Letting go of toxic people is an act of self-care. – Karen Salmansohn
Are you in a relationship that involves someone who emotionally, mentally or physically damages you? Do you feel like a shell of your former self since becoming involved with this person? After you spend time with this person, do you feel energized and refreshed, or do you feel drained and exhausted?
While toxic relationships are both damaging and devastating to those who are involved in them, they have a much deeper effect than most people realize. Despite popular opinion, most victims of toxic relationships are far from your standard “victim-type” personality; in fact, most are intelligent, attractive and capable. This is part of what attracts the toxic partner.
Are you in a relationship with someone who is making you miserable?
Do you ever feel drained when you spend time with that person?
Do you often find yourself feeling tired and unmotivated or even sort of paralyzed?
Do you find yourself putting that person’s needs before your own?
Do you often feel shocked by someone’s disrespectful behavior?
Does someone in your life make you feel like you don’t matter or like you’re not as important as they are?
Have you ever described the way you feel as emotionally “dead” or numb (or something similar)?
Have you ever found yourself questioning your own sanity?
Have you started to think you’re just not good enough?
What is a toxic relationship?
A toxic relationship is similar to a dysfunctional relationship but less repairable, often due to at least one partner being unable or unwilling to change and/or take responsibility for their wrongdoings. When you’re in a toxic relationship, you’ll find that it involves more negativity than positivity. Most importantly, a toxic relationship does not emotionally support one or both of the people involved. A toxic relationship will also often involve resentment, contempt, communication problems and varying forms of physical, emotional and psychological abuse.
Being involved with a toxic person (or a narcissist) in a toxic relationship will lead to a serious loss of self and a significantly reduced ability to be happy, healthy and fulfilled in your life. These relationships often feel empty or one-sided and leave one or both partners feeling codependent and miserable.
Can a toxic relationship be fixed?
While dysfunctional relationships can often be repaired, toxic ones are less likely to be worth the trouble of trying. That’s because while it does theoretically seem that narcissists and toxic people are capable of personal growth and change, it is rarely seen. So, while most narcissists COULD change, they most often will not, at least not long-term.
In this video, the QueenBeeing coaches share their advice on how to find out if your relationship has become toxic. Are you with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder? You can find out, right here.
What causes toxic relationships?
I know, you’re probably asking yourself, “How did I end up in a toxic relationship?” I get it. It’s almost always a shock when you realize you’re in a toxic relationship, and this may be due to the fact that you’re a strong, intelligent and attractive person who generally reads people like a book. But in many cases, you also had a difficult or traumatic childhood, whether it was a result of abuse, neglect or some other sort of situational trauma.
Am I always going to be miserable? Will I ever feel normal again? When will the pain end? When can I expect to start feeling like myself again after the end of a toxic relationship? Will I ever stop missing my ex? Am I ever going to stop crying?
How long does it take to recover from narcissistic abuse?
This is a complicated question, and unfortunately, there is no one-size-fits-all answer here. It varies depending on the nature and duration of the relationship, as well as the depth of the abuse and whether or not you’re intentionally choosing to focus on healing yourself. In general, you could be looking at anywhere from a few weeks to a few years.
Personally, I’ve seen some people manage to recover completely in less than one year, while others find themselves still struggling decades later. It also depends, of course, on your definition of recovery. For example, some people might consider going no contact the final step in healing, while others choose to go on to evolve into a better version of themselves.
Stages of Grief in Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
It’s important to recognize that you might also need to go through the grief process after getting out of a toxic relationship with a narcissist. I know it seems wrong – especially when you’ve dealt with narcissistic abuse. But even if you feel like you won’t need to do it, you might want to be aware of the stages of grief as they apply to narcissistic abuse recovery. Most people do not expect this, but nearly all survivors will go through it. This video offers you an explanation of what to expect in each grieving stage.
Complications of Trauma Bonding: Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse
There are so many complications when it comes to recovering from narcissistic abuse – family connections, shared children, business and legal issues that make no contact impossible, for example. But for most survivors of abuse, trauma bonding makes recovery feel really hard.
The process of healing and recovering from narcissistic abuse is slightly different for each person, and it must be customized to fit the needs of the individual. In most cases, it loosely fits in with my DUO Method of narcissistic abuse recovery and it looks like this:
Discovery Phase:Where you begin to recognize there’s a problem in your relationship and you start doing the research to figure out what it is. You find a video or an article that perfectly describes your situation, and before you know it, you’ve gone down the rabbit hole, reading, listening and watching everything you can find on narcissism and narcissistic abuse. This is where you’re beginning to wrap your head around the fact that you might be dealing with a toxic person.
Understanding Phase:You continue to gather information and you are starting to recognize narcissistic behaviors in someone in your life. You are nearly certain this is what you’re dealing with, and you’re studying everything you can in order to figure out how it correlates to your life. You are drawing parallels all over the place and you might be talking with a coach, therapist or fellow narcissistic abuse survivors in a support group, as well as to people in your own life. You get it, and you’re getting the idea that you’re going to have to create any changes yourself, if you’re ever going to be happy. You’re digging into your own past and your own psychology as well, making sense of it all and figuring out why this happened to you.
Overcoming Phase: You’ve left or have decided you’re leaving, or you’ve been discarded and have decided you’re not going back. You KNOW logically that you’re doing the right thing and that you deserve better. You’re working on getting there emotionally and you’re working on taking the next steps to embrace your power and make your life your own again, or maybe for the first time. You’re making connections between your childhood and your adult relationships and you’re beginning to see what you can do to change yourself for the better – and to be more aware of toxic people so you can avoid them in the future.
Evolution Phase: The narcissist is no longer a part of your daily life, and if you’re in contact at all, it’s only because you share a child or because you have some business you can’t avoid with them. You’re starting to really live now. You embrace your truth. You follow your passions without shame, and you’re now enforcing your boundaries like a pro. Your standards are high, right along with your self-esteem. You have learned to unconditionally love and accept yourself, and for the first time in a long time, you can honestly say you are truly happy and fulfilled in your life – or at least you’re getting there.
Signs You’re Healing from Narcissistic Abuse
So how do you know if you’re really “getting there” when it comes to healing and recovering from narcissistic abuse? What kinds of signs would you watch for – and how will it feel? This video offers you a comprehensive overview of how to tell if you’re recovering from narcissistic abuse.
Ever feel like you’re going crazy and you can’t quite figure out why? Does someone in your life make you doubt yourself and your own reality? Do you ever ask yourself, “Am I being gaslighted?”
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a very toxic manipulation tactic that is employed by most narcissists. Not only is this tactic pervasive and highly-effective, but it is nearly impossible to detect unless you know what you’re looking for, specifically. Gaslighting is meant to manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.
Take this Am I Being Gaslighted Test right now, and find out if you might be dealing with a toxic person who is gaslighting and manipulating you.
When the Narcissist Makes You Feel Like A Narcissist
Narcissists are notorious for bringing out the worst in us. Why is that? Today, we’re going to discuss what happens when you develop toxic self-protective behavior in reaction to narcissistic behavior and gaslighting.
The QueenBeeing SPANily, Official – We consider this to be the best narcissistic abuse recovery support group on the web. Offers several subgroups and features a vigilant, compassionate admin team full of trained coaches and survivors, supporting more than 12k members. SPAN is an acronym created by Angie Atkinson that stands for Support for People Affected by Narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships.
Other Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups– We also have separate groups for each stage in your narcissistic abuse recovery, as well as some for those who have moved past recovery and are evolving into the next stage of their own life. Survivors have unique and individual needs, even when they’ve moved on – so we’re still here for you.
One-on-One Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching – If you prefer to get more personalized support in your recovery, you might like to schedule a session with one of our coaches to plan and execute your own narcissistic abuse recovery plan.
Find a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapist – If you’re looking for a therapist for narcissistic abuse recovery, either because you cannot afford coaching and want to use your health insurance or because you have additional issues you need to address that do not fall within the realm of coaching, you will want to find the right therapist for you – and as far as we’re concerned, that therapist must understand what you’ve been through. This page offers assistance to help you do exactly that.
How do you reprogram your brain after narcissistic abuse?
As you probably know, our minds, more specifically our subconscious minds, control our lives. We are what we think or believe. Research has shown that there is a mind-body connection and that the mind can help us overcome health problems. As I mentioned, one of the most important things to remember is that your brain is neuroplastic – this is what makes this part of recovery possible.
What is neuroplasticity?
Offering hope for survivors of narcissistic abuse, neuroplasticity is how our brain can “rewire itself” by forming new neural connections throughout life. This means that the neurons (nerve cells) in the brain can compensate for injury and disease and to adjust their activities in response to new situations or to changes in their environment. Even better, we can intentionally control this process if we choose to do so.
What are the most effective methods for reprogramming your brain after narcissistic abuse?
Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) can offer a lot of hope and support for survivors of narcissistic abuse, as it’s a way of enhancing communication, personal development, and psychotherapy created by Richard Bandler and John Grinder in California, United States in the 1970s. Learn more about NLP here.
What is hypnosis?
Hypnosis is a state of human consciousness involving focused attention combined with an enhanced capacity to respond to suggestion. Hypnosis is sometimes used as a part of alternative medicine, such as aversion therapy or pain control, but this use is controversial due to the risk of negative side effects (e.g., flashbacks) and other potential adverse effects. For narcissistic abuse recovery, techniques such as post-hypnotic suggestion and self-hypnosis have been used.
What is visualization?
Visualization is the process of creating images in your mind. Visualization can be defined as a mental process that evokes visual, auditory, and other sensory-based images. For narcissistic abuse recovery, visualization techniques are used to gain clarity, motivate you, relieve pain or discomfort, create new neural pathways, and enhance memory.
What is EFT?
EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) is a method of tapping on various points on the body which is used to resolve certain blocks or issues. You can access this tapping technique at any time, day or night. EFT is a powerful tool that can be used to help almost any issue, related to narcissistic abuse or otherwise, whether mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, or financial.
What are affirmations?
Affirmations are words, sentences, or phrases you repeat out loud, in writing, or in your head. They are designed to help you meet a goal or create personal change in your recovery, and they can be used alone or in conjunction with any of the other healing methods mentioned here.
Do you need a coach or therapist?
If you need help, there are hypnotherapists, NLP practitioners, and coaches that can be hired to work with you. If you can’t afford to get therapy or narcissistic abuse recovery coaching, or you have another reason that you can’t or won’t get help for your recovery, there can be some self-help options. This, of course, is providing that you don’t have any other issues that require therapy or medical care, you may feel able to make positive changes on your own with a little knowledge and some resources. You can find a ton of information online or by going to your local library.
Whichever route you choose, one element that is crucial is your attitude. For any method to be successful in creating change in the subconscious, you have to want the change and to believe totally in its success. You cannot succeed without this belief.
3 Simple Steps to Reprogram Your Mind After Narcissistic Abuse
While every method is different there are three steps that each uses to reprogram your mind.
Step 1: Relaxation to Alpha Level
To achieve relaxation, you have to take your brain to Alpha level. This is the level where you are able to ‘speak’ directly with the subconscious. Alpha level brainwaves are experienced first thing in the morning as you first awaken and the last thing at night just before you go to sleep. At Alpha level, you are awake (conscious) and aware of your surroundings but your subconscious is fully alert and you are most responsive to learning and accepting new ideas. You can achieve Alpha level by practicing relaxation techniques.
Step 2: Guided Visualization
Picture your goal as an image or movie with you “in the moment.” It must be in the present so you must be living it. Use all of your senses to make it as real as possible. Tell a story and if you can add some humor even better. Your subconscious loves stories and it loves humor. By fully engaging your senses it becomes more real. Make the scenes really bright and colorful. Hear the sounds, feel the emotions. Touch and taste things.
When visualizing always answer these questions:
What can you see?
What can you hear?
What can you feel? (Physical touch as well as emotions.)
What can you smell?
What can you taste?
Step 3: Practice Affirmations While Visualizing.
While visualizing yourself living your goal it is also important to affirm this. You can either say your affirmations out loud or just think them. To make them even more powerful and effective you can write them down and display them wherever you will see them regularly throughout your day. You can also record yourself saying them out loud and listen to them first thing in the morning and last thing at night.
Affirmations must be:
In the present tense.
Said with positive conviction. (You must believe in what you are saying.)
For example, if you’re worried about a presentation you need to give at work, you might use affirmations such as the following.
I am giving a presentation to my department and superiors. I am standing at the front of the room. I feel confident and calm. I am speaking with conviction. I know my topic. My presentation is interesting and fun to give. The audience is listening intently. They are smiling and nodding their heads as I speak. My voice is confident and easy to hear, even at the back of the room. I am standing tall wearing my favorite navy suit. I feel smart.
Knowing these three simple steps can help you successfully program your mind for positive change.
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