Being your authentic self sounds wise and all, but it’s not always easy for survivors of narcissistic abuse. The truth is that we often have to sort of rebuild ourselves – or maybe even invent ourselves for the first time. That’s one of the biggest problems we experience after abuse – not knowing who we really are.
I say it’s time to embrace YOU, the true and authentic YOU! Are you with me? It might not be easy, but it’s SO worth it! And it’s an important part of the evolution process that we go through as survivors after abuse.
And, hey. Did you know that being true to yourself has a range of benefits? Studies have shown that authenticity is more than a feel-good way of life, it is good for your health, relationships, even your career!
Here are some of the top benefits of living an authentic life.
1. Greater self-confidence. To live an authentic life has a significant effect on your self-confidence. You like yourself more, you trust your judgment, you acknowledge and work with your own unique set of skills and talents, and you make better choices that align with how you want to be. 2. More respect. As your confidence grows, you’ll inspire respect in others as they see you living in your truth. Everyone wants someone to look up to, and people recognize and respect authenticity. You’ll find yourself being a role model for others. 3. Greater trust. When people see you living in alignment with your values, see you being straightforwardly yourself, their trust in you will soar. And trustworthy people make great leaders. If you become known for being honest and trustworthy, you’re more likely to be promoted or given opportunities. 4. Better health. Living in alignment means you’re much more likely to take care of yourself, you’ll prioritize self-care, rest and balance. Researchers found that people committed to living an authentic life were more likely to eat healthy foods, exercise and get regular physical exams. Being your authentic self also sets you up for better mental health as you are calmer, less conflicted and are generally all around happier! 5. Greater resilience. People who are at peace with their true selves are much more resilient when it comes to dealing with life’s ups and downs. They deal better with stress, which in turn has great benefits for their physical health. They don’t spend their lives in the cortisol soup that comes from being highly stressed. 6. Better relationships. Being authentic leads to better relationships because you’re not pretending to be someone else. You can be honest and straightforward about who you are and what you value, without fear of being judged. You’re also better at managing boundaries and less judgmental of your partner.
And ultimately, living an authentic life means that when you come to the end of your natural life, there shouldn’t be any regrets! You’ve probably seen those lists of top regrets of the dying and resolved not to be one of those people. Start now by choosing to live authentically. Choose to be authentic and choose to be happy!
Learning to be assertive is one of the most important life skills you can develop. That’s true for anyone – but especially for narcissistic abuse survivors. Studies have shown that being assertive can lead to a whole host of benefits, from increased self-confidence to better relationships and improved mental and physical health.
What does it mean to be assertive?
Before you start trying to develop the strength you’ll need to make this happen, it’s important to understand what being assertive means. Psychologists define assertiveness as being able to express yourself effectively and stand up for your point of view while respecting the rights and beliefs of others. The basis of assertiveness is mutual respect and honesty. Assertive communicators are straightforward and know how to set and maintain healthy boundaries. Their relationships value and promote trust.
Why is it so important to be assertive in narcissistic abuse recovery?
‘When we have been in situations where we’ve dealt with narcissistic abuse, we often fall into the role of people-pleaser. We become codependent and end up allowing ourselves to be walked all over by the toxic people in our lives. As you go forward in your recovery from narcissistic abuse, you are going to go through a whole-self transformation, one that can change your life forever – and for the better. You’ll be living more authentically and you’ll be setting boundaries in ways you never have before. It can be a beautiful thing.
But, if you’re serious about living an authentic life and succeeding in reaching your goals, learning to be assertive is crucial. So let’s dig into this.
How do you learn to be assertive?
Take a few minutes and think about how you feel about your life right now. Ask yourself some simple questions.
Are you satisfied with your personal and professional situation?
Are you conflict-avoidant?
Do you worry about what other people think of you?
Do you often put aside your own wants and needs in favor of others?
Do you find that your relationships tend to be one-sided?
If you’re not happy with where you are now, the good news is that assertiveness is a habit that can be learned just like any other. With practice and commitment, you can change your mindset and live a life more aligned with your true values and aspirations.
Try these tips for becoming more assertive.
Decide what your priorities are and stick to them.
Work out your individual boundaries.
Develop a positive open posture and look people in the eye when you speak to them.
Use positive “I” statements about how you’re feeling instead of blaming or finding fault with the other person. Be especially wary of feeling tempted to say, “you always” or “you never.”
Get comfortable with saying “no’ to things you don’t want to or can’t do. Keep it simple and non-emotive and don’t feel you need to add an excuse or explanation.
Only use “sorry’ when it’s appropriate for the situation. You don’t need to apologize for saying no.
Offer alternative suggestions to proposals you don’t like.
Look for compromises.
Be honest and direct about your feelings, thoughts, and intentions.
Consider writing a script for a situation that feels awkward. Rehearse being confident.
Try to keep your focus on the impact of the situation and finding a way to work together to find a mutually satisfying solution.
Above all, being assertive means staying in your power, accepting that you have control over how you approach the situation and your feelings about it. Assertiveness won’t get you everything you want all the time, but you will feel in control and deal much better with situations that would have previously been stressful.
Helpful Resources for Narcissistic Abuse Survivors
Self-care focus group coaching with Lise starting next Tuesday.
5 week program
Here are a few ways this will benefit you:
Looking at where you can make changes to improve your life and healing.
Self-care beyond the manicure, beyond pampering.
Bring self-care to your daily life in things you already do.
Simple ways to make complex changes.
Individual attention with a group setting ton personalize your self-care focus.
Creating a self-love lifestyle.
Accountability to yourself through the group experience.
All phases and stages of healing are welcome to join and you will get help with where you are at personally. We will set up a group chat so you can help each other through the week and receive inspiration as well.
About me in this… I listen and am good at hearing the bigger picture. I help you to see your own inner wisdom and abilities through listening to your struggles. I also try to keep it fun 🙂 while suggesting ideas to help each person based on their own personal needs.
Times are either 11 am or 6 pm pacific on Tuesday’s for 5 weeks starting next Tuesday, September 4. You choose a time and that will be your group each week.
Cost is $75 for all 5 weeks ( non-refundable ) so it’s 5 weeks of group coaching for the price of 3 ( 2 free groups)
Check my schedule for the Self-care focus group coaching option to join! or email me at [email protected]
“If it’s so bad, why don’t you just leave already?”
If you ever feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells in your relationship, you might very well be dealing with a toxic narcissist. In today’s video, I’m sharing the cold, hard truth: the REAL reason you haven’t left your narcissist – as well as why it bothers you so much when people ask you why you are still sticking around.
In any case, let me ask you – are you currently involved with a narcissist?
If so, what would you add to the video? If not but you previously were, what are your best tips for getting and staying in control of your own life? Share your thoughts in the comments section, below. Let’s discuss it.
“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
Do you accept yourself for who you are, or are you the type of person who doesn’t feel comfortable in their own skin?
Does it kind of feel like you’re always in self-improvement mode? Like you are always trying to be someone else?
Feeling comfortable and accepting yourself is important if you want to lead a fulfilling and happy life. More than that, if you constantly focus on what’s wrong with you, you’re definitely going to find more things to complain about.
Try loving yourself instead – that makes it much easier to be happy as well as to manifest the good things you want in your life.
Here’s the thing – you might be ready to quit reading this post about now, ready to chalk me up to being another one of those quacks. But hold up! Not so fast.
It can happen. You can learn to make things go your way. And it all starts with one simple thing: the ability to fall madly in love with your very own self. No joke.
I promise you, you’ve got to love yourself before anything is ever going to change in your life. You might have to fake it a little at first. That’s okay. Just do it – because it’s totally worth your effort.
Ready to start changing your life?
Let’s take a look at how you can learn to know and love yourself like never before.
Self-Assessment: What Do I Want?
Start by reading over the following questions. Take a few minutes to jot down the answers in a notebook or document.
Who is the person that you want to become? Describe the ideal you in detail.
What are the things that you really care about?
Is there anything or anyone who you may lose if you start to live the life you truly want?
What one step can you take today to get closer to becoming the best possible version of yourself?
Write your answers out in detail. This way you have a full description of the person you want to become and why.
What to Expect When You’re Accepting (Yourself)
During this journey you also need to understand and accept that nobody is perfect – and that means all of us. We’ve all got our faults, and we’ve all gotta learn to live with them.
So, now that you’ve made the decision, it’s time. You’re finally ready to begin living your life the way you want to, and the way you deserve to!
Learn to Love Yourself
Sure, it sounds like it’s easier said than done, but what would the world be like for you if you were totally, madly, head-over-heels in love with yourself?
Maybe there are parts of yourself that you are extremely happy with, and of course, there might also be those that you hate.
Love Your Quirks
You have to stop hating on yourself and get busy changing your perception.
If you have habits that can be changed, great! That means you’ve got a place to start.
If you just have quirks, they’re just part of your personality. They identify what is unique about you, as a person. You need to accept and love your quirks!
I always say they’re just part of my charm.
In daily practice, the best place to start is to do the things that you can do – and to focus on the things that really make you feel awesome. Those are also the things that kind of show the world who you really are.
So if you’re itching to speak on something – then speak on! Never let the approval or disapproval of others stand in the way of your speaking your mind. You’ve got to be true to yourself if you’re ever going to be really happy.
Each night before you go to bed, ask yourself the following questions.
Was I the best possible version of myself today?
Did I make the right choices?
What could I have done better?
What was the brightest moment of my day?
What is the perfect vision of my perfect tomorrow.
Fall asleep with your perfect tomorrow in your mind’s eye. It’ll help you to begin to manifest the life you really want, because you’ll be drawing that beautiful, positive energy toward yourself.
Remember to be brave – don’t let fear prevent you from speaking your truth or doing what you need to do to be happy.
But that doesn’t mean you have to be rude about it – and you should always speak in love, whenever possible. Hate doesn’t foster the kind of change any of us really want.
Like I said, you might have to fake the whole “OMG I’M SO IN LOVE WITH MYSELF!!” thing for a minute – and that’s okay. Because once you master the art of “faking it,” you’ll be on the way to MAKING IT.
Maybe you won’t do the whole screaming it to yourself thing, either. But you’ve got to find a way to realize that YOU are a person who is worth that kind of love, and you’ve got to give it to yourself before you can get it or give it to anyone else.
I promise you, it won’t be boring, and it’ll be worth it when you see your life begin to resemble the one you really want. Don’t you think?
“Anytime new insight replaces an old assumption or a fossilized perception is the spring. New understandings sprout, new tolerances appear, and new curiosity draws you to previously dark places. Just as the sun shines earlier and longer in the spring, changes that seemed impossible appear to be possible with each new insight into your own health.” ~Gary Zukav
I don’t know about you, but I’m all about evolving and making life better. I love it when I have one of those “Eureka!” moments when everything just becomes totally clear to me. Sometimes it’s almost like being DRIVEN by a force outside of myself when I’m creating.
I always tell my kids that genius is less about WHAT YOU KNOW and more about your ability and desire to learn and retain information, and I truly believe it.
Creative inspiration feels so good, am I right? And when you can take it to that next level – the one where you are positively GENIUS, why wouldn’t you?
I mean, seriously. Isn’t it awesome when you’re about to give up hope of being able to solve a thorny dilemma, and then you experience a flash of insight that clarifies everything? Or when you’ve been working on some big concept or project and suddenly the idea that takes it to the next level hits you while you’re on the treadmill one morning?
Y’all know what I’m talking about – those moments of “creative genius.”
Despite what a lot of people think, it turns out that one doesn’t have to be born with this while “creative genius” factor in order to get those lovely strokes of inspiration that could literally change the world.
See, while these kinds of characteristics may seem like they’re ingrained and not something you can develop, scientific studies suggest otherwise.
In fact, there are entire books on this subject – such as the one written by author Roberta Ness called Genius Unmasked – focused on how you can develop genius.
And as one of the world’s most famous genius minds once quipped, genius is 99 percent perspiration, one percent inspiration. (Also? In case you wondered, it’s totally okay to step into your greatness.)
You can train yourself to enjoy more “genius” moments. These tips will help you find the answers you’ve been searching for.
How to Stay in the Right Mindset – The Genius Perspective
1. Study hard. While genius breakthroughs seem sudden, they’re often based on years of work. The more you learn, the easier it is to make connections between different facts.
2. Switch tasks. Studies have proven what many creative people have suspected. Switching your attention to another task can help you make progress with your original project, even when you’re feeling stumped.
3. Do something mundane. For strategic breaks, activities that require relatively little thought tend to work best. Try taking a shower or mopping the kitchen floor. Translating Russian poetry is likely to absorb all your mental powers.
4. Pause briefly. A short break is usually enough to help you move forward. On those days when you’re unable to leave the office, gaze out the window or walk to the mailroom.
5. Relax your mind. Looming deadlines and information overload can inhibit creativity. Clear your mind of distractions. Shut off your phone and put down your laptop. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths.
6. Adopt a fresh perspective. Functional fixity is a term psychologists use to describe why it’s difficult to see anything except the familiar uses of an object. When you’re at an impasse, challenge yourself to take a new approach. Imagine how you would travel to work if your usual route was blocked.
7. Daydream often. Let your mind wander. That’s when you come up with innovative solutions. Letting your imagination run free makes you more productive.
8. Move around. Physical activity loosens up your mind and body. Climb the stairs or stand up and do a few stretches by your desk.
9. Head outdoors. Contemplating nature reduces stress and raises awareness. Take a walk around the block or visit your local park.
10. Slow down. Most of all, schedule some down time each day. You’ll achieve more when you create opportunities for thoughts to incubate in your subconscious mind.
More Helpful Ideas to Finding Genius Inspiration to Create the Life You Want
1. Consider yourself an artist. Creative genius is often associated with famous painters and scientists, but we’ve each got the potential to have it. Creativity is a process that you can apply to anything from housework to jogging.
2. Write your ideas down. Hold onto your amazing discoveries. Jot down your thoughts before other events push them out of your head. (If you’re like me, this is a very serious issue! Writing stuff down can really make a huge difference.)
3. Give yourself credit. Remember that “aha” moments are something you create through your own efforts. You can manufacture more of them.
4. Look closer. The most meaningful experiences may give you a better understanding of your relationships and purpose in life. Meditation and prayer can deepen your understanding and appreciation of your loved ones and values.
5. Share your breakthroughs. Help others benefit from your genius. Most individuals share the same basic concerns, like wanting to feel connected or save money. Your neighbors may be thrilled to find out how you got rid of your crab grass. Your friends may be intrigued by how you persuaded your children to eat their vegetables.
Eureka moments come in handy whether you’re trying to remember the name of your third grade teacher or find the error in a calculus proof. Taking a break and letting your subconscious do the work may be the most effective way to resolve a tough question.