When the Narcissist Moves On: The Truth About Their New Relationship

When the Narcissist Moves On: The Truth About Their New Relationship

Is your ex flaunting a new relationship on social media? Are you feeling jealous of the narcissist’s new supply? If you’re like most survivors of narcissistic abuse who have been discarded by a narcissist, you’ve probably got a lot of questions about a narcissist and their new source of narcissistic supply. You want to know:

  • Is the new supply better than you?
  • Should you warn the new supply about the narcissist?
  • Was the new supply a downgrade?
  • Will the narcissist treat the new supply better?
  • Will the narcissist be nicer to their new partner?
  • Did the narcissist marry the new supply too fast?
  • Why did the narcissist move on so quickly?
  • Does the narcissist love the new supply?

Narcissist’s New Supply? The Truth About Their Relationship.

Narcissists can be charming, charismatic, and very persuasive when they’re dating someone new. Their new target often falls prey to the narcissist’s false promises. As survivors of narcissists in toxic relationships, we’ve probably had these same promises made to us in the past. But how does the narcissist’s new supply figure into all of this? I’ve got all the answers you want and need, right here. Let’s talk about it!

All of your questions and more will be answered in this video.

Below is additional information about the narcissist’s new supply.

What is Narcissistic Supply?

To the narcissist, people are nothing but objects to be used and discarded. Narcissistic supply refers to what you can DO for the narcissist. Specifically, narcissists crave attention, admiration, emotional energy, and other kinds of “services” in order to function and to maintain their ego. Narcissistic supply can also involve flirting, caregiving, sex, money,  and more.

Where does a narcissist get supply?

Narcissists get their narcissistic supply from people, but in some cases, they might even get it from a pet or group of people. The narcissist’s need for your emotional energy can be likened to the mythical vampire’s need for blood. They require it to survive. It nourishes them and keeps them feeling comfortable with their lives.

Why do we call a person “a narcissistic supply?”

In the narcissistic abuse recovery community, we often refer to the victim of the abusive narcissist as “the narcissistic supply.” What we really mean is the “source of narcissistic supply,” and this is sometimes misunderstood.

Isn’t it insulting to call someone a “supply?”

Some people might think that when, as survivors of narcissistic abuse, we call ourselves “supply” we are minimizing ourselves. But what we are actually doing is acknowledging that the abusers in our lives only saw us for what we could provide to them – not for what and who we actually are. In other words, we are reminding ourselves that, as a “narcissistic supply,” we are used by the narcissist to get attention, validation, admiration – all the “supply” they need to feed their ego.

Did the narcissist’s new source of supply break up my relationship?

Of course, there is a chance that the new supply actively and aggressively pursued the narcissist in order to “steal” them from you. But truth is that this is highly unlikely. In fact, narcissists often try to lure new people into various types of relationships with them, only to discard them when they’ve gotten what they need. The narcissist will take advantage of this person by using him or her to get what he or she wants; then, without any warning or explanation, he or she will discard this new friend and move on. And as the narcissist’s cycle of abuse goes on, the next person becomes the new source of narcissistic supply.

Will the new supply be around forever? 

It’s highly unlikely. But a narcissist’s relationship with his new supply might be short-lived, or it may last a while. You have to remember that the narcissist views other people as tools to be used for his or her own gratification. So if at any point someone in their lives, including this new person, no longer serves this purpose, the narcissist discards them, just like you would throw away a piece of scrap paper.

Is the new supply like me?

There’s a small chance that this person will be your polar opposite, but that’s only going to be true about their appearance and external personality, if at all. This might be difficult for you, but this person is actually more likely to be similar to you in many ways – and if they stick around long, they will also be someone who does admire the narcissist for who he or she is, someone who will listen attentively to the narcissist’s every word, someone who will go out of their way to make sure that the narcissist’s needs are met.

There’s so much more to learn about the narcissist and their new relationship, as well as the narcissist’s supply. Here are some reading and video resources for you.

Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today

Online help is readily available for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Here are some options to begin healing from narcissistic abuse right away.

Why are narcissists and codependents attracted to one another? Here’s the TRUTH from Ross Rosenberg

Why are narcissists and codependents attracted to one another? Here’s the TRUTH from Ross Rosenberg

This is part two of my interview with Ross Rosenberg. Today we’re talking about how attachment theory and Human Magnet Syndrome go hand in hand, as well as how Rosenberg has redefined codependency and developed a process to help codependents, or SLDs, to heal and resolve their codependency (or self-love deficiency disorder), so they can go on and live the lives they want. See part one here.

See part 2 of the Ross Rosenberg interview on YouTube.

Why are narcissists and codependents attracted to one another?

There IS a toxic and magnetic attraction between narcissists and codependents – but WHY? Ross Rosenberg, the author of The Human Magnet Syndrome, explains the truth about why narcissists and codependents are so attracted to each other and why, if you don’t take the time to heal before getting into another relationship, you’ll end up with another narcissist.

Plus, we’ll talk about the chemical attraction between SLDs and narcissists and why we are so likely to want to stick around, as well as why the words codependent and empath are not synonymous.

How does attachment theory relate to the Human Magnet Syndrome?

Rosenberg said he has an intense fascination with attachment theory and that he uses it to explain why children grow up to become adult codependents, or SLDs, or pathological narcissists.

“I rely on attachment theory in order to explain the process,” he said. “(To put it) simply, attachment theory explains that our psychological health or ill health is caused by the manner in which we were loved, respected, and cared for during our critical ages of development, between birth and up to eight years old.”

“And if we endure psychological harm. abuse, neglect, mental manipulation – or we are deprived or neglected or abandoned, we don’t get to attach to a nurturing parent figure,” Rosenberg continued. “Without that attachment, we don’t develop the potential to be healthy high functioning adults. So if you were raised by a narcissist and loved conditionally and had to mold yourself into the type of trophy the narcissist needed in order to get anything, you will not have experienced positive and nurturing attachment.”

That, he said, will impact your psychological health, while your adulthood experiences would also have an impact on your adult relationship choices.

“So attachment theory explains through my Human Magnet Syndrome book why SLDs or codependents always choose narcissists – because they only experience that type of love,” Rosenberg said, adding that SLDs or codependents tend to respond to and are attracted to people that fit what he calls the relationship template that they experience in their childhood.

“That’s how chemistry is,” he said. “If a child who was brought up by the pathological narcissist and who did not attach in a way that would be healthy is going to find the narcissist as familiar and paradoxically safe because they know and have experienced their whole life living with that person and they know what to do.”

Why did Ross Rosenberg create the term human magnet syndrome?

The book cover on Rosenberg’s The Human Magnet Syndrome is symbolic, he told me, as it features hearts coming together and trapped within barbed wire.

“I came up with the term to explain why codependents or SLDs predictably reflexively fall in love with narcissists,” he said. “Talking about attachment, there it is the matching of relationship templates.”

What is the narcissist/codependent relationship template?

Rosenberg explained that most codependents or SLDs would have an intrinsic understanding that to love someone and to be loved, “you have to be silent, acquiescent, constantly vulnerable, and moldable.”

“You also need to be constantly interested in a person who’s not interested in you,” he said. “That’s just the way you understand relationships.”

“And then a narcissist understands relationships (will believe that) that people want to hear what they have to say. (People want) to enjoy their accomplishments; that they want to be told how great a person is – which of course is not true – but that’s what narcissists think.”

“So when the two people meet their opposites, one gives away love, respect, and caring. And (the other) one needs all the love, respect, and caring, these two opposites, through this unconscious process – chemistry – come together almost all the time,” Rosenberg said.

Codependents, Pathological Narcissists and Chemistry

“Codependents, SLDs, will almost always be attracted to through chemistry to a narcissist and narcissist to a codependent,” Rosenberg explained.

“That pull is the attraction process of two people feeling so comfortable,” he said. “Like a dance partnership, the leader needs a follower, the follower needs a leader, and the recognition of that on unconscious levels brings them together like two magnets.”

Rosenberg explained that he chose to reconceptualize and then rename codependency in a way that actually makes sense to people who are suffering from it. He wanted to identify the problem (of codependency) so that people could intuitively connect with and understand and offer them direction on what to do to deal with it.

Are codependents (SLDs) blameless victims of pathological narcissists?

“One of the things that sets me apart from most of my contemporaries talking about the subject is (that) I hold SLDs or codependents responsible,” Rosenberg, a former SLD himself, explained, adding that, “You cannot solve a problem if you share the responsibility, don’t know it or are in denial about it, and want to just blame the perpetrator.”

He said that focusing on being a victim is not helpful in recovery, so taking responsibility for your part in the relationship is key.

Are all codependents empaths?

Rosenberg strongly stated that not all codependents are empaths. And that, in fact, there’s no true connection between the two. So to understand the difference between empaths and codependents; first, we need to define empathy and codependency.

What is empathy?

There are three different types of empathy: cognitive, emotional, and compassionate. Emotional and compassionate empathy seem to be intrinsic for most people, and anyone can learn cognitive empathy. So an adult empath would be able to logically understand what a person feels and be emotionally affected by what they feel. That person’s emotions would also move them to take action to help them deal with what they feel.

What is codependency?

Codependency is when you are dependent on another person in unhealthy ways. In most cases, it seems to be affected by some form of trauma that often occurred in childhood; it is considered a behavioral condition as it inhibits your ability to have a healthy and mutually satisfying relationship. A good synonym for codependency might actually be relationship addiction because codependents tend to be perpetually involved in one-sided, emotionally destructive, and/or abusive relationships.

Rosenberg on Codependency vs. Empathy

“I completely do not support the term empaths (in relation to codependency) because it’s a candy-coated term that makes the SLD or codependent feel good about themselves, when in fact SLDs have significant psychological problems. Significant!” Rosenberg said. “Without the resolution of that. they will always choose the narcissist – and they will over and over again.”

“They will almost always stay with the narcissist despite the fact that they’re not happy and they’re being hurt,” he said. “And then if they should leave or should be left, they will then choose another narcissist,” he said.

This is why it is so important to understand that self-love deficit disorder or codependency is a psychological disorder that is motivated through volition, he explained, adding that while there’s absolutely no excuse for abuse, as long as people play the victim card and look to books and videos that focus on demonizing narcissists and glorifying “the sacrificing poor SLD or codependent, no one gets better.”

That’s why people so many people say they find Rosenberg’s material so helpful.

“It holds them accountable in a non-judgmental empathetic, and compassionate way,” he said. “In my book, I explained this is why you are an SLD or codependent. You were hurt badly, and until you saw that trauma that happened when you were a child, you’re going to play out that script for the rest of your life.”

How can you learn more about healing after narcissistic abuse from Ross Rosenberg?

If you’re interested in hearing more about what Ross Rosenberg has to say about healing after narcissistic abuse, please subscribe to this channel and stay tuned for the rest of this series. Of course, you can also visit the Self-Love Institute, get his book, The Human Magnet Syndrome, on Amazon, and attend his upcoming 50 Shades of Pathological Narcissism event.

Question of the Day

Do you see the connection between how you were raised and nurtured as a child and how your adult relationships developed? Please share your thoughts share your ideas, share your experiences in the comments section below this video, and let’s talk about it. 

Get help with narcissistic abuse recovery right now.

 

Signs the Narcissist is About to Discard You

Signs the Narcissist is About to Discard You

Are you worried that the narcissist in your life is about to discard you? What are the signs that a narcissist is about to dump you?

How do you know you’re about to be discarded by a narcissist?

While there is still a lot that you can learn about narcissists, certain signs of the final discard are common among narcissists and people with narcissistic personality disorder (as well as other abusers with narcissistic traits who haven’t been diagnosed). And while there does seem to be sort of a playbook for narcissistic abuse, narcissists each still have their own patterns and behaviors separate from their personality disorder.

Still, certain signs of the final discard are common among narcissists and people with narcissistic personality disorder (as well as other abusers with narcissistic traits who haven’t been diagnosed) – and they are likely to stand out if you’re looking for them. Even so, if you’re paying attention to the signs of the final discard, you will probably spot them in most cases.

What is the discard in narcissistic abuse?

The discard is part of the cycle of abuse, and it follows the devaluation period. The narcissist will start picking you apart, and if this is the first time it happens, it can feel devastating and confusing. On the other hand, if you’ve been in the relationship long enough to know the cycle, you might be prepared to hunker down and get through it as you wait for the next “good” part.

What are signs the narcissist is about to discard you?

The Narcissist’s Intermittent Reinforcement Patterns Will Change

Narcissistic abuse involves trauma bonding, which is maintained through intermittent reinforcement. That means that the narcissist is kind and cruel to you in alternating patterns. As a result, you essentially become addicted to them, much like you would any other addictive substance or behavior. This is why it’s so difficult for most survivors to walk away and leave a narcissist.

When the discard is on the way, these abusive patterns will change. The intermittent periods of devaluation will be longer and more intense than usual. In addition, the narcissist may reach new levels of disrespect, or stop being kind to you altogether before the discard. In other words, the narcissist will be making you miserable, and you’ll never or seldom have a moment of feeling loved or accepted as the discard approaches.

The Narcissist Will Go Dark 

You might get the silent treatment. Or, the narcissist might get super quiet, only replying to you when it benefits them to do so. Whether the narcissist cuts off communication completely or cuts way back, you might hear from them far less often, if at all, before the discard. This might be because they are working on securing a new source of narcissistic supply or for literally any other reason. It just means they are beginning to reduce their dependence on you and could be placing it on someone else.

The Narcissist Will Betray You in New and More Painful Ways

The narcissist might cross a line they never have before. For example, they might become physically aggressive when they haven’t before. As always, they will blame you for their behavior – but please note: no matter how “terrible” they claim you’ve been, there is never an excuse for physical abuse or aggression in any relationship.

The Narcissist Will Discard You When You Stop Giving Them Narcissistic Supply

When the narcissist realizes and accepts that they cannot own you, that they can no longer dominate you, and that you will not allow them to drain you any longer, they will walk away and stay away. But truthfully, that kind of awareness is quite rare for someone who has NPD.

Remember that narcissists need your time, attention, acts of service, and several other kinds of energy from you – this is what we call narcissistic supply. So, if you stop doing things for the narcissist and stop being useful to them, the discard is sure to follow before long. That’s because the most obvious sign that you’re about to be discarded is when the narcissist starts to show you that they no longer need you.

Get help with narcissistic abuse recovery right now.

Helpful Reading for Recognizing and Dealing With Narcissistic Discard 

8 Questions a Narcissist Absolutely Cannot Answer – Plus, What They’d Say If They Could

8 Questions a Narcissist Absolutely Cannot Answer – Plus, What They’d Say If They Could


(See video)

If you’ve ever met a narcissist, you’ll know that not only do they have a ridiculously overinflated sense of self, but they also tend to be unable to see things from a perspective other than their own. You cannot expect to have a genuinely open and honest relationship with a malignant narcissist. The narcissist’s lack of self-awareness compounds the issue significantly. That’s why, when asked certain questions, a narcissist is more likely to deflect them or walk away than to actually engage.

What are the questions that a narcissist can’t answer?

What does the narcissist have to avoid answering and why? Ask a narcissist any of the following questions, and prepare to be met with silence or some other seriously evasive response.

What is love?

Since narcissists love people in the same way that most people love their smartphones, they really don’t “get it.” In other worse, they don’t understand the concept of real love, so they can’t answer this question. They don’t know what love is, and they don’t know what it’s supposed to feel like either.

What makes you happy?

Narcissists can’t define happiness for themselves, let alone for someone else.

How do you feel about me?

If you ask the narcissist how they feel about you, you’ll get one of a few answers. These boil down to either a flurry of idealized qualities that you may or may not actually have, the runaround or they’ll give you a whole laundry list of things they think are wrong with you – depending on which phase of the toxic relationship cycle you happen to be dealing with in the moment. If you ask them what they love, they’ll say something you do for them – the way you rub their back or the fact that you pay all the bills – whatever it happens to be. The truth is that the narcissist doesn’t tell you exactly how they feel about you because they’re not even fully aware of who you are; instead, they care about what you do for them and how much narcissistic supply you can provide for them. So, when you’re away, they miss your acts of service, your money, your attention – not the things that make you yourself.

Who hurt you?

More often than you might expect, narcissists report that they’ve had the same kinds of childhood trauma and experiences that their victims share. They’ve just manifested their trauma differently. And, while a lot of narcissists tell sob stories to gain narcissistic supply from the people around them, they can’t always see the forest for the trees. What I mean is that by nature, narcissists avoid introspection. They hate having to deal with themselves, and even if they do share genuine stories about how people hurt them in their lives, they can’t usually admit the issues that surround their pain. If they could, they wouldn’t be likely to fall into the narcissist category – they might actually resolve their core wounds.

Why won’t you ever admit you’re wrong?

Why do you blame others for your actions and decisions? Narcissists don’t take responsibility for their mistakes, ever. They will, at every opportunity, either completely deny the things they’ve done wrong, or shift the blame to someone else. And if they are caught in the act of making a mistake, they’ll blame you for being the reason they did what they did – somehow you’ve caused it, they’ll swear.

Why do you care more about what strangers think than the people you claim to love?

Narcissists see strangers as potential new sources of supply, and they are happy to reel them into their trap. Think back before you knew your ex narcissistic partner. They were impressive to you, too, right? But they care less about what you or anyone else who is close to them thinks – they’re already thoroughly enmeshed and feel they’ve learned everything there is to know. So like any object, sometimes the narcissist puts you in the closet until they want to play with you again.

Why does it bother you so much when we don’t like the same things? 

Ever notice how narcissists tend to get upset if you don’t like the same restaurants, television shows, or books that they like? It seems ridiculous when you think bout it. But narcissists cannot put into words why they find your differences so threatening. They will easily skirt away from the question and tell you that you are ridiculous for thinking that way. The truth is, they do find your differences threatening because they lack empathy. They cannot understand how you would not like the same things they do or have different beliefs. Therefore, this threatens them.

What do you need to change about yourself or your life? 

If you ask a narcissist this question, they will either tell you there’s nothing they need to change, or they’ll give you answers such as they need to make more money, or they need to get a better car or move into a larger home. They will never acknowledge that there is room for improvement within. They stay away from self-reflection of any kind, so the answers they give you to this question are faithful to them. If you asked anyone else this question, they would tell you that they could eat better, exercise more, meditate more, and create a gratitude journal, be better organized, and so on.

QOTD: Does any of this sound familiar to you? What would you add to my list? Share your thoughts, experiences, and ideas in the comments section below this video.

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Resources

How Narcissists Destroy You and How You Can Put Yourself Back Together

How Narcissists Destroy You and How You Can Put Yourself Back Together

If you know what it’s like to experience narcissistic abuse, then you might understand the level of damage that narcissists can do. It is profound and life-altering – and not in a good way. Narcissists destroy you, but if you want to put yourself together again, you can absolutely do it – starting with focusing on understanding what happened to you. Your next (and most important step) is then moving forward into intentionally healing and embracing your true self. Let’s talk about it.

How do narcissists destroy you?

Narcissists are masters of manipulation and control, but the effects of being in a toxic relationship with someone affected by narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are life-changing. The narcissist’s form of psychological and emotional abuse is so harmful that most survivors find it impossible to go back to the way things used to be after recovering from narcissistic abuse.  Their trademark lack of empathy and compassion spills into every interaction with you.

Here are just a few of the ways they destroy you through narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships.

  • They make you believe you’re unworthy of love or respect.
  • They require and take absolute control over your life.
  • They drain your life of energy, confidence, and happiness
  • They see and treat you less like a person and more like an object.
  • They destroy your self-esteem.
  • They isolate you.
  • They shame you.
  • They use your kindness and devotion against you.
  • They make you dependent on them.
  • They manipulate you into staying with them, first through future faking and later through fear, obligation, and guilt.

How can you rebuild yourself and your life after narcissistic abuse?

There are several steps you can take when you’re ready to rebuild your life after narcissistic abuse. In this video, you can learn about how narcissists destroy you, and the psychology around it, plus (and most importantly) exactly what you need to do to find the strength and self-awareness you need to detach from the narcissist and how you can heal and move forward. You’ll learn about how can narcissists manipulate you into giving up everything you care about for them, and you’ll understand why it feels like you might never be able to recover. Plus, you’ll learn exactly what you need to do to embrace your power and take back your life and your SELF after narcissistic abuse.

Have you been destroyed by a narcissist?

If you feel you need additional help and support in your narcissistic abuse recovery, look for a trauma-informed professional trained in helping people who are dealing with overcoming narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships. Depending on your particular situation, you might benefit from Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching, or you might do better with a therapist. But, first, you have to decide what to do from here – if you’re unsure, start with my free Narcissistic Abuse Recovery quiz. With your results will come recommended resources for your situation.

Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today

Online help is readily available for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Here are some options to begin healing from narcissistic abuse right away.

 

What Happens When You Abandon The Narcissist?

What Happens When You Abandon The Narcissist?

If you’ve decided that the narcissist in your life is not healthy for you, there will come the moment when you realize that it’s time to walk away. But, unfortunately, no matter how much you try, nothing changes, and the abuse continues.

Are you planning to abandon a narcissist?

If you plan to abandon the narcissist in your life, you should know first that you’re most certainly not alone. Unfortunately, the unfortunate truth is that thousands of men and women experience emotional and psychological abuse at the hands of a malignant narcissist. While this is terrible news for humanity, it’s good news for you today because our research and experience allow you a glimpse into the psychology of the narcissist and a play-by-play guide for exactly what to expect when you leave a narcissist.

It’s a painful realization to reach that point of giving up, but this is what is necessary if things aren’t going to change. This is when you have the greatest risk of narcissist retaliation if the narcissist thinks you’re planning on leaving them. Once you decide that it’s time, the final stage of implementing this can take place. Deciding to abandon a narcissist is scary, especially since a part of you misses the person you signed up for and how they used to be so kind and caring before everything changed.

Discovering That You’re Dealing With a Narcissist

Maybe there was a specific incident (or several) that you feel caused them to become disillusioned with you, and so you spent months or years trying to make up for whatever damage they claimed you caused.

And you might have found yourself Googling about how you could become more like what the narcissist in your life really seemed to want, right? But then you ran across something that blew your mind – you found out about narcissism, or more specifically, narcissistic personality disorder.

As you read through the checklist or article you found or watched the video you clicked on, and a lightbulb went on in your head. Your brain almost hurt from the heavy realization you had at that moment: after all the months or years you’ve been blaming yourself, it turned out that it wasn’t you after all.

You suddenly understood that this person matched up to the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder. And that even if they weren’t diagnosed, they clearly demonstrated the trademark behaviors. You didn’t know if you were happy or super angry that you’d been unfairly beating yourself up for all this time. You weren’t sure whether to be upset that you had bent over backward to prove yourself to someone who would never see you. You struggled with the idea that you wasted so much of your life trying to make them happy when it would turn out that even if you were literally perfect, they would never be satisfied.

In other words, you recognized that this person who you now know as the narcissist in your life has actually done nothing but abuse and devalue you as they see fit and at any given moment for almost as long as you can remember. Are you worried you might be wrong, and this person isn’t a narcissist? If so, take our free toxic relationship test or look at this video, which offers signs that you’re in love with a narcissist. 

Making the Decision to Leave the Narcissist

Maybe you thought something was wrong with you at first. You couldn’t understand how someone could treat you the way this person has treated you, so you assumed you must be the problem. Maybe you thought that if only you could somehow “fix” whatever the narcissist claimed was wrong with you, and things would finally change.

But now, you’re over it, and you want out. You crave (and deserve) freedom, and you have taken the time to create your escape plan to go no contact or low contact.

You would love to abandon the narcissist completely. But you want to know what to expect. And if you’re honest, you are understandably concerned about what consequences you could face if you take off and leave the narcissist.

Why is it so difficult to abandon the narcissist? 

Let’s face it – the reasons you might be hesitant to leave the narcissist are many. Not only are you highly likely to be trauma bonded to them, thanks to years or even decades of abuse, but you might be dealing with a fear of abandonment and some attachment issues of your own.

And, quite honestly, you’re at least a little bit afraid of them.

You have seen the narcissist fly into an unreasonable narcissistic rage for the smallest of reasons. And anytime the rage didn’t give them the results they wanted, you’ve witnessed them using narcissistic injury, also known as the “poor me” act, as a way to manipulate you into doing what they want. Unfortunately, this has been a problem in your life more often than you care to admit.

But now that you’re finally done and you’re ready to get the heck out of dodge, you are fully expecting all hell to break loose. You know that it won’t go easily, and you suspect that the narcissist will do anything literally in their power to stop you, especially because you leaving means them losing the one thing they cannot do without – narcissistic supply.

And, if you’re like most survivors, you’re worried about what they will do if you leave.

What can you expect when you abandon the narcissist?

The early part of the no contact journey is no picnic, so when you abandon the narcissist, you can expect to deal with various manipulation tactics, including the following.

The narcissist will beg you to stay.

The narcissist might beg you to stay – or even try to talk you out of leaving. You may even hear things like, “You’ll never find anyone who loves you as much as I do,” or “You’re going to regret this in the long run.” But, then, they will start love-bombing you again and suddenly become the “perfect partner,” and they’ll seem so sincere. Naturally, you will want to believe them, and you will find it nearly impossible to leave if you indulge in this little fantasy at all. Just remember that once they’ve got you firmly back in their grip, they’ll quickly return to their old ways.

The narcissist will guilt-trip you.

The narcissist will try to make you feel guilty for abandoning them. Then, they will suddenly forget that they ever treated you anything but like royalty. In general, narcissists are incapable of taking responsibility for their actions, and the narcissistic guilt trip takes things to a whole new level. Not only is the narcissist well-aware of your “buttons” (which they will happily push at any given moment to get what they want), but they have literally no limits to the levels to which they will stoop. This video offers insight into managing your guilt when you abandon the narcissist.

The narcissist will threaten you.

In many cases, the narcissist will (at least threaten to) stoop to any level to get revenge. You may even hear things like, “If you leave, I’ll tell everyone what a bad person you are” or “If you walk out that door, don’t ever expect me to let you back in!” Remember that even if you choose to stay, they’ll start a smear campaign about you if they haven’t already. So don’t try to reason with them, and don’t make excuses. If you’re afraid they will physically hurt you or your kids, be really intentional in your planning and do your best to avoid confrontation as you exit. If possible, leave and don’t say anything to the narcissist until you’re safely away. This video offers insight into what to do if the narcissist snaps on you. 

The narcissist will stalk and harass you. 

Expect to be stalked and harassed by the narcissist after you abandon them, especially if they have no other sources of narcissistic supply. If they have other sources of supply, they may still stalk you, but it might be less intense or not at all, depending on the situation. Still, it’s important to remember that for the narcissist, this supply can literally feel like a requirement for them – like air or water. So, whether it’s immediately or later down the line, you should be aware that abandoning a narcissist can lead to stalking. If you’re concerned about an existing stalker or you already know that the narcissist in your own life will become a stalker, be sure to grab my free stalker safety kit, right here, so you can take precautions and keep yourself safe. This video also offers insight into how to keep yourself safe from a stalker. 

The narcissist will hoover you.

If the narcissist in your life is not already engaging with a replacement for you, then you can expect to be hoovered. Named after the famous vacuum cleaner company, “hoovering” happens when the narcissist tries to “suck you back in” after the discard. This can be drama-related or an attempt to reconcile the relationship – or, in some cases, an attempt to get you to break no contact once you do get away.

You can expect the narcissist to hoover since you are one of their primary sources of narcissistic supply – and sometimes, the only one. When you unexpectedly cut off that source of supply, the narcissist will be like a vampire who goes without blood for too long. They’ll do anything to get a little taste of it – if they’re in need anyway. They will send you texts such as “Can we please talk?” or “I miss you, please come back.”

Now listen – this next part is hard and will take a ton of willpower, but you’ve got to hold your ground here. Don’t answer their texts. Please don’t respond to their repeated efforts to contact you on social media. Block them and their usual flying monkeys – and if they show up at your door? You don’t answer it. If they won’t leave and are causing a scene? Call the police and have them removed. 

This video offers insight into why narcissists hoover and how to prevent yourself from falling back into that toxic, abusive mess they claim is a relationship.

And speaking of flying monkeys, this brings me to my next point.

The narcissist will engage their flying monkeys in triangulation.

Here’s where the narcissist will employ these so-called flying monkeys. Flying monkeys are just people who willingly or otherwise do the narcissist’s bidding and support their agenda. In other words, they enable the narcissist’s games and manipulation, whether they do it willingly or the narcissist manipulates them into helping.  If the hoover doesn’t work, and sometimes even before they try the hoover, the narcissist will pull out the triangulation card.

Triangulation is, unfortunately, a prevalent manipulation tactic often employed by narcissists; this is when the narcissist communicates as a third party between two people but prevents the two from communicating directly through either manipulating or controlling at least one of them.

So, in this case, because the narcissist may be desperate to get in touch with you for a bit of supply or to cause you more stress and pain (which, if we are honest, is also supply), they’re going to start reaching out to people who will help them by telling you “how worried they are” or “how sad the narcissist seems” since you left, or whatever. This video offers insight into dealing with flying monkeys and the smear campaign. 

The narcissist will flaunt their new source of supply in your face.

Alternatively, the narcissist may quickly scoop up a new person to be their source of narcissistic supply. And, once they’ve got that poor unsuspecting soul in place, you know what they’ll do, right? They will try to use this to hurt you. So, they will try to contact you to fill you in on their “good fortune.” They’ll want you to know how much better they get along with the new supply – and how that person “gets them” in ways you never could.

Of course, they’ll take all the supply they can get, right? So you know they’ll be posting all over their social accounts, telling the world about this new and amazing person they have finally found. They’ll proclaim that this person is their new soulmate and even insult you indirectly in the process by either not acknowledging that you ever existed or by directly pointing out how much better they are with the new person. They will conveniently forget how a similar thing happened when they met you – that they once thought you were their amazing soulmate who could do no wrong and who just “got them” in ways their ex never could. Ahem. Yep, it’s a typical narcissistic cycle of abuse. Anyhoo…

They will try to call you or send you messages to brag about them, hoping that they will get a rise out of you. Of course, the best thing to do is ignore the messages and block their number and social media profiles. If you get any strange friend requests or follows from new accounts that look suspicious, then you will want to block those as well. This video offers insight into how to deal with the narcissist getting a new supply.

The narcissist will run smear campaigns.

Remember how I mentioned smear campaigns before? Well, not only is the narcissist is worried that you will expose who they are, but they’re also going to need a replacement supply and fast! So, they’re going to tell everyone a big sob story, and they’re going to try to tell everyone what a terrible person you are.  They will attempt to ruin your reputation among your family and friends, and if possible, they’ll even try to get you fired from your job. The narcissist can also threaten you by leaking your personal and private information in public. Be careful to avoid engaging with their rumors and lies. Instead, if someone you feel deserves an explanation asks you, then you can explain yourself just one time. If the person appears not to believe you or continues to act as a flying monkey on the narcissist’s behalf, you can step away emotionally until you’re feeling more healed – and at that time, you can decide whether you’d like to keep that person in your life. This video offers insight into dealing with the narcissist’s smear campaign.

Should you abandon the narcissist? 

Given all of the information shared here, you might feel a little doubtful about your decision to leave the narcissist. Worse, you might find that things are still not resolved, and more damage is done by separating from the narcissist. But while it won’t necessarily be easy, it will certainly be worth your time and trouble. And now that you know what to expect when you abandon a narcissist, you can be prepared and protect yourself along the way. This video offers insight into creating your exit plan safely.

Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today

Online help is readily available for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Here are some options to begin healing from narcissistic abuse right away.

 

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