Can an intelligent person be tricked into self-doubt and eventually believing they’re crazy and/or not good enough? If you’ve ever been manipulated by a narcissist, you probably already know the answer to that question.
Of course it can happen. And it does – far too often.
Here’s why and how. So often, I hear survivors of toxic relationships say they thought they were too smart to be gaslighted and manipulated by narcissists. This logically should be true – but as I’ll explain in today’s video, even highly intelligent people can be affected by gaslighting and manipulation at the hands of someone with malignant narcissism – even when you’re trying to stay no contact.
This is an unpublished letter I wrote to my narcissist colleague about six years ago. All of this happened in the first three years of my interviewing and hiring this person. She was eventually fired for unprofessional behavior (including using a topless photo as her Facebook profile image). There is no personally identifying information in the letter.
Are you serious right now? How do you justify asking the person who interviewed you for your job, and personally signed off on your work visa, “What qualifies you to take on [PR Project X]?”
Overconfidence is one thing, but you’re arrogant and extremely ignorant to the point where you’re embarrassing yourself and don’t even realize it. Let me count the ways you compensate for having a fragile ego. For example, we were at lunch with four other colleagues and you frowned and said “don’t like” restaurants that serve four-course meals with formal cutlery settings.
And before you pretend you can really afford a Hermes Birkin, we all know that was a PU knockoff you plonked down in the center of the table. The handbag is supposed to be made of crocodile skin and you shouldn’t have it because new import laws make it illegal to bring one into this country.
Please avoid chewing your meal open-mouthed while holding the fork vertically in your clenched fist, while stabbing it onto the ceramic plate, and clanging the tines against your teeth.
What was I saying? An authentic, used Birkin can cost more than a new A-Class Mercedes Benz, so why are you hitchhiking? Their Hondas cost less than your handbag. And, if you can afford a real Birkin, why did you tell me that $80 is EXPENSIVE for a designer canvas tote when I mentioned that I got mine at 98% off?
Also, why did you have a colleague telephone City Hall on your behalf to complain that your health insurance is expensive when your monthly premium costs half the price of one pair of the (supposedly authentic) Tory Burch shoes you’re wearing. You have them in assorted colors to match your outfits. You are wearing two years’ worth of premiums every week.
By the way, that Emporio Armani wristwatch costs $200. While you were acting like the newly arrived cat that got the couture cream after I complimented you, please note that your colleague sitting next to you was on her second rose gold Omega. She misplaced the first one, and bought a new one because she couldn’t bother to look for it. She doesn’t talk about it, so you didn’t notice.
My favorite part is the fake engagement ring. The stone is too large so it is easy to see about ten colors beaming out of it. If your boyfriend can afford a real diamond that size, he would have brought you to the store to have the ring sized to match you. The mixed metal band is tarnished (blackish brown) and is swiveling around on your finger. The whole thing looks tacky. At least do some research if you want to really fool people. It’s not the fakery that bothers me, it’s the laziness. A lot of women in the office wear real diamond accessories, so they either think you’re not sensible or that your boyfriend is cheap.
Also, if you’re going to wear a real five-carat diamond ring, a real Hermes Birkin, and five pairs of Tory Burch shoes, how come you can’t afford to visit a salon to style your hair? You’re acting all high society, so why the flat, dull tresses and ratty-looking scrunchies?
On a more serious note, use of laxatives to control your weight is causing you to be malnourished and is messing with your hormones and brain function. Your colleagues told me so. Boasting to them about your eating disorder being a trend was a bad idea. Some of them were genuinely disturbed by your words.
Out of concern, I offered to teach you how to grill your daily lunch salmon to get the most nutritional value, but you said you prefer bland food.
But answer your question, “how am I qualified”, I co-hosted a radio show while still in high school, do several media interviews and profiles every year, designed swimwear for the tourist board of a developed country, wrote and directed ten stage plays, wrote and produced PSAs at the request of City Hall, and consult with NPOs.
So, if I’m not qualified to do a public relations project, then neither are you, you resume-embellishing, “I did six HOURS of a media literacy college course and therefore I’m an expert at producing radio segments”, PU knockoff Birkin toting, open-mouth chewing and smacking, spiteful, ungrateful, presumptuous, pompous human!
Transcript – When you’re dealing with a narcissist, you’re dealing with someone who appears to have very high self-esteem, you’re dealing with someone who has a grandiose sense of who they are. They think they’re better than they are, but if you ask me, I think they secretly know exactly who they are.
With all that being said, I think it’s pretty clear that anyone who’s ever dealt with a narcissist would probably agree when I told them that anything you say to a narcissist can and will be used against you in a court of narcissistic judgment. In other words, anything you say could be used to start an argument with a narcissist.
So today at QueenBeeing.com, it’s all about how to speak to a narcissist. I’m gonna tell you six things you should never say to a narcissist unless you want to induce narcissistic rage.
So what can you do to prevent a narcissist from kind of freaking out on you? How can you stop a narcissist from raging on you? Well, if you’re not able to just walk away from the narcissist and go no contact which is always the preferred method then take note of these things I’m gonna share with you today.
We all know that narcissists are like toddlers, right? At least that’s been my experience when it comes to their emotions anyway. So narcissists are known to sort of control people with their toddler-like temper tantrums. Narcissistic rage is an ongoing issue and it usually occurs when a narcissist feels slighted, they feel like their ego’s been bruised or they feel like they’re not the center of attention and like a toddler, they don’t really tolerate very many strong emotions very well, especially when they’re not strong emotions like joy.
Side note, if we’re being honest, narcissists don’t really feel joy very often.
So if you’re just trying to keep the peace around a narcissist that you can’t get away from, be sure to avoid saying these things.
1. Wait. that isn’t right. Telling a narcissist they’re wrong is the first way that you can totally ding their bell, if you know what I’m talking about. The fact of the matter is, narcissists, they don’t like confrontation, do they? Well, they do, but only when they’re the ones doing the confrontation. Do you remember knowing a school bully in your lifetime, think about the behavior of the bully and the behavior of the narcissist, can you kind of see how those two go together, how they’re kind of similar? What else do we know about that bully from elementary school? Well, we know that secretly they hated themselves or they weren’t very comfortable in their own skin and that’s part of the reason they acted like a bully. Maybe they were getting bullied at home or maybe they were just insecure about something about themselves and their way to cope was to just come out and be a bully. Narcissists are very similar to that.
So you don’t really necessarily have to not tell the narcissist they’re wrong or that they are incorrect about something, but what you can tell them is something more like, “oh, you know what? You’re making kind of a point here, but what if we look at it like this” or “that’s not a bad idea, but what if we tried it this way” or if you’re really smart you’ll make them think they thought of the idea themselves.
2. I got an award, I got recognized for something I did. Yeah, me. Oh my gosh, I just got recognition for anything at all. Narcissists never like it when you were the one who is being recognized and not them, so their first reaction will be either dismissal or outright narcissistic rage.
What’s the best thing you can do to combat this? Start by somehow crediting the narcissist for your success. For example, if you got a writing award, you could tell your narcissist; “oh my gosh without you, I could have never written that amazing book I wrote. You were my absolute inspiration. You lifted me up, blah,blah,blah.”
Whatever you need to say to make them not rage on you. Is this messing with their heads a little bit? Maybe. Is it manipulative? Yep, but it will keep the peace, it will. This is sort of their Achilles heel. They kind of don’t even recognize that you would be manipulating them in that moment, because they can’t imagine that you’re not telling the truth about how much they affected your book that you wrote or whatever award you got.
Sad stuff. Either way, spend a couple of minutes embracing yourself and recognizing your success because you did a good job and let the narcissist think whatever they want. You’re basically giving them credit for your achievement.
3. What in the world is wrong with you? How could you be like that? I mean if we’re being honest, we’re all asking that question in our head anyway, right? What is wrong with narcissists? Why do they act that way? We have to resist the need to let it sneak from our brain right out of our mouth. Why? because if we’re dealing with a narcissist and we want to keep the peace we have to know that’s going to cause narcissistic rage. Why would that cause narcissistic rage? Well, like I said, narcissists have very low self-esteem.
Many of them and those who don’t still have very fragile self-esteem. It’s like a little egg they carry around on the end of their finger and it could break at any moment…
Anyway, they cannot stand the idea of being wrong as I said before and certainly not the idea of you knowing something they don’t know or you being in any way above them or them being less than you, even though somehow that’s their favorite way to leave everybody else feeling about them. Isn’t that ironic?
And the truth on this one is that if anybody was asked this question, what the heck is wrong with you? Why would you act like that? Why would you be that way? Would we not all be offended?I mean, I gotta say I would be a little offended. The point is that you have to figure out a way to use phrasing that helps them think that you were very interested in truly understanding them when you’re concerned about what the heck is wrong with them.
So if they’re acting crazy and you have no idea why, instead of saying gosh, what’s wrong with you? Say something more like, you seem like you’ve had a bad day. Is there anything I can do to help? Do you want to talk about it? I’m very concerned about you. How can I help you? Make it all about them, you get the idea.
4. Wait, I don’t remember sitting there or wait that never happened. If the narcissist in your life are anything like the narcissist in my life were, they would often tell stories that weren’t really their stories to tell or they would tell stories that were completely made-up and you as their primary source of supply are one of them were expected to go along with those stories or you would be punished when you got home. Does that sound familiar to you?
So if you ever say to a narcissist, hey, that didn’t happen or hey, what are you talking about? That wasn’t… It didn’t go down that way or I don’t even remember seeing you there. Well, expect some rage. It’s almost like they are trying to show off or show people who they are through their masks and in reality, if you call them out in public and you say wait a minute that never happened or no, I don’t remember that.
Guess what’s gonna happen then? They feel their mask has been dirtied or pulled aside a little bit and then you’re the one stuck reeling after the narcissistic rage unloads on you. The best thing you can do here is if you are in a situation that matters where the stories the the narcissist is telling are lies.
If you care about the people they’re talking about and these are things that are important to you, then just pull them aside later and explain to them what the truth is.
5. Do you know what you could do better here? Anytime you tell the narcissists they’re doing something that they could do better or you offer constructive criticism or you give them a little hint about a way they could make their life easier? Their first step is going to be to freak out on you and rage all over the place. So if you want to keep peace with a narcissist, the best thing you can do here is to just let them make their own mistakes.
If you do need to let them know something, say you work with them or it’s something that you’re directly affected by, you can say something a little bit more narc friendly, such as, you are doing such an amazing job on this, you know I’ve heard some great suggestions and maybe we can work together to kind of figure out how to do it better or maybe you can say I was just thinking but there was this idea
I heard you say five weeks ago,a month ago, whatever and it looks like this, blah,blah,blah. Once again, you’re giving them credit for your ideas, but you’re keeping the peace. I don’t think you should always keep the peace with narcissists. I think the best thing you can do with a narcissist is to always go no contact, but you and I both know it doesn’t always work that way. It isn’t always that easy and it can’t always happen overnight, So in the meantime, if you’re dealing with a toxic person, know their trigger phrases, know the things that are going to make them rage on you and avoid saying those things to them.
So when you’re dealing with a narcissist the easiest way to really grab hold of them and kind of keep them as calm as possible is number one, never say anything negative about them or to them about them. Number two; anytime you must criticize them for anything, do so with a compliment buried in or make them think it was their idea-whatever change you’re proposing. Number three; never talk about yourself too much to a narcissist, because really they only wanted to come back to themselves once they’re through the love-bombing part. Number four, remember the doggy factor. Narcissists, if they’re doing something that you don’t mind, they’re love bombing, they’re being decent to you, reward them with your attention. If they start treating you like crap, devaluing you, whatever, ignore them, because the worst thing you can do to a narcissist is to ignore them. The best thing you can do for yourself is to ignore them.
Keep this in mind. I’m gonna share a playlist with you right here on things narcissists say and how to respond to them, so that you can get a little bit more information about this and maybe have a little fun in the process. Just remember that narcissists don’t change. Nothing you can say or do will really make a difference in who they become and who they are. So like I said, keep your eye on the truth, know what the truth is, don’t fall for the love bombing, don’t fall for the hoovering, be aware of what you’re really dealing with and as soon as you can, go no contact for that person.
I promise you, you won’t regret it. Hey, thanks to my channel members and to everyone who watches my videos, as always, thank you so much for being a part of my day and a part of my life and hey thanks for let me be a part of yours. It really does mean a lot to me. I’ll see you soon.
When we get involved with narcissists and other toxic kinds of people, sometimes, it’s really hard for us to just move forward – to let go of both the narcissist and the person we THOUGHT we were signing up for, once the final discard takes place.
So, are you stuck and feeling like you need to let go – do you want to fully detach yourself from a narcissist in your life? If that sounds familiar, pull out your journal and ask yourself a few questions.
Which relationships in your life have become toxic? (Is your relationship toxic? Take the quiz)
What keeps you feeling stuck?
What would you enjoy changing in your personal life?
What do you want that you’re not getting as a result of this relationship?
What situations in your life aren’t working anymore?
What huge change are you putting off?
Do you stay stuck because it’s scary to make big life changes? (Does it seem like “the wolf you know” is better than the one you don’t?)
What personal changes, possibly even an overall change of direction, might make you happier?
Detaching from the narcissist is merely arriving at a decision to finally let go – no more allowing something from the past tense to influence your life today or to cut down your inner sense of peace and wellbeing. So all we have to do is to relinquish the beliefs and mental attitudes that keep us from receiving the pleasure of the moment. The issue comes in discovering precisely what that means; we have so many notions that keep us from living in the present moment, from becoming content and peaceful inside.
In addition to the commitment, we need to make to intentional vibration management, we have to use our sense of logic and our thinking ability to get past feeling stuck. Our information, our understanding, our beliefs and our perception are within our control. We have the ability to figure out and understand things on a logical level, through research, interaction with others and personal experience. We can then take that information and marry it to our emotions, which allows us to reassess them and process them more effectively, in my experience.
On top of this, once these emotions have been processed, we can choose to see things in the most positive possible way and we do this with personally affirming ourselves in the process, we can create our own empowerment.
Gray rock is a simple but highly effective way of dealing with narcissists, and in a nutshell, it means that you respond to the narcissist as briefly, and factually as possible. You don’t give them any of your emotions when you use gray rock; instead, you keep it as boring as you can: monotone, detached and as vague as possible.
Then, if the narcissist treats you badly, you simply ignore it. You go on as though they hadn’t reacted at all.
If they act like they aren’t “getting” what you’re doing, keep up with it and ignore it. Same goes for what to do if they irritate or upset you – keep going and ignore their response.