63 Things Narcissistic Mothers Say

63 Things Narcissistic Mothers Say

Narcissistic mothers are the queens of manipulation. They are experts at getting their own way. Their most powerful tool is your guilt. Your narcissistic mother will guilt-trip you with the memory of how difficult she had it when she brought you into this world, or how much she sacrificed to ensure that you had, what she thinks that you have – a good life.

Narcissistic Mothers Are Verbally and Emotionally Abusive.

Do narcissistic parents have a handbook? You might think so when you hear what I’m going to share with you today. After a poll of the SPANily Support Group for Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents, I’ve compiled a list of the most commonly used phrases by narcissistic mothers.

What is a narcissistic mother?

A narcissistic mother is a (generally) female parent who may have either narcissistic personality disorder or pathological narcissist traits. She is neglectful, controlling, abusive, or otherwise toxic to her children. Narcissistic mothers are known to be toxic, or disordered, or malignant. They are genuinely different from ordinary mothers in some very specific ways. Narcissistic mothers have so little capacity for empathy that they don’t recognize the needs and feelings of other people as having any validity or relevance. Many of their adult children become one of two things: a narcissist themselves, or a victim of one.

  • A narcissistic mother will do anything to get her own needs met, without regard for anyone else’s.
  • Her children are just objects to be used to satisfy her desires, no different than objects she might purchase or collect. She doesn’t really see them as people, and she certainly doesn’t see them as equals.
  • Her goal is to make her children meet her emotional needs rather than the other way around. She wants what she wants; it’s irrelevant whether her children want the same thing.
  • Her children are not people with feelings and needs of their own; they are extensions of her. They exist only to make her look good or feel good about herself. She may love them, but only in the sense that she “loves” things that serve her; they are not allowed to have an existence separate from hers, nor a future that does not involve being a part of hers.
  • The children learn quickly that their role is to satisfy their mother’s needs and desires, and that they exist only as extensions of her. Many grow up into adults who have a hard time making decisions or going after what they want because they have been trained to think primarily of others’ feelings rather than their own.

Can narcissistic mothers change?

Is any narcissist capable of change? As narcissistic personality disorder (and/or narcissistic traits) are unlikely to be resolved and often have roots in childhood trauma, narcissistic mothers are unlikely to change. A narcissistic mother has an extreme need for admiration, power, or control, combined with other traits of narcissism, including arrogance, lack of empathy, and a sense of entitlement, among others. As I’m sure you’ve deduced by now, a narcissistic mother is unlikely to have the willingness or even the ability to create genuine and positive change on any significant level.

How do you know if you’ve been raised by a narcissistic mother?

If you were raised by a narcissistic mother, you were likely, at the very least, subjected to emotional abuse. If this is the case, you’ll recognize the tell-tale traits of someone who has been raised by a narcissistic mother.

What are the signs of narcissistic abuse by your mother?

  • Sometimes, she liked you. Other times, someone else got to be her golden child. Narcissist mothers will often shower affection and praise on others only to withdraw it when you fail to meet their standards.
  • The child of a narcissist can be hurt in many different ways because of the manipulations and expectations set upon him or her.
  • You might feel guilty for not meeting expectations or become overly reliant on the parent for approval and acceptance. It is important for these individuals to seek help through therapy so they can learn to cope with their feelings and move forward.
  • Children of narcissistic mothers often suffer from low self-esteem and depression. They are at higher risk of becoming narcissists themselves.
  • See what it means to self-identify as a child of narcissistic parents.

How are narcissistic mothers different with their sons than their daughters?

“Sons of narcissistic mothers suffer damage to their autonomy, self-worth, and future relationships with women,” says Darlene Lancer, LMFT, at Psychology Today.

Lancer adds:

Narcissistic mothers tend to see their daughters both as threats and as annexed to their own egos. Through direction and criticism, they try to shape their daughter into a version of themselves or their idealized self. At the same time, they project onto their daughter not only unwanted aspects of themselves, such as self-centeredness, obstinance, selfishness, and coldness, but also disliked traits of their own mothers. They may prefer their son, although they can harm him in other ways, such as through emotional incest.”

63 Things Narcissistic Mothers Say

While you might want to believe that your parents love you, the sad truth is they might not. Narcissistic mothers say hurtful and insensitive things because they’re narcissists and they even consider your feelings. They’re selfish and only care about themselves and their needs.

Narcissistic mothers say hurtful and insensitive things because they’re narcissists and they don’t care about you. They’re selfish and only care about themselves and their needs. It is an unfortunate fact that most narcissistic moms manipulate their children in order to meet their own personal needs. They use guilt trips to get what they want from you which is sad because children should be able to depend on their parents for unconditional love.

How many times have you heard these hurtful statements from your mother?

Things narcissistic mothers say when you’ve made a choice they don’t agree with

  • You only did that to hurt me!
  • You’re so ungrateful.
  • You never stop to think.
  • You are SO selfish!
  • This is never going to work.

Things narcissistic mothers say when you’re upset or crying about something and they are annoyed by your emotions, which they feel are not real or relevant.

  • Get over it.
  • You’re so dramatic.
  • I’ll give you something to cry about.
  • I told you so.
  • Why do things always affect you more than other people?
  • These are the choices that you have made.

Things narcissistic mothers say when you attempt to confront them about anything

  • What is wrong with you? You’re making too much out of nothing.
  • I never did that, you are just sensitive, I don’t remember it that way.
  • I don’t care.

Things narcissistic mothers say when you have proved them wrong or have a different opinion than they do

  • You think you’re SO smart!
  • I have no idea what you’re talking about.
  • Who told you that? You’re so gullible; you can’t believe everything people say.

Things narcissistic mothers say when you question their authority

  • Don’t you dare look at me like that.
  • Get that look off your face before I slap it off.
  • Who do you think you are?
  • How DARE you question me?

Things narcissistic mothers say when they’re guilt-tripping you

  • I will die without you.
  • You’re breaking my heart.
  • You are the reason your father and I divorced.
    You only care about yourself.
  • I’ve given up my whole life for you!
  • You owe me this (because I gave you life)
  • I’m the only one who will ever really love you.
  • You’re ungrateful.

Things narcissistic mothers say when they are tearing you down and devaluing you

  • You were a mistake. Everything in my life is your fault, because you were born.
  • You’re just like (insert awful individual here)!
  • You’re never going to amount to anything. I don’t know whose child you are.
  • I’m so ashamed of you. You should be ashamed of yourself.
  • No one will ever love you. No one will ever want you.
  • You are worthless.
  • You’re immature.
  • You don’t deserve to be happy.
  • Just wait till your father gets home!
  • It’s a shame you don’t have any friends. People would like you more if you weren’t so ______.
  • Everyone else agrees that you’re horrible/lazy/stupid/otherwise unsavory.

Things narcissistic mothers say when they are jealous of you

  • You’re such a Polly Anna, always with your rose-colored glasses on!
  • You think you’re so pretty/smart/good
  • You’re a (insert rude term here) and you are only trying to get attention!
  • Guys only like you because you’re a (insert rude term here), or girls only like you for your money.
  • People always used to tell me I was pretty.
  • You’re ugly on the inside.

Things narcissistic mothers say when they are issuing back-handed compliments

  • You’re so smart but you have zero common sense
  • You would be so pretty if you just lost a few pounds
  • Your house is so clean! No wonder your two-year-old can’t read yet.
  • That dress is so pretty! It would look great on your sister.
  • I’m so proud of your accomplishment – obviously, you get it from me.

Things narcissistic mothers say when they are having delusions of grandeur

  • I am not capable of lying! How dare you accuse me of that?
  • Everyone wishes they could have a mother like me.
  • Calm down! You’re being irrational!
  • I’ll never understand how I gave birth to a horrible child like you.
  • I can’t believe you’re no good at ______. You should be successful at _______ because you’re MY child!

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support & Resources for Adult Children of Narcissistic Mothers

If you feel you need additional help and support in your narcissistic abuse recovery, look for a trauma-informed professional trained in helping people who are dealing with overcoming narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships.

You have to decide what to do from here – if you’re not sure, start with my free Narcissistic Abuse Recovery quiz. With your results will come recommended resources for your situation. It’s free. Are you looking for more personal support? You might like to join one of our private small-group coaching sessions, or you might prefer to check out our one-on-one narcissistic abuse recovery counseling and coaching sessions. 

Take the Toxic Mom Test

Could your own mother be a narcissist? Take this free self-assessment to find out whether your mom is or was a toxic person who might be a malignant narcissist, or not. 

Is your parent a narcissist? If so, these resources will be helpful for you.

Useful Info on Toxic Mothers

Resources & Support for Adult Children of Narcissists

More Free, Helpful Information & Resources to Help You Recovery From Your Narcissistic Mother

Healing After Narcissistic Abuse: 10 Answers You Need to Know

Healing After Narcissistic Abuse: 10 Answers You Need to Know

True Answers on Narcissistic Relationship Recovery: Healing Codependency & Moving Forward Q&A 

This is a special video for survivors of narcissistic abuse that’s a direct response to some of their most personal questions.

I’m answering your questions on healing and moving forward after a narcissistic relationship, including gaslighting and NPD and setting boundaries.

The narcissistic abuse recovery questions answered in the video include the following.

  1. How do I move on after I’ve spent the last two years as a recluse? I feel trapped in my head.
  2. How can I head forward to a real life filled with joy?
  3. How about how do you find the strength to say no to those you know and care for, who really need your help, when you can’t find the time to help yourself, without feeling like a huge…apple?
  4. How do you get your self-esteem back after narcissistic abuse??
  5. I feel so ashamed that I was abused. I am torn between wanting to tell people what he has done and being too scared that he will hurt me or the children, or use it in court against me. How do I find my voice?
  6. I’m scared I will fall for another narcissist. How do I stay away from these people in the future?
  7. I don’t know what a healthy relationship is; for me all men are liars, cheaters, and cold-hearted manipulators. What does a healthy relationship look like?
  8. How do you get past the “Will I ever have companionship again?” The neediness of wanting someone is killing my spirit.
  9. How can you get over being triggered by things that remind you of the ex??
  10. What to do when I can’t stop thinking about my ex?
Letting Go of the Juicer and My Narcissistic Mom

Letting Go of the Juicer and My Narcissistic Mom

My narcissistic mom was the kind of person who rationalized the decisions she made and the ones she forced on me with “if you don’t do this/if I do this, your father will kill him.”

She made me keep the secret of the neighbor who molested me at age 8. Truth was, I wanted my dad to kill him.

I remember when she told me she had an abortion, sometime after my younger brother was born in 1962 and before 1967 (that’s when they both got sober). She said she’d had the abortion because she became pregnant with a black man from the bar she hung out in and that she knew having a black baby would throw my dad over the edge.

I didn’t need to know that information and could have lived a lifetime without it.

I ended contact with my parents when my son was born in April of 2000. Their gambling addiction turned them into the same people they were when they were drinking and I had made a solemn vow to never live through that again.

Do you know how sometimes when someone gets sober, they start to see the light and start apologizing for their horrible treatment of the people around them?

Sadly, that wasn’t the case for her; sobriety didn’t cure my mom’s narcissism. She just chose to abandon us in a different way.

Grieving the Juiceman Juicer

And now, here I sit, grieving over the fact that I’m about to let go of a Juiceman juicer. I know, it’s weird – but I can’t seem to stop myself.

So why does letting go of the juicer cause me to grieve now? Because once upon a time in those 40 years of life, my mom actually rose to the occasion for eight weeks of my life and was a mom to me.

In hindsight, I realize that my dad most likely paid her to spend a 40 hour week to be my caregiver. But still, that is an unknown and she did help save my life administering the fairly grueling task of the Gerson Therapy. All I was able to do during those initial weeks of the treatment was lay on the couch and walk to the bathroom and do my own coffee treatments.

So the juicer that has been moved with me since 1991 and lived in eight different homes and garages was some sort of representation of having a real mom.

Today I am letting go of the juicer, and facing the reality of how very toxic my mother truly was.

Are you struggling with a narcissistic mother? Join our free support group for adult children of narcissists, right here.

Gaslighting, Stinky Cerebral Narcissists & Self-Awareness (or lack thereof)

Gaslighting, Stinky Cerebral Narcissists & Self-Awareness (or lack thereof)

Self-Awareness, Gaslighting and Stinky Cerebral Narcissists: Ask Me Anything Q&A – Manipulation and NPD go hand in hand. Whether you’re dealing with a covert narcissist or a more overt one, this video is for you.

Today, I’ll answer the following questions, asked by the SPAN community when I said, “Ask me anything!”

  • Do narcissists consciously know what they are doing or is it subconscious?
  • Why do narcissists often resort to saying “you’re too sensitive,” or calling you “crazy” when you call them out on their mean and twisted behaviors?
  • Why is hygiene not important to some narcissists?

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