Does This Sound Familiar? A Narcissist Recording

Does This Sound Familiar? A Narcissist Recording

Narcissist Husband Recorded – A subscriber emailed me and offered to share a recording she has of her ex-husband who she has said is a narcissist. The subscriber is also, herself, autistic and says she believes her ex may have been showing his NPD in his various forms of gaslighting. In this video, I’m sharing her recording as well as explaining my thoughts on it.

See the video here or watch on QueenBeeing.TV.

9 Ways to Level Up Your Life After a Toxic Relationship

9 Ways to Level Up Your Life After a Toxic Relationship

“Take the power to control your own life. Take the power to make your life happy.” ~Susan Polis Schutz

Are you reeling after the end of a toxic relationship with a narcissist?

The end of a toxic relationship can feel like the end of the world. While we all understand logically that maybe it’s for the best, the pain and fear that come with this kind of change can feel unbearable – our emotional side takes a while to catch up, to say the very least.

So, you have a couple of choices here. Once you have taken the time to recognize and release your emotions (which you’ll need to do if you’re going to heal, especially since most toxic partners cause us to keep our emotions buried during the relationship due to ridicule, invalidation, and intolerance), what’s next?

Starting Over After Narcissistic Abuse

How do you get a fresh start and truly begin to create the life you want?

The trick is to take the lessons you can, and to leave the rest behind – and then springboard into a new life.

You can reinvent yourself. Now that you’re free, you have the opportunity to write a new chapter in your life. To become whomever and whatever you want. To design your life with full intention. Imagine the possibilities!

What will you decide to do with this opportunity?

9 Steps to Level Up Your Life After a Toxic Relationship

Take your life to a new level after the end of your toxic relationship with these tips.

Step 1: Clean house.

Take all of those photographs, love letters, mementos, gifts, and so on and pitch them in the trash. If you’re tempted to keep them for sentimental reasons, consider your ex-partner from three relationships ago. Do you still have anything remaining from that relationship?
If you just can’t let go of those items yet, put them all in a box and put the box in the basement or garage. You can throw them away another day. Someday, you’ll be surprised that you ever wanted to keep any of it.

Step 2: Check your health.

Now is a good time to start that workout program you have been considering to make some positive changes to your body. Exercise will uplift your mood too. Lift weights, go running, join a yoga studio, or play tennis. The activity doesn’t matter as long as you get some exercise and move onward and upward. Personally, I’m all about just walking with my music in my ears or dancing around the house like no one is watching (usually when no one IS actually watching, if I’m being honest – I’m a terrible dancer!)

Step 3: Start at least one new activity.

There are plenty of things you’d like to do but haven’t yet. It’s time to start doing one of them. Join a softball team or a dance studio. It doesn’t matter what the activity is, as long as you like it. Hopefully, it will be an activity that includes other people.

Step 4: Evaluate yourself and your toxic relationship.

Take a short period of time and examine your toxic relationship. There’s no point in repeating mistakes in the future. Figure out what went wrong and how you can avoid a similar fate. Understand how you can overcome this in the future and work on your self-confidence so you can set better boundaries. Give yourself permission to unconditionally accept yourself and to set boundaries that feel right to you – not boundaries that someone else sets for you.

Step 5: Give yourself a total makeover!

A lot of toxic partners control our behavior and our appearance – we aren’t allowed to wear makeup or cut our hair, or maybe we’re made to wear a certain type of style. Either way, freshening up your look can help! Change things up a little bit. Get a fresh start by updating your wardrobe, coloring your hair, or even getting a fresh new cut. You’ll feel better. It’s like a new beginning that all the world can see.

Reconnect with old friends.

When you’re in any romantic relationship, other relationships can suffer. And narcissists tend to isolate us from the people we’re close to anyway – it allows them to control us better. Now that you’re free, it’s time to reconnect with old friends and create some new memories. Make it a point to contact everyone you’ve lost touch with. Maybe a group dinner is in order.

Learn something new.

It’s fulfilling to grow in a meaningful way. You’ve been living for someone else for too long – and chances are that the narcissist controlled both your time and your choices. You may have even been ridiculed for the interests and hobbies you wanted to indulge in. So now that no one is judging and controlling you, why not pick something that interests you and develop yourself? You might want to learn how to play the piano, paint, or skydive. Maybe you’ve always wanted to learn how to dance. Make it happen.

Take a trip.

Get away by yourself or with a friend and explore someplace new. It can be a great start to a new life, and it can be very freeing for someone who has been living under pressure with a narcissist for so long. Where would you like to go? Think outside the box and be daring. Go get your passport if you don’t already have one. The world is your oyster.

Meet new people.

Spend casual time with a variety of people, instead of focusing all of your energy on one person. Try dating people you normally wouldn’t. Maybe you’ve just been dating the wrong people in the past. Keep it fun and simple. Tip: Wait until you’re feeling strong and healed before jumping into a new relationship. Personally, I chose to wait a year after my divorce to ensure that I was really healed and ready to open my heart to someone new. You can wait longer or for less time, but it helps to sort of give yourself a pre-determined time limit so you can avoid jumping into something you’re not ready for without thinking.

Make the most of your newfound freedom and take some time to make a few modifications to yourself and your life. Try some new activities and reach out to your old friends.

Your life might just become the best it’s ever been.

Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today

Online help is readily available for survivors of narcissistic abuse. If you feel you need additional help and support in your narcissistic abuse recovery, look for a trauma-informed professional trained in helping people who are dealing with overcoming narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships. Depending on your particular situation, you might benefit from Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching, or you might do better with a therapist. But, first, you have to decide what to do from here – if you’re unsure, start with my free Narcissistic Abuse Recovery quiz. With your results will come recommended resources for your situation. Here are some options to begin healing from narcissistic abuse right away.

The Secret to Finding Yourself After a Toxic Relationship

The Secret to Finding Yourself After a Toxic Relationship

“People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates.” ~Thomas Szasz

Do you know who you are? Do you know what you believe? One of the biggest complaints I hear from survivors of narcissistic abuse as they progress in their recovery is that they don’t feel like they even know who they are anymore – and in some cases, they never did.

That’s because, while you may have had your own identity before you met the narcissist, over time, “you” disappeared and your identity became whatever the narcissist wanted it to be – often, an extension of him or her self.

Add in the fact that narcissists really don’t have an identity of their own and that they often sort of leech off of yours, or whomever the “flavor of the moment” happens to be – and well, you’re left spinning when the relationship ends. You aren’t sure where you end and the narcissist begins – or you just feel like “nothing” – like you don’t matter and you’re not important.

This is a normal perception for people who have been in abusive relationships, but it’s not accurate. You ARE important and you DO matter. And you’re right about the fact that the narcissist tried to completely erase your identity. However, unlike the narcissist, YOU will be able to find your true identity, because it’s still in there somewhere.

I told a story a few years ago about how I had gone through a bit of an existential crisis after going no contact with one of the primary narcissists in my own life. You can read that here, but the gist of it was that I had all of these inaccurate beliefs and off-base ideas in my head that had been sort of planted there by this person. It turned out that in many cases, I didn’t actually believe what I thought I believed. This, for me, was the first step in really taking back my identity: I had to release limiting beliefs that were holding me back.

Are you struggling with limiting beliefs after narcissistic abuse?

Narcissists love to keep you “stuck” and one of their most effective ways of doing this is to gaslight and manipulate you into thinking you’re worthless. This negative mindset is reinforced with nearly every interaction you have with them. When you’re ready to take back your life, one of the most important things you can do is to release those “wrong” perceptions and to create new, healthier ones – and then to operate from there.

So, in a nutshell, you need to bypass the negative mindset that you’ve adopted and shift to optimism and positivity. That’s because what you attract into your life is highly dependent on what you think and talk about most of the time, as well as the beliefs that you hold in your mind. This means that being positive (and intentionally choosing/curating your beliefs and understandings about yourself and the world around you) will attract more positive experiences and outcomes in your life, while negativity will attract more of the opposite. Implementing a practice of repeating positive affirmations every day can help you attract and manifest everything you desire in life.

You can also use my favorite practice of writing down or reciting to yourself 10 things you’re grateful for and 3 things you love about yourself – it’s the ultimate “vibe changer” – I call this intentional vibration management. I discuss that concept in more detail in this video.

Once you’ve released your limiting beliefs, you can start working on sort of “filling your vessel” or deciding what it is you really want for yourself and your life. Figuring out who you are and what you need to do in order to have a fulfilling life could be the most important and satisfying questions you’ll ever answer – and this is true no matter what your age and no matter where you are in your own narcissistic abuse recovery.

How do you “find yourself” after a toxic relationship?

How do you decide who you are and who you truly want to be? Start here: try these suggestions to guide you in your search.

  1. Clarify your values. Knowing your values helps you to make sound decisions and prioritize your activities. Consider how your values relate to your daily life. Look for opportunities to live in agreement with them. Summarize your philosophy into a personal values statement you can refer to when needed.
  2. Understand your strengths. Do you know where your talents lie and what you feel passionate about? You’ll accomplish greater things with less stress when you choose a path that lets you leverage your main assets.
  3. Build support. Finding yourself is tough work. You’ll need a sturdy network of family, friends, and colleagues you can rely on for advice and support. Being generous about sharing your resources with others increases the likelihood that they’ll want to do the same for you. **Note: since a lot of survivors of abuse find themselves isolated and removed from friends and family during the abuse, we often find ourselves feeling pretty alone afterward. That’s why I’ve created the SPANily, which includes several free online support groups and offers a great way for you to start building your own support network with people who truly understand where you are and where you’ve been.
  4. Create flow states. What activities boost your energy levels and make you lose track of time? Whether you love playing the piano or solving physics equations, chances are these flow states will suggest the fields in which you can excel. I discussed the flow state for survivors in this video if you’d like some additional context.

5. Set goals. Having a destination in mind guides your steps and keeps you on track. Where do you want to be in 5 or 10 years?

Finding and Accepting Your Truths

Listen to yourself. Finding yourself is about living authentically. Pay attention to what your mind and body are telling you. Notice when you feel engaged and when you feel lost. Is there a pattern behind these situations? You have to learn how to trust yourself again! I made a video about that – you can check that out right here.
 

Accept your feelings.

Acknowledge your emotions, even when they cause you discomfort. Trying to suppress the truth will backfire and produce more stress. When you accept your anger or sorrow, you can start thinking about positive options for dealing with it. Remember that during your abuse, your feelings were likely invalidated consistently. This is why it’s so important that you accept (and validate) your own feelings during recovery – because they do matter and they are worth having.

Ask your friends.

While you’re cultivating self-knowledge, you may benefit from listening to how others view you. Their feedback may point out the qualities and habits that you overlook.

Keep a journal.

Writing about your journey encourages you to learn and grow. Recording your activities and insights regularly can help you to find solutions to personal challenges and build your self-esteem. I have a course on Power Journaling for Narcissistic Abuse Survivors over at Life Makeover Academy if you’re interested in digging into that.

Read, watch and learn.

Observing how characters in movies and novels behave may teach you how to handle similar events in your own life. You may find yourself viewing a long-standing conflict in a new light or experimenting with a different way of responding.

Welcome new experiences.

Breaking out of your comfort zone is bound to reveal surprising facets of your personality. Taking an exotic vacation or leading a pilot project at work may inspire you to plan a bigger transformation.

Get spiritual.

For many adults, spiritual beliefs play an essential role in defining themselves and their goals. If your faith or spirituality is central to your life, study the scriptures in your tradition, talk with other members of your community, and put your beliefs into action. If you’re not already involved with a particular brand of spirituality, now is a good time to start thinking about what resonates with you. Whether you’re into traditional religion, science or something else, get clear on what feels spiritual to you.

Finding yourself is an ongoing process that lasts a lifetime. Remember that you didn’t “lose yourself” overnight – and that it might take time to fully embrace who you are and to step into your power. But being willing to discover the truth about yourself and to accept yourself unconditionally, flaws and all, is the first step you need to take.

I realize that the idea of unconditional self-acceptance and unconditional self-love is foreign to most survivors of narcissistic abuse, so I am also going to share this video with you, where I offer some tips on how to develop rock-solid self-confidence that leads to unapologetic, unconditional self-acceptance and self-love.

You can do this. If you’re still feeling confused and don’t know where to begin, consider downloading my free “Life Reset Button,” which will help you to really dig in and discover your true passion and purpose in life. Are you ready?

Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today

The good news is that you’re not alone here. Online help is readily available for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Here are some options to begin healing from narcissistic abuse right away.

Would you exploit a narcissist’s weakness?

Would you exploit a narcissist’s weakness?


Narcissists Are Weak! (THIS is a Narcissist’s Achilles Heel) – Today, we’re talking about narcissist weak spots. Narcissists seem to be unstoppable, but it turns out that they have plenty of weaknesses.

In this video, I’m sharing exactly what those weaknesses are – and how you could exploit them if you chose to do so.

The signs of narcissism aren’t always apparent, but you can rest assured that the false self they display to everyone around them isn’t real – they aren’t really that confident, and they are desperately afraid of being found out. This messed up mindset leads to their disrespect and constant invalidation when it comes to their narcissistic supply.

My Eyes Were Finally Opened: Narcissistic Abuse Survivor Story

My Eyes Were Finally Opened: Narcissistic Abuse Survivor Story

Editor’s Note: This story was submitted by a fellow survivor of narcissistic abuse. Read more stories right here, and submit your own here

My story started over 8 years ago.

I met him online and we chatted for some time before we met. He picked me up as I had no car which I thought was sweet at the time. A bit old school.

I met his friends where he socialized and they all were really nice.

Things started to go wrong when someone who knew him asked me if he had ever hit me. I was shocked and asked him about it he was very defensive and quite nasty about it which upset me.

I let it pass.

Over the years the red flags should have been enough for me to walk away. There was no depth to our relationship. I discussed what happened when I was a child with my father and his response was a friend who had been sent to prison for abuse and how he couldn’t believe this person had done it. Not the response I had expected really.

There were good times and when they were good they were really good. However, when they were bad they were horrendous.

For example, I remember being locked in the house so that I couldn’t leave to the point I nearly called the police.

Another time, we went away with a group of friends. It was always four of us – never just me and him. We were laid in bed and I just said an innocent comment in a normal tone of voice to which he went ballistic.

This left me prepared to find my own way home in a strange country with no idea how to get to the airport. Once he realized I was serious, he launched my suitcase in the road.

Red flags, wow, manipulation, no empathy, not prepared to have a two-way conversation where I felt heard and my feelings mattered. Being called names, belittled and put down for the person that I am. Standing and shouting in my face so close that he was spitting his anger at me. The anger was something else. Negativity with life in general.

I should have never put up with any of it.

I am a caring and loving person who would do anything for anyone if I can. And yet, I was told I was inconsiderate, uncaring…and the expletives…I am unsure of what I haven’t been called.

I think we so desperately want someone to give us the love and affection that we are prepared to give another if only they could treat us right.

Everything was always my fault, even when it wasn’t.

The frustration of twisted conversations saw me exhibiting behaviors that I am disgusted by. I won’t beat myself up for them though. I have never been like that in any other relationship I have ever had before.

Weeks of abuse, bullying, manipulating…and him saying he wasn’t doing it anymore; however, the abusive messages still flowed.

My last message was simply, “see ya.”

We live in the same village and go to the same club. There was a trip away this weekend which I did not go to. But I still went to the social club. I still have friends. One of the girls on Friday told me that he hit his ex-wife and another lady. She said she couldn’t tell me when we were together.

Now I am rebuilding me, I know that I am not the names I was called. I know that I deserve to be treated better than that and that I deserve love and respect and someone who can work together to build something close intimate and happy.

I don’t really have a support network so finding this site for me is amazing in helping me along my journey. I do have a strong sense of self, I know who I am.

If I could offer anyone any piece of advice it would be this:

Should you ever find yourself googling abusive relationships and narcissists you need to get out of it. It won’t change and the fact you are googling that stuff should be a massive red flag. One that I didn’t recognize at the time.

If anybody treats you in a way that doesn’t sit right with your gut leave life is so short. If someone can see you upset and not care run away as fast as your feet will carry you. You deserve to be loved by someone who wants to make you happy and see you smile someone who feels like your best friend, not your worst enemy.

Know your worth and know you are worth so much more. xx

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