Did you know that the scapegoat in the family is often the first to see the truth about what’s happening in the family? It’s true – and there are several reasons why. Before we discuss the reasons, let’s ensure we’re on the same page by defining a scapegoat.
What is a scapegoat in a toxic family?
When it comes to toxic families, the scapegoat is the person who is most often blamed for anything that goes wrong, even when they’re not directly involved.
“Scapegoating involves when a group targets a person who dares to speak up a group issue, but not conveniently, into an issue about the speaker, rather than have it be addressed by the group,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Evaline Wu in her scapegoat series.
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How does it feel to be the scapegoat?
As a scapegoat in a family or social group, you may feel alone and isolated, like no one understands what you are going through.
Maybe everyone encourages you to get professional help, and you’ve tried – but the therapist focused on YOU and not the family around you, so you didn’t get any help at all.
You may have been further traumatized by someone who couldn’t recognize your situation.
Where did the term ‘scapegoat’ come from?
In the 16th century, the word scapegoat was used to describe ritual animals used by Jewish people to carry off their sins before Yom Kippur.
Pointing out that this is a story about two goats, Corbeth adds, “One goat was mortally sacrificed, and another who was cast to the wilderness.”
“This “cast” goat was to carry all the sins of his tribe. The goat was chosen to carry away the “sins of man” so it would release all the tribe members of their guilt.”
Corbeth goes on to explain that this act would cause all of the members of the tribe to feel relieved since they’d cast their sins on to the poor animal, and adds that this made everyone happy.
Scapegoats are subjected to emotional and psychological abuse.
The scapegoated family member will be psychologically and emotionally abused, just like the rest of the family, when a narcissist is involved.
The scapegoat is blamed, shamed, smeared, and otherwise abused and manipulated, often without remorse or even concern from other family members or group members.
The difference is that they are exposed to more of it than the other members of the toxic family.
And the worst part is that the abuse will come from other family or group members inadvertently.
Why do other family members take part in abusing the scapegoat?
It is not usually intentional; it’s just how the family avoids facing its own toxicity.
Like the original scapegoat (from the Bible and in Greek Mythology), the family lays its problems on the doorstep of the scapegoat and feels relieved when they do.
“This process of projection, shaming, and blaming serves to divert attention away from the rest of the family’s mental and emotional problems via casting the targeted family member into the role of ‘scapegoat,’ psychotherapist Rebecca Mandeville, author of Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role explains. “It is sometimes the case that families who scapegoat one of their own are oblivious to the fact that they are engaging in psycho-emotional abuse and will become highly defensive if this is pointed out.”
Because the scapegoated family member is portrayed as the “problem child,” the other family members, even those who would not otherwise be abusive, will take part in abusing the scapegoat.
And a lot of times, the scapegoat will find themselves falling into the role by doubting their own worthiness and beginning to believe that they really are intrinsically wrong.
What happens when the scapegoat tries to tell the rest of the family about their discovery?
In some cases, the other family members might be willing to acknowledge the issues.
But in most cases, they won’t admit what’s happening, either because they benefit from it or because they just can’t see it and are stuck in the narrative that the scapegoat is a walking problem.
The truth is that if the scapegoat’s abuse benefits them in some way, most family members don’t want to know, and they refuse to acknowledge the truth either because they are enablers or don’t want to deal with it the unpleasantness of it all.
An Example of the Scapegoat Archetype
One example of a scapegoat can be seen in Nathaniel Hawthorne’s 1852 novel The Scarlet Letter, in which Pearl Prynne is a perfect example of the scapegoat archetype.
In the novel, the townspeople see Pearl as an incarnation of Hester Prynne’s sin and punish her for it—even though she had nothing to do with her mother’s misdeeds.
What else would you expect? From very early in their lives, scapegoats are taught they’re worthless and cause all family problems.
The bad news is that some scapegoats never realize the truth.
The good news? Many will experience the scapegoat awakening.
What is the Scapegoat Awakening?
While you might imagine something like an “awakening” would be a huge deal, and you’d come out of such a realization with some kind of new clarity, it’s not all that dramatic and profound.
It can be considered an awakening when you realize something isn’t what you thought.
So, when the scapegoat recognizes that they’re NOT the entire world’s biggest piece of poo, they have had their awakening.
But that’s not what matters here; what’s important is what they do next.
How does the scapegoat awakening happen?
We know scapegoats are often the first family members to see something wrong.
This is partly because they’re often worn down from being scapegoated and made to feel like everything’s their fault.
It is so emotionally exhausting that many scapegoats actually start to believe that they are the problem.
This will often lead them to start researching – except they’re not researching what’s wrong with the family.
That was true for me.
If they’re anything like I was, the scapegoat begins by looking for answers to what is wrong with THEM, not the people doing the scapegoating.
How does being the scapegoat affect you long term?
Any type of emotional abuse can cause psychological trauma, anxiety, and even PTSD-like symptoms such as depression, loneliness, and flashbacks.
The narcissist’s toxic family structure is typically characterized by chaos and dysfunction. The narcissist will use their partner or child as a scapegoat for the narcissist’s own feelings of inadequacy and lack of control.
This is confirmed by Mandeville, who explains that in her professional experience, “the rejecting, shaming, and otherwise non-nurturing, harmful, and abusive family environment my clients grew up in (and had no means of escaping from) has actually contributed to their experiencing symptoms of Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD – which is also known as complex trauma disorder) secondary to chronic parental / family psycho-emotional (and at times physical) abuse.”
You must remember that narcissists rely on their family members to meet their need for narcissistic supply – and before the “awakening,” a scapegoat will do anything to please the narcissist.
If you were your family’s scapegoat, you’ll be able to relate to this discussion, in which Lise Colucci and I talk about being the scapegoat and what happens when the scapegoat in a family situation recognizes that there’s a problem in the family.
This might involve a narcissistic parent and/or several other toxic elements.
Also discussed is how to recognize and acknowledge when there is a narcissist in a primary role and how the scapegoat interacts with the other roles (such as the golden one, the lost one, the invisible one, the funny one, etc.).
Plus: how siblings or other family members may react and choose to stick with the narcissist and their enablers and deny the reality the family is dealing with, including how they keep secrets from (and for) the toxic people and how the scapegoat is most commonly alienated and actively put down, among other things.
Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today
Ever wonder why you are so easily manipulated by a narcissist? Why you can never seem to break free from their toxic influence? And why it’s so hard to move on?
Narcissistic abusers are often pathological and subject to mood swings, where they can go from being very nice, charming, and giving to people who outright manipulate, demean and devalue you at the flick of a switch.
Understanding the concept of intermittent reinforcement is an important step towards freedom. Why? Because it’s exactly what’s keeping you stuck in the trauma bond with the narcissist.
What is intermittent reinforcement?
Intermittent reinforcement can be defined as positive (reinforcing) behaviors from the narcissist from time to time, leaving you in a continuous cycle of trying to de-code what they want to keep getting the good treatment. Setbacks or negative behaviors follow after periods where the waves of good treatment come, which keeps you hooked on trying to figure out how to please the abuser and get back into their good graces once again.
How does intermittent reinforcement create trauma bonds?
Trauma bonding is a coping mechanism. It’s also a survival instinct. Most people who have narcissistic parents experience something called intermittent reinforcement. Before we get into how trauma bonding is caused by intermittent reinforcement, let’s talk about what each of these terms means in detail.
What is trauma bonding?
Trauma bonding as a coping mechanism is a condition that causes abuse victims to develop a psychological dependence on the narcissist as a survival strategy during abuse. Of course, this makes recovering from a toxic relationship significantly more difficult than it might otherwise be. While bonding is normal in healthy relationships, trauma bonding is a sort of toxic version of this that results in an abusive relationship – verbal, physical, or otherwise.
How does intermittent reinforcement lead to trauma bonding?
In layman’s terms, intermittent reinforcement is this on and off giving affection unpredictably that almost every narcissist does. This really does a trick on your brain! It’s what creates trauma bonding.
That’s because when you are trauma bonded from intermittent reinforcement, it’s the intermittent reinforcement it keeps you trapped in the cycle of narcissistic abuse. Tiny bits of affection may now be all it takes to keep YOU addicted to the narcissist.
This could even be why you can’t leave a relationship or feel the strong urge to reach out to the narcissist once you are doing no contact. The breadcrumbing in narcissistic relationships sets you up for the foundation of trauma bonding.
Another problem is this intermittent reinforcement could be the reason you think things will change, setting you up for cognitive dissonance.
What is cognitive dissonance?
Cognitive dissonance is a form of psychological stress or discomfort that happens when you simultaneously hold two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values. As you might expect, it often affects narcissists as well as their victims at different times and for very different reasons.
This is how they take control of you.
Narcissists use intermittent reinforcement to get you addicted to them, whether they realize it or not. This is, in essence, the very nature of trauma bonding.
When you experience trauma bonding as a result of intermittent reinforcement, it leads to you not trusting yourself – and sometimes not even knowing what you feel or think. Of course, this is the narcissist’s goal all along – to make you feel confused, afraid, and unable to trust your own perception.
This way, keeping you under their control is much easier.
Are you dealing with trauma bonding in a toxic relationship?
This is one reason it is hard to leave and let go of a narcissist. When you have been affected by narcissist abuse and are trauma bonded, there is a lot going on, but know that bit by bit, you can free yourself from the trauma bonds – and, as a result, from the narcissist.
Understanding what you are experiencing can hopefully remove some of the confusion, fear, or anxiety involved with dealing with and ending a toxic relationship with an abusive narcissist. This will clear your head, so you can begin healing.
Other Ways to Get Help With Your Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
The QueenBeeing SPANily, Official – We consider this the best narcissistic abuse recovery support group on the web. It offers several subgroups and features a vigilant, compassionate admin team full of trained coaches and survivors, supporting more than 12k members. SPAN is an acronym created by Angie Atkinson that stands for Support for People Affected by Narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships.
Other Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups– We also have separate groups for each stage in your narcissistic abuse recovery and some for those who have moved past recovery and are evolving into the next phase of their own life. Survivors have unique and individual needs, even when they’ve moved on – so we’re still here for you.
One-on-One Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching – If you prefer to get more personalized support in your recovery, you might like to schedule a session with one of our coaches to plan and execute your narcissistic abuse recovery plan.
Find a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapist – If you’re looking for a therapist for narcissistic abuse recovery, either because you cannot afford coaching and want to use your health insurance or because you have additional issues you need to address that do not fall within the realm of coaching, you will want to find the right therapist for you – and as far as we’re concerned, that therapist must understand what you’ve been through. This page offers assistance to help you do exactly that.
It’s true! Your brain and body seem to be conspiring against your conscious self when it comes to narcissistic abuse.
See, you know that what you’re dealing with is abuse, on a logical level. You know it doesn’t feel good to be with a narcissist.
And yet, some part of you secretly hates both the narcissist and yourself because you haven’t left or are missing them.
You start to think that, despite all of the evidence to the contrary in your personal experiences, not to mention your reading and research, the narcissist MIGHT really change for the next source of narcissistic supply.
And obviously, some part of you is well-aware that this abuse is wrong and that you should end the relationship, or at least be happy it ended.
But for some reason, you can’t stop thinking about the narcissist. You’re second-guessing yourself, feeling remorse and regret combined with self-doubt that ending is or was the right thing to do.
The more you miss them, the worse you want to see them – and the more you’re sure that you were overreacting and that you weren’t really abused at all.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, as they say, and you develop abuse amnesia – forgetting what the narcissist has done to you and beginning to believe that things really can get better this time.
What are the long-term effects of narcissistic abuse in a toxic relationship?
It’s hard to imagine that everything you thought was true about your relationship might have been a lie, and yet this is the very reality you might be dealing with if you’ve just recognized the narcissistic abuse in your life.
This is just one of many ways that narcissistic abuse in a toxic relationship can lead you to find yourself dealing with serious cognitive dissonance.
And don’t worry – you’re not alone here – in fact, you’re in good company. The effects of narcissistic abuse are all-encompassing – and something like this happens to nearly every narcissistic abuse survivor somewhere along the way.
How do you reprogram your brain after narcissistic abuse?
As you probably know, our minds, more specifically our subconscious minds, control our lives.
In other words, we are what we think or believe.
Research has shown that there is a mind-body connection and that the mind can help us overcome health problems.
As I mentioned, one of the most important things to remember is that your brain is neuroplastic – this is what makes it possible for us to actually help to reverse and heal ourselves.
Cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort (disagreeing cognitions) we experience when we encounter information that contradicts our existing set of beliefs or knowledge.
In other words, when we experience cognitive dissonance, we feel anxious because part of us wants to reject new information because it is threatening to our established beliefs – but another part of us knows that the new information may be true and is demanding that we accept it as such.
How can you deal with triggers and feeling dissociated during narcissistic abuse recovery?
Understanding trauma bonding is vital to understanding why it’s often so difficult to leave a narcissist, as well as why you can be triggered by seemingly innocuous things if you were previously involved with one. And the good news is that knowing more about it can help you better cope with your experience. Take the information below and use it to better understand your trauma bond and how to get past it.
Try This Reality Anchoring Technique
Reality anchoring is one of the most powerful NLP Anchoring Techniques you can use during your day-to-day life – anywhere and at any time.
Many studies have been conducted on the effectiveness of reality anchoring using different methods to evaluate it, and all of them have come up with similar results in terms of the effectiveness of the reality anchoring technique to reduce negative emotions, increase positive ones and enhance perceived well-being.
A reality anchor is a mechanism that allows you to connect your current situation with an unrelated but positive place in the past.
In other words, you may want to consider looking toward the future while making an emotional connection to some positive experiences from the past.
Doing so can increase your sense of well-being and happiness. It can also decrease any amount of sadness and increase your ability to cope.
This can be achieved by creating a trigger that links one part of your body with a pleasant memory.
For example, you may believe that smelling fresh flowers will reassure you that you were happy on a particular day in the past.
The reality anchor technique is used to encourage a person to be able to adjust their current emotions by finding the source of those emotions in an event in the past or future.
Why should you care if you’re trauma-bonded with the narcissist?
Understanding trauma bonding is vital to understanding why it’s often so difficult to leave a narcissist, as well as why you can be triggered by seemingly innocuous things if you were previously involved with one.
And the good news is that knowing more about it can help you better cope with your experience.
Take the information below and use it to better understand your trauma bond and how to get past it.
How does trauma bonding from narcissistic abuse actively affect your brain and state of mind?
The chemicals oxytocin, which encourages bonding, endogenous opioids – responsible for pleasure, pain, withdrawal, and dependence; a corticotropin-releasing factor which involves withdrawal, and stress; and dopamine which is connected to the craving, seeking, wanting the narcissist back, even when they’ve caused you extreme emotional stress and pain.
Toxic relationships and narcissistic abuse lead your neurochemistry to fall into dysregulated states, which makes it really hard to leave a narcissist and even harder to finally get over a toxic relationship.
Take Dr. Daniel Amen’s free Brain Health Assessment to discover your Brain Type and your Brain Fit Score!
How can you re-wire your brain after narcissistic abuse?
Your brain is neuroplastic, meaning it can change and heal in some pretty amazing ways. When you’re dealing with the type of brain damage that is caused by narcissistic abuse, you can sort of re-wire your brain yourself.
(Of course, you should always check with your medical professional to ensure there’s not some other underlying reason for brain fog or being forgetful.)
Speaking of brain fog, let’s define it.
What is brain fog?
Brain Fog is the feeling of dissociation or disconnectedness often experienced during and after narcissistic abuse.
It’s a very common symptom of narcissistic abuse-induced C-PTSD.
Most survivors report feeling lost like they’re not really there, or like they’re sort of watching life happen through a screen or a bubble.
Use Mindfulness to Beat Brain Fog!
Mindfulness is a powerful way to beat brain fog. Learn to live mindfully by practicing the following.
There is no wrong way to do this – just do it and know that everyone has wandering thoughts.
Begin your mindfulness practice by focusing on your breath, it will help ground you for the session.
Some people find it useful to use a mantra to focus on – that is a word or phrase that you say aloud and/or chant. It can be ‘Om’, something like ‘Peace’ ‘Love’ ‘Calm’ or anything you want.
You can use an audio or video of guided meditation if that helps you stay focused.
When you find your mind wandering, and you will, simply return to observing your breath for a minute or so to get back into your practice. You might say aloud ‘thinking’ to label what occurred (your mind wandering to other things) without judging it as bad or good.
Observe – your thoughts, feelings, and sensations – this is the objective of mindfulness (though Buddhists would say there is no goal).
Release – any thoughts, feelings, or sensations without judgment – this is critical to get the benefits of mindfulness.
Label – your thoughts, feelings, and sensations, even the errant ones that occur when the mind wanders; this can be helpful in the ‘observing and letting go’ process.
The more you do this, the easier it becomes.
There are active forms of mindfulness for those who can benefit from something more involved, ie. mindful movement and mindful walking.
Begin by setting aside 5 minutes to practice mindfulness the first week, then increase it to 10 minutes and continue to increase your time every week or so until you are practicing 20 minutes. If you can’t manage 20 minutes, do what works for you. Even 5 minutes each day (or twice a day) will help you.
Supplements That May Help With Your Healing
Did you know that there are certain supplements designed to help with healing your brain?
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NeuroLink: Feeling irritable or sad for no reason? NeuroLink helps to balance our emotional ups and downs by delivering an exclusive blend of key nutrients to neurotransmitters in our brain helping us to feel tranquil and clear.
BrainMD’s GABA Calming Support: Calm your mind naturally with GABA Calming Support, an exclusive formula that contains clinically studied nutrients that help to calm your brain waves and help act as the biochemical “brakes” your brain needs to slow down your anxious or fretful thoughts.
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SAMe Mood and Movement 400: SAMe Mood & Movement 400 provides SAMe (S-AdenosylMethionine), a nutrient with very high energy that helps power numerous enzymes important for the brain, joints, liver, muscles, and other organs. SAMe is fundamental to the body’s renewal, repair, and overall well-being.
Going Forward in Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
Being in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser causes survivors to experience a form of trauma and shock. For this reason, trauma therapy is helpful because it acknowledges that healing is a process and that there is more than one way to move forward.
Trauma therapy is often focused on the past but will also guide you toward future goals and dreams while teaching you how to deal with various triggers.
Awareness of cognitive dissonance, trauma bonding & emotional flashbacks can be instrumental in understanding what your inner experience of the relationship was so you can work through it & begin letting go. Find a therapist here.
You might also want to try narcissistic abuse recovery coaching, or if you’re looking for more of a small group setting with a lower price point, try our small group coaching plan – there are significant benefits to this and the price is significantly less than one-on-one coaching.
Takeaway
You are not to blame for your traumatic relationship with a narcissist. By understanding what happened to you and having the right support on your healing journey, you can go on to live a happy and meaningful life.
After overcoming narcissistic abuse, you may find yourself feeling like a whole new person. If you have found yourself in that stage, take comfort knowing you’re not alone.
It is a journey that is as exhilarating as it is exhausting, but the end result is well worth all the effort.
You can recover. You just have to take your time, and you have to trust the process.
Give yourself permission to rebuild your life from the ground up. It’s going to be a long and difficult road, but it will be worth it in the end.
Get Help With Your Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
The QueenBeeing SPANily, Official – We consider this to be the best narcissistic abuse recovery support group on the web. Offers several subgroups and features a vigilant, compassionate admin team full of trained coaches and survivors, supporting more than 12k members. SPAN is an acronym created by Angie Atkinson that stands for Support for People Affected by Narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships.
Other Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups– We also have separate groups for each stage in your narcissistic abuse recovery, as well as some for those who have moved past recovery and are evolving into the next stage of their own life. Survivors have unique and individual needs, even when they’ve moved on – so we’re still here for you.
One-on-One Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching – If you prefer to get more personalized support in your recovery, you might like to schedule a session with one of our coaches to plan and execute your own narcissistic abuse recovery plan.
Find a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapist – If you’re looking for a therapist for narcissistic abuse recovery, either because you cannot afford coaching and want to use your health insurance or because you have additional issues you need to address that do not fall within the realm of coaching, you will want to find the right therapist for you – and as far as we’re concerned, that therapist must understand what you’ve been through. This page offers assistance to help you do exactly that.
The bad news? The second you fall in love with someone, the likelihood that you’ll be dealing with relationship trauma increases exponentially. The good news is that you don’t have to suffer in silence – and there are things you can do to begin to heal and resolve relationship trauma and move forward.
What is relationship trauma?
Relationship trauma is a term used by psychologists and other mental health professionals to identify the condition people suffer after having been subjected to relationship abuse (emotional, physical, and otherwise). Many victims were also exposed to prolonged and/or extreme forms of abuse/neglect during childhood. This can predispose them to end up in toxic relationships as an adult, which cause them to be retraumatized in adulthood.
What are the signs of relationship trauma?
The signs of relationship trauma can be as subtle as they are obvious. If you’re dealing with it, you’re far from alone. In fact, according to the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, nearly 10% of couples experience relationship abuse. Other research shows that as many as 40% of women and 25% of men have experienced some form of domestic violence in their lifetime; 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men report having been sexually or physically assaulted by a partner at some point in their life.
Common signs of abuse include:
Fear for your safety
Feeling trapped and/or controlled
Being isolated from friends and family
Losing self-confidence and self-esteem
Depression
Anxiety
Feeling like you can’t trust anyone else (including yourself)
Acute trauma is the result of a single incident that traumatized the victim. This could be something like a car accident, having your home broken into, being raped or assaulted, or even a natural disaster. In any case, the event is extreme enough to cause you to doubt your physical security.
Chronic Trauma
Chronic trauma happens through prolonged trauma that happens over the course of time. According to MedicineNet, it “may result from a long-term serious illness, sexual abuse, domestic violence, bullying, and exposure to extreme situations, such as a war.”
Complex Trauma
Complex trauma means that you’ve dealt with a variety of traumatic events, to put it mildly.
“The events are generally within the context of an interpersonal (between people) relationship,” writes Shaziya Allarakha, MD.“It may give the person a feeling of being trapped. Complex trauma often has a severe impact on the person’s mind. It may be seen in individuals who have been victims of childhood abuse, neglect, domestic violence, family disputes, and other repetitive situations, such as civil unrest.”
What does relationship trauma look like?
Relationship trauma can profoundly affect your entire adult life, including your present-day relationships, career, family life (including communication with your own children).
People develop different types of relationship trauma that can change the way they relate to others. Some people become addicted to relationships that are too good to be true. Others fear intimacy and can’t get close enough to their partners. They’re afraid of being entrapped by someone they love, and this fear may keep them stuck in unhealthy relationships. Some psychologists suggest that this could also be related to attachment styles developed early in childhood.
What are the long-term effects of relationship trauma?
The long-term effects of relationship trauma are varied and depend on both the person and the traumas they’ve suffered. Some examples include the following.
Parental rejection leads to toxic people pleasing
Valuing yourself highly and feeling safe and secure is important for everyone, but it’s especially important for those who’ve suffered from parental rejection. At the root of this is the belief that your value is based on what you do, not who you are. This leads people to put their own needs aside, putting themselves at risk for burnout and breakdown.
Sexual shame leads to extremely low self-worth and intimacy issues
Trauma tends to make us think we’re broken — we may come to believe that we’re “damaged goods” or “damaged goods who can’t be fixed.” If this is our experience with sex, it makes sense that some people would have a hard time enjoying sex or being interested in sex. In some cases, it’s been hard for these people to see themselves as sexual beings at all.
Others have trouble understanding what sex has to do with their value as a person. Or they’ve had parts of them broken so long that they don’t think they have a right to enjoy sex or be sexual at all. All of this can lead to chronic sexual shame and a need for constant reassurance of the kind “I’m good enough” or “I’m lovable.”
Risk avoidance leads to isolation and chronic fear
If you’ve had a lot of parental rejection or sexual shame or both, one thing may become clear: You don’t feel good about yourself most of the time. You may grow up thinking that if you’re not perfect, then you’re worthless. That can lead you to avoid situations where things might go wrong, which often means avoiding new experiences altogether or limiting your experiences to those that feel safer to you.
You may feel unable to trust anyone ever again. You might not want to believe that another person could do this to you again. But the truth is, it’s not rational for you to have total trust in anyone else from here on out. You can learn to trust selectively and build a bond of mutual respect again with a partner who has betrayed you in some way.
Why do we stay with partners who traumatize us?
You can’t change the past, but you can move forward. If you find yourself with an abusive partner, you might be afraid to leave, or you might even wish you could go back once the relationship ends. This is likely a result of trauma bonding and C-PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder).
Similar to Stockholm Syndrome, this is a condition that causes abuse victims to develop a psychological dependence on the narcissist as a survival strategy during abuse. Trauma bonding also makes recovering from a toxic relationship significantly more difficult.
What is C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)?
Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is a serious mental health condition affecting a large percentage of victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse. This disorder can take years to treat and many professionals aren’t familiar with its symptoms or misdiagnose it.
Some therapists and other mental health professionals may even victim-blame if they aren’t familiar with the subtle tricks of a narcissist. Unfortunately, it can be a lifelong condition, but it can be managed with mindfulness and behavior modification, among other therapies and modalities.
How do you end the cycle and recover from relationship trauma?
Relationship trauma is what happens when a relationship ends and one or both parties have difficulty processing that experience. You can experience relationship trauma in a variety of ways, but, in general, the process involves the following steps:
Recognizing that you’ve dealt with traumatic abuse in a toxic relationship
Acknowledging the impact the relationship had on you
Coming to grips with your feelings about the relationship and how it ended
Deciding what to do next with your feelings and your life
Moving forward with your life without the toxic person in it.
The DUO Method was designed to help survivors of narcissistic abuse take back their lives. The good news is that you don’t need to do this all by yourself. It is possible to overcome the pain and move on, especially if you’ve learned from the situation. Start here if you’d like to start your recovery right now.
Here are a few pieces of advice for moving forward.
1. Ask for help.
There’s no shame in asking friends and family to help you through a difficult time because they know what you’re going through better than anyone else. They might be able to offer insight into the hurt you’re experiencing or help you regain perspective on your situation. You can also reach out to a coach or therapist, who can help guide you through this process and give you support as you work toward recovery. Online support groups can also be very helpful for survivors of narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships.
2. Remember that recovery is a process, not a destination.
You can’t just snap your fingers and expect yourself to be instantly healed. Narcissistic abuse recovery takes time and effort, so don’t expect everything to turn around immediately. Too many of us have been hurt in relationships that came to a bad end, and we’ve been left to pick up the pieces. It’s a difficult thing to do, but there are some things you can do to help yourself heal.
3. Release the need to hold the narcissist accountable.
Obviously, forgiveness isn’t really an easy thing when it comes to recovering from relationship trauma. But you don’t have to traditionally forgive the narcissist. Rather, you need to release the need to hold them accountable and release the need to remain connected to them.
4. Be honest with yourself about what happened.
When a toxic person hurts you, you’re not wrong to blame them for your pain, but staying stuck in victimhood will prevent you from recovering. Instead, it can be more productive to look at the situation objectively and consider how you found yourself in this relationship in the first place and how you could have handled the situation differently. While the narcissist will never be able to do the work to figure out why they hurt you or what it really means, you can certainly recognize what happened by learning to understand the dynamics of toxic relationships. Thoroughly understanding why you found yourself there and what made you stay can also help you avoid future toxic relationships.
5. Go no contact if possible.
In order to work through a relationship trauma, you also need time and space away from the person who hurt you. This isn’t just about getting away from them — it’s about regrouping and getting a new perspective on what happened. You must understand that your experience was real and valid, despite the fact that your abuser likely gaslighted you and made you doubt yourself and your reality. This takes time and requires healing. If you can, go no contact (or low contact, if you have children under 18 with this person).
7. Move forward and create the life you want and deserve.
In the end, you can intentionally choose to heal and then create the life you want and deserve. It’s a sort of personal evolution that can often be the silver lining to this otherwise miserable situation.
When dealing with relationship trauma, focus on finding healthy outlets for your feelings so you can move forward with life. Find a therapist or psychologist who is an expert in dealing with these kinds of issues. Spend time with people who can give you feedback on how your actions have affected them or others around them; seek support groups; make healthy choices, and take good care of yourself while healing.
The QueenBeeing SPANily, Official – We consider this to be the best narcissistic abuse recovery support group on the web. Offers several subgroups and features a vigilant, compassionate admin team full of trained coaches and survivors, supporting more than 12k members. SPAN is an acronym created by Angie Atkinson that stands for Support for People Affected by Narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships.
Other Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups– We also have separate groups for each stage in your narcissistic abuse recovery, as well as some for those who have moved past recovery and are evolving into the next stage of their own life. Survivors have unique and individual needs, even when they’ve moved on – so we’re still here for you.
One-on-One Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching – If you prefer to get more personalized support in your recovery, you might like to schedule a session with one of our coaches to plan and execute your own narcissistic abuse recovery plan.
Find a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapist – If you’re looking for a therapist for narcissistic abuse recovery, either because you cannot afford coaching and want to use your health insurance or because you have additional issues you need to address that do not fall within the realm of coaching, you will want to find the right therapist for you – and as far as we’re concerned, that therapist must understand what you’ve been through. This page offers assistance to help you do exactly that.
Why do narcissists refuse to give you closure in a relationship?
Are you desperate for closure after the ending of a relationship with a narcissist? Rarely is the need for relief from the discard allowed by the narcissist – and being able to speak your mind and discuss the issues you lived with if you have gone no contact is practically a foreign concept.
Lack of Closure After a Toxic Relationship Leaves You Reeling
Feeling the need for closure in order to move on and heal can perhaps be one of the more frustrating things survivors of narcissistic abuse go through after a discard. I know that for me personally, it left me feeling like it was impossible to stop thinking about the narcissist and I even struggled to forgive myself for having been with them in the first place. Can you relate?
What can you expect from the narcissist at the end of a relationship?
They might even call you the abuser. Of all the people I have spoken to about the abuse they have suffered, not one has said they have had closure directly from the narcissist.
Can you create your own closure so you can move forward with your healing after narcissist abuse?
Additional Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Resources
The QueenBeeing SPANily, Official – We consider this to be the best narcissistic abuse recovery support group on the web. Offers several subgroups and features a vigilant, compassionate admin team full of trained coaches and survivors, supporting more than 12k members. SPAN is an acronym created by Angie Atkinson that stands for Support for People Affected by Narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships.
Other Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups– We also have separate groups for each stage in your narcissistic abuse recovery, as well as some for those who have moved past recovery and are evolving into the next stage of their own life. Survivors have unique and individual needs, even when they’ve moved on – so we’re still here for you.
One-on-One Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching – If you prefer to get more personalized support in your recovery, you might like to schedule a session with one of our coaches to plan and execute your own narcissistic abuse recovery plan.
Find a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapist – If you’re looking for a therapist for narcissistic abuse recovery, either because you cannot afford coaching and want to use your health insurance or because you have additional issues you need to address that do not fall within the realm of coaching, you will want to find the right therapist for you – and as far as we’re concerned, that therapist must understand what you’ve been through. This page offers assistance to help you do exactly that.
Well, imagine there’s a vending machine in front of you with one big red button that says, ‘FREE COOKIES’. At first, the cookies are so delicious.. so euphoric. But afterward, every time you press the button, you receive a painful electric shock.
But you keep pressing the button, hoping.. becoming frantic. After about the 99th time of getting shocked, you get a broken chip of a cookie.
You actually feel sad, yet you are thankful for at least having this broken piece of cookie.
When you finish the broken cookie, you realize you would gladly get shocked another 99 times to get another broken piece of cookie. Desperation is now a daily occurrence.
So you continue, accepting the malfunction and the biting pain of each shock. You now live on your knees in front of the cookie vending machine.
Then one day, the cookies stop coming.
That’s ‘love’ with a sociopath. It’s not real love–this is trauma bonding.
Only you can stop it.
This is the behavior of addiction.
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And…that machine is deriving power from harming you. Power that it will use to continue harming you as long as you stay.
Do you want a better life? Then do the work of recovery.
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, in which Pearl Prynne is a perfect example of the scapegoat archetype.
