As someone who has survived and thrived despite having experienced various forms of emotional abuse, thanks to involvement with narcissists in my own life, it was often hard to see while I was in the “thick of it.”

How do you know if your relationship is emotionally abusive?

Physical abuse is often pretty obvious, but emotional abuse can be incredibly hard to detect, especially if your victimizer is a narcissist.

On the plus side, there are plenty of warning signs.

If your significant other is a narcissist, he (or she) might engage in certain narcissistic behaviors and types of manipulation, such as the ever-pervasive gaslighting tactic that is the bane of so many victims of narcissistic relationships.

How to Know if You’re Being Emotionally Abused

Does your significant other:

1. Isolate you and prevent you from spending time with friends or family members?
2. Force you to account for your time when apart from him?
3. Act really jealous and possessive sometimes?
4. Make excessive and unreasonable demands for your attention, even to the detriment of your other responsibilities?
5. Make everything “all about him?”
6. Make you the scapegoat for all the arguments or problems in the relationship?
   
   Narcissists never accept responsibility for anything that goes wrong in a relationship. Of course they are happy to take credit for what is good.

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7. Consider himself the “boss” and insist on making all the decisions in your relationship/family/life?
8. Snoop through your stuff? Does he refuse to allow any privacy? Does he go through your mail, hack your email or Facebook account or go through your personal belongings?
9. Get excessively angry without warning or over tiny things?
10. Have the whole “Jekyll and Hyde” deal happening – where one side of him seems  charming or even sweet and loving, while the other is mean, spiteful and downright hurtful?
11. Play games with your head? Tell lies in order to confuse you or blame you for something you didn’t do?
12. Become overly critical of everything about you when you don’t do what he wants?
    
    Toxic narcissists will instantly become overly critical of everything about you if you do not do what they want.

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13. Take control of everything in your life, such as your finances?
14. Feel entitled to everything from your attention and UNCONDITIONAL respect, regardless of how he treats you?
    
    Narcissists have a very inflated sense of entitlement that makes them think the world owes them something.

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15. Feel entitled to your financial or other kinds of support?
16. Cause damage and/or give away/steal your personal property?
17. Harass you whenever you’re away from him because you have to be (such as work or school)?
18. Make threats about how he will “ruin you” or otherwise cause trouble for you at work, to your family or to others?
19. Say overly critical things about your body and appearance?
20. Have weird sexual issues?
21. Become excessively pushy or forceful about sex, or even hurt you during sex?
22. Become angry or sullen (or even display narcissistic injury) if you don’t go along with his sexual demands?
23. Drink excessively or take drugs, and then blame his awful behavior on alcohol, drugs or his own history of abuse or tragedy earlier in his life?
24. Pressure you to use alcohol or other drugs, even when you say no?
    
    Narcissists pressure victims to use drugs or alcohol even if they do not want to indulge.

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25. Cause you to become anxious about confronting him about literally anything?
26. Threaten you with physical harm or make you feel afraid of how he will react when you speak or act in general?
27. Manipulate you with the constant threat of mood changes and impending narcissistic rage?
28. Make you feel like you’re always “walking on eggshells” or living with constant stress, anxiety, or fear?
29. Withhold affection to punish you?
30. Give you the “silent treatment” when you don’t do what he wants?
31. Humiliate you?
32. Expect you to ask permission to do stuff as though you’re a child?
33. Threaten to hurt himself when he doesn’t get his way or if you threaten to leave?

What are the signs of physical abuse?

Listen, emotional abuse is awful and can make you completely miserable. But physical abuse is a whole other ball of wax.

While you should never stay in an abusive situation, you must remember that when physical abuse is a factor, there is no fixing it – and your life could depend on you getting away safely.

Ask yourself, does your significant other:

1. Physically abuse you in any way? Push, shove, grab, punch, hits or strike you with hands or fists?
2. Threaten or assault you with weapons, such as household objects or knives?
3. Blame you for their abusive behavior, saying things such as “look what you made me do,” or “well, if you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have had to hit you?”

If so, there is no time to waste – get help and get out before it’s too late. Here are some resources for you.

What are the signs of sexual abuse?

According to Dr. Phil, the following are signs of sexual abuse. If you’re being sexually abused, you can’t wait – you need to get out ASAP. If you don’t have any support (which is unfortunately common for victims of narcissism and abuse, since abusers often isolate their victims), start here, and check out these resources as well.

You are being sexually abused if your partner:

1. Views women as objects and believes in rigid gender roles.
2. Accuses you of cheating or is often jealous of your outside relationships.
3. Wants you to dress in a sexual way.
4. Has ever forced or manipulated you into to having sex or performing sexual acts.
5. Held you down during sex.
6. Demanded sex when you were sick, tired or after beating you.
7. Involved other people in sexual activities with you.
8. Ignored your feelings regarding sex.

More Resources for Victims of Narcissists

Visit the QueenBeeing Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Resources & Support Page

If you’re in an abusive relationship with a narcissist, you might want to read one of these books.

• Take Back Your Power: How to End People Pleasing, Stop Letting Life Happen to You, and Start Getting What You Want

• Alive Inside: How to Overcome Toxic Love and Narcissism in Relationships

• Take Back Your Life: 103 Highly-Effective Strategies to Snuff Out a Narcissist’s Gaslighting and Enjoy the Happy Life You Really Deserve

• Your Love is My Drug: How to Shut Down a Narcissist, Detoxify Your Relationships & Live the Awesome Life You Really Deserve, Starting Right Now

Are you experiencing (or have you experienced) emotional abuse in a toxic relationship? Find out for sure by taking this quiz.

Is your relationship toxic?

Are you in a toxic relationship with a narcissist? Take this quick assessment and find out today.

Does this person use your fears against you in order to elicit a certain kind of behavior from you? Do you feel like this person is out to feel “better” than you? For Example: If you told this person you felt insecure about your weight, he/she might later make discreet pokes at it, or in a romantic relationship, make comments about others who are thinner than you are. Yes, at least some of the time. No, never. I'm not sure.

Does this person claim to know what you (or others) are thinking? If you deny that your mind’s working the way he/she believes it is, are you accused of lying, or does the person make gestures or noises that indicate that? Yes, at least some of the time. No, never. It's hard to say.

Are you being told that things are normal when, deep down, you know for sure they are not? For example: Your boss asks you to blatantly lie to a client about the safety of an item. When you refuse, you might be told that ALL employees lie on behalf of their employers and that if you don’t want to be a team player, maybe you should find another position. Yes, at least some of the time. No, never. I'm not really sure.

Are you being accused of being “crazy” or called paranoid, stressed out—too sensitive or even hormonal? Do you get told that you need therapy or meds (or something similar)? Examples: “God, you need help!” or “You’re just like your crazy mother (brother, father, etc.)!” or “You really should consider getting some therapy – you’ve got some serious issues!” Yes, at least some of the time. No, never. I'm not sure.

Are you sometimes told that what you know to be true is not real? For example, if your mother says your significant other is a loser and that you need to dump him, after awhile, you might start to believe it and might even end up sabotaging the relationship because you begin to question your own judgment, thanks to regular conditioning during visits, phone calls and emails with her. Yes, at least some of the time. No, never. I'm not sure.

Does this person have selective memory? Does he/she deny that he said something that upset you if you confront him/her on it, will promise to do something and later tell you that it never happened? Hint: He/she might also use creative language to downplay his behavior and act as though your reaction is totally out of line. Yes, at least some of the time. No, never. It's hard to say.

Do you lie to this person to “keep the peace” or avoid getting him/her all upset or anxious? Do find yourself at least bending the truth a little in order to avoid the verbal/physical abuse that is sure to follow any discussion or situation that is against the person’s “rules” or “standards” sometimes? Yes, at least some of the time. No, never I don't know.

Have you stopped talking about yourself around the person? True or false: Depending on the depth of your relationship with him or her; you might even stop talking about yourself altogether. Then one day, when someone asks you a question about yourself, you’re stumped. You might even forget HOW to talk about you. True. At least some of the time. False. This isn't an issue for me. Unsure. This is a little confusing for me.

Are you depressed, angry, anxious or otherwise “unsettled” in ways that don’t feel “normal” to you as a result of this relationship? Do you often feel that you’re just not good enough for this person? Yes, at least some of the time. No, never. It's hard to say.

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