“The predator wants your silence. It feeds their power, entitlement, and they want it to feed your shame.” ~Viola Davis
Let’s talk about narcissists and their sense of entitlement, shall we? As infuriating as it can be, a lot of us sort of miss the sense of entitlement in our list of issues with them. That’s because it is one of those sort of sneaky personality traits that allows narcissists to feel justified in their abusive behavior toward the people in their lives.
So let me ask you: do you know an entitled narcissist?
Fact: Narcissists are known for their sense of entitlement – in addition to their lack of empathy and selfish behavior. Today we’re covering the narcissist’s sense of entitlement, including their unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or requirements of your automatic compliance with their expectations. It’s always all about the narcissist. Today, we’ll learn how to manage and deal with the narcissist and their big, often unearned, sense of entitlement.
In this video, I’ll fill you in on how people with NPD (and other cluster b disorders) tend to use manipulation to get what they want from people who suffer from codependency – and it’s so much deeper than just gaslighting…
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After five months of the silent treatment, for some transgression I only vaguely understood, you re-appeared: “Happy Mother’s Day, stranger.”
I responded, thinking, as usual, “I can take it.”
You started, immediately, trying to get me to do things you wanted. The difference this time was that this time, I stood my ground. I’ve gotten past the smoke and mirrors and see clearly what the game is. As soon as I resisted you changed your tune, blowing hot and cold and distancing yourself, revealing how insincere your overtures really were. It was just like before.
The last time we were together you asked me why I kept going back. I told you I care about you and love being around you. Then I asked why you keep asking for me and you said you “don’t care” if I’m there or not. This was one of your few clear statements, confirming that how you were treating me was the true reflection of how you felt about me. The rest was mind games to get me to do whatever you wanted. Lies.
I DID care, very much. There was a time when I was in love with you and did everything I could to make it work. You took it all, while hiding my existence and denying to anyone who asked that there was anything going on between us. After three years, I was still “just a pal”, and you were doing whatever you wanted, with no regard for me or my feelings. I was devastated.
You lied, cheated, screamed at me, put me down and belittled me; you asked for all the favors, and just took whatever you wanted, but never offered a thing in return; you flirted while I was right there and online with strangers; if we went out, you never asked what I wanted to do, and then would ignore me the whole time, expecting that I wait for you and drive you home; you demanded I show up when you wanted and would push me away until next time you needed something; you NEVER came to see me; you talked to ex-girlfriends and potential ones, giving them compliments and presents, while you starved me for affection.
I was exhausted; I felt like I didn’t matter and I got depressed and constantly worried. I was anxious to the point of not being able to make decisions or eat, waiting for the next terrible thing. I spent most of my time lonely and ruminating.
I slept beside you even though it was a torment because you didn’t love me. It was such a violation of my values and integrity that I was in a constant state of self-disgust.
I tried to leave you, but struggled to stay away, thinking your disrespect of my need for space was actually love. I drank too much so I wouldn’t have to think about how humiliating it all was. I was destroying myself with my own hopes and expectations and you finished the job with your callous user mentality.
That prolonged silent treatment freed me. I became stronger and less angry. I was more productive than I had been in almost three years. I was able to engage properly with my friends and family and did better at work. I took a holiday. I enjoyed everything more.
And within a week of you contacting me again, I slipped backward. Anxiety, depression, and rumination quickly returned. My mind and body reacted to you very strongly and it was unbearable, after knowing how much better I am without you.
I can barely remember what made me fall in love with you because every memory is tainted by something awful you did. I know it would never be better, no matter what you say when you need something and push for another chance. As ever before, your words and actions do not match and I can no longer fool myself into believing only the pretty things.
My mind and heart have been forever altered by you.
After my first marriage, I found myself missing my toxic ex. It was the strangest thing! I knew logically that it was not healthy for me to feel this way but I couldn’t stop remembering the good times. The longer I was away, the more the bad times seemed to slip my mind.
As it turns out, I’m not alone here.
Why do you feel so confused all the time when a narcissist is involved?
So often, I hear survivors of toxic relationships are sad about the loss of a narcissist – not the toxic person they currently know, but the person they thought they’d known – or the person they believed they were involved with.
Why is there so much confusion in and around toxic relationships?
Well … on an essential level, it’s because the narcissist hides behind a sort of “armor” that is their “false self.” That means that they fool you from very early on.
Your first impression of the narcissist may have been a very good one; that’s because he or she showed you only the best parts of themselves when you met – they constructed a series of qualities and traits that are those they present to the outside world.
They make it very difficult to see who they truly are – you’re stuck deciding whether you’ve really got the sweet and charming love you signed up for, or whether the wool was pulled over your eyes and the real narcissist is actually the toxic, abusive, insulting and manipulative narcissist you’re dealing with in real life.
Of course, this leads you to a serious kind of mental torture that causes you to literally be at odds with yourself – we call that cognitive dissonance. You’re trying to reconcile the illusion you were initially presented with the person you have now got to deal with.
In a lot of cases, in order to cope with this mess, you start trying to improve your SELF – to change for him/her. But in reality, you’ve done nothing wrong and you’re not the issue at all – you’re just subconsciously trying to uphold that initial impression you had of the narcissist – the image of his or her false self that is challenged during the inevitable devaluation phase.
By the time you get to the discard phase (also inevitable with a narcissistic person – the cycle, like the beat, goes on), you’ll be treated to glimpses of the truly ugly face of the narcissist – the one that spews out the cruel and painful poison that causes you to lose all faith in yourself faster than you can say boo.
And you see the coldness, the callous indifference that leads to what feels like absolute torture to you.
While your first reaction is that everyone has a bad moment and this can’t be who they really are, the truth is that this is probably the closest you’ll come to actually seeing the narcissist’s REAL self.
This is about the time you recognize that the amazingly charming or engaging or otherwise awesome person you got involved with in the beginning is gone – and suddenly you see this horrible contempt that they have for you. And when you realize they felt that way all along, your heart breaks a little more, if that’s possible.
Don’t let yourself believe in the magical connection you once thought you had – it was just a part of the whole narcissistic abuse cycle – an illusion, just like the narcissist’s identity.
So now that you know all of this, what do you do with it?
You start picking up the pieces of yourself, and you begin the healing process. You go forward, and you go no contact (or low contact, if you’re forced to deal with him/her – say at work or as a co-parent). You aren’t to blame – you were simply used as a pawn in the narcissist’s game.
Do you feel confused all the time?
Or do you ever find yourself wondering, “Why am I so confused all the time?” I know I have – and I know I’m not alone here. If you’re anything like me, you’re naturally curious and you actively look for solutions or at least answers to the things you’re dealing with in life. That means that you’re probably here because you’ve been searching for answers on why you’re feeling so lost and confused lately.
I have good news and bad news for you. The good news? This search may have just changed your life. The bad news? You may be dealing with a toxic person in your life. So, let’s dig in a bit and help you figure this out.
The QueenBeeing SPANily, Official – We consider this to be the best narcissistic abuse recovery support group on the web. Offers several subgroups and features a vigilant, compassionate admin team full of trained coaches and survivors, supporting more than 12k members. SPAN is an acronym created by Angie Atkinson that stands for Support for People Affected by Narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships.
Other Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups– We also have separate groups for each stage in your narcissistic abuse recovery, as well as some for those who have moved past recovery and are evolving into the next stage of their own life. Survivors have unique and individual needs, even when they’ve moved on – so we’re still here for you.
One-on-One Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching – If you prefer to get more personalized support in your recovery, you might like to schedule a session with one of our coaches to plan and execute your own narcissistic abuse recovery plan.
Find a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapist – If you’re looking for a therapist for narcissistic abuse recovery, either because you cannot afford coaching and want to use your health insurance or because you have additional issues you need to address that do not fall within the realm of coaching, you will want to find the right therapist for you – and as far as we’re concerned, that therapist must understand what you’ve been through. This page offers assistance to help you do exactly that.
When You Reject A Narcissist (With Actual Narcissist Recordings) – What happens when you reject a narcissist? How long do you need to be with a toxic person before they’ll stalk you?
In this video, you’ll learn how one woman was treated after she rejected her ex-boyfriend, who is believed to be an overt narcissist. By taking away his source of narcissistic supply, she found herself dealing with much more than she had bargained for. This video isn’t just about what happens when you reject a guy or what happens when you reject a girl. It’s a real-life example of what happens when you reject a narcissist.
Narcissists in relationships (and anyone on the cluster b spectrum, really) are likely to use gaslighting and other forms of control – but narcissists who are rejected may go even further. Invalidation would be an understatement.
This is exactly what happens when you reject a narcissist.
One of the things you may not know about the QueenBeeing coaches is that each of us is also a survivor of narcissistic abuse herself. A few months back, I shared the truth about my own abuse, and after receiving many supportive comments from our community, I asked my fellow coaches to do the same. The next in this series was published just now, and I wanted to be sure to share it with you here so you didn’t miss it.
All I knew that day was that I was so deeply in love with him and utterly convinced he was good for my life. I thought he had my best interests at heart and so I thought everything he did and said was just to improve our relationship and make us better people, both individually and as a couple.
I couldn’t see why this was happening. As the argument began and the twisted confusion of what I know now was gaslighting then silent treatment commenced, I didn’t understand that he wanted me to be unable to speak or think intelligently.