“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” -Mignon McLaughlin
Do you ever worry that your marriage is getting a little stale? Do you wish you could reignite the passion you once shared with your husband? Do you ever find yourself concerned that your husband might find himself interested in other women as a result of this complacence that’s developed between you?
There’s good news – as long as he’s a relatively decent guy (as in, he’s not physically or mentally abusing you), you can totally heat up your marriage again – and even put a little extra “affair-proofing” in place, while you’re at it.
How to Affair Proof Your Marriage By Giving Your Husband Exactly What He Wants and Needs From You
So, here’s the deal. It’s hard to be married sometimes, and if you’re in for long, you know that it is really easy to forget about the little things. This is especially true when you’ve got kids or even a really busy career.
Knowing what they need from us is the first step to becoming the hot wives they want (and that we want to be).
We know that men are biologically programmed to be hunters. They identify what they want and they go after it, no matter how difficult the pursuit. Maybe he went through a lot to attract your attention at first, but as time flies by, it seems like he’s not making much of an effort.
There’s some actual psychology behind it, though – he’s not just being a dick. Stick with me, I’ll explain.
The Psychology of the Hunter
Successful hunters are winners – they target and win the prey they’re after. And men? They’re kinda primitive like that.
While today’s hubby is more likely to run to the deli for sandwiches before the game than to hunt down a wild boar for sandwich meat, there’s still the primitive need to win.
So, what do men really want and need from their wives, then?
It’s simple: to win. That’s quite literally what men need from their wives – they need to win.
So, are you just supposed to be a doormat? Do they need to win every argument?
No, not necessarily. Most men don’t need to always be right, but they do need to feel like winners.
This is assuming, of course, that he’s a relatively healthy guy (mentally) who isn’t abusing you mentally or physically. If any of that is happening, you’ve got a whole other ball of wax going there – you might be married to a narcissist. If that’s the case, you might be reading the wrong stuff here – in fact, you might actually be more interested in learning how to take back your life.
But otherwise, let’s discuss how to fix what’s fixable in an otherwise healthy relationship. Shall we?
How to Make Your Guy Feel Like a Winner
Be Kind If You Must Criticize – and Be Proud Anytime You Can
As a wife, you’ve got a lot more influence over your man than you realize. For example, if a wife expresses confidence and trust in her husband, he feels like a winner. If she puts him down? He feels like a loser – and it hurts him more than he admits.
He might even say it doesn’t matter what she says, but it really does matter to him a lot, believe it or not. If you find that you need to criticize him for some reason, try complimenting him first, if you can.
And rather than bitching and moaning, try praising him when he does something you like – and don’t be afraid to go a little overboard at times. Think “you’re my hero” kind of stuff – guys eat it up.
Give Him His Personal Space (and Guy Time)
I don’t know about you, but I personally like my space, too – and I need my “girl time” every now and again.
When it comes to your hubby, don’t forget to give him space. Men often need space – whether it’s time alone or “guy time” with his friends.
Early in a relationship, that can make it seem like he’s pulling away, but he’s just being a guy. Maybe you want to cuddle for hours on a chilly afternoon, but he wants to spend a few hours in smelly overalls out fishing with friends.
It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. It just means he’s male – and if you wanted a female, you probably wouldn’t have married the guy in the first place, right?
So let him have his time for hobbies, sports or hanging out with the guys. You can bet he’ll brag about you to his friends whose wives may not be as smart as you are about what a man needs – and that makes you super, super hot.
Be His (VERY Sexy) BFF
It really ISN’T all about sex – your man also needs for you to be his friend as well as his lover.
He wants to think that he can talk to you about anything without being criticized or judged – and the longer you’re together, the easier it is to forget that.
If you built a great friendship before marriage, it REALLY matters to him. The fact is that he really values it – and he definitely doesn’t want to lose your friendship. And the longer you’re married, the more important it’ll become.
You might have interests in common on which your friendship was based, so never let those things go after the wedding. If not, then maybe you can find a way to create a common interest – find a good NetFlix series to watch or take a class together, maybe.
My husband and I have found a common interest in certain types of cooking, for example, and we’re one of those “opposites attract” type couples. So if we can do that, anyone can. .
Understand How Sex Matters to Your Man (And Why You Need to Give It Up on the Regular)
Women think that all men want is sex, and I’d like to tell you it’s not true. Sure, it’s technically NOT ALL they want, but it’s certainly high on their priority list.
For women, sex comes with emotional intimacy – it feels natural to feel physical affection for someone who supports us emotionally. But for dudes, it’s a whole other deal – they actually feel more emotionally connected BECAUSE of sex with their wives – and they’re likely to pull away on some levels if they’re not connecting with you physically on a regular basis.
How to Be a Hot Wife Every Day
Don’t forget to get dolled up in the morning. It may seem like it’s not a big deal, but it truly makes a difference for you and for him when you put a little effort into looking good, Not only will YOU feel better when you look better, but he’s more likely to remember why he married you in the first place – and those hot chicks at his office won’t stand a chance if you’re rocking the whole hot wife deal.
Listen, you don’t have to be a freaking supermodel here – it’s not about looking like everyone else. And he doesn’t even want that – he just wants to know that you care about his feelings and how he perceives you.
Let me say that again: KNOW that you don’t need to look like a goddess every second of every day. How beautiful you are really isn’t the point – believe it or not. The thing that will please your husband the most is that you took the time and made the effort to look good for him – I promise you.
Give It Up and Get It Back
Too often, husbands and wives get into a way of thinking that says, “I’ll give him what he wants after he starts giving me what I want.” And inevitably, this causes serious issues.
I’m not judging anyone, either – I have personally had to notice my own behavior in order to realize how much it can affect a relationship. It feels frustrating when your husband can’t seem to “hear” what you’re saying to him – but when you can understand why he’s behaving that way, you can make concerted efforts to help him get through it and become the guy you married again.
If you don’t do that? It’s up to you. But you know that it can mean that your relationship comes to a standstill – or worse, a breaking point. If you want to stay happily married, you’re going to have to be the “bigger person” sometimes and just give him what he needs from you – and then you’ll find that he returns the favor.
So if you’re struggling to feel close to your husband, or you just want to affair-proof your marriage, you need to make the effort to give your spouse what he needs and then you’ll find that your needs are being met in return. That’s the best way to stay happily married, til death do you part.
Giving the Best Marriage Advice: Now It’s Your Turn!
Tell me: What are your best tips for a long and happy marriage? Leave your thoughts in the comments below, or send me an email at angyatkinson at gmail dot com. I can’t wait to hear what you think.
Angela Atkinson is a certified trauma counselor and the author of more than 20 books on narcissism, narcissistic abuse recovery, and related topics. A recognized expert on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder who has studied and written extensively on narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships since 2006, she has a popular narcissistic abuse recovery YouTube channel. Atkinson was inspired to begin her work as a result of having survived toxic relationships of her own.
Atkinson offers trauma-informed narcissistic abuse recovery coaching and has certifications in trauma counseling, life coaching, level 2 therapeutic model, CBT coaching, integrative wellness coaching, and NLP. She is a certified trauma support coach and certified family trauma professional. She also has a professional PTSD counseling certification. Her mission is to help those who have experienced the emotional and mental devastation that comes with narcissistic abuse in these incredibly toxic relationships to (re)discover their true selves, stop the gaslighting and manipulation, and move forward into their genuine desires – into a life that is exactly what they choose for themselves.
Along with her solution-focused life coaching experience, Atkinson’s previous career in journalism and research helps her to offer both accurate and understandable information for survivors of abuse in a simple-to-understand way that helps to increase awareness in the narcissistic abuse recovery community. Atkinson founded QueenBeeing.com Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support, the SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups and the Life Makeover Academy.
She offers individual and group coaching for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse here at QueenBeeing.com and at NarcissisticAbuseRecovery.Online.