Did you know that the scapegoat in the family is often the first to see the truth about what’s happening in the family? It’s true – and there are several reasons why. Before we discuss the reasons, let’s ensure we’re on the same page by defining a scapegoat.
What is a scapegoat in a toxic family?
When it comes to toxic families, the scapegoat is the person who is most often blamed for anything that goes wrong, even when they’re not directly involved.
“Scapegoating involves when a group targets a person who dares to speak up a group issue, but not conveniently, into an issue about the speaker, rather than have it be addressed by the group,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Evaline Wu in her scapegoat series.
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How does it feel to be the scapegoat?
As a scapegoat in a family or social group, you may feel alone and isolated, like no one understands what you are going through.
Maybe everyone encourages you to get professional help, and you’ve tried – but the therapist focused on YOU and not the family around you, so you didn’t get any help at all.
You may have been further traumatized by someone who couldn’t recognize your situation.
Where did the term ‘scapegoat’ come from?
In the 16th century, the word scapegoat was used to describe ritual animals used by Jewish people to carry off their sins before Yom Kippur.
Pointing out that this is a story about two goats, Corbeth adds, “One goat was mortally sacrificed, and another who was cast to the wilderness.”
“This “cast” goat was to carry all the sins of his tribe. The goat was chosen to carry away the “sins of man” so it would release all the tribe members of their guilt.”
Corbeth goes on to explain that this act would cause all of the members of the tribe to feel relieved since they’d cast their sins on to the poor animal, and adds that this made everyone happy.
Scapegoats are subjected to emotional and psychological abuse.
The scapegoated family member will be psychologically and emotionally abused, just like the rest of the family, when a narcissist is involved.
The scapegoat is blamed, shamed, smeared, and otherwise abused and manipulated, often without remorse or even concern from other family members or group members.
The difference is that they are exposed to more of it than the other members of the toxic family.
And the worst part is that the abuse will come from other family or group members inadvertently.
Why do other family members take part in abusing the scapegoat?
It is not usually intentional; it’s just how the family avoids facing its own toxicity.
Like the original scapegoat (from the Bible and in Greek Mythology), the family lays its problems on the doorstep of the scapegoat and feels relieved when they do.
“This process of projection, shaming, and blaming serves to divert attention away from the rest of the family’s mental and emotional problems via casting the targeted family member into the role of ‘scapegoat,’ psychotherapist Rebecca Mandeville, author of Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role explains. “It is sometimes the case that families who scapegoat one of their own are oblivious to the fact that they are engaging in psycho-emotional abuse and will become highly defensive if this is pointed out.”
Because the scapegoated family member is portrayed as the “problem child,” the other family members, even those who would not otherwise be abusive, will take part in abusing the scapegoat.
And a lot of times, the scapegoat will find themselves falling into the role by doubting their own worthiness and beginning to believe that they really are intrinsically wrong.
What happens when the scapegoat tries to tell the rest of the family about their discovery?
In some cases, the other family members might be willing to acknowledge the issues.
But in most cases, they won’t admit what’s happening, either because they benefit from it or because they just can’t see it and are stuck in the narrative that the scapegoat is a walking problem.
The truth is that if the scapegoat’s abuse benefits them in some way, most family members don’t want to know, and they refuse to acknowledge the truth either because they are enablers or don’t want to deal with it the unpleasantness of it all.
An Example of the Scapegoat Archetype
One example of a scapegoat can be seen in Nathaniel Hawthorne’s 1852 novel The Scarlet Letter, in which Pearl Prynne is a perfect example of the scapegoat archetype.
In the novel, the townspeople see Pearl as an incarnation of Hester Prynne’s sin and punish her for it—even though she had nothing to do with her mother’s misdeeds.
What else would you expect? From very early in their lives, scapegoats are taught they’re worthless and cause all family problems.
The bad news is that some scapegoats never realize the truth.
The good news? Many will experience the scapegoat awakening.
What is the Scapegoat Awakening?
While you might imagine something like an “awakening” would be a huge deal, and you’d come out of such a realization with some kind of new clarity, it’s not all that dramatic and profound.
It can be considered an awakening when you realize something isn’t what you thought.
So, when the scapegoat recognizes that they’re NOT the entire world’s biggest piece of poo, they have had their awakening.
But that’s not what matters here; what’s important is what they do next.
How does the scapegoat awakening happen?
We know scapegoats are often the first family members to see something wrong.
This is partly because they’re often worn down from being scapegoated and made to feel like everything’s their fault.
It is so emotionally exhausting that many scapegoats actually start to believe that they are the problem.
This will often lead them to start researching – except they’re not researching what’s wrong with the family.
That was true for me.
If they’re anything like I was, the scapegoat begins by looking for answers to what is wrong with THEM, not the people doing the scapegoating.
How does being the scapegoat affect you long term?
Any type of emotional abuse can cause psychological trauma, anxiety, and even PTSD-like symptoms such as depression, loneliness, and flashbacks.
The narcissist’s toxic family structure is typically characterized by chaos and dysfunction. The narcissist will use their partner or child as a scapegoat for the narcissist’s own feelings of inadequacy and lack of control.
This is confirmed by Mandeville, who explains that in her professional experience, “the rejecting, shaming, and otherwise non-nurturing, harmful, and abusive family environment my clients grew up in (and had no means of escaping from) has actually contributed to their experiencing symptoms of Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD – which is also known as complex trauma disorder) secondary to chronic parental / family psycho-emotional (and at times physical) abuse.”
You must remember that narcissists rely on their family members to meet their need for narcissistic supply – and before the “awakening,” a scapegoat will do anything to please the narcissist.
If you were your family’s scapegoat, you’ll be able to relate to this discussion, in which Lise Colucci and I talk about being the scapegoat and what happens when the scapegoat in a family situation recognizes that there’s a problem in the family.
This might involve a narcissistic parent and/or several other toxic elements.
Also discussed is how to recognize and acknowledge when there is a narcissist in a primary role and how the scapegoat interacts with the other roles (such as the golden one, the lost one, the invisible one, the funny one, etc.).
Plus: how siblings or other family members may react and choose to stick with the narcissist and their enablers and deny the reality the family is dealing with, including how they keep secrets from (and for) the toxic people and how the scapegoat is most commonly alienated and actively put down, among other things.
Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today
How Do You Overcome Shame in Narcissistic Abuse Recovery?
If you have just come out of a relationship with a narcissist, you may find yourself feeling ashamed of many things – up to and including feeling shame about who you are as a person. This can cause significant bumps in your narcissistic abuse recovery and in your life, to put it mildly.
So how do you overcome shame during or after a toxic relationship with an abusive narcissist? It can feel impossible, and it might even seem hopeless – but there are ways you can work through and overcome this.
What is Shame?
Shame is a defense mechanism that protects us from the painful realities of our past. When it comes to having been in a toxic relationship with a narcissist, shame feels like a deep, dark feeling that can be hard to shake if you’ve ever been in a relationship with a narcissist.
Some things you might experience as a result of dealing with shame in a toxic relationship with a narcissist include the following.
Narcissists will create situations that make you feel as though you did something wrong or inappropriate – even when you didn’t.
Shame can be an extremely difficult emotion to overcome because it makes you feel helpless.
Shame keeps you doubting yourself.
Shame fuels the lie that “you could have done more.”
Shame convinces you that you have no right to be proud of your accomplishments or to celebrate your successes.
What is the difference between shame and guilt?
Shame is an emotion that we feel when we feel unlovable. It is a feeling of worthlessness and it goes hand in hand with guilt.
Guilt is the feeling of having done something wrong. Shame is the feeling of being something wrong.
While guilt is feeling bad about our actions, shame is feeling bad about who we are, intrinsically.
Why do we feel so much shame in narcissistic abuse?
We experience shame whenever someone makes us feel like we don’t belong, or when they make us feel like we are not good enough. It’s a common emotion to feel after leaving a relationship with a narcissist because they are always trying to make us feel that way.
When we have been in a relationship with a narcissist who has been gaslighting us, projecting their own faults and flaws onto us, and making us believe that we were crazy, stupid, or otherwise inferior in some way all along, it can be difficult to avoid feelings of shame if this person was also someone who you loved very much.
It’s important to remember that the only reason you stayed in this relationship for as long as you did was that you truly believed that there was something wrong with you and that it was your fault; otherwise, you would have left sooner!
What is the connection between trauma and shame?
Nearly everyone who goes through a toxic relationship that involves narcissistic abuse will find themselves left with serious trauma issues. And when we experience something traumatic, it is common to feel a sense of shame. We may feel ashamed of ourselves and our circumstances. We may even feel ashamed that we allowed the abuse to occur and continue for so long. We may feel like a fool for not seeing the warning signs or for not having the courage to leave sooner.
This shame can be one of the hardest parts of recovery from narcissistic abuse. It is a shame that often manifests as anger, anxiety, depression, and guilt. These feelings are very isolating because they make us feel like we are alone in our experiences and that there is no way out of our pain.
What are the signs you’re being shamed by a narcissist?
You Have Intrusive Toxic Thoughts
Once you allow shame into your life, it becomes very easy to accept other toxic thoughts as truths as well such as:
“No one really cares about me.”
“People won’t listen to me.”
“I don’t deserve better than this.”
“I’m not good enough.”
You Accept Responsibility for Everything – Including the Shame
You might feel like the shame is yours, but it’s not. The narcissist is shaming you. He or she is projecting their own feelings of shame onto you. By making you feel ashamed of yourself and your actions, the narcissist can control you.
You Feel ‘Dead Inside’
Narcissists have a way of making people wish for the worst. If you’ve dealt with a narcissist who has shamed you and you’ve ever thought or said you were ‘dead inside’ – that’s a big sign that you’re dealing with shame. Please remember that you deserve better.
Dissociation (or feeling disconnected, like you’re not really here, like you’re in a fog, watching your life on a movie screen, or anything similar) is another common experience shared by survivors who deal with shame.
The Narcissist’s Behaviors
The good news is that you don’t have to live in this hell forever. The first step to overcoming shame is recognizing the signs of being shamed by a narcissist:
They tell you that if only you did what they want, things would be better
They call you names and put down your appearance or abilities
They criticize everything you do, say, think, or feel.
How do you overcome shame?
Survivors of narcissistic abuse often struggle to move past feelings of shame because they believe they should be able to do so more quickly.
When we’re in a narcissistic relationship we are bombarded with shame at every turn—shame for things we haven’t done or shouldn’t feel guilty about, shame for things we wouldn’t normally be ashamed of (such as loving someone), and shame for things we would have felt prideful about prior to entering into the relationship (such as analyzing or understanding the narcissist).
Step One: Understand Why You Feel Shame
The shame you feel can be overcome by understanding why you feel it. Realize that the shame is not yours but rather the narcissist’s and that he or she projected the feelings onto you. Don’t take it on, and watch as the shame disappears.
Remember: You are not your shame.
Once you can see that this is what’s going on, even if they try to deny it, there are steps you can take to overcome the shame:
First, remember that in overcoming shame following a relationship with a narcissist, you are:
These are all accomplishments – they take time, effort, and energy. Pat yourself on the back and recognize how significant that is – and then go on to step two.
Step Two: Choose Your Boundaries
So, if you’re going to set boundaries, you have to know what behaviors are acceptable for you, and which ones aren’t. Be aware that the narcissist will not love the fact that you begin to change and tolerate less and less of their disrespect and manipulation. But keep going. It’s worth it – I promise.
Boundaries are extremely important in any relationship, whether it’s a friend, loved one, family, or lover. But in narcissistic abuse recovery, they can become even more important.
Obviously, this causes problems in relationships with other people, most certainly those who are their primary sources of narcissistic supply. They overstep your boundaries to manipulate situations to get their own way. They will flit between abusive cycles of blame and manipulation to try and control you.
Your average person might not ever overstep your boundaries, or if they do, will correct their behavior if you note it. Not so with narcissists. That’s why it’s so important to maintain your boundaries in toxic relationships.
The bad news? The second you fall in love with someone, the likelihood that you’ll be dealing with relationship trauma increases exponentially. The good news is that you don’t have to suffer in silence – and there are things you can do to begin to heal and resolve relationship trauma and move forward.
What is relationship trauma?
Relationship trauma is a term used by psychologists and other mental health professionals to identify the condition people suffer after having been subjected to relationship abuse (emotional, physical, and otherwise). Many victims were also exposed to prolonged and/or extreme forms of abuse/neglect during childhood. This can predispose them to end up in toxic relationships as an adult, which cause them to be retraumatized in adulthood.
What are the signs of relationship trauma?
The signs of relationship trauma can be as subtle as they are obvious. If you’re dealing with it, you’re far from alone. In fact, according to the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, nearly 10% of couples experience relationship abuse. Other research shows that as many as 40% of women and 25% of men have experienced some form of domestic violence in their lifetime; 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men report having been sexually or physically assaulted by a partner at some point in their life.
Common signs of abuse include:
Fear for your safety
Feeling trapped and/or controlled
Being isolated from friends and family
Losing self-confidence and self-esteem
Depression
Anxiety
Feeling like you can’t trust anyone else (including yourself)
Acute trauma is the result of a single incident that traumatized the victim. This could be something like a car accident, having your home broken into, being raped or assaulted, or even a natural disaster. In any case, the event is extreme enough to cause you to doubt your physical security.
Chronic Trauma
Chronic trauma happens through prolonged trauma that happens over the course of time. According to MedicineNet, it “may result from a long-term serious illness, sexual abuse, domestic violence, bullying, and exposure to extreme situations, such as a war.”
Complex Trauma
Complex trauma means that you’ve dealt with a variety of traumatic events, to put it mildly.
“The events are generally within the context of an interpersonal (between people) relationship,” writes Shaziya Allarakha, MD.“It may give the person a feeling of being trapped. Complex trauma often has a severe impact on the person’s mind. It may be seen in individuals who have been victims of childhood abuse, neglect, domestic violence, family disputes, and other repetitive situations, such as civil unrest.”
What does relationship trauma look like?
Relationship trauma can profoundly affect your entire adult life, including your present-day relationships, career, family life (including communication with your own children).
People develop different types of relationship trauma that can change the way they relate to others. Some people become addicted to relationships that are too good to be true. Others fear intimacy and can’t get close enough to their partners. They’re afraid of being entrapped by someone they love, and this fear may keep them stuck in unhealthy relationships. Some psychologists suggest that this could also be related to attachment styles developed early in childhood.
What are the long-term effects of relationship trauma?
The long-term effects of relationship trauma are varied and depend on both the person and the traumas they’ve suffered. Some examples include the following.
Parental rejection leads to toxic people pleasing
Valuing yourself highly and feeling safe and secure is important for everyone, but it’s especially important for those who’ve suffered from parental rejection. At the root of this is the belief that your value is based on what you do, not who you are. This leads people to put their own needs aside, putting themselves at risk for burnout and breakdown.
Sexual shame leads to extremely low self-worth and intimacy issues
Trauma tends to make us think we’re broken — we may come to believe that we’re “damaged goods” or “damaged goods who can’t be fixed.” If this is our experience with sex, it makes sense that some people would have a hard time enjoying sex or being interested in sex. In some cases, it’s been hard for these people to see themselves as sexual beings at all.
Others have trouble understanding what sex has to do with their value as a person. Or they’ve had parts of them broken so long that they don’t think they have a right to enjoy sex or be sexual at all. All of this can lead to chronic sexual shame and a need for constant reassurance of the kind “I’m good enough” or “I’m lovable.”
Risk avoidance leads to isolation and chronic fear
If you’ve had a lot of parental rejection or sexual shame or both, one thing may become clear: You don’t feel good about yourself most of the time. You may grow up thinking that if you’re not perfect, then you’re worthless. That can lead you to avoid situations where things might go wrong, which often means avoiding new experiences altogether or limiting your experiences to those that feel safer to you.
You may feel unable to trust anyone ever again. You might not want to believe that another person could do this to you again. But the truth is, it’s not rational for you to have total trust in anyone else from here on out. You can learn to trust selectively and build a bond of mutual respect again with a partner who has betrayed you in some way.
Why do we stay with partners who traumatize us?
You can’t change the past, but you can move forward. If you find yourself with an abusive partner, you might be afraid to leave, or you might even wish you could go back once the relationship ends. This is likely a result of trauma bonding and C-PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder).
Similar to Stockholm Syndrome, this is a condition that causes abuse victims to develop a psychological dependence on the narcissist as a survival strategy during abuse. Trauma bonding also makes recovering from a toxic relationship significantly more difficult.
What is C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)?
Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is a serious mental health condition affecting a large percentage of victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse. This disorder can take years to treat and many professionals aren’t familiar with its symptoms or misdiagnose it.
Some therapists and other mental health professionals may even victim-blame if they aren’t familiar with the subtle tricks of a narcissist. Unfortunately, it can be a lifelong condition, but it can be managed with mindfulness and behavior modification, among other therapies and modalities.
How do you end the cycle and recover from relationship trauma?
Relationship trauma is what happens when a relationship ends and one or both parties have difficulty processing that experience. You can experience relationship trauma in a variety of ways, but, in general, the process involves the following steps:
Recognizing that you’ve dealt with traumatic abuse in a toxic relationship
Acknowledging the impact the relationship had on you
Coming to grips with your feelings about the relationship and how it ended
Deciding what to do next with your feelings and your life
Moving forward with your life without the toxic person in it.
The DUO Method was designed to help survivors of narcissistic abuse take back their lives. The good news is that you don’t need to do this all by yourself. It is possible to overcome the pain and move on, especially if you’ve learned from the situation. Start here if you’d like to start your recovery right now.
Here are a few pieces of advice for moving forward.
1. Ask for help.
There’s no shame in asking friends and family to help you through a difficult time because they know what you’re going through better than anyone else. They might be able to offer insight into the hurt you’re experiencing or help you regain perspective on your situation. You can also reach out to a coach or therapist, who can help guide you through this process and give you support as you work toward recovery. Online support groups can also be very helpful for survivors of narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships.
2. Remember that recovery is a process, not a destination.
You can’t just snap your fingers and expect yourself to be instantly healed. Narcissistic abuse recovery takes time and effort, so don’t expect everything to turn around immediately. Too many of us have been hurt in relationships that came to a bad end, and we’ve been left to pick up the pieces. It’s a difficult thing to do, but there are some things you can do to help yourself heal.
3. Release the need to hold the narcissist accountable.
Obviously, forgiveness isn’t really an easy thing when it comes to recovering from relationship trauma. But you don’t have to traditionally forgive the narcissist. Rather, you need to release the need to hold them accountable and release the need to remain connected to them.
4. Be honest with yourself about what happened.
When a toxic person hurts you, you’re not wrong to blame them for your pain, but staying stuck in victimhood will prevent you from recovering. Instead, it can be more productive to look at the situation objectively and consider how you found yourself in this relationship in the first place and how you could have handled the situation differently. While the narcissist will never be able to do the work to figure out why they hurt you or what it really means, you can certainly recognize what happened by learning to understand the dynamics of toxic relationships. Thoroughly understanding why you found yourself there and what made you stay can also help you avoid future toxic relationships.
5. Go no contact if possible.
In order to work through a relationship trauma, you also need time and space away from the person who hurt you. This isn’t just about getting away from them — it’s about regrouping and getting a new perspective on what happened. You must understand that your experience was real and valid, despite the fact that your abuser likely gaslighted you and made you doubt yourself and your reality. This takes time and requires healing. If you can, go no contact (or low contact, if you have children under 18 with this person).
7. Move forward and create the life you want and deserve.
In the end, you can intentionally choose to heal and then create the life you want and deserve. It’s a sort of personal evolution that can often be the silver lining to this otherwise miserable situation.
When dealing with relationship trauma, focus on finding healthy outlets for your feelings so you can move forward with life. Find a therapist or psychologist who is an expert in dealing with these kinds of issues. Spend time with people who can give you feedback on how your actions have affected them or others around them; seek support groups; make healthy choices, and take good care of yourself while healing.
The QueenBeeing SPANily, Official – We consider this to be the best narcissistic abuse recovery support group on the web. Offers several subgroups and features a vigilant, compassionate admin team full of trained coaches and survivors, supporting more than 12k members. SPAN is an acronym created by Angie Atkinson that stands for Support for People Affected by Narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships.
Other Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups– We also have separate groups for each stage in your narcissistic abuse recovery, as well as some for those who have moved past recovery and are evolving into the next stage of their own life. Survivors have unique and individual needs, even when they’ve moved on – so we’re still here for you.
One-on-One Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching – If you prefer to get more personalized support in your recovery, you might like to schedule a session with one of our coaches to plan and execute your own narcissistic abuse recovery plan.
Find a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapist – If you’re looking for a therapist for narcissistic abuse recovery, either because you cannot afford coaching and want to use your health insurance or because you have additional issues you need to address that do not fall within the realm of coaching, you will want to find the right therapist for you – and as far as we’re concerned, that therapist must understand what you’ve been through. This page offers assistance to help you do exactly that.
While not all narcissists can be described as sadists, narcissism and sadism go hand in hand. Let’s explore the relationship between sadism and narcissism, as well as the psychology of sadistic narcissists.
How is sadism different than narcissism?
Once you begin to learn the traits of a sadist, you might have trouble distinguishing them from people who have narcissistic personality disorder. Both are manipulative, arrogant, disdainful, indifferent, critical of others, controlling of others, and lacking in empathy. Both will seek to isolate their targets through the use of contempt to encourage social alienation.
What is sadism?
Sadism is the enjoyment of cruelty in others, including in oneself. To be titled a sadist, this enjoyment must be intentional, not accidental. The term is derived from the name of Marquis de Sade, an 18th-century philosopher, and writer who got pleasure from inflicting pain on others.
The diagnostic criteria of the DSM-IV-TR, a catalog of distinctive symptoms used by mental health professionals to categorize psychological conditions, lists sadism as a potential symptom of certain personalities. In particular, it is considered a symptom of antisocial personality disorder, psychopathy, and paranoid personality disorder. In the context of BDSM, the term “sadomasochism” is used.
What are the traits of a sadist?
Sadists are known for their aggressive or dominant behavior that stems from a desire to impose their will on others, whether they be friends or strangers.
Sadists often portray themselves as victims of circumstances beyond their control.
Sadists are people who have a strong interest in inflicting pain on others, especially if they derive pleasure from the suffering of others. That sounds like a lot of online commenters, doesn’t it?
A sadist is someone who takes pleasure in pain, malice, or suffering.
They don’t care about their partners, their children or even themselves.
They often make you feel like an object without a past or a future or a reason to exist.
They can be charming at first but eventually, they reveal their true nature and make you feel small, insignificant, and worthless.
What is narcissism?
Narcissism is a deeply rooted personality trait whose roots may be traced to childhood experiences. For the most part, when we’re referring to narcissism, we’re talking about the kind that might also be a personality disorder – usually a cluster B personality disorder. When we say “narcissist” what we really mean is someone who is a malignant narcissist or pathological narcissist.
More than a third of people who are diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder reportedly have a sadistic side.
Narcissists tend to be self-absorbed and self-centered. They often have no empathy for others and have difficulty identifying with the feelings or feelings of others – which leads to a lack of concern for their well-being and safety.
A sadist enjoys inflicting pain on others or being the cause of others’ pain. This may include aggression, cruelty, lack of empathy, and indifference to victimization. In other words, people who exhibit these character traits tend to derive pleasure from the suffering of others.
Sadistic narcissists combine these two personality traits into one very dangerous combination: they enjoy inflicting pain on others and enjoy seeing others hurt as well.
What is sadistic narcissism?
If sadism is to love (and/or lust after) another person’s pain, then it certainly can coexist with narcissism. Sadistic narcissism seems to be almost ingrained into the person displaying it, which is sort of possible since it most often begins to develop as early as infancy and is dependent on how the mother bonded with the child, or not. It is often also the result of being controlled, ignored, over-controlled, and/or otherwise traumatized later in childhood during important developmental years. People who become sadistic narcissists often use their lack of empathy and cunning nature to get ahead in business (ethically or otherwise) and to attract the partners they want, who will often later become their victims.
What are the traits of a sadistic narcissist?
A narcissistic sadist is someone who has both a sadistic personality and a tendency toward narcissism. The narcissist-sadist combo is especially dangerous because it can create intimidation and fear in their victims, making them more vulnerable to further abuse.
Feel superior to others.
Can be shockingly cold to people, and also irresistibly kind and warm if and when it suits them.
Indifferent to punishment (which allows them to get away with things they wouldn’t otherwise be able to)
Lack empathy.
Highly manipulative
Use their knowledge of others’ weaknesses to control them.
Find pleasure in the suffering of others and in treating others as objects – in other words, they treat people like things.
Take pleasure in hurting others by inflicting pain or humiliation, or by taunting them with cruel jibes.
.How do you deal with a sadistic narcissist?
There are several steps you can take to deal with a sadistic narcissist.
First, you’ll need to recognize that the abuse is happening. Maybe that sounds funny to you, but it is really difficult sometimes to even recognize the abuse from a sadistic narcissist, thanks to the extreme mind games they’re prone to play. In fact, many victims will describe their abusive relationships as normal and even good before they realized they were being abused. Narcissistic abuse, in general, can be subtle and sneaky, so don’t beat yourself up if you’ve missed it.
After you’ve recognized the abuse and you’ve started to learn about what you’ve been dealing with, you’ll want to know more about both narcissists and about narcissistic abuse. This is normal – take your time and do the research you need to do to fully understand it. But don’t stay stuck in research forever!
You’re going to want to assemble a sort of support system to help hold you up during this process. Start by identifying the people closest to you who you can completely trust. Don’t be surprised if this group is very small. You can also look for local support groups if you feel comfortable with in-person support.
In any case, connecting with others who have also experienced being victimized by sadistic narcissists can be incredibly validating and can help in your recovery. Whether you’re worried about face-to-face contact because you’re afraid people will find out what you’ve experienced, or because you don’t like crowds, or because you’re struggling with fear or even just social anxiety, you might not love the idea of connecting in person.
You might also not know anyone you can trust with this particular problem because those who understand won’t support you, or because no one understands at all. In that case, and even if you just want a little extra support, you can look into online narcissistic abuse recovery support groups, or you can seek help from professionals who can provide support and guidance as you begin the healing process.
Do you have a strained relationship with your adult child? Do they seem to have an overblown sense of entitlement? Do they think the world revolves around them and get offended if you don’t agree? Do they ever try to control you or your choices, either directly or through guilt trips or manipulation? Do they make unreasonable demands on your time or expect you to pay their bills? Do they make up stories about things that never happened? Do they deny things that you know to be true?
Could your adult child be a narcissist?
Have you found yourself wondering what you did wrong in raising them or what happened to the child you once knew? Have you asked yourself if your child might be a narcissist? How can you tell? And what are you supposed to do if you find out that your child is a narcissist?
What is a narcissist?
We’re not talking about someone who takes too many selfies or is overly concerned with their appearance, necessarily, though those signs might be present. Still, those signs alone aren’t enough to identify a malignant narcissist.
In this case, we’re talking about a toxic or malignant narcissist, we mean someone who has been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (or would be, if a psychologist had the opportunity). Malignant narcissists are known to have certain features of antisocial personality disorder well as paranoid traits and ego-driven aggression. Additionally, you might see that they seem to have an absence of conscience, a psychological need for power, and an inflated sense of self-importance and entitlement.
What are the risk factors for developing narcissistic personality disorder?
You’re probably asking yourself how your child could have become a narcissist, right? Maybe you did everything right and it makes no sense to you. Or perhaps you were married to a narcissist and you tried really hard to protect your child from them, and now you don’t understand why they would land on the “dark side” after all you’ve done. So, what causes a child to grow up and become a narcissist? In this video, I explain how narcissists are created.
With that being said, from a psychological standpoint, it looks like narcissists are created in a few different ways. For the most part, chances are that one or more of the following happened.
An Insecure Attachment Style
Most narcissists are found to have developed an insecure attachment style. This is according to attachment theory, which is a psychological, evolutionary, and ethological theory concerning relationships between humans. When it comes to narcissistic abuse recovery, the significance of attachment theory and attachment style cannot be overstated. The premise of attachment theory is that, during infancy, children have a deep, intrinsic need to develop a relationship with at least one primary caregiver (specifically, the mother in most cases) for normal social and emotional development. When this doesn’t happen, the development of the brain and psychology are affected in dramatic ways, leading to unhealthy attachment styles. Certain attachment styles can naturally lead to both narcissism and codependency. Learn more about attachment styles and how they affect the development of both narcissists and codependents.
Maybe your child is adopted and spent a few days or weeks after birth waiting to be adopted. Maybe it was much longer than that. I explore the possibilities in this video, where I answer a question from a follower named Diana Gish, who wanted to know whether adopted children are more likely to become narcissists than other kids.
Diana said: Most narcissist videos I see relate to children who became narcissists due to parental behavior. Can you confirm the reverse – whether an adopted child fears abandonment more than a nonadopted child, and whether a child will display narcissistic behavior toward adoptive parents much like between spouses – blaming, poorly handling truth, failure to acknowledge anything good has been done for them, or bonding?
Due to an Extended Hospital Stay After the Birth
Perhaps your child was born prematurely or had some other condition at birth that caused them to need to be in the hospital for a long time for was in the hospital for a long time after birth, or you (or their mother, if you’re not their mother) had post-partum depression. In this case, as well as in the case of the adopted child who wasn’t properly nurtured in the first few days, weeks, or months after birth, your child could’ve developed an insecure attachment style, which may have contributed to the narcissistic traits you’re noticing.
Abuse, Neglect, or Other Ongoing Trauma in Childhood
Your child was emotionally, physically, or otherwise abused in childhood. Whether or not it happened at home, if your child experienced any ongoing abuse in childhood, the effects of the abuse could have contributed to their toxic behaviors. Perhaps you were married to a narcissist and your child watched you go through the abuse yourself – and maybe their other parent even encouraged your child to join in on abusing you verbally or otherwise. Or maybe you had to work a lot of hours and couldn’t spend as much time as you’d have liked with your child. There might have been times where your child felt alone and abandoned as a result. There’s also the chance that a sibling or even someone outside of your home caused trauma through physical, sexual or emotional abuse. It might have been a teacher, babysitter, grandparent, family friend, or even a school bully.
How do you know if your adult child is a narcissist?
They Feel Entitled to Your Attention and Your Money
Your adult child continues to engage in the same kinds of attention-seeking behaviors they did as a small child.
They demand your time or attention even when you are dealing with some crisis or other kind of personal stress.
They always minimize or ignore what you do for them, but you continue to help them anyway out of fear or obligation,despite the fact that you feel unappreciated.
Your adult child seems jealous or any when you show attention to others, including but not limited to their own children (your grandchildren).
They Don’t React React Normally If A Loved One Is Sick Or Passes Away
While inappropriate relations to death or illness can certainly be an indication of narcissism in your adult child, chances are that you’d have noticed this kind of behavior and types of reactions earlier in childhood.
Your adult child either over or under-reacts to family members’ or friends’ death or illness.
When you’ve been sick or otherwise in danger, your child may not have shown compassion or any genuine concern.
If you are visibly upset or even crying, your child would have either ignored or minimized you, or they would have somehow made it all about them and their own issues.
They also may over-or-under-react to the death of their pets.
They Have Unrealistically High Expectations
Your adult child has pie-in-the-sky expectations all the time, in nearly every situation.
They are always putting others down and pointing out areas where people don’t “measure up” to them or others.
They will become overly critical of you as their parent or as a person.
They will judge your life choices and the way you present yourself.
They Can’t Seem To Maintain Long-Term Friendships
Your adult child can’t seem to keep friends for long, or they have one or two friends who seem to be their little “minions” or “cronies” – flying monkeys who do their bidding at will.
They seem to idealize their friends or romantic partnerships initially, followed by a period of devaluation until they either discard them or restart the cycle. This might go on for decades.
They might have a spouse or partner who seemed absolutely perfect until the spouse or partner starts accusing your child of psychological or emotional abuse.
They will never genuinely apologize, and if they ever do say they’re sorry, they prove they don’t mean it.
My Adult Child is a Narcissist! What now?
So, assuming you’ve determined that your adult child is a narcissist, what are you supposed to do? Should you go no contact with them? How could a parent go no contact with their own child? Well, here’s the thing. These are difficult and painful questions, and even more so when you consider the possibilities – and the fact that by the time they’re an adult, there is little hope for a narcissist to really change.
Sadly, your options for dealing with your adult child when they have narcissistic personality disorder will come down to essentially two choices – and neither one is one you really want to make.
Do you accept the abuse in order to continue to have a relationship with your child, who for most of us, is among the most important people in your life? OR
Do you end your relationship with your adult child in order to maintain your own sanity, health, and emotional wellbeing?
No one wants to have to make this choice when it comes to their own child, right? But when the adult child is narcissistic, they drain you of your energy and they absolutely will not respect your boundaries.
When Should You Go No Contact With Your Narcissistic Adult Child?
The last thing that any parent wants to do is go no contact with their flesh and blood. However, unfortunately, it is necessary at times when it comes to the adult narcissistic child. So, if you’ve decided that you cannot tolerate their abuse and manipulation any longer, when is it appropriate to go no contact with the adult narcissistic child?
When It Affects Your Health
Narcissistic abuse is well-known to both cause and complicate health problems you might be struggling with. As we get older, it’s important to remember to be mindful of this. If your adult child is disrespecting your boundaries repeatedly and it is taking a toll on your mental and physical health, it’s time to go no contact with your adult child. Keep a close eye on your overall stress levels and health. If you are struggling to get proper sleep, if you are struggling to eat, or dealing with depression, anxiety, and chronic pain, the time has come to go no contact.
When the Behavior Becomes Abuse
There is never an excuse for abuse, but you might not really recognize that you’re being abused by your own adult child. If this is the case, you’ll often feel exhausted or like you’re walking on eggshells with them. In other words, if the blatant disrespect, lies, and personal attacks that your child dishes out are worsening, to the point that you feel you’re being abused, it is time to go no contact.
When They Try to Ruin You
It’s difficult to imagine that your adult child might actually do something to intentionally ruin your life, but it happens more often than you’d expect. If your adult narcissistic child is angry with you about something and they are smearing your name and ruining your reputation, that is the time to go no contact. You have had to deal with your child gaslighting you, disrespecting your boundaries, and devaluing you for so long. If they smear your name and violate your privacy, then you will want to consider going no contact.
Can you maintain a relationship with your adult narcissistic child?
Can you maintain an adult relationship with someone who is a toxic narcissist? Sure. Should you? That’s entirely your choice. And listen, I don’t think anyone would judge you if you chose to stick it out with your adult child if they’re a narcissist. But you have to understand what you’re going to be dealing with if you do. So, expect that they will not change, and understand that if you want to keep them in your life while reducing the stress and overwhelm involved, there are steps you can take to minimize the damage and to reduce the friction of the relationship.
Steps to Keeping the Peace With a Narcissistic Adult Child
Some people will swear that with enough validation and proper counseling, things could get better in your relationship with your toxic adult child. But the truth is that by the time someone is an adult, you cannot help them change if they don’t want to change.
As you are probably aware, your average non-narcissist is perfectly able to create meaningful change in their lives with intention (thanks in part to neuroplasticity). That’s because, not only might they want to change, but they can recognize that there’s something they’re doing that is causing some undesired result in their lives. They can take responsibility for that and be willing to do something to make their desired result a reality.
However, if your adult child is truly a narcissist, they definitely will not have a problem with their own behavior, so they won’t see a need to change. Rather they will blame you and/or anyone else for the things that go wrong in their lives. Since nothing could possibly be their fault, they’ll literally destroy anyone who implies otherwise as they continue to refuse to accept responsibility for anything they don’t love about their lives.
How Do You Have a Relationship with Your Adult Child When They’re a Narcissist?
Keeping their limitations in mind, here is what you can do to keep the peace with your narcissistic adult child. The steps aren’t fair and they’re not easy. They won’t allow you to feel seen or heard, and they will leave you feeling exhausted and emotionally fried.
A Step-by-Step Guide to Building a Tolerable Relationship with an Adult Child Who is a Narcissist
If you want to maintain a tolerable relationship with your adult narcissistic child, here’s what you do.
Accept them for what they are, without questioning anything they do, say, think or feel.
Recognize that they will not offer you the same courtesy.
Never argue with anything they say, want, think or feel.
Offer them as much praise and validation as possible.
Avoid criticizing them if at all possible.
If you DO criticize, do the “compliment sandwich” thing. First give them a compliment, followed by the (gentle) criticism, followed by a compliment.
Be prepared to accept all responsibility for anything that goes wrong in the relationship or outside of it.
Be prepared to pay for or take responsibility for their bills or their behaviors.
If they attack you, try to use the gray rock method and avoid confrontation if at all possible.
Never try to “fix” them or “help” them get better. They do not want to change and cannot see a reason they should.
Avoid telling them you believe they’re a narcissist. If they are diagnosed, allow them to deal with their psychiatrist and only discuss the issues with them if they bring them up first.
Do you think your adult child is a narcissist? If so, here are some resources that might help you.
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Resources
The QueenBeeing SPANily, Official – We consider this to be the best narcissistic abuse recovery support group on the web. Offers several subgroups and features a vigilant, compassionate admin team full of trained coaches and survivors, supporting more than 12k members. SPAN is an acronym created by Angie Atkinson that stands for Support for People Affected by Narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships.
Other Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups– We also have separate groups for each stage in your narcissistic abuse recovery, as well as some for those who have moved past recovery and are evolving into the next stage of their own life. Survivors have unique and individual needs, even when they’ve moved on – so we’re still here for you.
One-on-One Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching – If you prefer to get more personalized support in your recovery, you might like to schedule a session with one of our coaches to plan and execute your own narcissistic abuse recovery plan.
Find a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapist – If you’re looking for a therapist for narcissistic abuse recovery, either because you cannot afford coaching and want to use your health insurance or because you have additional issues you need to address that do not fall within the realm of coaching, you will want to find the right therapist for you – and as far as we’re concerned, that therapist must understand what you’ve been through. This page offers assistance to help you do exactly that.
When you’ve dealt with narcissistic abuse for a long time and you finally get out, you’ll spend a lot of time first grieving and then healing. The narcissistic abuse recovery process can be long and complicated but at some point, you’re going to want to start “being your old self again.” You know, the self you used to be – before you met the narcissist.
And listen – I absolutely get it. I felt that way too. Who doesn’t want to get their old self back after going through a whole self-altering toxic relationship? After all, you’ve been walking around feeling like a ghost or a shell of yourself. The narcissist caused you to put all of your own interests on the back burner, or maybe they shamed you out of actually even thinking about the things you once enjoyed. It makes total sense that you’d want to feel like yourself again.
So, I’ve got good news for you, and I’ve got bad news. First, the bad news: here’s the thing. You’re never going to be able to become your old self again.
But don’t stress too much because, with that being said, here’s the good news: you can most certainly become an even more amazing version of yourself. Even better? When you create your new self with intention, you can almost literally become exactly the person you want to become.
Desperately Seeking Self
There might be a part of you that feels angry and overwhelmed by the idea that you can’t get your old self back. So before I tell you why you can’t be exactly who you were before narcissistic abuse, I want to remind you of something really important here.
You’ve got to first be compassionate with yourself and realize that you have been through an abusive relationship with a narcissist who did everything possible to tear you apart.
Most likely, you did not realize how profound the damage was until the relationship ended – because often, narcissists keep us in a sort of “spinning” state, where we are so busy trying to get through the days without upsetting or angering them that we don’t have time to slow down and recognize the extent of the effects of the trauma.
You can absolutely heal and you can totally take your life to the next level. But your old self is gone. And that might feel really scary.
Why You Can’t Be Your Old Self Again After Narcissistic Abuse
Is it really true that your old self is gone after enduring narcissistic abuse? In so many ways, yes. But is there a way that you can go back to being the person you were before the abuse? Not exactly – but at the very least, you can heal and move forward and live a satisfying life.
Still, there are a couple of pretty simple reasons that you won’t be able to become exactly who you were before narcissistic abuse.
Time Changes Everything
First, let’s look at the practical side of things – there’s the fact that time has passed. Maybe you’ve had kids. You’ve had more experiences. And you’re older now. You might have been in this relationship for 20 years – or maybe your whole life, if the narcissist you’ve dealt with was a parent or family member. Even without the trauma, you’d be a different person today than you were when you began the relationship. Time changes everything, and you are no exception.
Trauma Changes YOU
And then, there’s the science of trauma. See, the ongoing trauma of narcissistic abuse changes you. It changes who you become. It changes what might have been a happy, confident, secure person into someone who doubts their worth and their value every day. It takes away your ability to have a healthy, full life and causes you to hyper-focus on it as you try in vain to resolve it, repeatedly, over and over again. All of this ongoing abuse and trauma leads to literal brain damage.
Here is just a quick overview of how that happens. There are three significant parts of the brain, including the amygdala, hippocampus, and cortex.
The amygdala is the area of the brain that is known as the ‘fear center’. Each time you become scared or anxious, that area is activated. It also keeps the memories of the abuse in it and each time anyone talks about it, that activates the amygdala. the abuse you had endured is what caused the fear center to keep activating. And the constant activation of the fear center will cause it to increase. This can lead to mood disorders and anxiety disorders.
Then there is the hippocampus which is the area of the brain that stores short-term memories (which it then converts into long-term memories). The hippocampus dictates how and when you can learn anything new. However, uncontrolled stress will shrink the hippocampus. So, as you might imagine, the constant stress you’re dealing with when you’re in a toxic relationship with a narcissist will it to shrink. This leads you to struggle more with learning new things in addition to being extra forgetful.
And finally, there is the cortex of the brain. This is the area of the brain that is located right behind the eyes. This is the area that is in charge of planning, making decisions, attention, and memory. The cortex also shrinks the same way the hippocampus does when you are under too much uncontrolled stress. This causes decision-making tp become a challenge. Your attention span gets shorter. You’re far more likely to deal with depression. You might be dealing with apathy, meaning you just don’t feel like you can do anything at all – that feeling of being just stuck. And you stop caring about yourself. You might even stop showering or brushing your teeth. Self-care becomes a thing of the past.
But the good news is that the brain can be retrained, and you don’t have to feel stuck in this trauma loop forever. And there are things you can do on your own at home to actually start to sort of “rewire your brain.” That is thanks to neuroplasticity.
Neuroplasticity offers hope for survivors of narcissistic abuse like nothing else. See, this is how our brain can “rewire itself” by forming new neural connections throughout life. This means that the neurons (nerve cells) in the brain can compensate for injury and disease and to adjust themselves in response to new situations or to changes in their environment. Even better, we can intentionally control this process if we choose to do so. I’ll link to a video with additional information about this in the description below.
How to Become the Best Possible Version of Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse
So, thanks to both time and the effects of the ongoing trauma you experienced in a toxic relationship with an abusive narcissist, you cannot technically be exactly the same person you were before enduring narcissistic abuse. I mean, if we’re being honest, any profound experience changes you. But again, you can heal and move forward. Let’s talk about how you can do that.
Feel Your Feelings
When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you learn really quickly how to ignore your own emotions. You learn that your feelings don’t matter, at least not as much as the narcissist’s feelings. And so, when you get out of the relationship, you might keep going in that direction. For me personally, that was one of the worst things that I dealt with – forgetting how to feel my feelings. And honestly, I didn’t even WANT to feel them!
The truth is that one of the most significant mistakes I made in my own recovery was shoving my feelings down and trying to move on without feeling them. I really believed that this was the right thing to do at the time – I didn’t like how it felt to deal with those emotions and I didn’t fully know how to process them. It wasn’t until several years later – when I still hadn’t managed to heal – that I really got my head around this concept. That’s why, when I work with my narcissistic abuse recovery coaching and counseling clients, I make a point of teaching them how to feel their feelings and how to move forward from there. You can work on this at home by taking some time to sort of grieve the relationship. Cry, scream, throw things, break things – whatever you need to do to get through those emotions. It sucks, but you’ve got to do it if you want to take the next step toward healing.
Time Soothes Trauma
In addition to allowing your feelings to flow, you’ve got to give yourself the time you need to heal. Let’s face it – there’s a chance that you may not be 100 percent healed because triggers and reminders of the abuse will come up. Even if you get to the point of handling it well, you can still be affected one way or another. This is the time to get to know yourself again. Depending on your circumstances and the specifics of your situation, you might need to find a therapist, counselor, or coach who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery to help you find yourself again. It also helps to find a narcissistic abuse recovery support group so you can find support from others who have been where you are. Most importantly, remember that is no standard time limit for healing – each of us is a little different and will have different needs. You need to do what feels right for you, and to take as much time as you need to heal.
Firm Up Your Boundaries
During the relationship with the narcissist, your boundaries were repeatedly crossed, and no matter how firmly you’d had them set before, you might have almost forgotten how to set and stand behind them. When you are healing from narcissistic abuse, you’ve got an opportunity to learn or relearn how to set firm boundaries and how to ensure that they stick. And honestly, setting boundaries is not only necessary for your healing and continued wellbeing, but it is literally one of the best forms of self-care around. Whether it happened before or during your relationship, you might have been a people-pleaser – and while you don’t have to be rude or disrespectful to someone to enforce your boundaries, it might feel a little unnatural to you at first.
Maya Angelou once said, “Forgive yourself for what you didn’t know before you learned it.” I love this quote because it so perfectly expresses one of the most important things about narcissistic abuse recovery. Most survivors are relatively intelligent people who can easily read most other people. That’s why we are so likely to blame ourselves and beat ourselves up for taking the abuse as long as we did. And listen – I totally get it.
It is easy to blame yourself for not realizing what was happening and for accepting the abuse, and if you’re anything like me, you might be beating yourself up about it. You wonder how you fell for it – why you allowed it to happen in the first place, or why you didn’t leave sooner.
Some small part of you might even secretly think you deserved it all along. But my friend – it is not your fault. You did not sign up for this relationship with the full knowledge of what would happen. You certainly didn’t know that you’d be forced to endure narcissistic abuse. And for the record, you definitely did not deserve it. No one deserves this.
So take the time to acknowledge that you have encountered a traumatic and devastating situation, and recognize that, regardless of how you feel today, at one time, your ability to accurately perceive the situation may have been sort of clouded by your feelings for the abuser. Once you’re out, your perception will start to get clearer – and while it might take a little time, you’ll get to the point where you can see the truth.
Rewrite Your Story
Years ago, I wrote a course called Rewrite Your Story for narcissistic abuse survivors. (And then there’s this book on the same topic!) That’s because, so often, we sort of “misidentify” ourselves or see ourselves in a skewed way, thanks to the lies and gaslighting thrust our way by the narcissistic abuser in our lives. Basically, the way the abuser saw you is how you see yourself, at least on some level.
Now, you probably recognize that you’ve been gaslighted, and you realize that the abuser had every intention to ruin your self-esteem. You probably understand that this was all about control and keeping you “in your place” so that you could continue to provide narcissistic supply, while not realizing that you were really too good for the narcissist. The narcissist has known this all along, and that’s why they play these mind games – they don’t want you to recognize it and leave them.
Now, you struggle with low self-esteem because you see yourself through the narcissist’s eyes. When you begin to see your worth, you can really start to rewrite your story and realize that what the abuser said about you and you were a rubbish pile. If you’re struggling with this, you can work with a narcissistic abuse recovery coach, a therapist, or even do it on your own by taking my Rewrite Your Story course.
Remember That Knowledge Is Power
Before you got into an abusive relationship, you might not have known what kinds of warning signs or red flags you should watch for to keep yourself safe. Narcissistic abuse is so subtle and pervasive that you can literally be right in the middle of it and not see it. Or, maybe, like probably 90 percent of narcissistic abuse survivors, you were raised in an abusive family or had some other kind of trauma in childhood. This would lead you to have both a higher threshold for abuse as well as trouble setting boundaries. Your expectations for a relationship may have been lowered as well, and because toxic might have felt sort of “normal” for you, you might have tolerated or overlooked the early signs.
But now, you’ve recognized what you’ve had to deal with, and you may have even had a full-on epiphany that led you to this point. And, now that you know more about what a toxic relationship looks like and what kinds of behaviors are not acceptable to you, you are empowered to make better choices in the future. Knowledge really is power when it comes to healing from and growing forward after narcissistic abuse.
The bottom line is that while you may never be the person you were before the narcissistic abuse, you can absolutely heal and become the person you want and deserve to be afterward. You with me?
Question of the Day
What has changed about you since your experience with narcissistic abuse and what is the best piece of advice you’ve learned along the way that has been helpful for you? Share your thoughts, share your ideas and share your experiences in the comments section below this video, and let’s talk about it.
Resources for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support
The QueenBeeing SPANily, Official – We consider this to be the best narcissistic abuse recovery support group on the web. Offers several subgroups and features a vigilant, compassionate admin team full of trained coaches and survivors, supporting more than 12k members. SPAN is an acronym created by Angie Atkinson that stands for Support for People Affected by Narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships.
Other Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups– We also have separate groups for each stage in your narcissistic abuse recovery, as well as some for those who have moved past recovery and are evolving into the next stage of their own life. Survivors have unique and individual needs, even when they’ve moved on – so we’re still here for you.
One-on-One Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching – If you prefer to get more personalized support in your recovery, you might like to schedule a session with one of our coaches to plan and execute your own narcissistic abuse recovery plan.
Find a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapist – If you’re looking for a therapist for narcissistic abuse recovery, either because you cannot afford coaching and want to use your health insurance or because you have additional issues you need to address that do not fall within the realm of coaching, you will want to find the right therapist for you – and as far as we’re concerned, that therapist must understand what you’ve been through. This page offers assistance to help you do exactly that.
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, in which Pearl Prynne is a perfect example of the scapegoat archetype.
How do you overcome shame?
Do you have a strained relationship with your adult child? Do they seem to have an overblown sense of entitlement? Do they think the world revolves around them and get offended if you don’t agree? Do they ever try to control you or your choices, either directly or through guilt trips or manipulation? Do they make unreasonable demands on your time or expect you to pay their bills? Do they make up stories about things that never happened? Do they deny things that you know to be true?