“No matter what happens, you’re always going to have those critics and those haters. You just have to learn how to deal with that. I think I have and accept that.” ~Tim Tebow
I hope you’re sitting down, because I’m about to blow your freaking mind. Here’s something you probably never thought about: haters, scientifically, really ARE gonna hate. No, seriously, it’s legit – there was even a scientific study done about it. (Read that here – I’m not going to talk about the study, but I wanted to share it for those who like to do their research.)
The reason I brought up the study, though, is to show you that:
1. You’re not the only one with haters.
2. Haterade is an oft-consumed thing for said haters.
3. Scientists agree that hater-ism exists.
You’re probably reading this article because, like me, you’ve recently been shocked to learn that you’ve got haters. Don’t let it get to you, though. The fact is that you might just be a little bit too awesome for these folks. Some might even call these folks born losers. Why?
“Haters never win. I just think that’s true about life, because negative energy always costs in the end.” ~Tom Hiddleston
But before we get too far into this comprehensive guide to dealing with haters, let’s define a couple of key terms.
1. Hater – As defined by UrbanDictionary.com: A person that simply cannot be happy for another person’s success. So rather than be happy they make a point of exposing a flaw in that person.
Hating, the result of being a hater, is not exactly jealousy. The hater doesnt really want to be the person he or she hates, rather the hater wants to knock somelse down a notch.
2. Haterade – Again, from UrbanDictionary.com: a figurative drink representing a modality of thought. those who consume it are themselves consumed by the negativity which with they speak.
The Anatomy of a Hater
“The downside of being multi-talented is that sometimes, some people are intimidated. A few are jealous. Occasionally, you may spark some haters — disapproving critics who express (and spread) negative opinions about you,” says SelfGrowth.com’s Liisa Kyle, PhD. “Realize that when haters hate, it’s got more to do about THEM and THEIR situation than it does about YOU and YOURS. It probably means that you’ve done something they wish they had. Jealousy is actually a backhanded compliment…and one that should be dismissed as soon as possible.”
She’s right, of course.
Don’t drink the haterade people. It’s not very tasty.
Wanna know the single biggest reason why people hate on you? I don’t know about you, but I’ve had my share of insecurities over the years – some of which I still actively manage.
But as I’ve evolved, I’ve learned that feeling jealous of other people does me no good. In fact, it does the opposite by putting my vibe into a state of disrepair. And when my energy ain’t happy? Neither am I.
Don’t let me fool you, though – this was not an overnight transformation and it definitely took a very intentional effort on my part.
But after losing 100 pounds, building a career around my passion and my family’s recent move to a beautiful new home, I found much joy in sharing my successes and happiness with the people around me, and most of them were deliriously happy about all of this right along with me. I am so grateful for that.
However, I was shocked to find among friends and family a few who weren’t so happy for me. They ask questions like “how can they afford THAT?” and “who does she think she is?” and “what do you do all day, anyway?”
I lost a few girlfriends along with my 100 pounds and I lost a few more with my move to a new neighborhood.
One distant relative even called me “greedy” (and worse things I won’t mention here) for reasons I don’t understand after an unprovoked and very personal attack on my Facebook page.
So what’s that all about?
Why do people hate on you when you find success?
ONE REASON: They are insecure.
Insecurity and a lack of self confidence is the single reason people become jealous and act like haters. Period.
But in the interest of clarification, we’re going to break it down a little.
They think you don’t deserve your success.
And probably, they think they do. For example, one of my husband’s haters who works a physical kind of job likes to say that he “works for a living,” as opposed to my husband who “just sits in front of a computer all day.”
What he fails to acknowledge of course is that my husband is very intelligent and highly skilled. He’s an IT engineer with a biomedical company.
My opinion is that this guy is very insecure in himself and using this as some kind of crutch to his self-esteem. See, by putting down the guy he’s jealous of, he raises himself up a little in his own head. Sad but true.
In reality, of course, he just makes himself look like a huge jerk who ASSumes way too much, if you know what I’m saying. The fact is that my husband made the choices that led him to his ‘cushy’ desk job, while his friend made his own choices that led him to his physically difficult job (in a company he owns, by the way).
They want what you’ve got.
Doesn’t matter what it is – could be a car, a baby, a husband, a home, a nice butt- something in your life is perceived by your haters as better than something in their lives.
It is what it is, but it’s not your problem. It doesn’t make you bad and you do not need to feel guilty.
They’re just assholes.
Sometimes people are just jerks. Or they’re trolls. Whatever you want to call it, some people just hate on you for the sake of hating.
Often, these people are so into drama that they will go so far as to take on someone else’s hate for you. They’re always posting their latest drama on Facebook or Twitter, and every time you see or speak to them, all they can do is bitch and moan about their lives.
These are the types you hope aren’t related to you because they are often the hardest to deal with.
So how do you deal with the haterade ?
“Haters keep on hating, cause somebody’s gotta do it.” ~Chris Brown
Blow them off
Kim Kardashian’s method just might work for you. She says she just blows her haters off.
“When there’s so many haters and negative things, I really don’t care,” Kardashian is quoted as saying.
If you’re capable of empathy for this person , try to remember a time you felt so insecure that you were upset. And then just ignore the behavior and keep smiling.
Easier said than done, of course. If this won’t do for you, keep reading. I’ve got more.
Take it as a compliment
Multi-talented mama Jennifer Lopez is quoted as saying that haters don’t bother her. In fact, she takes a whole different perspective.
“I always joke about letting the haters motivate you,” Lopez says. “Everybody has that in their life, people who doubt them or make them feel less than they are. It just takes faith and belief in yourself, and you’ve got to dig deep into that. That has to come from you – nobody’s going to give you that.”
I know what she’s talking about, sort of. After I lost 100 pounds, I would notice something strange when I’d go into restaurants and shops where women would congregate, especially when their men were there.
I’d get “the old up and down” look from several of them. At first I thought I might have a boog or something. But one day I recognized the look: it was the same one I used to give skinny bitches when I’d feel insecure about myself.
At first I wanted to cry. But then I realized that in this case, the hating was more of a.compliment than an insult. So now I just smile at them and secretly say thanks.
Kill them with kindness
I know, you probably figure they don’t deserve it. But check it out: it’s really hard to be mean to someone who is always sweet to you.
I can’t tell you how many haters I’ve turned into friends or at least polite acquaintances this way. It’s worth the effort – but if you can’t kill them with kindness, at least avoid adding fuel to their little jealous fires. Remember the next rule:
Revenge and retorts are overrated
Ryan Lochte says he doesn’t let haters get to him either – and he doesn’t bother to respond.
“I try not to read the negative comments, and when I do, I let it roll off my back. I remind myself that there will always be haters as long as you are in the public eye,” Lochte says.
As tempting as it is to call a hater out and expose their haterade to the world, don’t bother. All you’d be doing is lowering yourself to their level and the fact is that you don’t need to do a thing. The world sees the behavior and it’s far less attractive than yours.
Let your haters dig their own proverbial graves. You’re too busy loving your life for all that.
I’ve had people send me very rude messages because I posted photos of my home decorating projects on Facebook. Same goes for vacation pics, happy-family statuses and more.
But guess what? My husband and I have worked our asses off to get where we are now and I am not sorry. We love our lives and we won’t apologize for it. You shouldn’t either.
Make #1 happy first
Here’s the thing. When you’re truly happy with your life, something crazy happens. You stop valuing other people’s opinions more than your own. And the truth is that if you are in love with your life, haters can’t get to you for long.
Let me ask you this: is worrying about these people going to offer you any kind of benefit? Nope, it’s only going to cause more stress. Remember: you bring about what you think about. So think about what you want; not what you don’t.
Read more: You Don’t Need No Stinking Approval
Take personal inventory
If you’re still feeling upset about your haters, Maybe it’s time to take personal inventory. If there’s something in your life that isn’t working right or that makes you feel unbalanced, maybe it’s time to make a change.
Read more: How to Fake It Till Ya Make It
Keep being your fabulous self
Bottom line: no matter who you are or what you do, haters are gonna hate. But don’t let them steal your sunshine, honey. Your light is far too beautiful to allow anyone to force you to hide it. Shine on with love and positive intention and keep moving in the right direction. No one’s opinion is so valuable that it is worth being miserable over. Okay?
Angela Atkinson is a certified trauma counselor and the author of more than 20 books on narcissism, narcissistic abuse recovery, and related topics. A recognized expert on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder who has studied and written extensively on narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships since 2006, she has a popular narcissistic abuse recovery YouTube channel. Atkinson was inspired to begin her work as a result of having survived toxic relationships of her own.
Atkinson offers trauma-informed narcissistic abuse recovery coaching and has certifications in trauma counseling, life coaching, level 2 therapeutic model, CBT coaching, integrative wellness coaching, and NLP. She is a certified trauma support coach and certified family trauma professional. She also has a professional PTSD counseling certification. Her mission is to help those who have experienced the emotional and mental devastation that comes with narcissistic abuse in these incredibly toxic relationships to (re)discover their true selves, stop the gaslighting and manipulation, and move forward into their genuine desires – into a life that is exactly what they choose for themselves.
Along with her solution-focused life coaching experience, Atkinson’s previous career in journalism and research helps her to offer both accurate and understandable information for survivors of abuse in a simple-to-understand way that helps to increase awareness in the narcissistic abuse recovery community. Atkinson founded QueenBeeing.com Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support, the SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups and the Life Makeover Academy.
She offers individual and group coaching for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse here at QueenBeeing.com and at NarcissisticAbuseRecovery.Online.