Does the narcissist miss you?

Does the narcissist miss you?


Does the narcissist think about you after the discard? Short answer: yes, but not for the reasons one would hope. Let me explain.

For the average toxic narcissist, the discard leads to the “out of sight, out of mind” phenomenon. They don’t see you as a whole person but as an extension of themselves. Their perception of relationships isn’t the same as yours or mine – they see previous relationships sort of like they see their smartphones.

Sure, when they first got them, they were new and shiny and fast. They had new features. But eventually, they slowed down and they became obsolete. A newer, faster, better model came out. They quickly upgraded. Maybe they miss a feature or two, but in general, they don’t dwell on their old phones.

Narcissists are infamous for going to revisit old flames, for sure. But you’ve got to know that it’s not about the old flame. Instead, it is about what they can get from the former flame in the form of narcissistic supply.

Don’t confuse that with the idea that they miss you or that they feel something real. Think of it like this: let’s say you’re craving ice cream and you hear the ice cream truck coming down the street.

“What luck,” you think. “I was just craving ice cream!”

You go outside and you stand there with your money. As the ice cream truck approaches, you won’t turn away and go back inside if it isn’t the truck you expected to see. You are not thinking of that specific ice cream truck at all. You’re only thinking of the delicious ice cream you’re about to indulge in – so it’s what it can provide, not the truck itself. You can and would get your ice cream fix from any ice cream truck.

Does that make sense? Let’s dig in and relate this to narcissists and their psychology.

By nature, narcissists are extreme in their affections, so they’re as shallow as they are unstable.

During the love bombing phase, narcissists will find you to be highly desirable. Since they’re in “acquisition mode” during the beginning of a relationship, they’re on their best behavior. Since they’re trying to get you “hooked,” they are trying to “win” you – and this means they don’t bother looking for anything wrong. They put you up on a pedestal – and they fool both you and themselves.

The truth is that part of the reason we don’t notice the red flags during that time is that they actually BELIEVE it in the moment – they really think, at least temporarily, that they have found Mr. or Ms. Perfect.

You have to remember too that narcissists lack object constancy, and that means they can only see you as either perfect or totally and completely worthless – there is no in-between. Of course, right about the time they get you fully attached, they start to notice little flaws about you. Nothing big – just enough to help them recognize that you are, in fact, human.

Of course, now that they’ve got you in their clutches, they see you as a sort of object – a trophy, if you will. While the initial days of this phase will feel too good to be true, you’ll soon notice that it actually IS – the idealization (or love bombing) phase ends abruptly and painfully as you head into the discard phase.

This is around the time they get bored. The narcissist’s feelings seem to go from fire to ice: they will suddenly become the most critical person you’ve ever met. It’ll start subtly at first, maybe, a veiled insult here and there, and before you know it, you’re the primary target of quietly horrific psychological abuse.

Most narcissists can’t have decent relationships – once they know they have you, they almost feel like they don’t want you anymore. Of course, if they lose you, they go into “hoovering” mode. That means they’ll suddenly NEED to be with you again and nothing will stand in their way – the chase resumes and they’ll pursue you like no other (at least until they have you back – in which case they’ll go right back into the devalue and discard phases).

This can feel almost as good as love bombing to an unsuspecting codependent. But as always, the other shoe drops and, despite how sincerely they recently professed their love, no matter how many exciting and detailed plans they future-faked you into believing – as soon as their interest wanes, they suddenly develop a very convenient case of amnesia and start backing toward the proverbial exit door and right out of the relationship. This is, as you already know, a vicious cycle that can continue for months, years or even decades.

And where does all of this leave you? Devastated is an understatement. You won’t understand how someone who was just so passionate and hot for you is suddenly freezing you out. But why would they be so cold?

Here’s the awful but simple truth: in this moment, they do not care about you. Yes, they may try to suck you back in at some point, and yes, this cycle WILL repeat. But the truth is that it’s not YOU they’re coming for – it’s the narcissistic supply you offer them. It’s not who you are. It’s what you can do for them.

So is this all YOUR fault, or what? Did you do something wrong?

No. The fact is that you couldn’t have done anything to change this situation – the narcissist repeats this cycle in every single one of their relationships. No matter who you are – and you could be the most amazing person on the planet – it doesn’t matter. The narcissist does not succeed in relationships – at least not long-term, healthy ones.

Don’t get me wrong – in many cases, they’ll sit around and suck up your narcissistic supply for years if you let them. They are incapable of keeping up a healthy facade for long – and this will lead healthier targets (people who haven’t had their self-esteem destroyed by their parents or another toxic relationship, for example) to walk away from the narcissist. That will often lead a narcissist back to a more “reliable” form of supply.

Bottom line? Narcissists seem to stop thinking about you when they no longer want you, but most narcissists repeat this cycle over and over again with you and with everyone they get involved with in various capacities.

 

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: How to Tell if You’re Dealing with Mind Control

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: How to Tell if You’re Dealing with Mind Control


Let’s talk about narcissists and mind control, shall we? Narcissists love to manipulate you and control you. Often, this looks like gaslighting and brainwashing – and it can be so subtle that you don’t even realize it’s happening!

What is mind control exactly? It involves the manipulative tactics narcissists use to subtly control and manipulate you. It could involve gaslighting, projection, lying, hiding and more – and narcissists are especially happy to use it to sort of “manage you” so that you will do, say and be exactly what they want in any given moment.

The worst part is that it could happen to literally anyone. Even the most intelligent people can be subjected to mind control, and that’s partially because of it’s subtle but highly-targeted nature.

So how can you tell if you’re dealing with a narcissist who is using these pervasive techniques on you? How do you know if you’re under mind control?

The fact is that you just don’t know, right? Let me play the devil’s advocate for a moment here. What if I told you that everything you are doing could be a response that fits perfectly into another person’s secret plan?

If you take that as a real possibility, then you could simply just give up and decide that NOTHING is truly within your control.

But wait a minute – you don’t have to do that. You are a thinking person, right? Then you can imagine that you can have control over much more than you might realize in this moment.

So how can you know for sure?

Start with a simple question: “Am I acting or am I reacting?”

If you are reacting, then you are almost automatically responding to something you see as outside of your control. You’re doing this in an attempt (consciously or otherwise) to gain some control back. And this is a potential sign of some form of mind control.

No one likes to feel powerless and out of control. And when we’re dealing with toxic people in our lives, we often find ourselves feeling just like that. We stop trusting ourselves, and we give into letting the narcissist run our lives, on some level or another.

So what’s the solution? How do we stop letting toxic people control our lives, and stop them from telling us what we like, what to think and who we are?

The answer is that we need to do something intentional and positive that is NOT a response to the external environment.

Let me emphasize the word “positive” here because an intentional negative/destructive act has to act on or destroy something pre-existing. It would be then something to which you are reacting.

Do you see what I mean? Let’s dig in a bit.

Choosing an intentional, positive action can be much harder than it might seem, because it requires four qualities that most survivors of narcissistic abuse can find hard to implement. They are:

1) Intentionally Thinking

I like to joke that I “think too much,” and it’s true! This might be because of my toxic relationships in the past. Honestly, while some people just don’t want to have to think about stuff, us survivors are different – we often think TOO much. We can sometimes live in our own heads, and this will leave us feeling a little out of touch, to say the least. In the throes of abuse, we can find ourselves completely checking out – dissociation comes calling. Thankfully, though, our unconscious (reactive) mind will do most of our actions for us.

Admittedly, we sometimes rely on it entirely too much or in the wrong way and allow it to dictate our every move by letting our emotions guide us. Manipulative narcissists often know this and will use it to control you by fear, anger, threats and frustration. If we’re going to make any significant change, we have to look outside of this and intentionally direct our thoughts to choose, intentionally, our emotional responses. This will give us more control of ourselves and our own lives.

2 ) Being Creative

Creativity can be difficult because it requires taking action that is not linked to some external stimulus. This, of cours,e requires thought, but we have the ability to sort of train ourselves and our unconscious minds to be very creative. Consider Salvador Dali and what he was able to do. Nothing he did in the field of art could easily be compared to anything prior to him. The same was true with his life.

Dali was absolutely fascinated by the images he would see right as he was falling asleep or starting to wake up. For him, these seemed to be extremely vivid, colorful and interestingly bizarre. In order to produce his amazing art, Dali ran various experiments where he would figure out the best way to sort of make these images happen and then capture them before they’d disappear out of his head. This would eventally lead to some of his best-known artwork.

Reportedly, the way he found that worked best was to put a tin plate on the floor and then sit by a chair beside it. He’d hold a spoon over the plate as he worked to relax his body – often, leading him to begin to fall asleep. At the very moment he’d doze off, the spoon would slip from his fingers, hitting the plate with a crash. This would wake him at the perfect moment and he could paint the surreal images before he forgot them.

3) Taking Inspired Action.

Action takes effort and motivation, and as survivors, we struggle with this sometimes. Maybe we don’t trust ourselves, or maybe we are so used to being told what to do (or how to act) that we just sort of let things happen. Or maybe we just sort of react to things and this makes us exhausted. So we think we need to conserve our energy.

But we have to remember that by taking creative action, we can actually create energy. Going back to Salvidor Dali as an example, his life was FULL of energy that he created intentionally. When his peers tried to control him, he would turn his response into a new form of performance art. This would totally bewilder the people trying to influence him – and absolutely entertain everyone else who was watching.

4) Having Courage.

I know, it’s cliche. But it’s a real thing – and a little bit will change your life. You have to have the courage to deal with feeling uncomfortable sometimes – it’s the only way we can push lives to the next level. To create change requires a little bit of discomfort – we have to find the space OUTSIDE of our comfort zones and we have to almost live there.

But why else is this important when we’re talking about mind control? Because when the narcissist sees that they cannot control you through fear and anger, they will sometimes escalate their attempts through threats, intimidation and worse, in many cases.

 

Narcissists and Exclusion as a Manipulation Tactic

Narcissists and Exclusion as a Manipulation Tactic


Social Exclusion: Narcissist Manipulation Tactics – What is exclusion and why do narcissists use it to manipulate you? And how do you deal with it? I’m answering those questions in today’s video.

How to Spot a Narcissist on Dating Sites

How to Spot a Narcissist on Dating Sites


How to Spot Narcissists On Dating Sites: Red Flags and Giveaways – This is how you recognize a narcissist’s dating profile on an online dating site or a dating app.

Stuck to a Narcissist? Here’s How to Get Free (Head, Heart & Life)

Stuck to a Narcissist? Here’s How to Get Free (Head, Heart & Life)


This is How You Get Rid of a Narcissist from Your Heart, Mind and Life Say GOODBYE to codependency! If you have asked yourself exactly how you’re supposed to get rid of a narcissist in your life, you’ve come to the right place. Whether you’re going through a divorce with a narcissist or breaking up with someone who happens to have narcissistic personality disorder, this will help you. In this video, I’ll fill you in on exactly how to get rid of a narcissist who won’t leave you alone – step by step.

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