One of the biggest reasons I continue to write about narcissism is that so many people need the help I’m offering – often because they don’t even REALIZE they are experiencing narcissistic abuse while it’s happening. That’s also why I started posting YouTube videos on this topic a few months ago – it seems that there are even more victims than any of us ever realized.
Yesterday, I asked my SPAN (Support for People Affected by Narcissistic abuse in relationships) online support group to help me out with today’s focus – and it started with a single question:
What are some things your narcissist said to you during the “love bombing” phase of your relationship?
As we discussed the topic, several members of the group felt shocked about the similarities between their stories. There it was in black and white: the really plain pattern that seems to flow throughout nearly every toxic relationship with a narcissist – at least in some iteration.
These are their answers – as you look through this list, I want you to think back to the beginning of your own relationship – do you see a pattern, too?.
**Trigger warning: These are actual statements from toxic narcissists shared with me by actual survivors of narcissistic abuse.**
- “You seem like the type of person I would want to marry someday.”
- I never wanted children until I met you.
- I’m divorced.
- It’s all you – all the time. (Because I have no friends.)
- My exes are all crazy bitches. (Same narc asked at the end of the relationship: “Is it okay to still visit for sex after our divorce?”)
- Your mother/sister/father/brother are messed up! I hid out in the other room while they were here because they gave me a bad vibe.
- How dare you put your kids before me?
- You don’t love me! Only your children.
- The day after he had been drunk the night before. There was never an apology for his bad behavior but he would always ask “do you still love me?” And of course I would shower him with reassurance of how much I loved him.
- “I just want to be with someone who wants to be with me for the same reasons I want to be with them.”
- You’ve never met anyone like me.
- “I love you” after only a very short time (a few days to a few months).
- “I will die without you”
- “I will do anything to get you back, please just tell me you love me.”
- “Can I take the condom off? You know I will take care of you.” (3 days before he discarded me for his new victim. Probably because I said no and wasn’t going to take him back without him actually becoming a decent human being.)
- “You remind me of my mother”
- “The only way I’ll ever leave you is in a pine box.” (And left 3 days later, for a month, before coming back.)
- You’re all mine now and I’m not letting you get away!
- “God sent you to me.” (a couple days in)
- Oh I never used to yell this much before my ex-wife… (and other irrational or jealous statements/accusations)
- I’ve never loved anyone as much as you before. I couldn’t live without you now.
- How much do you love me? (I was asked this almost daily ).
- Will you always love me (again almost daily when he wasn’t giving silent treatment ).
- Why do you love me?
- You love me more than I do you!
- I think you’re a good investment!
- I wish I met you 30 years ago, we’d have been so successful.
- So, when’s the wedding? (2 weeks in)
- I just suddenly fell in love with you (the day after seeing my new house ).
- You’re perfect for me.
- No one will ever love you as much as me.
- I don’t need anyone but you.
- You’ve made me happy.
- My wife was cold and hated sex.
- My wife didn’t talk to me.
- My wife has issues.
- “I did everything to save my marriage” (I didn’t know about his 2 year affair which he was still in when he forced himself into my home saying he’d left his wife for me and I couldn’t refuse him and make him homeless. …we weren’t even going out together, he was just a friend through work!)
- “I know how wonderful it can be when two people truly love each other share the same goals.”
- Various graphic statements regarding my anatomy.
- It could have been anyone, but no, it was me, and no one else who was the perfect one for him.
- He knew I was his soulmate.
- He knew from the first time he saw me that I was the one for him.
- He never had as intimate a relationship with anyone before me.
- Sex has never been this good with others
- “I’ve never been love like this”
- “You’re my dream girl!”
- “I don’t know what hit me.”
- The first time I called… “A woman on my phone, it has been so long”. (7 months to be exact but with hookers in between that and meeting me.)
- “When I went out with my friends I would not talk to any other women… Until I met you. You’re amazing.”
- “I don’t do violence.”
- “We really are like soul mates aren’t we “
- “Where would I be without you?”
- “I’ve never been with a girl as pretty as you.”
Okay, now it’s your turn. How many of these phrases sound familiar to you? What would you add to our list? Share your thoughts in the comments section and let’s discuss it.
Need more help? You might like to read Your Love is My Drug: How to Shut Down a Narcissist, Detoxify Your Relationships & Live the Awesome Life You Really Deserve, Starting Right Now
Angela Atkinson is a Certified Life Coach and the author of more than 20 books on narcissism, narcissistic abuse recovery and related topics. A recognized expert on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder who has studied and written extensively on narcissistic relationships since 2006, Atkinson was inspired to begin her work as a result of having survived toxic relationships of her own.
Atkinson offers trauma-informed coaching and has certifications in life coaching, level 2 therapeutic model, CBT coaching, integrative wellness coaching, and NLP. She is a certified trauma support coach and certified family trauma professional. She also has a professional PTSD counseling certification. Her mission is to help those who have experienced the emotional and mental devastation that comes with narcissistic abuse in these incredibly toxic relationships to (re)discover their true selves, stop the gaslighting and manipulation and move forward into their genuine desires – into a life that is exactly what they choose for themselves.
Along with her solution-focused life coaching experience, Atkinson’s previous career in journalism and research helps her to offer both accurate and understandable information for survivors of abuse in a simple-to-understand way that helps to increase awareness in the narcissistic abuse recovery community. Atkinson founded QueenBeeing.com Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support, the SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups and the Life Makeover Academy. In her life coaching practice, Atkinson’s clients enjoy her personalized approach that allows and encourages them to become the best possible versions of themselves and to succeed in doing what they love most. She offers individual and group coaching for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse at NarcissisticAbuseRecovery.Online and NarcissismSupportCoach.com.