Dating After Narcissistic Abuse

Dating After Narcissistic Abuse

Dating After  Narcissistic Abuse

Survivors Q&A

Dating after a toxic relationship for most of us is very scary and so many questions can come up. The following video replies to direct questions survivors have asked about dating again, friendships, trusting others, red flags and how to handle triggers that come up. Knowing how to be ready, when you are ready and how to protect yourself while dating, seeing things for what they are and many other topics were talked about in the video. If you are no where near ready to date you can take what is talked about and apply it to friendships, meeting new people, the work place or any other form of contact with others that may be what you want or need to begin engaging with alongside others. The following video is part one of two so be sure to subscribe and catch part two as well.

What questions do you have or what have you experienced dating again after being in a toxic relationship? Any tips that you would like to share with others to help find and form healthy attachment and safe relationships for our futures?

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery by QueenBeeing.com offers free video coaching each week on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays along with videos and help on recovery from toxic relationships. Featuring certified life coach Lise Colucci and supported by QueenBeeing founder and certified life coach Angie Atkinson.

Lise Colucci is a certified life coach, as well as a certified narcissistic abuse recovery coach. She is a long-time admin and mentor for the SPAN Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Group, actively helping survivors of narcissistic abuse in the expansive community to learn and heal.  Lise is passionate about providing coaching services that help her clients feel heard and validated as she guides them along their healing journey. For information on coaching, group coaching or to contact Lise check out the links below.

Join our private coaching group https://lifemakeoveracademy.teachable…

Get one-on-one coaching with Lise Colucci at https://queenbeeing.com/lise-colucci-…

Get notified free for free video coaching sessions by texting LISELIVE to 33222. Find Lise on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/lise.colucci… Email Lise at Coachlisec@gmail.com

 

Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive Dissonance, Feeling Conflicted and Trauma Bonds 

 

Cognitive Dissonance is the holding of two conflicting beliefs or values at the same time.You know the feeling of really not wanting to be with the narcissist ever again but then feeling the urge to contact them? That is just one example of cognitive dissonance.  When experiencing cognitive dissonance thoughts and emotions feel conflicted and can really cause you to experience self doubt as well as self blame and shame.  The trauma bonds we feel after narcissistic abuse are amplified by this state of cognitive dissonance making it really difficult to move on. For many survivors it can be very difficult to get to the point of acceptance of who the narcissist really is when feeling cognitive dissonance. The following video explains cognitive dissonance as it relates to narcissistic abuse and includes ideas and tips to help you with understanding what is  happening to you as well as to make changes to get past the cognitive dissonance. Please understand this is not your fault and a very normal thing to feel and experience when trauma bonded. Hang in there survivors, it really does get better!

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery by QueenBeeing.com offers free video coaching each week on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays along with videos and help on recovery from toxic relationships. Featuring certified life coach Lise Colucci and supported by QueenBeeing founder and certified life coach Angie Atkinson.

Lise Colucci is a certified life coach, as well as a certified narcissistic abuse recovery coach. She is a long-time admin and mentor for the SPAN Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Group, actively helping survivors of narcissistic abuse in the expansive community to learn and heal.  Lise is passionate about providing coaching services that help her clients feel heard and validated as she guides them along their healing journey. For information on coaching, group coaching or to contact Lise check out the links below.

Join our private coaching group https://lifemakeoveracademy.teachable…

Get one-on-one coaching with Lise Colucci at https://queenbeeing.com/lise-colucci-…

Get notified free for free video coaching sessions by texting LISELIVE to 33222. Find Lise on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/lise.colucci… Email Lise at Coachlisec@gmail.com

How and Why Narcissists Hoover

How and Why Narcissists Hoover

Have you been Hoovered?

What is a Hoover and why do the narcissists do this? Will they ever stop and what can you do about it to keep yourself away from the narcissist and heal trauma bonds? The Hoover is basically the narcissists attempt to suck you back in, to make you believe they have changed or to simply provoke you in order to gain supply. The majority of narcissistic abuse survivors have experienced a Hoover in some form or another. Some attempts at sucking you back in may be subtle and covert while others may be negative attempts to get your attention focused back onto the narcissist. Some narcissists claim they have changed and tell you they will make things better or even seek therapy for their issues. Understanding the truth about narcissism can help you make decisions based on knowledge rather than the illusions the narcissist is trying to create to entice you back.  The narcissist does not like to let go of what they feel is theirs, mainly the supply they take from you. In the following video I talk about types of Hoovers, what the Hoovers may really mean and ways to protect yourself.

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery by QueenBeeing.com offers free video coaching each week on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays along with videos and help on recovery from toxic relationships. Featuring certified life coach Lise Colucci and supported by QueenBeeing founder and certified life coach Angie Atkinson.

Lise Colucci is a certified life coach, as well as a certified narcissistic abuse recovery coach. She is a long-time admin and mentor for the SPAN Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Group, actively helping survivors of narcissistic abuse in the expansive community to learn and heal.  Lise is passionate about providing coaching services that help her clients feel heard and validated as she guides them along their healing journey. For information on coaching, group coaching or to contact Lise check out the links below.

Join our private coaching group https://lifemakeoveracademy.teachable…

Get one-on-one coaching with Lise Colucci at https://queenbeeing.com/lise-colucci-…

Get notified free for free video coaching sessions by texting LISELIVE to 33222. Find Lise on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/lise.colucci… Email Lise at Coachlisec@gmail.com

Silenced by a Narcissist

Silenced by a Narcissist

Have you felt silenced by a narcissistic abuser? Here are a few of the ways a narcissist uses to silence you and diminish your self-worth. Thoughts or comments?

Lise Colucci is one of the narcissistic abuse recovery life coaches at QueenBeeing.com. For info or to schedule a coaching appointment with Lise go to https://queenbeeing.com/lise-colucci-c

To contact Lise email CoachLIseC@gmail.com and text LISELIVE to 33222 and Lise will text you a notification a few minutes before she goes live each time.

Raised by a Narcissistic Mother? Shocking Insight Into Long-Term Effects You Need to Understand

Raised by a Narcissistic Mother? Shocking Insight Into Long-Term Effects You Need to Understand

I happened to come across a series of poetry written by a 15-year-old girl who was the daughter of a narcissistic mother. While they may seem amateur and angsty, the experiences and the emotions of this kid as she navigated the waters of having a toxic parent are pretty clear.

I want to share them with you today in an effort to show you, without question, exactly what goes on inside the head of a daughter of a narcissistic mother. And I want to be able to finally give this girl a voice – one she should’ve always had, but one that was denied her for so many years.

Maybe you’ll relate to this because your own mother is a narcissist. Maybe you want to read them because your wife is a narcissist and you want to understand how your kids feel better, or how to protect them from her manipulation and psychological warfare.

Let’s take a look at the poems.

Family

Family

Tears fall from my eyes
I care not to claim my family ties.
They hold me down, they let me out a bit –
But then pull me back again,
only to find things worse.
The others –
they’ve got it so good.
But they don’t know it.
They don’t live with me.
I wonder why they try to make it seem so bad?
Why do they try?

This poem seems to point to the obvious toxic family dynamic, in which the author feels oppressed and invisible in her own family and jealous of her friends who have parents who actually seem to care about them in a way her own do not. 

Enemy

Enemy

The world is your enemy, my child.
Believe not what they tell you.
When they tell you that they love you, they lie.
The world is your enemy, my child.
They care not about you.
They only want what you have to give.
The world, my child, is your enemy.

This poem points to the perspective of the world the author has developed up to this point. She doesn’t trust her primary caregiver, and this leads her to doubt the entire world. 

Up to this point, everyone has left her feeling abandoned, lost, alone and not good enough. She feels like she needs to be completely self-reliant. (Future glimpse: Ironically, less than 10 years later, she would find herself married to yet another narcissist.)

Untitled (Trust No One)

Trust no one.
You have no one to trust.
The world is a liar – it won’t stay faithful.
Lies only hurt more than truth.
Actions speak.
Where to turn?
I am lost.
I have no one to confide in.
I shall soon be a flat little pile of emotion,
with no purpose to life,
except to be sick
and in pain.
I am dying.
I am going now
to speed up the process.

The dark sentiments continue in this poem, which the author left untitled, written immediately after a betrayal by her toxic mother. She feels alone and seems to be in gut-wrenching emotional pain. 

As you can see, the author feels completely destroyed and like she is living in absolute hell at the hands of a completely unempathetic mother that she can not escape.

Love?

Love?

Confidence slain
By harsh words,
I cry.
I know not what to do.
She hurts me,
but then
expects love
and respect.
She only receives
deep resent
and hatred,
and death wishes.
Death should be granted to the lonely,
the miserable,
and the mothers.
Hell is for me.

This poem digs into the toxic parenting a bit, discussing how she has been humiliated and emotionally devastated by the toxic mother’s behavior. She feels oppressed and silenced as she relives the trauma of having been called out in a public way. She painfully remembers the faces and the way they looked at her in the moment and begs for peace as she recognizes that the kind of “love” her mother gives her isn’t real – that it’s toxic. And she’s feeling like she can’t get out of this unless she ends her own life.

Alone

Alone

Leave.
I beg you silently,
Leave me alone.
I do not want your
“love” or “affection.”
I want you to
leave me alone.
Your kind of love
is not the kind of love I need.
Humiliation
is not a good teacher.
The names…
The faces…
The feelings…
Garbled up with you
to me, spell SUICIDE.
Please,
I beg of you,
Leave me alone.

In this poem, the author makes it clear that she has been emotionally abused by her narcissistic mother and has described in no uncertain terms exactly how that feels to her.

It Is Depression

It is Depression

It is depression when it hurts to smile.
She makes me cry with just a look. She hates me.
Why does she keep me around
if she hates me?
It is depression when you know
that your own mother hates you.
I carry this weight
that I do not need.
It is depression when you
have no will power.
It is depression when you
are me.
I am depression.

In this poem, the author expresses how it feels to be in a deep, situational depression where she isn’t functioning on a healthy level as a direct result of the abuse she’s experiencing at the hands of her narcissistic mother

She describes how her mother can just look at her and bring her to tears, and makes it clear that she feels like her mother hates her. She feels the psychological weight of oppression and is angry at herself for not being able to stand up for herself.

Who was this mysterious poet?

If you’ve stuck with me this long, you might have already figured out that this teenager was me. (You can read my whole story here.)

I found these poems while digging through boxes of my old writing a few months ago and I saved them to share with you for a couple of reasons.

First, reading them back made me recall how it felt to be raised by such a person. And in a way, they sort of validated me. It’s easy to develop abuse amnesia, even when you do what I do for a living. It’s easy to forget how difficult it was to go through the pain we did. And it’s easy to wonder if it really was that bad.

The silver lining in all of this is that my son is currently 15, and finding these poems gave me some insight for which I am grateful: I have given my kids something that I always intended to give them – the support and encouragement they need to see themselves as “real people,” who are whole, legitimate and deserving of being heard. The knowledge that their thoughts, feelings, beliefs and ideas are valid and worth discussing. The understanding that they are unconditionally loved and that they deserve to be happy and healthy and safe in their lives. The power of their own voices.

So, if you are here because you want to know what to do to prevent your own kids from experiencing this pain, or because you need to find a way to reparent your own inner child, then this is the bottom line on what you need to express and what you need them to know about themselves.

1. You are a real person who is whole, legitimate and worth being heard.
2. Your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and ideas are valid and worth discussing.
3. You are loved unconditionally and you deserve to be happy, healthy and safe in your life.
4. Your own voice has power and should be used to express yourself with love.

Take the Toxic Mother Quiz

Does this stuff feel familiar to you? Are you wondering if you’re the daughter (or son) of a narcissistic mother? If so, you might want to take this quiz. Your results will direct you to some additional helpful information about being the child of a narcissistic parent and how to heal. 

Trauma Bonds and Ways to Heal

Trauma Bonds and Ways to Heal

Being trauma bonded to an abuser is being tied to something you know harms you yet still feeling unable to get away. The emotional ties alone are confusing and challenging. Have you experienced this or wonder what a trauma bond is? Here are a few ways to help you break those bonds too . What are your thoughts or experiences?

Lise Colucci is one of the narcissistic abuse recovery life coaches at QueenBeeing.com.  For info  or to schedule a coaching appointment with Lise go to https://queenbeeing.com/lise-colucci-c

Join The QueenBeeing SPANily (Support for People Affected by Narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships) – AKA “The SPANily” – at https://queenbeeing.com/span.

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