Private Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching for Less – Small Group Coaching

Private Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching for Less – Small Group Coaching

Are you looking for personal support for your narcissistic abuse recovery, but you aren’t willing or able to pay for private coaching? Or maybe you want some support in addition to traditional therapy or private coaching you’re already doing? Listen, I get it. Narcissistic abuse recovery is not even remotely easy, and it’s more difficult when you don’t have the right kind of support.

Check out our small group coaching program for narcissistic abuse recovery.

We have plenty of free resources for survivors of narcissistic abuse here at QueenBeeing.com, and if you’re willing to do it, you can work through this process on your own for free when you use the resources here on the site along with the videos at QueenBeeing.TV as well as our free online narcissistic abuse recovery support groups.

But sometimes, you want personal support and you have specific questions you really need to be answered. And that’s why we created a new, lower-cost way to get the support you need with our small group coaching program for survivors of narcissistic abuse.

Is Small Group Coaching Right for Your Narcissistic Abuse Recovery?

It’s important that you get involved in the type of recovery program that is right for you. So, let me ask you:

  • Do you feel like you’ve lost yourself after a toxic relationship?
  • Has someone in your life made you feel worthless like you don’t matter or like you’re not even a real person?
  • Are you struggling to let go of a toxic person so you can move forward in your life?
  • Are you ready to stop accepting crumbs and start taking what you deserve?
  • Are you looking for private support from a small group of people who get where you’ve been?
  • Would you like to keep your costs low and still heal quickly through a personal program?
  • Are you ready to truly begin an inner transformation and evolution that will allow you to become the powerful person you’re meant to be?

If you said yes to any of these questions, you’ll definitely want to take a look at our group coaching program, facilitated by narcissistic abuse recovery expert, certified life coach, and trauma coach, Lise Colucci.

Who is Lise Colucci?

If you don’t know already know her from our SPANily support group, you can learn more about Lise, right here. But here’s what you really need to know: A trauma-informed fellow survivor of narcissistic abuse, Lise offers a powerful kind of support that only a fellow survivor can provide. She makes sure that this group focuses on helping survivors of narcissistic abuse and traumatic relationships take their healing and personal evolution to a whole new level. All stages of healing welcome! It’s never too soon to evolve.

How Small Group Coaching for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Works

This small, private group runs in four-week blocks, meeting once weekly for one hour on video chat. Also included are messenger chat with daily check-in from your coach, Lise, and access to resources and a printable online journal.

Principals of self-care will be taught and reinforced as you learn to make that a lifestyle while working with these deeper inner issues that may be keeping you stuck in patterns that limit your life. As this is a coaching opportunity, please note it is not therapy, but it certainly does make a nice addition to a therapy program you may already be using and it can be beneficial for you if you’re already doing one-on-one coaching as well. This group will help you find your path to your own journey into self with the support of a fellow survivor who is also a certified life coach and narcissistic abuse recovery expert.

What You Need to Know About Small Group Coaching for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

Here’s what you can expect when you join our narcissistic abuse recovery small group coaching program.

  • One hour weekly video meetings
  • Email Lise for current times and session information at [email protected]
  • Cost: $60 (non-refundable at this reduced group rate) for the whole month.
  • This group is ongoing and can be joined at any time.
  • You can continue month-to-month if you choose (many people do), or you can opt-out at any time after the first month.
  • This includes an active group messenger chat for daily check-in if you need it as well as a printable journal and access to additional resources.

This program may not be for everyone, but it is definitely powerful and has helped so many of our fellow survivors to take their healing to the next level. Sign up right here, or click through to learn more about the program.

Testimonials for Small Group Coaching for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

Here’s what people are saying about our small group coaching program:

“This coaching was life-changing for me. There is unparalleled support from the group and Lise makes you feel like you are the only one – it gave me the courage to act on the things I have learned in these groups. At the time I started attending I was struggling just to grey rock – now I am out with minimal contact and working on regaining my freedom.” ~M.

“Lise rocks! Truly worth the money. This is a bargain for how much it’s helped me.” ~J.

“I had the best experience with Lise and really enjoyed the part where we could communicate with the group even when not in session.” ~A.

So, what do you think? Sound like it’s for you? If so, sign up here. If not, no worries! Definitely check out all of the amazing free healing resources we have for you over at QueenBeeing.com and QueenBeeing.TV.

Feel free to also reach out to Lise directly with questions at [email protected] with questions or to be added to a group.

 

Movies to Empower You During the End of Your Toxic Relationship (Narcissistic Abuse Recovery)

Movies to Empower You During the End of Your Toxic Relationship (Narcissistic Abuse Recovery)

So, you’re looking for movies and TV shows that inspire you to leave a toxic, abusive relationship? Or you’ve already left and you’re working on narcissistic abuse recovery, so you’d like to watch something that makes you feel inspired and ready to move on? Well, my friend, look no further. Here’s a list made by our community of narcissistic abuse survivors of movies and television shows that inspired, entertained, and properly distracted them during their own recovery.

You’re not alone if movies and TV shows help give you a little push toward taking back your life. A lot of narcissistic abuse survivors find that, especially these days, they spend a lot of time alone – whether they’re still with their abusers, or not. And in any case, one convenient way to spend rainy days or extended alone times is to watch movies and TV shows.

And, hey – when you’re dealing with the need to feel empowered or motivated, what better way to multitask than by watching inspiring, empowering, and at times, hilarious movies during the end of a toxic relationship and into your narcissistic abuse recovery, right? So what are the best movies to inspire you to feel strong, empowered, and ready to move forward with your life?

Best Movies to Empower You in Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

I polled The SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Group – and they shared the movies and television shows that help them stay focused on their goals, empowered to take back their lives, and properly distracted as needed

Best Movies to Inspire & Empower You To Leave a Narcissist

#1. Enough

Survivor Reviews:

  • “It’s got Jennifer Lopez in it, playing an abuse victim. It was my relationship to a T!”
  • “It helps you realize what you’re dealing with in the relationship, but then she takes back her power.”
  • “Totally inspired me to leave.”

 

#2. Birds Of Prey And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn

Survivor Reviews:

  • “Somehow they really nailed some of the truths of escaping abusive relationships. Like how they made her vulnerable and depressed and disoriented and strong and capable and resilient all at the same time.”
  • “I felt a lot of that movie on a personal level. It definitely was a solid pick me up.”
  • “I found Birds of Prey to be strangely inspiring. I mean I took away from it that Harley learned to be independent and strong after her breakup. Not having to rely on anyone else’s protection anymore.”

#3. Sleeping with the Enemy

“Julia Roberts kicks narc ASS!”

Honorable Mention: I Can Only Imagine

Survivor Reviews:

  • “I just watched the movie and I cried like a baby!”
  • “Warning: it can cause triggers. It’s about an abusive father but the ending is absolutely amazing.”

Movies That Make Good Distractions During Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

#1. Ma

Survivor Reviews:

“It’s a horror revenge thriller but I enjoyed it so much.”

“Not necessarily empowering, but a perfect way to distract myself.”

#2. Magic Mike XXL

Survivor Reviews:

  • “Because it’s sex-positive with hot guys.”
  • “Yeah, that one will keep your eyes glued to it!”

#3. Forgetting Sarah Marshall

“This one’s on the lighter side, but it was a great distraction for me when processing the end of my narcissistic relationship.”

More Interesting and Empowering Movies Recommended by Survivors of Abuse

Honorable Mentions 

TV Shows Recommended to Help Inspire & Distract You During Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

Please remember this. 

Clearly, TV shows and movies aren’t going to solve any problems for you. But, if you carefully curate your intake and choose media that empowers, amuses and otherwise supports you in your narcissistic abuse recovery, you’ll thank yourself.

As one survivor noted, “TV and movies can be very triggering for me too sometimes. I never realized how deeply it was affecting my thinking but so much of it is aimed at getting people to measure their worth by romantic relationships. So now I have a list of emotionally ‘safe’ shows and movies and even music that I resort to when I am feeling vulnerable. They are ones that don’t focus on romantic relationships but instead base the female character development on other aspects of their lives.”

Be sure that TV and movies are not the only areas you start curating in this narcissistic abuse recovery process. You want to focus on the people, activities and even the general energy you allow in your space while you’re going through recovery. It’s an ongoing process and if you want to intentionally heal, the first place to begin is by removing toxic influences from your life to make space for more positive ones.

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Resources

Helpful Videos for Narcissistic Abuse Survivors

 

Narcissistic Abuse in a Toxic Relationship: This is What Happens to You

Narcissistic Abuse in a Toxic Relationship: This is What Happens to You

What’s it like to be in a relationship with a narcissist? 

Do you know how it feels to be in a toxic relationship with a narcissist? Have you experienced narcissistic abuse? And can you recall the first time you really started to realize that something wasn’t right? It’s this ache in your gut, that one stray tear you can’t control and as it rolls down your face, it almost burns. It’s like your body gets it before you do, somehow.
It’s this feeling that something is missing or isn’t right. So, you try to figure it out. So, you start thinking and you go through all of the obvious possibilities.
Am I hormonal?
Am I being unreasonable?
Are my expectations just too high?
Could I be overthinking this whole thing?
As much as you rack your brain, you aren’t clear. You just know that  it is something else.  Something you can’t quite put your finger on….like a piece of you feels like it’s missing or gone somehow.
But how do you lose a whole part of yourself? You might kind of laugh at yourself, but the thought makes you feel almost nostalgic … but in an unidentifiable, achy way that can’t be logically explained. Maybe you have this sense that it might be some kind of other life calling to you. You think maybe it’s on the soul level.
Not sure you’re dealing with narcissistic abuse in a toxic relationship? Take this narcissistic abuse self-assessment and find out now. 

Narcissistic Abuse Causes You to Lose Yourself

You start to feel like you’re living inside your own head. You’re so internal that you might even start to hate everyone and everything. You start to see through it all, and everyone seems artificial. Their lives seem small and petty. Their problems seem unreal somehow – they are so far away. They are blind to your struggles and you can’t even begin to verbalize them, because they sound so petty when you say them out loud.

But you do your best to keep looking perfect on the outside and you pretend like nothing is wrong. You keep smiling and pretending that all is well.

Perfect on the Outside, Broken on the Inside

You maintain a perfect social media presence,  photos of your beautiful home and successful kids. You feel like a huge fraud as you try to project the image you want to see in your life, rather than what it really looks like behind closed doors.
It’s like social media gives you a certain amount of validation that you can’t get elsewhere. It makes you feel better somehow, like it’s okay that you’re dealing with all of this internal conflict, because you project that perfect life image.
Meanwhile, the narcissist in your life is always threatening to leave you. Threatening to stop loving you if you don’t conform to their will. They threaten to stop caring about anything if you don’t shape up.
We will just live our separate lives, they tell you. See how you like that, they say.

Apathy, Brain Fog and Cognitive Dissonance in Narcissistic Abuse

It’s like you’re living in some kind of bubble and nothing feels real. You’re not even sure YOU are real.  You’re exhausted and pretty much numb at this point. But every now and then, something reminds you of who you used to be, the fun and silly and passionately driven person that the narcissist seems to have beaten of you (emotionally anyway).
And when that happens, that person who you used to be…that person gets sad. Then you feel angry and like you’re finally ready to go. But inevitably the scary thought that is change takes you down this stupid road that imagines that things can be better.
The one part of you that is afraid to jump without a net shows up again and tells me that you’re overreacting and that it’s not really as bad as you think. That’s the problem with the narcissist’s intermittent-reinforcement-style of love because right about the time you think maybe it really is going to be different …bam! Smacked in the face with more manipulation and mind games again.
You remember that the definition of insanity is to continually repeat the same cycles and behaviors while expecting different results. And yet, here you are. You’re tired of being in this relationship and tired of feeling consumed with trying to make it okay when you are clearly less important than literally anyone or anything else in the narcissist’s life.
Your cognitive dissonance is strong now. You always thought this relationship was supposed to be us against the world. Me and you, you and me. Ride or die. Unconditional acceptance of one another. You keep offering it up, but you inevitably get the opposite in return.

What is Cognitive Dissonance?

Cognitive dissonance is a form of psychological stress or discomfort that happens when you simultaneously hold two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values.

Narcissistic Love is One-Sided and Conditional

Your relationship with an abusive narcissist will always be conditional and one-sided. You’re tired of never being enough. You’ve had enough of not being enough by now. You always say you’d rather be alone than unhappy … but the idea of losing everything you’ve worked so hard to build scares you more than the idea of shutting your mouth and pretending so that your kids can have a good life.
But you keep asking yourself this crazy question: am I really willing to give up the next umpteen years of my life being miserable? Isn’t it possible that I can have it both ways?
And yet, as you sit in the cold, numb aftermath of yet another attack on your personal character, your thoughts are dulled and foggy. You can’t seem to form a complete thought as the narcissist’s sharp, cutting insults replay over and over again in your head.
This torturous soundtrack is accompanied by a small voice in the back of your head, the part of you that remains indignant about the abuse, the slowly-dying part of that still knows it’s not normal and remembers that you deserve better. That part of you quietly counters the insults, reminds you that they’re all a part of the manipulation tactics the narcissist uses to gain control.
That’s the same part of you that truly knows that you’re not in a “healthy” relationship and that there’s little chance you’ll successfully change this person. That part of your mind races, struggling to form a plan to fix things, to make your escape, or to at least find “normal” again.
And it’s that part that will ultimately help you to not just exist and survive, but also to really thrive and become the fully realized person you deserve to be. The longer you remain in a toxic relationship, the more you deny your truths in order to avoid the wrath of this narcissist, the quieter this voice becomes.

Denying Your Feelings as a Result of Narcissistic Abuse

When you deny your feelings when you allow yourself to be told that you’re not a real person and that you don’t matter – you begin to act as if that is true. You start to breathe and believe it – you emanate a vibrational sense of “I’m not good enough.” And you become inferior because you believe that you’re inferior.
It’s hard to be happy when someone is always criticizing everything you say and do. It feels like you’re always walking on eggshells. And when you start to actually enjoy a conversation, whether it’s with them or with someone else, they cut you off because they aren’t interested in anything you have to say or they interrupt because whoever you’re talking to is not paying attention to them…well…it’s emotionally crippling, to say the least.
Only a person with extremely high self-esteem could even survive it, you think, let alone remain capable of thinking they have value in the world. You need someone to talk to, but you don’t know who will get it. You’re living in a constant state of invalidation. But why?

Because, at some point, during our toxic relationships and often beginning in childhood, people like you and me? We learn that love must be earned. We learn that our value and worth are conditional at best – and that’s if we think we have any at all. People hurt us and our souls are crushed. Our selves are lost.

Narcissistic Abuse Makes You Feel Unlovable and Worthless

We forget who we are, or maybe we never knew. We learn that people don’t love unconditionally, or that if they do, no one has found us worthy of such love. So what do we do? How do we deal?

We tiptoe around and we accept the crumbs – that intermittent reinforcement thing again- the crumbs of kindness and affection that have been our sustenance for our whole lives. We take those crumbs and we are grateful for them because we don’t even think we deserve this much, and we can’t imagine what it must feel like to be one of those people who has people who actually love them.

We pretend to be happy, Our faces smile, but not our eyes.

Most people don’t notice, and those who do make us feel attacked.  They say they’re concerned about us, they note that we’re different than we were before. And often, their concern is genuine. But whether we aren’t ready to hear it yet or we’re concerned that they’ll upset the abuser in our lives, we push them away and we hope they will just leave us alone. Because one more conflict with the narcissist will kill us, we think. And this person, as much as we love them, just doesn’t really get what we’re dealing with when it comes to our relationship with the narcissist.

Why Narcissistic Abuse Makes You Walk on Eggshells and What That Means for You

We learn to walk on eggshells, and we may or may not cognitively realize that underneath it all, we’re such nice people because we are secretly afraid that the narcissist will leave us, like everyone else does and has, in one way or another.

We get scared that everyone will leave us or otherwise abandon us. So we start being too nice to everyone around us. We stop talking about ourselves because people don’t seem interested and because our emotions seem to be a burden for anyone with whom we’ve shared them. We allow people to abuse us and we beg them to stay.

We accept it because we secretly fear that they have been right all along and that we truly are in fact unlovable.

Why You Have to Keep Starting Over in Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

Every now and then, we think we’re going to change ourselves. And we want to change our lives. We promise to ourselves that we’re finally going to start taking care of ourselves for once. We swear that we’re going to finally come into our own power and we’re going to start enforcing our boundaries – maybe for the first time ever in our lives.

We think it’s time to follow our passion and to actually start truly LIVING our lives. And sometimes, we succeed – we actually make things happen. Sometimes, we even manage to leave! Changes begin to become more and more apparent, and we think, “This is it! I’ve figured it all out!”

We are finally happy. We’re on top of the world! Other times, we fail. We forget to try, or we feel too exhausted at the end of the day. Or, we just…can’t.

But let me tell you something. Sometimes, it takes more than one shot. Sometimes, you have to keep starting again, and again. Sometimes, we have to learn new ways to think – and we have to do it again and again. We have to relearn all of it each time we forget. We have to remember who we are and what we’re doing here. The narcissist always does their best to make us forget, to shape and mold us into the extension of themselves they both want and simultaneously hate and resent. And yet, that little voice inside of ourselves keeps telling us that something isn’t right. That we need and in fact deserve better.

And you know what? That little voice, your intuition, is right. And it reminds you that the truth is that we only really fail when we stop starting. No matter where you are n your journey, and no matter how good it really gets, you still might, on occasion, have to start again. And that’s okay. You’re totally normal. Just keep starting. Don’t give up on yourself, and keep tuning in to that little voice, your gut – whatever you call it, tune into it and listen carefully. It is the part of you that knows the truth, and it’s the part of you that’s going to get you out of this whole thing and help you to take your life where you need it to go. You with me?

Question of the Day

Can you relate to dealing with narcissistic abuse in a toxic relationship? Share your thoughts, ideas, and experiences in the comments section below this video, and let’s talk about it 

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support & Resources

If you feel you need additional help and support in your narcissistic abuse recovery, look for a trauma-informed professional who is trained in helping people who are dealing with overcoming narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships. Depending on your particular situation, you might benefit from Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching, or you might do better with a therapist. You have to decide what to do from here – if you’re not sure, start with my free Narcissistic Abuse Recovery quiz. With your results will come recommended resources for your situation. It’s totally free.

More Free, Helpful Information & Resources to Help 

Related Resources for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

 

 

35 Things Narcissists Say When Gaslighting You (And What They Really Mean)

35 Things Narcissists Say When Gaslighting You (And What They Really Mean)

Narcissists have a way of communicating that can be very deceptive. If you’re looking for advice on how to decode the language of narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, and other toxic people, you’re not alone. Despite what many people believe, there are far more people who might qualify as malignant narcissists than you might expect.

And, as you may be aware, malignant narcissists, people with narcissistic traits, and those who are (or would be) diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder are well-known to have major issues with communication, especially when it comes to the people who are closest to them. One of the simplest ways you can identify a narcissist in your life, or figure out whether your relationship is toxic, is by learning how to spot the signs of malignant narcissism in the people around you.

One of the most common manipulation tactics narcissists use is called gaslighting, a pervasive and highly-effective tactic meant to manipulate you into questioning your own sanity and even your perception of the world around you. Today, we’re covering common phrases used by narcissistic abusers in gaslighting (and what they actually mean when used).

Why are narcissists all so similar? 

So often, people wonder if there’s some kind of narcissist playbook. Why? Because narcissists are all so similar, across the board. This makes it easy to predict what they’ll do next, if you educate yourself on their specific traits and disorder. In fact, whether the narcissist in your life is a spouse, partner, parent or another relative, friend, or even a coworker, there are certain kinds of phrasing they’ll use, and in many cases, they will use nearly identical word-for-word statements. Surprisingly, this is true regardless of a person’s race, culture, religion, nationality, and financial status. Malignant narcissism does not discriminate – it can affect anyone in any circumstance, from the jobless drug addict to the wealthiest person on the planet and everyone in between.

Translating from ‘Narcissist’ to English

Narcissists have a way of not really meaning what they say, and of not saying what they really mean, don’t they? It can feel like they’re speaking a totally different language sometimes. That’s why I’ve put together a series of videos that offer a variety of narcissist-to-English translations to help you identify and understand the toxic people in your life. Here’s the latest video in that series.

Things Narcissists Say in Gaslighting (And What They REALLY Mean)

“You’re angry? I don’t need to deal with this nonsense right now. I will leave you alone until YOU get back to your senses and come back to me later.”

  • Translation: I know I’m the reason you’re angry about MY antics. I don’t care, I will never care, and don’t expect me to apologize for MY behavior because I am blameless and perfect, and you need me anyway….”

“I’m sick of you accusing me of cheating. It’s getting old!”

  • Translation: I don’t get why you won’t just get over it. Clearly, I’m cheating. We both know this. But I am over actually hearing about it, and I’m tired of having to pretend I’m not doing it. Additionally, I will never take responsibility for it and I’ll go ahead and expect you to tolerate whatever I throw your way. And if you don’t, I’m totally going to act like the victim in this whole deal.”

“I WANT TO BE ALONE!”

  • Translation: “I want to spend time with someone else and you’re in my way!”

“I’ve done nothing wrong.”

  • Translation: “I’ve done ALL the things you pointed out, and probably a whole bunch more you don’t know about. But I think anything I do is okay because I’m the one who did it, and I don’t do things that are wrong. Also? Why do you keep calling me out on things I actually did? I don’t like that!”

“You have an anger problem!”

  • Translation: “I’m going to provoke and poke at you until you can’t take it anymore, when you finally blow up at me for continuously disregarding your boundaries, I’ll just say you’re an angry crazy person so I can play the victim instead of accepting any actual responsibility for my behavior.”

“I thought you were the last person I was going to be with.”

  • Translation: “I totally underestimated you and thought I could be with you while also doing whatever I want with whomever I want while you patiently wait for me (and on me) and keep my house in order.”

“You are too sensitive! You need to have thicker skin.” Or “Can’t you take a joke?”

  • Translation: “I don’t understand why you don’t just accept my cruel and unfair criticism as fact. What is wrong with you?”

“You’re going to have to work so hard to get my attention again.”

  • Translation: “You’ve caused narcissistic injury by somehow exposing one of my many flaws, and you’re going to pay for it by begging for my oh-so-precious attention while I blatantly ignore you and treat you like dirt on the bottom of my shoe. And while you’re at it, I’m going to make you feel like you’re the one who needs to apologize even though I’m the one who did something wrong.”

“You’re crazy.” or “It’s all in your head.” or “You need help.” or “You’re delusional”

  • Translation: “What you said is absolutely right. You totally hit the nail right on the head…but I don’t know how you figured me out and I dont want to admit that you’re right, so I’m going to make sure you feel crazy and look crazy. This way you’ll be more focused on what’s not really wrong with you instead of what’s actually wrong with ME.”

“You are always saying the same thing.”

  • Translation: “Why do you keep telling the truth over and over again? I hate when you call me out like that.”

“Everything is all about you!” or “You’re so selfish.”

  • Translation: “How DARE you try to make ANYTHING about you? Don’t you know it’s all about…ME?”

“I can’t have just a little time alone, so I have to be telling you every 5 minutes I love you?”

  • Translation: “You’ve somehow interrupted something I was doing or hiding from you, and now you’re asking me for validation? What am I, an actual human? You’d think you would know by now that I’m the only one who matters in this relationship!”

“Everyone says…” or “Everyone agrees that you’re…”

  • Translation: “I’m pretending that some imaginary group of people are silently agreeing with me about everything I say about you, because not only do I hope you’ll feel humiliated to think all of these so-called people are talking about you, but it’ll help me prove my point. Plus, as an added bonus, telling you that everyone thinks bad things about you will further isolate you and that means I’ll be in more control.”

“You’re a nice guy.” or “You’re such a sweetheart.”

  • Translation: “Because of your sweet, empathic nature, I can get you to do anything I want you to do by manipulating your emotions.”

“OMG! You’re so boring! Can we please talk about something interesting?”

  • Translation: “How dare you talk about anything YOU care about that isn’t me? You’re not saying enough things about me. I don’t like talking about things that aren’t all about me, or at least me-focused. Did I mention that I’d like to talk about things related to me?”

“I don’t think your glasses are working properly.”

  • Translation: “You saw what I was doing, and you understood it correctly, but since I will not be accepting any responsibility for it at all, I’ll just gaslight you real quick so you’ll doubt yourself and your own perception of the world by claiming that something is wrong with your glasses.”

“You treat me like a child!”

  • Translation: “Even though I require you to take care of me, do everything for me and otherwise act like you’re my parent, I need to pretend you’re trying to control me when you ask me where I’m going or where I’ve been or anything else I don’t want to tell you. But you better not stop doing all these other things for me, or I’ll further abuse and manipulate you.”

“I never said that! You made it up!”

  • Translation: “I totally said that, but I’m not really happy that you’re reminding me of it. So, I’ll just pretend you’re insane so you’ll start doubting yourself again. I always like to watch you squirm and feel confused. Keeps you busy so I can keep doing whatever I want.”

“I prayed to meet you,” or “I manifested you,” or “You’re my soulmate!”

  • Translation: “I am going to make you believe that our connection is divinely inspired so that you’ll feel like leaving would be doing something against God or the Universe or whatever you happen to believe in.”

“I’m sorry I seem to have done things to make you not trust me!”

  • Translation: “I’m sorry you’re calling me out on the things I’ve actually done, but I will not be acknowledging the very specific actions I have actually committed against you or our relationship. I mean, yeah, I totally DID those things, but I’m not capable of taking responsibility for them, so my fake apology will have to suffice. And don’t question me on this one. Accept it, or I’ll rage on you like always.”

“Everything that happens going forward is on you,” or “The ball’s in your court now.”

  • Translation: “I guess we can be together as long as I can be a horrible human being and you can continue to pretend that I’m perfect. Otherwise, you’re on your own, toots. At least until I need another shot of supply from you. Ok?”

“You just don’t listen!”

  • Translation: “I don’t like when you don’t go along with whatever I want or whatever I say. You’ve got a lot of nerve to say the truth as opposed to my twisted version of it – so I’m going to focus on diverting attention from what’s actually true by focusing on your hearing.”

“Why do you always insist on arguing with me about everything?”

  • Translation: “Why are you so obsessed with the truth? Despite the fact that I make up facts to back up my lies, we both know I am superior and it’s all my way or no way.”

“Can’t you see that I love you?”

  • Translation: “Why do you keep making me take responsibility for things I’ve done to you? Isn’t the fact that I use the words I love you enough to make you shut up and pretend everything is okay?”

“Why can’t you love me for who I am?” or “That’s just who I am – I won’t change for anyone!”

  • Translation: “I want to do whatever I want, say whatever I want, and treat you however I want – but I don’t want you to notice or stop acting like I’m the best thing in your life. And if you do ask me to stop doing something you don’t like or to compromise or bend in any way, shape, or form, I will make you so miserable you’ll be begging me for mercy.”

“Why can’t you be like everyone else?”

  • Translation: “Why can’t you just shut up and do whatever I want in any given moment? Why can’t you read my mind and accept whatever I say, think or feel as fact?”

“If you cant see that there’s a problem with this relationship, then there really is a problem!”

  • Translation: “Oh look! We’ve just entered the devalue phase and you’re a little shocked at how mean I’ve suddenly become? Clearly, this is all my fault, but you know I’ll never take responsibility – therefore, I’ve decided I’m going to go ahead and start making you question everything – including, and especially yourself and your own inability to perceive the non-existent issues I’ve just made up to confuse you. Boom!”

“Weird, your tears don’t phase me, even though I’m a total empath.”

  • Translation: “I don’t care that I hurt you. I’m a liar, not an empath. Got ya!”

“I didn’t mean to cheat on you, it just happened.”

  • Translation: “I refuse to accept responsibility for cheating on you because I am not interested in your emotions and I don’t care how you feel.”

“I’m the most honest person you’ll ever meet,” or “I never lie.”

  • Translation: “I’m the biggest effing liar on the planet, but I have an image to uphold to seem innocent, and likable. Plus, I’m really good at lying to MYSELF and I tend to believe my own lies when it’s convenient for me.”

“So, you’re making this about you…?”

  • Translation: “I really don’t care how you’re feeling, because everything is always about me, even when it’s really about you. And the idea that you would think otherwise really peeves me right off.”

“I just want things to be good between us”.

  • Translation: “If you don’t behave the way I want and accept all my lies and crappy behavior, then you’re making things not good between us, so it will be your fault that I will have to be mean to you and/or leave again”.

Any of this sound familiar to you? Could you be in a toxic relationship with an abusive, malignant narcissist? If so, the following resources might be helpful for you.

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Resources

Online help is readily available for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Here are some options to begin healing from narcissistic abuse right away.

Related Articles and Resources for Narcissistic Abuse Survivors

How to Support Yourself So You Can Heal Faster After Narcissistic Abuse

How to Support Yourself So You Can Heal Faster After Narcissistic Abuse

When you go through narcissistic abuse, a strange thing can happen: you can sort of lose yourself. You forget to do things for yourself, or you intentionally neglect them in favor of doing things for others. What’s worse is that even as you go through narcissistic abuse recovery, you might still neglect self-care since your life is changing and things get busier with kids and/or work, for example. And regardless of your personal circumstances, if you’re reading this now, chances are that you’ve neglected yourself or at least forgotten to include yourself on your own priority list.

So let me ask you: when’s the last time you put yourself first in life? Have you ever put your own needs first? There may have been a time when you were a child when you did put yourself first – well, that is if you didn’t grow up in a toxic family.

Growing Up in a Toxic Family: How It Affects You

Growing up in a toxic family usually leads to one of a handful of outcomes, one of which is becoming a toxic person or a narcissist. The other extreme is becoming more of a people-pleaser who becomes prone to abuse in adulthood, thanks to feeling like “toxic” seems “normal” for us.

But whether you met the toxic person in your life by birth or by chance, before you knew it, your attention was off yourself and your own needs. And, if you’re like most narcissistic abuse survivors, your attention most likely turned toward what the people around you wanted, demanded, and otherwise asked of you, and the responsibilities take root so firmly that you begin to neglect your own needs.

What’s a people pleaser?

A people pleaser, for the record, is someone who has a codependent personality that causes them to sort of need everyone to like them. They tend to avoid conflict to the point it becomes detrimental to their own lives or needs. This can make you especially vulnerable to narcissists and narcissistic abuse. But the reason for your “pleasing” ways isn’t as simple as you might think – and it most certainly isn’t as easy to stop as you might hope. But there are things you can do to heal from codependency, including learning how to set and enforce firm boundaries. But one often-overlooked way is less about how you interact with other people and more about how you take care of yourself. So let’s talk about that.

Support Yourself in Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, chances are that you don’t really know how on what YOU want, and more importantly, what you need in your life – mentally, spiritually, and physically.  Despite what the narcissist would have you believe, life’s not meant to be lived in a state of fear, stress, and chaos. And despite what you might think, your own mental, emotional and physical health are all connected.

How do you finally put yourself first?

So how do you go about relearning (or maybe learning for the first time) how to take care of your own needs first? Have you ever done this before? As I mentioned, if you grew up with a narcissist or otherwise toxic parent in your life, chances are that you may have never known what it felt like to be on your own priority list. But even if you are one of the small percentage of survivors who did not have either a toxic parent or a serious trauma earlier in life, and even if you did happen to have a serious sense of self-esteem before you met the toxic narcissist you’re dealing with (or have dealt with), you’ve still got a lot to remember.

For example, despite how you might be feeling right now, it’s really important that you remember the possibility of enjoying your life. What would that look like for you?

My Philosophy on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse (And Life in General)

In general, I am all about shifting perspective based on new information. And, I do my best not to judge others, for the most part. I try to remember that if I live in a happy mindset, I  live in a happy world – while if I live in a negative mindset, then I live in a negative world.

While I don’t vibe with the whole “toxic positivity” thing, I do believe that once you’ve got yourself free and safe, you’re going to do better if you make an intentional effort to feel better. BUT, that doesn’t mean you should shove your feelings down. It means you should be aware and awake, and let your feelings happen. Then, work through them and go forward from there. I learned the hard way that shoving your feelings down and trying to stay happy can actually hurt you in the end.

I find that the most important thing I learned in my own narcissistic abuse recovery is to focus only on what I have the power to change – and not what I don’t. This reduces a significant amount of stress across my entire life.

And I like to live by the philosophy that we should enjoy our days as much as possible. I believe that if we can open our minds to the possibility that we might have been mistaken or even plain wrong about any belief or idea we’ve had, even if it’s been in our heads for our entire lives, we are more intelligent and will have better lives than people who stick with rigid thinking and unchanging ideas. Being open to having been wrong about stuff I believe or believed before I learned something new is actually a big part of what led me here to you today – and I’m betting you could say the same about what led you here, to me today.

Self-Care is a Powerful (and Necessary) Part of Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

Putting yourself on your own priority list and paying attention to your own needs is going to be a big part of how you can reclaim your life and conduct a slow, but methodical total life makeover that takes you from stressed and overwhelmed or exhausted to free, happy and motivated.

It won’t happen overnight, but with intention and active self-care, you can heal and be even better than you could have imagined. You’ll regain your energy, have time for things that you are passionate about and crave, and watch as you see your efforts not only contribute to your own life betterment but for your kids and/or anyone else you most care about. There’s just one thing I ask of you: You need to give it your all. That means to pick and choose the ideas and thoughts shared by myself and other narcissistic abuse recovery coaches, not to mention your fellow narcissistic abuse survivors, to implement in your own recovery.

Not everything that works for me will always work for you, so don’t beat yourself up if you find that one thing works but not another. But in any case, follow through on the ideas and healing techniques you do try, and give it time.

Remember that Rome wasn’t built in a day, and you’re not going to go to sleep tonight and wake up with a totally different life. But if you stick to it and stick with your own personal plan for successful narcissistic abuse recovery, you’re going to see true results that nurture your spirit and help you get healthy on all levels.

Self-Care Guide for Narcissistic Abuse Survivors

Don’t worry about being perfect, but get yourself on some kind of self-care schedule – just a way of reprioritizing your day and night so that there’s time for what matters most – you! You may go through some initial emotions that feel like pushback against this idea, but just let them come and go as you work toward healing. One last tip for today: Don’t forget that things like guilt and avoidance are simply your mind’s way of resisting change. Change can be scary and it can feel really difficult. But if you think logically about it, you know that self-care is not an indulgence – it’s a necessity, especially if you’re working on narcissistic abuse recovery.

Be sure to check out our comprehensive self-care guide for narcissistic abuse survivors. And remember that with self-care, consistency is key, so it is really important that you find a path that helps you develop a routine that works best for you. You don’t need to feel intimidated by the process, because if you’re like me and most other survivors, that might mean you just freeze – or even give up completely.

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support & Resources

If you feel you need additional help and support in your narcissistic abuse recovery, look for a trauma-informed professional who is trained in helping people who are dealing with overcoming narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships. Depending on your particular situation, you might benefit from Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching, or you might do better with a therapist. You have to decide what to do from here – if you’re not sure, start with my free Narcissistic Abuse Recovery quiz. With your results will come recommended resources for your situation. It’s totally free.

More Free, Helpful Information & Resources to Help 

Related Resources for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

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