Is Silent Treatment a Form of Abuse?

Is Silent Treatment a Form of Abuse?

Are you getting the silent treatment after an argument with someone in your life? Does someone use the silent treatment as a form of punishment for when they feel annoyed or wronged? Do you feel exhausted and confused because you aren’t even sure what you’ve done wrong? 

The silent treatment is a form of avoidance that, in theory, accomplishes nothing other than escalating the situation. Logically, the victim becomes resentful and less interested in resolving the issue. But when you’re dealing with a toxic relationship that might involve a narcissist, the silent treatment is much more than it seems. 

Silent Treatment by Narcissist

When a narcissist enacts the silent treatment on you, the purpose is emotional manipulation, psychological control and ultimately, to get what he or she wants. Today, I’m going to share with you everything you need to know about the silent treatment. What is is, why it’s used, how it’s done, who uses this tactic and where you can use it to your advantage. 

What is the Silent Treatment?

The silent treatment is what we call it when someone stops speaking to you and/or recognizing your presence. They refuse to engage in communication with you in response to some conflict or problem in the relationship. It’s also called “stonewalling” or “the cold shoulder.”

Is the silent treatment a form of abuse?

Yes, the silent treatment is a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse. Used as a way to manipulate and control the victim, it can also be used as part of a strategy for psychological abuse that can cause complex post-traumatic distress disorder (C-PTSD) in its victims over time.

The Narcissist and the Silent Treatment

More On How to Deal with Silent Treatment

Is Silent Treatment a Form of Abuse?

Are you getting the silent treatment after an argument with someone in your life? Does someone use the silent treatment as a form of punishment for when they feel annoyed or wronged? Do you feel exhausted and confused because you aren't even sure what...

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On Narcissistic Rage and Narcissistic Injury

If you’ve ever been involved with a narcissist, you may be aware that when they don’t get what they want, they tend to display blatant narcissistic rage, and if that doesn’t work, they will jump right into narcissistic injury (or, vice versa). What Causes Narcissistic...

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Why Narcissists Ruin Holidays

We all know that narcissists and holidays are a toxic combination. You might ask yourself why narcissists ruin holidays or why narcissists hate holidays. Fact: dealing with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) at Christmas is essentially an act of...

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Narcissists and the Silent Treatment

Narcissists and the Silent Treatment - Are you getting the silent treatment from a narcissist? Have you experienced it before? In this video, we'll cover what it means when you get the silent treatment from someone with NPD and how you can deal with it. Sadly it's one...

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127 Examples of Narcissist Hoovering

1) create trouble in my life that he thought I'd go to him for help (i.e. put my number and name on sex site, continuous food orders past midnight, sent threats to my uni etc) 2) projective identification: when I confronted him, he said I'd lost my spark, I was...

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Narcissistic abuse is not your fault

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5 Ways to Stop Addictive Thinking About Your Narcissist

How To Get Over Your Ex: Stop Feeling Addicted to Your Narcissist Right Now! This is how you can finally stop thinking about your narcissist and change your mind. We're going to cover 5 ways to figure out how to move on from your breakup and stay with no contact with...

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Guilt Trips, NPD and Manipulation Psychology

Narcissists guilt trip you like crazy - and who among us hasn't been on one of those? Only sociopaths are able to NEVER feel guilt - and for those of us who do feel it, guilt is distressing and draining. More help with guilt trips - playlist here.  There doesn't...

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On Narcissistic Rage and Narcissistic Injury

On Narcissistic Rage and Narcissistic Injury

If you’ve ever been involved with a narcissist, you may be aware that when they don’t get what they want, they tend to display blatant narcissistic rage, and if that doesn’t work, they will jump right into narcissistic injury (or, vice versa).

What Causes Narcissistic Injury?

Any threat (real or imagined) to the narcissist’s grandiose self-perception – or the false self –  as perfect, all-powerful, all-knowing, and entitled to special treatment and recognition, regardless of their actual accomplishments (or lack thereof).

In other words, the narcissist is always seeking attention, compliments, admiration and power over others in order to fill their endless need for narcissistic supply and boost their tiny little ego. This means that they could always be rejected, ignored or feel criticized.

So, in a way, it causes the narcissist to be surprisingly dependent on the compliance of the people in their life in order to feel “normal,” and without this kind of narcissistic supply, they feel like they might implode.

And while the narcissist hates to admit any sort of dependence on others, they equally hate themselves for having it – and in fact, desperately fear the possibility of losing their supply – to which they’re addicted like a drug.

This is a weird conundrum for the narcissist: they need people to love, admire and respect them, but they also tend to dump their emotional garbage on these same people – usually, those closest to them.

This could explain why the narcissist has a rage problem and why they seem to be secretly consumed by overwhelming envy of some people, and why they tend to attack and devalue the people they claim to care about.

Why Does the Narcissist Take Everything So Personally?

Because the narcissist is always watching for anything that could be perceived as an insult or slight, any type of criticism (even constructive) can be seen as a personal attack. The narcissist will feel humiliated and rejected, which leads to a strange kind of all-consuming paranoia. In the worst cases, this can even cause them to create made-up rules and crazy ideas, which they expect their “circle of narcissistic supply,” or the people closest to them, to follow and agree with – without question.

Their defensive reactions and extreme emotions cause the people close to them a great deal of emotional pain. The narcissist isn’t concerned with this and in fact, is oddly detached – perhaps to avoid narcissistic injury.

The first line of defense, of course, is to emotionally beat down (or devalue) anyone who has the nerve to criticize (or who the narcissist perceives might criticize them). This could also apply to someone who makes a joke or comment that the narcissist thinks is somehow “against them.”

The narcissist will look down their nose at anyone who dares to make them feel less than amazing – anyone who dares to peek behind the mask of the false self. With blatant contempt and a rising feeling of superiority, the narcissist feels better about themselves and minimizes the feeling of inferiority. This leads to cognitive dissonance and literally causes the narcissist to lie to themselves.

What is Narcissistic Rage?

While narcissists might seem to be the most put-together people we know, calm, poised and good at managing their stress levels, anyone they feel comfortable around knows that it’s all an act.

Though it would seem like narcissistic rage is always a reaction to narcissistic injury, the truth is that narcissists see it as something that is inevitable, something that was “done to them” by the person who disagreed with or was critical of (or joking about) them. This leads us to logically assume they are as illogical, unfair and outright mean – especially during the rages.

Normal anger is different than narcissistic rage. Everybody gets angry. It’s normal and human. But healthier people will either work through it and use it to propel them forward into positive change, while narcissists will stew in it and let it infect anyone who has the nerve to get close enough.

Feeling threatened is just one way the narcissist will get angry. They’ll also react with rage to real or perceived injustice against them, to feeling uncomfortable or being inconvenienced and to any sort of disagreement. To be fair, when we are angry, it can be hard for anyone to think and act logically, and this doesn’t exclude the narcissist or their rage.

This certainly inflates the lack of empathy that is a hallmark for a toxic narcissist. Some psychologists will tell you that narcissistic rage is just something that happens and that the narcissist is actually angry at themselves, but anyone who has ever been the subject of this rage will know better.

How Does Narcissistic Rage Manifest?

The narcissist may express rage through blatant, explosive verbal or even physical attacks, using psychological abuse to minimize and invalidate anyone in their path. Or, they may go passive aggressive – using sneaky, pervasive techniques like the silent treatment to control their circle of supply. To those in its path, narcissistic rage is scary and angst-causing. It feels like nothing you can say, do, think or feel could possibly be right in the moment, and even though some narcissists will issue a weak apology later, it’s clearly perfunctory and means nothing – because they’ll ALWAYS do it again when it suits them.

When the preferred emotional dumpster (aka closest source of narcissistic supply) is unavailable, the narcissist will rage against random people they consider unimportant – customer service representatives on the phone, waitresses, the check-out lady at Walmart.

Are you in a toxic relationship? If this sounds familiar to you, that could be the case. Take our free toxic relationship test now. 

Why Narcissists Ruin Holidays

Why Narcissists Ruin Holidays

We all know that narcissists and holidays are a toxic combination. You might ask yourself why narcissists ruin holidays or why narcissists hate holidays.

Fact: dealing with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) at Christmas is essentially an act of courage. You’re dealing with narcissistic hoovering and the silent treatment – and even going no contact. We all know how toxic parents destroy holidays – and spending the holidays with any toxic family member can be outrageous! In this video, I’ll teach you how to outsmart narcissists during holidays and how to avoid having narcissists ruin holidays. Plus: what to do if you’re spending the holidays alone. This year, take back your Christmas!

Here is our schedule for the holidays. PLEASE NOTE: All times are in CST. Here’s a link to a time converter if you need one.

Be sure to download the free Zoom app to attend the private hangouts by video, audio or chat:

Christmas Eve SPANily Hangouts

Christmas Day SPANily Hangouts

New Year’s Eve SPANily Party & Hangouts

Narcissists and the Silent Treatment

Narcissists and the Silent Treatment

Narcissists and the Silent Treatment – Are you getting the silent treatment from a narcissist? Have you experienced it before? In this video, we’ll cover what it means when you get the silent treatment from someone with NPD and how you can deal with it. Sadly it’s one of the narcissist’s favorite ways to gaslight and manipulate, and our codependency keeps us trying to get their attention. In this video, I’ll explain exactly why and how you can stop the gaslighting and silent treatment for good.

55 Weird Things Narcissists Do to Manipulate and Control You

55 Weird Things Narcissists Do to Manipulate and Control You

Weird Attempts to Manipulate, Gain Control and/or Get Attention

  1. Does unexplained maniacal laughing count? Like, he would pass behind me as I helped my son with homework…then maniacal laughter…left me like “did I say something?”
  2. Whenever he punished me with silent treatment since he did not want to talk about what I had to discuss. But for me it was sometimes too important what I had to talk about, so I went to him after a few hours and wanted to continue the talk.
  3. Sometimes he was raging & beat himself constantly with his fists against the head .. what I find is very weird and scared me.
  4. Saying they hate (Fill in the blank) but you are that. And they always pick that in a partner just to say I hate.
  5. Telling me I’m old and nobody wants an old washed out hag. (I’m 41) He was doing me this grand favor by just being with me at all. I honestly think I look a little younger than I actually am but getting old frightens me… especially after being told for years my only good quality was being somewhat attractive.
  6. Mine would also make it a favor by being with me cause “no one else was trying as hard as him” blah blah, I had to tell him that I’m not the one who can’t stand to be alone, I don’t NEED anyone. That was him projecting on me since he couldn’t stand to be alone and needs constant supply of people.
  7. Complaining about people who forgot their birthday and didn’t donate for so and so race etc., getting pissed and saying I did this so I should get this and if I don’t you don’t get anything. I found that weird and strange a person can be that rude.
  8. Would say XYZ to me and when I would call him out on it, he’d legit straight face say, “I never said that”.
  9. When he found out I was pregnant he told me I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone but he then went and consulted with this guy to find out what herbs he could sneak into my tea to induce miscarriage and tried to bribe me into having an abortion by saying he’d pay to have me fly to visit my friends in the USA to “get over it.”
  10. Somebody hit the car from behind and he blamed me for the accident. I was at the light sitting perfectly still when a car crossed the lane from a gas station and scrapped the back of my car.
  11. When I was married to this narc … our last year together I started to have nervous breakdowns … I start crying a lot … can’t breathe after screaming (I thought I was losing my mind and I doubted my sanity) …. you’ll ask me now where the weird thing is … well… he used to record videos when I’m having these breaking downs… he filmed the 5 times I had them … without trying to help me … and the second day he comes and shows me the videos … (look at yourself how funny u were yesterday) ….
  12. When I asked for a divorce … he said I don’t want to leave u but if you’ll ask for divorce ill show the videos of u to the judge
  13. Locking the room, the thermostat is in. Freezing and/or overheating everyone in the house.
  14. Claim to have been offered commercials because she’s so good at driving right down the middle of lanes.
  15. He wanted me to be friends with all his old girlfriends, but I wasn’t “allowed” to have male friends-even the ones I’ve known since 4th grade!
  16. The weirdest thing my narc ex ever did, told me her pastor said to stay in contact with those you don’t talk to anymore and tells me she been reaching this one guy she went to high school with that I even know it’s a guy who wanted to go out with her, she denied him due to distance. Ever since we got back together, I had to find out she been making fake accounts trying to reach him, and as of a result he blocked her EVERYTIME. So, he may know something I didn’t or knew who she was. That or hated rejection and moved on. But the fact, she told me she been doing that, made me feel like I’m getting dumped. Not like I care, but the fact she wanted to do that made me feel like “Second Choice”. So he went no contact, and now I am 100 percent.
  17. With me he was strong and seductive… but the minute he was with his friends he became this little boy trying to impress them. With them I don’t think he feels powerful?
  18. He told me if I didn’t make him number one he would destroy me.
  19. He liked to argue and fight in the bed. Then he told me to get out of bed. And when I wouldn’t, he would roll me off the mattress into the floor. Literally pick up the mattress enroll me off into the floor. That’s What I Call weird!
  20. Keep me up all night arguing.
  21. Mine once told me to take off my ring when I did he started shouting to put it back or else. All of this is the middle of the night.
  22. My narc used to take pictures of damage to the house that either he caused himself, or small things like me throwing a picture frame on the floor after he abused me and called me crazy and told me to throw it. He would take pictures then called the police and tell them see look what she did.
  23. He was eating Cheetos while we were watching a movie. I was hungry watching him eat, and every 15 minutes or so, he would give me 1 Cheeto. Like I was a puppy.
  24. When I refused to engage him at our Airbnb the last “big fight” (the one where he argued with himself for hours), he started unplugging the whole outlet that the tv was hooked up to because I was being “rude” and not making eye contact…even though I told him NUMEROUS times before that , that I wasn’t engaging with him and it’s rude of him to keep trying when I’ve clearly set my boundary.
  25. He would hide my medications, money, jewelry from me and say I must have lost them. Then in a week he would let me have them back, laughing at the thought that he was making me crazy.
  26. I thought I was really losing my mind how often I would lose thing I JUST HAD. I finally realized HE was doing this on purpose when I pulled out my driver’s license to go renew it, walked to get my purse to leave, and the license wasn’t on the table where I had JUST LEFT IT. He was sitting next to that table and I asked him if he saw it…of course not, I’d “never left anything there.” After several frantic minutes, tears and crying I was “losing my mind” (during which time he in no way tried to comfort or help his wife who he could see/hear was on the edge of a nervous breakdown, even wondering if I should renew my license, I was so mental); I walked back to the table…and there it was. Of course, when asked he said “it was there all the time, I don’t know why you were carrying on. Are you crazy or something?” When I asked, “WHY didn’t you HELP ME?!” I was ignored. That’s when I realized the answer wasn’t that I was crazy, but that something was wrong with a man who could hear his wife having a breakdown. And not try to help her. No empathy.
  27. Would slap me across the face, and when I asked why he did that, he would say “what are you talking about??!”
  28. I would come home from work. Get in bed and try to turn the TV to something I wanted to watch. He would be pretending to be asleep. As soon as I turned the channel he would yell at me and say he was listening to that. Sometimes he would actually be asleep and wake up as soon as I turned the channel he’d wake up screaming to turn the channel back.
  29. Saying you are fat but they have the issue with weight and body image. Same with acne or other health issues.
  30. Just leaving. Not telling you a damn thing. Showing up days later like nothing happened.
  31. Mine is well over 400 pounds but calls everyone fat and gross. Tells me that I’m health obsessed and that’s worse than being overweight……I could go on, lol
  32. Looked me in the eyes and told me that we would never have to worry about money ever again, because he had piles of cash stashed everywhere around the house…. the mattress… the shed… buried out back… said he had it hidden in places I would never think of.
  33. Threw everything that was in our freezer and fridge on the front lawn…it was what we came home to after the police station cuz she threw a brick thru the back windshield of the car and we said we aren’t going back till you pick her up and that was what we found…a front lawn full of frozen TV dinners and groceries.
  34. Call his mother on his cell phone in the middle of giving me two black eyes. “MOM!” He says frantically, “She’s hysterical! I can’t get her to shut up!” (I was screaming because he had his booted foot on my head with all his weight on it)….do you want to know what his mother said to him after he put his cell on speaker so I could hear? “Take that bitch to the nearest bus stop and DROP HER OFF!!”
  35. My mother-in-law. She “loved me like her own daughter” but was proud of him for not killing me long ago.
  36. Angry his mother didn’t breastfeed him.
  37. He would breath in my breaths-felt like he was stealing my soul.
  38. Argue with themselves for hours on end.
  39. When narcissists try to smear campaign via law enforcement and portraying themselves as a victim
  40. Steal jewelry from me over the course of weeks and then slowly put it back.
  41. When his dad remarried and had children with her, he (30 years old) lost it saying his dad is a better dad to those kids and he’ll never accept them as his brothers because they’re “halfies” (half-brothers, half Hispanic, etc.). A grown man talking about babies in such a way. Very disturbing.
  42. As we were driving on the freeway, he took my cell phone and threw it out of the car, pushed the door open, then pushed me out and left me there along the highway in another state. He eventually can back but it was my fault that I made him do that.
  43. Wants me to pay for any and everything he wants from books, my gifts, million dollar home only live in summer, hotels when he goes alone, shares in his ‘business’ worthless, pay half his rent ‘when I visit’ , pay deposit on a flat for us, pay for transfers to airport because he decided to go home, pay for airport parking when I waited 7 hours at arrivals bc he was refused entry to the country, accuse me of trespassing if I stayed later in the morning and didn’t leave the hotel room at the same time as him, never has rang me long distance to talk and one time I answered his long distance call gave me a bollocking for answering the call, thousands of weird examples.
  44. Break up with me because I didn’t give him a hug.
  45. My narc used to take pictures of damage to the house that either he caused himself, or small things like me throwing a picture frame on the floor after he abused me and called me crazy and told me to throw it. He would take pictures then called the police and tell them see look what she did.
  46. He thinks he’s so gorgeous- he’s 40 and prides himself on how well he fits in with 20-year-olds (his own daughter’s age).
  47. She got mad that I had my bicycle in the shared space of the apartment for a few days (so did she with her bicycle, but we all know what’s okay for them isn’t okay for us.) So she took all of her items out of her bedroom and closet and piled them in front of my door since “it’s shared space”.
  48. We had 2 fish aquariums. One huge one for our Oscars and one for my Parrot fish that I had to rescue from the tank with the Oscars because they were trying to kill her. He saw me use the water test strips to test the water in my aquarium one day, so he hid them, so I couldn’t use them without asking him. He also hid all of the batteries from me and doled them out as he saw fit. Weirdo!
  49. Took his mistress with him to events for our business while I stayed home looking after our baby and pets. We are pretty well known in our industry so it was very risky for him so I am surprised he risked my finding out he was cheating. I guess he thought he had me so fooled I wouldn’t believe it even if I did find out.
  50. Run outside with his stupid handgun every time anyone passed by the house or a tire would backfire. Weird. Said he was going to call the police when he was leaving me and I grabbed for his arm. Weird.
  51. When I called because I was sick at work he deleted all of my calls (missed one because a call came through in between) and tried to convince me that I had not called him. When I confronted him with his online cheating he tried to tell me someone had stolen his identity, then erased history from his laptop as I was finding it.
  52. Went to the hospital over NOTHING.
  53. Talk about himself constantly around my family. Told his kids things about me and his ex they shouldn’t know. Packed his son’s room up when I went away one weekend and took everything over to his ex’s house. Ugh He said he thought I was going to leave. Flipped out because someone posted a pic of Colin Firth on my FB wall and blasted me saying that people would think he’s (the narc) isn’t good enough for me. This was right before a trip I was taking with my family without him.
  54. Jump out of the car at a red light and not answer the phone when I asked him how he wanted me to make his food.
  55. He allowed his friend to verbally abuse me and when he did absolutely nothing to defend me and told his friend he’s sorry I always cause problems, I started crying so he instantly played the victim and curled up in a ball on the floor and started to cry himself and pretended I was going to hit him.
127 Examples of Narcissist Hoovering

127 Examples of Narcissist Hoovering

1) create trouble in my life that he thought I’d go to him for help (i.e. put my number and name on sex site, continuous food orders past midnight, sent threats to my uni etc)
2) projective identification: when I confronted him, he said I’d lost my spark, I was spiteful and am no longer this ‘kind little thing’ he knew, and that my toxicity was at another level. I feel that he was trying to belittle me because he felt belittled by my confrontations. That got me every time because I feel that I had to defend myself, and would go on arguing with him.

3) The Nex has used his sons and my daughter to pass along messages that were supposed to get me to bite at “papers to be returned” to me. Unsuccessful, as I am full no contact. I “gray rocked” the “kids” and they don’t tell me much anymore about the Nex. Their communication with him is their business. I prefer to talk to them about what’s going on in their lives. Liking my 17 months of no contact. Not going back. Don’t need any more “projects”!

4) Ignore me after blocking me from social media but commenting on my YouTube videos.

5) Showing up to family get-togethers like nothings going on and being nice & buying me gifts.

6) BOTH ex-Narcs have texted/called for my recipes, LOL!

7) he Sends me texts, messages and snaps professing how much he loves me and telling me that I’m all he wants, begging me to come back home…:..after he’s discarded me and told me he’s done multiple times.

8) The latest hoover was ridiculous. This happened over a four hour period. First, a text msg asking the name of our real estate, I didn’t respond. Then a call, I didn’t answer. This pattern continued for about 30 mins I finally msgd just name of real estate. Then more msgs he wanted pics of us as he missed me, calls over and over again. I never replied or answered again. The longer it went on the msgs got worse. Calling me a slut, junkie, whore, attacking my parenting and saying no wonder my kids are fucked. Then trying to scare me saying he was on his way to my house and he was in the driveway. (boo) the idiot had no idea that I had actually gone away for the weekend. Overall in four hours, I received 59 text msgs and 11 phone calls. On returning home I reported him to police.

9) Group post, forwarded a girl saying to another girl “hey didn’t we go to school together?” He states “That’s how the best part of my life began.” It was his first line to me. Just happened. Smh

10) The first time was a constant calling/texting begging to see me. Finally, let him come over because he swore he had been in the hospital and that was why he hadn’t been in his right mind. He read me the “letter” he wrote to me about his undying love and blah blah blah. The second one he begged to see me because he had to get his things. When he came in he said, “I just wanted to see you one last time so I could tell you that I want nothing to do with you to your face.” Then he turned around to walk out and then turned back around came at me grabbed me and passionately kissed me and told me he couldn’t live without me. Always so dramatic.

11) Recently after over a year no contact he has made an Instagram that is both of our names and he posts pictures of us. I can’t see it bc it’s private but it’s us asleep for the cover photo and it’s creepy.

12) She actually made another IG page ( because she is blocked on all mine and my kids social media) and contacted my daughter ( who is mine from a previous relationship and who was her Golden child ) to tell her how much she “loved them” She has text me asking about the kids ( I block every # she texts me from ) , she had one of her friends call me to see how I was doing ( from an unknown number , the number actually came up on my phone as unknown ) .

13) Mine thought after harassing me for months, sending people to harass me, lying about me, causing me to develop anxiety related tachycardia, that a simple “unblock me and let’s talk” said in a nice and flirtatious tone would convince me to go back to him. He tried this several times when he was around me and I ignored him while my friends called him out for discarding me and the harassment. He attempted this after his old/new supply (the “crazy” ex before me) didn’t work out again.

14) breaking into my house and taking my dog ransom.

15) Saying he was sorry. He just wanted to have lunch, so we could talk.

16) We are divorcing, he already moved out. We need to get the house ready to sell, declutter etc. He ordered a dumpster delivered, said he would be over for 2 nights to help. No show, instead he took our son to his parents’ lake house for the remainder of the week. So I ask him Saturday when the dumpster is supposed to be picked up, no contact otherwise. He texts back asking me how much money I’ll be making this month and that everything should be in the dumpster. I just said it was both our responsibility and he started insinuating the mess etc is all my fault. Back to no contact, whatever I did my part!

17) Calling me for the first time since the divorce a year previously, to tell me that he’s moving out of state. Oh, and by the way, he’s also taking our youngest child, who he’s turned into a Flying Monkey, with him. And they are leaving in 4 days. We were married for 34 years. He was in such a hurry to get to his girlfriend that he couldn’t even be at this child’s high school graduation. (gf lasted 7 weeks.) He’s moved because of target #2. That was a Doozie! A Hoover, devaluation and double discard all in one! You don’t see that just every day. Devaluation because the kids who knew lied to my face about it for weeks. Telling me that youngest was going to be doing one thing when all along this was planned. He convinces two of my kids that his news is “private” and only to be shared at his convenience, with his permission. No matter what I say they don’t get that telling everyone BUT me isn’t keeping the news “private”. It’s keeping secrets in order to manipulate, devalue and attempt to control me.

18) By asking his mother to call me and talk to me. She told me I was so good and it was really nice of me to be his son’s friend since he’s such a solitary person and stuff.

19) In the past would call or text about something “important”. He’s not one to EVER apologize or fight FOR me but he always got sentimental or telling me how much he loved me but it just didn’t work between us. The last Hoover attempt was about my car( it’s still in both of our names) he wanted me to sign a paper to switch to me as primary on the loan and tags ( would have ended up costing me double with the tags because I’m in planning on refinancing in a month or 2 anyway. He didn’t get his way so he said “as always, your way”, …. my reply was silence…. perfectly executed grey rock! Lol

20) Coming by unannounced at my office, to return 6 plastic chairs I had lent to his office, on a national kids holiday (he knew I missed his kids and thought this might reel me back in).
21) Bang on my front door window after my months-long solid no contact regime the day before Christmas. With a Christmas package from his company. “Because you’ve worked so hard this year.” 🙄
22) Silent phone calls and no caller id calls. Some of the calls contained distant voices talking flattering about him and about his new supply and their happy future. 😖
23) Impersonating as his youngest daughter on her phone and sending me messages, supposedly from her. It was him, luring me to reach out, so he could rub his new supply in my face. I didn’t take the bait. His new supply was already on vacation with him and the kids after the first month of dating.
24) Applying to be a speaker on a big seminar about my expertise so I couldn’t go there and waiting for my reaction.
25) Hoover by proxy: flying monkey/lieutenant had mentionitis, kept informing me on the goings on of the narc, despite my requests not to mention him.
26) Letting other people inform him about my whereabouts, and then ‘casually’ sitting exactly where I have to walk by.
27) More No Caller ID calls (he still does this. It’s 13 months after the breakup!).

28) Today via triangulation. Money. Being nice, apologizing. Came to my home, broke my window. Has people stalking my page.

29) First time: We had been one another’s first loves as teenagers, I ended the relationship hating her and never wanting to see her again. I successfully cut her from my life. Fast forward 15 years. She messaged me on LinkedIn and we met for a drink. Love bombing was intense, it was hard for me to distinguish because we already had a familiarity. I was at a point, a couple years after my divorce, where I was ready to find a partner, probably the worst time to walk into a narcissist. It was “meant to be”… mask started talking about four months later. Second time: After two years of living together, I was done and moved out with the kids. About nine months after I had left, she had a partying summer with her friends and dated someone else… Then the Hoover started after she got it out of her system for the time being. She called and text and asked to meet. I finally gave in. BShe said all the things to me… she knew what she had lost, wanted me and the kids back, started therapy, acted very remorseful, cried a ton, apologized for being awful, made promises and commitments… I believed her and went back. Love bombing happened for about a year, the cycle played out, again. Here I am another two years later, regretting going back yet again.

30) My ex-husband after I left him, cut me off from all our finances and the most he would do is take me grocery shopping. He basically just tried to get me to come back by making me unable to survive financially. He would call and text incessantly. His text messages would be full of emojis. And he would initiate the contact and answer me back right away. When he wasn’t spinning his web, I would be the one to text or call and he would respond hours later.

31) Typical promises of change, counseling, an actual job other than dealing drugs, SUICIDE THREATS etc. Later after successfully sucking me back in, he claimed to have meant none of it, that he was only “sucking ass” to get me to go back to him.. (side note: he beat the sh#t out of me a few months later, and I successfully got away 100% NC, and karma is getting him hard.. I don’t feel sorry for him at all anymore..)

32) She Hoovers me by saying to pray for her when something bad happens. Like this time after being rejected by 10 guys she hurt herself and said to pray for her. This is what dragged me to go see her… and tend her cut. The second time was her sister is not getting better from being sick and to pray for her. It’s always praying for this girl that got me out of the no-contact phase.

33) Called and sent texts saying that she was starving and accused me of leaving her in the house to die alone… said that leaving her was borderline illegal

34) Constant phoning

35) Sent texts asking how I am

36) Usually love bombing on Facebook, that sort of thing, winc to hats usually how he contacted me, also creating some crisis that may or not been real like him getting fired, or wanting me to help him with his resume, but never wanted to look for another job.

37) Sends pictures of the “good times”, tells me I can’t survive on my own, bribes with money, tries to keep the kids from me or take the car, pretends like he’s worried about me, blah, blah, blah. I’m NEVER GOING BACK AGAIN!!!

38) Personality flips.

39) Stalking me through fb, dating sites, email

40) After the big discard, he came to my place 3 days later at 6am. He said he drove past the night before & saw that my car wasn’t there & couldn’t believe that I could go out after our breakup. Said he was so depressed about it. I wouldn’t let him in. Told him he needed therapy. He said he’d only go if it was as a couple. He refused to leave til I threatened to call his mother. A week later I was worried about him & called to check on him. We tried to be friends for a few weeks & it didn’t work. He started giving me the silent treatment so I backed off. Got back on the dating app we met on & he was there. I swiped right just to see if he had done the same & he had. I sent a message saying how I hoped he was OK & that I still cared for his wellbeing. He replied “I know” then blocked me! Months later, he sent me pics of stuff he grew in his garden. I didn’t reply & have been NC since. The other one uses our child saying we should be a family.

41) The very last Hoover attempt was a text from a random number that said “there is a guy standing next to me and he wants me to tell you this:I am sorry for the last hurtful thing I said to you. The very last thing (he said you would know what that is). And I forgive you for all the horrible hurtful things you have done to me.” I wrote back “cool story bro.” And blocked the number. I knew he was home with his wife when that text was sent

42) Right now, he knows I have this RV that I bought after the divorce that is a fixer-upper. I need help, he’s offering his services on the regular basis. I told him it’s too painful to be around him this early after the divorce, he said he understood but he would text me in the morning to see if I wanted his help.

43) Sending me untrue or nasty text messages to get me to defend myself so I respond.

44) I’ve had some weird ones…the offer of a trip to Bali with her, happy birthday wishes that are a few days late, emails and messages to sort out stuff that doesn’t need anything done. The last year or so its been joining meetup groups im in. Lately its been rsvp to meetups im attending. No sign of the simplest way…a simple offer to talk.

45) Mine never gifted me anything but once, after a ‘disappearing’ episode of 5 days he returned and simply handed me a large block of warm, semi-melted Cadbury’s chocolate, opened with a chunk taken from it. Awesome.

46) He uses my address for his junk mail.

47) STILL stalking me after 13 years. He and his current wife of 11 years know every move I make, they have people watching me, they use excuses to try to be in touch with my boss, I’ve blocked them & their families on FB and they will “casually” ask my FB “friends” to strike conversation to gain information. I have NOTHING to hide and I have NOTHING to share with them… I’ve learned to accept their behavior and there’s NOTHING I can do to prevent or stop it. The community has come to realize what they are and as I said I have nothing to hide and the TRUTH ALWAYS PREVAILS and their day of reckoning will come… KARMA WILL meet them head on SOMEDAY SOMEWAY they deserve NONE of my attention!

48) Dinner and sex, or a trip to the museum and Sex, and cuddling, always when hoovering asks how Jeannie is, (her Name for my Vagina)

49) Love bombing till it didn’t work then he would get mad and threaten me. He then showed up at my parents’ house high as a kite. And called the cops on me! He would send me money or sweet messages and then when he didn’t get the reaction he wanted he would flip out.

50) He promised me he was willing to come back to me after I caught him having an affair because he realized how important family was. He promised me he would stop calling her. He was sweet, pretended like he cared about our new backyard by putting the furniture together and making dinner on the new bbq. Agreed to go to therapy with me. All the while he got a second phone to call his NS and was sleeping with her at some sleazy motel after work hours. He was just hovering me to keep me from finding out more and from threatening to take him and her down from their careers. and he kept reminding me that if he came back to me, it would be all about him and his needs. He was so confused and out of sorts. Eventually, I asked him to leave after 4 months of that second round of torture. He was unfaithful and dishonest. I can’t accept his betrayal any longer.

51) I’ve been no contact one year tomorrow. A couple of weeks ago I get a text from mstbx that says ‘what happened?’ I haven’t answered one email all this time. Why would he think I would answer a random email now?

52) He keeps asking me out to dinner (I say no)- and today he showed up at my work unannounced to have lunch with me, even though I wouldn’t tell him what time my lunch was.
53) They suck all the meaningful times and “fluff” out of conversations, memories and time spent together. They focus on the major points at hand. Mostly the negative. Their vacuums are pre-set to their own level of clean up. My narc with tell some of the truth “sucking” out the important party. Like yes, you did go to the Mall but you forgot the fact you were with another girl… Or yes, you do love me but you enjoy hurting me more. They have the verbal hoover suck!!!!

54) Using emails – he knew I wasn’t reading them because I did not respond so he would put his words in the subject line with an empty email. When the judge during the restraining order court saw that he was very mad and saw his harassment in the email title.

55) My ex had me constantly ‘put’ in the relationship by suggesting every now and then, that we could spend the rest of our retired lives in his village- home, which he knew I always loved. (I am sure that’s hoovering). In all the 27 years of our marriage he had lived in my house, off my status and earning. I showed him the door the day his Narc-mom declared she was selling off the property to give her son all of the money. I knew that day that our children and I had never been a part of their family at all.

56) When narc mum alive she sent some money to me to try and buy me back. Then she posted stuff about a new Buddhist temple being built near home to attract me to see her! One ex narc male friend bought me a Tia Maria then wrote on a piece of paper at the table: ” When will I get in your knickers then?’!!

57) He’d take himself off somewhere for some “Distance and perspective on the situation “. Aka, probably grooming an NS or ex with a pity play. Then he’d tell me how I was his perfect friend and lover and the love of his life. So back I’d go again. I think eventually this was a cut and paste job by him. I’ve got the last ( not responded to) hoover but, unfortunately deleted all the others. Pretty sure they were all the same 🙂

58) I hadn’t talked to him for several months, he ignored me, then he messaged me on Facebook late one night asking me to come to his place asking for sexual favors! I said No, and after that he discarded me!

59) My ex narc used to try and hack into my bank/PayPal accounts too

60) Quick hang-ups with “cloned” phone numbers.

61) When the ‘nice’ Hoover’s didn’t work he got nasty. When nasty didn’t work he filed for legal separation (you can only do that after living apart for a year here which is why I hadn’t done it). This was supposed to make me realize the error of my ways and make me go running back…..nope, I just got the legal separation sooner than I would have hoped originally. 🙂

62) wanting me to accompany him on trips to exotic locales. No thanks narc.

63) Ringing on unknown numbers which I didn’t answer trying to facetime on an unrecognized number. I don’t answer unrecognized numbers, if there was no message or voicemail. I blocked the numbers that went on for about 6 months I ignored like a boss ❤️

64) Hoovered 3 times successfully and 1 time unsuccessfully so here are a few:
Left me chocolate and a note at my desk at work.
Contacted me through text email Google hangout fb and work email and work phone. Basically, every way to contact me possible.
Asked mutual acquaintances about me.
Showed up at my home.
Played the poor me card “I’m in a bad place. I need you.”
Drove by my house multiple times
Drove by my bus stop when I’d be going to work multiple times.
Showed up at my work. At my desk.
Emailed me basically “nagging” me. Telling me I’m so ugly and no one wants me except him.
Created fake fb profiles to try communicate with me.
Telling me I’m the only one for him and he loves me so much and he realizes it now and he’ll be better and he will never hurt me again if only i would give him another (3rd) chance.
Bleh! So exhausting!!!

65) After 22 years of hearing the same hoovering Maneuvers over and over it’s actually comical. “I will change I will be the husband I was always supposed to be for you I will be everything that you’ve always wanted and deserve I will be….
66-127 In video

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