The #1 Thing a Narcissist Will Never Do

The #1 Thing a Narcissist Will Never Do


What is the #1 Thing a Narcissist Will Never Do? Validate You. Watch Video.

One of the most difficult parts of dealing with a narcissist for me was the constant invalidation of my feelings, my thoughts, and my emotions. Since my first narcissist was a parent, I would develop some serious personal issues as a result of it. I remember feeling like anything I said or thought or felt was somehow less relevant or less real than what other people said, thought or felt. I literally felt like I was not even a “real person” – or at least not as real as everyone around me.

In fact, if I’m being honest, it wasn’t until about 10 years ago that I really, fully recognized myself as a whole person rather than a watered-down extension of someone else. Yes, it sounds silly, but it’s true. I really think that the hardest, most painful part of growing up that way (and later, marrying another narcissist) was that constant invalidation.

Just to be clear, when I say invalidation, I mean emotional invalidation, which is when someone rejects, ignores or judges everything you say, think or feel. For example, when I was in second grade, I noticed that I could draw better than some people. I told my mother that I wanted to grow up and become an artist, and she told me in no uncertain terms that I could not do that because artists don’t make any money. Of course, this is just one of many examples I could share, and it probably sounds pretty harmless.

But here’s the thing – when we’re talking about narcissistic parents, this is an ongoing issue that starts pretty much the minute you can talk. And even when you’re involved in a romantic relationship with a narcissist for years, it can deeply affect you. See, despite what a lot of people think, invalidation is actually one of the most damaging forms of emotional abuse, and this is especially true when it is happens repeatedly over the course of time. Not only can it make you feel like you’re not a real person or like you’re a little crazy, but it’ll leave you feeling constantly confused and full of self-doubt.

On the other end of the spectrum here is validation, or accepting and recognizing that someone’s thoughts and ideas are worth hearing, understandable, and legitimate. It doesn’t mean unconditional acceptance of ideas or thoughts – it means that you don’t automatically assume that someone has nothing of value to say. It means accepting someone as a real person who is not less worthy or valuable than yourself.

And, even though someone who isn’t a narcissist (a “normal” person) may disagree or have a difference in opinion, they can still recognize the value in the thoughts and opinions of other people. Plus, a “normal” person is likely to make an attempt to understand people. They will try to look at even “abnormal” behaviors from a place of empathy – it’s basic human nature to try to see the other person’s side of things.

However, when there’s a narcissist involved, we’re not exactly dealing with “normal,” are we? Instead, we’re stuck with a walking, talking human-like being who seems to have a giant hole in their soul. A narcissist isn’t capable of true empathy, so it only makes sense that you can’t expect them to validate you.

Invalidation is a Hallmark of Narcissistic Abuse in Toxic Relationships

In fact, as it turns out, invalidation is one of the hallmarks of this kind of emotional abuse.

Sadly, there’s a simple reason, in my opinion: the narcissist sees you as a possession, an object – a thing. You are simply an extension of the narcissist, according to them. If they saw you as equal to themselves, it would shatter their grand illusion (the way they deceive themselves into thinking they’re better or more important than everyone else in the world).

Well – that, and because it’s yet another way the narcissist gaslights you and keeps you tightly in place in the narcissistic supply chain. Between the gaslighting, the narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury, and the flying monkeys of it all, you can become overwhelmed to the point that you completely lose yourself. And the truth is that all of the name-calling, verbal cut-downs, and narcissistic control that you deal with could all be placed under the umbrella of invalidation.

How do you recognize invalidation from a narcissist?

If you haven’t ever taken the time to watch for it, you might not even recognize that you’re being invalidated by a narcissist. If you’re anything like I was, you’re likely to assume that YOU are the problem, rather than your abuser. But it’s so important to recognize when it’s happening because it is essentially the #1 way that narcissists actively tear down your core self in order to keep you feeling off-balance, confused, and plain old not good enough – all of which, sadly, makes you easier to control. It is my goal to help you to take back your life, though, so I want you to see it when it’s happening, or at least to be able to recognize it in hindsight because essentially, it is one more way the narcissist lies to you and gives you the wrong idea about who you are – one of the most difficult parts about going through narcissistic abuse. If you want to recover, you first have to recognize it, right?

Signs a Narcissist is Invalidating You

So, in order to help you recognize it in your own life, here are some examples of what invalidation looks like.

1. During a Conversation

If you’re having a conversation with a narcissist, you might notice that when it’s your turn to talk, you get only grunts or a couple of words in response. Nothing that actually indicates the narcissist has heard you or understood you. Maybe even just a pause and a breath. You might even notice that they are just waiting until it’s their turn to talk again. They could care less what’s happening inside your head – they only want you to hear what they have to say. It doesn’t matter what you think or feel, as far as they’re concerned, because they see you only as an extension of themselves with nothing of value to share.

2. How the Narcissist Feels About You

Have you ever asked a narcissist how they felt about you? More specifically, have you ever asked what they like or love about you? Or did they ever volunteer that information to you? If you think back, you might remember that they always said things like:

  • I love the way you make me feel.
  • I love how you always listen.
  • I love that you’re always there when I need you.
  • I love how you take care of me.
  • Etc.

See how there wasn’t really anything about YOU PERSONALLY there? Rather, the focus is all about what you DO for them, not who you are. That is because the narcissist only cares about what they can get from you – what you do for them – not who you are as a person. As always, it’s all about the narcissistic supply.

Here’s the hard part – and it seems counterintuitive – but you have to figure out a way to not take it personally. Don’t get me wrong – I know it hurts, and it certainly IS a personal attack. But it’s not ever really about you. It’s really about the narcissist’s own shortcomings.

I want to tell you that you shouldn’t really care or even feel offended – I mean, it’s just the narcissist’s “way.” That is how they treat everyone, right?

Well, that would be the case if you didn’t seem to catch the narcissist appearing to genuinely connect with other people when they’re more of a brick wall when it comes to understanding YOU. That brings me to my next point, number 3.

3. Connections to Other People

I can’t tell you how many times, in tears, I literally asked my ex-husband, “Can you please just be nice to me?” Being with a narcissist can feel very lonely at times. And it is so frustrating to watch your abuser be nice to other people when they can’t even be polite to you, much less kind. Worse, they will seem to have empathy for them, while being completely heartless to you. And if you dare to even bat an eyelash the wrong way in regard to those people? He will tell you HOW THEY FEEL! And still, when it comes to you, the narcissist seems to hold tightly to this apparent blind spot, as far as you can tell.

But then you start to wonder. What’s so bad about me? Am I really as (insert insulting lie here – crazy/lazy/ugly/bitchy/stupid, etc.) the narcissist says I am? Do I really deserve to be treated this way? No one else in my life seems to think I’m that bad. Why this person? If you’re there, you’re on the right track.

Why the Narcissist Invalidates You

See, by devaluing and disregarding you with those subtle little behaviors, the narcissist gets something out of it: you, emotionally devastated and behaving like the good little narcissistic supply they need.

But if you think this is going to improve how you’re treated, you are sadly mistaken. See, once you’ve been properly molded into the ideal person the narcissist wants, you’ll hope that they will finally be happy with you. And while you might not notice that you’re more concerned about their happiness than your own (which is a problem in itself), you figure if you don’t make any “mistakes” and you do what they want, it’ll all be okay. But sadly, the happiness you hope for will never quite arrive – and if it does, it’ll be fleeting. That’s because the more you try to become perfect for a narcissist, the more they lose respect for you.

Narcissists Want to Devalue and Destroy You

Over time, they will have you believing that you’re not even an actual human who even deserves to be treated with even the most basic dignity. And you will find yourself acting in kind as you desperately seek to justify it to yourself with thoughts of personal change and self-sacrifice.

You rack your brain on ways YOU can change in order to elicit change from them. But here’s the thing – none of that will matter unless both people are willing to give.

You can only change so much without any reciprocation at all. Compromise means two parties come to a mutually agreeable resolution in which both parties get what they want. Otherwise, it’s just you giving and giving and them taking and taking until they completely drain you.

And my friend, you deserve better. You are just as important as anyone else in the world. Your thoughts, your ideas, your experiences – they are valid, they matter and they are worth hearing. Please, don’t forget.

Question of the Day: Is validation one of the biggest things you’re missing when it comes to your relationship with a narcissist? Are you forgetting who you are? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below this video, and let’s discuss it.

What Happens When A Narcissist Can No Longer Control You?

What Happens When A Narcissist Can No Longer Control You?

Narcissists have perfected the art of emotional abuse, fulfilling their need to be adored and idolized in a way that keeps their partners (and other loved ones) in check. But what if you’re not affected by this kind of emotional abuse?

What happens when a narcissist can’t control you?

How does he or she react? The lack of control is what makes narcissists go berserk. The thought that you might be going off and having a life that they don’t know about drives them into a fit of narcissistic rage. They tend to become irrational, emotional, pushy, and demanding. They may show signs of physical aggression or even threaten to take their own life if they feel that they’re being left behind or not getting their way. Yes, it’s THAT serious.

Prefer to watch or listen instead of read? Watch on YouTube.

My Story: When I Stopped Allowing Myself to Be Controlled by a Narcissist

Growing up, I was always “under my mother’s thumb,” as in, she was, as far as she was concerned, in control of every aspect of my life: my activities, thoughts, feelings, ideas – everything. And this didn’t end when I grew up and moved out. In fact, it continued until I was 35 years old.

In fact, I was 35 the day I went no contact with my mother. Before that, for my entire life, I had felt this deep, profound sense of obligation to her. She made sure of it.

I learned that her feelings, thoughts, and ideas were more important and more “real” than mine. She taught me that I needed to keep her happy and that I wasn’t ever good enough because I couldn’t be, say or do whatever it was she thought I should. It never seemed to matter how hard I tried, either. Even as a dang adult.

But that day, everything changed. See, I had recognized that she had betrayed me, in an unforgivable way that I could never have imagined. It woke me up and fast.

The very moment I realized what she had done, I almost physically felt something break inside of me – that seemingly indestructible cord of obligation that had always been there and had always caused me to bend to her will – it broke.

In one single moment, I lost the ability to care how she felt. And more than that, I lost the fear of her. She had always intimated that if I stopped doing what she wanted, or refused her too many times, she would abandon me, and then I’d have no one. I lived in that fear for 35 years.

I could never have imagined (nor would I have believed) that she would stoop so low to hurt me. I cannot even come up with the right words to describe the way I felt – it was almost like the time I was running in the dark as a kid and tripped over a branch, knocking the wind out of myself. I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me.

But then, I got mad. Well, not just mad. After years of being a people-pleasing, self-hating codependent, I was filled with blistering, blinding rage.

You know, the kind of soul-twisting, screaming, ugly rage that comes up from deep inside and nearly forces you to take swift action. The kind that causes you to get crystal-clear on what you want and what you deserve real quick. I was filled with what I now know is justified rage. I was indignant. And in that very instant, I was done. I went no contact and I have not looked back.

But it wasn’t so simple. My mother wasn’t done yet. She had been in control for 35 years and she wasn’t about to give it up without a fight. First, she got very angry. Then, she told a lot of lies about me and spread malicious gossip to everyone in the extended family, as well as to some of her friends.

And later, she’d end up publishing my name in her little work newsletter, asking people to pray for me and my “mental health issues.” After that, I heard through the grapevine that she was playing the victim, telling everyone how she had absolutely no idea why I wasn’t talking to her “after all she had done for me.”

She minimized me and justified her feelings by saying things like, “She’s always looking for attention.”

In fact, I was doing the opposite: I was looking for peace. I wanted nothing else from her. But a few months after I went fully no contact, I heard that she planned to send my brother over to my house during the holidays to straighten me out. The plan, according to the grapevine, was that he would just show up without calling. I nipped that one in the bud.

But why did she play all these little mind games? I suspect it was for one simple reason: because she was no longer able to control me. See, narcissists don’t like to lose control over any source of narcissistic supply. And when they do, they have some fairly predictable ways of reacting. Nearly every manipulative thing a narcissist does can be broken down into a pattern if you look for it.

So that’s exactly what we’re talking about today – the standard pattern a narcissist will use when they lose control over you. Plus, what you can expect when the narcissist in your life realizes that you have taken control of your own life and how you can and should respond when that happens.

What Happens When A Narcissist Can No Longer Control You?

Let’s say that you have figured the narcissist out, and you have realized the hard way that someone you believed in and trusted turned out to be a complete nightmare, to put it mildly. Now that you have seen through the mask and understand what the narcissist is all about, you have set your boundaries. You are no longer letting that narcissist control you. And while you already know that you should expect some kind of retaliation, you are worried about what comes next. And, given what you’ve been through, who could blame you?

So, what does the narcissist do when they can’t control you anymore? Let’s talk about it.

The Narcissist Will Begin A Smear Campaign Against You

The first thing they will do is utilize the smear campaign tactic. They will never accept the fact that they cannot control you. This means the narcissist will find other ways to be controlling. They will demean you, ruin your reputation, and they might even intentionally expose any sensitive private information about you to everyone who knows you – and even to some people who don’t. And because the narcissist is so good at believing their own lies, they’ll seem genuine. They will seem like they’re “worried about you” or just so “shocked you’d do something like this.” In other words, they’ll play this game in a way that makes it believable – which means your reputation will be ruined in no time.

The Narcissist Will Play The Victim

During and after the smear campaign, the narcissist will play the victim. They’ll act like you’re the one who caused the whole issue, and/or they’ll pretend that you just went crazy and ran away. By going to others causing them to feel sorry for them, they reiterate their point: they believe that they have been “wronged” by you. Yes, they will take advantage of that “poor me” act and they will do this without remorse, for as long as they want. An added benefit of this tactic is that it helps them get some replacement narcissistic supply in the meantime. The people they whine about you to will of course be sympathetic towards them – because, after all, the narcissist actually has convinced themselves that what they’re saying is true. So even the most skilled empath can’t tell that they’re lying in some cases – which means they will happily dole out the attention that the narcissist craves.

The Narcissist Will Refuse To Take No For An Answer

Some very tenacious narcissists will never accept the fact that they can no longer control you. Rather than just backing off, these particular narcissists will instead step up their game. They will utilize manipulation tactics such as showing up unexpectedly to your doorstep, or they might even show up at your job to make it clear that they will always be in control. They might even actually stalk you and literally show up whenever they want in an effort to send the message that they will always be the ones in charge. They will call you in an apparent emergency and try to get your attention that way. They’ll make stuff up as to why you need to come back and provide the necessary supply they are missing. This is what we call the hoover maneuver – because they are literally trying to suck you back into the toxic relationship.

The Narcissist Will Ghost You

If you can hold out and get through all of that stuff, you’ll finally be rid of the narcissist because, once their little bag of tricks is empty, they’ll ghost you. This is the best-case scenario because the narcissist will be out of your life. Eventually, you’ll be lucky enough that they will realize you’re truly done, and they’ll just go dark for you. This is because, without another move to make, they might just finally give up and move on to a different source of supply. You can bet you won’t get closure, though. And you can expect they will continue to tell sob stories and spread lies about you to anyone who will listen. But at least they’ll be leaving you alone. At least you’ll have peace, finally. Since they realized that the narcissistic supply that you used to give them sort of “ran out,” they will focus on someone else for a while. Fair warning here: don’t be surprised if, at a later date, the narcissist shows up again looking for more supply from you – they’ll try to suck you back in with a standard hoover maneuver. This is usually because they are bored with, angry at, or in some way removed from their new source of narcissistic supply.

How Do You Deal With the Narcissist’s Retaliation? 

So, now that you know what to expect when the narcissist knows they’ve lost control of you, you’re probably wondering what you’re supposed to do next. Well, I want you to keep standing behind your boundaries. I want you to stay focused on yourself and your healing. I want you to keep control of yourself and your own life. If you’ve gone no contact, I want you to stick it out.

Watch for Flying Monkeys

You should also keep an eye out for flying monkeys – the people who will happily do the narcissist’s bidding for them. These are the ones who try to talk to you on behalf of the narcissist or who try to convince you to see them. They’re the ones who take whatever you tell them and run back to the narcissist with it.

Steer clear of areas you know they’ll be and keep your business to yourself. If you are worried about your physical safety, do not hesitate to contact the authorities and do whatever you need to do to get and stay safe.

Ultimately, though, it’s important to see this for what it is.  For just a moment, I want you to look at this whole thing from a different perspective.

Recognize That You’re In Control

The thing is that if you’ve managed to get away from the narcissist and out from under their proverbial thumb, it means you’ve taken back control of your own life. And if the narcissist pulls all of their standard tricks, you have to know you’re already succeeding in your goal to free yourself from the burden of being their source of narcissistic supply. You have to know that you’re actually already winning this so-called game.

How do I know this? Because the narcissist tells you with their behavior. Think about it for a second: the narcissist has recognized that they can no longer control you, and their reactions are literal proof of that. Do you see what I mean?

Considering that fact, I want you to recognize that you’re the one in control now – even as they desperately try to maintain it. And rather than feel weak and afraid, I want you to feel strong and empowered by these behaviors. Recognize them for what they are: a pathetic attempt to claw their way back into your life. These behaviors – these patterns – are a clear reaction to the narcissist recognizing that YOU HAVE TAKEN BACK YOUR POWER!

And listen, my friend: the only way you can lose now is by letting them back into your life. Not that I’m the sort of person who would ever recommend revenge of a standard nature, but if you ever wished you could get revenge against the person who ruined your life, here’s the key: live your life well and happily without them. Pretend they don’t exist. Live like they don’t matter. Be happy, and be unencumbered by their toxic energy. That is the very, very best way you can win this whole toxic game – by living a life you love, a life that you create and choose. Are you with me?

Embrace Your Power!

Take the time to recognize that you no longer need to give your power away to the narcissist. Recognize that you have every right to make your own choices, to like and love what and who you want, and to be the best, most fulfilled version of yourself in any given moment. It’s an amazing feeling, my friend, and I want you to have it too.

Question of the day: Have you ever experienced seeing a narcissist lose control of you or someone else in their lives? How did it play out? How did you deal with it? Share your thoughts, share your ideas, share your experiences in the comment section below this video and let’s talk about it.

You might also be interested in this video: What Narcissists Do: 23 Lies They Tell and Secrets They Keep.

Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today

Narcissistic abuse recovery is difficult and painful, but it helps to remember that online help is readily available for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Here are some options to begin healing from narcissistic abuse right away.

 

12 Toxic Relationship Red Flags

12 Toxic Relationship Red Flags

Today, I’m sharing 12 signs you’re involved in a relationship with a narcissist, or that you’re married to a narcissist. Plus: what attracts narcissists and exactly what to do if you’re dealing with a narcissist in a toxic relationship. (See video on YouTube).

When I met my ex-husband, I remember feeling like he wasn’t right for me. I didn’t find him exactly attractive and we had almost nothing in common. Still, I found myself drawn to him and spending way too much time with him. I felt charmed by his smooth-talking ways, and before long, I even felt something that seemed like love to me. Within a few months, we were married and the BS began. But had I known then what I know now, I’d never have even married him. Because now I know that even before we actually tied the knot, there were plenty of red flags – obvious signs that he was not the one for me. Signs that he was toxic and in hindsight, signs that he might even be a toxic narcissist.

What’s funny about that is that once I realized that I had been married to a narcissist, I started to think about all of my past relationships. And it turns out, he wasn’t my first (or my last) toxic relationship. But what did that mean? Was it ME? Was I attracting narcissists somehow? Well, that’s exactly what we’re talking about today at QueenBeeing dot com – how to recognize that you’re in a relationship with a narcissist and what to do if you are. So, let’s get started.

The beginning of a relationship with a narcissist can be very deceptive; in most cases, a narcissistic relationship begins just like any other—with the standard phases of initial attraction, infatuation and eventually falling in “love.”

What type of person does a narcissist go for?

There is no single “type” that a narcissist typically goes for, technically—there are no parallels to be drawn among the partners of narcissists as far as height, weight, eye color, race or any other physical or cultural characteristic.

While there seems to be no “ideal” or “standard” mate/friend/spouse for a narcissist, there are certain similarities about the relationships. For example, the narcissist typically begins a new relationship with a “honeymoon” period, during which everything seems perfect, almost too good to be true.

Living in a relationship with a narcissist can be anything from exciting and exhilarating to soul-sucking and traumatic. And it usually is one or the other—depending on what day it happens to be. You might compare it to a type of emotional rollercoaster.

And a narcissist cannot exist without someone to adore, someone who will submit to their will, someone to be available at their whim and willing to disparage him or herself to their benefit. The narcissist’s whole identity really depends on it—it’s called narcissistic supply.

What draws a person into a toxic relationship and keeps them there?

Most toxic relationships become toxic because of codependency between two distinct personality types – the “giver” or the people-pleaser type (codependent) and the taker or “controller” (narcissist). Codependents are likely to be compassionate and kind – they are giving, sacrificing, and focused mostly on the needs and desires of the people in their lives. They aren’t likely to emotionally disconnect (and may not even know how, exactly). And most aren’t aware that they need to avoid narcissists, who are primarily selfish, self-centered, controlling, and harmful to the codependent person. A codependent is likely to appreciate the differences and what they initially see as strengths in the narcissist. This is before, of course, the narcissist shows his or her “ugly side” or their true colors. After that, it can get a little muddy.

While physically, culturally, and otherwise, the victims of narcissism are all different, there are certain qualities that typically unite them.

First, they must be insecure or at least have a distorted sense of reality. Otherwise, they’ll be out on the first or second exhibit of narcissism, early on in the relationship.

They will likely often belittle and demean themselves while glorifying the narcissist and putting them on an untouchable pedestal. Initially, this could be to combat the narcissist’s apparent lack of self-esteem, if they’re covert, or in response to positive feedback from the narcissist when they do this.

As a result, the codependent partner puts themselves in the position of the victim, which works fine for them as they have a tendency to punish themselves. Maybe they even seem to display a bit of masochism. Perhaps they even feel that they “deserve” this life of torment.

The codependent might become the narcissist’s eternal scapegoat, always put-upon, and putting their own needs last. In fact, that is part of how the codependent survives this type of relationship – putting their own wishes, hopes, dreams, and aspirations on the back burner in favor of the narcissist’s. I recall personally learning not to even consider my own wants and needs because my life became so much easier if the narcissist was happy. That meant I needed to put his needs before my own. And I wasn’t unusual that way – this is common to survivors of narcissistic abuse.

Victims of narcissism often call themselves “people-pleasers” or “diplomats,” but the truth is, they are often so downtrodden in relationships that they just become changed, reactive versions of their former selves.

Narcissists have this ideal image of what they want their partners to be, and if you in any way tarnish or cause them to doubt it, you’re going to be in the doghouse. They’ll also expect your home and your lifestyle to appear perfect and to make certain statements to the people he wants to impress. With them, it’s never about actually making their partner happy or safe – it’s always about what people on the outside think.

Can a narcissist also be codependent?

Contrary to popular belief, narcissists are not necessarily the opposite of codependents. In fact, while they appear to be completely different than their victims – polar opposites almost – they actually have often experienced very similar traumas to the very people they victimize. Often the victims of childhood abuse and/or neglect, the majority of narcissists could really identify with their victims and their own issues – if only they had the empathy to do so.

For example, both narcissists and their victims experience certain symptoms of codependency, such as the overwhelming feelings of shame, living in denial of their childhood abuse and neglect (or of their own current issues), control issues, dependency on others for their self-worth, issues with setting and overstepping boundaries and communication problems. Ultimately, while it seems counterintuitive, narcissists are definitely codependent – they just manifest it differently than their victims. The difference is that narcissists seem to turn inward, while victims seem to turn outward, with the love that they’d normally have given their parents and other family members, had they been allowed.

How do you know if you’re married to a narcissist?

There are 12 common behaviors that spouses and partners of narcissists report. They are as follows:

1. It feels like you’re the one doing most of the “work” in the relationship.
2. Your partner does things to sabotage the relationship and prevent it from moving forward—but doesn’t want to let you go either.
3. Your partner has episodes of excessive and often unjustified anger— sometimes even infidelity—and he or she somehow makes it all your fault.
4. The relationship is mostly focused around your partner’s interests and activities. When it’s not, there will be an ugly argument or outburst.
5. You feel controlled or manipulated by your partner’s moods to the point that you might feel like you’re walking on eggshells all the time, a slave to his or her whims.
6. You might find yourself covering up, explaining or apologizing for his or her behavior.
7. Your partner might make one-sided decisions that impact your safety and well-being.
8. You might feel unsafe by some of the actions your partner takes.
9. Your partner will refuse to see your good intentions, always blaming you for every situation, always making you admit you’re wrong, even when that’s not the case.
10. You sometimes find yourself desperately trying to remember the times when your partner showed love for you, acted like you could do no wrong—often this is in the early parts of the relationship.
11. You feel emotionally exhausted, often completely drained, by how hard you have to work to make or keep your partner happy.
12. Your partner could have a history of troubled relationships and/or addictions.

Between gaslighting, love bombing, and flying monkeys, you end up forgetting your own identity as you desperately try to become the version of yourself that would make the narcissist happy.

But even if you manage to completely change yourself and morph into the narcissist’s idea of the imagined perfect person, it never matters.

Painful Truth: You Will Never Be Enough for a Narcissist

Here’s a harsh reality that we all have to understand. When it comes to the narcissist and his perception of you, you can never be enough. Even if you completely focus your energy on a narcissist, he or she will always look for somewhere else, something else to increase their own “supply” of attention. No matter how amazing you are – it will never be enough for a narcissist.

Don’t let yourself be confused here – it’s DEFINITELY not YOU! It’s totally the way the narcissist’s convoluted mind works, and you can’t take personal responsibility for the broken person you’re dealing with – you just have to find your way to self-confidence and peace OUTSIDE of the narcissist.

The fact is that since the narcissist is so personally “broken” on the inside, nobody on earth can ever fill the endless hole of “need” he carries around – at least not for long.

There are so many manipulation tactics that most narcissists have in common that most of their victims say reading about the abuse suffered by others can feel like reading their own stories. Their gaslighting and other manipulation tactics are underhanded and sneaky – often undetectable. And yet, they’re so definable that even a child can learn to recognize them.

So, you think you’re in a toxic relationship with a narcissist.

Now that you know, where do you go from here? You might feel like you’re all alone when you’re dealing with a narcissist in a toxic relationship, but the truth is that getting involved with one of these “Jekyll and Hyde types” is something a lot of people go through at one time or another. Sometimes, though, people have to endure so much soul-numbing mental abuse from their partners, which can have a powerfully and profoundly negative effect on them that lasts a lifetime.

After a painful episode of gaslighting or other forms of narcissistic abuse, it’s sometimes very difficult to bounce back from the mental abuse you had to endure and your self-esteem plummets because of it. Not only that; the torturous mental abuse you were subjected to by a narcissist is usually an attack on your personal character – an emotional assault committed all too often by your narcissistic partner.

They need to make you feel worthless and insecure, but you don’t understand why – the truth is that you’d be their biggest fan if they’d just allow it.

Why does a narcissist want to make you feel worthless and desperate?

It’s basic NPD 101 – the narcissist’s intent (whether they realize this or not) is to gain control and boost their own ego. The narcissist wants you to have low self-esteem so you won’t think for yourself. In an ideal situation, when you first recognize this, it is time to go “no contact” (NC).

Truth is that getting out of a toxic relationship like that is the first step you need to take in order to save your own sanity. But sometimes, no contact isn’t possible. What do you do then? You start planning and figuring out what you’re going to do, but in the meantime, you learn how to deal with it. Here are a few tips to help you get through it.

There are other things you’ll need to do to recover fully from the gaslighting, manipulation, and mental abuse that you are experiencing (or have experienced).

1. Start by getting “back to your life” – so get out and do things with your family and friends, because an abuser loves to alienate you from your loved ones.
2. Keep your mind focused on other things so that you don’t isolate yourself at home and become dependent on the negative person who’s feeding into your self-esteem issues. I have found that focusing on what I CAN control (as opposed to things that are beyond my control) is especially helpful – you have to change your mind to change your life, right?
3. Get busy or start a project. Call your friends, read uplifting books or concentrate on a project like redecorating your house.
4. Do whatever it takes to keep you going. If you have a job, continue to work and take note of your goals and achievements. If you don’t have a job, look for one. Working can get your mind off of your problems and give you the necessary affirmation that you can do whatever you put your mind to – and that you’re not worthless.
5. Avoid jumping into other relationships until you’re fully healed emotionally. You’re more likely to fall for other partners who are just like your ex. You don’t want to get into the same situation as before and repeat the cycle of abuse.
6. Don’t waste time on thoughts of your ex – whether it’s negative or otherwise. Some people make the mistake of spending a lot of time with thoughts of how much they hate their former partner or how they wish they could get revenge.
7. Release the anger and focus on what’s important – you! It’s time to move forward with your life. Don’t be afraid to seek some professional help. A professional can help you work through your feelings and help you build your self-esteem back up. Don’t let a toxic relationship break your spirit – get out there and take back your life!

The question of the day is are you in a relationship with a narcissist? Have you been in one before? Share your thoughts, share your ideas, share your experiences in the comments section below this video.

Resources for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support

Why Do People Fall For The Narcissist’s Smear Campaign?

Why Do People Fall For The Narcissist’s Smear Campaign?

Are you dealing with someone in your life who is spreading rumors and lies about you? Are you feeling like everyone’s against you because of these lies? Is someone exaggerating the truth or just plain making up stories about you in order to make people think you’ve done something to hurt them, or that you deserve to be punished or ignored?

Are you dealing with a narcissist’s smear campaign?

Narcissists have a funny way of doing anything they can to maintain appearances to people who aren’t really very important in their lives, while at the same time, caring very little about how they’re perceived by the people closest to them. One way they show this is through the liberal use of smear campaigns used against loved ones as part of their relationship cycles. The worst part is that people often believe the lies the narcissist spreads and this can lead to the complete destruction of your life as you know it.

What is a smear campaign?

A smear campaign is a manipulation tactic in which the narcissist spreads rumors and lies about you in order to socially or otherwise isolate you, as well as to get additional narcissistic supply in the form of support or pity from those who are hearing their latest “sob story.”  Smear campaigns are most often used by the narcissist when you have discarded them (or they have discarded you).

In this video, you’ll find everything you need to know about smear campaigns.

How do narcissistic smear campaigns work?

Let’s begin with a few examples of the typical narcissistic smear campaign.

When you go no contact with a narcissistic parent or break up with a narcissistic friend or partner, you know that they will not take it well. And even if they are the one who leaves you, they will make you look like the bad one.

For instance, if you cut your narcissistic mother out of your life, then she will go around telling the extended family and others in the community what a terrible person you are. She might say that you had stolen from her (which you never have done), and did everything you could to cause damage (which you never did).

If you stop being friends with a narcissistic person, he or she will spread harmful rumors about you and easily ruin your reputation that way. The same goes for when you divorce a narcissistic partner. They will lie about you to the courts, and to others, and throw you under the bus at any opportunity possible. Of course you can always attempt to expose the narcissist’s smear campaign, as explained in this video.

When does a narcissistic smear campaign happen?

The narcissistic’s smear campaign seems to be most common when the narcissist feels you “betrayed” them in some way – when the narcissist feels and demonstrates “narcissistic injury,” which is explained in this video.

They will tell plenty of lies about you (which the narcissist actually might see as “truth,” as they can be quite delusional).

They will ruin you in order to protect their image, hide their insecurities, and they never hold themselves accountable for anything they do. Any victim of a narcissist will be a scapegoat.

Why do people fall for the narcissist’s smear campaign?

There is one basic reason that people will fall for a narcissist’s smear campaign. That is due to the fact that narcissists are extremely manipulative and convincing to the point that they are excellent liars. Narcissists know exactly how to make you look like the bad one and will get others to believe their lies about you.

Unfortunately, the narcissist’s smear campaign is aimed at ruining you, and their efforts are focused on exactly that. Remember, narcissists believe their own lies – as explained in this video.

For many, you will look like the bad one that the narcissist successfully portrayed you to be. Some people may always believe them. However, eventually, the narcissist’s true colors will shine right through. Some people will see that the narcissist is just that, a narcissist which will make them think twice about what they had said about you.

So, if you are planning to cut a narcissistic parent out of your life, or separate from a narcissistic partner or friend – be prepared. Know that they will create a smear campaign about you that can easily ruin your reputation. However, the decent people who may believe them at first will eventually see the truth once they see the narcissist’s true colors.

Who is Involved in the narcissist’s smear campaign?

You guessed it – narcissists don’t usually “go it alone” when it comes to smear campaigns. They have a special group of people who help them do their bidding. This can be a group of one or more – and we call them “flying monkeys.” Flying monkeys, for the record, are those people who willingly or otherwise do the narcissist’s bidding and support their agenda. They are essentially the enablers of the narcissist.

In this video, learn the truth about narcissists, flying monkeys and the smear campaign.

What can you do to stop the smear campaign?

Truthfully, there is very little you can do once the smear campaign has already started. But don’t waste your breath trying to defend yourself. If the narcissist gets to someone who you trust, give them one chance to hear your side of the story – and if they don’t understand and/or believe it, you might want to back off for a short time (or longer) until this whole thing blows over. But those who know and trust you should stick with you. Those who don’t might not have been your people in the first place. This video offers a “don’t get mad, get even” technique for how to deal with the narcissist’s smear campaign.

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Resources

Narcissistic Recycler (Why Narcissists Recycle Their Former Partners)

Narcissistic Recycler (Why Narcissists Recycle Their Former Partners)

Will the narcissist come back to you?

One of the most common questions people ask me early in their narcissistic abuse recovery is “Will the narcissist come back to me?” And sadly, I can often tell them yes, it’s highly likely. (See video here)

What is narcissistic recycling?

See, there are some narcissists who are infamous for their recycling habits – but not the good kind of recycling that helps save the earth. Instead of recycling garbage, these narcissists recycle people – specifically, people with whom they have relationships.

You might say that narcissists have their own personal harem dedicated to being dedicated sources of narcissistic supply.

In fact, when we are talking about a “narcissistic harem,” we are talking abt a group or “collection” of friends/admirers (AKA sources of narcissistic supply) that a narcissist gathers up to keep them topped up on their daily supply of love and admiration.

Since no single individual person could ever fill the void that is the hole inside a narcissist’s soul, they seek to fill it with whomever they can – and often these relationships are interchangeable.

How does “narcissistic recycling” work?

The narcissist has their group of “options” – AKA their little harem – and while there may be an occasional new addition or temporary member of the group, there are a few who remain in place for years or even decades.

As the narcissist cycles through the idealization, devalue, discard and hoover phase with one, they’re often in a different part of the cycle with another.

But in any case, the “re-idealization” part is often facilitated by the hoover maneuver.

You might think that it’s over – but very often, the narcissist has other ideas. in fact, more often than not, the narcissist will do something to suck you back into their drama – or even fully back into the relationship – using a technique called hoovering.

What is hoovering?

Hoovering, named after the famous vacuum cleaner company, is what we call it when the narcissist tries to “suck you back in” after you’ve left them or ended the relationship, or after they have discarded you. They may use some kind of personal problem or dramatic issue to pull you back in, or they may use love-bombing. Hoovering is always an attempt to obtain more narcissistic supply from you, and in many cases, it can be an attempt to reconcile the relationship. It can also just be a manipulation tactic used to get you to break no contact.

What are the signs of a hoovering narcissist?

The first thing you need to remember here is that there is no level to which a narcissist won’t stoop – nothing is off-limits for them. Here are a few ways narcissists might engage in hoovering you. (Details on each are included in this video)

  1. Finally saying that one thing you’ve been dying to hear.
  2. Future faking you.
  3. Getting you involved in their drama.
  4. Accidentally “butt-dialing” you or sending you a text “meant for someone else.”
  5. Swearing that they can’t live without you.
  6. Engaging flying monkeys to do their dirty work.
  7. Suddenly recognizing the error of their ways.
  8. Using fear and intimidation to bully you.

How can you deal with hoovering?

The next question on the mind of every narcissistic abuse survivor is usually, “How can I avoid the hoover?” Here are a few of the most important things you can do.

  1. Remember that knowledge is power.
  2. Use the gray rock method.
  3. If possible, eliminate their ability to contact you.
  4. Focus on YOU for once!
  5. Reconnect with old friends, and make new ones.

Question of the day – have you been recycled by a narcissist? Are you worried you might be? Click here to share your thoughts, share your ideas, share your experiences in the comments section below this video and let’s talk about it.

Are you struggling with narcissistic abuse? Get help now.

5 Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Tips for Expedited Healing

5 Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Tips for Expedited Healing

After enduring abuse from a narcissistic partner, you’ll have a long road to recovery. But having the courage to leave an unhealthy relationship with a narcissist (whether it was from a partner or a parent, or anyone else significant) is a big deal – you should pat yourself on the back! That was the hardest thing to do. Believe me, I know.

Still, recovery and healing are possible! Whether you choose a therapist or a coach (or even a free online support group), or you choose to go it alone, these tips will be really helpful for anyone dealing with narcissistic abuse recovery.

1. Block the Narcissist On Social Media

The best thing to do is to block the abuser on social media – this is part of the whole “no contact” thing. Yes, you don’t want them checking up on you and they still could with a fake account. However, you will be tempted to check on them and by doing so, you will only become hurt from the painful reminder of seeing what they are up to. This can easily disrupt your attempts to heal from the pain. This video offers more tips on how to go no contact with a narcissist and what to expect.

2. Educate Yourself About Narcissistic Behavior

The best thing to do when you are healing is to learn about narcissistic behavior. This way you will know that the abuse would have been directed to anyone else in that relationship, and not just you – you aren’t the problem, and you aren’t crazy. However, more than that, having a good understanding of the behavior will give you the power of knowledge and understanding. This video offers a glimpse into some of those narcissistic behaviors and how to deal with them.

3. Remove Those Who Support Your Abuser From Your Life

This is a hard one because it is hard to remove those who you thought were your friends. But they’ve become flying monkeys. The fact of the matter is that through times of difficulty, you will see the true colors of those in your life. And anyone who gives you a hard time for shutting your abuser out needs to go along with them. You need pure support, not those who don’t have your back. This video offers a brief overview of flying monkeys and how you can deal with them.

4. Don’t Ignore The Past

You might want to block the past out and want to start fresh. Yes, you will want to start fresh but not so fast! First, you need to spend time focusing on yourself and your self-care – but also reflecting on the past and letting your emotions flow (so you can release them).  And you need to examine how you got to where you are now from there. You will want to examine how you were able to find the courage to leave. Facing your past and examining it will help your healing process be so much more efficient and effective! So how do you know if you’re healing? Watch this video for a solid understanding of what healing looks like for survivors of narcissistic abuse.

5. Don’t Start New Relationships Right Away

If your ex was the one who is the narcissist who you had broken away from, the last thing you will want to do is start dating again immediately. You need time to heal and examine what you went through along with therapy and/or coaching. Dating again right away will only cause delays in recovery and you could end up sabotaging a relationship that has the potential to be a good one. You’ll intuitively know when the right time is to go back into the dating world. And when you’re ready, be sure you take the time to watch this video, which gives you a sharp overview of what to expect and how to know you’re ready to date again.

Remember that being abused by a narcissist is not your fault. Stay strong during the recovery. Here are some helpful free resources for you.

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