Rear-View Mirror: An Open Letter to a Narcissist

Rear-View Mirror: An Open Letter to a Narcissist

Editor’s Note: This story was submitted by a fellow survivor of narcissistic abuse. Read more stories right here, and submit your own here

Dear Narcissist,

After five months of the silent treatment, for some transgression I only vaguely understood, you re-appeared: “Happy Mother’s Day, stranger.”

I responded, thinking, as usual, “I can take it.”

You started, immediately, trying to get me to do things you wanted. The difference this time was that this time, I stood my ground. I’ve gotten past the smoke and mirrors and see clearly what the game is. As soon as I resisted you changed your tune, blowing hot and cold and distancing yourself, revealing how insincere your overtures really were. It was just like before.

The last time we were together you asked me why I kept going back. I told you I care about you and love being around you. Then I asked why you keep asking for me and you said you “don’t care” if I’m there or not. This was one of your few clear statements, confirming that how you were treating me was the true reflection of how you felt about me. The rest was mind games to get me to do whatever you wanted. Lies.

I DID care, very much. There was a time when I was in love with you and did everything I could to make it work. You took it all, while hiding my existence and denying to anyone who asked that there was anything going on between us. After three years, I was still “just a pal”, and you were doing whatever you wanted, with no regard for me or my feelings. I was devastated.

You lied, cheated, screamed at me, put me down and belittled me; you asked for all the favors, and just took whatever you wanted, but never offered a thing in return; you flirted while I was right there and online with strangers; if we went out, you never asked what I wanted to do, and then would ignore me the whole time, expecting that I wait for you and drive you home; you demanded I show up when you wanted and would push me away until next time you needed something; you NEVER came to see me; you talked to ex-girlfriends and potential ones, giving them compliments and presents, while you starved me for affection.

I was exhausted; I felt like I didn’t matter and I got depressed and constantly worried. I was anxious to the point of not being able to make decisions or eat, waiting for the next terrible thing. I spent most of my time lonely and ruminating.

I slept beside you even though it was a torment because you didn’t love me. It was such a violation of my values and integrity that I was in a constant state of self-disgust.

I tried to leave you, but struggled to stay away, thinking your disrespect of my need for space was actually love. I drank too much so I wouldn’t have to think about how humiliating it all was. I was destroying myself with my own hopes and expectations and you finished the job with your callous user mentality.

That prolonged silent treatment freed me. I became stronger and less angry. I was more productive than I had been in almost three years. I was able to engage properly with my friends and family and did better at work. I took a holiday. I enjoyed everything more.

And within a week of you contacting me again, I slipped backward. Anxiety, depression, and rumination quickly returned. My mind and body reacted to you very strongly and it was unbearable, after knowing how much better I am without you.

I can barely remember what made me fall in love with you because every memory is tainted by something awful you did. I know it would never be better, no matter what you say when you need something and push for another chance. As ever before, your words and actions do not match and I can no longer fool myself into believing only the pretty things.

My mind and heart have been forever altered by you.

I do not trust you.

The game is over.

Sincerely,

Finally Thriving

 


From the editor:
If this narcissistic abuse survivor’s story spoke to you, you might also enjoy this video.

Is Silent Treatment a Form of Abuse?

Is Silent Treatment a Form of Abuse?

Are you getting the silent treatment after an argument with someone in your life? Does someone use the silent treatment as a form of punishment for when they feel annoyed or wronged? Do you feel exhausted and confused because you aren’t even sure what you’ve done wrong? 

The silent treatment is a form of avoidance that, in theory, accomplishes nothing other than escalating the situation. Logically, the victim becomes resentful and less interested in resolving the issue. But when you’re dealing with a toxic relationship that might involve a narcissist, the silent treatment is much more than it seems. 

Silent Treatment by Narcissist

When a narcissist enacts the silent treatment on you, the purpose is emotional manipulation, psychological control and ultimately, to get what he or she wants. Today, I’m going to share with you everything you need to know about the silent treatment. What is is, why it’s used, how it’s done, who uses this tactic and where you can use it to your advantage. 

What is the Silent Treatment?

The silent treatment is what we call it when someone stops speaking to you and/or recognizing your presence. They refuse to engage in communication with you in response to some conflict or problem in the relationship. It’s also called “stonewalling” or “the cold shoulder.”

Is the silent treatment a form of abuse?

Yes, the silent treatment is a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse. Used as a way to manipulate and control the victim, it can also be used as part of a strategy for psychological abuse that can cause complex post-traumatic distress disorder (C-PTSD) in its victims over time.

The Narcissist and the Silent Treatment

More On How to Deal with Silent Treatment

Rear-View Mirror: An Open Letter to a Narcissist

Rear-View Mirror: An Open Letter to a Narcissist

Editor’s Note: This story was submitted by a fellow survivor of narcissistic abuse. Read more stories right here, and submit your own here.  Dear Narcissist, After five months of the silent treatment, for some transgression I only vaguely understood, you re-appeared:...

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Is Silent Treatment a Form of Abuse?

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On Narcissistic Rage and Narcissistic Injury

If you’ve ever been involved with a narcissist, you may be aware that when they don’t get what they want, they tend to display blatant narcissistic rage, and if that doesn’t work, they will jump right into narcissistic injury (or, vice versa). What Causes Narcissistic...

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Why Narcissists Ruin Holidays

Why Narcissists Ruin Holidays

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Narcissists and the Silent Treatment

Narcissists and the Silent Treatment

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127 Examples of Narcissist Hoovering

127 Examples of Narcissist Hoovering

1) create trouble in my life that he thought I'd go to him for help (i.e. put my number and name on sex site, continuous food orders past midnight, sent threats to my uni etc) 2) projective identification: when I confronted him, he said I'd lost my spark, I was...

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Narcissistic abuse is not your fault

Narcissistic abuse is not your fault

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5 Ways to Stop Addictive Thinking About Your Narcissist

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Narcissists guilt trip you like crazy - and who among us hasn't been on one of those? Only sociopaths are able to NEVER feel guilt - and for those of us who do feel it, guilt is distressing and draining. More help with guilt trips - playlist here.  There doesn't...

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On Narcissistic Rage and Narcissistic Injury

On Narcissistic Rage and Narcissistic Injury

If you’ve ever been involved with a narcissist, you may be aware that when they don’t get what they want, they tend to display blatant narcissistic rage, and if that doesn’t work, they will jump right into narcissistic injury (or, vice versa).

What Causes Narcissistic Injury?

Any threat (real or imagined) to the narcissist’s grandiose self-perception – or the false self –  as perfect, all-powerful, all-knowing, and entitled to special treatment and recognition, regardless of their actual accomplishments (or lack thereof).

In other words, the narcissist is always seeking attention, compliments, admiration and power over others in order to fill their endless need for narcissistic supply and boost their tiny little ego. This means that they could always be rejected, ignored or feel criticized.

So, in a way, it causes the narcissist to be surprisingly dependent on the compliance of the people in their life in order to feel “normal,” and without this kind of narcissistic supply, they feel like they might implode.

And while the narcissist hates to admit any sort of dependence on others, they equally hate themselves for having it – and in fact, desperately fear the possibility of losing their supply – to which they’re addicted like a drug.

This is a weird conundrum for the narcissist: they need people to love, admire and respect them, but they also tend to dump their emotional garbage on these same people – usually, those closest to them.

This could explain why the narcissist has a rage problem and why they seem to be secretly consumed by overwhelming envy of some people, and why they tend to attack and devalue the people they claim to care about.

Why Does the Narcissist Take Everything So Personally?

Because the narcissist is always watching for anything that could be perceived as an insult or slight, any type of criticism (even constructive) can be seen as a personal attack. The narcissist will feel humiliated and rejected, which leads to a strange kind of all-consuming paranoia. In the worst cases, this can even cause them to create made-up rules and crazy ideas, which they expect their “circle of narcissistic supply,” or the people closest to them, to follow and agree with – without question.

Their defensive reactions and extreme emotions cause the people close to them a great deal of emotional pain. The narcissist isn’t concerned with this and in fact, is oddly detached – perhaps to avoid narcissistic injury.

The first line of defense, of course, is to emotionally beat down (or devalue) anyone who has the nerve to criticize (or who the narcissist perceives might criticize them). This could also apply to someone who makes a joke or comment that the narcissist thinks is somehow “against them.”

The narcissist will look down their nose at anyone who dares to make them feel less than amazing – anyone who dares to peek behind the mask of the false self. With blatant contempt and a rising feeling of superiority, the narcissist feels better about themselves and minimizes the feeling of inferiority. This leads to cognitive dissonance and literally causes the narcissist to lie to themselves.

What is Narcissistic Rage?

While narcissists might seem to be the most put-together people we know, calm, poised and good at managing their stress levels, anyone they feel comfortable around knows that it’s all an act.

Though it would seem like narcissistic rage is always a reaction to narcissistic injury, the truth is that narcissists see it as something that is inevitable, something that was “done to them” by the person who disagreed with or was critical of (or joking about) them. This leads us to logically assume they are as illogical, unfair and outright mean – especially during the rages.

Normal anger is different than narcissistic rage. Everybody gets angry. It’s normal and human. But healthier people will either work through it and use it to propel them forward into positive change, while narcissists will stew in it and let it infect anyone who has the nerve to get close enough.

Feeling threatened is just one way the narcissist will get angry. They’ll also react with rage to real or perceived injustice against them, to feeling uncomfortable or being inconvenienced and to any sort of disagreement. To be fair, when we are angry, it can be hard for anyone to think and act logically, and this doesn’t exclude the narcissist or their rage.

This certainly inflates the lack of empathy that is a hallmark for a toxic narcissist. Some psychologists will tell you that narcissistic rage is just something that happens and that the narcissist is actually angry at themselves, but anyone who has ever been the subject of this rage will know better.

How Does Narcissistic Rage Manifest?

The narcissist may express rage through blatant, explosive verbal or even physical attacks, using psychological abuse to minimize and invalidate anyone in their path. Or, they may go passive aggressive – using sneaky, pervasive techniques like the silent treatment to control their circle of supply. To those in its path, narcissistic rage is scary and angst-causing. It feels like nothing you can say, do, think or feel could possibly be right in the moment, and even though some narcissists will issue a weak apology later, it’s clearly perfunctory and means nothing – because they’ll ALWAYS do it again when it suits them.

When the preferred emotional dumpster (aka closest source of narcissistic supply) is unavailable, the narcissist will rage against random people they consider unimportant – customer service representatives on the phone, waitresses, the check-out lady at Walmart.

Are you in a toxic relationship? If this sounds familiar to you, that could be the case. Take our free toxic relationship test now. 

Why Narcissists Ruin Holidays

Why Narcissists Ruin Holidays

We all know that narcissists and holidays are a toxic combination. You might ask yourself why narcissists ruin holidays or why narcissists hate holidays.

Fact: dealing with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) at Christmas is essentially an act of courage. You’re dealing with narcissistic hoovering and the silent treatment – and even going no contact. We all know how toxic parents destroy holidays – and spending the holidays with any toxic family member can be outrageous! In this video, I’ll teach you how to outsmart narcissists during holidays and how to avoid having narcissists ruin holidays. Plus: what to do if you’re spending the holidays alone. This year, take back your Christmas!

Here is our schedule for the holidays. PLEASE NOTE: All times are in CST. Here’s a link to a time converter if you need one.

Be sure to download the free Zoom app to attend the private hangouts by video, audio or chat: https://zoom.us/download

Christmas Eve SPANily Hangouts

Christmas Day SPANily Hangouts

New Year’s Eve SPANily Party & Hangouts

Narcissists and the Silent Treatment

Narcissists and the Silent Treatment


Narcissists and the Silent Treatment – Are you getting the silent treatment from a narcissist? Have you experienced it before? In this video, we’ll cover what it means when you get the silent treatment from someone with NPD and how you can deal with it. Sadly it’s one of the narcissist’s favorite ways to gaslight and manipulate, and our codependency keeps us trying to get their attention. In this video, I’ll explain exactly why and how you can stop the gaslighting and silent treatment for good.

55 Weird Things Narcissists Do to Manipulate and Control You

55 Weird Things Narcissists Do to Manipulate and Control You

Toxic narcissists have a way of trying to control and manipulate everyone in their life. After polling more than 10,000 survivors of narcissistic abuse, I have compiled this list of 55 weird things narcissists do to manipulate and control you.

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Not considered to be a “mental illness,” narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder that manifests in an inflated sense of importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.

In this video, I’m sharing the list of 55 weird things narcissists do to manipulate and control you.

Narcissists and Their Weird Attempts to Manipulate, Gain Control and/or Get Attention

  1. Does unexplained maniacal laughing count? Like, he would pass behind me as I helped my son with homework…then maniacal laughter…left me like “did I say something?”
  2. Whenever he punished me with silent treatment since he did not want to talk about what I had to discuss. But for me it was sometimes too important what I had to talk about, so I went to him after a few hours and wanted to continue the talk.
  3. Sometimes he was raging & beat himself constantly with his fists against the head .. what I find is very weird and scared me.
  4. Saying they hate (Fill in the blank) but you are that. And they always pick that in a partner just to say I hate.
  5. Telling me I’m old and nobody wants an old washed out hag. (I’m 41) He was doing me this grand favor by just being with me at all. I honestly think I look a little younger than I actually am but getting old frightens me… especially after being told for years my only good quality was being somewhat attractive.
  6. Mine would also make it a favor by being with me cause “no one else was trying as hard as him” blah blah, I had to tell him that I’m not the one who can’t stand to be alone, I don’t NEED anyone. That was him projecting on me since he couldn’t stand to be alone and needs a constant supply of people.
  7. Complaining about people who forgot their birthday and didn’t donate for so and so race etc., getting pissed and saying I did this so I should get this and if I don’t you don’t get anything. I found that weird and strange a person can be that rude.
  8. Would say XYZ to me and when I would call him out on it, he’d legit straight face say, “I never said that”.
  9. When he found out I was pregnant he told me I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone but he then went and consulted with this guy to find out what herbs he could sneak into my tea to induce miscarriage and tried to bribe me into having an abortion by saying he’d pay to have me fly to visit my friends in the USA to “get over it.”
  10. Somebody hit the car from behind and he blamed me for the accident. I was at the light sitting perfectly still when a car crossed the lane from a gas station and scrapped the back of my car.
  11. When I was married to this narc … our last year together I started to have nervous breakdowns … I start crying a lot … can’t breathe after screaming (I thought I was losing my mind and I doubted my sanity) …. you’ll ask me now where the weird thing is … well… he used to record videos when I’m having these breaking downs… he filmed the 5 times I had them … without trying to help me … and the second day he comes and shows me the videos … (look at yourself how funny u were yesterday) ….
  12. When I asked for a divorce … he said I don’t want to leave u but if you’ll ask for divorce ill show the videos of u to the judge
  13. Locking the room, the thermostat is in. Freezing and/or overheating everyone in the house.
  14. Claim to have been offered commercials because she’s so good at driving right down the middle of lanes.
  15. He wanted me to be friends with all his old girlfriends, but I wasn’t “allowed” to have male friends-even the ones I’ve known since 4th grade!
  16. The weirdest thing my narc ex ever did, told me her pastor said to stay in contact with those you don’t talk to anymore and tells me she been reaching this one guy she went to high school with that I even know it’s a guy who wanted to go out with her, she denied him due to distance. Ever since we got back together, I had to find out she been making fake accounts trying to reach him, and as of a result he blocked her EVERYTIME. So, he may know something I didn’t or knew who she was. That or hated rejection and moved on. But the fact, she told me she been doing that, made me feel like I’m getting dumped. Not like I care, but the fact she wanted to do that made me feel like “Second Choice”. So he went no contact, and now I am 100 percent.
  17. With me he was strong and seductive… but the minute he was with his friends he became this little boy trying to impress them. With them I don’t think he feels powerful?
  18. He told me if I didn’t make him number one he would destroy me.
  19. He liked to argue and fight in the bed. Then he told me to get out of bed. And when I wouldn’t, he would roll me off the mattress into the floor. Literally pick up the mattress enroll me off into the floor. That’s What I Call weird!
  20. Keep me up all night arguing.
  21. Mine once told me to take off my ring when I did he started shouting for.me to put it back or else. All of this is the middle of the night.
  22. My narc used to take pictures of damage to the house that either he caused himself, or small things like me throwing a picture frame on the floor after he abused me and called me crazy and told me to throw it. He would take pictures then called the police and tell them see look what she did.
  23. He was eating Cheetos while we were watching a movie. I was hungry watching him eat, and every 15 minutes or so, he would give me 1 Cheeto. Like I was a puppy.
  24. When I refused to engage him at our Airbnb the last “big fight” (the one where he argued with himself for hours), he started unplugging the whole outlet that the tv was hooked up to because I was being “rude” and not making eye contact…even though I told him NUMEROUS times before that , that I wasn’t engaging with him and it’s rude of him to keep trying when I’ve clearly set my boundary.
  25. He would hide my medications, money, jewelry from me and say I must have lost them. Then in a week he would let me have them back, laughing at the thought that he was making me crazy.
  26. I thought I was really losing my mind how often I would lose thing I JUST HAD. I finally realized HE was doing this on purpose when I pulled out my driver’s license to go renew it, walked to get my purse to leave, and the license wasn’t on the table where I had JUST LEFT IT. He was sitting next to that table and I asked him if he saw it…of course not, I’d “never left anything there.” After several frantic minutes, tears and crying I was “losing my mind” (during which time he in no way tried to comfort or help his wife who he could see/hear was on the edge of a nervous breakdown, even wondering if I should renew my license, I was so mental); I walked back to the table…and there it was. Of course, when asked he said “it was there all the time, I don’t know why you were carrying on. Are you crazy or something?” When I asked, “WHY didn’t you HELP ME?!” I was ignored. That’s when I realized the answer wasn’t that I was crazy, but that something was wrong with a man who could hear his wife having a breakdown. And not try to help her. No empathy.
  27. Would slap me across the face, and when I asked why he did that, he would say “what are you talking about??!”
  28. I would come home from work. Get in bed and try to turn the TV to something I wanted to watch. He would be pretending to be asleep. As soon as I turned the channel he would yell at me and say he was listening to that. Sometimes he would actually be asleep and wake up as soon as I turned the channel he’d wake up screaming to turn the channel back.
  29. Saying you are fat but they have the issue with weight and body image. Same with acne or other health issues.
  30. Just leaving. Not telling you a damn thing. Showing up days later like nothing happened.
  31. Mine is well over 400 pounds but calls everyone fat and gross. Tells me that I’m health-obsessed and that’s worse than being overweight……I could go on, lol
  32. Looked me in the eyes and told me that we would never have to worry about money ever again because he had piles of cash stashed everywhere around the house…. the mattress… the shed… buried outback… said he had it hidden in places I would never think of.
  33. Threw everything that was in our freezer and fridge on the front lawn…it was what we came home to after the police station cuz she threw a brick thru the back windshield of the car and we said we aren’t going back till you pick her up and that was what we found…a front lawn full of frozen TV dinners and groceries.
  34. Call his mother on his cell phone in the middle of giving me two black eyes. “MOM!” He says frantically, “She’s hysterical! I can’t get her to shut up!” (I was screaming because he had his booted foot on my head with all his weight on it)….do you want to know what his mother said to him after he put his cell on speaker so I could hear? “Take that bitch to the nearest bus stop and DROP HER OFF!!”
  35. My mother-in-law. She “loved me like her own daughter” but was proud of him for not killing me long ago.
  36. Angry his mother didn’t breastfeed him.
  37. He would breathe in my breaths-felt like he was stealing my soul.
  38. Argue with themselves for hours on end.
  39. When narcissists try to smear campaign via law enforcement and portraying themselves as a victim
  40. Steal jewelry from me over the course of weeks and then slowly put it back.
  41. When his dad remarried and had children with her, he (30 years old) lost it saying his dad is a better dad to those kids and he’ll never accept them as his brothers because they’re “halfies” (half-brothers, half Hispanic, etc.). A grown man talking about babies in such a way. Very disturbing.
  42. As we were driving on the freeway, he took my cell phone and threw it out of the car, pushed the door open, then pushed me out and left me there along the highway in another state. He eventually can back but it was my fault that I made him do that.
  43. Wants me to pay for any and everything he wants from books, my gifts, million-dollar home only live in summer, hotels when he goes alone, shares in his ‘business’ worthless, pay half his rent ‘when I visit’ , pay deposit on a flat for us, pay for transfers to airport because he decided to go home, pay for airport parking when I waited 7 hours at arrivals bc he was refused entry to the country, accuse me of trespassing if I stayed later in the morning and didn’t leave the hotel room at the same time as him, never has rang me long distance to talk and one time I answered his long-distance call gave me a bollocking for answering the call, thousands of weird examples.
  44. Break up with me because I didn’t give him a hug.
  45. My narc used to take pictures of the damage to the house that either he caused himself, or small things like me throwing a picture frame on the floor after he abused me and called me crazy and told me to throw it. He would take pictures then called the police and tell them see look what she did.
  46. He thinks he’s so gorgeous- he’s 40 and prides himself on how well he fits in with 20-year-olds (his own daughter’s age).
  47. She got mad that I had my bicycle in the shared space of the apartment for a few days (so did she with her bicycle, but we all know what’s okay for them isn’t okay for us.) So she took all of her items out of her bedroom and closet and piled them in front of my door since “it’s shared space”.
  48. We had 2 fish aquariums. One huge one for our Oscars and one for my Parrotfish that I had to rescue from the tank with the Oscars because they were trying to kill her. He saw me use the water test strips to test the water in my aquarium one day, so he hid them, so I couldn’t use them without asking him. He also hid all of the batteries from me and doled them out as he saw fit. Weirdo!
  49. Took his mistress with him to events for our business while I stayed home looking after our baby and pets. We are pretty well known in our industry so it was very risky for him so I am surprised he risked my finding out he was cheating. I guess he thought he had me so fooled I wouldn’t believe it even if I did find out.
  50. Run outside with his stupid handgun every time anyone passed by the house or a tire would backfire. Weird. Said he was going to call the police when he was leaving me and I grabbed for his arm. Weird.
  51. When I called because I was sick at work he deleted all of my calls (missed one because a call came through in between) and tried to convince me that I had not called him. When I confronted him with his online cheating he tried to tell me someone had stolen his identity, then erased history from his laptop as I was finding it.
  52. Went to the hospital over NOTHING.
  53. Talk about himself constantly around my family. Told his kids things about me and his ex they shouldn’t know. Packed his son’s room up when I went away one weekend and took everything over to his ex’s house. Ugh, He said he thought I was going to leave. Flipped out because someone posted a pic of Colin Firth on my FB wall and blasted me saying that people would think he’s (the narc) isn’t good enough for me. This was right before a trip I was taking with my family without him.
  54. Jump out of the car at a red light and not answer the phone when I asked him how he wanted me to make his food.
  55. He allowed his friend to verbally abuse me and when he did absolutely nothing to defend me and told his friend he’s sorry I always cause problems, I started crying so he instantly played the victim and curled up in a ball on the floor and started to cry himself and pretended I was going to hit him.

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