What Happens When The Narcissist Finally Snaps And Loses Control?

What Happens When The Narcissist Finally Snaps And Loses Control?


What happens when the narcissist finally snaps and loses control? (Prefer to watch or listen rather than read? See video on YouTube).

Narcissists have this way of making us feel responsible for their happiness. After dealing with one of these toxic people for years, you might even allow yourself to feel responsible for keeping them emotionally safe – or at least for making sure they have whatever they want and need at any given moment. And, if you’re anything like I was, you might even have gone to extremes to do so.

For me, this was true even when I had to do something that I didn’t want to do, like pay my bills late in order to make sure my ex had the money he needed to pay for his hobbies or whatever he wanted. Or sometimes, it would mean doing something that is even further outside of your personal ethical standards – and I won’t elaborate here, but I can’t tell you how many people have shared stories like this with me. And I have a few of my own that would knock your socks off, if I’m being honest.

The same thing happened with my narcissistic parent, but in a bit of a different way. In this case, I knew what was and was not acceptable and I’d do whatever I could to try to fit in the mold that she had created for me. Often, this was to my detriment. For example, she would cook food that she knew I did not like, and she would act upset if I refused to eat it – to put it mildly. By the time I was 8 or 9, I had taken to pretending to like food that literally made me sick to my stomach in order to please her. Worse, I would later go sneak into the fridge and eat stuff that I DID like, which would also get me in trouble. And this would lead me to a lifelong struggle with my weight.*

*Side note, I am not blaming anyone but myself for my struggles – and I’m working on getting that under control. But the truth is that my weight issues could cause serious health problems (and have, in the past), and at least the psychological part of them are partially related to the situation I described.

Does any of that ring true for you? Whether you had a narcissistic ex, or a narcissistic friend, or a parent, did you find yourself feeling the need to keep them happy? And if so, have you ever wondered exactly why? What exactly caused you to try to keep them satisfied even if that meant going above and beyond at your own expense?

Logically, if you think about it, it makes sense that you (or anyone who found themselves at the mercy of an abusive narcissist) would, right? Because you knew that if you did not give the narcissist what they wanted and needed, you would face whatever consequences they might enact. You would be the focal point of their narcissistic rage and the narcissist would even devalue you even more. That is a terrifying thought that haunts anyone who has ever been in a toxic relationship with a narcissist.

But starting the moment you realize what you have been dealing with, you’ll start to change. It will seem slow, but before you know it, you will get to the point where you begin to understand that you have been abused. You’ll realize that your boundaries have been violated over and over again by the narcissist.

That will be right around the time when you reach a point where you know that something in your life needs to change – and fast!

That’s When the Narcissist Will Snap.

The narcissist snaps because they lose control – of YOU. See, your understanding of this person and their personality issues will get clearer and more comprehensive as you study them and their typical narcissistic behaviors, checking them against videos and podcasts like this one. As this happens, you’ll find yourself thinking a little differently, and you might even stop trying to coddle and protect them from the disappointment or anger that will inevitably come when they notice you’re no longer tolerating their childish behavior.

When you realize that you’ve been actually enabling the narcissist by giving them narcissistic supply, you might even get a little angry. Your anger might propel you forward and you might cut their source of supply off, whether you do this in a “cold-turkey” fashion or you use a more subtle “fade-away” kind of method.

What to Expect When the Narcissist Finally Snaps and Loses Control

In any case, when you do finally have enough of the mind games and manipulation, you’ve got to know it won’t sit well with the narcissist. They feel like they cannot function without you at this point, and even though you have given of yourself to the point that it has caused you a lifetime of mental and emotional exhaustion, not to mention the possibility of physical health problems, all the narcissist knows is that they aren’t getting what they need. The fact is that there is literally nothing you could possibly do to actually be “enough” for the narcissist anyway.

But they’ll be happy to keep draining you forever if you allow it. And if you don’t – well, that’s when the narcissist will often snap and lose control. If you’ve been there, you already know how scary that can be. And what should you expect when this happens? Well, let’s talk about it.

Narcissistic Injury, Followed by Narcissistic Rage

The very thing that causes the narcissist to snap is when they endure narcissistic injury – which is a painful reminder that they are not as good as they believe. Then they become desperate for more supply. See, in any case where a narcissist gets upset, hurt, or offended – or when they don’t get special treatment or favors – or literally, anytime they don’t get what they want, they will demonstrate narcissistic injury to guilt you into doing what they want.

And once you’ve realized who they are and you’ve stopped trying to please someone who will never, ever really be satisfied…well, that’s when the narcissistic rage will set in.

Narcissistic rage is a tactic the narcissist uses when they know they’re wrong but won’t admit it, or when they don’t get what they want, or when people don’t treat them different or more special than others, or when their sense of entitlement is threatened. Basically, anytime things don’t go their way, they will get inconsolably angry in an attempt to bully or coerce you into giving them what they want.

So, once they see you won’t budge and you won’t do whatever they’re demanding in any given moment, they snap and fly into that narcissistic rage, which is also a sign of them losing control of their emotions. You can compare it to a toddler having a violent tantrum – and while they may be relatively intelligent in other ways, narcissists are about as emotionally mature as that toddler. When they are feeling unhappy, upset or angry, or put-upon in any way, they will spin out of control and stomp their feet and hold their breath, proverbially speaking. Even literally in some cases.

Devalue and Discard

When the narcissist is losing control, you can expect to deal with them tearing you down in any way they can. The devalue phase will be in full effect. This is they will beat you down emotionally, insult you (outright or covertly), and make you doubt yourself and your self-worth.

This is a typical part of the narcissist’s cycle of abuse and when they do it effectively, it can cause you to believe you don’t have a chance of finding someone better, or that you’re not worthy of love or consideration.  Don’t fall for it, my friend. The narcissist chose you for a reason – probably because you really are the amazing person they thought you were in the beginning when they were idealizing you.

In fact, it is common for narcissists to use devaluation to keep you from leaving. See, by implanting such ideas in your head, they hope you’ll feel like they’re your last resort. Again, do not fall for it! (And let’s be honest – if you’re anything like me, you realize that being alone would be far less difficult than continuing to be with someone who makes you FEEL alone.)

Loss of Narcissistic Supply Leads to Next-Level Narcissistic Abuse

Now, don’t misunderstand me here. The fact is that the narcissist will devalue you even when they are receiving ample supply from you. But if you cut it off, or even if you simply express that you also need to care for your own needs, that is enough to make the narcissist snap. And that’s when you can expect them to get REALLY mean, while they attempt to further devalue you.

When the narcissist is losing control, expect them to throw a list of insults, mistakes you’ve made, and anything else they can think of to hurt you, at you as they dig deep into your insecurities, saying anything they can think of to hurt you. Remember: there is no level to which they won’t stoop.

Inevitably this will lead to you being discarded, whether they actually leave you or not. Either literally or figuratively, the narcissist will sort of “throw you away,” as in push you out of their life. This can happen as part of a rotating cycle of abuse that can go on for decades if you let it – or it can be a final “break-up” – a sort of “showdown” of sorts which will hopefully represent the ultimate end of a toxic relationship. And despite the fact that you might think otherwise right now, trust me when I tell you that this would be the best possible outcome. Other things that might happen are far more ominous – and yes, that includes that you might actually end up staying with them or getting back together.

And, if you’re still in the relationship or you’re freshly out of it and still hurting, believe me – I know it might not feel that way now. It will feel like your life would be over if you really lost this person completely. But, listen…I promise you that one day, when you finally do get away and you start to heal, you will remember this very moment and you’ll see what I mean. You’ll know I was telling the truth.

If you’re already out and beginning to heal, then you already know! (This video goes into more detail on this topic.)

Question of the Day:  Have you ever experienced a narcissist who snapped and lost control? What was your experience like? Share your thoughts, share your ideas, and share your experiences in the comments section below this video, and let’s talk about it.

Do you need help and support in your narcissistic abuse recovery process?

How can you get support in your healing from narcissistic abuse? Start with your friends and/or family members who may understand and be willing to support you. If you don’t have supportive or understanding people around you, which is often the case for survivors of narcissistic abuse due to the fact that narcissists have a tendency to isolate you, you may need to look at some other options. Here are a few to consider.

You might also find these videos helpful:

 

Narcissistic Abuse: The Disgusting Truth About People Who Don’t Go No Contact

Narcissistic Abuse: The Disgusting Truth About People Who Don’t Go No Contact


(Prefer to watch/listen rather than read? See video here) I have to be honest. In all the years I’ve been researching, writing about, and producing videos on narcissistic abuse recovery and narcissism in toxic relationships, I’ve seen the amount of “experts” go from single digits to probably thousands. In fact, the topic has become an official “niche,” which means that people who teach others how to make money online are recommending it as an option for people who don’t know what topic they want to focus on.

And while this should be a good thing because it could raise awareness of narcissistic abuse, you would be shocked at how often I see my own content repeated and rewritten on sites that appear quite professional. Though I am certain that many of these new experts are actual survivors of narcissistic abuse who are doing what they do for good reasons, there’s one particular bunch I need to complain about for just a minute: all of these so-called coaches who think there’s only one way to go when it comes to dealing with narcissists in your life. They don’t consider any individual person’s situation, and they refuse to imagine any possibility in which it’s not possible to completely cut someone out of your life. And that’s because they just don’t get it – but they also don’t realize (or don’t care) how painfully invalidating this can be for victims and survivors of toxic relationships.

Because I’m here to tell you, it is not always possible, at least not immediately. And quite honestly, I have repeatedly found that people who have not experienced truly toxic relationships don’t really understand the depth of trauma bonding, not to mention the isolation factor and the financial abuse and control that comes along with them. And anyone who hasn’t been there really cannot understand the complicated nature of a narcissist’s manipulation and control tactics, which, in my opinion and experience, means they should not be coaching anyone on this topic and they shouldn’t be creating content that is meant for people who are dealing with it.

So, let’s talk about it. Here is what happened.

Today, after hearing from yet another survivor that a particular coach (with whom she paid for a session) berated and belittled her for not being able to just go no contact with her narcissistic partner, I felt like I was going to lose it.  That coach and anyone else who are die-hard no contact pushers are doing survivors a disservice, and to be perfectly honest, I think these people just need to stop it, to put it politely.

Now, don’t get me wrong. The fact is that going no contact works remarkably well for healing after a toxic relationship. And of COURSE, I recommend it – we all know that no contact is the ideal solution to dealing with and healing from a toxic relationship with a narcissist. But the truth is that it isn’t always an option for everyone who has to deal with narcissists for a bunch of different reasons.

For example, maybe you have to live with a narcissistic parent for financial reasons, or you’re unwilling to go no contact with your entire extended family, and you know they won’t or can’t choose you over the toxic family member you’re dealing with. Or you’re working on leaving your narcissistic partner, but haven’t figured out all the logistics yet. There’s also a possibility that you’re dealing with a narcissist at work, and you are not in a position where you can change jobs so easily which means you will have to keep dealing with the narcissistic co-worker or worse, manager. Maybe the narcissist lives next door and you aren’t able to just sell your home and move right away – if at all. Or, and this is probably what I hear more than anything else, you might have to co-parent with a narcissistic ex.

Those are really tough situations as it is, and it frustrates me how often coaches and therapists will tell people in these situations they’re wrong for not going no contact because I get it from a personal perspective. The truth is that it took me a while to figure out how to leave my own ex for with a baby for both financial and logistical reasons. It makes me so angry because quite honestly, anyone who has to deal with a toxic narcissist is already dealing with enough self-doubt and invalidation on a daily basis. They just don’t need any added stress and they don’t need anyone else telling them they’re wrong for something they really can’t control.

So, please hear me on this one, my friend. The truth is, whether we like to admit it or not, there are some situations where it just plain is not an option – at least not immediately.

And while I’ll admit that it is very difficult, if not completely impossible, to fully heal while you’re still dealing with a narcissist on a daily basis, there are certain things you can do to make life a little less difficult while you’re there, and there are things you can do to begin to work toward healing in the process. Let me fill you in.

How to Deal with a Narcissist When No Contact is Not an Option

When you find yourself enmeshed in a toxic relationship with a narcissist, even though you realize your best option would be to leave or go no-contact, it isn’t always a real possibility in every situation. Sometimes, you just want things to go smoothly – you’re not in the mood for a narcissist’s usual games, gaslighting, and emotional manipulation. And there are plenty of times when you’re certainly not feeling like fending off any narcissistic rage, or narcissistic injury.

Let’s talk about five ways to manage the narcissist even if you are unable to go no contact. And if you stick with me through the end, I’ll share one more – a little bonus for you. It’s my own personal secret technique that will help you manage any narcissist you can’t go no contact with. In fact, this technique will work on literally almost any difficult person you come across.

Respond To The Narcissist Without Reacting

You already know how much the narcissist enjoys controlling and manipulating you by triggering your emotions. And, I’m sure you’re well aware that they deliberately say hurtful or dishonest things to evoke emotional outbursts from you. And you might even know that they do this intentionally to make you feel crazy – and to make you look crazy to others – because they want to keep you isolated and under their control. But as frustrating and overwhelming as this can be, if you want to manage a narcissist’s abusive behavior, what you need to do is to be as cool as a cucumber – no matter how hurtful the narcissist is to you. This will be challenging because they will always do what they can to provoke you into blowing up. But if you give them logical, calm, and relatively cordial answers that lack emotion, they will get bored and eventually move on to a different tactic. You can also use the grey rock method, which is both proven and highly recommended. This is where you give really boring one-word answers without reacting and without emotion to push them away.

Keep Your Boundaries Firm

If you are unsure of how to create firm boundaries, then you must learn to do that first. To do that, take a few minutes and decide what is and what is not acceptable to you. Then, you’ll want to make it clear which behaviors you will tolerate and which ones you will not. For instance, if you are co-parenting and you don’t want the narcissistic ex to keep calling you every time your kid farts during their visit, then you make it firm that you will only want to communicate through email or a court-approved app, unless it’s an absolute emergency. And, take steps toward being independent of the narcissist’s help as much as possible – or at least do what you can to limit your dependency on any narcissist. The more independent you are, the less you will have to deal with them.

Make Sure You Have A Solid Support System

When you are unable to go no contact with a narcissist, you will be stressed enough as it is. Make sure you build yourself a solid support system of friends who will understand what you are going through. Now, I’m well-aware that many of us have very few people in real life who really get it, and that’s why I recommend that you get involved with a narcissistic abuse recovery support group. In addition to various local groups you can find at meetup.com, there are also many online support groups, including our top-rated and absolutely free QueenBeeing SPANily groups. In any case, you need access to people who really get it – and you want to make sure you are not all alone in this so that when something upsetting happens caused by the narcissist, you have someone to vent to who will listen and support you.

Keep Your Expectations Realistic

This is difficult, but you’ve got to remember who you are dealing with here. You must remind yourself as difficult as it is having to deal with a narcissist that you cannot kick out of your life that they will not change. They are ridiculously limited, so recognize those limitations. See them for who they are, and use this awareness to help you see that you really aren’t the problem. The fact is that narcissists have so many shocking similarities among them, regardless of age, financial status, culture, religion, sex, or location, that it almost feels like there’s a narcissist playbook.  Just remember, you don’t have to like it, but you do need to remember that they will not change and despite what they might pretend, they will always keep doing what they do. In other words, and I’m sorry to have to tell you this, never have hope that the narcissist will all of a sudden treat you with love and respect, because sadly they won’t.

Nurture Yourself

You must take good care of yourself such as getting the sleep you need, get some exercise, eat healthily, and engage in your hobbies, your spiritual beliefs, and anything else that makes you happy. Never allow the narcissist to take that away from you. Never allow them to have that kind of power over you. Self-care is critical when you are dealing with a narcissist.

Are you still with me? Okay, this is where I’m going to share my own secret narcissist management technique with you. It is only two steps, and it is both ethical and repeatable.

Use This Technique to Manage Any Narcissist in Any Situation

You want to know how to make a narcissist be nice to you, right? Isn’t that what we all want? Well, I’m going to tell you how to do that right now, because sometimes, you just want first aid – a quick and simple way to make life easier for a while – to make the narcissist just BE NICE TO YOU.

PLEASE NOTE: This ONLY works if you ARE NOT IN ANY DANGER OF A PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE REACTION!

Step One: Do not reward “bad” behavior with the narcissist’s desired reaction. So: Your only response to negative behavior is “GRAY ROCK.” Now, you’re going to want to be super careful here and stay calm, even when the inevitable happens – because this can and may induce narcissistic rage, narcissistic injury, and extreme gaslighting. You may feel angry or upset -but DO NOT show it, no matter what. Stay positive and polite.

Step Two: Reward “good” behavior with what the narcissist needs from you: love, admiration, and his or her proper place on the pedestal. When the narc behaves him or herself, even if you recognize it as love bombing or idealization, bestow all the love and admiration you can on him/her — tell him/her how amazing and wonderful and perfect they are – and do it as sincerely if you can. AND: This can even work if you’re dealing with an ex in a co-parenting situation or a boss or co-worker – just adjust to make it appropriate for the situation.

Using this technique will cause the narcissist to indirectly realize that you’re not going to give them your emotional energy unless they are kind to you. Your emotional energy and focus on the narcissist is pure narcissistic supply – and they need that. So what will happen is that most of the time, if you stick it out, they’ll try to be at least polite if not go into the love-bombing mode. That means that you’ll essentially be training them to be nice to you by only giving them narcissistic supply when they treat you nicely.

Bottom line? Don’t expect miracles – narcissists don’t change, even if it is theoretically possible. So make sure you understand that this will be your new way of life if you do stick around forever.

Worth noting: You’ll have to be consistent if you want this to work. You can NEVER stop these practices if you hope to keep this thing going. The narc will absolutely and repeatedly try the various “bad” behaviors – aka manipulation and abuse tactics – and you will need to be very in control of your emotions to make this happen. BUT you CAN do it, if you choose to.

With all of that being said, I hope you’ll take comfort in knowing that as difficult as things are right now, it won’t last forever. One day you will be able to go no contact, one way or another, should you choose that. Eventually, you will have a well-enough paying job that will allow you to leave home if you are dealing with a narcissistic parent or partner. Eventually, you will be able to find another opportunity for the right job if you are dealing with a narcissistic coworker or boss. And eventually, your kids will reach 18 which means you will no longer have to deal with the narcissistic ex.

Question of the Day: Can you relate? Are we on the same page or do you think I’m wrong? Share your thoughts, share your ideas and share your experiences in the comments section below this video, and let’s discuss it. 

You might also like these videos:

4 Ways to Get a Narcissist to Leave You Alone

4 Ways to Get a Narcissist to Leave You Alone


(Prefer to read/listen? See video on YouTube)

If you’ve tried to end a relationship with a narcissist, or a narcissist has ended a relationship with you, there are several things you could expect to happen. They might just ghost you and appear to have fallen off the planet for a while. They might be moving forward with a new source of narcissistic supply, and that might mean they don’t bother you for a while. They might even try to hoover you back into the relationship with some made-up or exaggerated drama, or even a somewhat expected declaration of undying love.

But what are you supposed to do if the narcissist just won’t leave you alone? How do you deal with a narcissist who refuses to allow you to use no contact or low contact to heal yourself?

After all, all you want is peace. And in order to get that, you need that narcissist to leave you alone – whether it is an ex, a parent, a sibling, or a co-worker. They won’t leave you alone because you are either be a great source of supply for them or because something in them feels the need to perpetually torment you.

I think we can all agree that dealing with a narcissist is always emotionally and even physically exhausting, especially since you have to deal with their little fits of narcissistic rage if something doesn’t go their way. They can be verbally, emotionally, and psychologically controlling and abusive, and once you’ve seen them for what they are, you cannot unsee them.

Even if a part of you wishes they’d become the person they promised you in the first place, or if a part of you feels guilty, the biggest part of you knows that this person is toxic in your life and that if you’re ever going to heal and begin to create the life you truly want and deserve, you have to extricate them in no uncertain terms.

How to Get a Narcissist to Leave You Alone

Now, obviously, learning to set strong boundaries and going no contact with a narcissist is the ideal thing to do. As uncommon as it feels and difficult as this can be, no contact can and will work with a parent or a sibling, or an ex if you don’t have to co-parent with them. It’ll work if you are dealing with a narcissistic coworker, friend, or acquaintance. In case you’re unfamiliar with no contact, it is when you literally block the narcissist from contacting you at all, you stop seeing, speaking to, and otherwise communicating with them. This, done successfully, will prevent them from harassing you.

Of course, in many cases, this leads to the inevitable hoovering stage, meaning they try to suck you back into the relationship (and that, if we’re being honest, means they’re trying to hook you back in for their own gain, usually for the narcissistic supply of some kind). Hoovers might come in the form of drama or pretending to need help with something only you can do, or even that declaration of undying love I mentioned a moment ago. When they use the hoover maneuver, the narcissist might say things such as ‘Oh I missed you’, or give fake apologies. You need to stay strong and keep your boundaries firm to not give in to them if they do that. However, if you cannot go no contact, there are other ways to get them to stop bothering you.

The first one I’m going to share with you might shock you a little. But when you’re struggling with getting a narcissist out of your life because you personally don’t want to let go, then you’ve got a big problem on your hands. While you logically know they are toxic for you, trauma bonding, abuse amnesia, and feeling lonely can be big deterrents to actually letting go of the narcissist. That brings me to number one.

1. Get Justifiably Angry

I don’t know about you, but for me, the effects of anger become very physical and if I allow myself to stay angry for long, it’s not good for me or anyone else. If I stay upset for long, I find that I get sick to my stomach, I clench my jaw and give myself headaches and I tense up every muscle in my body. It’s a miserable way to live. Have you experienced the physical effects of really strong emotions before?

But despite what some toxic gurus might tell you, anger isn’t a wasted emotion, if you use it to your advantage. And, as it turns out, it doesn’t negatively affect you physically when it is actively propelling you toward a goal that will make your life better in some way. In fact, it can definitely serve a purpose in your recovery from narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships. How? Well, JUSTIFIED anger is sort of like fear with a little courage thrown in, in a way.

And if I’m being honest, ending my relationship with my narcissist was sparked by anger – I had to get angry before I could get away. Another time anger served me well was before I lost all that weight a few years ago. In order to make the long-term, difficult commitment necessary to take off 100 pounds, I had to get really mad at both myself and the world to get going.

There is such a thing as constructive anger, and it is this kind of anger that causes you to stand up and to create positive change in both yourself and your life circumstances. Sometimes, anger can help neutralize your fear and power up your gumption to get you through the hard transitions – the things you might just be afraid to conquer without that little push of emotion.

The psychology of justified anger is powerful. According to Harry Mills, Ph.D., “Anger can also be a substitute emotion. By this, we mean that sometimes people make themselves angry so that they don’t have to feel pain. People change their feelings of pain into anger because it feels better to be angry than it does to be in pain.”

You have to find a way to get angry at the narcissist for all of the horrible things they’ve done to you when you’re trying to get away from them. This will not only propel you forward and keep your eye on the goal – getting the toxic poison out of your life, but it may also shock the narcissist into realizing that you’re truly done with them. With this being said, your anger should be directed toward moving forward, not any sort of direct revenge on the narcissist. This is for two reasons: first, narcissists are dangerous and if you do anything to directly take revenge on them, you can rest assured they’ll come back at you twice as hard. And second, not only do you not need any more negative energy in your life, but the very best revenge against any narcissist is to live your life well without them, taking away the thing they need the very most: narcissistic supply – and giving yourself the peace, space and time you need to heal and live your best life.

2. Get Your Emotions in Check

Sometimes, you have to deal with the narcissist for some reason. For example, you cannot go no contact with a narcissist if you are co-parenting with one, or dealing with one at work. But what you can do is grey rock them which means you become so uninteresting that the narcissist has no other choice but to leave you alone. You literally almost “become” the gray rock itself: boring, uninteresting. The narcissist might look to pick a fight due to differences in opinion or they might just want to get a rise out of you for some reason. But if you don’t make eye contact, keep your body language under control, reply with ‘uh-huh’ or ‘hmm’ and vague one-word answers, then they will give up. Basically, you refuse to show them any emotion whatsoever. This is difficult when you first try it, but when you see it working, you’ll notice the narcissist will either be sort of shocked, or they’ll actually up their manipulation game a little at first. At this point, you should feel powerful, because you’ll know it’s working. Just hold out, and eventually, they’ll realize you’re no longer going to give them the reaction they want from you, and they’ll go bother someone else.

3. Get the Narcissist Out of Your System

This is the most difficult one of all. You can do what you can to grey rock and show no emotions but eventually, you might cave if the narcissist keeps triggering you. Part of the reason they are so good at pushing your buttons is that they installed some of them – as in, their abuse has created certain triggers in you and they are quite familiar with how to dig at you in order to get those trigger-moments flowing.

So, if you’re going to get the narcissist out of your life, you have to get them out of your head. In a way, you have to do a ‘detox’ of them so you can remove them from your thoughts, emotions, and state of being. This way, you will be unaffected by their behavior. This could require coaching or therapy as well in addition to meditation and journaling, but you can do it yourself if you’re willing to give it a shot.

It does not matter whether you have to deal with them or have gone no contact with them. You just want to get them out of your energy field. Because if you come across one even if you do so after going no contact, and they see they are no longer getting to you like they once did, then that will be powerful to you. They will see that you aren’t bothered by them genuinely. They will also leave you alone if they really do see you are not vulnerable to them.

To do your own narcissist detox, start with your personal space. Remove anything that reminds you of the narcissist. If you’re living in the same space you shared with the narcissist, consider replacing or rearranging the furniture and decor in a new way. Wash the curtains (or replace them, if you can) and change the comforter on your bed. Switch things up.

Remember: One of the most surprising side effects for narcissistic abuse survivors can be struggling with clutter and motivation.

4. What if the narcissist won’t leave your house?

In a lot of cases, the narcissist will refuse to leave your home, even when the relationship has been officially declared to be over. This is often an issue of control – because the narcissist knows that leaving the home will mean a more permanent disconnection of narcissistic supply, and they want to remain in control as long and as much as possible. If this is the case for you, there are things you can do.

First, if you own the home and the narcissist has a job outside the home, or any other reason they leave at scheduled times, you could pack up everything they own, put it in a storage locker and pay one months’ rent on it. Then change the locks on your place and tape a note explaining where their stuff is, along with the storage locker key. Alternatively, you could go through the legal eviction process in your area.

If the narcissist owns the home, or you own the home together, you may need to either prepare to move, or to get your attorney involved in getting them out of the house. If physical abuse becomes an issue, you should contact the police after the incident and be sure to press charges. This could buy you a bit of time to get a restraining order and move their things out of the house into that storage locker we talked about. In any case, be aware of the eviction laws where you live in case the narcissist tries to get litigious with you.

In any case, getting a narcissist to leave you alone takes work and emotional discipline, but it can be done and you can be free of them, even if you are unable to go no contact. What do you think? Can you relate?

Question of the day: Have you struggled to get a narcissist to leave you alone, and if so, how did you manage to make it happen? Are you struggling with it now? Share your thoughts, share your ideas, share your experiences in the comments section below this video, and let’s talk about it.

Don’t Fall for These Sneaky Things Narcissists Do to Get You Back

Don’t Fall for These Sneaky Things Narcissists Do to Get You Back

Doing what I do, I get to talk to a lot of interesting people – and I hear some really revealing stories. For example, I was talking to a client the other day and she mentioned to me that her ex had unfriended their son on a certain social media platform. This caused her to reach out to him and ask why he’d done it – it upset her son and she had to know why he would do such a thing. He admitted that he was childish and the two had an hours-long conversation afterward, leaving my client more confused than ever.

Another client told me about how her father kept sending her strange boxes of things that belonged to her deceased father, despite the fact that they’d been no contact for years. Luckily, she didn’t react, but it definitely messed with her head.

A male client shared with me that his ex had been giving him the silent treatment for weeks. In fact, it had gone on for so long that he assumed the relationship was over. Then, one day, she contacted him to let him know she was pregnant and that the baby would be coming in a few months. He instantly forgot about all of the drama that had gone down between them and rushed to her side. A year later, after he’d helped name the baby and had fallen madly in love with him, he learned that he wasn’t the father – and worse, that the mother had known it all along, but did not tell him because the real father had gone to prison. But now that he was out, she said, he wanted his baby and she wanted him.

And then there was the client who told me a story about how after she’d struggled to end a relationship with a particularly difficult ex, she heard a knock on the door one day, and there he stood, holding his dog. She said he told her the dog was sick and he didn’t know what to do or to whom else he could turn. Of course, she helped him get the dog to the vet and made sure he was okay afterward. They ended up dating for three more months after that.

Sneaky Things Narcissists Do to Get You Back

All of these stories sound different, right? But they all have one thing in common – they are sneaky things that narcissists did to get people back in their lives. And these are just a few of probably thousands of examples of this phenomenon. If you’ve been pulled back into a relationship with a narcissist, or you’re worried that you might be, stick with me, because that’s exactly what we’re talking about today  – sneaky things narcissists do to get you back, plus: how to recognize them and what to do if it happens to you. See the video on YouTube for more, or read more here.

This is Hoovering

When you end a toxic relationship with a narcissist, you might think that it’s over – but very often, the narcissist has other ideas. in fact, more often than not, the narcissist will do something to suck you back into their drama – or even fully back into the relationship – using a technique called hoovering.

Hoovering, named after the famous vacuum cleaner company, is what we call it when the narcissist tries to “suck you back in” after you’ve left them or ended the relationship, or after they have discarded you. They may use some kind of personal problem or dramatic issue to pull you back in, or they may use love-bombing. Hoovering is always an attempt to obtain more narcissistic supply from you, and in many cases, it can be an attempt to reconcile the relationship. It can also just be a manipulation tactic used to get you to break no contact.

Question of the day: Have you ever had a narcissist do sneaky things to get you back, and if so, how did you deal with it? Did you fall for it, or not? Share your thoughts, share your ideas and share your experiences in the comments section below this video, and let’s talk about it.

Why The Narcissist In Your Life Wants To Make You Jealous

Why The Narcissist In Your Life Wants To Make You Jealous


(Prefer to watch/listen instead of read? See video on YouTube)
Before I met my ex-husband, I am pretty sure I didn’t have a jealous bone in my body. I mean, there might have been one or two brief moments of jealousy in relationships, but nothing like I would experience with him. He was the type who would stare at other women openly when they walked past. He’d even flirt with my friends.

And there would be little tells that not everyone would notice – dog whistles in a way. For example, when we first started dating, he would say certain things when he flirted with me that may have sounded innocent if you didn’t know he was flirting. For example, when I would say, “I’m sorry,” he’d say, “You’re gonna be.”

Now if you didn’t know this was a flirt line, you might just think he was trying to be funny. But I knew what was really going on. And when I’d witness him playing this game with my friends or other random women, it caused a lot of conflict. I would not say anything in the moment, but would later confront him. At that point, I’d be told I was crazy and he’d start tearing me down, telling me I was always too jealous and that if I was going to accuse him of it, he might as well go ahead and do it. Of course, this only led me to feel less secure in the relationship and got me walking on eggshells – exactly where he wanted me.

During our relationship, I’d catch him in a lot of somewhat compromising situations, which he’d always explain away. It drove me insane.

I became so obsessed and jealous that I started watching his eyes to see what he was looking at all the time. In hindsight, I’m shocked that I allowed myself to act this way, but it was such a pervasive way to manipulate me that I almost couldn’t see past it. So much so that it followed me into my next relationship and caused drama that didn’t need to be happening. I was eventually able to move past it, thankfully, but it took much longer than I would’ve liked. Can you relate?

Did you have a narcissistic ex who always wanted to make you jealous? Did they seem to constantly have random “mysterious” people to text, or spend a little too much time watching or reading dicey stuff on the internet, or maybe have their eyes on your “competition” too often?

If so, you are not alone. This is just another way narcissists manipulate their partners. It makes you emotionally and mentally exhausted.

Something you should know: If the narcissist is purposely making you jealous, this is yet another form of abuse. But why do they do this? What in the world could they get out of making you feel jealous? You might be surprised that they get more than one benefit out of it. And that’s exactly what we’re talking about today – why narcissists seem to want to make you jealous and what you can do to stop feeling that way.

Examples: How Narcissists Try to Make You Jealous

First, let’s talk about some of the ways that narcissists might try to make you jealous, outside of the example I shared. Some common narcissist tactics to incite jealousy might include:

  • Choosing to spend time without you, doing whatever they like, and not telling you who they’re with, or telling you and not caring how you feel about the company they keep.
  • Blatant flirting with people of the opposite (or same) sex, whatever y’all are into.
  • Gawking at people who have certain qualities you don’t, and pointing them out to you, or just ignoring you while they look.
  • Making you feel invisible.
  • Constantly talking about their exes and how certain parts of their relationship were amazing, even getting into their intimate experiences in detail.
  • Sharing too many details about their new supply when your relationship does end, or about the person they’re cheating with this week.
  • Making sure to tell you and everyone else how much better their relationship is with the new supply than their relationship with you turned out to be.
  • Suddenly changing their appearance in some way – they lose weight or start dressing better, for example. You wonder who they’re trying to impress.
  • Where they used to give you all of their attention, they suddenly start to give attention to anyone and anything, while now totally ignoring you. This might be their phone or another human, or certain online people and websites that might bother you.
  • Ignoring your calls and texts when they’re not with you, leaving you to wonder what they are doing and who they are with.

These are just a few examples, of course. But why do they do this?

Why do narcissists want to make you jealous?

Let’s discuss the reasons that narcissists enjoy making you jealous.

1. The Narcissist Needs to Have Power Over You

You may already know how desperately narcissists feel the need to maintain control over you and other people in their lives. By intentionally making you jealous, they sort of gain control over your thoughts. You become obsessed with figuring out what they’re thinking about, what they’re looking at. You can think of nothing else. Now, the narcissist has exactly what they want: you, focused almost completely on them as you are attempting to be perfect for them. In the meantime, you’re torturing yourself and feeling threatened by everyone who seems to have whatever quality it is the narcissist seems to want but that you just don’t have. Plus, making you jealous is just a way to give them extra power to feed their ego.

2. The Narcissist Needs to Feel Secure in the Relationship

Your average narcissist might seem to exude confidence, but under all of that bravado is often a desperately insecure person. One thing they desperately seek is some level of security in their relationships. They want to know for sure that you want them and that you won’t leave them. So if they can make you feel and behave like you feel jealous, it is just one confirmation that you want them and that you are not going anywhere. This makes them feel secure in the relationship, which is ironic considering it leaves you feeling quite the opposite.

3. The Narcissist is Testing You

Narcissists have a way of wanting to test you constantly. Whether they’re trying to test their bond with you to see how strong it really is or they’re trying to see if you’ll retaliate (or something else), this is a common reason they want to make you feel jealous. They want to know if you REALLY love them, and often, if you don’t react strongly enough, they will up their game and push even harder to get the reaction they so strongly desire from you. Of course, once you do react, they get the confirmation they need – they feel that you really do want them and you have “passed their test.” Even so, they will never let you feel like you’ve passed. In fact, they’ll probably complain that you’re SO jealous and controlling that they can barely breathe. Manipulation at its finest.

4. The Narcissist Wants Revenge

Let’s say someone flirted with you at the checkout counter at the store, or the server gave you some free bread or something at the restaurant you went out to last week. Your narcissist, in their insecurity, most likely felt very threatened by this, even if you didn’t react. And God help you if you were even remotely friendly to the person in question – this would lead the narcissist to spiral into the need to get revenge on you. If they have any reason to feel jealous or threatened, then their first move would be to intentionally make you jealous in an effort to get some sort of revenge. Again, even if what you did was completely innocent, it would not matter. Even just by ignoring them when you have to work or by smiling at a stranger, you might be flirting or at least trying to make them jealous as far as they’re concerned. Remember: It does not take much to make the narcissist jealous. And this leads them to try to get you back by making you jealous, too.

5. Narcissists Need Narcissistic Supply

It is a known fact that beneath that grandiose front that most narcissists have that they are deeply insecure. They have very low self-esteem and they need a partner for approval. In fact, many narcissists feel invalid without a partner to prop them up. So, even if they’re not being faithful to you, they want to be sure you’ll be faithful to them. Since they don’t see you as a real person, they don’t see any reason to be faithful, ironically enough. And a sure way to confirm that you really do care about them is if they purposely make you jealous and you react as a result of it. Your jealous reaction feeds their ego and gives them a false sense of pride. This is what we call narcissistic supply, and the narcissist needs it like a vampire needs blood.

6. Narcissists Need to Tear You Down

A lot of us do our best to conform to the narcissist’s rules in these toxic relationships because we grow tired of fighting and begging them to understand us. So we kind of numb out and we do what we have to do to get through the days. This can reduce the level of drama in the relationship significantly, and the narcissist gets bored. They need something to tear you down about, so they will often use jealousy to incite conflict in the relationship. See, the feeling of being jealous of your partner paying attention to other people can be likened to an evolutionary behavior. Back in the caveman days, we needed our partners for safety, security and to be able to have children – all of which are very primal instincts and needs. The narcissist probably doesn’t realize it cognitively, but by making you jealous, not only are they playing on one of our biggest human fears (the fear of abandonment), but they are also giving themselves a sure-fire way to make us feel bad (or worse) about ourselves. Then we begin to obsess and research and figure out what is wrong with US – and that definitely takes our focus off what is wrong with them.

So how do you deal with this?

What can you do to stop feeling jealous when the narcissist is actively cultivating jealousy in your relationship?

Truthfully, the best option is to end the relationship and start over. But I know that isn’t always an immediate option. Still, outside of simply going no contact and trying not to feel connected to them in this way, anything else you do will simply be a bandaid that will only temporarily relieve your stress.

You’ve got to remember something really important here. Any narcissist in your life never has the best intentions for you. It is all about them, all the time.

So, in general, you can try to focus on building your own self-esteem, and on not reacting to the narcissist’s attempts to make you feel jealous. You can attempt to do a lot of things, but remember that you’re dealing with someone who just isn’t like a normal, healthy person.

Just think about it. In normal, healthy relationships, low self-esteem can affect how you feel about your partner, but in those relationships, the partner doesn’t foster your jealousy or attack you for it – instead, they will reassure you, and your jealousy will go away in time.

When your partner attacks and belittles you for feeling jealous, especially when they’ve actively fostered that jealousy in you, it should be a huge red flag for you – this is abuse. You have to recognize that the narcissist is doing this on purpose, and do your best to avoid taking it personally. With that being said, it can feel nearly impossible to stop feeling that way when you’re in the middle of it. So again, aside from becoming emotionless and just ignoring their behavior, you can work on your own self-esteem. And if you’re lucky in that process, you’ll recognize that you deserve SO much better than someone who would intentionally cause you to feel so small and insignificant.

Question of the day: Have you struggled with jealousy in your relationship with a narcissist? How did you deal with it? Are you dealing with it now? Share your thoughts, share your ideas, share your experiences in the comments section below this video and let’s discuss it.

The Cheating Narcissist: Why Narcissists Cheat, How They Get Away With It and Signs to Watch For

The Cheating Narcissist: Why Narcissists Cheat, How They Get Away With It and Signs to Watch For

Prefer to Watch/Listen Rather Than Read? Watch Narcissist Cheating & Gaslighting on YouTube.
A former client once told me how her husband of 30 years and the father of her children had seemed totally perfect. Even at home with the family, he was mostly a decent guy. The client said he was actually easy to live with. Obviously this made me wonder exactly why she had signed up for sessions with me, at first. This wasn’t the usual narcissist story.

The guy was prominent in his community and well-known at church to be a generous, decent person. He regularly went on mission trips with his men’s group and was loved by all who knew him. And until fairly recently, his wife had been happy.

But as it turned out, things weren’t as rosy as they’d appeared. It seemed he’d been having affairs for the majority of his marriage, and she had recently learned that he’d been introducing their kids to some of his conquests. And this guy wasn’t just a one-night-stand kind of man – he would have long-term relationships with these women.

In fact, the client confessed, there was a situation several years ago where a woman contacted her and said that he’d been living with her for the past decade in another state. It turned out that at least some of these mission trips he’d been so dutifully attending were actually a cover for his need to go and live with his mistress.

He got so good at it that the mistress in this case actually believed she was the only one for most of that decade, so she was completely bowled over when she learned that she was actually the other woman. She ended the relationship as soon as she found out, and my client thought maybe that would be the end of it.

But she had learned that he was now with a new woman he’d met at a local bar, and now she was done. As it turned out, that was why she’d called me. This particular narcissist was especially skilled with manipulation and hiding – to the point that he’d managed to have, the client later learned, several other long-term relationships within the time they’d been married. And, thanks to his manipulation, he’d also turned their children against their mother, blaming her for all of his affairs – despite the fact that she was a loving and devoted wife.

Worse, he’d somehow managed to convince all of their friends and extended family members that his cheating was somehow warranted. So, rather than supporting her when she needed it most, they shunned her and supported the cheater and his new source of supply, which the narcissist paraded in front of his wife without shame or remorse.

This was an extreme example of a cheating narcissist who clearly had a double life going on, without a doubt. But many narcissists have a need to cheat on their partners, and as research suggests, often even when things seem to be good in their marriages. And their reasons for cheating as well as their behavior around their infidelity are different than your average person.  If you’re concerned that your partner is or might be cheating on you, or you’ve experienced this in the past, you’re going to want to stick around for this one. Because that’s exactly what we’re talking about today – why narcissists cheat on their partners and the signs of a narcissist who is cheating on you.

Narcissists are well-known to be disrespectful to their partners and anyone who is close to them. Their marked lack of empathy makes it possible for them to actively cheat without remorse. For the most part, a narcissist’s primary focus is getting their needs met – and one of their biggest needs is for narcissistic supply. While narcissistic supply isn’t just about physical intimacy, it can certainly be a big part of it in many cases.

How Narcissistic Cheating is Different: Secondary Supply

Let’s talk about what I like to call “secondary supply.” See, unlike your average player or pickup artist, many narcissists will become habitual cheaters in their relationships. This is one way narcissists can be different when it comes to cheating. Because, rather than having a one-night stand here or there, a narcissist needs the supply provided by a secondary partner. In addition to getting their extramarital physical needs met, this secondary partner can provide emotional supply as well. In some cases, this can get as serious as the example I mentioned – where the narcissist creates a whole double life involving their secondary supply.

Published research tells us that someone who is narcissistic is more likely to have an extramarital affair, and is likely to be okay with infidelity, and this is even true when they are happy with their partner in the current relationship. (Foster, Shrira, & Campbell, 2006; Hunyady, Josephs, & Jost, 2008; Mcnulty & Widman, 2014).

The secondary supply and the double life setup offers the narcissist something extra – another person to control and manipulate. Someone who, in many cases, doesn’t know them quite as well and is more willing to look past some of their flaws than a longer-term, live in supply like a spouse who has kids with them. This person might be a little younger or less established, and they might give the narcissist an ego boost more directly and more often than the emotionally numb spouse who is at home worrying about them, taking care of their kids and doing their laundry. And, this secondary supply may be one of several members of the narcissist’s own private little harem.

The Narcissistic Harem

The term “narcissistic harem” actually means a group or “collection” of friends/admirers (AKA sources of narcissistic supply) that a narcissist gathers up to stay topped up on their daily supply of love and admiration.

Since no single individual person could ever fill the void that is the hole inside a narcissist’s soul, they seek to fill it with whomever they can – and often these relationships are interchangeable. Now, the harem doesn’t usually include only intimate partners. It could also include friends, relatives and others. Put more simply, a narcissistic harem is a group of people who are happy to stroke the ego of the narcissist as needed.

And in some cases, this harem can also involve a number of “virtual” friends in the form of an online harem – and those can sometimes be the most dangerous because they are the most underhanded and easy to hide. Plus, if you think about it, it’s much easier to manipulate a person’s perception if they’re only seeing your world through your eyes.

Do All Narcissists Cheat?

Despite popular opinion, not all narcissists are cheaters. And not all cheaters are narcissists. But being a toxic narcissist or having narcissistic personality disorder certainly makes cheating more likely, and the reasons narcissists cheat are different than your average cheater.

Why Narcissists Cheat on You

For narcissists, cheating on their partner isn’t just about having sex with someone else, although that can be part of it. But it is also about being in control, getting narcissistic supply and more. Narcissists also have a sense of entitlement that would shock most people. This feeling of superiority and their genuine belief that they should have the right to do whatever they want is a dangerous combination.

Along with their known tendency toward impulsivity and the number of narcissists who are known to have a high sex drive, they are among the most likely to cheat on their partners.

The other thing that you have to remember here is that, in their search for narcissistic supply, one of the biggest things they’re seeking is validation. Ironically, validation is one thing they also starve their partners of in the process of trying to get their own needs met. Combined with the excitement of an extramarital affair and the sneaking and hiding involved with it, narcissists almost can’t resist the thrill. They can become predators who will at any cost get what they want, leading to a seriously high risk for their partners to be emotionally devastated in the process.

On top of this are two other factors: narcissists believe they are above the rules, so they can rationalize their cheating as acceptable due to what they consider extenuating circumstances – and the fact that they don’t see you as a whole person. What I mean is that they see you as an extension of themselves or an object – so in their minds, they might not actually think you even deserve the fidelity they promised you in the beginning.

Like the client’s husband I mentioned earlier, many narcissists are really good at putting on the mask of decency and convincing everyone around them that they’re standing on high moral ground even as they cheat on the person they once vowed to love and to be faithful to. They gaslight and manipulate everyone involved, and leave their partner (and often, also their secondary supply) with cognitive dissonance, confusion and a completely destroyed sense of self. It is very painful and can make you feel like your world is ending.

What are the signs the narcissist is cheating on you?

If you have been cheated on by a narcissist, you understand the pain that is associated with it. The signs of a cheating narcissist might be a little different than the signs an average person is not being faithful. Perhaps at the time, you weren’t able to tell, but you might see in hindsight that the signs were there all along. Let’s go over the 5 signs of a cheating narcissist right now.

1. The narcissist tells you a sob story of how their ex cheated on them.

Narcissists are really good at playing the victim, and one of the first signs that they might cheat will often happen very early in your relationship. If you think back, you might remember exactly what I’m talking about. Did they tell you sob stories about how they were cheated on? They can appear to be quite vulnerable in those moments, and this lends to you sort of rallying around them. As they see you do this, they know they’re getting somewhere. Since they seem to be completely genuine when they describe the pain they felt when their ex cheated, they sort of tug at your heartstrings. It can feel like you’re bonding with them. You end up feeling so sorry for them, and you promise you’ll never cheat on them as their ex did. And, while you feel sorry for them, you also think this means that they would never cheat on you. The two of you end up forming what you believe is an unbreakable bond. And then if and when they do cheat on you later in the relationship and you confront them, they may throw these moments back in your face and act like the fact that you suggested they might be cheating is an insult in itself. This would, in most cases, lead to you feeling bad for even thinking it, and then the narcissist feels vindicated and continues their affair, unimpeded.

2. You get accused of cheating.

We all know how narcissists have a tendency to project their own bad behaviors on to us. Well, in this case, the narcissist will start to notice anyone in your life who could be a potential partner for you. They’ll accuse you of being too flirty, or of wearing that outfit you love because you’re trying to impress other people. In some cases, this will lead to you sort of dulling-down your look in order to ease their minds. This inadvertently also might lend to your already-struggling self-esteem taking a big hit – and combined with the constant need to reassure the narcissist that you’re not their cheating ex, you might find yourself so busy and unfocused that the narcissist finds it much easier to actually cheat on you. This particular tactic is also helpful for the narcissist because, even if you do believe they are cheating on you, it is difficult to actually make this accusation as you try to defend yourself. And if you do, they’ll claim that you’re just trying to hide your own guilt by blaming them. This is ironic because it is quite literally what the narcissist is doing to you in this moment.

3. The narcissist suddenly gets too busy and starts canceling plans.

You make a plan to go for dinner and a movie with a narcissist, then they cancel at the last minute because an ’emergency’ came up. Or you’ve planned a vacation together, and suddenly they have to work all week. So they tell you that you should go ahead without them – after all, the deposits are non-refundable, and you sure look like you could use a break. You take this as kindness and think how selfless they are as you hop on the plane, clueless that they’re actually going to spend the week with their secondary supply. Or they start taking a lot of unusual business trips, or long weekend fishing trips.

And you’ll notice that, suddenly, this is something they are doing over and over again. Not only do they cancel the plans, but they might even end up disappearing for days. Then they randomly show up out of the blue. Sometimes they even apologize and promise to make it up to you – but then they never do. In fact, they often end up repeating this behavior.

4. Something seems off with their social media stuff.

Narcissists are known to create love triangles on social media. They sometimes sneak around with dating and hookup apps and they also can be known to share provocative status updates on their networks. You might notice that they suddenly stop using their usual accounts, and that can be an indication that they’re using alternate accounts. Or they suddenly become friends with a new person – and/or an existing friend starts liking all of their photos and statuses. In some cases, they won’t post photos of the two of you together, or they will hide their relationship status, if they don’t refuse to put one up at all. The social media age makes it so much easier for the narcissist to cheat and hide their double lives, and you know narcissists: they’ll take advantage any way they can.

5. They won’t let you near their phone.

Whether they’ve always been secretive about their phone or it just started, a narcissist who actively hides their phone or who freaks out anytime you go near it is probably hiding something from you. This could be an actual affair, or it could be whatever they happen to be doing on social media. In some cases, you might find questionable messages and photos from someone, or they might just want to hide the people they’re following or otherwise engaging with. In any case, when they are overly concerned about their phones and your ability to see what they’re doing there, it can be a red flag.

6. They shove their phone in your face and dare you to find something wrong.

I know, you’re probably like wait…I thought you said they hide their phones. And, yes, in many cases they do. But, in some cases, the narcissist gets really devious. So, when you accuse them of cheating, they may throw their phone at you and tell you to go ahead and dig through it. They’re doing nothing wrong, they say. In these cases, if they are cheating, they’re either really on top of deleting stuff – and have made arrangements with their secondary supply to only contact them when they say so, or they’ve got a secret secondary phone.

7. They change the way they spend money.

If a narcissist is cheating on you, the way they spend money might change. This could be because they are now spending money trying to love bomb and woo the secondary supply, so they suddenly have no money to spend on the bills or other stuff they usually buy. Or, if they are on the higher end of the income spectrum, they might suddenly start buying all kinds of unexpected gifts for you in order to throw you off and keep you from investigating them. They might also have unexplainable charges on their credit cards or in the bank account.

8. You’ll get a heads up.

In some cases, you’ll get a heads up – either from an ex or from someone the narcissist has actually had an affair with. This may happen because the ex is genuinely concerned about you, or because they are angry at the narcissist. And in the case of the person they cheated with, they may tell you because they didn’t know the narcissist was married or had a partner, or because they are upset with the narcissist for some reason. There could of course be a number of other reasons for such an admission. But in any case, the important thing to remember as well is if you encounter someone who was cheated on by the narcissist that you are seeing, or who cheated with the narcissist, then at least consider looking into the allegations.

These are just a few of the signs that a narcissist is cheating on you. Of course, just like any cheater, you’ll also see things like a sudden concern for their appearance, where there wasn’t before. Or you’ll see a change in routine – like they might join a new gym. You might notice that they are different in the bedroom – you’ll see them being intimate more or less often than before, and suddenly they might show up with a new trick after being married for 20 years.

Should you confront a cheating narcissist?

This is entirely up to you. But you should know what to expect if you do confront a narcissist you believe is cheating on you. Here is what to expect.

The narcissist will deny everything.

Narcissists are known liars, and this is especially true when they might otherwise lose you as a source of narcissistic supply. You will not get the truth ever from a narcissist when it comes to cheating – even if you actually catch them in the act. They will gaslight you and tell you that you didn’t see what you did. They will also attempt to discredit whatever information you have, as well as its source – even, again, if you caught them in the act.   Since they have no respect or empathy for you, they see no reason not to lie. They figure if they never admit the truth, you’ll never know it.

The narcissist will say it’s your fault.

We all know that narcissists can’t or won’t take personal responsibility for anything they do that’s wrong. In the case of cheating, the narcissist might actually blame you for their bad behavior. For example, they might say you’re too boring, or that you’re not interested in them, or they might complain that you don’t spend enough time with them, so they had no choice. In any case, they’ll make you the bad guy.

The narcissist will rage.

When you don’t agree that it’s your fault, the narcissist is likely to go into a rage. Narcissistic rage is a common reaction to not getting what they want. It is unreasonable and illogical, but the narcissist doesn’t care. In many cases, they will convince you to shut up and accept whatever they’re doing – and this is especially true when you aren’t aware of what they are. When you do know, though, you might hold out using the gray rock method. And that will lead to narcissistic injury.

This playlist will help you learn how to use the gray rock method effectively.

The narcissist will play the “poor me” act.

This is where the narcissistic injury comes in. They act like you’re hurting them or you’ve done something to them by accusing them of cheating. The idea that you’d actually expect them to take responsibility infuriates them – and if you don’t respond to the rage in the way that the narcissist prefers, they will make you out to be the aggressor. They will tell everyone what a terrible person you are – and how mean you were to them. Don’t fall for it – it’s just a smear campaign and a last-ditch attempt to get what they want.

Personally, I don’t believe you should tell them right away, given how you know they will react. If you do tell them, you will be unable to get the satisfaction you hope for – and if you tell them before you’re ready to take action (such as leaving them), they will make you completely miserable in the process.

But if you hold your cards close to your chest, you can decide when and how you tell them. This gives you a little power back, at least.

Question of the Day: Have you experienced being cheated on by a narcissist, or think you might be experiencing it now? How did or will you get through it? Share your thoughts, share your experiences, share your ideas in the comments section below this video and let’s talk about it. 

Worried that you might be dealing with a cheating narcissist? Take this quiz and find out if you might be a victim of a narcissist cheater. 

 

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