*Editor’s Note: Dear SPANily, this list of horrible insults and manipulative phrases was submitted by a fellow narcissistic abuse survivor, Anna, who tells her story in this post. I’m publishing it here because I agree with Anna that it may help one of our fellow survivors recognize their own abuse. Love, Angie
By Anna
I started keeping a list of his abusive phrases months ago, mostly because I needed to see them in writing to believe they were real. I cannot fathom why I’ve allowed him to say these things to me. I am sharing them with you (sorry for some of the language), so you can share them if you like. Maybe they will help another victim to know there is hope and that there are people who understand.
Here is the list.
I am late because of you.
I have to take care of you.
This is what I have to do everyday-work for you and those f***ing cats
Do you know how much you eat?
You’re a pig
Everything will be ok if you just shut the **** up
All women are w****s
Do you know how good you got it?
Get the **** out of the truck, b***h
You’re ****ing stupid
You know I love you, right?
Don’t touch me
Get away from me
Here I bought you this
Has anyone else ever done this much for you?
Women don’t have friends
It’s because you’re stupid
Fix me something to eat, bitch
I am going to bust you in your teeth
You are so f***ing stupid
That’s how you do
Think about it, how good you got it
You can’t even take care of yourself
If you show up with a black eye, you better tell them everything is ok
Why are you so mean to me?
I knew you had something going on; you planned this
I don’t need you; I don’t care if you are here or not
You’re nasty
Do you know what you did wrong?
I don’t give a ****
Do you know how much it cost me?
Get your s**t and get out; never come back to this house!
I will pay for it, and then I will own me
See what you did to me?
I cannot be happy because I am with you
It’s about time to beat your a**
You are almost well enough to be hit
I have to deal with everything
Do you understand me?
Is there anything else?
I am going to break this phone.
Get help with narcissistic abuse recovery right now.
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Other Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups– We also have separate groups for each stage in your narcissistic abuse recovery and some for those who have moved past recovery and are evolving into the next stage of their own life. Survivors have unique and individual needs, even when they’ve moved on – so we’re still here for you.
One-on-One Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching – If you prefer to get more personalized support in your recovery, you might like to schedule a session with one of our coaches to plan and execute your own narcissistic abuse recovery plan.
Find a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapist – If you’re looking for a therapist for narcissistic abuse recovery because you have additional issues you need to address that do not fall within the realm of coaching, you will want to find the right therapist for you – and as far as we’re concerned, that therapist must understand what you’ve been through. This page offers assistance to help you do exactly that.
Editor’s Note: Dear SPANily, this story was submitted by Anna, a fellow survivor of narcissistic abuse. We share it to offer you hope and to help you understand that you’re not alone. Want to share your story? You can do so right here.
Anna’s Story
I reconnected with a long time friend in the spring of 2015. We first met as teenagers in 1980, and we are both in our mid-50s now. We’d always kept in touch between relationships and were close. I knew him and I trusted him. I moved 1100 miles at his request to be with him. He told me to move into his house and I did. I got a pretty decent job and believed after all these years the magic was going to happen for me. I fell in love with him.
I lived with him for 3 years until mid-summer of 2018. I use the word “lived” loosely as I feel I merely survived. In addition to the living/dating relationship early on in the love bombing stage, he convinced me to leave my job and come to work for his company.
He said, “Just think of all the freedom you will have, you can come and go etc. as you wish. I will pay you x amount etc. It will be great! “
It has been the worst 3.5 years of my life.
I do not think I can put it into words, but here are a couple of examples of what it was like.
The Flu of 2016
I had the flu for two weeks in 2016 and this is what happened:
He said, “You know when you get well you are going to owe me for all this?”
I said, “You mean I owe you something for taking care of me when I am sick?”
No answer.
Then he comes over and starts picking up cough drop wrappers and says, “I have to clean this shit up.”
He then proceeds to call his friend on the phone and tells them how sick with the flu he is. But he is not sick. He continues lying to his friend about how he is struggling to make it through – no mention as to my health or me at all.
Stripping Me of My Identity, One Thing at a Time
I was allowed a 2 x 3 closet for my clothes when I said it is hard for me to fit all my things in this space he told me to get rid of my things until they would fit. I ended up renting a storage container.
How I Finally Escaped, Sort Of
After 3 years of his abuse, I found a very small house and somehow managed to purchase it. I told him I was buying it so my elderly mother would have somewhere to go where she would not have to climb stairs. I convinced him I was telling the truth because my mother is 86 years old.
Meanwhile, I started secretly moving my personal belongings (one backseat full at a time) to the new place. It took about 2 months since I could only load the car when he was gone, but finally, my things were out of his house!
I kept just enough to get ready for work on a daily basis, stopping by my house to trade out clothes on the way to and from work. Eventually, the devalue/discard stage started (as it did on a regular basis) and one night in a rage he told me to leave.
I did. I drove to my home and have been there for 6 months.
I knew he was going to hoover and I knew I was going to be weak so, I went to the humane society and adopted a kitten. This way when he hoovered I could not move back to his house. He has two big cats that don’t play well with others, so my kitten at his house was a no-go.
The Journey Isn’t Over, But There’s Light at the End of the Tunnel
As of today, we are still dating because I work for him and I can not go no contact. I am a gray rock queen and I am not sure I am capable of feeling anything.
My plan for the new year is to secretly get another job. I am 56 years old, so age discrimination is somewhat of a problem. I have a BA from a good University and I am pretty good at a lot of things. My dream is to be a professional writer-blogger etc. however, if I can find something which pays enough to live on I will run like the wind. I am working on my final escape plan.
To Angie: I don’t think I would be writing this today if not for you. I cannot thank you enough for the genuine kindness I feel coming through your videos. Your advice is always on point and well…who doesn’t love coffee?
If you’re co-parenting with a narcissist, this is the group for you. SPANily Support for Co-Parenting with a Narcissistis a parenting-focused narcissistic abuse recovery support group by Angie Atkinson and QueenBeeing.com.
Things to Know:
This group is part of the QueenBeeing SPANily family of support groups. See more groups here.
Your group leaders are QueenBeeing coaches Angie Atkinson, Lise Colucci, Colleen Brosnan and Misty Dawn. Each of us is a certified life coach and have experience co-parenting/parallel parenting with narcissists.
We are here to support you and we expect you to support our fellow survivors/parents in this group in return.
QueenBeeing.com offers all kinds of resources for support for people who are affected by narcissistic abuse and working on their recovery. That includes group support. We have both free and inexpensive options. Our other support groups currently include:
Divorce Support– Offers Support for Divorcing a Narcissist, Before, During and After. There is no greater emotional pain that can be inflicted on someone than divorce, whether you initiate it or your narcissistic partner does. Even if you have “seen it coming” for a while now, and the idea of it comes as no big surprise, the process itself will feel difficult and traumatic.
Support for Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents – If one or both of your parents were narcissists, chances are, you’re struggling more than you may realize. If you need support from people who have been where you are, this is the group for you. Facilitated by Angie Atkinson and Colleen Brosnan.
Boldly Evolving Empaths (QueenBeeing BEEs) – For those who have passed the discovery and understanding phases and are ready to push forward into the next phase in their lives. A free, private facebook group that’s professionally facilitated by our coaches Angie Atkinson and Lise Colucci and admin staff.
The SPANily Home – QueenBeeing.com’s OFF-FACBOOK private narcissistic abuse recovery and resource center. Closely monitored and managed by our team of certified narcissistic abuse recovery coaches. Pricing starts at $3.99 per month.
Holidays with a narcissist can be horrible and painful. Not only might you be dealing with your standard “holiday hoover maneuver” if you’ve already separated from the narcissist in your life, but if you’re in the middle of a toxic relationship, chances are, your holidays, birthdays and other special events are ruined every time.
Plus, I’ll fill you in on exactly what you can do to avoid it. The fact is that it’s always hard to deal with a narcissist, whether you’re still in the toxic relationship or you’ve recently left it. But due to the narc’s behaviors and patterns, there are times when we find ourselves feeling weak, almost powerless to resist their charms – even when we KNOW BETTER.
The “hoovering” technique was named after the famous vacuum cleaner company, and it’s one of many common manipulation tactics employed by abusive, toxic narcissists.
This is when a narcissist sort of “sucks” his victim back into the relationship, or some version of it. It often begins innocently enough, sort of subtly, but it always happens with one target – to regain control.
Survive the Holidays With or Without Narcissists: YES YOU CAN!
It’s always hard to deal with a narcissist, whether you’re still in the toxic relationship or you’ve recently left it. But due to the narc’s behaviors and patterns, there are times when we find ourselves feeling weak, almost powerless to resist their charms – even when we KNOW BETTER. Here’s help.
