When the Narcissist’s New Wife Acts as a Flying Monkey with Your Kids – A fellow survivor wrote to me asking how she could support her kids when her narcissistic ex-husband’s new wife is acting as his flying monkey.
According to her, this narcissist has put his new source of narcissistic supply in place as his mouthpiece and the kids feel like they are being reinjured as a result.
In this video, I’ll explain exactly what this mother can do to support her kids in this situation.
What do you do when you get divorced from a narcissist and you still have children together and then the narcissist gets remarried and their new spouse becomes a flying monkey. How do you deal with that?
Well, that’s exactly what we’re talking about today at QueenBeeing.com.
So let’s get started (Closed captioning provided by Athena Moberg
My name is Angie Atkinson and this is toxic relationship rehab where I help you to discover, understand and overcome narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships. If that sounds good to you, hit that subscribe button and let’s get going.
So today we’re talking about a question from a viewer and the question she asked is regarding narcissists new spouses, new sources of narcissistic supply and children.
Her question reads: My ex and the father of my children has remarried quickly…of course. His new wife seems to be a flying monkey. I haven’t seen any narcissistic abuse coach address the new wife as a flying monkey. She seems to be his mouthpiece for our children. The children are all young adults mostly and they seem like they understand, but they still feel like she is reinjuring them.
Well, let’s talk about it. Chances are that you’re already aware of the fact that dealing with a narcissist parent in any
capacity puts a child at serious risk for long-term emotional and psychological trauma obviously, the more you can do to support them, in this case, the better, but there are a few things you have to remember first.
Number 1; you can’t make this about something you’ve done wrong. You can’t blame yourself for this situation. So if you are struggling with feelings of self-blame or regret or “I’m sorry that I’ve made that person my children’s father” or whatever it is, recognize that we all feel that way once we recognize what we’re going through.
It’s not just you, but you also have to recognize that it’s not your fault. You didn’t sign up to be with a narcissist and chances are you didn’t recognize it until it was far too late. The fact of the matter is narcissists are really good at sucking people in during love bombing, which we also call idealization. Narcissists very often hide their true nature and some of them hide it long enough that we end up having children with them.
Some of them come out with it sooner, but we don’t recognize it because maybe we grew up in a toxic home or there’s also the fact that this type of abuse is incredibly subtle, hard to detect sometimes, especially because very often the narcissist blames you or the source of narcissistic supply for the problem.
Anyway, whatever the reason was that you chose to get involved with this person, now you know better and that is good, but if you sit around and you stress yourself out and you waste your energy wishing you hadn’t done this or worrying about the effects on your kids, this is only gonna make things worse for both you and your kids in this case.
You said most of your kids are young adults, which is positive because now you can explain things to them in a really specific way, in fact you could even teach them about narcissism and dealing with the flying Monkey stepmother probably is more common than we would like to admit, same for a flying monkey stepfather if we’re being honest, but how do you support your kids in this situation?
What do you do to make sure that they don’t get further damaged by the new stepparent? I think the most important thing you can do here is to make sure that you personally validate your children as often as you can when it’s appropriate to do that and of course respect them and their personal space and their own needs and protect them where you can.
We can’t change the fact that their other parent is a narcissist and unfortunately, that’s something that your kids will have to come to term with, but what we can do is we can help your kids break the cycle, so that when they get to the place where they’re having children, they get into relationships things like that, we can help to educate them so that they don’t choose the wrong partners and they don’t end up subjecting their own kids to what they’ve gone through.
And you can do a lot to help make it better for your kids. You can help them develop coping skills. Like I said before validating their feelings is a huge part of all of this. A narcissistic parent, by nature, invalidates their children, their spouse, anyone that’s in their inner circle. This may include the flying monkey stepparent, but that’s not your concern here. Validating their feelings will allow them to recognize, number one; I’m not crazy. Number two, my feelings are real and my feelings are valid.
I know growing up that one of the biggest things I struggled with was feeling like my feelings weren’t real and they weren’t valid and I didn’t matter. If you’re familiar with the typical toxic family structure, the child who tends to be the scapegoat child is the one that you really have to pay attention to here.
This is the child that is constantly targeted by the narcissist and to validate the scapegoat child could change their lives so quickly for the better.
You need to let them know that it’s okay to be angry and that their feelings are justified, they have a right to be angry and that they don’t deserve what
has been happening to them and that they deserve to be loved and cherished like everyone else. Now, something a lot of people won’t say
to you is also to keep your eye on that golden child and the lost child.
Sure, the golden child may have had certain validation from the parent, but it’s almost never about the child, it’s almost always about how the parent sees him or herself reflecting on the child and the lost child, that’s the one you really need to watch out for.
The lost child, just like the scapegoat may feel very invalidated and very upset and very angry. Their feelings are real and valid and important. They need to feel heard. Whoever your kids are, however they fell into the toxic family structure, each of them needs validation of their feelings, each of them needs to know that their feelings are real, they’re allowed to have them and that they are justified.
A lot of times, we might find ourselves wanting to deny what happened or pretend it didn’t happen or pretend it wasn’t as bad as it was, because we feel like we’re protecting ourselves or we’re protecting our kids, but in reality that’s the opposite of what we need to do as parents of a child who has a
narcissistic parent and the same goes for the flying monkey. You want to help your kids not blame themselves. You want to help them understand that this is not their fault.
We know that narcissists love to blame other people for everything and they don’t take any responsibility on their own, so if a narcissist, there’s a temper tantrum or a fit or has a lot of complaints to say, they’ll usually claim that the problem
is you, you made them do that somehow, you made them have all the complaints or you made them have a problem with you and the same goes for your kids.
Narcissists need to believe that they’re above everyone else, they’re too good for that stuff. See, they have to think that they’re above it because they need to like cover themselves or protect themselves from seeing the actual truth about themselves. In reality, they feel inferior, blaming other people including and especially sometimes the scapegoated child/adult or otherwise.
Well, it’s like second nature for the narcissist, something they literally almost need to do. So, how do you help your kids? So helping them understand the truth and helping them understand what they’ve gone through, that the blame is not right, that it’s not acceptable, it’s unfounded, it isn’t real. it’s not their fault. Well, that’s gonna go a long way for the kids.
It’s gonna really take a burden off their shoulders if you will. So, depending on the age of your kids, I know in your case you said they were young adults,
like I said, you can tell them everything. For kids of different ages, just tell them what you can tell them given their age and intellectual ability to understand without demonizing the other parent.
Tell them the facts not the feelings and teach them how to deal with what happens from that point, as much as you can, teach them how to gray rock.
When it comes to the flying monkey stepparent, we have a whole other ball of wax here, but bottom line as long as your children are understanding – Hey, this isn’t acceptable. Hey, this person is also a victim to your narcissistic parent. Hey, this person is doing your father’s bidding, whatever it is,
they need to understand it from a logical perspective. From an emotional perspective, they have to understand their parent is incapable of validating them.
So this leads you to help them feel validated as we discussed. As parents, one of the most important things we can do for our kids is to teach them resilience, to teach them that they are deserving and worthy of love, to show them all of these things, to help them learn how to stand on their own two feet to get through life’s hardest parts.
So you can model this for them personally by of course being resilient in your own life and by giving them the unconditional love of which the narcissist is incapable and of course, then you can also show them through your own actions, through your own behavior and the way you live your life
what it means to have empathy for other people and how a person lives when they have empathy, how they behave toward other people.
You of course always want to encourage them and lift them up as much as you can for anything they’re doing in their life that’s right and healthy and good, but don’t give fake compliments. Don’t say, oh I’m so proud of you for, you know losing your job or something like that, say instead if they lost their job;
I’m so excited and proud of you that you’re looking for a new job already, it’s just been ten hours and there you are putting your resume together. So essentially it kind of supports their understanding of what competence is and it supports their ability to feel competent and to actually be competent, so you’re not lying to them, you’re not telling them – Oh, you’re amazing when they’re not.
You saying, hey, specifically I’m proud of you for this thing that you’re doing and I want to encourage you to keep doing that or hey, it’s really cool that you’re making the choice to stop doing this thing, and I want to encourage you to stay on that path, whatever that is.
And of course, you want to reinforce their ability to feel self-confident as much as you can and teach them to listen to themselves, listen to their own instincts, listen to what it is they feel when they’re around someone, because that lesson, that ability to understand how you feel when you’re around another person, that’s really the key to figuring out who’s toxic and who’s not in your life.
If you really think about it, if you’re spending time with someone and you don’t ever feel comfortable around that person, you don’t ever kind of let your guard down and feel relaxed around that person, that person probably isn’t good for your life, whether you want to call them toxic or you want to call them
a narcissist or whatever you want to call them, if someone makes you feel yucky every time you spend time with them, that’s a sign that person probably doesn’t belong in your everyday life.
The last thing I would say is that you might notice that your children tend to take out their anger on you sometimes or at least vent their anger to you and you might feel frustrated and overwhelmed by this, especially if it’s still kind of a new, painful situation for you, in which case I would say make a point of not taking it personally. It’s hard to do it sometimes, but recognize what your children are saying, even if you can’t actually give them an answer, simply
validate them; Oh honey, I so understand how that feels. I wish there was something I could do to help you, but here’s a way that you can deal, you know, teach them the gray rock method, don’t show them your emotions, don’t give them your emotions.
They can refuse to speak to the stepmother if they want to, but that’s only going to cause the father to pull further away in this case and if that’s the case, in my opinion, so be it. If it’s a problem for your children and your children gonna have to make some choices, they’re gonna have to make the choice to either continue the relationship and a modified way or to let go of the relationship because it’s unhealthy for them. I hope that makes sense.
I’m gonna suggest to you that you watch this video right here to help you kind of get your head around what the kids are dealing with a little better and some other ways that you can support children of a narcissistic parent/adult or otherwise, take a look at that.
Parental Alienation and Narcissism – Whether you’re dealing with divorce or just custody issues, parental alienation syndrome can be incredibly difficult for everyone involved. Let’s discuss the parental alienation signs and typical presentation, plus the definition and why narcissistic parents use parental alienation against us.
A member posted in our SPANily Support Group for Co-Parenting with a Narcissist that her ex was making her son’s life more complicated by not taking him to regularly scheduled events for a group he was involved in, and a fellow member offered some really great (and very effective) advice. With her permission, I’m sharing it with you today. For now, she has asked that I credit her only as “Anonymous Survivor.”
Being Assertive vs Being Aggressive: How to Get the Judge to Hear What You Really Need Them to Hear in Court
By Anonymous Survivor
There is a difference between being assertive and being aggressive. Judges ignore aggressive behavior and hold both parties at fault. But they listen to assertive statements that focus on the BEHAVIOR itself.
For example, going into court and being angry, and feeling or saying things like, “he is an asshole/jerk/won’t do anything anyway,” will appear to the judge to be very aggressive. And while we all understand why you would feel that way and even act that way, this will only lead the judge to ignore you and see you as part of the problem.
If you want to reach the judge in a way that makes things better for both you and your son, try this more assertive style of communication.
Assertive Statements to Use in Court with a Narcissist
Following our agreement established with Judge ______, I contacted (your ex’s name) each time our child had an event with advanced notice, as shown in these printed out copies I have brought. (your ex’s name) refused to confirm. I sent follow up messages as per our agreement and (your ex’s name) did not respond.
I have interpreted the refusal to respond as (your ex’s name) being unable to take Child to the event, so I arrive to pick up the child as per our agreement to ensure (the child) does not miss out on the opportunity. When I arrive to pick the child up or call (the child), (your ex’s name) states that I am harassing him/her and blocks my phone number, preventing communication.
This artificially-created situation is a result of (your ex’s name) refusing to participate while simultaneously refusing my right to exercise the agreement we made.
As a result, (the child) is not attending events and this negatively impacts (the child).
Final Tip: Speak with the leaders of your child’s organization as well, simply stating you have reached out to dad to bring the child, but that dad will not answer and you’ve tried to bring child yourself, but have been refused. Ask if its possible for the child to make up events, move days, or otherwise have accommodation so that they can attend the event.
Your group leaders are QueenBeeing coaches Angie Atkinson, Lise Colucci, Colleen Brosnan and Misty Dawn. Each of us is a certified life coach and have experience co-parenting/parallel parenting with narcissists.
We are here to support you and we expect you to support our fellow survivors/parents in this group in return.
QueenBeeing.com offers all kinds of resources for support for people who are affected by narcissistic abuse and working on their recovery. That includes group support. We have both free and inexpensive options. Our other support groups currently include:
Divorce Support– Offers Support for Divorcing a Narcissist, Before, During and After. There is no greater emotional pain that can be inflicted on someone than divorce, whether you initiate it or your narcissistic partner does. Even if you have “seen it coming” for a while now, and the idea of it comes as no big surprise, the process itself will feel difficult and traumatic.
Support for Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents – If one or both of your parents were narcissists, chances are, you’re struggling more than you may realize. If you need support from people who have been where you are, this is the group for you. Facilitated by Angie Atkinson and Colleen Brosnan.
Boldly Evolving Empaths (QueenBeeing BEEs) – For those who have passed the discovery and understanding phases and are ready to push forward into the next phase in their lives. A free, private facebook group that’s professionally facilitated by our coaches Angie Atkinson and Lise Colucci and admin staff.
The SPANily Home – QueenBeeing.com’s OFF-FACBOOK private narcissistic abuse recovery and resource center. Closely monitored and managed by our team of certified narcissistic abuse recovery coaches. Pricing starts at $3.99 per month.
The faces of parental narcissism have a number of effects on the children – and as they become adult children of narcissists (ACON), their personalities are formed around this sort of misunderstanding of themselves as seen through the eyes of the narcissistic parent.
If you have (or know) a child who has a narcissistic parent or grandparent, you may be asking yourself how you can help them cope and what you can do to avoid the negative effects of being the child of a narcissist.
Whether you’re dealing with a covert narcissist mother or an “out there” narcissist father or grandparent, you are or were dealing with gaslighting and manipulation, to say the very least. In this video, I’ll explain the effects on the children in various stages and also how you can help them combat it.
Are you the adult child of a narcissistic mother?
Have you been affected by narcissistic abuse in your childhood and now you’re struggling? Are your narcissistic parents still messing with your life? Are you considering going no contact with your narcissistic mother or father? There is help and support available for you.
There really is an app for everything, including co-parenting with a toxic ex narcissist. In this video, I’ll share 7 apps designed to help deal with child support issues, custody issues, visitation schedules, and more. Plus, I’ll tell you about a new app Audiojoy created out of my narcissistic abuse recovery content.
A recent post in our SPANily Support for Co-Parenting With a Narcissist Group offers some amazing insight and additional helpful apps for co-parenting with a toxic ex. Check out these ideas and tips for apps that help with co-parenting with a narcissist from fellow narcissistic abuse survivors who have struggled with narcissistic abuse in a toxic relationship with their childrens’ other parent.
Mailtrack is an email tracker for Gmail that helps keep a record of when someone receives and reads your email. This can help you to know for sure that your ex has received and reviewed the emails you send and offers a record of this. It can be useful for court cases and for your own awareness of how manipulative the parent is being.
SPANily Member Comments:
Free to use or 60 per year for the paid version that automatically removes the logo.
Very reasonable cost in comparison to other trackers.
Use with Gmail in google chrome (it’s a chrome extension) or there is an Android version too.
It has saved me endless stress of x saying, “Oh, I must not have gotten that email!” (Even though I can see he has read it 16 times)
It really helps with my grey rock because I know he got the email and I know he is lying, so I don’t have that confusion and frustration.
From the App’s Authors:
Email Activity – See in your mailbox if your emails have been opened.
Your Data is Secure – Our software is privacy compliant and we never share data with 3rd parties.
Real-time Notifications – Receive real-time notification pop-ups when your emails are opened
Imazing offers you a way to download your text messages that can be used for custody cases in court. It’s helpful if you need evidence of narcissistic abuse and manipulation in regard to your child’s visits and communication.
SPANily Member Comments:
I use it to download text messages.
You can put the messages into PDF format.
The messages are date and time-stamped.
It costs $60-$80, but it is worth it.
From the App’s Authors:
Trusted software to transfer and save your music, messages, files, and data.
Alimentor2 is a child custody calendar app that offers court-admissible documents. It allows you to record everything and gives you a place to properly document everything that happens in relation to your child custody case. You can also use it to help monitor compliance with an already established custody agreement. It is totally free and has no in-app purchases.
Comments from SPANily Member
Great app to track parenting time (and deviations from it) calls, memos, screenshots, expenses, etc.
This is not an app you share with your ex; you use it for your record-keeping and for an organized printout for the judge.
From the App’s Authors:
Alimentor 2 has been designed to help you win a fair and realistic child custody agreement.
Once a child custody agreement is established, you can use Alimentor 2 to document and control the gap between your parenting plan and reality. Log pick‑ups and drop‑offs.
Add photos and PDF files. Control the timeshare percentage, total hours and overnights.
Call History – Log parent‑child calls (date, time, duration), including unanswered calls.
Child Support & Expense Tracking – Track due and paid amounts. Add receipts. Export data to a spreadsheet.
Custody Calendar – See how your custody schedule coincides with holidays and events stored in your device calendar.
Actual vs. Planned – Document deviations from the established visitation agreement or parenting plan.
Detailed Reports – Create comprehensive reports containing color-coded calendars and send them to the other parent or submit them to the court.
Timestamp Camera Basic is an app offered on both Apple and Android that offers you a way to easily timestamp your calls, photos, text messages and more. This can be hepful for preparing for a court case to fight the narcissist for custody of your child, and even for divorce cases in some situations.
SPANiy Member Comments:
It’s free and stamps your pic with date, time, and location.
Hard to argue that as proof for court.
From the App’s Authors:
Add current time and location when record or capture, you can change the time format or select the location around easily.
20 timestamp formats.
Change font, font color, font size.
Set timestamp in 6 positions: top left, top center, top right, bottom left, bottom center, bottom right.
Auto adds location.
Change timestamp opacity.
Display custom text and emoji on camera. For example, you can input “Good day at the zoo”.
Time effects are real-time and can be used when record or capture.
Custody X Change is an app offering tools for parents who are struggling to come together on a workable custody arrangement. When you’re dealing with a narcissistic co-parent, you need all the help you can get. In this case, you can use it to both negotiate and keep records of your agreement with your narcissistic ex. Your attorney can also access the app with your permission for court cases.
SPANily Member Comments:
Custody X Change has all kinds of useful resources for parenting agreements.
You can put in different schedules and see how they work over time.
It will even calculate the number of overnights when you customize.
It just helped me win my court case this week, so I’m happy.
From the App’s Authors:
Custody X Change is a powerful tool that helps parents create and track professional-quality parenting plans.
Use it to create your family’s parenting schedule
It can help you generate a customized parenting plan
Use it to view and print the time calculation graphs
It can help you track and journal what actually happens
Offers you the opportunity to be fully prepared for mediation and court