“Calm self-confidence is as far from conceit as the desire to earn a decent living is remote from greed.” ~Channing Pollock
How is a high level of self-esteem or self-confidence different from plain old arrogance?
~~The Question~~
Submitted by a Reader:
I was a shy and insecure kid and teenager, but the older I get, the more self-confidence I have. It didn’t come easy, though. I worked hard to get here and I work hard to stay here.
I work out and eat right, and I have a job I really love. I’m in a good relationship and I’m thinking of getting married and starting a family in the near future.
After years of feeling like I just wasn’t good enough, I feel great about myself finally, and I’m not afraid to let my confidence shine through. This is working great for me and I am mostly real happy with life.
So mostly I’m super happy these days.
But here’s the problem. My mom and my sister seem to think I’ve become “really full of myself.” They are always making snide comments about how I need to be humble and how I shouldn’t “brag:” so much. I don’t brag, I just tell them the good things that are happening in my life. I am trying to stay positive, like you suggest, because I want my life to keep getting better.
But these two are always saying I have to “face my issues,” which I have done already. I just don’t want to focus on them. They are just sooo negative and I don’t know how to make them stop acting that way.
What can I do to change the way they treat me? Or do you think I am the one in the wrong here?
~~My Response~~
First, let me congratulate you on your emerging self-confidence! I know how hard it can be to overcome insecurity, and I applaud you for taking charge and making positive changes in your life.
Now, as far as your mom and your sister go, the first thing you need to recognize is that, most likely, the reason they can’t be happy for you and your new-found confidence is that they, themselves, are insecure for some reason. Your success most likely makes them more aware of their own failures or insecurities.
It’s also important to know that it’s not your responsibility to help them feel better about themselves. You can definitely offer support and compliments whenever possible, but unless they have the desire to make positive changes within themselves, your input will only go so far.
So, my suggestion to you is to focus on your own perceptions, both of them and of yourself. Continue to work on feeling good about yourself and your life, and don’t allow anyone else to define you. You get to decide who you are, and you do not have to accept negative perceptions from anyone else.
Heads up: Do you think you might be dealing with a narcissist? Find out here.
As I told another reader who was struggling with feelings of unworthiness, your mother and sister aren’t alone–approximately 85 percent of all people have felt like they weren’t good enough at one time or another. It’s a common and unfortunate phenomenon in our society, one that you dealt with yourself in the past.
Rather than let their feelings of inferiority affect you, try just acknowledging them and moving forward. So, the next time you hear a snide remark about yourself, just let it pass. You don’t need to defend yourself–this only adds fuel to their unhappy fire. Instead, just focus on something that makes you feel good.
It can be really tough to handle negativity from the people you love, especially when you’re on such a positive track yourself. It’s human nature to want to share your joy with the people around you, and it can be disheartening when they’re not willing to be happy for you.
Just remember that no one else can define you. Not only do you get to do that yourself, but you don’t have to accept anyone else’s definition either.
As writer Peter Murphy says, “Just because someone is concerned for your welfare does not mean that their advice or input has value.”
You can also change your expectations. Remember that we get what we expect–so if you expect your mother and sister to be negative, they’re sure to give it to you. Try changing the way you feel about them. While you can’t directly change another person, you can focus on the good things about them as much as possible, and you might notice a positive change in them too.
In the end, try to stop worrying so much about what other people think and focus instead on how you feel. That’s when you’ll truly find peace.
So, how about you? How do you handle negativity from the people you love? What advice would you give this reader? Share your thoughts, ideas and experiences in the comments – let’s discuss.
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Angela Atkinson is a Certified Life Coach and the author of more than 20 books on narcissism, narcissistic abuse recovery and related topics. A recognized expert on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder who has studied and written extensively on narcissistic relationships since 2006, Atkinson was inspired to begin her work as a result of having survived toxic relationships of her own.
Atkinson offers trauma-informed coaching and has certifications in life coaching, level 2 therapeutic model, CBT coaching, integrative wellness coaching, and NLP. She is a certified trauma support coach and certified family trauma professional. She also has a professional PTSD counseling certification. Her mission is to help those who have experienced the emotional and mental devastation that comes with narcissistic abuse in these incredibly toxic relationships to (re)discover their true selves, stop the gaslighting and manipulation and move forward into their genuine desires – into a life that is exactly what they choose for themselves.
Along with her solution-focused life coaching experience, Atkinson’s previous career in journalism and research helps her to offer both accurate and understandable information for survivors of abuse in a simple-to-understand way that helps to increase awareness in the narcissistic abuse recovery community. Atkinson founded QueenBeeing.com Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support, the SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups and the Life Makeover Academy. In her life coaching practice, Atkinson’s clients enjoy her personalized approach that allows and encourages them to become the best possible versions of themselves and to succeed in doing what they love most. She offers individual and group coaching for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse at NarcissisticAbuseRecovery.Online and NarcissismSupportCoach.com.
Hi Courtney,
I’m so glad that the post was useful for you. You’re definitely not alone–it’s an unfortunate problem that many of us deal with on a regular basis. Keep your chin up and remember that you’re really not responsible for anyone else’s feelings. Just your own. Have a great day, and thanks so much for your comment! 🙂
Thank you so much for writing this! This line hit home for me “It’s also important to know that it’s not your responsibility to help them feel better about themselves” both of my sister’s and my mother are always throwing themselves a pity party and as the middle child I always feel the need to make them feel better..even though they are doing it on purpose. It’s nice to know I’m not alone 🙂
–
Courtney