Can you imagine a family member you’ve known your entire life being so jealous that they would strip you of your clothes, shoes, and bags, simply because you’re enjoying them? It took me a while to realize that one of my cousins is a jealous, malicious, malignant narcissist.
This was eye-opening for me. I started by accepting that I was codependent. It took a lot of work for me to acknowledge that I was probably trained from childhood to be super nice, so the narcissists in my family can use me.
The first time I encountered my cousin’s disgusting habit of demanding things I had was back in 2000. We were both seated in the lobby of an upscale hotel. A friend of mine had asked me to wait for her there. On my feet was a pair of pricey espadrilles imported from Spain. My cousin said she wanted to wear them, and removed her feet from her flip flop sandals (she was very casually dressed). I thought she meant she wanted to try them on, but no, she wanted to keep them. My dress was a handmade tailored shift dress. It did not match flip flop sandals. As I was going to dinner with that same friend within the hour, I made her return my shoes.
My cousin is 5′ 4” a US size 16 with narrow hips and lots of cleavage. I am 5′ 11″ a US size 2/4, with wider hips and small chest. It isn’t possible for her to pull on one of my t-shirts over her head. My shoes are also a half size smaller than hers. However, demands like that happened all the time: clothes, shoes, bags, accessories.
Please note: My prescription sunglasses were saved not because she realized I’d be completely blind without them (sun-sensitive eyes) but because she would have to pay to have new lenses put in them.
Except for clothes, I gave her almost everything she asked for, thinking that I was being nice to my cousin who loved me. But the demands only got bigger. Once, she called me on the phone at 06:30 AM to ask me to pay her $6000 dentist’s bill – it was for a single visit – in an upscale Manhattan dentist. Her sense of entitlement was very strong. I refused to pay the whole bill, but when I gave her some of the money, I was acting as an enabler.
I didn’t realize her materialistic, demanding behavior was jealousy until after going to therapy and having someone explain to me how jealous sociopaths behave. The therapist said, “stop being nice.”
Even though her demands were over the top, I didn’t get fed up until 2012 over something relatively insignificant. My cousin demanded I give her a bottle of nail polish. I was staying at her home on vacation (at her earnest invitation – again, very demanding). It was a limited edition color, in deep blue-black. I bought it because it matched all of my outfits.
I am sure she didn’t notice I was wearing nail polish, but one afternoon, she was in my room and spotted the double, intertwined “C” logo on the cap of the bottle. She demanded that I give it to her. I immediately handed it to her and asked her to take me to a pharmacy where I could buy a fresh new bottle of deep blue-black nail polish.
A few days later, I noticed the bottle sitting on a shelf in her bathroom, in direct sunlight. I was very upset because the nail polish cost $24 at the time and she would be wasting money if she didn’t use it. I asked her why she demanded an expensive bottle of nail polish if she wasn’t planning to use it. She angrily responded that she “CAN’T WEAR NAIL POLISH” because she cooks every day. (Didn’t even think of painting her toenails). That’s how I knew the reason why she wanted the nail polish.
She saw the designer logo and decided that it was too good for me.
This is the narcissist’s ultimate goal. They are jealous of anyone who seems to be having a better time than they are. The covert narcissists will couch their demands in compliments so it’s very difficult to tell that they’re being malicious. If you’re codependent, you will be blind to the ways the narcissist is using you.
I’m so glad I finally learned that important lesson, thanks to the work of vloggers like Angie at Queen Being and the efforts of other qualified professionals. I am grateful for all of your help.
“For last year’s words belong to last year’s language And next year’s words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning. (Little Gidding)” ― T.S. Eliot
There are no victims here, only warriors of truth.
If I tried to explain the last five years of my life to someone who knew nothing of the abuse, who knew nothing of “narcissists,” it would be like trying to explain color to the blind. For this reason, I am sharing my story of narcissistic abuse and how I survived it.
Five years ago, I met a girl. I hadn’t necessarily been looking for love or even the One. I know now that that mentality of looking without, instead of within, to fill the void was perhaps the greatest weakness of my character. To believe in love at first sight, to believe in princess charming, to believe that one day I would be saved from my own inner loneliness…
How wrong was I, in this whole experience?
Experience, that I sorely needed; I have come out now with fresh new eyes, a new mind set, new knowledge of what people can truly be like. I once believed in monsters, the ones hiding under the bed, the ones lurking in the shadows of our closets, ready to pounce at us, to grab at our ankles.
It was the same for believing in love, I think. I grew out of being afraid of the monsters but still believed in Love, with a capital L.
How naive I was, how innocent. How trusting, how loving was I to trust the Devil with my heart. I look back on my life, realizing that I had always had a brush with narcissists, but this last one was the worst, staying in my life like a piranha on prey. Something about me, some inner vulnerability must have led her to me, like a shark to blood in the water.
She love bombed me, made me feel like the only person in her whole universe. Made me feel like we were soulmates; made and created for one another. She made me feel safe to share everything about me with her, my strengths and weaknesses. My hands are trembling, memories just below the surface, twisting and fighting, like a pit of hungry snakes, writing and slithering.
I try not to dwell on what was, but what will be. I do not see myself as a victim. I am a survivor. The day I realized that all those years she was simply abusing me, using me; with a fake smile on her lips, reveling in the misery I felt, her nails painted red with my blood as she had clawed at me, like a hysterical animal snared in a bear trap; I knew what madness had claimed her.
She was not like me.
She would never be like me.
These creatures, these human “beings,” lack everything necessary to grow, to become whole themselves. For this reason, they seek us out, hoping to capitalize on our own securities and vulnerability, brainwashing us, taking us for a ride. They mirror all of who we are back onto us. The saddest part of all this is that despite having all of our wondrous qualities and strengths mirrored at us, we think we can never be without them. This is all an illusion. A perfect performance worthy of an Emmy.
The truth lies in understanding that we fell in love with ourselves. That we fell for an illusion of who we thought they were. Nothing about her was real. It was like falling in love with a dream, one that felt so real; a lie we wanted to believe so strongly, out of fear, out of desperation.
She was my everything and I hers.
But soon, after the months and years of struggling for money, and her tearing into me like a hungry shark, that illusion was being challenged, every day. Why was she always criticizing me, why was she always talking about herself as a victim, why were things always going wrong, why did I feel so nervous and unsure in her presence? Why was I always doubting myself? Why was my health, slowly but surely, getting worse?
I spent years fighting to get her to admit to her faults, to take responsibility for her words and actions. I tore myself in two trying to get her to love me as I loved her. I burned the candle at both ends to prove to her that I was worthy of her love, her trust, of her time. I spent so much of myself trying to get my ex-narcissist to love me.
And in all this madness, I felt like I deserved it. Some sort of karmic retribution? But for what? Even God himself was not that spiteful, and yet, I allowed this daily ritual of chastising to happen to me, to allow my whole soul, mind, and heart to be assaulted by her own damaged thinking, and her own twisted version of what love was.
I felt I deserved it, even as she brought an ex-lover into the picture. I allowed it, out of love, trust, and to prove I wasn’t insecure or jealous. I should have left so many times before that day. But I think the worst emotion to have when it comes to these kinds of people, is to have hope. Hope that they can change, that they will change, that if you work at it things will get better.
They use hope to keep us captive; we basically put our own selves in chains and give them the key.
I had no boundaries. No self-respect for my own self. The worse thing I thought while with her was, “If she loved me, she wouldn’t do this.” “If I trust her, she’ll respect me enough not to do this.” “If I do this for her, she’ll need me.”
All these thoughts I’ve had, all created to keep me trapped and in a relationship that was eating away at my soul. I became a ghost of my old self. I was ashamed to show my face to my mother, to my father, to my siblings. I was ashamed at my own weakness, at how love had made me a victim. I was also stubborn; I never asked for help. I just rolled with the punches, every single one aimed at my soul.
This whole time, there was a spark in me, that would rise up for a week, every month, coming out of hiding, crying and screaming at me that I wasn’t happy, that I deserved better, that this was not love. That I had to end things, I had to move on, I did not deserve this…
THIS ISN’T LOVE.
It was like having Tinkerbell, arising out of the shadows, shedding light and reason into my world.
The day it all ended was when I said NO!
No to giving her money, to disregarding my feelings, to being abused, used, and discarded. NO! to having my own kindness turned into a weapon against me. NO! to having my boundaries constantly tested. NO! to being treated like an object.
It was over. I had reached my limit.
On the drive home, my face red from a numbing slap unmistakable with the scratches on my face, neck, and arms, I cried. I hadn’t even touched her. Nothing in my behavior had warranted that attack on my person. I was numb. There was only numbness for how I felt but there was also acceptance.
There was Tinkerbell’s voice, chiming in my head telling me, “I told you this did not love.”
As I drove home, I cried, talking to myself out loud.
“This is not love. This isn’t love. This is not love!”
The last came out in a scream as I gripped the steering wheel, blinking away tears to clear my blurred vision. I was done, so done with all the pain, the madness. I exhausted. I was tired of trying to save someone who didn’t even have a soul, tired of throwing myself down the rabbit hole. She could stay there, in her own version of Hell. She didn’t need me there when all I was was something to keep her afloat in her own madness, while drowning me at the same time.
I was done with it all.
And when I left, she didn’t fight for me. She already had her next supply. A girl that I had hated, a girl that mirrored my own kindness. A girl that was also in love with the idea of love itself. Another person who wanted to save an already lost soul, and who was just as naive and innocent as I had been, despite being present in more than half of all the drama.
There was anger and hate, but I realized that wasting that kind of energy on those emotions is like drinking poison, waiting for the other person to die. I take it one day at a time, being grateful for the experience, for the pain I had endured. It was something I needed to learn, pain that I needed to feel, madness that I needed to touch, and have it envelop my whole world to know that I did not want this in my life any longer.
So, I say this; your kindness to the world, your naivety, your innocence is not a weakness. It is only such viewed in the eyes of those who have none. Be as pure of heart as you can possibly be in this world. Not all who love, can hurt us as much as their kind can. Be pure, be honest, if a little bit cautious. You aren’t blind to the truth of the monsters. You know they exist, and they walk among us.
Be strong, be brave, my survivors.
Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today
I have learned much about the female gender through experience and academically (books). I still marvel at how ignorant I am of the trials and tribulations you go through in this world. Without sounding creepy, much of what I learned about love was from my mother and grandmother.
I was blessed with good relationships.
Both mom and I had been abused at different times physically, but mainly emotionally by my dad. EMDR therapy in 2014 helped me immensely to deal with my wounded inner child. I’m not comfortable at this juncture going into much detail regarding that.
I now understand what a narcissist really is.
My first marriage (27 years) was to a narcissist, as I now understand what a narcissist really is. Tools like eHarmony, counseling, and personality tests gave me the confidence to believe that I had finally found the love of my life. I ignored what I now understand to be the red flags of a personality disorder being broadcast by my then-fiancée and soon-to-be wife.
I could drone on and on but I won’t, based on the following universal truth: the more you poke at an old turd, the more it stinks.
Physical and emotional intimacy should go hand-in-hand.
For me, emotional and physical intimacy go hand in hand. It took me a long time to learn that but I did. Like I’ve mentioned before, as a male, we are wired differently.
I believe you can love people who have varying degrees of flaws. You must decide what flaws (benign) are character-driven and what flaws are common to the human experience.
I will say I don’t consider personality disorders as a flaw (benign). A personality disorder, to me, is the equivalent of a donor getting rid of malignant cells by transplanting them into your body/mind over time. There is no happy ending for the recipient.
The Power of Touch in Relationships
I’m not much of a poet. It is how I journal sometimes. I leave you with this.
Touch is a truly wonderful gift one gives another. You first learn of its significance from your mother. As I entered into adolescence, I viewed touch in a totally different way. I thought more of touch as just a roll in the hay.
Love gives birth to what touch should be.
It’s when the two become one, don’t you see.
What happened next, I’ll never understand.
The gift of touch was slowly being banned.
Seeking touch from others in different ways, a massage, a haircut and a wash, didn’t fill a growing void. Touch as a gift from my love was slowly being destroyed. I thought that perhaps I could earn more touch if I would try all the harder. Yet in the end, she had no more ardor.
As I recall, there was a sick experiment done long ago. Some babies got touch, while the others were told no. The infants who were touched seemed to thrive. Babies denied touch all but died.
Woman or man, it does not matter. Denying another touch causes a soul to shatter.
Any one can learn to touch another if you so choose. Ask yourself, ‘How could being affectionate ever cause one to lose? ‘
For now and in the future, I will cherish any touch I receive. Even if it comes from my stylist, though that may be hard to believe. When someone washes your hair with such finesse, it is hard to not feel so blessed. Reclining, warm water flowing over my head, her hands moving through my hair gives my touch deprived soul rest.
Being who I am, I am willing give the gift of touch. The question still remains, ‘Am I asking too much? ‘ One more line and then I’m through.
What does being touched do for you?
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Resources
The QueenBeeing SPANily, Official – We consider this to be the best narcissistic abuse recovery support group on the web. Offers several subgroups and features a vigilant, compassionate admin team full of trained coaches and survivors, supporting more than 12k members. SPAN is an acronym created by Angie Atkinson that stands for Support for People Affected by Narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships.
Other Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups– We also have separate groups for each stage in your narcissistic abuse recovery, as well as some for those who have moved past recovery and are evolving into the next stage of their own life. Survivors have unique and individual needs, even when they’ve moved on – so we’re still here for you.
One-on-One Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching – If you prefer to get more personalized support in your recovery, you might like to schedule a session with one of our coaches to plan and execute your own narcissistic abuse recovery plan.
Find a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapist – If you’re looking for a therapist for narcissistic abuse recovery, either because you cannot afford coaching and want to use your health insurance or because you have additional issues you need to address that do not fall within the realm of coaching, you will want to find the right therapist for you – and as far as we’re concerned, that therapist must understand what you’ve been through. This page offers assistance to help you do exactly that.
Last week I asked you all to offer up your best weight-loss tips.
And boy, did you deliver.
I’ve compiled some of your best tips into a list of ideas, below, for those looking to lose weight (and that’s probably most of us).
It’s not a step-by-step guide, and there are contradictory tips — but there are some great ones here, so pick and choose those that will work best for you and give them a try.
Note: I couldn’t include all of them, or it would have taken me 3 days to do this.
I just picked some of the best, and combined many of them.
Some tips may be slightly redundant, but I like them, so I included them.
General weight loss tips
Remember to keep your goals in sight to motivate yourself.
5 Word Diet Plan – and the only one that works: Eat Less and Move More!
Doing the Zen Habits 30-day challenge to make something a habit really helps make exercise a no-brainer. The first step is getting yourself to do it, after that, the gains are much easier to make.
To be successful you need to change your life. You need to take control of the bad habits you have turned into an unhealthy life. You need to be excited about it too. And you have to believe that you can do it. Dreams turn into reality very quickly when you work hard.
Don’t try to lose weight. The number one indicator of excessive weight gain in the future is attempting to lose weight in the past. Don’t diet, it won’t last. Instead get up and go get more exercise.
Ultimately weight loss is about the balance between calories taken in and calories burned. Take the weight you want to be and the activity level that you maintain and calculate the number of calories that you should eat to maintain that weight. Now you have to eat fewer calories than this number, on average, over time to lose weight and achieve your target. Keep a food diary with full daily calorie calculations. Write down everything.
Never, never, never eat between the 3 main meals. Then eat what you want when it is time to eat.
Avoid processed food, or at least food where you can’t pronounce the ingredients. Keep it as natural as possible.
Stop watching the scale every day. If you weigh yourself, do it just once a week — as soon as you wake up, after you use the bathroom.
No matter how much you want a change in your life, nothing will happen until you DO something. You can talk about starting an exercise regiment and eating healthier foods all you want, but nothing will change until you START DOING IT.
Change your schedule, if possible. If you exercise in the afternoon but overeat while while watching TV at night, try exercising at night. Go to work earlier, come home later, schedule your walks during times you know you’re vulnerable to snacking. Switch things up to help break bad habits.
For people who want to lose 100+ pounds, dealing with the underlying issues of self medicating depression or anxiety is going to be a lot more effective then anything else. Feeling bad about being fat and trying to lose weight, or putting yourself in exercise situations you dont feel comfortable in are not going to really help until the underlying issues of using food to treat boredom or anxiety or depression. After treating this underlying problem, the good habits will come without nearly so much struggle.
Start small. Changing your lifestyle overnight is very bad for your body and your mind. You’ll get sick of eating oatmeal 3 times a day, or grapefruit. Your life should be enjoyable and healthy!
Tell people around you what you’re doing. This will keep you motivated to continue. Don’t ask for their support, but say “I’m on this new thing where I’m going to kick my butt at the gym/road/bike today and” whatever.
Be aware of self-deception. It can sneak up on you from any angle. Examples of food deceptions: Breaded/fried chicken breast does not constitute an optimally healthy protein source, compared to simple grilled chicken breast. Potatoes do not constitute a viable vegetable source (they are a carbohydrate source).
Derive your self worth from something other than a number on a scale and instead gift yourself a body that will function well to serve your noble life’s goals.
Never give up, even after you have failed a few times. When you fail, start over. Watch those TV programs like “The Biggest Loser” or “Celebrity Fit Club”, because they are great motivators.
Rewards! New clothes make awesome rewards for weight loss. Going out with friends (but not for anything food related) is a great reward.
Weigh yourself but also take your measurements. Sometimes your scale won’t budge but your waistline will.
Get enough sleep – that’s the first and most important step. Without sleep, it’s harder to plan your meals, to exercise, or to consciously eat healthy.
Tell others your goals. Not only will you then have someone else also expecting you to perform but you’ll gain a cheering section!
Focus on one thing at a time. Everything we do is based on habits. If you’ve got to both get into the habit of eating great AND exercising daily, you run a big risk of getting overwhelmed when you’re not seeing results or you slip a little.
Find motivation other than within yourself. Workout FOR somebody else that you care about (your kids, loved ones, friends etc.). When you don’t feel like working out, remember that you’re doing it for them.
Focus on health and NOT weight loss. It is far more important that you live a happy, healthy life than look good naked. You’ll thank yourself when you are 80 and still lead an active life.
Healthy eating tips
Water water water. It kick-starts your metabolism. Stop drinking soda.
Make one change at a time. Don’t cut everything out at once. For example, cut out fried foods. When you’re used to that, cut out soda, etc.
Lay off the junk food, except for one day a week where you can eat what you like – it’ll help you stick to it and you won’t have the temptation to eat junk all the time.
Eat according to the Glycemic Index, sticking with low and medium index foods.
Be mindful of what you are eating. Keep a food journal or diary. Seeing it in writing always gives it weight and helps reveal patterns or triggers.
Stop the evening eating. You don’t want to eat and then go to sleep. All those calories just sit there unused while you sleep.
Eat mostly raw fruits, veggies and nuts.
Brush your teeth early in the evening rather than just before bed. It keeps you from snacking if you’re not really hungry.
Cut wheat-flour based products out of your diet. Wheat is surprisingly easy to replace when you start thinking about it – rice, oats (still some gluten there, but a lot less), more vegetables.
Portion control used with a 20 minute wait time — wait 20 minutes after eating the sensible portions, and then see if you still feel hungry. Nine times out of ten, you won’t. If you do, get a little more.
Cut out sugar.
No fast food. Period.
Commit to one diet — and stick to it for life. Start by making a list of low-calorie foods that you love, that you find satisfying; and when you’re hungry make sure you eat lots of those foods.
If you’re a parent, don’t absorb “invisible” calories by eating your kids’ food.
Snack between meals – starving yourself for 6 or 7 hours at a time between lunch and dinner means you will overeat at dinner.
Eat slow and you will only eat as much as you need to be full.
Whenever you eat, think about how much food you would waste by overeating. Your body doesn’t *need* all the food that’s on your plate, why waste it? You could eat the leftovers for lunch the next day and save yourself some money, or you could split it with your loved one and have company while you eat. You could give it to the homeless guy down the block who REALLY needs it. Any reason you find not to waste that food is a good one.
Everything in moderation. If you really want French fries and a hamburger, or ice cream, or a cookie it’s OK to indulge a little occasionally. Key word is occasionally. Better to indulge a little, than to binge later.
Learn to cook, from scratch. That way, you control what you are eating.
Don’t buy into the idea of “diet” foods. It’s better to eat the original food that has been less processed and only eat less.
Observe your hunger patterns. Choose a bedtime that’s early enough to keep you from after-dinner snacking. Stick to that bed-time. If you must snack before bed, have a something small and healthful. Maybe a tiny portion of whole grain cereal with milk.
Eat lots of fiber, it’s surprisingly filling compared to that cupcake.
Eat as soon after you get up as possible. This gets your metabolism working at a higher rate sooner in the day.
Cut out alcohol or reduce your intake to one or two glasses a week.
If you are hungry between meals, try eating a small portion of food that is high in protein. It can be more effective to eat one piece of cheese or some yoghurt or nuts than to eat bread or crackers or other snack foods.
Go to bed early and get up early. If you stay up late, you will overeat, guaranteed. It doesn’t matter if you are a night person; change into a morning person. When you go to bed early, you don’t think about food all night.
Instead of counting calories, concentrate on reducing your fat intake. Fat that you eat converts more readily into body fat than does protein or carbohydrate.
Try to enjoy your food, eat it slowly and consciously.
Only diet on weekdays. Don’t binge on weekends, but save two days a week to eat the yummy things. Also, because many people really can’t break that chocolate addiction, calculate one treat every day into your calories.
Positive change is easier than negative change. Instead of thinking of foods that are “bad” and that you feel like you need to cut out, think about all the new recipes and foods you will get to try if you start experimenting with more vegetables, more beans, more spices, etc.
Don’t count calories after you each them, count before.
Create a routine for what you eat – for a month, do not think of food as something to be enjoyed, think of it as fuel.
Take one of the three meals a day, and make it healthier (veggies, fruits, whole grains, etc.). Combine this with drinking ONLY water when at work, and it’s quite the effective method to lose a few pounds.
Eat a varied diet. Only, half your usual portions.
Eat nothing that you have not bought yourself, cooked yourself, and cleaned up after. This way laziness works in your favor. If you don’t feel like going to the store, or if you have stuff but don’t feel like cooking it or cleaning up afterwards, you are less likely to eat.
If you’re a stress eater, try sunflower or pumpkin seeds. Lots of chewing, not many calories. Just don’t spit the seeds on the floor.
Reduce the intake of three white things – white flour (all purpose flour), salt and sugar. Get rid of white flour completely if possible.
Go backpacking. Carrying a heavy pack and walking around a lot will help you shed a lot of pounds.
Exercise 3 times per week.
Exercise: any kind any time. Sure there are better times and better exercises for fat burning, but they all beat sitting on the couch.
Cardiovascular training in the morning before you eat breakfast. This forces your body to utilize stored body fat for energy rather than carbohydrates, since you are in a carb-depleted state after having not eaten for 8-10 hours.
Regular aerobic exercise helps, for a period of at least 40 minutes.
If you can’t run, start slow by walking for 9 minutes and jog for 1 minute. Do that a couple of times and then slowly exchange the minutes walking for minutes running.
Buy a pedometer and try to get 10,000 steps per day in. That’s about 5 miles +/- depending on your stride length.
Walk everywhere (carrying a baby while you walk also helps a lot).
Swim, swim, swim.
Find fun exercise. Join a softball team, commute to work on a bike, whatever. Your strategy should be time-sensitive – only make choices you can see yourself committing to for years, be it gym, dieting, whatever – temporary won’t work.
If you are resistant to exercising, consider volunteer labor. Walk dogs at the animal shelter. (Find a shelter at Petfiinder.com. Do beach or riverside clean-ups with a local environmental group. Volunteer on building and repair projects.)
Replace your least favorite TV show with mild calisthenics for 30 or so minutes.
Get an active dog! They will force you to get outside every day, and they make the best exercise companions.
Make friends (if you haven’t already) with very physically active people. If you have very active friends, you will be exercising without even noticing it because you will be having fun with friends.
Do squats while brushing the back sides of your teeth and calf rises while brushing the fronts. Then you get in at lease some exercise and also brush long enough.)
Take the stairs. Walk or bike ride that short distance instead of driving.
Use those multi-colored stars on the calendar for each day you’ve achieved your goal — exercise, diet, whatever it is. Gives you something, small as it may be, to look forward to.
Start walking outside to get fresh air, which translates into better mood. If rains, use treadmill. But walk fast, no sissy stuff.
It’s the million dollar question on everyone’s mind–what do you really want in life?
Some people never figure out the answer to that one – and that’s a shame.
So many people spend the best years of their lives watching television or doing things they dislike. An author described humanity by saying, “Most people die at twenty and are buried at eighty.” Are you one of the living zombies?
What do you really want in life?
Some people struggle in answering such question. When asked what they want or what their goals in life are, many are unsure. They dillydally in their decision, hardly giving any thought about what they want in life. People without definite goals are letting time pass them by. Are you one of these people?
If you are undecided about what you want out of life, do not worry. There are many ways of discovering your purpose in life.
To discover what you want in life, try looking deep into your heart.
Oftentimes, people are ruled by logic. People live by what they think they should be or by what others like them to be. The discovery process is the perfect time to listen to your heart. What your heart desires comes from the whispers of your authentic self. Your authentic self is the real you.
Listen to your heart to be able to listen to your authentic self. What your heart says usually feels right. What your heart desires is what you usually love to do and this represents your passion. Anything done with passion is like play where the task is accomplished without hesitation. You pour out your very best and feel no pressure or resistance.
You will totally enjoy doing things that are your passion. Setbacks, difficulties, and obstacles will make it more challenging, but should not deter you from pursuing your goals. Naturally, there may be barriers that may prevent you from reaching your goal, but your heart’s desire will find ways to overcome these barriers so that you may ultimately get what you want in life. Remember this: the universe supports people who are pursuing their passion and those who are pursuing their destiny.
However, this does not mean that you don’t use your head. People are born with both the mind and heart. Your duty is to live your best life and be in harmony with your mind and heart. The poet Rumi wisely said, “Live completely in the head and you cannot feel the breath and rhythm of life. Live completely in the heart and you may find yourself acting like a love-struck fool with poor judgment and discipline. It’s all a fine balance – the head and heart must forge a lifetime partnership if one wants to live a beautiful life.”
Listen to your instinct. Part of human nature is the mysterious and spontaneous reaction on things. Often times, these are called instincts. Your authentic self communicates with you and guides you via instincts. Instincts are those gentle nudges that urge you to act and follow a certain path. Your role then is to listen attentively.
Often times, we listen to what others say and allow them to run our lives. Parents often do this to their children. “We come from a family of doctors, so my son must also be a doctor.” How often do we hear this from parents who have good intentions for their children? Parents unconsciously block the true expression of their child’s real self and calling. Friends and critics will discourage you and point out the impossibility of your dream. Before heeding their advice, evaluate the accomplishments of the critics. Did they achieve theirs dreams? Do they dream big at all?
Remember, it is your destiny that is in line, not theirs. It doesn’t mean, though, that you will not listen to what other people say. Hear them out just the same. But the final decision should be yours.
There is only thing to remember: Every person, to live truly and greatly, must define how he wants to live and what his brightest life will look like. Listen to your instincts and follow your heart’s desire. You will never go wrong.