Update: Your Love is My Drug (2nd Edition)

Update: Your Love is My Drug (2nd Edition)

**Second Edition, Updated 2019**Includes new chapters and information as well as an updated, more robust section on overcoming trauma bonding featuring Lise Colucci
Are you tired of feeling like you’re not good enough? Do you wish that someone in your life would just put your feelings first, for once? Or maybe just to consider you at all? Tired of being told you’re the crazy one as you deal with mind games at home or work? You might just be involved with a narcissist.

Narcissists are abusers – but they don’t usually beat their victims physically. No, narcissists are sneaky – they’re much more insidious in their form of abuse. When you think of someone in an abusive relationship, you think of someone who is getting beaten and battered on a regular basis, right? But while domestic violence is heartbreaking and unacceptable, there’s another form of abuse that might be even more dangerous. But even though you can’t always see physical evidence of abuse, the kind of overwhelming, all-consuming emotional abuse inflicted on the victims of narcissists is a form of aggression that should also be recognized.

The soul-crushing kind of abuse that is inflicted on the people who love a narcissist might not be visible to the naked eye, but it can leave devastating emotional scars that never go away. Most people have no idea how much the “sources” of narcissistic supply suffer in their relationships – and yet when these victims speak up, people often mistake them for whiners and dismiss their pain. This, of course, leaves them confused and blaming themselves for everything that is wrong in their lives.

This book offers an in-depth guide to surviving and thriving during and after life with a narcissist, in whatever degree necessary for your life. You’ll learn to recognize narcissism in those around you, plus how to identify and stop typical manipulation techniques, such as gaslighting, in their tracks. (Read More)

Get your copy free when you have Kindle Unlimited or Amazon Prime – or pay $2.99 and keep it forever. 

How to Talk to a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coach FREE

How to Talk to a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coach FREE

Get Free Video Coaching for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse

Speak to one of our narcissistic abuse recovery coaches during a live-streaming video coaching session on YouTube.

Angie Atkinson and Lise Colucci each offer free online video coaching sessions through the QueenBeeing YouTube Channels. Subscribe here for Angie’s sessions and subscribe here for Lise’s sessions.

When are the free video coaching sessions?

Angie’s live sessions are on Tuesdays around 12:30 P.M. CST. Lise’s sessions are on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays later mornings or early afternoons.

How can I get a reminder for each session?

In addition to subscribing to each channel and hitting the “bell” notification, you can text us your number. This will allow us to text you a few minutes before each live session. To be notified 5 minutes before each coach goes live each time, you can text ANGIELIVE for Angie or LISELIVE for Lise to 33222. Want to sign up for both? No problem. Just send two texts as follows.

  1. Text to the number 33222. In the body of the text, write the following word, no spaces: ANGIELIVE
  2. Text to the number 33222. In the body of the text, write the following word, no spaces: LISELIVE

This will only take a few seconds and it will allow us to let you know each time we go live. We charge nothing for this service and you may unsubscribe at any time.

Need more? If you’re looking for support in your narcissistic abuse recovery, QueenBeeing.com has you covered. Be sure to check out our services page for a full overview of our offerings. In addition to our one-on-one coaching options, we have both free and inexpensive options. These currently include the following.

Want more personal support? Check out our one-on-one coaching options, right here. 

How long does it take to recover from narcissistic abuse?

How long does it take to recover from narcissistic abuse?

Am I always going to be miserable? Will I ever feel normal again? When will the pain end? When can I expect to start feeling like myself again after the end of a toxic relationship? Will I ever stop missing my ex? Am I ever going to stop crying?

How long does it take to recover from narcissistic abuse?

This is a complicated question, and unfortunately, there is no one-size-fits-all answer here. It varies depending on the nature and duration of the relationship, as well as the depth of the abuse and whether or not you’re intentionally choosing to focus on healing yourself. In general, you could be looking at anywhere from a few weeks to a few years.

Personally, I’ve seen some people manage to recover completely in less than one year, while others find themselves still struggling decades later. It also depends, of course, on your definition of recovery. For example, some people might consider going no contact the final step in healing, while others choose to go on to evolve into a better version of themselves.

Stages of Grief in Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

It’s important to recognize that you might also need to go through the grief process after getting out of a toxic relationship with a narcissist. I know it seems wrong – especially when you’ve dealt with narcissistic abuse. But even if you feel like you won’t need to do it, you might want to be aware of the stages of grief as they apply to narcissistic abuse recovery. Most people do not expect this, but nearly all survivors will go through it. This video offers you an explanation of what to expect in each grieving stage.

Helpful: How to Deal with Breaking Up When You’re Still in Love with the Narcissist

Complications of Trauma Bonding: Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse

There are so many complications when it comes to recovering from narcissistic abuse – family connections, shared children, business and legal issues that make no contact impossible, for example. But for most survivors of abuse, trauma bonding makes recovery feel really hard.

What is trauma bonding?

Similar to Stockholm Syndrome, this is a condition that causes abuse victims to develop a psychological dependence on the narcissist as a survival strategy during abuse. Also makes recovering from a toxic relationship significantly more difficult.

This video explains how abuse affects our brains and how trauma bonds are formed.

This video offers information about how you can work on healing the trauma bonds on your own.

Think you might be dealing with trauma bonding? Take this trauma bonding test and find out now. 

Steps to Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse

The process of healing and recovering from narcissistic abuse is slightly different for each person, and it must be customized to fit the needs of the individual. In most cases, it loosely fits in with my DUO Method of narcissistic abuse recovery and it looks like this:

  • Discovery Phase: Where you begin to recognize there’s a problem in your relationship and you start doing the research to figure out what it is. You find a video or an article that perfectly describes your situation, and before you know it, you’ve gone down the rabbit hole, reading, listening and watching everything you can find on narcissism and narcissistic abuse. This is where you’re beginning to wrap your head around the fact that you might be dealing with a toxic person.
  • Understanding Phase: You continue to gather information and you are starting to recognize narcissistic behaviors in someone in your life. You are nearly certain this is what you’re dealing with, and you’re studying everything you can in order to figure out how it correlates to your life. You are drawing parallels all over the place and you might be talking with a coach, therapist or fellow narcissistic abuse survivors in a support group, as well as to people in your own life. You get it, and you’re getting the idea that you’re going to have to create any changes yourself, if you’re ever going to be happy. You’re digging into your own past and your own psychology as well, making sense of it all and figuring out why this happened to you.
  • Overcoming Phase: You’ve left or have decided you’re leaving, or you’ve been discarded and have decided you’re not going back. You KNOW logically that you’re doing the right thing and that you deserve better. You’re working on getting there emotionally and you’re working on taking the next steps to embrace your power and make your life your own again, or maybe for the first time. You’re making connections between your childhood and your adult relationships and you’re beginning to see what you can do to change yourself for the better – and to be more aware of toxic people so you can avoid them in the future.
  • Evolution Phase: The narcissist is no longer a part of your daily life, and if you’re in contact at all, it’s only because you share a child or because you have some business you can’t avoid with them. You’re starting to really live now. You embrace your truth. You follow your passions without shame, and you’re now enforcing your boundaries like a pro. Your standards are high, right along with your self-esteem. You have learned to unconditionally love and accept yourself, and for the first time in a long time, you can honestly say you are truly happy and fulfilled in your life – or at least you’re getting there.

Signs You’re Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

So how do you know if you’re really “getting there” when it comes to healing and recovering from narcissistic abuse? What kinds of signs would you watch for – and how will it feel? This video offers you a comprehensive overview of how to tell if you’re recovering from narcissistic abuse.

What comes next is up to you. I personally needed to sort of redefine myself (once I’d figured out exactly what I believed and what I understood to be true without the influence of the toxic people in my life). I highly recommend that you focus on something that makes you feel passionate as often as possible, and I suggest that you learn how to let go of limiting beliefs that may be stopping you from reaching your personal best.

Need additional resources? Want to find out which stage of narcissistic abuse recovery best fits your current situation? Click here to take a quiz to learn which stage of recovery you’re in and to be directed to resources specifically for your particular stage. 

 

When Self-Help Tips Hurt: Stay Safe in Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

When Self-Help Tips Hurt: Stay Safe in Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

“There are as many forms of advice as there are colors of the rainbow. Remember that good advice can come from bad people and bad advice from good people. The important thing about advice is that it is simply that. Advice.” ~Al Franken

As a survivor of narcissistic abuse (who may also be an empath), it makes sense that you’re all about improving yourself and growing forward in all kinds of ways. Most likely, you listen to, watch and read the work of several different self-help experts and various other guru-types. And for the most part, you get advice that serves you well, right?

But be careful, my friend. Take the good bits and use what you can, and leave the rest behind. Because the truth is that not all self-help advice is great advice. All of those gurus are just human, and not all advice works for everyone. Just as doctors and lawyers are wrong from time to time, your favorite self-help guru may have spread some poor advice, too.

Plus, while there are certainly many well-meaning coaches and gurus out there, there are a few who are actually dangerous and even predatory. And for survivors of narcissistic abuse, some self-help tips can actually be kind of triggering or produce the opposite effect. Some of the most common self-help tips have been shown to be ineffective or even detrimental.

A few important things to remember:

  • If something doesn’t feel right to you, you don’t have to do it.
  • If you aren’t sure, ask your doctor, or an appropriate professional, whether the tips are safe to try.
  • If you are trying something new, try it for a while, and then evaluate how it is working for you before you continue.

Follow your intuition! How do you do that? You start by listening and paying attention to your SELF.

Your body and your intuition are constantly sending signals about what’s right and what’s not right in your environment. Going with your instinct, your gut reaction to a request is often the best response. When you’re asked to do something, before you answer, take a moment to check in with your body’s reaction.

Learn to read your body’s responses so you can make the right decision for you. Think about it. How does it feel when you’re asked to work on the weekend? When your kid wants a puppy for Christmas? I’m sure you know very well.

The same goes for self-help advice. When you hear it, listen to it, consider it and then pay close attention to your body and your thoughts. If your stomach clenches, your toes curl or you break out in a cold sweat, steering clear is probably the best response. You feel me?

Here’s a recent video I did with Dana Morningstar from Thrive After Abuse where we discuss some of the “bad life coaches” that we’ve encountered in the narcissistic abuse recovery field.

Are you an empath?

Are you an empath?

Basic empathy is simply the ability to imagine yourself in another person’s place and understand their feelings, desires, ideas, and actions. But being an empath is a little deeper. Here are the top 10 empath traits (watch the video for expansion on each point!):

1. Empaths are highly sensitive.

2. Empaths absorb the emotions of the people around them.

3. Empaths can seem introverted at times.

4. Empaths seem to “know” things.

5. Empaths need time to be alone each day.

6. Empaths don’t always want to be joined at the hip in a relationship.

7. Energy vampires LOVE empaths.

8. Nature can make an empath feel better.

9. Empaths are sometimes seen as oversensitive to noise, smells or too much talking.

10. Empaths sometimes give too much and end up depleting themselves.

Still not sure you’re an empath? Take this quiz!

Why Being Assertive is Important and How to Develop It: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

Why Being Assertive is Important and How to Develop It: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

Learning to be assertive is one of the most important life skills you can develop. That’s true for anyone – but especially for narcissistic abuse survivors. Studies have shown that being assertive can lead to a whole host of benefits, from increased self-confidence to better relationships and improved mental and physical health.

Before you start, it’s important to understand what being assertive means. Psychologists define assertiveness as being able to express yourself effectively and stand up for your point of view while respecting the rights and beliefs of others. The basis of assertiveness is mutual respect and honesty. Assertive communicators are straightforward and know how to set and maintain healthy boundaries. Their relationships value and promote trust.

If you’re serious about living an authentic life and succeeding in reaching your goals, learning to be assertive is crucial.

Think about how you feel about your life right now.

  • Are you satisfied with your personal and professional situation?
  • Are you conflict avoidant?
  • Do you worry about what other people think of you?

If you’re not happy with where you are now, the good news is that assertiveness is a habit that can be learned just like any other. With practice and commitment, you can change your mindset and live a life more aligned with your true values and aspirations.

Try these tips for introducing a more assertive approach into your life:

  1. Decide what your priorities are and stick to them.
  2. Work out your individual boundaries.
  3. Develop a positive open posture and look people in the eye when you speak to them.
  4. Use positive “I’ statements about how you’re feeling instead of blaming or finding fault with the other person. Be especially wary of feeling tempted to say, “you always’ or “you never.’
  5. Get comfortable with saying “no’ to things you don’t want to or can’t do. Keep it simple and non-emotive and don’t feel you need to add an excuse or explanation.
  6. Only use “sorry’ when it’s appropriate for the situation. You don’t need to apologize for saying no.
  7. Offer alternative suggestions to proposals you don’t like.
  8. Look for compromises.
  9. Be honest and direct about your feelings, thoughts, and intentions.
  10. Consider writing a script for a situation that feels awkward. Rehearse being confident.
  11. Try to keep your focus on the impact of the situation and finding a way to work together to find a mutually satisfying solution.

Above all, being assertive means staying in your power, accepting that you have control over how you approach the situation and your feelings about it. Assertiveness won’t get you everything you want all the time, but you will feel in control and deal much better with situations that would have previously been stressful.

FYI: I’m currently offering a free ebook and mini-course on how survivors of narcissistic abuse can be more assertive in setting boundaries if you’re interested. You can sign up for free right here. 

 

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