Is Your Partner Cheating on You? Take the Infidelity Test

Is Your Partner Cheating on You? Take the Infidelity Test

Are you worried that your spouse might be having an affair? For a number of reasons, it can be hard to tell if your spouse is cheating on you. But if you’re willing to look closely, many cheating spouses eventually show signs of being unfaithful, most of which are associated with their behavior.

If you’re worried that your spouse or partner has been cheating on you, start figuring it out now by taking this test. When you finish the test, you’ll be given your results as well as some help with what to do next.

What Narcissists Think When They Make You Cry

What Narcissists Think When They Make You Cry

Are Narcissists Ever Remorseful When You Cry? This is Why Narcissists Love to See You Cry

Have you ever noticed that narcissists seem to love it when you cry? Or at least they seem to intentionally cause it to happen, and then use your tears as a way to either manipulate you or make themselves the victim? If this feels familiar to you, you might want to take a look at this video where I’m digging into the psychology of narcissists, toxic people and those actually diagnosed with NPD (or narcissistic personality disorder) to figure out why they seem to smirk or get happier when they see you crying.

11 Ways to Keep a Positive Attitude (When It Seems Impossible!): Toxic Relationship Recovery

11 Ways to Keep a Positive Attitude (When It Seems Impossible!): Toxic Relationship Recovery

You may have developed a bit of a negative attitude after having dealt with a toxic relationship, and that’s totally understandable. I’ve got good news for you, and I’ve got bad news.

The bad news is that your attitude impacts everything in your life – from here on out, anyway. Your happiness, satisfaction, career, and relationships are all impacted by your attitude.

But hey – that’s also the good news because you have complete control over your attitude. Honestly, you do. Especially once you’ve left the toxic relationship.

Obviously, your toxic relationship (and even healing from one) can make maintaining a positive mental attitude even more challenging. But, if you want to turn your life around, having a good attitude is the first step to making everything else possible. A positive mental attitude is crucial to success and happiness!

I know it feels difficult for you right now, but I’ve got your back. Try these strategies to maintain a positive attitude, even when it feels impossible.

1. Plan an exciting future. If you have a future that excites you, it’s easy to feel positive about life. Even if things are challenging today, you have an exciting life to look forward to. Think about the kind of life you’d like to live. Plan your future and ensure that it’s appealing to you. It should be motivating enough to put a smile on your face. After all, you’re not used to having the freedom of choice after having spent so long connected to a narcissist – take your power and run with it, baby!

2. Be successful each day. Set yourself up to be successful each day. You can do this by making a short to-do list that you know you can complete. Give yourself the experience of being successful each day. You can start with something as simple as making your bed and flossing your teeth before work. I like to use a bullet journal to help me stay on track.

3. Keep your thoughts positive. Positive thoughts lead to a positive attitude. Your brain is always thinking something, and you have control over your thoughts if you choose to exercise that control. Pay attention to what you’re thinking and keep your mind occupied with thoughts that serve you. I like to call this intentional vibration management.

4. Remember your triumphs. If you’re feeling down or hopeless, take a few minutes to remember all the amazing things you’ve accomplished. It’s easy to forget all the things you’ve already mastered and succeeded at, especially when times are tough.

5. Remind yourself that you’re making progress. Even if you’re struggling in your narcissistic abuse recovery, you’re NORMAL, and you’re still making progress. It might be challenging to see, or it might be less progress than you like. However, it’s still progress and a good reason to have a positive attitude.

6. Have something fun to look forward to. What do you have to look forward to in the next month? It could be a movie with a friend or a weekend getaway. Maybe you’re finally going to buy that shirt you’ve had your eye on. Get your groove on, already!

7. Eliminate the negative from your life. The negative things in your life can drag you down. Removing as many of these negative things from your life as possible can make positivity a lot easier to find and maintain. You know exactly what (and WHO) we’re talking about here, right?

8. Surround yourself with people that support you. Rather than spending time with toxic people who seem to suck all the air out of a room, try surrounding yourself with those that lift you up. Life is much easier and more enjoyable with positive people in your corner. Make a list of the people in your life and give them a rating. Determine which of them help you and which are harmful. Start making a few adjustments.

9. Forgive yourself. Okay, you’ve made a few mistakes, picked a toxic partner, maybe, or put up with a toxic friend or family member for too long. And maybe you even squandered a few opportunities. Who hasn’t? It’s time to forgive yourself for your missteps and enjoy your life again. What do you gain by holding a grudge against yourself?

10. Shift your focus. I mean, focus on what you CAN control and not what you can not. This is a HUGE deal. Why waste your energy on anything that you cannot change or affect in any way? It sounds much simpler than it actually is, but it truly works to make your life better (and to keep your thoughts more positive!).

11. Try my daily gratitude practice. Every day, think of 10 things you’re grateful for and 3 things you love about yourself. Talk about raising your vibration! You will be shocked at how effective this can be!

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Journaling Prompt

Ask yourself the following questions and record the answers in your journal.

  1. Do you have a positive attitude in general?
  2. Are you optimistic or pessimistic? How do you think that influences your life?
  3. How has being in a relationship with a toxic person changed your ability to stay positive?
  4. What do you need to do in order to release the negative energy from your life.

Be honest with yourself, but also compassionate. After you write in your journal, set it aside for the night. Then, take a few minutes to review what you wrote tomorrow. What insights can you gain? What changes do you need to make? You might be surprised at how very effective this exercise can be.

Remember this: Having a positive mental attitude leads to much faster recovery from narcissistic abuse. You’ll also be happier and be more attractive to others if you choose to be. Try to see the bright side of things and expect the best – just maintain your awareness and your boundaries at the same time. Life is more challenging when you have a negative attitude.

Helpful Resources for Shifting Your Perception and Taking Back Your Life

 

Gaslighting Examples- How It Feels and Ways to Recover

Gaslighting Examples- How It Feels and Ways to Recover

Gaslighting, what is it and how does it feel? Also, ways to deal with it and recover after.

Lise Colucci is one of the narcissistic abuse recovery life coaches at QueenBeeing.com.

For info or to schedule a coaching appointment with Lise go to https://queenbeeing.com/lise-colucci-c

Join The QueenBeeing SPANily (Support for People Affected by Narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships) – AKA “The SPANily” – at https://queenbeeing.com/span.

Narcissistic Abuse and Sex: Abuse of Intimacy

Narcissistic Abuse and Sex: Abuse of Intimacy

When an empathic person is in a sexual relationship and especially an intimate long-term relationship with another person, sex creates emotional, physical and spiritual bonds.  Bonds and trust that grow from the connected exchange sex provides deepen the feelings of love and caring toward their partner. The chemical release of dopamine and oxytocin during sex floods your body and brain with feelings of love as well as creates a need to feel more of the same. 

But when there’s a narcissist involved, things don’t quite work this way.

You may think the narcissist is bonding to you too and may believe deep connection and love flow reciprocally between you both. In the case of a sexual relationship with a narcissist, the bonds on their side do not exist in the same way and the sharing of sex for connection is not what it appears to be.The narcissist uses sex to gain a feeling of power.

Meanwhile, because of the emotional bonding coupled with the body and brain chemicals, we grow deeper connections to them. Likely the love bomb-devalue cycle in other areas of your relationship with the narcissist will happen and trauma bonds will take hold as well further complicating things.

Lack of empathy means lack of intimate connection.

Without empathy, the narcissist can not put themselves in the place of the other person or find the depth of connection that the empath feels. They also are ego driven people and view sex not as a way to bond but as a way to own or possess another person and to meet their own needs only.  The narcissists may seem like attentive lovers (at least at first) that appear to be giving pleasure for the benefit of you, their partner, but as the relationship continues and masks come off it can become clear that this is not the case.

This is because the narcissist never had the intention of giving to you, they had the drive only to please them self and to make you react to them in a sexual way which fuels their ego and gives them supply.  The way the narcissist uses sex creates an imbalance of power in a relationship where you are becoming filled with trust and intimate love and they are remaining self-oriented only and using the vulnerability intimacy can create to gain control.

This power was always the intent and main sexual drive of the narcissist, the intimacy felt was only yours and once under their sexual control in this way the power becomes abuse and is a factor in deeper trauma bonding.

Sex as supply.

There are ways the narcissist gains supply through sex, for one, they hear our words of love and gain supply, it’s like direct feedback to the narcissist that they have secured us as supply and we are fully bonded. The narcissist also feeds off of the oxytocin and dopamine high, both their own and ours, that sex floods our brains and bodies with.

These chemicals that are released are powerful “feel good” and bonding chemicals and leave you feeling satisfied yet wanting more so it deepens the connection to a partner.  

We know that all attention is supply to a narcissist and sex seems to be a heightened supply because of the intense feelings it creates in you. Narcissists often get an ego boost from sex which is another form of supply. They sometimes view themselves as really great at sex and use you to prove that to themselves. They often like you to “perform” or make a show of just how great they are sexually. This can feel inauthentic and cause you to have a sense that something is not right or even leave you feeling unloved. 

Objectification

Objectification of all people is common for narcissists. They see us as objects for their own gain or pleasure maybe even so far as eventually you may feel like a sex doll or like you are expected to perform in a certain way lacking all authentic and spontaneous behavior on your part, or maybe like you are not even there.

Basically, a narcissist is having sex with them self and using you as an object to complete the sex act with as well as gaining further power over you. You may be seeking love and sharing an intimate exchange with them but they are seeing you as a warm body to use for their own purpose. It can feel like sex with a stranger when you look in their eyes as they objectify you.

This, when combined with trauma bonds, can create a cognitive dissonance during sex.

Have you ever felt empty and ended up in tears during sex with a narcissist?  Knowing intuitively something is not right but feeling connection and love at the same time can cause that empty feeling and leave you silently crying. Being objectified is not being intimately cared for and emotionally abusive.

Ways a narcissist may abuse intimacy

The deeper we feel a connection through sex the further the power is stolen by the narcissist to use as their own supply and manipulate you. They do this in many ways, here are a few examples:

  • Forcing you to cross personal boundaries and go beyond the comfort zone
  • Demanding  sex when it’s not wanted
  • Threaten to leave if sex is not up to their expectations at that moment
  • Withholding  
  • Forced or non-consensual sex
  • Objectifying
  • Shaming
  • Depersonalizing

They know sex bonds us to them, they may even think or say they feel close and bonded after sex, this, if is a truth at all is a half-truth and it works to ensure you that the feelings they are having are mutual which sadly is not possible given they do not feel empathy. The narcissist feels like they own you and sex is one way they use to make sure it stays that way. 

What happens to you?

Having a narcissist for a partner can leave you feeling emotionally alone and when it comes to sex it’s no exception. The isolation and loneliness when in a sexual relationship with a narcissist can be so completely devastating you literally change and seem to lose vital parts of yourself.

Having your intimacy abused not only diminishes the feeling of empowerment you may feel but damages self-worth.  Being used sexually in the ways a narcissist uses and abuses is not an easy thing to accept; it’s painful, humiliating, devaluing, dehumanizing and can crush self-esteem.

Having the natural and beautiful part of being an empath, your ability to bond with love and empathy expressed through sex and intimacy not only unreciprocated but used as a point of power and control against you can leave you feeling like it is now hard to trust. You may even feel naive or foolish for having trusted. Feelings of guilt, shame and anger may also be present. These are all normal ways to feel after having your intimacy used and abused, Now is the time for understanding exactly what took place and using active self-care to find healing.

Can you think of ways the narcissist used sex to manipulate you?  If any time you felt off or distance or emotionally not right during or after, maybe even sad or used these could be clues to seeing the manipulation that took place. 

Thanks for reading this post! My name is Lise Colucci and I am one of the certified life coaches at QueenBeeing. Learn more about me here or schedule a one-on-one coaching session with me here.

Evolve: Shift Your Focus Toward Positivity

Evolve: Shift Your Focus Toward Positivity

One of the hardest things we go through as survivors of narcissistic abuse is letting go of the negativity when we move forward in our lives. So often, I hear survivors tell me that they can’t seem to let go of the feelings of dread, sadness and confusion after the toxic relationship ends. One easy way we can start to move toward being happier and more positive is to focus on intentional vibration management – as in, speaking, thinking and doing only things that are toward our highest good and toward our true divine desires.

That means we have to let go of the need to complain – or at least to cut down on it. This means rather than focusing on what we DON’T want, we turn away from it and only focus on what we DO want.

So how do you do it? 

Cutting down on your complaining is something that will take practice. We’re not all naturally inclined to lean toward the positive. In fact, it’s easier for our brains to fall into patterns of negative thinking than to look on the bright side of things. You may wonder how you can begin to become a more positive person. It takes time and intentional practice. I’d like to give you some ideas on ways to shift your focus toward positivity. Once you begin to do that, you’ll start to find positive thinking comes more naturally and with ease.

Ditch Negative Influences – Let’s start with one of the toughest suggestions I have to offer, and that’s to get rid of negative people in your life. Cutting people off is difficult and painful. It’s hard to sever a connection with someone who may have been important to you, but allowing toxic people to bring you down with their constant negativity is harmful to yourself. Ultimately, it may be better for you to put yourself and your own needs first. If you can’t eliminate a negative person from your life completely, at least make an effort to spend less time around them. Once you do, you’ll probably feel like a weight has lifted from you and being positive will come easier. You can always reevaluate things later.

Smile – Yes, a simple gesture like smiling can turn your whole attitude around. It’s hard to feel cranky when you’re smiling. Give it a shot. Smile at strangers on the street or colleagues in the hallway at work. A good mood tends to follow a genuine smile, both your own and the recipient’s. Smiles really are contagious.

Look Forward – Set some goals for yourself. Being able to look ahead to the future with hope and anticipation will do wonders for your outlook. When we’re feeling stuck in a rut, it’s far easier to let things bring us down. These goals can be personal, professional or something else entirely. Just be sure it’s an objective that excites you in order to keep your motivation and your spirits high.

Brighten Your Surroundings – If you want to lift your mood and perk up your thinking, it could really help to brighten your surroundings a bit. The things you see around you have an impact on how you feel. If you want to feel more positive, add some uplifting elements to your atmosphere. You can do this by making sure your office desk always has fresh flowers on it or by adding some fun dŽcor to your home. This small lift can go far to turning your mood around.

Step Outside Yourself – Finally, sometimes you have to get out of your own way and out of your own head if you want to change your perspective. One awesome way to do that is to help others. It can be in a small, informal way or by throwing yourself into a big project. Whether it’s offering assistance to your overworked colleague or starting a huge philanthropic campaign, helping others can totally change your negative attitude.

Hopefully, these tips will help you to bring some sunshine into your life. Perhaps you can build upon them and find ways that are personal and meaningful to push you along the path to positivity.

If you’ve got time, take a few minutes and watch this video. It’ll help with some additional tips on changing your perception.

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