How and Why Narcissists Hoover

How and Why Narcissists Hoover

Have you been Hoovered?

What is a Hoover and why do the narcissists do this? Will they ever stop and what can you do about it to keep yourself away from the narcissist and heal trauma bonds? The Hoover is basically the narcissists attempt to suck you back in, to make you believe they have changed or to simply provoke you in order to gain supply. The majority of narcissistic abuse survivors have experienced a Hoover in some form or another. Some attempts at sucking you back in may be subtle and covert while others may be negative attempts to get your attention focused back onto the narcissist. Some narcissists claim they have changed and tell you they will make things better or even seek therapy for their issues. Understanding the truth about narcissism can help you make decisions based on knowledge rather than the illusions the narcissist is trying to create to entice you back.  The narcissist does not like to let go of what they feel is theirs, mainly the supply they take from you. In the following video I talk about types of Hoovers, what the Hoovers may really mean and ways to protect yourself.

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery by QueenBeeing.com offers free video coaching each week on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays along with videos and help on recovery from toxic relationships. Featuring certified life coach Lise Colucci and supported by QueenBeeing founder and certified life coach Angie Atkinson.

Lise Colucci is a certified life coach, as well as a certified narcissistic abuse recovery coach. She is a long-time admin and mentor for the SPAN Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Group, actively helping survivors of narcissistic abuse in the expansive community to learn and heal.  Lise is passionate about providing coaching services that help her clients feel heard and validated as she guides them along their healing journey. For information on coaching, group coaching or to contact Lise check out the links below.

Join our private coaching group https://lifemakeoveracademy.teachable…

Get one-on-one coaching with Lise Colucci at https://queenbeeing.com/lise-colucci-…

Get notified free for free video coaching sessions by texting LISELIVE to 33222. Find Lise on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/lise.colucci… Email Lise at Coachlisec@gmail.com

Healing from Emotional Abuse

Healing from Emotional Abuse

“It is not the bruises on the body that hurt. It is the wounds of the heart and the scars on the mind.” ~Aisha Mirza

Emotional abuse, which may also be referred to as psychological abuse, is a pervasive and painful form of abuse that is often overlooked by even the victim. As difficult as it can be to detect, it can affect literally every part of a person’s life and can lead to other psychological and physical health issues.

While you might not see physical scars on a victim of emotional abuse, there are lifelong psychological scars that never go away. However, you can heal from emotional abuse if you do so intentionally, and there are a number of ways you can get help if you’re dealing with emotional abuse.

“There are far too many silent sufferers. Not because they don’t yearn to reach out, but because they’ve tried and found no one who cares.” ~Richelle E. Goodrich

What is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse is a form of abuse in which a toxic person subjects or exposes you to repeated behavior that often results in long-term psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or C-PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder).

Emotional abuse is underestimated by most people, even sometimes its victims. However, it can cause mental and physical health issues that last a lifetime. Emotional abuse is used to control victims and can be inflicted in a variety of ways. Due to its pervasive nature, emotional abuse can be difficult to detect. The abuser’s goal is to slowly wear down the victim’s self-esteem in order to cause the victim to depend on them. This causes the victim to be vulnerable to being abused and controlled. It leads to the victim feeling like they’ll have nothing without the abuser, or they may simply feel trapped and unable to get away from the abuser.

This leads the abuser to develop a sort of power over the victim that leads to the victim developing a sort of “learned helplessness.” This might mean the victim is afraid to make some (or all) decisions without checking in with the abuser, or it could mean that they feel unable to do certain things themselves due to restrictions imposed on them by the abuser. For example, a victim might not go to the grocery store without getting a list or a budget from the abuser first, even if they run out of something important, for fear that the abuser will verbally attack them for doing so.

What are the signs of emotional abuse?

You might need support for healing from emotional abuse if you can identify with some or all of the following signs of emotional abuse. 

  • They accuse you of being jealous all the time.
  • They accuse you of cheating
  • They are possessive of your time and get angry when you’re not available at the exact moment they want you.
  • They cheat on you and then say it’s your fault they did it.
  • They control you with sex, by either withholding/denying or coercing you into doing things you aren’t really comfortable doing, and/or by forcing or pressuring you to have sex when you don’t want to
  • They control your social life, who your friends are and who you spend tie with and/or what you do
  • They cut you down by saying things like you’re worthless or that you can never do anything right
  • They destroy your stuff
  • They do things and say things that make you cry or feel extreme anxiety
  • They give you the silent treatment
  • They have a certain look that scares you
  • They insult you and/or call you names
  • They isolate you and keep you from spending time with friends and/or other family members
  • They make you feel like you’re not allowed to leave your home alone, or at all.
  • They may threaten you with weapons.
  • They may verbally threaten to hurt you or your kids.
  • They might be jealous of your friendships or even relationships with your kids or other family members.
  • They might break stuff when they’re angry at you without regard for who it belongs to (and sometimes, it’s your stuff).
  • They might make all of your decisions for you and/or make you feel incapable of making a decision on your own
  • They might prevent you from going to work or school
  • They might try to make you drink alcohol or do drugs when you don’t want to.
  • They minimize any accomplishments you have, or they take credit for them
  • They monitor your location and need to know where you are every minute of every day.
  • They say you’re a bad parent and/or threaten to take your kids away from you if you don’t do what they want or behave how they require you to behave.
  • They seem to intentionally do things to incite jealousy in you.
  • They tear you down emotionally and seem to want you to feel bad about yourself
  • They tell you that you’re lucky to have them and that you’ll be alone and/or that no one else will ever love you if they leave you. And then threaten to do exactly that – directly or indirectly.
  • They tell you what to wear or how to look, or attempt to control your appearance in some way
  • They threaten (or actually) hurt your pets
  • They threaten you with violence, either directly or by implying it
  • They use gaslighting to manipulate you and control you
  • They will humiliate you in some way (publicly or otherwise)
  • They will take your money and/or refuse to give you money for things you need, like groceries and personal care items. They are controlling all of the household money.
  • They withhold affection and/or give you the silent treatment as punishment for breaking (often unspoken) rules.

How do you get help with healing from emotional abuse?

What are the steps you need to take to heal from emotional abuse?

The stages of healing from emotional abuse are as simple as they are overwhelming. You need to understand how to identify toxic people, and what abuse looks like. Plus, you need to work on building your self-confidence and release your codependence on the abuser. There are three primary stages in recovery. And don’t forget self-care.

How do you help someone you love who is being emotionally abused?

What if it isn’t YOU? Are you worried that someone you care about might be dealing with physical or emotional abuse at home? What can you do to help them, and how do you know for sure if they’re being abused? Read More: How do you help someone in an abusive relationship? 

More Resources for Victims of Emotional Abuse

Visit the QueenBeeing Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Resources & Support Page

If you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, you might want to read one of these books.

Cognitive Dissonance and Abuse Amnesia

Cognitive Dissonance and Abuse Amnesia

Are they really a narcissist? What if I was wrong? It wasn’t so bad, was it? Are you asking yourself these questions or feeling like your love will be enough to make things ok/heal the toxic person? You may be experiencing cognitive dissonance and abuse amnesia. Check it out and let me know what you think.

Lise Colucci is one of the narcissistic abuse recovery life coaches at QueenBeeing.com. For info or to schedule a coaching appointment with Lise go to https://queenbeeing.com/lise-colucci-c

Join The QueenBeeing SPANily (Support for People Affected by Narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships) – AKA “The SPANily” – at https://queenbeeing.com/span.

Trauma Bonds and Ways to Heal

Trauma Bonds and Ways to Heal

Being trauma bonded to an abuser is being tied to something you know harms you yet still feeling unable to get away. The emotional ties alone are confusing and challenging. Have you experienced this or wonder what a trauma bond is? Here are a few ways to help you break those bonds too . What are your thoughts or experiences?

Lise Colucci is one of the narcissistic abuse recovery life coaches at QueenBeeing.com.  For info  or to schedule a coaching appointment with Lise go to https://queenbeeing.com/lise-colucci-c

Join The QueenBeeing SPANily (Support for People Affected by Narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships) – AKA “The SPANily” – at https://queenbeeing.com/span.

A Woman Redefined: How Rupa is Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse

A Woman Redefined: How Rupa is Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse


Letting Go: Healing From a Toxic Relationship with a Narcissist (Powerful, Unconventional Advice That Actually Works for Overcoming Codependency!) – Meet Rupa Kapoor, a real-live woman redefined and a survivor of a toxic marriage with a narcissist. Hear her story on how she made it through the hard times in her toxic relationship and how she learned how to show up and shine when she made it out. Plus: how she’s thriving today. This inspirational story is one you won’t want to miss – and one that’s packed with powerful, but unconventional advice that will actually work to help you in letting go and succeeding in your own emotional healing.

Here’s The Truth About Recovering from Toxic Relationships

See Rupa’s website

Survive the Holidays: With or Without the Narcissist

Survive the Holidays: With or Without the Narcissist

A Special Playlist to Help You Survive the Holidays With or Without Narcissists: YES YOU CAN! It’s always hard to deal with a narcissist, whether you’re still in the toxic relationship or you’ve recently left it. But due to the narc’s behaviors and patterns, there are times when we find ourselves feeling weak, almost powerless to resist their charms – even when we KNOW BETTER. Here’s help.

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