This happens in varying iterations and it happens often inside the same relationship over and over for decades sometimes. But outside of that basic skeleton, are narcissists all the same? Are there other identifiable relationship patterns with narcissists?
That’s what we’re discussing today – do narcissists follow the same relationship patterns in every relationship? Narcissists and people with NPD tend to develop their favorite strategies for getting what they want from other people – and yeah, they do tend to repeat them over and over again, especially if the other person cooperates on any level.
What do I mean? Let’s look at some different narcissistic relationship patterns.
Narcissistic Relationship Patterns
Repeat Rom-Com Narcissism
“Repeat Rom-Com narcissism” is an interesting one, and it can really fly under your radar. They love a good romance flick, and the way they see it, their lives should look just like one! These narcissists are so wrapped up in the “pretty” part of the relationship that they believe the whole thing should look that way. See, just like anyone else, narcissists can have some pretty big romantic fantasies.
- The Rom-Com romantic type will do the candlelight dinner and flowers thing early in the relationship.
- Note about these types – they often repeat the same romantic gestures in each relationship. They may even use the same pet names, frequent the same restaurants, and repeat the same experiences with each supply. It’s like for them, the romantic comedy of it all is that the story doesn’t change while the source of supply (aka the “significant other”) is interchangeable.
The controlling narcissist needs to be in control and gradually they will start to take over in all kinds of areas of your life.
- During love bombing/idealization, they pretend that they are doing it to be nice to you or to protect or take care of you.
- During devalue and discard, they tell you it’s because you aren’t capable of doing it yourself. In reality, it’s because they want to be in control of every single aspect of your life. This is true no matter your actual level of competency.
Even the most covert narcissist tends to engage in some emotional bullying and emotional terrorism. Emotional bullies tend to manage their fragile egos by devaluing other people. This is true for anyone they are in a relationship with – parents, children, significant others, colleagues, neighbors, and even friends.
- They do it by projecting their own issues onto you and they try and convince you that you are the one who has the problem, not them.
- They never praise you, preferring to only point out your flaws. But since no one is perfect and everyone has flaws, you could find yourself reluctantly seeing a bit of truth in their opinion, which can lead to more self-doubt on your part. You start to wonder: maybe you are a bit clumsy or thoughtless or….whatever.
- They chip away your self-esteem and, like a bloodsucking vampire, as you grow weaker, they get stronger.
Always ISO The Perfect Supply
The “ISO” narcissistic relationship pattern is painful, especially given the fact that so many narcissists end up with codependents, who often have a debilitating fear of abandonment. Early in the relationship, the narcissist seems nearly perfect: they put you up on a pedestal worthy of royalty, and they treat you in kind. The narcissist needs to know that you are far too good for them, a God or Goddess worthy of their awe. (Later, of course, all they want to do is have you put them up on a pedestal so you can properly worship them.)
- Of course, the first time they discover that you are only human and not some perfect and special being, they quickly lose their enthusiasm for you and go in search of a newer and shinier model, which of course launches the same process all over again.
- The only way to keep their attention is to play hard to get and maintain a certain amount of emotional distance.
The Miserable Long-Haul
The miserable long haul is where the narcissist almost refuses to leave you alone. In fact, you might even end up spending a lifetime with, with or without your consent at times.
- They will marry you (or at least offer a long-term commitment to you) pretty quickly, and unless you leave them, they’ll stick with you forever. Of course, you must have low standards and not require them to be emotionally and/or sexually faithful to them, and you must be prepared to accept whatever crumbs they can offer you.
- The indifference that will become part of the rotating cycle is alternated with mild to extreme contempt and occasionally, love bombing and hoovering.
Question of the day: do you recognize your narcissist in any of these patterns, or a combination of the toxic relationship patterns I described here, maybe? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below if so – if not, what would you add to this list?
Resources for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse
- Take the Test: Are you dealing with a toxic narcissist in a relationship?
- Healing Resources for Survivors
- How to Leave a Narcissist (PLAN)
- No Contact Support
- Tools for Recovery
- First Aid (PERK)
- Free Online Support Groups
- Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching
Related articles for people dealing with narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships.
- Why do narcissists follow identical relationship patterns?
- Toxic Abuse in Relationships: Inside the Narcissist’s Devalue and Discard Phases
- Surviving Narcissistic Abuse: 65 Things You Might Say to Your Narcissist If You Could
- How to Train a Narcissist: A Non-Toxic, Repeatable Two-Step Plan to Get a Narcissist to Treat You Better
- 121 Things Narcissists Say When They Are Gaslighting You
- Are narcissists jealous of their children?
- The Hard Part: Why and How You MUST Resist Narcissistic Hoovering
- Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Get Out of the Fog with Mindfulness
- New Study Offers Surprising Insight Into Why You Fell for a Narcissist
- Narcissists and Blame Shifting: Are you a built-in scapegoat?
Angela Atkinson is a certified trauma counselor and the author of more than 20 books on narcissism, narcissistic abuse recovery, and related topics. A recognized expert on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder who has studied and written extensively on narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships since 2006, she has a popular narcissistic abuse recovery YouTube channel. Atkinson was inspired to begin her work as a result of having survived toxic relationships of her own.
Atkinson offers trauma-informed narcissistic abuse recovery coaching and has certifications in trauma counseling, life coaching, level 2 therapeutic model, CBT coaching, integrative wellness coaching, and NLP. She is a certified trauma support coach and certified family trauma professional. She also has a professional PTSD counseling certification. Her mission is to help those who have experienced the emotional and mental devastation that comes with narcissistic abuse in these incredibly toxic relationships to (re)discover their true selves, stop the gaslighting and manipulation, and move forward into their genuine desires – into a life that is exactly what they choose for themselves.
Along with her solution-focused life coaching experience, Atkinson’s previous career in journalism and research helps her to offer both accurate and understandable information for survivors of abuse in a simple-to-understand way that helps to increase awareness in the narcissistic abuse recovery community. Atkinson founded QueenBeeing.com Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support, the SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups and the Life Makeover Academy.
She offers individual and group coaching for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse here at QueenBeeing.com and at NarcissisticAbuseRecovery.Online.