair to me.”
These beliefs or thoughts can lead to emotional consequences of sadness and depression.
Dispute Irrational Beliefs
The idea behind identifying these negative, irrational beliefs is so you can do something to change them.
You can change them by challenging these beliefs. This is a process of examining the truth and reality and seeing that it is different from your belief.
In the prior example of getting turned down for a promotion, a series of questions can be asked to help you sort through reality from these irrational beliefs. You want to challenge yourself by asking questions that are almost the opposite of your identified beliefs.
Some of these challenge questions may be:
What is the truth in this situation?
Do I have evidence to support that my current beliefs are true?
In the example above: Are there times when my boss has been fair?
Is it true that I’ll never advance in my career, or is this just a minor setback?
These questions can help you identify the truth from what you may erroneously believe or negatively think about a situation.
If you can identify the truth, this can lead you to think differently and avoid suffering the emotional consequences of the trigger in the first place.
Follow this process whenever you notice thoughts that are unkind to you. Change your beliefs and you’ll find your self-talk becoming words of encouragement, instead.
This is the full interview I recently conducted with Spartan Life Coach Richard Grannon – uncut and uncensored.
About Richard Grannon
Richard Grannon, NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) Master Practitioner, is passionate about helping people defend themselves, get back on their feet, and finally free themselves from narcissistic abuse. Richard attended Aston University, where he studied Psychology and trained under Richard Bandler, the co-developer of Neuro-Linguistic Programming. Much of Grannon’s specific interest in narcissistic abuse originally stemmed from personal relationships — he’d witnessed it firsthand before and could tell something that something was wrong or “off,” yet he couldn’t quite identify it. It was only through his psychological training that he began to recognize patterns of narcissistic abuse. Richard realized that this was likely the case for victims worldwide: they were either unaware of how they were being treated, or unaware of any possible solutions to their problems. Richard graduated with a BSc in Psychology and a renewed sense of purpose. He could offer direct, practical solutions for narcissistic abuse victims and help them reclaim their self-worth. As a NLP Master Practitioner Richard Grannon cherishes his ability to reach a wide range of people. He’s worked with people from all kinds of different backgrounds and guided them toward the way out, all while helping them take back their power and sharpen their sense of reality. He draws on elements of numerous forms of psychotherapy, such as NLP, cognitive behavioral therapy, zen meditation, psychodynamics and more, to create the most effective and personalized solutions possible for each individual client.