Life isn’t the same, Your mask has been removed, And I know your game. You’ve manipulated my life, Given me a bad name & turned it into strife.
You’ve turned my family & friends against me, all for your own glory. May the truth be revealed, that you are only an imitation of love & empathy.
They will come to find your connection with them hollow, I & your heartlessness hard to swallow. They will be sorry it was you they chose to follow, & sad that they gave up on someone who would of been there for them tomorrow.
Your sources of supply, only need empathy & love & support & encouragement, to acquire your reply. It’s all abt., you & how others will fluff your feathers, soon away will they all fly, without a goodbye!! Your projection of heartlessness onto others, soon becomes towards you their rejection. Upon introspect, they soon realize of whose false affections they must reject.
Inverted jealousy, you thrive on, twisting the blame. Gaslighting one too many a flame. Narcissism has an end, when many eyes become opened. Alone you will be, inflicted with your own pain.
A heartless game played by the NarcNessMonster within, everything done to tie me into your sin. You brought it upon yourself, strife will eternally be your life. You played this game in stride, soon you’ll have to dwell alone with the beast inside.
-By Cynthia Lyn Woods An Original Poem Written September 23, 2018
Having a harmonious relationship in the workplace is essential to make your company more efficient and productive. However, since there are a lot of people that you’ll be working with, sometimes you’ll encounter an individual that is difficult to handle, especially if your employees are complaining about him. This can have a negative impact on your employees’ performance.
As a manager, you have to address this issue. Here are some tips on how you can empower your employees, especially if they have a colleague that is difficult to handle:
Be open for consultation
If you want to resolve this workplace issue, you have to know first the concerns of your employees with this particular person. This is essential so that you’ll determine the best strategies you can employ to keep your employees performing better and prevent them from being distracted.
Letting your employees know that you are open to listen to their problems, complaints, and concerns will help them become empowered. Moreover, you have to give them comforting words and proper advice so that they can handle the situation properly, especially if they need to work with the problematic person involved closely.
Give your employees recognition
One effective strategy when you want your employees to feel empowered is to recognize their efforts, even the smallest one.
Employee recognition should not be limited to brilliant ideas raised in the meeting or a great achievement that helped the company reached its goal. It can also be as simple as a slight improvement in his performance and even making an effort to reach out or resolve an issue involved with the individual he’s having trouble working with.
Giving your employees recognition even in the form of a small gesture will create a significant impact on them. It will keep them motivated, and therefore, they will do better in accomplishing their respective job responsibilities. It will also boost their morale as a valued employee of your company./ This will give a positive effect on their overall well-being.
Give them a little reward from time to time
Reward system is an effective approach to empower your employees. This will make them feel that the management appreciates their continuous efforts for the company. And the best form of reward is food. You can organize a small gathering during lunchtime, or coffee breaks, and treat them with small meals. You can order using HeyYou since it’s hassle-free and the food will be delivered right at your office door.
You can also give them time off as a reward. Employees that are awarded a vacation break or even a day off tend to be more empowered and motivated after they report back to work. Taking a break is vital to every employee, and giving them off from work will also show that you’re concerned as an employer.
Establish camaraderie and team-building efforts
The best way to empower your employees, especially if they have to handle a situation that they need to work with their colleagues they like the least, is to improve their professional relationship. It’s not your responsibility to establish friendships among your employees, but your objective is to kill the tension between the problematic person and the one who’s complaining.
You can do this by conducting team activities that will make them involved, and there will be no choice but to interact. A successful team building tasks, even when done in the workplace, can remove the tension between coworkers. Sometimes the problem between employees may stem from a lack of communication or just a slight misunderstanding.
Building camaraderie and engaging your employees to work together will not just empower them as an individual but as a whole team. Also, giving your employees an opportunity to work together and making actual interactions can break negative impressions and tension.
Be a friend and not just an employer
The best strategy to empower your employees is to establish trust and friendship. Sometimes, your employees will tend to build a wall between the two of you because of the work hierarchy. Try eliminating that perception and establish that they can see you as a friend, not just their manager/boss. Sometimes, when two individual is having difficulty working together, all they need is a friend that will bridge their gap to resolve the issue between them.
If you want to empower your employees, an essential factor you have to consider is improving their social relationships with their coworkers.
Having a conflict with their colleagues can hinder their professional growth and productivity.
Follow these tips to resolve this kind of issue in the workplace so that your employees are always motivated and empowered. This will reflect on the company’s productivity.
*Editor’s Note: Dear SPANily, this list of horrible insults and manipulative phrases was submitted by fellow narcissistic abuse survivor, Anna, who tells her story in this post. I’m publishing it here because I agree with Anna in that it may help one of our fellow survivors to recognize their own abuse. Love, Angie
I started keeping a list of his abusive phrases months ago mostly because I needed to see them in writing to believe they were real. I cannot fathom why I’ve allowed him to say these things to me. I am sharing them with you (sorry for some of the language) so you can share them if you like. Maybe they will help another victim to know there is hope and that there are people who understand.
Here is the list.
I am late because of you
I have to take care of you
This is what I have to do everyday-work for you and those fucking cats
Do you know how much you eat?
You’re a pig
Everything will be ok if you just shut the fuck up
All women are whores
Do you know how good you got it?
Get the fuck out of the truck, bitch
You’re fucking stupid
You know i love you, right?
Don’t touch me
Get away from me
Here I bought you this
Has anyone else ever done this much for you?
Women don’t have friends
It’s because you’re stupid
Fix me something to eat, bitch
I am going to bust you in your teeth
You are so fucking stupid
That’s how you do
Think about it, how good you got it
You can’t even take care of yourself
If you show up with a black eye, you better tell them everything is ok
Why are so mean to me?
I knew you had something going on, you planned this
I don’t need you; I don’t care if you are here or not
You know what you did wrong?
I don’t give a fuck
You know how much you cost me?
Get your shit and get out; never come back to this house!
I tried. When I did voice to another about the abuse, I only sounded like a whiny little brat. Here’s a couple of lines I’ve said as an adult:
“They act different when people are around.” and “They are putting on a show for you.”
I can easily see how the comments wouldn’t stick and fly over somebody’s head.
“You could have asked a counselor for help!”
Professionals such as social workers, guidance counselors etc. – they just don’t get it. They do not understand that No Contact is the only way to handle narcissistic abuse. I have been asked to speak to my abusers and again and again, only to open the door to more abuse because these professionals have no training.
This is one reason why children don’t speak up about the abuse – because there’s always a push for children to interact with their parents. I’m sure professionals with no training on this type of child abuse see the parent “doing everything they can” (when they cry victim as a manipulation tactic) and “the child is just making a mountain out of a molehill.”
No One Believed Me
I tried to tell people I was being abused at age 16. Unfortunately, because of the nature of a narcissist, nobody believed me. So, by the time I was 17, after many years of enduring the abuse I had a nervous breakdown and was sent to a mental health hospital.
I missed a lot of school. I shouldn’t have graduated with my class.
Why I Am Sharing This Story NOW
I’m sharing this for one reason, so that, as Pearl Jam sang in Why Go, “MAYBE SOMEDAY ANOTHER CHILD WON’T FEEL AS ALONE AS SHE DOES, it’s been two years and counting, since they put her in this place, she’s been diagnosed by some stupid fuck, and mommy agrees. Why go home?”
Yes, before anything else, I had Pearl Jam lyrics to let me know I wasn’t alone. Their lyrics seemed to zero in exactly on this unexplainable invisible abuse. I knew something was wrong when I was very young. …. I’m talking age 7.
And then, Pearl Jam came along and a lot of their early lyrics validated my feelings. I didn’t know the abuse had a name until much later.
What Narcissistic Abuse Feels Like to a Child of a Narcissist
When the abuse is at its worse, it feels like they secretly want me dead and they’ll do a real good job of nearly killing me without laying a single finger on me. On a good day, I know their script. I know exactly what they will say before they say it and I’ll have to concentrate hard to keep from rolling my eyes and/or busting out in laughter.
The setup is backward when it comes to toxic parents. The adults are to be the center of the child’s world – not the other way around. You are to know what they want before they know.
The moment you stop making them the center of your universe, they no longer have any use for you. If you wait it out, they’ll forget about you all together.
Neglect is easier than the abuse. You want to be neglected by your parents. To borrow from Dr. Phil, your parents are not A Safe Place To Fall. Meaning you know not to go them for advice or for life skills, such as what to do when your car battery dies or how to replace a clapper in the toilet, etc.
Something simple turns into a stressful dramatic ordeal, because of their need to make it about them.
I’m assuming many who have survived narcissistic child abuse don’t know how to build a healthy and safe circle of support to go to when simple life advice is needed.
Their need to play the victim is so intense that they will create situations that make no sense to anybody else.
As the narcissist is creating these situations to ensure they’re the victim, the problem at hand is easily forgotten about amongst the chaos. Playing the victim is a manipulation tactic used by narcissists.
Many scholars consider pathological narcissism to be a form of depressive illness, according to “Psychology Today”. The life of the typical narcissist is, indeed, punctuated with recurrent bouts of dysphoria (ubiquitous sadness and hopelessness), anhedonia (loss of the ability to feel pleasure), and clinical forms of depression (cyclothymic, dysthymic, or other). This picture is further obfuscated by the frequent presence of mood disorders, such as Bipolar I (co-morbidity).
While the distinction between reactive (exogenous) and endogenous depression is obsolete, it is still useful in the context of narcissism. Narcissists react with depression not only to life crises but to fluctuations in Narcissistic Supply.
The narcissist’s personality is disorganized and precariously balanced. He regulates his sense of self-worth by consuming Narcissistic Supply from others. Any threat to the uninterrupted flow of said supply compromises his psychological integrity and his ability to function. It is perceived by the narcissist as life threatening.
I. Loss Induced Dysphoria
This is the narcissist’s depressive reaction to the loss of one or more Sources of Narcissistic Supply or to the disintegration of a Pathological Narcissistic Space (PN Space, his stalking or hunting grounds, the social unit whose members lavish him with attention).
II. Deficiency Induced Dysphoria
Deep and acute depression which follows the aforementioned losses of Supply Sources or a PN Space. Having mourned these losses, the narcissist now grieves their inevitable outcome the absence or deficiency of Narcissistic Supply. Paradoxically, this dysphoria energizes the narcissist and moves him to find new Sources of Supply to replenish his dilapidated stock (thus initiating a Narcissistic Cycle).
III. Self-Worth Dysregulation Dysphoria
The narcissist reacts with depression to criticism or disagreement, especially from a trusted and long-term Source of Narcissistic Supply. He fears the imminent loss of the source and the damage to his own, fragile, mental balance. The narcissist also resents his vulnerability and his extreme dependence on feedback from others. This type of depressive reaction is, therefore, a mutation of self-directed aggression.
IV. Grandiosity Gap Dysphoria
The narcissist’s firmly, though counterfactually, perceives himself as omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, brilliant, accomplished, irresistible, immune, and invincible. Any data to the contrary is usually filtered, altered, or discarded altogether. Still, sometimes reality intrudes and creates a Grandiosity Gap. The narcissist is forced to face his mortality, limitations, ignorance, and relative inferiority. He sulks and sinks into an incapacitating but short-lived dysphoria.
V. Self-Punishing Dysphoria
Deep inside, the narcissist hates himself and doubts his own worth. He deplores his desperate addiction to Narcissistic Supply. He judges his actions and intentions harshly and sadistically. He may be unaware of these dynamics but they are at the heart of the narcissistic disorder and the reason the narcissist had to resort to narcissism as a defense mechanism in the first place.
This inexhaustible well of ill will, self-chastisement, self-doubt, and self-directed aggression yields numerous self-defeating and self-destructive behaviors from reckless driving and substance abuse to suicidal idealization and constant depression.
It is the narcissist’s ability to confabulate that saves him from himself. His grandiose fantasies remove him from reality and prevent recurrent narcissistic injuries. Many narcissists end up delusional, schizoid, or paranoid. To avoid agonizing and gnawing depression, they give up on life itself.