She Had an Affair With a Married Narcissist

She Had an Affair With a Married Narcissist

*Editor’s Note: This story was submitted by a fellow survivor of narcissistic abuse. Read more stories right here, and submit your own here

50 Shades of G: My Affair With a Narcissist

My narcissist is an ex-married lover. We met when he was my boss working with him for two years before he moved away.

With this narcissist, everything we did, whether it be physical or when we were just fantasizing via email, was totally pedophile-ish and totally disgusting but I will say this: Looking back 16 years later, I now see the signs and wish I could’ve told myself, “Stop! Don’t do it! He’s an a-hole!”

And everyone I worked with warned me that my boss wasn’t a good guy. I was young, dumb and so in love with that man.

Now 16 years later, he’s married to the girl he didn’t want to marry (he told everyone he worked with he’d never get married). He had cheated on his wife before and after they were married – with me when I was single and during my first relationship with another narcissist.

How the Narcissist Reeled Me In

In 2009, my ex narcissist boyfriend had left the picture leaving my soon-to-be first ex narcissistic husband in the picture but we were just friends. Granted, he didn’t like HIM one bit. But I didn’t care.

He was smart enough to know that HE was a narcissist and was just using me for sex and didn’t really care about me.

HE never really complained about his wife that much when he stayed at my place. The only thing HE did say was that when they did have sex he had to be on top because she was fat and would’ve been crushed. This is true, she is a large woman, she’s got some thyroid condition.

I’ve seen what she looks like. He’s telling the truth.

Also, my second husband’s narcissist ex-wife is a morbidly obese woman weighing over 300lbs and he told me himself that he too had to be on top, (drunk of course) because otherwise he, himself, would’ve been crushed by her weight.

Other than that HE complained that they argued a lot about her dragging him to places instead of staying home. I asked him one time if his wife was the love of his life and he said “No.”

I asked him who was and he said some girl in high school. I asked him if his wife was his soul mate and again he said, “No.”

I asked him who it was and he said some girl named Christine. To this day, I’m really not sure if he was talking about the car or an actual girl – but nonetheless, it was an interesting conversation.

Seeing the Red Flags of a Narcissist in Hindsight

I do recognize the signs of a narcissist now that I think about it. I remember the first time he loved bombed me.

I was singing a song to myself and he said, “You look pretty with your hair down.”

Going back to my original point, even now, 16 years, later, HE still sees me as the girl who got away. I saw him two years ago. We reengaged our fiery email exchanges after our hookup, but this time, I’d finally got smart and knew how to defend myself.

Then in 2010 things started slowing down some with HIM. He and I hadn’t seen each other since July of 2010.

2011 rolls out. Here’s when HE devalued me and discarded me….or so I thought. I hadn’t seen HIM since that past November. I’d since become bored and tired of waiting but become interested in someone else. Not my soon-to-be-ex narcissist first husband. Even he fits this to a T but more on him later.

So I told Him when he could figure out a time and place to come up to let me know. He wrote back, “Since I haven’t figured out a time or place, HENCE no return email.”

Well, that’s when I had had it. I told him I was getting back together with my ex narcissist boyfriend who gotten out of jail for something he did which was downloading child porn onto my computer and “accidentally” forgetting to tell me about it before the police and FBI showed up back in 2009.

Choices I’d Regret

Anyway, to further complicate things, my future ex narcissist first husband didn’t like me seeing HIM because he wanted me to like him the way I adored HIM forced me to do something. What did he force me to do?

Tell G’s wife, of course, purely for his own selfish, narcissistic benefit. SHE knew all along so it wasn’t a shock. SHE called me and left me a voicemail calling me a whore and to stay away from her man.) Yet the jerk still continued to see me that summer in 2010!

He told me what to write and I did and then I received a message from Him that night. He asked me why I would do this and reminded me I was never that kind of person. I said I have stuff I could send her and he begged me, literally, “Please don’t. Even if she asks.”

Then the last thing he said was, “Are you going to try and destroy my marriage by sending her stuff, or are you going to let it drop?”

Running Into the Narcissist After Going No Contact

3 years later: 2014.

Still NO Contact. But THEY do their smear campaign. SHE sends me a letter from a lawyer threatening legal action if I ever step foot on their lawn. Like every other victim, I wanted answers so I emailed him in search of said answers and never got them. SHE also filed a police report.

Then one day I get the chance to see him again to get my so-called answers because I knew the wife was out of town. I have my soon-to-be-ex narcissist first husband drive me to where they live and I’m sitting at the place and as soon as he saw me.

Not surprisingly, he made a face – a sort of “holy sh*t” look. With this, he turned around and walked out the back before coming through the front.

He walked up to me and said, “What are you doing here?”

I said, “Eating. What does it look like?”

Then I said, “I came here to talk to you. I need to know why.”

By then all the people for the meetup he was hosting had shown up, so he had to conduct it. I turned my back and continued eating. He made small talk in between not to show that he knew me or anything.

At one point before the stupid thing started, I had to pee. So I had asked the very nice bartender to watch my stuff.

As soon I came out, HE came out at the same time and just stared at me for a minute, then went back to play the good host. The whole meetup was over within half an hour because not too many people showed.

Then it was just HE and I. I had a little bit of knowledge of how narcissists acted and behaved but not nearly enough as I do now so you could say I was still in the early developmental stage.

I know how we got started on the subject of rekindling our affair because I apologized for hurting him and I missed him. I told him I missed what we had and I wanted him to forgive me. Long story short we ended hooking up again and then the whole smear campaign started again.

His wife found out because one of the girls asked about me being at the last meetup and she put two and two together. But this time what she’s said and everything she’s always said to me has sounded like she’s talking in the third person which I find hilarious.

But this time around, at the time she wrote the email in 2014, I was very unhappy in my first marriage to a plushopheliac narcissist*, and I took what she said to heart and believed it.

*Editor’s Note: Plushophilia (from “plushie” and “-philia”) is a paraphilia involving stuffed animals.

I actually contemplated suicide.

I eventually divorced my first husband and found my second husband. I finally got therapy for all the issues I needed help with. Even HIM.
But HE hasn’t been fully discussed as he should be.

I’m suffering from dissociative amnesia from this man and all my exes. I do look so young for my age, I’m 37, but look 19 or 21, it’s exactly why he preyed upon me. He also bought me a coloring book and a small stuffed Spongebob toy to match for Christmas one year. What did HE get? Sex.

Three years ago was the last time I saw HIM. They came down to where I lived for vacation. He controlled EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING. By this time I’d grown strong, wiser, and knew a proficient amount of knowledge on how to handle him. My husband and I stayed at the same hotel they did to get away for the night but mainly because I wanted to see/talk to him.

My husband and I lost our twin babies four years ago and I haven’t sought grief counseling and I made the mistake of opening the door after we moved down to where we live (which is where this all started.)

Anyway, after we got to the hotel we hung out at the pool, then a little while later they arrived. Poor guy, his wife made him use the luggage cart to lug their bags while she went inside to confirm their reservations.

He saw me and looked so sad.

His Wife Called Him a Psychopath

I went out with a co-worker of mine and HE constantly kept texting me and complaining about how slow the service is down here in the south. Then when I got back, I started reading my book in between emailing him.

I told him I was tired but he kept telling me just to wait. My husband was getting suspicious and I kept telling him I was reading my book.
My Adderall kept me up so I reminded him to go to bed because he had to be at work in the morning.

Finally at 2 am, HE strolls out and nudged his head toward the doors and I followed him. I asked him what took him so long and he said they had a fight. I asked what they fought about and he just made a funny face.

He said she called him a psychopath.

I said, “It’s because you’re a narcissist.”
He whined, ”Why does everyone keep calling me that?”
I said, ”Maybe it’s because you are.”.

He said stopped talking and handed me a drink. Don’t know what was in it but I drank some. He put my stuff down on the ground.

THE GROUND.

Date Raped by a Narcissist

This is where I know it was rape because I told him in an earlier email that we didn’t have to do this if he didn’t want to – meaning I really don’t want to cheat on my husband because I really love him and I don’t want to hurt him. He even asked when I was leaving the room why I was wearing a jacket and no shirt.

Saying YES DOESN’T ALWAYS MEAN YES.

Anyway, HE yanked my sweats down above my knee and unzipped my jacket halfway, and started to feel me up as he horribly went down on me. I just looked up at the sky, my eyes brimmed with tears.

I looked back down at him and I started to talk about something then he pushed me on my knees and handed me a chalice (came with dinner and a show) filled with Mountain Dew overpowered by something else.

So I drink it then looked at him and he said all the way so I finished it. Then it hit me and I go down on him and then in one swift move I’m on all fours and I’m not really enjoying it. I’m crying through the experience and I kept saying ow and I know he didn’t hear me.

Then when it’s over, we talked, I foolishly told him I loved him, he said so does she, and then he said really loudly (as if he were talking about his own marriage, that’s how I perceived it), he said, “I CAN’T do this anymore.”

And then he left.

I left and found my husband waiting for me. We went inside and I cried and ended up having a seizure and a big ole bruise on my head. The next morning I emailed him telling him what happened.

He asked if I was ok.

I just said, “Please, no more alcohol.”

HE said it wouldn’t be a late night. I said ok.

The Narcissist’s Final Discard

I knew I’d never see him again. I told my husband I wanted to leave the next morning early morning, we only lived right up the road so we did.
I told HIM I’d be leaving and he said ok, for me to try and be happy, and goodbye. (Again he sounded like he was trying to convince himself that he would not wish me well.)

We continued to email each other up until two years ago when his wife found the pictures I had sent so she sent them to my husband and by then it was killing me inside. I held that secret in for 9 months. I cried the same day we returned from the hotel not because he was gone but because I had hurt the father of my children. We eventually moved past it.

HE said we can’t be friends and need to go back to our spouses. I have tried to call a truce and called him out on him to admit that he needs me in his life, no matter how many times he pushes me away, that he needs me more than I need him, and could we ever try to be friends civilly.

This was his response.

1. No, I am not mad at you.
2. You are not wrong.
3, No we can’t.

But when I questioned G on his crap and why he let her do this his answer was “I can’t control her any more than I can control you.”

Then the wife had the nerve to say to me via email that I could have him and we deserved each other. I responded that I didn’t wish to be with him and I called G out on everything.

I emailed him to see if we could be friends but calling him out on his crap and he said, “No I don’t want to be in your life and you to be into mine. We had our fun but it’s over now. Please respect that.”

He told me once that I was more his type, which is the girl next door type, and he agreed with me on things I have said about our relationship (although he never said what those things were). This means he too much of a coward to admit that I am right that he wouldn’t know what love is if it slapped him in the face. Then he had the nerve to say he wasn’t a narcissist. HAHA!!

They don’t miss people, they miss the things people provide—affection, admiration, attention, money, food, shelter, access, or the illusion of a “normal life.”

The above is referring to those with NPD, not those who are higher on the narcissist scale than others, but who are not malignant narcissists.
If they ‘miss’ anyone or ‘think about them when they are gone, they are really missing what they could have provided, or think about what you have that they don’t. Think about what you provided them, even if it was attention, entertainment, affection, sex, money, access, or the illusion of normal life (if you were a spouse).

That’s what they miss. It’s things, not people. They don’t need people and they don’t want people, really. All of their defense mechanisms are enough for them, there is no need for actual ‘people’, just what ‘people’ can provide.

Resources for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

  • Read more stories right here, and submit your own here
  • Best Books on Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
  • Comprehensive Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Glossary: This is a comprehensive guide to words and phrases (related to narcissism, NPD and related conditions, narcissistic abuse, and narcissistic abuse recovery) that are commonly used in articles, videos, and narcissistic abuse recovery support groups. Defined here as specifically how they relate to narcissism, narcissistic abuse, and narcissistic abuse recovery, these terms have been developed by psychologists, coaches, therapists, and survivors of narcissistic abuse who need a way to understand and overcome the abuse.
  • FAQ Help: Whenever you need help with something related to this site or you want to know how to find something, join a group or otherwise deal with an issue you’re having, visit our new FAQ Help page.
  • Self-Care for Survivors: This is a page that covers everything you need to know about self-care, from how to build your own self-care kit to how to sign up for self-care support, and more.
  • New Resources Page: This is a one-stop overview of narcissism, NPD, and narcissistic abuse recovery, offering a long list of resources that will be helpful for you.
  • Stalking Resources Center: If your narcissist is a stalker, the information and resources on this page will help you get and stay safe.

Helpful Videos for Narcissistic Abuse Survivors

Narcissistic Abuse Takes You Away…From You (Here’s How)

Narcissistic Abuse Takes You Away…From You (Here’s How)

There was a time in my life when, if you asked me a question about myself, I might not even know WHAT to say, or even if I did, I’d feel awkward saying it and wanted to get the attention off me as soon as possible. And while I feel much more confident about myself these days, I still find myself struggling to say much of anything about myself in conversations – and I feel weird when people try to offer too much praise. And still, when people ask me what I do for a living or anything else about myself, I tend to be brief and quickly change the subject. Can you relate?

What does narcissistic abuse feel like?

If you’ve ever been involved with a narcissist, there’s a point at which you go so deep into your own head that you sort of see the world a little differently than everyone else. It’s that feeling you get when you’re so oppressed in your relationship that most of your dialogue is now internal, so much so that you start to see through it all, and everyone around you seems artificial. When you look at people who aren’t being actively manipulated and controlled by a narcissist, their life problems seem unreal. You almost feel like you’re the narcissist because you’re so deep in your head that you almost can’t find your empathy anymore.
This is the point at which you might find that you’ve forgotten how to even talk about yourself or your interests. And it might be so significant that you actually don’t even know what your interests ARE. This is when you know that the narcissist’s manipulation and control have shut you down – silenced you completely. You only speak as much as absolutely necessary and rarely, if ever, does your conversation involve yourself.
You sit there, still looking perfect on the outside, and you act like nothing is wrong. You keep smiling and pretending that your life is as good as you make it look on social media. You feel like a bit of a fraud as you try to project the image of the life you wish you had, rather than the private hell you’re actually living in.
Meanwhile, you live with constant threats of abandonment, either physically or emotionally. The narcissist says they’ll leave you, or they threaten to stop loving you, or they say if you keep doing (or not doing) whatever they’re complaining about, they’ll just stop caring about you entirely. Or they say you can just move out and go live a separate life.
“See how you like that,” they say.
You might be emotionally drained, exhausted, and pretty much numb at this point, and who could blame you? But you’re asking yourself: how did I get here?

How do narcissists change your personality?

You might have previously been warm, friendly – even extroverted. But after being in this toxic relationship, you’re nowhere near the person you used to be. Is it really possible that the narcissist has changed you so much? What led to you losing yourself and becoming a shell of who you once were?

Narcissists Make Effective Communication Impossible

Communication is incredibly important in any relationship, but when we’ve been involved with narcissists, even the most skilled communicators can feel helpless and handicapped when it comes to being understood – narcissists will inevitably refuse to understand us, especially when what we’re saying is not something like “OMG, you’re so amazing.”

For example, try telling a narcissist exactly how you feel about the way they belittle and invalidate you – and watch how they twist the conversation around. In some of the most extreme cases, you will end up apologizing for not thinking they’re perfect and for having the nerve to even suggest otherwise. I like to call that the “narcissistic flip,” but you might know it as “deflection.”

Either way, when we go through years of this, not to mention that narcissists often isolate their victims from others who might actually offer some support, we sort of forget HOW to communicate – in a way. We stop feeling like we can (or even should) talk about OURSELVES, and we stop trying to make valuable contributions to conversations, in part because we’ve been conditioned to believe that we have nothing of value to say and nothing to offer.

Narcissists Condition You to Believe You Have Nothing of Value to Contribute

You know how I mentioned that I don’t really feel comfortable telling people about myself, and how during my toxic relationship, it was nearly impossible for me? That was the case because the narcissists in my life, starting in childhood, had made it very clear to me that no one wanted to hear about me. In other words, I had been conditioned to think that nothing about me was interesting or even worth hearing about.

This situation is very common for survivors of narcissistic abuse. We believe that we’re not good enough and that no one wants to hear what we have to say anyway. When we do speak up, we tend to keep it short and to the point when it relates to ourselves or our own opinions or beliefs – if we say anything at all.

Narcissistic Abuse Leads to Mental Health Issues

When we go through narcissistic abuse, we might find ourselves dealing with depression. We might also develop other issues – various compulsive behaviors, or an eating disorder, or a substance abuse problem – because sometimes, we try to sort of  ‘self-medicate” to deal with our issues.

We could have flashbacks or panic attacks, and we will most definitely deal with a certain amount of self-doubt. Some of us experience suicidal thoughts – and in the worst cases, some people find themselves seeking or even carrying out the abuse they experienced as a child. On the flip side of that, you may go so far in the other direction that you are a different kind of unhealthy – for example, an abused child who grows up to be a doormat parent (as in, allowing your kids to become spoiled and run the show). It’s a fine line, isn’t it?

Narcissists Actively Trigger Your Trauma Response

The narcissist’s goal is to be in control, and they have no limits to which they will not stoop to get what they want. And since most people who get involved with narcissists report that they’ve had some form of trauma in childhood, whether that’s related to abusive parents or some other kind of trauma, In fact, it’s your history of trauma in relationships that opens you up to being triggered when they start playing their typical mind games.

When you’re actively dealing with the abuse, you might notice that you have heightened reactions to various common relationship issues. That means that you might be triggered over something small, such as an innocently used phrase that used to mean something awful.

For example, as one of my clients explained: her narcissistic mother would always say “Who are you trying to impress?” So when she was later in a relatively healthy relationship, this same phrase uttered by her partner triggered her and caused her to revert for a moment to that little girl who never felt good enough.

We may also withdraw and become unresponsive when triggered by our old issues, which obviously affects our ability to communicate, and we almost always feel a serious aversion to conflict. This can lead to an inability to talk through our issues especially if we feel judged or like the person we’re communicating with is somehow not on our side.

Narcissists Foster Your Self-Doubt

Narcissists have a way of digging deep to find the most painful issues you have, and then they poke at them. This is only part of the reason that most of us end up living with lingering doubt about how people in our lives feel about us. It’s also part of the reason that many of us end up doubting people’s authenticity, especially when the narcissists in our lives include romantic partners in the past. And thanks to the fact that many of us have never felt loved unconditionally, we often find ourselves having difficulty accepting any love at all – we are suspicious of people who try to offer it to us and we often need repeated reassurance of the fact that someone cares about us. This of course can push people away from us and isolate us even further, which will make it even harder to talk about yourself with any confidence.

The narcissist leaves you feeling constantly scattered and confused. This sort of fog you’re living in means that you are easier to control and manipulate. See, due to the stress and the sort of primal mode you are in during the depths of the abuse, you start to feel crazy and begin to doubt your perception once the full effect of the gaslighting kicks in. You might even feel dependent on the narcissist to tell you what you see and think in some cases, and now not only are they controlling your actions but also your thoughts and feelings.

Narcissists Use Your Fears Against You

The narcissist knows what you’re afraid of and they use your fears to maintain full control. They established that you can and will be moved by your fear of losing them or of being alone. Not only is that the most common human fear, but narcissists actively exploit this in most of their romantic relationships. This works especially well on people who also experienced childhood trauma, as we tend to hold on to anyone who claims to love us for dear life.

And, if you’re anything like I was, one of your biggest fears might be that you’ll be the last one to know your relationship is over. You are afraid of being humiliated in a situation where you’re the only one who doesn’t know what’s happening in your own relationship.

What if the narcissist is right about you?

For a lot of us, we also worry that some toxic person in our life was right about us, and we’re actually the complete piece of trash we’ve done our best to avoid being for our whole lives. We wonder if we are doomed to being not good enough (or otherwise deficient) forever.

This leads to something that, if you don’t recognize it, could pretty much keep you stuck forever:

You get deeper and deeper into the trauma bond. You become fully enmeshed with the narcissist. They control you through the active infliction of their own perception. They teach you (and make sure you don’t forget) that their needs are always more important than your own. They make you feel like you’re not a real person and that your feelings and thoughts and ideas aren’t relevant or worth expressing – not to mention worth actually hearing or implementing. That prevents you from ever reaching your true potential as you lose yourself a little more each day.it changes you and could limit you forever if you allow it.

So, how do you find yourself again? How do you remember who you are? Well, I’ve previously covered this in detail, so I’m attaching a portion of a previous video for you here. (I’m sharing a link with you in the description below and the pinned comment to help you do exactly that!).

Question of the Day

Can you relate to the feeling of losing yourself and your voice during a toxic relationship with a narcissist? Did you forget how to talk about yourself, too? Share your thoughts, ideas, and experience in the comments section.

Narcissist, Malignant Narcissist or Sociopath?

Narcissist, Malignant Narcissist or Sociopath?

 This seems like more than a narcissist!

Do you think you may be dealing with something a bit more extreme than a narcissist? Have you asked, what is the difference between a narcissist and a sociopath? There is a very dark world that includes the sociopath and the malignant narcissist. Knowing the signs of sociopathic grooming and behavior might save you from future abuse. The sociopath and malignant narcissist are highly abusive. If you have experienced one in your life the chilling effects are likely to have stuck with you. Some of the signs of both sociopathy and malignant narcissists can be seen in the following video. Let me know what you think and if you have anything to add that might help others spot a sociopath.

 

Understanding narcissism and how the narcissist manipulates and abuses will hopefully help to get you started with healing. I truly hope that understanding things allows you to see it is not your fault. Manipulation by a toxic person is difficult to understand when trying to relate to why they might abuse, seeing them for what they are and how they treat others is an acceptance that can help you greatly with recovery. My hope is that the videos we share give you the sense and peace of mind that you are not alone!

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery by QueenBeeing.com offers free video coaching each week along with videos and help on recovery from toxic relationships. Featuring certified life coach Lise Colucci and supported by QueenBeeing founder and certified life coach Angie Atkinson.

Join our private coaching group https://lifemakeoveracademy.teachable…

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No Closure At the End of Your Relationship? What Now?

No Closure At the End of Your Relationship? What Now?

Why do narcissists refuse to give you closure in a relationship?

Are you desperate for closure after the ending of a relationship with a narcissist?  Rarely is the need for relief from the discard allowed by the narcissist – and being able to speak your mind and discuss the issues you lived with if you have gone no contact is practically a foreign concept.

Lack of Closure After a Toxic Relationship Leaves You Reeling

Feeling the need for closure in order to move on and heal can perhaps be one of the more frustrating things survivors of narcissistic abuse go through after a discard. I know that for me personally, it left me feeling like it was impossible to stop thinking about the narcissist and I even struggled to forgive myself for having been with them in the first place. Can you relate?

What can you expect from the narcissist at the end of a relationship?

With a narcissist, if you get closure then you are one of the rare few. The narcissistic person will not allow you to get the closure you need. Instead of closure you get the silent treatment, smear campaigns, gaslighting, blame-shifting, the narcissist playing victim, hoovering, and repeated abuse. In other words, anything but closure.

They might even call you the abuser. Of all the people I have spoken to about the abuse they have suffered, not one has said they have had closure directly from the narcissist.

Can you create your own closure so you can move forward with your healing after narcissist abuse?

Absolutely you can! This video talks about why a narcissist won’t give you closure as well as ideas for how to move forward with your own life to create the closure you seek.

Get Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Now

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