Healing the Inner Child After Narcissistic Abuse

Healing the Inner Child After Narcissistic Abuse

I’m not enough.

I don’t fit in.

I can’t seem to be heard, no one listens.

No one really knows me or wants to.

Nothing I do is right.

No one will love me, I’m unlovable.  

Who taught you these were truths? Why can’t you think differently even if you know they are not true? Why do you believe these limiting statements? How can you move past these beliefs? I’m sure you can see how gaining perspective and changing these beliefs could improve your life. Let’s talk about a few ways to understand and begin making that change. 

Your inner child is crying out to be loved and heard

Many survivors of emotional abuse experienced things in childhood that set belief patterns for their adult life that sound similar to the ones above. Your inner child, a part of your personality that still reacts and feels like the child you were, may be calling out to be validated and loved and when you do this for yourself you can begin to heal. If you were taught you are unlovable by people who can not love, logically you can see it is their shortcoming but a part of you still holds the feelings of being unlovable as your own truth. If you were taught you can only get acceptance for being perfect, even though now you know that’s impossible for anyone to do, you may still feel the “flaws” you have as reasons you don’t deserve love. These feelings may be locked into a part of yourself that relates to your inner child. Getting what you needed and still need is now a journey of self-care

How to find your inner child

There are a lot of ways to seek and experience your inner child. Many tips are unrelated to narcissistic abuse survival so I’ll give you one example of what survivors have told me over and over which helped them find their inner child. Tracing back the beliefs you have about yourself to childhood “programming” by adults in your life and then seeing how the child you were must have experienced that. Being raised by toxic parents, in particular, can lead to many beliefs about yourself that are limiting and even toxic to your healing. The child you were experiencing those beliefs as a reality. 

Ways to heal your inner child

Once you are able to identify what your inner child is, what can you do to help? Most survivors of toxic upbringings have something in common, they never felt validated or heard. Your inner child may really need to be heard and held. We often explain away to old hurts and never really take the time to quietly listen to the needs we had as a child.

Questions to Ask Your Inner Child

Asking yourself questions can give you ideas for how to help yourself.

  • What does this child need?
  • What is this child feeling?
  • What would the child like to have happen right now?
  • What is a source of comfort and safety for this child?

Once an answer to any of these questions arises, simply start giving your inner child what they need. Visualize yourself as a child and listen to all that child needs to tell you. Spend some time asking and giving to yourself in this way then affirm to the child within that you are there, always have been and always will be. Offer a safe adult to turn to when things hurt or get scary. Be that for yourself with intention and love. 

Write to Your Inner Child

Writing a letter or journaling to your inner child is another technique suggested and used by many people. This can give you a safe way to not only express what you need to say but to also receive words of kindness and nurturing directly from the person that knows what you need best – you. In being there for yourself in this way include words and phrases that you would tell a child who is experiencing the things you experienced. 

Treat your inner child with THIS kind of love

Consider what you would tell your own child or a child you know personally. What would you tell your own son or daughter who was in the kind of pain you once experienced? Tell that to yourself. Every time you hear negative self talk use the words you would give to your own child towards yourself. 

Check in with your inner child

Check-ins with your inner child when situations in life cause you pain or grief may also help you to honor and nurture your inner child. You may also find benefit by checking in with your inner child when you have successes as well. Talking to, writing to, or just thinking about the child within during times in your life where you feel a lot of emotion can help by adding validation both to your current situation as well as your past. 

Get therapy or coaching to heal your inner child

Seeking the help of a therapist can be another approach to doing inner child work. Having the therapist there to guide and help you with the issues that come up for many people is invaluable to their healing. Coaching with a narcissistic abuse recovery coach can offer ways to begin to question the beliefs set up in your childhood and to shift perspective on those beliefs. Some people combine both to really begin a self-discovery journey while healing from abuse. Finding a trauma-focused and knowledgeable person to help is highly recommended.

Get more information on inner child healing in this playlist.

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50 Red Flags That Should Make You Run the Other Direction: Narcissists and Toxic People

50 Red Flags That Should Make You Run the Other Direction: Narcissists and Toxic People

How can you avoid letting a narcissist (or other toxic person) get close to you? What are some things you can watch for when you meet someone new? And what if you’re already dealing with someone who makes you wonder? You start by learning the red flags and watching for them.

First: Trust Your Gut

Before we get to the list of some of the red flags to look for, one thing to learn about yourself is how to trust your gut. Your gut, your instinct, intuition, ability to discern will often guide you away from toxic situations if you learn to listen to it, even when what you may want is presenting itself to you. For example, the charm of a narcissist, in the beginning, may show you all the things you feel you want like attention, focus, even what feels like connection but under it all you may have a sense something is really not right. You may feel anxiety or drained around this person. When you are not with the person you may feel uneasy about them or like their energy is “stuck”  to you and it just feels wrong, depleting, or as some describe it “icky”. Learning to listen to your gut over being swept away by any person can help you not only to see the red flags but to listen to their warning and take action to stay away from the potentially toxic person. 

50 Red Flags That Mean You’re Dealing with a Narcissist

There are many lists of red flags to watch out for. This list includes a few less talked about things that may be useful to help keep you from toxic relationships. Red flags are only a part of the picture and many of them can exist without a person being entirely toxic in a relationship. It is the combination of many red flags as well as your gut feeling that can help you determine if a relationship is healthy and right for your life. What can be learned from watching for red flags might be areas in your life to learn to have less tolerance for so that you are not engaging in relationships that do not create a happy, healthy life.  After narcissistic abuse, learning to trust yourself and your own judgment of others is ultimately what keeps you safe, red flags are one piece of that awareness. 

  1. You just feel “off” or on edge around someone.
  2. Seduction and charm. A narcissist will often have an allure that also feels empty and without true vulnerability on their part.
  3. Idealization. The creation of a role you are to play being set up by the narcissist that idealizes you or themselves instead of seeing you as a whole and authentic person. 
  4. The feeling of this person is familiar as if you know how to “understand” it. If you are a survivor of narcissistic abuse and especially if you grew up with toxic parents there may be a familiarity you feel that gets you to overlook the uneasy feelings your gut may be trying to warn you of.
  5. Self-centered talk. The narcissist may listen to you in order to gain information but the conversation feels like it revolves around them. They may even make it seem like they are relating to you so they can mirror and groom you.
  6. You may feel anxious around them like you are seeking approval or walking on eggshells. Try setting a boundary not only to see how they respond, but to test how you feel as well. 
  7. Boundaries are pushed and disregarded.
  8. You may feel manipulated
  9. Arrogance 
  10. Love bombing and over the top attention is a big red flag. 
  11. What empathy you may see seems lacking or not genuine.
  12. The situation seems too good to be true. You are unable to see the flaws in a person or they are only allowing you to see their “good” side.
  13. They want to know everything about you.
  14. They are not long out of a relationship and/or no time between relationships. Someone that moves on very fast, if they are even really single, generally is not a safe choice for a potential partner. 
  15. Makes friends easily but has no real long term friends. The friends they do have are activity-based only and their personality changes around each different group of friends
  16. They show you off, you may feel like a trophy.
  17. Sexually forceful
  18. Job stability issues
  19. Makes excuses, everyone else is to blame.
  20. All of their exes are crazy.
  21. They claim to be the ones who have to hold everything together.
  22. Far fetched stories of glory.
  23. You can’t imagine the “bad” side or their shortcomings.
  24. May appear helpless or to  need you.
  25. Things feel out of balance such as you like them more than they do you.
  26. Overtly meeting all of your vulnerability “needs” rapidly and early on in a relationship.
  27. Future Faking
  28. They do  things to secure a position in your life. They may buy you things, fix things or otherwise set up a sort of dependency on them. 
  29. When the truth is revealed early on, the little warning words of truth are quickly glossed over or made to look like a joke.
  30. You find yourself doing more for them than seems or feels right to you.
  31. They make you feel uniquely special to the point of idealization.
  32. They set up situations or use words which make you feel insecure.
  33. Lies are explained away.
  34. Pet names when you first meet them.
  35.  You overlook a lot because you see their “potential” and feel like you could help them meet that potential.
  36. They want every second of your time.
  37. Constant texting.
  38. They make you feel bad about being with others.
  39. They take everything personally.
  40. They are jealous of your kids or family. 
  41. They lack accountability.
  42. They are judgemental and punitive.
  43. They treat others like possessions
  44. The relationship feels like a roller coaster.
  45.  They have sex addictions. Be cautious of fetishes and how they are with control.
  46. They ruin special occasions.
  47.  You are kept in limbo over events, time and other things that require commitment.
  48. You are isolated from friends and family.
  49. They need extreme amounts of praise.
  50. Your accomplishments and achievements are undermined.

This video playlist offers more red flags you can watch for in various situations.

Get personal support in your narcissistic abuse recovery.

Setting Boundaries with Toxic People

Setting Boundaries with Toxic People

Setting boundaries is the first step toward taking back your power after narcissistic abuse in a toxic relationship. I can’t think of a quicker way to regain personal power and your own sense of self in a situation than knowing what your boundaries might be and being able to set them with others. Toxic people notoriously will try to destroy your boundaries. They will use many forms of manipulation to make sure their will is asserted over yours and push your boundaries farther and farther back until you cease setting them.

What are boundaries?

Setting boundaries can be confusing when you may have never had healthy examples of them in your life. Boundaries can be many things including physical, material, mental, emotional, sexual or spiritual.  Boundaries create a separation between yourself and others including your needs, will, wishes and actions. They are your personal choice in saying no, in setting limits, in maintaining personal belongings, in having your own thoughts and opinion, in what you will do or won’t do with your body or in your feelings about personal beliefs or faith. You can see how a narcissist with their need to control and create a delusional reality based on THEIR own wants and need for supply would not want others to have boundaries plus do all they can to break down any boundaries a person may have.

Know your boundaries: what do you need?

Do you ever struggle with knowing what it is that you want or need? Do you then feel ok about creating the boundaries necessary to make sure those needs are met? Boundaries can be difficult enough without dealing with a toxic person as well. When you place a boundary in a healthy situation it can be difficult because of the fear of the reaction of others and your perceived beliefs about how others feel about you. WIth a toxic person, this is made worse because of the abuse. Not only that but have you noticed that the longer you are around toxic people the less you even know how you feel about things or what your needs even are? Having your thoughts and actions devalued and criticized really can lead to so much self-doubt that it can be hard to even know if what you are thinking is reasonable and right. One thing that can help to ask yourself, “what do I need?” or “ what do I think about this?” before replying to things. Knowing or even just asking that “includes you” –  it shows you that you matter and allows you to begin understanding where your boundaries are.

Learn to grey rock, say no and stick to it!

A narcissist will see any boundary you place as an invitation to argue, manipulate, or criticize you.  They may also see it as an ultimatum placed by you and give you anything from heated arguing to silent treatment because of it. As with all dealing with narcissistic abuse, it is not going to get better. One key characteristic trait of narcissistic abuse is the pushing and disregard of boundaries. Grey rock when your boundaries are not being respected, do not engage, argue, defend, plead or any other reaction besides calm indifference.

Here are a few tips for setting boundaries with a narcissist:

  • Know what you will not tolerate, understand where you personally draw the line. For example,  like name-calling, devaluing, silent treatment all will be met by grey rock and disengagement. You will not argue, plead, debate, defend or give much attention to such treatment
  • Set your own time/agenda. You choose how long you will wait, do things, sleep, eat, visit friends or family, or any other time/action related thing and all abusive manipulation will not be argued with or defended. Again, grey rock!
  • Do not have expectations that this will resolve anything within the relationship with a narcissist. Generally, this boundary-setting is a one-time event. Nothing will fix the relationship with a narcissist and living a life of grey rock is not a solution, it is a technique meant to help you diffuse a situation until you can get away.
  • Focus on your worth. You are a thinking, feeling and loving person whose needs are as valuable and important as anyone else’s. You deserve a say in your own life and that should be respected. Respect yourself while you place boundaries. Focus on yourself and your needs.
  • Exit plan! Create an exit plan and get away. Ideally, you will see you have worth and value far beyond the way you are treated by this toxic person and get away from them as far as you can. Going no contact is the ultimate boundary.

 

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Working the Phases of Trauma Recovery After Narcissistic Abuse

Working the Phases of Trauma Recovery After Narcissistic Abuse

We say the words, “DISCOVER, UNDERSTAND AND OVERCOME NARCISSISTIC ABUSE” often enough that many of you may be very familiar with that phrase. Let’s look a bit at how working the phases of trauma recovery after narcissistic abuse might look.  Each of these phases can go on simultaneously because healing from abuse is in layers. Different discoveries, understandings and overcomings happen at different times. There will be times during your recovery where you will feel like you are going backward but please do not be discouraged, this is normal.  Layers of healing and mountains of growth are what happens for anyone evolving out of toxic abuse into a thriving survivor.

DISCOVER

What we discover in this phase is not only about narcissistic abuse but about how the abuse affects us as survivors. You may come to a lot of realizations as you discover the things about narcissistic behaviors that make it abuse, realizations about how you feel as a survivor of abuse and also that you are not alone. Validation of the way you feel and that what you experienced truly is abuse is what can help you in this phase to realize you truly are not alone. There is a lot of information being taken in when in the discovery phase, it can cause a bit of overwhelm as well. Keep at the discovery and things will become more and more clear as you enter into the next phase of understanding.

UNDERSTAND

Understanding also can mean accepting that the toxic person truly is toxic. Seeing things as they are instead of how you wish they could be opens your mind to an understanding of the situation that helps you to break the trauma bonds and begin to recover. Understanding that this is not your fault can help you to gain more self-worth as well as be kind to yourself through the healing process. Understanding the abuse can help you to separate your own needs from those of the narcissist that you were groomed to emotionally “take care of” so that you can begin and continue to see the path to healing is in self-care, self- focus and letting go of the narcissist.

OVERCOME

Finally, you get to overcome this abuse and thrive! This is not an overnight thing that just happens. Often there is a huge “ah-ha” moment in the understanding phase that leads to a giant perspective shift which then helps you let go of the abuser. Through the overcoming phase there can be a lot of grief, feelings of loss, feelings of not really knowing oneself as well as other not so comfortable things. If you feel this, it is totally normal and part of the healing. What can happen is self-discovery and a renewed focus on your own life and wellbeing. This is where the deepening of healing can take you to great places, to discover and do things that truly create a beautiful life and that get you on the path you choose to be on. Keep the hope up as you overcome narcissistic abuse, you always were enough, you always were and still are worth it!

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6 Unique Eastern Teas that Help with Relaxation and Sleep

6 Unique Eastern Teas that Help with Relaxation and Sleep

What do you do when you’re stressed out? Do you grab a cup of tea or decide to take medicine? Regardless of what you do, it is better to grab a cup of herbal tea to provide relaxation to the brain. Teas have always held immense importance in providing calming effects on the brain. The history of herbal teas dates back to thousands of years that is why they are not new to this world. Despite their name, eastern and herbal teas are not true teas. They are made by immersing different ingredients in hot water. So here we will go through a list of few eastern teas you must drink:

  1. Chamomile Tea

If you are suffering from insomnia, chamomile tea is the best option for you. Not only does it help in providing a good nights’ sleep but also aids digestion. It is popular because of its calming effects, and thus, you can drink it at any time of the day. People who have a tough schedule at work often rely on chamomile tea because it relieves stress within seconds. More than 450 million people in the world suffer from anxiety issues, but chamomile tea is here to help.

  1. Ginger Tea

This tea is rich in antioxidants and can improve the immune system of the body fast. People who are recovering from addiction often drink ginger tea to fix the damage caused by the intake of harmful food and drinks. Ginger tea also helps in fighting inflammation and is an effective remedy to treat nausea. Women who are going through the early stages of pregnancy are suggested to drink ginger tea. Headache that is caused by constipation is also treated with ginger tea.

  1. Kratom Tea

Although this herb has no proven health benefits for the brain, still a lot of people consume it every day. With more than 160 million fans around the globe, fanatic kratom consumers love to drink a cup of kratom tea every day. People who drink this beverage claim it helps in providing relaxation to the mind and treats depression. People often shop kratom powder from kratom crazy at affordable prices. If you want to make kratom tea at home, all you need to do is cook kratom powder in hot water for 5 minutes.

  1. Passion Flower Tea

You will be surprised to know, the leaves, flowers, and stems of this plant are used in making passionflower tea. It was traditionally used to treat sleep, but now is very effective for anxiety. One research proves that drinking passionflower tea is helpful in treating the quality of sleep. You will be surprised to know, passionflower also helps in reducing the mental symptoms of anxiety, withdrawal, agitation, and irritability.

  1. Lemon Balm Tea

It has a light lemony flavor and a cute fragrance that is enticing enough for someone who is trying to run away from it. Research also proves that drinking lemon balm tea every day can help in improving the functioning of blood arteries. Not to forget, stiffness is acknowledged as a risk factor and can cause a stroke. So lemon balm tea is an ultimate lifesaver for those who want to stay active throughout the day. A cup after lunch can help in keeping you fresh for the rest of the day.

  1. Rooibos Tea

This tea has roots in South Africa but is a popular beverage in the East. It is made by immersing leaves of rooibos in hot water. This plant has always been used for medicinal purposes for a long time. Recent studies suggest rooibos tea is effective for treating kidney stones and allergies. Another interesting study shows rooibos can enhance bone health. So you must give it a try someday. People who suffer from anxiety often drink rooibos early in the morning.

 

 

 

6 Ways A Narcissist Manipulates

6 Ways A Narcissist Manipulates

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is confusing and can completely change the way you feel, think or believe things about yourself for a reason. They are constantly manipulating!  There are many forms of abuse and manipulation in the narcissists repertoire of toxic behavior, the following video gives a brief description of 6 of these. Understanding the ways you are being manipulated can help you to see the situation for what it is and  the narcissist for who they are. If breaking trauma bonds is the goal,  understanding and acceptance that the abuse is real is one thing needed to help you get there. What are some ways you feel you have been manipulated by a narcissist?

Check out other videos for more information on any of the 6 ways a narcissist manipulates at Narcissistic Abuse Recovery by QueenBeeing.com.

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery by QueenBeeing.com offers free video coaching each week on YouTube on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays along with videos and help on recovery from toxic relationships. Featuring certified life coach Lise Colucci and supported by QueenBeeing founder and certified life coach Angie Atkinson. 

If you are looking for an affordable way to get ongoing personalized support as well as peer support and validation in a small group setting join our private coaching group https://lifemakeoveracademy.teachable…

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