“No matter what you’re going through, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel and it may seem hard to get to it but you can do it and just keep working towards it and you’ll find the positive side of things.” ~Demi Lovato
The Brick Wall in Narcissistic Abuse and Toxic Relationships
If you ask me, being in a relationship with a narcissist feels a lot like running your head into the same brick wall, over and over. And despite the fact that it gets bloody and beaten, you don’t stop. You just keep running your head into the wall, hoping to get through it (and make it happy) – and while you logically realize, eventually, that there’s no breaking that wall down, and that the wall is not capable of change, something in you makes you keep hitting the wall, bloodying your head and hoping for different results.
How do you find hope when you’re dealing with narcissistic abuse?
So let’s talk about the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m about to wax philosophical on your ass, so get ready. If you’ve ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, you can probably agree that eventually, you stop living for yourself and start living to avoid the next blow-up, drama, or manipulation.
So many people have come to me as they were beginning the process of recovering from an abusive narcissist asking me how I was able to redefine and rediscover myself after escaping my own narcissistic abuse situation. And this is what I tell them.
As I see it, living without that kind of passion is sort of like living in the dark. Food doesn’t taste as good, the air doesn’t smell as nice, the colors don’t seem as bright.
Without passion in our lives, it’s as though there’s a barrier between our senses and the world around us, one which doesn’t allow us to fully experience our lives.
This barrier could present itself in the way of depression, anger, fear, or any number of debilitating emotions. Or maybe there’s a certain situation in our lives of which we’ve lost control. Maybe it’s simply that we’re bored, and that we’ve begun to take our blessings for granted.
This can lead to a very toxic state for our souls and even our bodies. But we can change our minds, and this can change our lives. Start now by trying this Bliss Mission.
Bliss Mission: Discover What Inspires You
Begin with figuring out what inspires you. Then, find a way to make it happen. This can help you to start living with passion, and living with passion is one of the first steps to becoming whole, to becoming truly happy.
Whatever your passion or inspiration, take some small step toward it today, and let the rest flow. If you’re not sure where to start, consider taking a walk to clear your head, or writing in a journal to work it out. You could draw or paint a picture, or cook your favorite meal. Take a bath or do a little yoga. Whatever works for you.
Tell yourself that today is the day that you begin living with passion and purpose. And then, my friends, do it. Your life will be richer and your heart will be happier.
Feel good! You ready? Let’s do this.
Resources to Help with Gaslighting in Narcissistic Abuse
Did you know breastfeeding isn’t for everyone? Well, believe it or not breastfeeding is not as easy as it looks! And this new mom could really use some help from some of you more experienced ones out there.
My Crazy Breastfeeding Attempts, Tongue Tie and ‘Helpful’ Nurses
While I was pregnant, I was so excited to breastfeed and have that bonding experience with my son.
Well as it turns out, in the hospital my son was having trouble latching on to my breast.
No one even mentioned that there was such a thing as a tongue tie.
And it kind of pisses me off, because if they had, I could have had them clip it in order to have that bonding experience with my son.
Instead the nurses told me to start supplementing, because he was losing to much weight. And being kinda new to this whole mother thing – I did what they said.
Ever since I have been trying to get my supply up. By pumping pumping pumping.
In fact I even purchased three different pumps in order to find the best one for my breast.
I was also eating lactation cookies, staying away from caffeine. The whole nine yards. None of it was working. I was devastated that I was only able to feed my baby formula.
That’s when I decided to…
Stop concerning my self so much about it, and to try to believe that it might just come naturally, And instead of pumping, to actually put him to the breast to feed. And just see where that got me.
So as of now, I’m working hard to get my supply up and still having that skin to skin mouth to breast time, regardless if he is getting any milk or not. So far, so good.
I could really use some advice – can anyone help me out? Have you had to try to re-lactate before? How’d you do it? What tips can you offer? Thanks in advance.
Fraudulent – that’s how I feel sometimes when people ask me how I’ve lost any sort of weight. It’s not that I’m not telling them the truth or that I am being dishonest, it’s just that the story is so involved.
Generally when people ask me about it, it’s after I’ve been to the gym and I’m standing there all aubergine in the face, sweat beads glistening drenched in sweat, and so pumped up on endorphins that I have a perma-grin nailed to my face.
I usually say what I’m doing right now, right this very moment of my life. I tell about my weekly routine but I feel like I’m shortchanging them somehow. I feel like I make it seem simple and that it’s just something I up and did one day, no prep work, no negativity, no failures – just that a gym opened in my office and “poof” I was there.
That’s of course not how it happened at all. Or did it? I mean, yes, the gym opened in my office and the very first day I was down there introducing myself to the trainers and setting up a meeting for my team to see all the shiny new equipment but is that really my story?
Unless asked, I tend to leave out the part where I had cognitive behavior therapy to deal with some serious food issues – binging, hiding food, shaming myself. I had issues that no book, website or friend could help me with. I needed the pros!
I leave out the eight month time span where I was in such a dark, anti-social place that I stopped eating lunch with my colleagues, people who I really liked, and spent my lunch hours in the office sandwich shop, table at the window, back to the world, nose in a book – any book. I even read crappy books just to not have to make eye contact. I may as well have draped a “do not disturb” sign down my back, as if it weren’t obvious enough.
Thoughts screamed in my head but I looked peaceful.
I feel like a fraud because what in the hell do I really know? Yeah, I’ve lost some weight and kept it off for the past two years. Yes, I am in the best physical shape I’ve been in for a very long time. Yes, my head feels like it is on straight for the first time in my adult life. Sure, I’m really happy with what is happening right now. I feel like I have unlocked the door to a healthy future for myself and I feel like I will never turn back.
But what does all of that even mean to somebody else?
Do I have all of the answers? Not hardly! Do I still struggle? Hell yeah! Am I at my goal weight or perfect weight or even close? Nope. So who am I to say anything?
I’ll tell you who I am.
I’m somebody who likes to share just in case there is some part of me or my story people can connect with.
I’m somebody who likes to help, if I can, even if I am not perfect.
I’m somebody who likes everybody to partake and feel part of the team. I don’t like to see somebody to sit on the sidelines because of their insecurities when in their heart they want to be in the thick of it all.
I’m somebody who gets real joy out of seeing other people succeed.
That’s who I am. And now you know. And now, I do too.
“A lot of people don’t enjoy their job, they may even hate it, but I am lucky enough to be able to make a living through my passion.” ~Martin Yan
Seven years ago, I was working a job I didn’t love. I had a cubicle (albeit a big one) and I lived in the corporate world.
My career, while it was interesting and certainly kept me busy, was completely unsatisfying.
What I really wanted was an opportunity to do what I really loved–to be a writer. I even took on all the writing work my corporate job would allow.
I wrote letters to patients and to insurance companies, forms, brochures, training manuals, articles for the company website and more–you name it, I wrote it.
And then, one day, it happened–I lost the job for no legitimate reason. My boss of just a few months (who I had trained myself) decided he didn’t like the fact that I was a female running an all-male department (very successfully, for the record).
When he fired me, I asked him for any legitimate reason or proof of my inability to do the job–he could provide none.
It was simply a case of office politics gone wrong, and at first, I was really upset and angry.
But I quickly realized that I had manifested the situation myself.
You see, while I didn’t absolutely hate my job, I definitely didn’t love it. I had to talk myself into going to work each day, and I watched the clock closely as those eight hours draaaaaaaged on each day.
I secretly hoped I’d be fired, because then, I thought, I’d have an opportunity to focus on my true passion–writing.
And that’s exactly what I got.
So, I started my freelance writing business. It took a couple of years to really start bringing in a “real” income, but I loved the work, and it was worth it to me.
(Tip: Want to get out of the rat race? Check out my work-at-home jobs board or my freelance writing jobs board over at Practical Freelance Writer’s Guide!)
I am so grateful to be among the ranks of people who get to get paid to do what they love, and I want everyone to have that opportunity.
That’s why, this week, Project Blissful will offer daily posts on work and career fulfillment. Along with my guest posters, I’ll be covering a variety of work and career-related topics each day this week.
We’ll cover how to know you’ve found your life’s work, how to stay sane at work, tips to improve productivity and working simple, and more.
Note from Angela: Part of my own ‘Project Blissful’ includes getting paid to do what I love, and I believe that most everyone is or will be happier when they are passionate about their work. Today’s guest post from Courtney Coumier offers tips and advice on how to find the job of your dreams through networking–both online and through more traditional methods.
The goal in life is to fulfill the American dream, and part of that has become finding a job that you actually enjoy. So besides finding a job that will pay the bills, you now need to look for something that is fulfilling to you. Something that not only adds to the quality of your life but won’t interfere with other parts of it.
Which leads us to the ultimate question: how do we find this “dream job?”
I wish I could tell you something simple and easy, like just ask Oprah, but unfortunately it is going to take a little bit of work. The main thing to do, at all times not just when you are looking for a job, is to network.
I know it may sound simple, but it is a step that is often over looked until you are pounding the pavement with your resume.
First off, what is networking?
It is not just telling people you are looking for a job. Networking is connecting with other professionals in the industry you hope to work in or that share an area of interest with you. Basically, making friends based on their professional field. It may sound silly to hunt for friends on the interwebs (and off) but in today’s job world it is still all about who you know.
Your professional network shouldn’t just be there to help you find a job; they can also help you with a question, or have advice on something you are going through. Think of it as a professional support system, except it’s free and won’t ask you to explain your feelings.
There are a lot of ways to build out your network; I’m partial to using online networking sites. I was always skeptical of Twitter, until I landed a job. It’s amazing how strong the communities on Twitter are; there is one for everyone. You can scope them out by searching hash tags relevant to you, I use #writers and #hfchat a lot to network with HR recruiters and other writers.
Another big site is Facebook, we already use Facebook to connect with family and friends, why not add a professional network within?
BeKnown is a recent Facebook app created by Monster.com to help aid people in creating professional networks.
The idea behind it is that your Facebook network holds just as much weight as your professional one, so why not merge the two? Before you start to worry, your personal Facebook profile stays private; you control what information is put out rather than the app.
Although networking online is fairly easy, and you can do it from anywhere, nothing beats making connections in person.
By joining different online communities, or looking for different professional networking events in your area, you can find a million new resources.
And remember, the most important things to bring to any networking event are a business card and a friendly attitude (cheesy, but true).
Introduce yourself and tell them why they could connect with you, what do you have to offer, but just highlight the top three things.
Hopefully this helps you realize that 1. Networking is not a wait and see game and 2. It can lead to amazing opportunities, such as that dream job you always wanted.
About the Author
Courtney Cormier is a community manager for Monster.com’s new Facebook application BeKnown. When she isn’t busy live tweeting for the Bachelor, or attempting to give relationship advice over at The College Crush she can be found perusing the web to catch up on the latest and greatest improvements in online networking. Connect with her on BeKnown, Twitter, and check out her blog!