There’s a reason I’m not a stand-up comedian. Still, sometimes laughter can be the best medicine. In that spirit, here are the cheesiest jokes I could come up with about narcissists.
Why did the narcissist cross the road? She thought it was a boundary.
Quick narcissism test. Step 1. Take a minute to think about yourself. Step 2. Still here? Then you’re probably safe. Making it to step two means you can stop thinking about yourself.
Why doesn’t a narcissist ever attack a vampire? Professional courtesy of course.
Narcissists can be great birth control…just spend a few hours with one while they’re dealing with a narcissistic injury – it’s just like being with a toddler.
Never give a narcissist a straw. He will just use it to suck the life out of someone.
Some people leave footprints on your heart. Narcissists make you wanna leave footprints on their faces.
A narcissist walks into a bar and finds that he can’t stop staring at the gorgeous man across the room. He is fascinated with this guy and he can’t figure out why. Finally he sneaks over to the bartender and tells him to get the guy a drink on him. The bartender looks confused for a minute. “Which one?” The narcissist points at the amazing looking guy and the bartender looks pained. “Sir,” he says, holding back laughter. “That’s a mirror.”
A narcissist walks into a bar. And it’s all the bar’s fault for hanging too low.
A narcissist walks into a bar. She is quickly approached by a decent looking guy, who asks if she’s seeing anyone. “Mostly myself, in the mirror,” she says.
Did you hear the one about the narcissist who got in a tragic accident and lost his left arm and left leg? He’s never been happier, because he’s finally all right.
How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one – because the whole world revolves around her.
So I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. I really hated it at first. But by the end, I sorta liked it.
My narcissist and I got divorced because of religious differences. He thought he was God, and I disagreed.
What do you call a narcissist who is buried in the ground up to his neck? A good start.
I just figured out how narcissists sleep so well. First, they lie on one side. Then they lie on the other.
How do you know when a narcissist is lying? His lips are moving.
Why is it so expensive to divorce a narcissist? Cuz baby it’s worth it.
What should you do if someone steals your narcissistic partner? Throw a party in his/her honor.
Marrying a narcissist is like a 3 ring circus. First there’s the engagement ring. Then there’s the wedding ring. And then the suffering.
Come on, I know you can do better! Share your favorite narcissist jokes with me!
Last month, Congress repealed the country-of-origin-labeling rule (COOL) on beef and pork after the World Trade Organization (WTO) insisted it was done, imposing 1 billion in tariffs against the US if it didn’t comply.
COOL used to mandate labels on packaging to indicate the country (or countries) where the meat animal was born, raised and slaughtered. On the plus side, though beef and pork will no longer have to comply with COOL rules, chicken and lamb must still be labeled.
Unfortunately, the US attempted to fight the change, but failed.
“Effective immediately, USDA is not enforcing the COOL requirements for muscle cut and ground beef and pork,” Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack said in a statement, adding that consumers should still feel safe knowing that “all imported and domestic meat will continue to be subject to rigorous inspections by USDA to ensure food safety.”
How does this affect our food?
Now that we will not know the country of origin of the meats, I decided to check out some local farms where I live in New Jersey to find out exactly what this means for our collective health.
Well, turns out that it means we are not going to know if the meat or chickens we buy in our grocery stores come from China, Europe or India.
But what about health standards? And what does this mean as far as organic food?
Our standards here in the United States can be much different then the standard in China.
This is a very scary thought for me as we don’t know what they are doing and how they are raising their animals.
Personally, I just felt that it would be much safer coming from the US.
But maybe not.
It turns out that I might have been wrong. You see, after I decided to start investigating local farms, some shocking truths were revealed.
Even though I do not eat meat, I really wanted to help my clients make better choices and start some relationships with the local farms. Well, I was in for a really big surprise! You won’t believe what I found.
This Shocking Secret Was Revealed When I Visited the Poultry Farms
Every poultry farm I visited, it turns out, is using GMO grains of corn and soy – and they are charging 3 times the price of even Organic-Certified chickens and turkeys from Whole Foods.
Dealing with the symptoms that you’re experiencing, once you’ve admitted to yourself that you have become a source of narcissistic supply, is one of the first ways you can begin to heal.
Some people find that standard anxiety management techniques aren’t enough and they need a little help from anti-anxiety drugs prescribed by their doctors (or not). Others would take that option, but can’t afford it – and still others prefer to go drug-free when it comes to managing their anxiety, even if the standard management techniques aren’t doing the trick.
Okay, so we know that gaslighting causes anxiety, among other things. But taking medication isn’t for everyone and if you’re the type of person who doesn’t like to take medication, you should be aware that there are herbal remedies for anxiety.
No one is immune to the mental and physical trouble that anxiety can bring on, of course, but none of us should have to put up with living that way. The longer the anxiety goes on without relief, the worse the physical symptoms can become – and I am not being overly dramatic when I tell you that the stress of the anxiety on your body can LITERALLY, not figuratively, kill you.
While everyone is different, there are certain symptoms of anxiety that are fairly common with most people who suffer from it. If you’re not sure, take a look at this list and see if you recognize the following symptoms and side-effects in yourself.
Your Breathing Changes – Fast, rapid breathing is one side effect, heart feeling like it’s beating too fast is another.
You Just “Feel” It in Your Gut – Feeling an almost overwhelming sense of doom is how some sufferers describe what they’re going through while battle a tense, nauseated tightness in the pit of the stomach.
Your Body Goes on Alert – Tense muscles and having trouble paying attention and focusing on even simple tasks are some of the problems that anxiety can cause.
You Notice These Symptoms at Certain Times Only – You can have all the symptoms or a few and they can come when a trigger that flips the anxious feelings is tripped.
Examples of health problems can make anxiety develop include the following.
trouble with the heart -an undiagnosed heart condition or disorder
problems with the thyroid gland
Once you’ve been checked and ruled those out, AND your personal health care professional gives you the green light, ONLY then you can consider taking herbal remedies for anxiety and find successful treatment.
If you’re not sure which herb to use for anxiety or how much of it to use, seek the guidance of a doctor or holistic healer who specializes in alternative medicine. You’ll find numerous doctors who practice naturopathic medicine.
Anxiety and Stress Go Hand-in-Hand
Anxiety and stress are bonded together like two sides of a coin. But though it can feel overwhelming, some kinds of stress can actually be good for you – for example, the stress of a project deadline. It keeps you steadily working toward meeting that goal and that’s not a bad stress to feel, ya feel me? But relentless stress can be counterproductive.
Listen, you’re not alone. I’ve been where you are. I know how alone it can make you feel, and how hopeless. And how you wish you could just tell SOMEONE but you’re so embarrassed that you’re even putting up with it that you can’t bring yourself to do it – or maybe you’re worried about what your narcissist will do if you do spill the beans.
If you’re in it, or you’ve been in it, you know what I’m talking about – and you know that I get it.
Are you dealing with a narcissist? Tell me your story in the comments.
Autumn has come with its beauty and splendor of colorful leaves, apples to enjoy and pumpkins ready to be carved. I always enjoy the fall. Inevitably as this season comes, so do the coughs and colds.
Summer is a season of cleansing. We drink lots of liquids to stay cool, eat watermelon and berries and run and play in the sun. Our bodies are so active and constantly given opportunity to cleanse through our diet and play. As the seasons change so do our foods and activities.
Our bodies are preparing for the winter. We need foods and activities that help us stay warm and keep our immune systems strong. Often this transition is not so smooth, especially as Halloween approaches and lots of darling kids will be strolling their neighborhoods in the cold autumn night for sweets.
As the night unfolds, so do countless candies out of their wrappers into the bellies of thousands of children. Their immune systems are now very active trying to protect the body from cold and the onslaught of refined sugar. Refined sugar has all enzymes and nutrients removed as it is processed to be made.
Consuming refined sugar requires enzymes, vitamins, minerals, and insulin fromthe body in order to process it through the body. Sugar strips the body of nourishment and acts like a drug in the system. It triggers dopamine in the brain and that make us crave more sugar. Consumed in large amounts, sugar also causes fermentation in the intestines and overall weakens the immune system.
One of the key factors in cold care is keeping the immune system strong. Teaching one night to a sweet youth, I compared the immune system to GI Joe guys. We have these amazing soldiers (Leucocytes) inside of us to protect us. However, if we don’t let them sleep good, don’t feed them great nutrition and if we are stressing them out a lot then they won’t be ready for when invaders come. Moreover, if we keep their barracks dirty and full of garbage (their bowels), they will have to fight with that around them.
We weaken their capacity to fight back. While this may seem like a crude example of the immune system, I think it helps illustrate the importance of defending the immune system.
Going back to these kids who have just trick or treated, they now have a cold, tired and nutrition deprived immune system. Many of these kids may have dirty “barracks” or in other words, their bowels are compacted or blocked. What can we do to put strong holds back in the body?
“The same nutrition that prevents disease in its early stages can also halt or reverse disease in its later stages,” according to T. Colin and Thomas Campbell, in the China Study.
So, it is the same with the common cold.
Here are a few tips to consider in caring for your immune system.
1 Get appropriate amounts of sleep. It is a time of repair and rest for the body.
2 Drink lots of fluids, especially clean water. Water is vital for the healthy function of our organs, it keeps the river of life (our blood) flowing in our bodies and helps prevent constipation of the bowels.
3 Eat lots of fruits, vegetables, whole grains, nuts and seeds. Eating these nutrient rich, high fiber foods make them easily and readily available for the body to use. Avoid processed foods and mucus forming foods such as white flour, dairy, sugar, eggs and excess salt. They make for a sluggish bowel and thicken body mucous. Eat meat sparingly as it slows digestion, is not as nutrient rich as produce and is acidic in the body.
Pro-Tip: Diet may be the hardest change many make, but I have learned that it IS the small and simple things that we do each day that make a huge difference in our lives. It does make a difference.
4 Get those bowels moving. The bowels are our plumbing. If there is a stopper closing it off, the pipe cannot drain and will stay stagnant and build up will happen. You should be going 3 times a day generally. “What comes in must come out.” A few ideas for moving them are prune juice, Dr. Christopher’s Kid-e-Reg formula for children or Dr. Christopher’s Lower Bowel formula. If these are not available to you; I highly recommend the herbs cascara sagrada, Turkey rhubarb or slippery elm. These are mild laxative herbs to help the bowels move. Stronger laxatives would be aloe or senna.
5 Cut the mucous and strengthen the immune system. A few wonderful herbs that are antiviral/antimicrobial, excellent expectorants and strengthen the immune system are: licorice root, mullein, garlic, elder (berry or flower), echinacea and thyme. I also like a warm drink of lemon with its rind with honey and a pinch of cayenne.
Before you send your cuties out to trick or treat feed them a healthy meal and keep in mind these tips to keep their immune systems strong and protected. Learning these principles from The School of Natural Healing has made me a wiser and better mother. I have understanding that helps me keep my family healthy. I have learned how to protect, cleanse and nourish the body. I highly recommend their courses to you!
What are your favorite ways to strengthen your immune system in the wintertime against colds? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments.
When 6-year-old Daniel’s mother first came to me for help, she was desperate. She had been struggling for more than a year with his condition, and she had no answers – despite the fact that she’d done everything she could to get help from several medical experts.
“Daniel started his chronic hives in October of 2012,” his mother said. “I had taken him to his pediatrician, hospital, dermatologist, allergist, and even the children’s hospital of Philadelphia.”
But she said that after a lot of bloodwork, poking, prodding and testing, there were no answers. And this is what she was dealing with.
“I did days and nights, hours and hours of research and I came to the conclusion that I needed to do something drastic, I didn’t want my son on steroids he was only 5 years old,” Daniel’s mom said.
“All my research pointed to the FOOD we eat, at first I didn’t believe that, but I was a desperate mother with at the time a 6-year-old who I was tired of seeing 85% of his body covered in hives, and suffering, itching and couldn’t walk at times.”
The First Steps to Recovery: Eliminating Artificial Food Coloring and Flavors
Daniel’s mom said the first thing she did was to eliminate artificial food coloring and artificial flavors.
“… to my amazement I started to see a change, but it wasn’t enough. I needed to do something else for him,” she said. “I decided to follow something else I saw online, we went gluten free, dairy free and sugar free. And wow! I cannot hesitate to tell you what a huge difference it made, they were not gone completely but it was only about 20% of his body now.”
Seeking Professional Help from a Holistic Healer
Though she’d started to see results, Daniel’s mom wanted to know how she could do better for her son – she knew she was on the right track, but she just needed a little guidance to help Daniel recover and live a comfortable and healthy life.
That’s when she found me.
“When I met Agatha Repice at Clean Clear Body, I had given her a list of foods that we normally eat and she told me what was ok and what was no good for him,” she said. “She also did cupping on him. Through time we had him all cleared up as long as we were careful with what he ate and touched.”
Schools and Food Allergies: Daniel’s Experience
So often, teachers at school are so busy that they don’t realize the importance of understanding their students’ dietary needs – and thanks to the level of toxicity in many of our foods today, it’s more important than ever – especially when allergies are involved.
“Unfortunately some schools just don’t understand and he had an incident where the teacher (even though she had a list of things he can’t have or touch) had given them all regular pasta for an art project,” Daniel’s mother reported.. “Needless to say my son ended up in the hospital with a first time reaction of this kind a fever of 103.5 and a body with no reaction limp as a noodle.”
Thankfully, his mother said, Daniel was okay.
“I had given him children’s Tylenol and allergy medicine and that helped him,” she said. “The hospital was afraid to give him any medicine because all of their medicine had artificial colors in it, had to be dye free. I got a letter from the hospital and showed it to the school. They promised to be more careful.”
If She Can Do It, So Can You!
Daniel’s mother is on a mission to help educate fellow parents as well as teachers and daycare staff – anyone who works with children.
“I want to add the importance of following these diets,” she said. “If it’s your family member especially a child,I would suggest the whole family stick with it and remove items the child shouldn’t have from your home.”
“It’s easier for them to stick to it that way, it’s what I did,” she said. “I’m not going to lie, it’s not easy but for my son I will do anything, and I did. Including cooking many things homemade gluten free, dairy free, sugar free, corn free, yeast free but not taste free I always made sure they tasted good. And I am a full time working mom.”
Today, Daniel is a happy, healthy and hive-free boy, his mother reports.
“Thanks to following Agatha Repice’s advice and guidance, he is finally cured.”