Loyalty Binds, Narcissists, and Parental Alienation (Plus: The One Way a Narcissist Could Be a Good Parent)

Loyalty Binds, Narcissists, and Parental Alienation (Plus: The One Way a Narcissist Could Be a Good Parent)

Have you ever had to choose between two equally unpleasant options, or be seen as disloyal? If you were raised by a narcissist, you might have experienced parental alienation, and you might have faced such a choice. 

What is parental alienation?

In its most basic form, parental alienation means one parent turning a child against the other parent. The goal may be to try to get full control over the child, using them for attention and away from other people who could give it to them; aka narcissistic supply. But in the case of a toxic, narcissistic parent, they don’t even see the child as a whole person but as an extension of themselves or an object to be owned. 

In other words, a narcissist is likely to use their child as a weapon or an object to hurt the other parent. It is a form of psychological manipulation and is used to trick the child into showing unwarranted fear, disrespect, or hostility toward you and or other people in your family. 

For the child involved, it’s a painful and invalidating experience that lasts long into adulthood. complicating every relationship they happen to be involved with, from romantic ones to their own children, friends, colleagues, and more. 

Can narcissists be good parents? 

Maybe, says Dr. Judy Rosenberg, but there’s a catch. We know that there are plenty of malignant, toxic narcissistic parents who completely neglect their kids’ needs, ignore them, control them, physically or sexually abuse them, or otherwise make them miserable. 

But there are also many narcissists who appear to be great parents. They take care of their kids’ physical needs and ensure they’ve got the latest and greatest in fashion, gadgets, and everything else. They have beautiful, expensive homes that are perfectly decorated and always spotless.

But even those who do take care of the physical needs may barely even know their children, and the rest are sort of like live-in bullies until the kids move out – and even then, often continue to abuse and control their adult children

This is the ONLY Way a Narcissist Can Be a GOOD Parent (But Not GREAT)

“A narcissist can be a good parent if they are ethical and moral and fulfill their obligations to their children,” Dr. Judy said. “But they will never be a great parent because they just don’t have the wherewithal to show empathy.”

That trademark lack of empathy would effectively leave the child feeling unseen, at the very least. If we were talking about a malignant narcissist, the effects on the child would be more profound.

But, Dr. Judy said, “If they choose an empathic partner it can buffer the effects.”

So, if a narcissist chose a good partner with decent empathy skills, any potential damage to the child’s psyche could be mitigated. However, since we know that narcissists are notorious for emotionally and psychologically abusing anyone who gets close enough to see behind their false self (the mask they show the world), we can safely assume that this abuse would also, directly or indirectly, affect the child. 

What happens when you raise children with a narcissist?

When you have a narcissist who marries a codependent or someone who becomes codependent, you’ll see a strange thing happening in their family:  the codependent parent tends to throw themselves under the proverbial bus more often than you might think when it comes to protecting their kids, but sadly, the kids are still affected by the tension between the parents. 

Kids think toxic is normal. 

They start to think that this is how a relationship works, and depending on which parent is the narcissist and how they treat the other, among other factors, they may become either a narcissist or a codependent. The only way to prevent this is for the narcissist to be self-aware enough to allow the more empathetic parent to do most of the discipline and daily dealing with the kids. 

So, not only would the narcissist need to be self-aware enough to actually recognize this issue, but they’d also need to let the other parent be in control on some level.

While that seems nearly impossible given what we know about toxic parents and toxic family structure, Dr. Judy said that “if they can learn not to demean them but to value their children, and at least make an offer to put their needs first, that would be a good start.”

But could or would a narcissist ever do what would be necessary to be a “good” parent? 

It’s debatable, but in my opinion and according to my research, narcissists are infamously terrible parents, whether they ignore and neglect their children or fully control them – or some uncomfortable combination of both. There are many other common behaviors among toxic parents, of course – physical abuse, psychological abuse, and more – though not every toxic parent physically abuses their children, which can make abuse difficult to prove.

This makes it even more difficult to swallow. But it’s important to understand that narcissists have no level to which they will not stoop – and often, this includes actions (or lack thereof) toward their own children. They are not afraid to use a child as a narcissistic supply – and they’re happy to use them as a tool to hurt the other parent. 

Narcissists Use Loyalty Binds to Support Parental Alienation 

Let’s discuss another kind of manipulation and a whole new low for narcissists: loyalty binds and how they’re used by toxic people to actively alienate their fellow parents and other family members from their children.

What are Loyalty Binds?

Loyalty binds are used against you by someone who is forcing you to choose between them and someone else – often, a parent forcing a child to choose them or the other parent (or a step-parent, in many cases).

In the process, the victim feels forced to choose against their own best interests. This can happen in any type of relationship but it has been previously identified as an issue with step-parenting.

But when you really think about it, it also applies to narcissistic abuse in relationships and families –  specifically related to parental alienation. 

Loyalty binds are confusing for the recipient because the abuser will say that one thing is true, but behavior shows something else. They then blame their victim for not seeing reality in the same way that they do. This can and often does lead to cognitive dissonance.

For example, a narcissistic parent may tell a child that he loves them very much but then verbally abuse them at every opportunity. The child will believe his mother’s words about her love for him even though she keeps doing things that cause him pain and harm because he believes (rightly) that if his mother does not love him, he cannot survive due to his total dependency on her. The child’s survival depends upon keeping his mother happy so she doesn’t abandon him so he accepts her words and denies how hurtful her chronic abuse is to him.

When toxic parents use loyalty binds to alienate the other parent

The children of narcissistic parents are the most vulnerable to the effects of this vicious cycle. They often feel a tremendous amount of love and loyalty for their other parent, who is trying to protect them from their abuser. However, this abuser will use their bond and affection against them.

It can be incredibly difficult for a child that has grown up with parental alienation to stand up and question what they’ve been taught. In many cases, even as adults, they will continue to have difficulty forming relationships in which there is give-and-take, healthy boundaries, or mutual respect. The bonds they had with their targeted parent have been severed (or weakened), leaving them feeling abandoned, scared, and alone.

The relationship with the child may be distorted by the narcissist in order to maintain control.

The child may also be made to feel like they have to keep a secret or that they’re not allowed to tell the truth about how they feel for fear of disappointing the toxic parent.

They may be put in the position of having to keep the happy parent happy, or they risk punishment. The child might experience guilt and be actively triangulated by the toxic parent through guilt-tripping and other forms of manipulation. In some cases, children are made to believe that they are better off with the toxic parent, regardless of how much abuse they suffer at their hands (or how much better off they would be if they lived with the non-narcissistic one).

Attachment styles are affected deeply as a result of narcissistic abuse. The child may feel obligated to the toxic parent and guilty for loving or wanting to know the other parent (or even just being curious about them). They are often made to feel that it’s betraying one or both parents somehow just for them to want love from both sides (which is their natural right as children).

 

A child (or adult child) may have to choose one parent over the other.

When a child (or adult child) is forced to choose between the toxic parent and the narcissistic parent, they can experience very uncomfortable emotions. Examples of these situations include having to choose which parent’s birthday party to attend or being torn between visiting a sick parent in a hospital or going on a romantic vacation with a narcissistic partner.

When the narcissist is abusive toward the other parent, they may try to discourage a relationship with that other parent by demonizing them or by creating intense situations where choosing their parent would demand courage.

A child who is loyal to a narcissist parent will often have a difficult or impossible time visiting or seeing the other parent. The narcissist may create intense situations in which the child must choose between being loyal to their parent, which requires courage and strength or choosing the other parent.

The narcissist may actively try to alienate the child from their other parent by using verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, and guilt trips to discourage contact with them. An example of this might be if a child has plans to visit their father for his birthday but the mother strongly discourages it. They do this because they know that they can use fear, guilt, and shame as powerful tools against their offspring.

The abuse can escalate when it’s time for one of the parents to move out of the home.

From a child’s point of view, the custodial parent who remains in the home may get a disproportionate amount of attention. This is because the child will only spend part of their time with the non-custodial parent.

As for the non-custodial parent, he or she will feel as if they are walking on eggshells around their children. The children may be very angry at them for leaving in the first place.

They may also have been brainwashed into thinking that the non-custodial parent has done something wrong by leaving and that they somehow deserve to be punished. For those parents who live far away from their children, weekly phone calls can become awkward and difficult.

Children may experience grief, anger, and embarrassment over how the narcissistic parent talks about their other parent when they’re not around, or when they are on Skype or Zoom or over the phone.

The child may feel ashamed of what their parent is doing and feel like they are the only one dealing with this, or they may learn that this is one way to get their needs met. 

They may think that they are alone in having a parent who acts this way because no one else’s parents appear to act like this.

A narcissistic mother will often try to force her daughter into submission through guilt trips or through anger and aggression that has no reason.

  • When a narcissistic mother has decided it’s time to give you a guilt trip, she’ll disappear, suddenly and without warning. You might be in the middle of a conversation, but she won’t respond to your questions or calls, no matter how many times you try. She’ll ignore you until you’re so worried that you track her down and apologize for whatever offense she believes deserves your groveling.
  • A narcissistic mother will often threaten suicide when her daughter makes positive changes in her life that don’t involve the mother. The point is to get her daughter emotionally hooked again so the daughter will be forced to stay in the relationship and keep doing things for her mother. This can also work with threats of harming herself physically or going on “hunger strikes” when she doesn’t get what she wants from others.
  • Another common way of making people feel guilty is by threatening others with harm—especially if the threat includes children or pets. Mothers who are more concerned about their own needs than those of their children are always looking for ways to manipulate their daughters by using their emotions and fears as weapons against them—and there’s nothing they won’t do to ensure they have control over everyone around them.

Here’s the good news.

You can recover from being made to feel like you were stuck between two parents who were demanding your loyalty but not giving any back to you.

It wasn’t your fault. 

You are not alone.

You are not responsible for the dysfunction in your family.

Healing is possible and you can have a future.

Start here.

Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today

Online help is readily available for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Here are some options to begin healing from narcissistic abuse right away.

 

 

Want to fast-track your narcissistic abuse healing with a celebrity psychologist?

Want to fast-track your narcissistic abuse healing with a celebrity psychologist?

Have you experienced the devastating effects of narcissistic abuse in a toxic relationship? If you have, you’re not alone!

In fact, millions of people have been affected by narcissistic abuse from their spouses or partners, family members, friends, bosses, coworkers, and even acquaintances. So many survivors suffer in silence, and some don’t even recognize the abuse due to its pervasive nature.

But now you can change all of that – and the best part is that you don’t have to go it alone. You can get personal help from celebrity psychologist, Dr. Judy Rosenberg.

Introducing Dr. Judy Rosenberg’s Mind Map – BREAKTHROUGH THERAPY

A Life-Changing Journey To Be The Cause® Of Better Outcomes For Your Life!

DECODE YOUR PAST…RECODE YOUR FUTURE®

This is a proven system designed to identify childhood wounds, dismantle them at the CAUSAL level, and Paradigm Shift into mental well-being. You Will Finally Get To The Truth of WHY You Seem to Attract Toxic People and Learn How to End the Pain, ONCE AND FOR ALL! 

The Mind Map Will Help You to:

  • Identify Your Childhood Wounds
  • Learn how to identify childhood wounds from your past, how you reacted to them, and how you encoded them.
  • See How Your Wounds Still Affect You Today
  • See how your wounds created your current chaos and how to identify defense mechanisms that keep you stuck.
  • Break through your defenses and release yourself from psychological prison. 

You Will Learn To Shift: 

  • Paradigm Shift Into Mental Health
  • Learn how to paradigm shift your relationship with yourself and others, heal, recode, and reconnect. This will allow you to Be The Cause® of better outcomes for your life.

GET TO THE HEART OF THE PROBLEM AND STRAIGHT TO THE CAUSE

  • Don’t Get Treatment for the Symptoms, Treat the Underlying Cause
  • These Are Not Just Techniques. It’s an Entire System That Has Worked for Thousands, Including Many of Dr. Judy’s celebrity clients.
  • Get Instruction From a Licensed Clinical Psychologist Who Has Been in Practice for Over 25 Years
  •  Journal Your Mind Map™ Journey, your storyboard of your pathway from DISCONNECTION and MENTAL UNHEALTH to your mental HEALTH and CONNECTION

You Will Learn:

  • WHO is the cause of your mental dis-ease
  • WHAT Human Disconnect does to your psyche
  • WHERE you are going on the pathway to healing
  • FROM – Past mental health
  • THROUGH – Dismantling your old psychological DNA
  • TO – Paradigm shifting into a newly encoded and healthy blueprint of mental health
  • Do this NOW so you don’t have to carry your dis-ease within and spread it to the next generation.
  • WHY? Because you’re sick and tired of suffering from anxiety, depression, bad habits, relationships, and other unhealthy symptoms and patterns

What if you could personally jumpstart your healing process with a renowned celebrity psychologist?

In her mission to help heal Global Disconnect, Dr. Judy Rosenberg has been helping to heal some of our society’s most elite members for over 30 years. Now, she wants to take her mission to the next level with an exclusive offer! But this offer will only be extended to a select few – so you’re going to need to hurry if you want a spot. 

Learn more about Dr. Judy’s mind map system

Here’s a video interview I recently did with Dr. Judy about her amazing mind map system. If you have questions, give Dr. Judy’s office a call at (855) 431-0360.

Only a few spots left in Dr. Judy’s upcoming online workshop!

Here’s the exciting part: Dr. Judy has created a special, 3-part live interactive webinar workshop, during which she will personally guide 25 special people through her personally developed, proven, and shockingly effective Mind Map system.

Yes, the same one that countless celebrities have used to heal from their own childhood traumas and adult toxic relationships.

The catch? Because she wants to personally guide each survivor through the system, she has limited access to this exclusive event to only 25 people.

So how do you qualify to be part of this rare event?

  • First, you must be able to attend each session and ready to take back your power.
  • Second, you must be willing and able to do the work involved.
  • Finally, you must be genuinely committed to creating profound personal change in your life.

What do you get out of this?

I mean, besides the opportunity to have this celebrity psychologist personally walk you through the system that has been helping the elite heal for years?

Not only will Dr. Judy teach you how to “think like a shrink” so you can manage your own mental health, but you’ll come away with a new secret superpower: you can reuse the Mind Map, again and again, to dig into and resolve most issues that keep you from living your best life.

Plus, you’ll get the benefit of the shared community experience with others who are on their own healing journeys.

Learn practical strategies for making a successful transition from victim to survivor and master how to: avoid the pitfalls of narcissistic abuse, interpret narcissistic signals, manage distorted feelings and emotions, avoid the problems of codependency, gain clarity from past experiences including childhood wounds, and reclaim your true identity, once and for all.

YES, the Mind Map system is THAT powerful – it really works.

What Dr. Judy’s Clients Say

” I was so excited to see and work with Dr. Judy as I had been following the WTF shows from London. From the start, Dr. Judy ‘got it’, I mean she got my story! For the first time in my life, someone was able to understand and see the patterns. It wasn’t at all easy if I am honest and sometimes I was filled with so much fear that I would never be able to escape my core belief system but in the end, after a climactic panel 6, something inside me began to shift.

I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to work with Dr. Judy who really does all this from her heart! I’m still working through a lot even though I’m almost on panel 9 but what I know is that deep within me a seismic shift has taken place. I’m discovering more about the effects of narcissism and uncovering deep offshoots of my core belief which is painful fascinating at the same time.

It is true what they say- ‘when the student is ready, the teacher comes.” ~C,D.

“She mindfully shifts our conversations to relevant behavioral patterns and provides useful, constructive tools through her mind map principles, which causes me to better understand the relationship with myself and others in a completely new (and healthier) perspective.” ~T.R.
“After only 10 sessions I became a better, stronger person with Judy. When I first came in I was full of issues and not having any idea about how to deal with them and start living life again.” ~K.K.

Learn more and sign up for this one-time online event

Visit Psychological Healing Center to learn more and sign up for this amazing opportunity – but hurry, as there are just a few spots left!

Questions you’d like to ask before you sign up? 

Just give Dr. Judy’s office a call at (855) 431-0360, or take a look at this video featuring more information about Dr. Judy’s Mind Map system

QueenBeeing.com Announces Affiliation with Dr. Judy Rosenberg, Ph.D.

QueenBeeing.com Announces Affiliation with Dr. Judy Rosenberg, Ph.D.

QueenBeeing.com Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support System is proud to announce our affiliation with psychologist and creator of the Mind Map System, Dr. Judy Rosenberg, PhD. Dr. Rosenberg and QueenBeeing.com share a commitment to helping survivors of narcissistic abuse recover and thrive, and will work in concert to help achieve this goal.

This affiliation is part of an effort to provide more effective and useful solutions for healing from narcissistic abuse. 

Who is Dr. Judy Rosenberg?

Dr. Judy Rosenberg is the founder of the Psychological Healing Center and the Be The Cause® Mind Map System to help “Heal Human Disconnect,” the cause of most psychopathology. By helping people identify their problem and dismantle it, Dr. Judy helps her patients to paradigm shift from the problem into the solution. She completed her undergraduate work in psychology at UCLA and her graduate work at CGI (California Graduate Institute).

Dr. Judy is currently in private practice in Sherman Oaks and Beverly Hills, CA, and continues to help people with various psychological issues. You may also know her from YouTube as Dr. Judy WTF?!, as she has a weekly call-in radio show titled Dr. Judy WTF (What The Freud?!). Her focus there is on healing the “hole in the soul” that results from Human Disconnect.

She is a consultant to the media and has appeared on several television shows and is often interviewed by high-profile publications. Her recent appearances include Huffington Post, MTV, E Entertainment, KCAL News, CBS News, CNN, and Animal Planet. She has been in private practice as a clinical psychologist since 1996.

What is QueenBeeing?

QueenBeeing is an online, comprehensive Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support System created by certified life coach Angie Atkinson and continuously supported by our team of fellow survivors, certified life coaches, and mental health professionals. QueenBeeing also features a strong, vibrant, supportive community for survivors of Narcissistic Abuse that offers support in the form of support groups, counseling, coaching, and a number of courses and tools available for low or no cost.

QueenBeeing’s clinical psychologist partners include Dr. Robin Bryman and Dr. Zamecia McCorvey. Narcissistic abuse recovery coaches include certified life coaches Angie Atkinson, founder, Lise Colucci, Colleen Brosnan, and paralegal divorce coach Misty Dawn

In addition to the mission of empowering survivors of narcissistic abuse to become thrivers and to create the lives they want, QueenBeeing.com has launched a movement to spread awareness and to help survivors create change in their own families and social circles to prevent enabling and creating toxic people in this world.

Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today

Online help is readily available for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Here are some options to begin healing from narcissistic abuse right away.

What is Human Disconnect?

What is Human Disconnect?

Have you ever been in a crowded space and still felt completely alone and separate from everyone else? Do you secretly wonder if you’re the only one who doesn’t know the joke? If you have, you’re not alone. Many narcissistic abuse survivors feel this way. 

Have you ever felt disconnected from everyone and everything around you? 

There’s a chance you’re dealing with “human disconnect,” a term coined by Dr. Judy Rosenberg, and it’s a bit more complex than it sounds.

As society progresses to the point that we are less and less able (or willing) to be “out there” in the world, doing normal, real-world things, the more isolated we become as individuals. and this is exactly why it so important to understand the definition of human disconnect

We now order groceries at 3 a.m. and wake up the next morning to find them gently stacked on the front porch. We can have nearly anything we want hand-delivered and left at our door. 

Since I recently had the privilege of discussing this with Dr. Judy herself, I was able to ask questions and get clarification on the meaning of “human disconnect,” and what it means in relation to narcissistic abuse. I’m sharing our conversation with Dr. Judy’s permission.

What is Human Disconnect?

Dr. Judy explained that “human disconnect” is a condition that is relatively common among humans, but it doesn’t affect only individual humans and no one else. In fact, it affects society, communities, and cultures.

“What (Human Disconnect) means is that it’s a disconnect from your own soul, self, community, and family.” Dr. Judy said, adding that, “it can mean a disconnect from your own ability to feel emotions as well as to truly connect in a healthy way with others.”

She explained that when we experience pain from abuse or neglect, it causes a disconnection from the person who is inflicting the pain.

In other words, you emotionally detach from that person – and in my experience, that makes a lot of sense. And, in so many cases, you emotionally detach from yourself somewhere along the way too. 

Human Disconnect Leads to Global Disconnect

“The disconnect can take the form of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn – and it breaks trust,” Dr. Judy said. “This breaking of trust can then project on other people and communities and create more human disconnect.” 

Of course, for each person who deals with human disconnect, a few more could be “broken down” and destroyed, left feeling alone, abandoned, and disconnected. 

All of that, Dr, Judy told me, is the perfect storm to create Global Disconnect – which she says she’s working to help solve as part of her larger missions. It occurs to me that human disconnect is some kind of viral outbreak of loneliness and separateness. It can feel almost like it’s out of our control and we don’t have a choice.  

What causes Human Disconnect?

Human disconnect starts with the original human disconnect, Dr. Judy told me, nodding when I asked if she was referring to attachment styles. 

“Yes, think John Bowlby and attachment theory,” she said. “And then it becomes projected onto other people and relationships. All of this can lead to globally creating a global disconnect – we as a society are currently staring in the eyes at this right now.  Bigtime.”

The original disconnect would be due to the development of attachment styles as early as birth. “When there is not healthy attachment,” Dr. Judy says, reminding me to consider Dr. Bowlby’s attachment theory

What is attachment theory?

Attachment theory states that our relationships with our mothers can affect us and our lifelong development (and even our relationships with others) in profound ways. The theory first originated in 1958, when John Bowlby recognized the importance of a child’s relationship with their mother.

Bowlby found that our emotional, social, and cognitive development are all directly affected by our attachment to our mothers, which begins at birth and can be affected by her own attachment style, which would be affected by her mother’s, and so on. 

He also noticed that children who were separated from their mothers experienced extreme distress, which he assumed led to anxiety related to the idea that their mothers fed and cared for them.

But Bowlby and his fellow researchers noticed something kind of unexpected: that the separation anxiety would not diminish even when the kids were fed and cared for by other caregivers. Even the youngest children seemed to still miss their mothers. 

Bowlby was the first to propose that attachment could be an evolutionary thing – the child’s caregiver obviously is the person who provides safety, security, and food.

So, he reckoned, being attached to the mother would increase a baby’s chance of survival.

Toxicity Runs in the Family

In this video, I break down attachment theory and how it explains narcissists, codependents, and the reasons this sort of toxicity tends to “run in the family,” so to speak,.

Resources for Healing Human Disconnect

Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today

Online help is readily available for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Here are some options to begin healing from narcissistic abuse right away.

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