“It is from the progeny of this parent cell that we all take our looks; we still share genes around, and the resemblance of the enzymes of grasses to those of whales is in fact a family resemblance.” ~ Lewis Thomas
I have this thing where I study faces. And since he first told me his adoption story, I’ve been studying the face of my husband. Like, almost obsessively.
And when our children were born, I began to study theirs, too. Regardless of whether we know them growing up or not, we tend to look like the people we’re biologically related to – and that’s exactly why I am OBSESSED with YOUR face. Oh yeah.
See, when he was born, my husband’s birth mother must have been in a bad way. Whether she personally made the choice or it was made for her, the baby (who would later become my husband) she gave birth to in the wee hours of the morning on June 6, 1972, was found around 9 a.m., wrapped in a towel and tucked into a box.
The box was inside of a telephone booth in front of a busy convenience store in Kansas City, Kansas, and no one seemed to know who left it there.
The police said a woman called in to let them know she thought she heard an animal inside the phone booth. The convenience store manager supposedly found the baby and a police officer pulled him out.
Now, and since the first time I heard the story more than a decade ago, I look for his features in every face I see.
I notice noses, foreheads, eye color and shape – general coloring and body types and shapes. I look at chins and eyebrows and even ear shape.
Since we had his DNA tested last year, I look at names too. And though I’m a complete amateur, I’m pretty smart – so I pore over the results as each new match comes through.
By now, I’ve narrowed his mother down to a certain generation in a certain family, I think. But his father is a whole other question.
The closest DNA connection we’ve found is a second cousin or grand-aunt.
I have noticed a trend in which a lot of Pennsylvania, Texas and Missouri people that are connected to his DNA.
I have a theory that one of his parents might be a Quaker from Pennsylvania. Or maybe even an English exchange student or immigrant.
This is because, as I understand it, the Quakers are primarily English. And according to his DNA, my husband is 78 percent British.
I think this means that one of his parents must be 100 percent British. It definitely means, according to Ancestry.com, that he is more British than the average British citizen today. That seems significant to me.
We know that he is related to Marilyn Monroe. We know that there are lots of Hogans, Stewarts, Davis, Smiths and Joneses in his bio family.
But what we don’t know is who gave birth to him, who his father was and why they left him there in that phone booth on that warm June day in 1972.
Those are the answers we are seeking. Those are the things I am compelled to discover.
We are not looking for a family, though we would not reject one. We are simply looking for closure and answers to these questions that have plagued my husband for 43 years – and me for nearly 15.
Our kids have a right to know who their father came from. And he has a right to know who his biological family really was.
And if they’d like, they could get to know their relative and two of the coolest kids around.
But as I sit here, writing about it on my front porch today, there is no resolution; there are no answers. I’ve had news stories published, I’ve blogged about it, I’ve even gone so far as to reach out to the world via social media – and yet, despite a few false hopes, we’ve got nothing definitive.
I want to stop looking. I want to give up trying. But I carry on. I am driven. I feel like it’s part of my life’s purpose.
And so I keep looking, searching, hoping for a clue that will tie it all together.
Can you PLEASE help me stop obsessing over your face?
Have you experienced anything like this before? Do you know anyone who’s adopted? Where would you look next, if you were me? Share your thoughts in the comments or shoot me an email.
Angela Atkinson is a certified trauma counselor and the author of more than 20 books on narcissism, narcissistic abuse recovery, and related topics. A recognized expert on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder who has studied and written extensively on narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships since 2006, she has a popular narcissistic abuse recovery YouTube channel. Atkinson was inspired to begin her work as a result of having survived toxic relationships of her own.
Atkinson offers trauma-informed narcissistic abuse recovery coaching and has certifications in trauma counseling, life coaching, level 2 therapeutic model, CBT coaching, integrative wellness coaching, and NLP. She is a certified trauma support coach and certified family trauma professional. She also has a professional PTSD counseling certification. Her mission is to help those who have experienced the emotional and mental devastation that comes with narcissistic abuse in these incredibly toxic relationships to (re)discover their true selves, stop the gaslighting and manipulation, and move forward into their genuine desires – into a life that is exactly what they choose for themselves.
Along with her solution-focused life coaching experience, Atkinson’s previous career in journalism and research helps her to offer both accurate and understandable information for survivors of abuse in a simple-to-understand way that helps to increase awareness in the narcissistic abuse recovery community. Atkinson founded QueenBeeing.com Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support, the SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups and the Life Makeover Academy.
She offers individual and group coaching for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse here at QueenBeeing.com and at NarcissisticAbuseRecovery.Online.