“There are as many forms of advice as there are colors of the rainbow. Remember that good advice can come from bad people and bad advice from good people. The important thing about advice is that it is simply that. Advice.” ~Al Franken
As a survivor of narcissistic abuse (who may also be an empath), it makes sense that you’re all about improving yourself and growing forward in all kinds of ways. Most likely, you listen to, watch and read the work of several different self-help experts and various other guru-types. And for the most part, you get advice that serves you well, right?
But be careful, my friend. Take the good bits and use what you can, and leave the rest behind. Because the truth is that not all self-help advice is great advice. All of those gurus are just human, and not all advice works for everyone. Just as doctors and lawyers are wrong from time to time, your favorite self-help guru may have spread some poor advice, too.
Plus, while there are certainly many well-meaning coaches and gurus out there, there are a few who are actually dangerous and even predatory. And for survivors of narcissistic abuse, some self-help tips can actually be kind of triggering or produce the opposite effect. Some of the most common self-help tips have been shown to be ineffective or even detrimental.
A few important things to remember:
If something doesn’t feel right to you, you don’t have to do it.
If you aren’t sure, ask your doctor, or an appropriate professional, whether the tips are safe to try.
If you are trying something new, try it for a while, and then evaluate how it is working for you before you continue.
Follow your intuition! How do you do that? You start by listening and paying attention to your SELF.
Your body and your intuition are constantly sending signals about what’s right and what’s not right in your environment. Going with your instinct, your gut reaction to a request is often the best response. When you’re asked to do something, before you answer, take a moment to check in with your body’s reaction.
Learn to read your body’s responses so you can make the right decision for you. Think about it. How does it feel when you’re asked to work on the weekend? When your kid wants a puppy for Christmas? I’m sure you know very well.
The same goes for self-help advice. When you hear it, listen to it, consider it and then pay close attention to your body and your thoughts. If your stomach clenches, your toes curl or you break out in a cold sweat, steering clear is probably the best response. You feel me?
Basic empathy is simply the ability to imagine yourself in another person’s place and understand their feelings, desires, ideas, and actions. But being an empath is a little deeper. Here are the top 10 empath traits (watch the video for expansion on each point!):
1. Empaths are highly sensitive.
2. Empaths absorb the emotions of the people around them.
3. Empaths can seem introverted at times.
4. Empaths seem to “know” things.
5. Empaths need time to be alone each day.
6. Empaths don’t always want to be joined at the hip in a relationship.
7. Energy vampires LOVE empaths.
8. Nature can make an empath feel better.
9. Empaths are sometimes seen as oversensitive to noise, smells or too much talking.
10. Empaths sometimes give too much and end up depleting themselves.
Learning to be assertive is one of the most important life skills you can develop. That’s true for anyone – but especially for narcissistic abuse survivors. Studies have shown that being assertive can lead to a whole host of benefits, from increased self-confidence to better relationships and improved mental and physical health.
Before you start, it’s important to understand what being assertive means. Psychologists define assertiveness as being able to express yourself effectively and stand up for your point of view while respecting the rights and beliefs of others. The basis of assertiveness is mutual respect and honesty. Assertive communicators are straightforward and know how to set and maintain healthy boundaries. Their relationships value and promote trust.
If you’re serious about living an authentic life and succeeding in reaching your goals, learning to be assertive is crucial.
Think about how you feel about your life right now.
Are you satisfied with your personal and professional situation?
Are you conflict avoidant?
Do you worry about what other people think of you?
If you’re not happy with where you are now, the good news is that assertiveness is a habit that can be learned just like any other. With practice and commitment, you can change your mindset and live a life more aligned with your true values and aspirations.
Try these tips for introducing a more assertive approach into your life:
Decide what your priorities are and stick to them.
Work out your individual boundaries.
Develop a positive open posture and look people in the eye when you speak to them.
Use positive “I’ statements about how you’re feeling instead of blaming or finding fault with the other person. Be especially wary of feeling tempted to say, “you always’ or “you never.’
Get comfortable with saying “no’ to things you don’t want to or can’t do. Keep it simple and non-emotive and don’t feel you need to add an excuse or explanation.
Only use “sorry’ when it’s appropriate for the situation. You don’t need to apologize for saying no.
Offer alternative suggestions to proposals you don’t like.
Look for compromises.
Be honest and direct about your feelings, thoughts, and intentions.
Consider writing a script for a situation that feels awkward. Rehearse being confident.
Try to keep your focus on the impact of the situation and finding a way to work together to find a mutually satisfying solution.
Above all, being assertive means staying in your power, accepting that you have control over how you approach the situation and your feelings about it. Assertiveness won’t get you everything you want all the time, but you will feel in control and deal much better with situations that would have previously been stressful.
People are Running Predatory Scams on Narcissistic Abuse Survivors – Here’s how to avoid being scammed. (Plus Q&A Support Replay) with Dana Morningstar & Angie Atkinson – You might be really vulnerable during your recovery from a toxic relationship. In this video, Dana and I discuss a private investigator scam that we recently heard from a member of our community. In this case, the so-called PI would only accept iTunes gift cards as payment, which Dana revealed are completely untraceable.
Also discussed are questions asked by survivors as well as how to stay safe in online support groups, and more.
‘Motivation Mojo’ is your ultimate guide to take the full advantage of the ‘fire’ that drives you to be insanely successful – your inner motivation.
What you are about to discover are the secrets to how the world’s high performers & successful people ‘re-fuel’ their motivation to help them to achieve lifetime goals that nobody thought possible. Now you can have access to the same secrets to fire up your motivation by following the strategies covered in this life-changing blueprint.
Feed Your Fire!
If you are looking for effective ways to feed your fire so that you can accomplish greater goals in life, be it personal or professional goals… then this guide is MEANT for you.
In Motivation Mojo, you will discover the secrets to how the world’s high performers & successful people ‘refuel’ their motivation to achieve their life goals.
You will learn the effective ways to feed your fire so that you can accomplish greater goals in life!
One of the biggest things I hear from narcissistic abuse survivors who find this site or my narcissistic abuse recovery videos is that they are so relieved to learn that not only are they not crazy, but that they aren’t alone in the painful and shocking realization that they are being (or have been) abused by a toxic person.
It’s a HUGE part of recovery. And it matters.
It’s so important for people who are going through and recovering from narcissistic abuse to truly understand that they are not alone.
When you share your story and your personal experiences with narcissistic abuse recovery, not only can it help you grow and evolve in your own recovery, but it offers you a unique chance to pay it forward and help to encourage and support other survivors who are having or have had similar experiences.
In addition to a personal narrative, you may choose to tell your story in one of several different forms, such as:
Your Own Photos
Videos (If you choose to submit your story by video, please keep the video at under 15 minutes. Do not upload to YouTube. Instead, upload privately to Google Drive or Dropbox and share to firstname.lastname@example.org. Email email@example.com and firstname.lastname@example.org with a link to your Google Drive or Dropbox upload as well as any additional information, photos or thoughts you’d like to share. If accepted, your story will be told in a video by Angie Atkinson or one of the other QueenBeeing coaches.)
If you want to keep your story confidential, QueenBeeing.com offers a number of safe, moderated spaces and support groups for sharing your stories, thoughts and ideas that are also private to our community. Learn more about those here.
Remember this: your voice is authentic, and it matters. You can truly make a difference for yourself and other survivors of narcissistic abuse by sharing your experiences and perspective. What has helped in your recovery? What has worked? What hasn’t? What has been the hardest part of recovery? What has given you hope and helped you move in the right direction? There are all sorts of things you know that other survivors of narcissistic abuse want to know. You are not alone.
Please help us let them know that they aren’t either.