There’s a reason I’m not a stand-up comedian. Still, sometimes laughter can be the best medicine. In that spirit, here are the cheesiest jokes I could come up with about narcissists.
Why did the narcissist cross the road? She thought it was a boundary.
Quick narcissism test. Step 1. Take a minute to think about yourself. Step 2. Still here? Then you’re probably safe. Making it to step two means you can stop thinking about yourself.
Why doesn’t a narcissist ever attack a vampire? Professional courtesy of course.
Narcissists can be great birth control…just spend a few hours with one while they’re dealing with a narcissistic injury – it’s just like being with a toddler.
Never give a narcissist a straw. He will just use it to suck the life out of someone.
Some people leave footprints on your heart. Narcissists make you wanna leave footprints on their faces.
A narcissist walks into a bar and finds that he can’t stop staring at the gorgeous man across the room. He is fascinated with this guy and he can’t figure out why. Finally he sneaks over to the bartender and tells him to get the guy a drink on him. The bartender looks confused for a minute. “Which one?” The narcissist points at the amazing looking guy and the bartender looks pained. “Sir,” he says, holding back laughter. “That’s a mirror.”
A narcissist walks into a bar. And it’s all the bar’s fault for hanging too low.
A narcissist walks into a bar. She is quickly approached by a decent looking guy, who asks if she’s seeing anyone. “Mostly myself, in the mirror,” she says.
Did you hear the one about the narcissist who got in a tragic accident and lost his left arm and left leg? He’s never been happier, because he’s finally all right.
How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one – because the whole world revolves around her.
So I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. I really hated it at first. But by the end, I sorta liked it.
My narcissist and I got divorced because of religious differences. He thought he was God, and I disagreed.
What do you call a narcissist who is buried in the ground up to his neck? A good start.
I just figured out how narcissists sleep so well. First, they lie on one side. Then they lie on the other.
How do you know when a narcissist is lying? His lips are moving.
Why is it so expensive to divorce a narcissist? Cuz baby it’s worth it.
What should you do if someone steals your narcissistic partner? Throw a party in his/her honor.
Marrying a narcissist is like a 3 ring circus. First there’s the engagement ring. Then there’s the wedding ring. And then the suffering.
Come on, I know you can do better! Share your favorite narcissist jokes with me!
Where do you go when you don’t feel like you’re going anywhere in your trip to being a healthier, smaller version of yourself? What happens to you at that moment in time where you’ve tried (what seems like) everything and nothing is working? Where does your mind and body take you when you’re stuck?
This is always a risky area for me. I would say for a solid eighty percent of my time I am on autopilot. To quote my pal Carolyn, “It’s just what we do now”, meaning going to the gym, eating properly, not binging, not freaking out about every little inconsistency or speed bump in the path, is our new “norm”. It’s just what we do. Lather, rinse, repeat.
The other twenty percent of my time is split between the extremes.
Fifteen percent of that time is spent ‘dorphined up, feeling like I’m taking on the world and conquering it bit by bit. Nothing bothers me. Nothing could stand in my way. I have a great attitude and hold my head up high.
In steps that pesky last five percent of my time, which is where I’ve been feeling for the past week. That last five percent is the part that says “you cannot win this game no matter what you do”. I’m living on “screw it” street in my little village and it’s such a dodgy area. There’s bums on the corners… big bums who haven’t seen a Stairmaster in years. There are seedy people in the shadows just lurking about waiting for you to trip up so they can dart out and rummage through your bag, stealing your hidden snack. The street pharmacists are on the corners handing out your drug of choice, be it cheesecake, chips or chocolate. Or worse yet, a cocktail of all three.
So where do you go? What do you do? Who do you turn to?
My first line of defense, and I didn’t even realize it until I started writing today, is my husband, Marco. Today, these words actually left my face and entered his ears.
“I’ve been doing horrible with my food. I just feel like saying screw it all”.
Those words were actually audible. To another human besides myself. I really said that to him. That’s when I realized he’s always my first stop on the self-destruction train. I like to run my ideas of giving up past him first.
It’s actually laughable as I write it because of course I’m never going to stop but maybe I just need a break. A break from what?
I’d like to call my second line of defense to the stand – Carolyn. You’ll remember her from this post.
She’s who I turn to next. She’s going to read this, as I run most of my posts past her before publishing and she’ll have some brilliant encouraging words to say. Or a punch in the arm, you know, whatever she feels will work at the time. Never fail though, she’s walking the walk and talking the talk with me.
Keeping in mind that this is still only a mere five percent of my time, sometimes I realize my funk is a bit funkier than I like it to be and I pull out the big guns.
When I left Novarum, the center where I got help for my food issues, they had me write a list of things that just worked for me, mentally and physically. It seemed so silly at the time to write it all down, they were so fresh in my mind, but I did it. I tucked it away in a book and just keep it there.
That’s my “big guns”, a piece of paper with words of wisdom that I wrote myself.
“Following this routine makes me more calm about food choices.”
“I no longer hide my eating or have that shame that was associated with hiding and eating.”
“If one of my goals ends up backfiring, that’s okay. This is all just a huge experiment to find that best fit for my life, which will change and evolve as I do.”
That’s just a few of the items on that yellowing piece of paper that I use, third line of defense, to keep me centered.
It is so much more than words on paper though. It takes me back to the basics. Back to where I started winning this thing. Back to the really simple ideas of changing the way I thought about food, myself, myself with food, food with myself and all things related, which in the end, was everything.
I get back to the beginning of this chapter in my life and re-read it like a favorite book.
Then I keep on keeping on because that five percent, that little flash of time, has had its moment of glory and I know how to move on.
It wasn’t until I became a parent that I fully understood, and came to love that saying. Just knowing “it takes a village” made me feel like there was somebody, and possibly even several somebodies, out there on my side, rooting for me. It made me feel not so alone and not quite so worried that I was screwing up my own little human.
As a parent you need to select your village wisely. Take one wrong piece of advice from the village idiot and you’ll be getting the parental stink-eye from a lot of other folks out there.
I don’t feel “it takes a village” is relative to just parent’s though. It’s important to have a village of support when you’re trying to live a healthier lifestyle and lose weight. I take my tribe selection seriously!
I carefully choose the people that I take advice from and who I let into my weight loss bubble. Funny my saying that since I blog about most of it publically, but that’s not what I really mean. When you talk openly about trying to lose weight or change your habits you get input, asked for or not, valued or not. People like to give advice and help. Mostly it’s with a pure heart and good intentions.
I will listen to a lot, from a variety of people, but I only actually take a few people’s advice to heart, adding them to my village. You know what I mean. We all have well intended friends and family who still think the cabbage soup diet is the way to go. Those people would be on the “smile and nod” list and only shown property on the outskirts of town. Whereas hearing what works from a friend who really understands the craziness that is my head, that advice gets filed in the “good stuff, remember that!” and lives nearby in the village of my mind.
Weeding out the village idiots from the village people () can be a tricky and sometimes uncomfortable job. It’s not like they walk around with “I give bad advice intentionally” on their foreheads and sometimes they’re people who you are close with, be it emotionally or in proximity.
I have had office mates who I’ve had to uncomfortably tell “I really appreciate your trying to help but I have a team of people I am working with and it really overwhelms me to receive so much advice. If you wouldn’t mind I’d like to just follow what I’m doing and not get any further input.”
Man, that conversation is a hard one to have. It’s not nice. It has potential to make them feel bad and then you feel bad and nobody wants to feel bad.
Putting yourself first is hard, but important. You and your village are truly vital to your success.
My mental neighborhood starts with the people at Novarum, a health center in the Netherlands. Although I graduated from their bi-weekly sessions over two years ago, I still consider them an integral part of my success thus far. I also know they are there, just a phone call away, should I feel myself sliding down a slippery slope into old habits.
Me and Carolyn prepared to spar
Down the road from Novarum lives my pal Carolyn. She just simply gets me. I have interaction with her almost daily and she understands my kind of crazy. And believe me, it’s a special kind of crazy. We all need that one friends that just gets it. On top of being my mental collaborator she’s my sparring partner and workout buddy.
Me and Hilary, my village grocer
My village grocer is Hilary. She’s studied food, is passionate about food and is vocal about food. She’s the delicate balance of information, as I need it and can handle it, and advice. What I love best about her though is that she is always respectful of my boundaries.
Cindy, one of my trainers & me – at the gun show
Living in their own quiet cul-de-sac are the trainers from my gym. They shout encouragement to me as I tear through my workout. We laugh together when they say “burpees” and I reply with “I hate you”. They intimidated the hell out of me when they first moved into the ‘hood but after giving them a chance I know they want me to succeed just as much as I want to be successful.
And the best part about my village is my own home. I have the biggest cheerleader kissing me hello and goodbye every day. My husband, Marco, is one of the most understanding, supportive people I’ve encountered throughout my life. He’s seen me struggle with every aspect of the health game, so he knows it’s difficult. He encourages me in a non-pushy way, which can be a delicate dance. He eats what I want to eat because he knows I’m trying to be healthier. He’s gotten on the exercise bandwagon with me when I didn’t have anybody to work out with and we enjoyed it together. He believes in me even when I don’t believe in myself. There is no better villager than that. Get one of those in your town as soon as you can.
Marco and me
What kind of neighbors make up your own mental village?
“The greatest gift you can give yourself is joy, not only because of the feeling that goes with it at the moment, but because of the magnificent experience it will draw to you. It will produce wonders in your life.” ~Jack Boland
Have you ever fallen ill during or shortly after a very stressful time in your life?
Have you noticed that it happens often?
Stress, left unchecked, can cause a host of illnesses and disease, including solvable issues like backaches and insomnia, and more grave issues like cancer and chronic fatigue syndrome.
Stress has also been blamed for various women’s health issues, heart disease, high blood pressure, stroke and more.
Many people report that stress affects their love lives, both intimate and otherwise, their digestive systems and even their skin. Headaches and emotional problems are other common side-effects of stress.
If you’re constantly stressed, you might notice that you get more colds and infections too. That’s because stress lowers your immune system’s ability to protect your body.
So, basically, stress is bad–bad for your body and bad for your soul.
The Only Way to Eliminate Stress: No Assembly Necessary
I’m going to warn you now that what I’m about to say may seem overly simplified, but hear me out. There’s only one way to eliminate stress–and it takes no special tools or books or classes. In fact, all you need is an open mind.
If you want to get rid of the stress in your life, you have to decide to feel good. And then, you have to actually do it.
Why Feeling Good Will Eliminate Stress
If you’re familiar with the basic concept of the law of attraction, then you know that your emotional state, the way you feel, determines your vibrational frequency.
Your vibrational frequency–your “vibe”–attracts the types and quality of the experiences you have. So, simply put, feeling good will bring more good into your life.
How to Start Feeling Good, Right Now
You’ve got to change your mind to change your life.
You can start by just choosing to feel good–and when you feel negativity creeping up, intentionally turn your mind away from it and focus instead on something good–something you really want–because no matter what you’re focusing on, you’ll be bringing more of it into your life.
So why not focus on something good?
That’s where my friends come in this week.
Get By With a Little Help From My Friends
I polled my Facebook friends with a simple question: What makes you feel good about yourself and your life?
I’m sharing their answers with you here in the hopes that they might give you a bit of inspiration to use the next time you’re having trouble finding something good to focus on.
“My sexy shoes make (me feel good) about myself when I’m out on the town.” ~Gail
“What makes me feel good about myself and my life is the fact that my mother is proud of me! I have tried and failed for 31 years until I became the responsible mature adult she always pushed me to be…and I love it!” ~Melina
“Sweating out toxins.” ~Layla
“The fact that I love being a registered nurse. I had a patient my last 6 days of work who absolutely adored me. my last day of work I discharged her, she told me she wouldn’t ever forget me. She reinforced the fact I love what I do for a living.” ~Andrea
“When I stop and think about the awesome, interesting friends that I have. Seriously, I am amazed by the people I have crossed paths with and those who have chosen to not run away.” ~Sarah
“I feel the best when I know I’m making a difference. I think that’s what sets a dead end job apart from one that is fulfilling–the feeling that what you are doing actually means something.” ~Jennifer
“I feel best when I’m helping others, whether mentally or physically. Knowing that you have the ability to make others smile makes it all worth it to me.” ~Shelly
“Having the wife I have, who truly has inspired and motivated me over and over–and her forgiveness knows no bounds! Being a good fisherman, discovering I’m going to be a good nurse…now those things feel good in life!” ~John
“When I read the authors who influenced me years ago and I re-discover how I am made –standing on the shoulders of giants.” ~Nance
“Watching my kids. Devlin came in the house today from Cub Scout camp…he just had this walk about him. Taller, more confident posture and such an innocent smile. Made me feel good about my choices in life!” ~Anjanette
So how about you? What makes you FEEL GOOD about yourself or your life? How do you raise your vibrational level? Tell me in the comments!
Pain. Wake up. Stand up. Pain. Walk, sit, squat, kneel. Pain, pain, pain, pain. Get into a car, get out of a car. Pain, Pain. Sit for more than ten minutes, stand up for more than ten minutes. Pain and pain.
This was my life from November of 2009 and onward.
It was a stupid injury. I drove a truck (18-wheeler) with a tight clutch all night. Limped for about a week. Two days before I was going to see my doctor, I was getting back into the truck when the door slowly drifted closed. My left foot big toe brushed the door and turned my sore leg. POP!
The pain was incredible, like getting hit with a two by four.
They said ‘mal-tracking patella.’ I say popped knee cap. Everyone I tell says, “no big deal.”
Either way, what it translated to was that every time I straightened out my leg– POP, the knee cap shifted and I got pain.
It meant that when I walked on it, the leg and knee hurt. It meant that I limped, making the other leg get sore. It meant that every little misstep or unintended twist or accidental bump was like a renewal on my pain subscription. Later came the back and wrist pain (having to push up from any position takes its toll on the carpal tunnel thing).
Two surgeries and four different multi-week sessions of worker compensation paid for physical therapy later, and I was not better. And now I was out of a job. You can’t drive a truck, they said, we have nothing for you.
I am not the type to ask for or accept help from others. I was the “I can muddle through this and make things better on my own” type of person. Damn the torpedoes and full steam ahead.
But the bills were piling up, my pay had been drastically reduced (about $200 a week) for the year and a half while I was trying to get better. And the settlement money was barely enough to cover the really behind bills. And I found out that if you settle, there is no unemployment insurance to fall back on. So I looked for help and found the South Carolina Vocational Rehabilitation Department.
It is a four week program, where they test you and assess you, both physically and mentally. And they work with you to determine the extent of whatever disability you have and help you determine a future where you can work and contribute and stop feeling like such a drain on everyone. It is a program that helps people with work related injuries, life related injuries, mental and physical disabilities (like muscular dystrophy, autism, spinal cord injuries, and the list goes on).
They teach you how to deal with your limitations while not thinking along the lines of limitations.
And this has been the most important lesson I learned while working with these wonderful, caring people. Since November of 2009, I had been living with my disability. But what I had to understand and learn was that I needed to start dealing with my own limitations. I had been in denial, even as the doctors and therapists were telling me that there was nothing more they could do. I was working from the self imposed assumption that I was going to get better, and then things would be able to go back to normal.
What I realized while going through the program, almost in an epiphany moment, is that I needed to change my view of what had happened to me. I needed to see my injury as the life changing thing that it was. All the while seeing that I was not alone in this. There was a community of people, some with lesser degrees of disability, others with more severe problems that I couldn’t even fathom how they could cope with. But a community nonetheless.
I now understand that I will not get 100% better, but I will learn how to work with what I have. I now understand that I will never play basketball or football with my grandsons the way I had envisioned, but I can do it in ways that include my new knowledge of my limitations. I now understand that even though I will have limitations it doesn’t have to define me or what I do, but I can work within those changes in my life to still live a full life. I now understand that by dealing with my injury instead of just living with it, I can now actually live life again.
I know the pain will never fully go away, but I now know ways of limiting the pain. And I now know what it means; it means my body is telling me “you can’t do it that way anymore.” But that doesn’t have to mean I can’t do it a different way. It is almost like driving down a road you have taken to work for years and coming upon a collapse in the road. Instead of complaining that I can now not get to work, I have discovered an alternate way to get there.
They say not to let your disability define you. But I have found that this is not exactly the best thing. Your injury will always define something about you, however it doesn’t have to define who you are. It will only define your limitations; limitations that are only a challenge for you to discover a new road to take in life. For some it will be simply a new way to walk or a new way to lessen or avoid pain. For others it will be a change in career or mobility or a complete way of thinking. For all of us dealing with injury or disability, physical or mental or both, we are all different. But we are never truly alone. It may seem that way at times but we just need to reach out and ask for help, even if we’re not used to doing that.
It is a change in view, a change in the mechanics of living and, above all, a change in attitude. As Janney, one of my instructors who views life from a wheel chair due to cerebral palsy, always says, you need to have a positive attitude and at least fifteen good belly laughs a day.
I got my laughs in today. Did you?
About the Author
Charles B Reynolds has been blogging for four years, writing news, commentary, poems and recipes for just as long. He has been working on several books in several forms and formats for way too many years to like thinking about. A former genre writer from the 1990’s in the small press realm and romance writer on the internet, Charles is married to a wonderful woman who is also a writer and editor. He has three super talented children and two amazing grandsons. One thing he would say about himself that many people would be surprised is that he nearly ran as a write-in Independent candidate for the 2008 Presidential race. But his decision was vetoed by the family, who love their privacy too much to let the media hounds in. Outside of writing, Charles has a wide variety of interests, from history to composing music to enjoying a swim with his grandsons.